Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured. I was

hosting the show the week Lyle Lad was captured, and today, the day

- Osama Bin Laden was captured, and Good evening, welcome to Have I Got

News For You. In the news this week, as news of the demise of Colonel

Gaddafi flashes around the world, there is evidence that his team of

20 young female bodyguards may not be out of work for long!

In south London a reporter makes an impassioned appeal for information

of the where abouts of a confused elderly sports fan.

And before performing at the O2 arena, Dame Vera Lynn is less than

impressed with the toilet facilities.

On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author, who describes

her work as trashy, with no redeeming merit, on the other hand

her chick-lit books are great, ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome, Louise Mensch. With Paul tonight is a writer and

presenter who recently described BBC executives as soulless,

soulless, bastards, which some might say is a little heavy on the

soulless and a little light on the bastards, please welcome, Danny

Baker. Let's start with a fairly big story,

take a look at this. No-one stops and searches a tractor,

do they? They are happy, oh no, he's back. Libya, in case we didn't

know what the story was. Safe celebrations there.

Where was he found? A sewer. In a sewer pipe. They are always found

underground, never in the air. There must be something on-line,

called "tunnels for tyrants". They are always so mean because

they must be offered do you want the single pipe or the multiwarren,

just the single pipe for me! There is never a way out. They learned

their lesson this time, with Saddam, he was found and they had to put

him on trial, luckily, this time he was shot. So we didn't have to see

all the character witnesses turning out for Gaddafi, Tony Blair!

yeah. He didn't get one last broadcast, I used to enjoy his

radio shows. A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi. He used

to say the running dog, treacherous vul tures of Washington shall pay

for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race, and now for

Tracey and all at 35, here is The Beach Boys. Cryptically Al-Jazeera

started off saying a big fish had been found, while a BBC reporter

announced that the curly-haired one had been detained, it was like,

they have got Mick Hucknell. There was interesting reaction around the

world, on the Mail website where the following message was posted,

that Libya has got rid of its dictator, when can we get rid of

our's. Do piss off Shaun! How did the people of Sirte

celebrate the news. They fired bullets into the air, very

dangerous to shoot a bullet in the air t can come down and kill you.

On firework night I wonder where the rockets come down, I think this

is the lesson, some good could come out of this. The last bit of the

rocket to come down is the wooden stick. You could be impaled. It

lands on your head and you go to school today and you don't know

what's hit you. That is how this happened. That was a Katherine

wheel gone wrong. What else were they doing in Sirte as celebration?

They were dressing-up as Gaddafi. Dang us I would have thought?

soon, too soon. The shops were thrown open so people could have

whatever they fancied, a tradition started in Tottenham this year!

Andrew Mitchell, the International He's the cabinet minister with

special responsibility for brown nosing. This is the death of

Colonel Gaddafi, one of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio

Berlusconi who said Transit Gloria Mundi, it turns out he was saying

one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a mini-bus. That is the

oldest joke I have ever heard. was revealed that Colonel Gaddafi

had been hoping to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya with a high

ranking British contact, but for some reason, Adam Werritty didn't

show up. Ian and Louise take a look at this? He's not bitter.

former Defence Secretary. The wrath of something flashing over the

Cabinet Office, there's Gus O'Donnell looking scary, diary.

Rather empty now, but he's gone. Dr Fox resigned and he has a �17,000

pay-off. David Cameron says to put the story behind us, forget about

it, it was embarrassing, it's over. What's wrong with that? It isn't!

Isn't it? Not if I can help it! Were you there for his good goodbye

resignation speech? I did hear it. Were you moved? I was moved,

especially when he thanked his wife and those targeted by the media, I

was moved by that. Did you think, God, the media, they are to blame?

If it hadn't been for the media he would still be in his job?

thought that there were legitimate things the media asked and totally

illegitimate things. Which ones were they? The innuendo about his

personal life. He said he blurred his personal and professional life,

presumably we were allowed to ask about the personal life. There was

a legitimate area of professional life and most of the inquiry was

not about it. So he had his mate in the room who wasn't security vetted,

who was listening to briefings he shouldn't. A mate paid by shadyoy

transatlantic interests, including the Israeli Government and others,

paying through a firm called sat- nav, par gav, which managed to fork

out all the money. It was a deriliction of duty. He resigned

for it, it was a breach of the code. That sound like he has ripped his

trousers. It seems an extraordinary thing to

take your mate along when dealing with nuclear warheads or not. Come

in, he's all right, come on, sit down. Order some drinks up, we will

have this done in ten minutes, go on! There was some cheap innuendo?

No. No cheap innuendo. If Adam Werritty had been a young girl,

younger than a minister, 17 years younger, who he met at a university,

put in his own house, given a job, stuck with him, and taken on

holiday to a four-star hotel, then you would have seen some proper

innuendo! So you are saying Fox resigned because he did something

wrong, or did he? Here is his colleague Peter Bone MP on

Newsnight. Why not just accept the obvious. That he resigned because

he did something wrong. Absolutely not. He resigned because he did

something right? He resigned because he did something right, yes.

I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox there wouldn't be sympathy. Now

everyone can say Fox was hounded or hunted. What if he was called Dr

Liam pier Rana! Dr Liam Vampire Squid, we would have had a more

accurate representation. David Cameron said he felt ministerials

rules needed to be tightened. That's what he meant was followed,

perhaps what he meant was followed? Political lobbying is in the

spotlight again after the Fox affair. David Cameron has been

fairly outspoken on this issue for a number of years. Anyone know what

he said about this before? He said it was a scandal and needed to be

sorted out. We are bring anything a select committee on lobbyist,

Labour voted against that in 2006, we are going to bring it in. Let

sunshine bring in the day. Who's competing against sunshine for the

day. Let sunshine win the day, who is sunshine competing against for

the honour of the day. I think the night. It can't compete against the

day, the hours are differently. need sunshine to win the day.

isn't your most controversial policy, is it. Sunshine's better

than the nightime! These things only tend to happen once

resignation, shame, police involved, it is like they have been caught

shoplifting, you know what, I'm never doing that again, that is in

my favour, how about that. I intend to blur the distinction between

thieving and not thieving. Another beneficiary of the distraction

provided by the Fox debacle was Oliver Letwin, or as the Mirror

called him "gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon, Oliver Letwin". What has

gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin within up to? He was found

in park throwing away papers, the Mirror said they were secret, they

weren't secret or classified, but Oliver was throwing them away in

the bin. So there was nothing in that, and Fox was doing nothing

abroad, what do your lot do. uncle lost his job doing his work

in the park, he was a grave digger, you could see the trouble the

council had with that. A spokesman said Mr Letwin does some of his

business in the park! Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop! Letwin

has apologised. I do apologise, because I do understand that

constituents may feel that I shouldn't have allowed their papers

to be in that bin. He shouldn't have allowed it, the papers were

going in the bin, he saw it, but he allowed it! Things separated from

him. I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed

it! And your fellow MP and coalition partner, Mike Hancock,

has been in the news again? He has. Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart

of the Defence Select Committee, stepped down from it this week,

after it was revealed that a young lady with whom he had been having

an affair might have been a Russian spy. There is a question that she

was allowed to see some confidential briefings and what

have you. She had a pass, she was vetted by the Commons. A proper

pass or did it just say "advisor on it"!? A vetted past, and she was a

young and attractive lady. I hope this isn't innuendo! She was an

attractive lady. She was called Ekaterina Zatuliveter, she's

currently fighting extradition. In the papers Mike Hancock was

described as vulnerable to foreign agencies because of his history of

extra marital affairs, that is code for "a bit of a shagger".

They said she was immensely valuable to Russian intelligence

because of the ease she makes intimate relationship, that is code

for "a bit of a slag". How come she he's a slag and he's a shagger.

It's the code. You are breaching the comic's code. I'm saying what

the code of the tabloids is. It is the male code. The evil tabloid.

Everybody knows what the code means, I'm not defending the code, I think

it is abhorrent! Can't we say they both have inappropriate

relationships. There we are. They have blurred the line between not

having sex and having sex. Because they went so fast there was a blur,

and they blurred, who is doing what to who, I have no idea, pass the

biscuits, they wok up and it was all a dream - woke up and it was

all a dream. What was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?

Nothing, she the opening line, "I hear you have a huge naval base in

your constituency", nothing else. You won't be taking this up the

Kremlin will you?! Yes, no he offered her a CD. A CD. Sheehy

vently moved into his London flat, - she eventually moved into his

London flat. He submitted a claim for an iron for the flat, because

he takes pride in his ray peerns. I bet you do - - appearance. Mike

Hancock's young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy,

Mr Zatuliveter was described as a femme fatale with a talent for

seducing men in powerful positions and Lib Dem backbenchers.

Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spi, but admits affairs

with NATO official, a Dutch diplomat and a senior member of the

UN. She can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour!

It is alleged Miss Zatuliveter had an affair in order to obtain

Government secrets, if that was all she wanted, she could have gone to

a St James's Park bin. Paul and Danny take a look at this. This is

the travellers being run out of the ...Olympic Stadium is coming on

well. The Olympic rings, only three have turned up. Yes, that is the

demolition of part of the Dale Farm traveller site near Basildon. It is

reported that several people have been tasered, many Essex residents

thought it was a new beauty treatment! It is about ten years

this has been going on. They have spent �18 million, essentially, on

what is something like 40 families. It is the most staggering waste of

time and effort. People said I can't believe this much money has

been spent on what should be a, given all the other problems,

something a bit solable. Or at least, in the modern way, turn it

into some kind of show. "the caravan being evicted this week

is..." What is going on peacefully? The protest outside St Paul's

against the terrible world economy. They have already had to close the

shop and cafe? What is happening to religion. They were protesting

against the Stock Exchange, but they couldn't camp outside there,

and St Paul's said, already, you can camp here? It was amusing to

see the longest queue ever for star, but in the history of the world in

that square - star, but, but in the history of that - Starbucks, but in

the history of that square. What do they want to achieve? Overthrowing

the corrupt system. They tweet on the iPhones, between getting cafe

lattes, and housing themselves in fancy tents. They are against

capitalism, except for the lattes. If they like coffee they can't be

against capitalism. You can't negate them at the can't have a cup

of coffee. It is like the man on the way to the gallows, you ate

your last meal, what's the matter with you. You can't be against

capitalism and then take everything that it provides and say this is

terrific, but I hate the system you survive in. One cup of coffee.

Can't they be about, sorry, no, no, It is just so obvious, I can't be

bothered. What were you going to say?

don't have to want to return to a Barter system in the stone - Barter

system in the Stone Age to complain about the system in the world, even

if you have a cup of coffee and a tent. You really can't get out

there and say capitalism is crisis and enjoy everything it brings.

keep saying everything, they had a cup of coffee. That is not

everything. According to the Guardian, the protestors have a

number of targets, their ambition is to stamp out greed and world

poverty. They are hoping to set up a visitors' centre and an outreach

group to spread the message. That sounds really effective. Much

better to get some lobbyists in! What did an extra from Downton

Abbey Matthew watt kinsson. If he has drunk coffee he has no opinion

at all, if I can smell an espresso on his breath get out of here.

Matthew from Downton Abbey? From upstairs or downstairs. That will

make a difference. He could be saying "yes my Lord", or "hello".

haven't seen it, I now don't need to. That is it, that is the whole

plot. Have you not seen Downton Abbey? No, I was on tour when it

was on, this time, missed it! blurred the line between watching

it and missing it, you blurred that line. Any way, Matthew Watkinson

told the Mail why he was at the camp, he said he was a vet for

eight years, there is a lot of greed in vets, that is why I

stopped. This is the leader of Basildon Council, calling on those

inside Dale Farm to behave responsibly, those on the outside

can Taser away as much as they like. Meanwhile, anti-capitalist protests

in many cities around the world. Outside St Paul's Cathedral,

unemployed protestor Katherine said she had to get her food from

rubbish bins. Things are bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's

papers. In Italy they go on the ram pij,

and if anyone can be accused of screwing the younger generation it

is Silvio Berlusconi. And so to round two, the

strengthometer of news, fingers on buzzers, here is the first one.

They found out this week there is a virus that attacks people who are

going for the essential treatment of having your rough skin taken off

your toes by fish, instead of a pumice stone. You may find you lose

a leg. It is a belief you might be able to

catch hepatitis from them, the fish suffer, because they get athlete's

Gill, bunion fin, they get that as well. It sounds like a country and

western singer. Hepatitis C, let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Mattlis

Oh Emily! Get yourself down the clinic and take your hepatitis feet

with you now. How could these infections be

passed on? Rumour! I tend to think it has something to do with white

bait, I have not made the connection, I'm sure once the fish

have are no longer useful, some of the restaurants I know will have

them. That is how these things get out. That is the economic reality.

According to the Sun infections and bacteria may be passed on by the

fish themselves or water used by a previous client and left unchanged.

It is not just the feet owners left at risk. What risk to the fish

face? Don't call me fish-face, I'm a guest. The fish are starving,

they are not getting enough to eat. The RSPCA has raised concerns about

the fish saying some are starved so they nibble more flesh from the

feet. Here is the headline: The some what surprising sequel to

Tinker Taylor Tolder Spy. This is the news that 60,000 people

a year now change their names by deed poll, compared with just 197

in the year 2000. The process has been dramatically simplified. Ten

years ago it was complicated, now you only need �33 and filling out a

form. Anyone think of hilarious names being changed? We can't think

of anything hilarious, that is not what we are here for. There is Asda

worker Greg Lewis, who went for Dr Pasty-lover smasher. And Shaun

McCormack who changed his name to Fernando Torres, he moved to

Chelsea a few minutes later. What came as a surprise to the Asda

worker, Dr Pasty. He said when he found out he had officially changed

He's stoo stupid to be a doctor. Bang that with a hammer we have had

enough of it. Hit me too, I have had enough of this programme.

Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames when they get

married. Mr and Mrs puffin came out of that.

They told the Telegraph they wouldn't change it back their

children will be puffins too. Until they manage to scrape together �33.

Sometimes changing your name could be changing a vowell, Paul Martin

became Paul Merton, and Brian Cant said it was the best �33 he ever

spent. Now for the next round. The bin bulletin, designed to go

straight in. Here is your lost bag but, what? Whose head is that?

afraid it smells a bit? But, I'll keep the camera. This is the story

of a person who found a handbag that was lost at the airport, but

kept the camera in it as a reward for themselves and sent it back.

Tabloid readers were shocked that they kept the camera, rather than

the customary thing which is stuff it down your parents and take a

photograph and then return it. Physically violated. Utted.

Demands strip-search of rival. Ed Martin was accused of hiding the

letter "G", his opponent said he should be strip-searched, when they

searched him in the toilet all they found was a Q. Tony Blair is good

at scrabble, he's the only one who has wound WMD in Iraq.

What about this one? She NUTed me. She didn't seem to mind. Michael

Winner explained on three occasions he called the Queen darling because

that is what he tends to do. Her Majesty ignored Michael because

that is what everyone tends to do. Finally, what and he's taxi driver

all Alan from Torquay. God does exist. The mumry returns. This is

the taxi driver who has become the first man to be mummified in the

style of the ancient Egyptians. Ancient Egyptians believed in the

afterlife you had to cross the river of fire, I'm guessing he will

be the only taxi driver crossing that river this time of night. The

final scores are Ian and Louise on six, Paul and Danny on seven.

Before we go there is time for the caption competition. Ian and Louise

you have this? David Cameron woulds the women's vote. Mrs Thatcher's

Specially-supposed photograph appears in newspapers. Pied Piper

tells Jobcentre, he still has it! On which note we say thank you to

the panelist, Louise Mensch and Paul Merton, Danny Baker and Ian

Hislop. There is a worrying site for Michael Jackson's doctor as he

arrives for his LA trial. In west Dorset one constituent decides he

might as well cut out the middle man and wait for a personal meeting