Episode 2 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 2

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Alexander Armstrong and guest panellists Danny Baker and Louise Mensch.


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I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured. I was

:00:17.:00:25.

hosting the show the week Lyle Lad was captured, and today, the day

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:00:35.:01:02.

- Osama Bin Laden was captured, and Good evening, welcome to Have I Got

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News For You. In the news this week, as news of the demise of Colonel

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Gaddafi flashes around the world, there is evidence that his team of

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20 young female bodyguards may not be out of work for long!

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In south London a reporter makes an impassioned appeal for information

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of the where abouts of a confused elderly sports fan.

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And before performing at the O2 arena, Dame Vera Lynn is less than

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impressed with the toilet facilities.

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On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author, who describes

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her work as trashy, with no redeeming merit, on the other hand

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her chick-lit books are great, ladies and gentlemen, please

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welcome, Louise Mensch. With Paul tonight is a writer and

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presenter who recently described BBC executives as soulless,

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soulless, bastards, which some might say is a little heavy on the

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soulless and a little light on the bastards, please welcome, Danny

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Baker. Let's start with a fairly big story,

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take a look at this. No-one stops and searches a tractor,

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do they? They are happy, oh no, he's back. Libya, in case we didn't

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know what the story was. Safe celebrations there.

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Where was he found? A sewer. In a sewer pipe. They are always found

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underground, never in the air. There must be something on-line,

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called "tunnels for tyrants". They are always so mean because

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they must be offered do you want the single pipe or the multiwarren,

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just the single pipe for me! There is never a way out. They learned

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their lesson this time, with Saddam, he was found and they had to put

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him on trial, luckily, this time he was shot. So we didn't have to see

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all the character witnesses turning out for Gaddafi, Tony Blair!

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yeah. He didn't get one last broadcast, I used to enjoy his

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radio shows. A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi. He used

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to say the running dog, treacherous vul tures of Washington shall pay

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for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race, and now for

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Tracey and all at 35, here is The Beach Boys. Cryptically Al-Jazeera

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started off saying a big fish had been found, while a BBC reporter

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announced that the curly-haired one had been detained, it was like,

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they have got Mick Hucknell. There was interesting reaction around the

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world, on the Mail website where the following message was posted,

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that Libya has got rid of its dictator, when can we get rid of

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our's. Do piss off Shaun! How did the people of Sirte

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celebrate the news. They fired bullets into the air, very

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dangerous to shoot a bullet in the air t can come down and kill you.

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On firework night I wonder where the rockets come down, I think this

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is the lesson, some good could come out of this. The last bit of the

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rocket to come down is the wooden stick. You could be impaled. It

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lands on your head and you go to school today and you don't know

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what's hit you. That is how this happened. That was a Katherine

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wheel gone wrong. What else were they doing in Sirte as celebration?

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They were dressing-up as Gaddafi. Dang us I would have thought?

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soon, too soon. The shops were thrown open so people could have

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whatever they fancied, a tradition started in Tottenham this year!

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Andrew Mitchell, the International He's the cabinet minister with

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special responsibility for brown nosing. This is the death of

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Colonel Gaddafi, one of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio

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Berlusconi who said Transit Gloria Mundi, it turns out he was saying

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one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a mini-bus. That is the

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oldest joke I have ever heard. was revealed that Colonel Gaddafi

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had been hoping to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya with a high

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ranking British contact, but for some reason, Adam Werritty didn't

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show up. Ian and Louise take a look at this? He's not bitter.

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former Defence Secretary. The wrath of something flashing over the

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Cabinet Office, there's Gus O'Donnell looking scary, diary.

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Rather empty now, but he's gone. Dr Fox resigned and he has a �17,000

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pay-off. David Cameron says to put the story behind us, forget about

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it, it was embarrassing, it's over. What's wrong with that? It isn't!

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Isn't it? Not if I can help it! Were you there for his good goodbye

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resignation speech? I did hear it. Were you moved? I was moved,

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especially when he thanked his wife and those targeted by the media, I

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was moved by that. Did you think, God, the media, they are to blame?

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If it hadn't been for the media he would still be in his job?

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thought that there were legitimate things the media asked and totally

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illegitimate things. Which ones were they? The innuendo about his

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personal life. He said he blurred his personal and professional life,

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presumably we were allowed to ask about the personal life. There was

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a legitimate area of professional life and most of the inquiry was

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not about it. So he had his mate in the room who wasn't security vetted,

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who was listening to briefings he shouldn't. A mate paid by shadyoy

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transatlantic interests, including the Israeli Government and others,

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paying through a firm called sat- nav, par gav, which managed to fork

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out all the money. It was a deriliction of duty. He resigned

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for it, it was a breach of the code. That sound like he has ripped his

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trousers. It seems an extraordinary thing to

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take your mate along when dealing with nuclear warheads or not. Come

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in, he's all right, come on, sit down. Order some drinks up, we will

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have this done in ten minutes, go on! There was some cheap innuendo?

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No. No cheap innuendo. If Adam Werritty had been a young girl,

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younger than a minister, 17 years younger, who he met at a university,

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put in his own house, given a job, stuck with him, and taken on

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holiday to a four-star hotel, then you would have seen some proper

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innuendo! So you are saying Fox resigned because he did something

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wrong, or did he? Here is his colleague Peter Bone MP on

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Newsnight. Why not just accept the obvious. That he resigned because

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he did something wrong. Absolutely not. He resigned because he did

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something right? He resigned because he did something right, yes.

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I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox there wouldn't be sympathy. Now

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everyone can say Fox was hounded or hunted. What if he was called Dr

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Liam pier Rana! Dr Liam Vampire Squid, we would have had a more

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accurate representation. David Cameron said he felt ministerials

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rules needed to be tightened. That's what he meant was followed,

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perhaps what he meant was followed? Political lobbying is in the

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spotlight again after the Fox affair. David Cameron has been

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fairly outspoken on this issue for a number of years. Anyone know what

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he said about this before? He said it was a scandal and needed to be

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sorted out. We are bring anything a select committee on lobbyist,

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Labour voted against that in 2006, we are going to bring it in. Let

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sunshine bring in the day. Who's competing against sunshine for the

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day. Let sunshine win the day, who is sunshine competing against for

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the honour of the day. I think the night. It can't compete against the

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day, the hours are differently. need sunshine to win the day.

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isn't your most controversial policy, is it. Sunshine's better

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than the nightime! These things only tend to happen once

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resignation, shame, police involved, it is like they have been caught

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shoplifting, you know what, I'm never doing that again, that is in

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my favour, how about that. I intend to blur the distinction between

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thieving and not thieving. Another beneficiary of the distraction

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provided by the Fox debacle was Oliver Letwin, or as the Mirror

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called him "gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon, Oliver Letwin". What has

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gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin within up to? He was found

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in park throwing away papers, the Mirror said they were secret, they

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weren't secret or classified, but Oliver was throwing them away in

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the bin. So there was nothing in that, and Fox was doing nothing

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abroad, what do your lot do. uncle lost his job doing his work

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in the park, he was a grave digger, you could see the trouble the

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council had with that. A spokesman said Mr Letwin does some of his

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business in the park! Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop! Letwin

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has apologised. I do apologise, because I do understand that

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constituents may feel that I shouldn't have allowed their papers

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to be in that bin. He shouldn't have allowed it, the papers were

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going in the bin, he saw it, but he allowed it! Things separated from

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him. I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed

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it! And your fellow MP and coalition partner, Mike Hancock,

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has been in the news again? He has. Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart

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of the Defence Select Committee, stepped down from it this week,

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after it was revealed that a young lady with whom he had been having

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an affair might have been a Russian spy. There is a question that she

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was allowed to see some confidential briefings and what

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have you. She had a pass, she was vetted by the Commons. A proper

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pass or did it just say "advisor on it"!? A vetted past, and she was a

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young and attractive lady. I hope this isn't innuendo! She was an

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attractive lady. She was called Ekaterina Zatuliveter, she's

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currently fighting extradition. In the papers Mike Hancock was

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described as vulnerable to foreign agencies because of his history of

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extra marital affairs, that is code for "a bit of a shagger".

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They said she was immensely valuable to Russian intelligence

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because of the ease she makes intimate relationship, that is code

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for "a bit of a slag". How come she he's a slag and he's a shagger.

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It's the code. You are breaching the comic's code. I'm saying what

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the code of the tabloids is. It is the male code. The evil tabloid.

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Everybody knows what the code means, I'm not defending the code, I think

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it is abhorrent! Can't we say they both have inappropriate

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relationships. There we are. They have blurred the line between not

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having sex and having sex. Because they went so fast there was a blur,

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and they blurred, who is doing what to who, I have no idea, pass the

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biscuits, they wok up and it was all a dream - woke up and it was

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all a dream. What was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?

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Nothing, she the opening line, "I hear you have a huge naval base in

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your constituency", nothing else. You won't be taking this up the

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Kremlin will you?! Yes, no he offered her a CD. A CD. Sheehy

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vently moved into his London flat, - she eventually moved into his

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London flat. He submitted a claim for an iron for the flat, because

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he takes pride in his ray peerns. I bet you do - - appearance. Mike

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Hancock's young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy,

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Mr Zatuliveter was described as a femme fatale with a talent for

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seducing men in powerful positions and Lib Dem backbenchers.

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Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spi, but admits affairs

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with NATO official, a Dutch diplomat and a senior member of the

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UN. She can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour!

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It is alleged Miss Zatuliveter had an affair in order to obtain

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Government secrets, if that was all she wanted, she could have gone to

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a St James's Park bin. Paul and Danny take a look at this. This is

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the travellers being run out of the ...Olympic Stadium is coming on

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well. The Olympic rings, only three have turned up. Yes, that is the

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demolition of part of the Dale Farm traveller site near Basildon. It is

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reported that several people have been tasered, many Essex residents

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thought it was a new beauty treatment! It is about ten years

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this has been going on. They have spent �18 million, essentially, on

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what is something like 40 families. It is the most staggering waste of

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time and effort. People said I can't believe this much money has

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been spent on what should be a, given all the other problems,

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something a bit solable. Or at least, in the modern way, turn it

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into some kind of show. "the caravan being evicted this week

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is..." What is going on peacefully? The protest outside St Paul's

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against the terrible world economy. They have already had to close the

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shop and cafe? What is happening to religion. They were protesting

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against the Stock Exchange, but they couldn't camp outside there,

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and St Paul's said, already, you can camp here? It was amusing to

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see the longest queue ever for star, but in the history of the world in

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that square - star, but, but in the history of that - Starbucks, but in

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the history of that square. What do they want to achieve? Overthrowing

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the corrupt system. They tweet on the iPhones, between getting cafe

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lattes, and housing themselves in fancy tents. They are against

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capitalism, except for the lattes. If they like coffee they can't be

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against capitalism. You can't negate them at the can't have a cup

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of coffee. It is like the man on the way to the gallows, you ate

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your last meal, what's the matter with you. You can't be against

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capitalism and then take everything that it provides and say this is

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terrific, but I hate the system you survive in. One cup of coffee.

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Can't they be about, sorry, no, no, It is just so obvious, I can't be

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bothered. What were you going to say?

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don't have to want to return to a Barter system in the stone - Barter

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system in the Stone Age to complain about the system in the world, even

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if you have a cup of coffee and a tent. You really can't get out

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there and say capitalism is crisis and enjoy everything it brings.

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keep saying everything, they had a cup of coffee. That is not

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everything. According to the Guardian, the protestors have a

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number of targets, their ambition is to stamp out greed and world

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poverty. They are hoping to set up a visitors' centre and an outreach

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group to spread the message. That sounds really effective. Much

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:18:49.:18:51.

better to get some lobbyists in! What did an extra from Downton

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Abbey Matthew watt kinsson. If he has drunk coffee he has no opinion

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at all, if I can smell an espresso on his breath get out of here.

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Matthew from Downton Abbey? From upstairs or downstairs. That will

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make a difference. He could be saying "yes my Lord", or "hello".

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haven't seen it, I now don't need to. That is it, that is the whole

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plot. Have you not seen Downton Abbey? No, I was on tour when it

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was on, this time, missed it! blurred the line between watching

:19:31.:19:38.

it and missing it, you blurred that line. Any way, Matthew Watkinson

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told the Mail why he was at the camp, he said he was a vet for

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eight years, there is a lot of greed in vets, that is why I

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stopped. This is the leader of Basildon Council, calling on those

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inside Dale Farm to behave responsibly, those on the outside

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can Taser away as much as they like. Meanwhile, anti-capitalist protests

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in many cities around the world. Outside St Paul's Cathedral,

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unemployed protestor Katherine said she had to get her food from

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rubbish bins. Things are bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's

:20:17.:20:20.

papers. In Italy they go on the ram pij,

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and if anyone can be accused of screwing the younger generation it

:20:24.:20:28.

is Silvio Berlusconi. And so to round two, the

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strengthometer of news, fingers on buzzers, here is the first one.

:20:37.:20:40.

They found out this week there is a virus that attacks people who are

:20:40.:20:44.

going for the essential treatment of having your rough skin taken off

:20:45.:20:48.

your toes by fish, instead of a pumice stone. You may find you lose

:20:48.:20:54.

a leg. It is a belief you might be able to

:20:55.:20:59.

catch hepatitis from them, the fish suffer, because they get athlete's

:20:59.:21:09.

Gill, bunion fin, they get that as well. It sounds like a country and

:21:09.:21:15.

western singer. Hepatitis C, let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Mattlis

:21:15.:21:25.
:21:25.:21:41.

Oh Emily! Get yourself down the clinic and take your hepatitis feet

:21:41.:21:45.

with you now. How could these infections be

:21:45.:21:52.

passed on? Rumour! I tend to think it has something to do with white

:21:53.:21:59.

bait, I have not made the connection, I'm sure once the fish

:21:59.:22:06.

have are no longer useful, some of the restaurants I know will have

:22:07.:22:10.

them. That is how these things get out. That is the economic reality.

:22:10.:22:15.

According to the Sun infections and bacteria may be passed on by the

:22:15.:22:18.

fish themselves or water used by a previous client and left unchanged.

:22:18.:22:25.

It is not just the feet owners left at risk. What risk to the fish

:22:25.:22:29.

face? Don't call me fish-face, I'm a guest. The fish are starving,

:22:29.:22:35.

they are not getting enough to eat. The RSPCA has raised concerns about

:22:35.:22:40.

the fish saying some are starved so they nibble more flesh from the

:22:40.:22:48.

feet. Here is the headline: The some what surprising sequel to

:22:48.:22:58.
:22:58.:23:01.

Tinker Taylor Tolder Spy. This is the news that 60,000 people

:23:01.:23:06.

a year now change their names by deed poll, compared with just 197

:23:06.:23:12.

in the year 2000. The process has been dramatically simplified. Ten

:23:12.:23:20.

years ago it was complicated, now you only need �33 and filling out a

:23:20.:23:25.

form. Anyone think of hilarious names being changed? We can't think

:23:25.:23:29.

of anything hilarious, that is not what we are here for. There is Asda

:23:29.:23:38.

worker Greg Lewis, who went for Dr Pasty-lover smasher. And Shaun

:23:38.:23:43.

McCormack who changed his name to Fernando Torres, he moved to

:23:43.:23:50.

Chelsea a few minutes later. What came as a surprise to the Asda

:23:50.:23:55.

worker, Dr Pasty. He said when he found out he had officially changed

:23:55.:24:05.
:24:05.:24:08.

He's stoo stupid to be a doctor. Bang that with a hammer we have had

:24:08.:24:15.

enough of it. Hit me too, I have had enough of this programme.

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Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames when they get

:24:20.:24:25.

married. Mr and Mrs puffin came out of that.

:24:25.:24:29.

They told the Telegraph they wouldn't change it back their

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children will be puffins too. Until they manage to scrape together �33.

:24:36.:24:44.

Sometimes changing your name could be changing a vowell, Paul Martin

:24:44.:24:50.

became Paul Merton, and Brian Cant said it was the best �33 he ever

:24:50.:24:58.

spent. Now for the next round. The bin bulletin, designed to go

:24:58.:25:04.

straight in. Here is your lost bag but, what? Whose head is that?

:25:04.:25:09.

afraid it smells a bit? But, I'll keep the camera. This is the story

:25:09.:25:15.

of a person who found a handbag that was lost at the airport, but

:25:15.:25:21.

kept the camera in it as a reward for themselves and sent it back.

:25:21.:25:25.

Tabloid readers were shocked that they kept the camera, rather than

:25:25.:25:28.

the customary thing which is stuff it down your parents and take a

:25:28.:25:38.
:25:38.:25:41.

photograph and then return it. Physically violated. Utted.

:25:41.:25:48.

Demands strip-search of rival. Ed Martin was accused of hiding the

:25:48.:25:56.

letter "G", his opponent said he should be strip-searched, when they

:25:56.:26:04.

searched him in the toilet all they found was a Q. Tony Blair is good

:26:04.:26:08.

at scrabble, he's the only one who has wound WMD in Iraq.

:26:08.:26:14.

What about this one? She NUTed me. She didn't seem to mind. Michael

:26:14.:26:17.

Winner explained on three occasions he called the Queen darling because

:26:17.:26:22.

that is what he tends to do. Her Majesty ignored Michael because

:26:22.:26:30.

that is what everyone tends to do. Finally, what and he's taxi driver

:26:30.:26:36.

all Alan from Torquay. God does exist. The mumry returns. This is

:26:36.:26:39.

the taxi driver who has become the first man to be mummified in the

:26:39.:26:43.

style of the ancient Egyptians. Ancient Egyptians believed in the

:26:43.:26:47.

afterlife you had to cross the river of fire, I'm guessing he will

:26:47.:26:51.

be the only taxi driver crossing that river this time of night. The

:26:51.:27:01.

final scores are Ian and Louise on six, Paul and Danny on seven.

:27:01.:27:05.

Before we go there is time for the caption competition. Ian and Louise

:27:05.:27:12.

you have this? David Cameron woulds the women's vote. Mrs Thatcher's

:27:12.:27:22.
:27:22.:27:29.

Specially-supposed photograph appears in newspapers. Pied Piper

:27:29.:27:36.

tells Jobcentre, he still has it! On which note we say thank you to

:27:36.:27:41.

the panelist, Louise Mensch and Paul Merton, Danny Baker and Ian

:27:41.:27:47.

Hislop. There is a worrying site for Michael Jackson's doctor as he

:27:47.:27:51.

arrives for his LA trial. In west Dorset one constituent decides he

:27:51.:27:56.

might as well cut out the middle man and wait for a personal meeting

:27:56.:28:04.