Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, Welcome To Have I Got News For You. In the news this week,

as his ex-wife's revelations appear in the tabloid press, Jeremy

Clarkson runs over Max Clifford in the street. As he arrives late from

his hotel for the Euro-summit, Nicholas Sarkozy explains how he

got trapped in a folding bed. And in London there are rumours that

Kate Middleton has signed a multi- million pounds sponsorship deal

with Pringles. On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning

journalist and broadcaster who, in 2009 visited a drug rehabilitation

centre in Walsall. I think she was there to do an interview. Please

welcome Victoria Derbyshire. And with Paul tonight is a comic who

says his career has always been guided more by how much fun he's

having than anything else. Tonight we can only assume he is here for

the pay packet. Please welcome Ross Noble. We start with the big

stories of the week. Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.

Angela Merkel and snicker last, Silvio. David Cameron is not in the

Euro gang. It is he being lynched? Someone singing Britannia rules the

waves and burning and EU flag. I expect that has clinched the

argument. This is the big, emergency crisis summit in Brussels

where all the EU leaders are certain they want an end to the

uncertainty, they are just not certain how to do it. They have

agreed or what? They have said we agreed that we really look to do

something about this crisis. I am relieved. There are 17 different

nations who cannot agree what time of day they should all eat cheese.

No wonder it has taken two years to get to this point. Nicholas Sarkozy

made a cheap joke about Angela Merkel which set back the euro

about six months. He said, she is on a diet, but I saw her eating

cheese twice. By as one of those cheeses represent the war?

brought up the war and said unless we solve this, there is going to be

another war. I thought, not necessarily. Where does the Primula

cheese spread fit into this? I am not the most political man, but...

Where does that fit in? Is that a top British cheese? It is like

toothpaste in HGVs form. It is magnificent. I put it on a

toothbrush and then phlox with it the wax from a Baby Bell cheese. I

thought this was have I got cheese for you. He referred to me as dairy.

-- dairy. Why is the imminent collapse of the euro different this

time? It is serious this time. We accept crease is going to go bust,

but now it is Italy as well. Most people would have thought it Lee is

a stable country run by a sensible fellow. That cannot be going down

the tubes. But apparently he spent over one trillion Euros on

prostitutes. No, I have made that up. The how much is the bail-out

this time? For Italy one. Something trillion. That is their debt. The

bail-out fund has gone up from 400 billion euros to one trillion Euros.

But they do not know where this money is coming from. They said, we

have got this fantastic plan and we will borrow it from the Chinese.

But they have not asked. And what do the Chinese know about to his?

Nothing. It is not in their diet. If Greece goes, it does not matter,

because who likes feta cheese. anyone know what a trillion pounds

is? 1 billion. It is when a human mates with a claim on. So, you have

met the wife! How has David Cameron been referring to the latest plans

to fix the euro? President Sarkozy shouted at him on Sunday apparently

and said, we are so good you... Know, that is Italian. What is the

French accent? Camembert, Camembert. We are sick of you criticising...

That is done Nancy Dell'Olio. great, keep going. We are sick of

you criticise it as, you hate the euro and you still want to

interfere in our meeting. We are not interested in your cathedral

city! Nicholas Sarkozy is alleged Let's have a look at what happened

when Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel were asked if they had

persuaded Silvio Berlusconi to do something about Italy's debts.

were asked if they thought he had listened. A look said it all. They

cannot even be bothered to tell the light. Italy may be about to agree

drastic measures to help save the Europe. Anyone know what it is?

Raise the pension age, late of thousands of people? There was a

fight in the Dutch parliament. This is how politics works. Why is John

Bishop in the middle? And why is Spike Milligan helping from behind?

Meanwhile, back at home Cameron was tackling a backbench rebellion on a

referendum over the EU membership bunny. How many voted against?

This is according to the Times. is a hard habit to break. One of

them it was Jacob Rees-Mogg. He his father is William Rees-Mogg who is

a famous newspaper columnist. But take up is very odd. Is the

crackers? Jacob crackers, it deserved more. I think David

Cameron finds him hugely Did we see how Newsnight dealt with

this? When you were speaking last night you invoked the spirit of

Henry the Fifth. Stiffen the sinews. Summer up the blood, be like a

tiger, absolutely. A as opposed to being like a pussycat. That is

absolutely right. What the Prime Minister means... Who is this cat?

The Prime Minister has to say, I have got to get power is back

because my backbenchers wanted. We strengthen the Prime Minister's

position and helping to have the courage of a tiger when he is

negotiating with the Lib Dems. now on every time there is a

problem in politics, bring out the mice. We will fix it. And so Nick

Clegg has not been helping David Cameron this week. You interviewed

Nick Clegg shortly after he was elected as Lib Dem leader. I did,

that was a few years ago. A nice guy? He was fined. As a BBC

journalist I am not... You are be impartial. I am paid not to have

opinions. Welcome to the show. sent our reporter out to see how

much the name of Nick Clegg has seeped into the public's

consciousness. I think I recognise him. Is it Steve? Steve who?

worked for him. I love that. This is the European crisis. According

to the sun there are claims that Berlusconi needs another �220

billion just to keep up with the interest will stop that is what

happens when you take out a small loan with a Mafia family. Should

Berlusconi stepped down, his likely successor will be the leader of the

Northern League party. Soon it Italy's leader will be bossy as

opposed to randy. Last week Nicolas Sarkozy had a beautiful little girl

called Julia, as did Sudhir Berlusconi, but that is a different

story. The Queen and Prince Philip in Australia. And a stick. This

boomerang is crap. It is just a stick, you are having me on. That

is an enclosure with poor people in it. Take those, they are horrible.

This is the Queen and Prince Philip going around Australia and they are

being greeted by crowds. And they rode on a tram. In Melbourne?

it was the very tram that went past a hospital where Lee Mack used to

work as a bogus official. Let's not talk about that. I used to book

people in for appointments. I was not a gynaecologist. You were an

enthusiastic amateur. Go on, have a look, I cannot do anything about it.

What has been the big noise down under according to the Daily Mail.

This would be about the Australian Prime Minister not curtsying.

Gillard? She said, it is just not me. What else did she do that was

wrong? She rolled attire at the Queen. She put attire on a swing

and as the Queen approached she went... The Queen went, go on,

curtsied. She said, I cannot, love, I am in a bloody tyre. She did not

have a baton. That is it. What did Buckingham Palace say? We did not

notice. People can dress however daylight. Just curtsy. Actually,

that would have been better. Just curtsy. Did you see the Queen meet

one of the bullying bloomers? They are a top Australian basketball

team. The Queen met one of them. She is very tall. Let's have a look

at this. The Queen is the one on the left in case you are wondering.

You feel she could quite literally just pop the Queen through the hoop.

What did the Queen say when she saw this lady? Have you come far?

it started raining yet? After meeting the basketball Quare --

Blair, the Queen was a Quantas about her height, so Prince Philip

tried to help her feel a bit better. -- self conscious. At an official

banquet Prince Philip was reminded of what he said when he was

introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who worked in movies. Why

do we feel sorry for the Queen? heating bills? She is spending a

lot of money heating Buckingham Palace. She is one of these people,

older couples living in big buildings with no children.

Charles is flogging it off. He said, I am not going to live in

Buckingham Palace when I am king. It could be because he's not going

to be king. He is going to turn it into a hotel. While Prince Charles

be the hotel manager? And Camilla is going to serve breakfast. Here

we are, love. Charles will probably have a number of us highly

specialised servants. What was one of them? The guy who squeezes the

toothpaste. Be guided gives you the numbers for the naughty movies on

TV. The amount of times I have had to summon up a but lurked I spent

so much time on the road. Is that some sort of slang? I according to

a new book on the History of Buckingham Palace: What is so

special about the White drawing Room? It is black. It is yellow,

but it has a full-length mirror in Cool. Are they literally just

waiting there and everyone is having their starter and a match is

going, not yet, wait, wait. I am desperate for a kiss. Not yet, not

yet. Do we believe any of this book? No. Andrew Marr has a new

book out called the diamond queen. The working title was Andrew Marr's

cash in Burke. It should cover the fees for the next libel injunction

forced Bob --.. Now, the large Hadron Collider of news. In this

round we fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse

the results. Buzz in when you know what the story is. That is the 10th

city that nobody is in. They have set up their tents outside the

cathedral and they have used thermal imaging devices. And none

of them were wearing thermals. Some canon has been fired or whatever.

He has resigned because he invited them to stay originally because he

thought it might be a good idea these people protesting about

poverty. But he was overruled. The Dean came in and said, the gift

shop is using a lot of money. They closed the cathedral. It was on the

grounds of health and safety. They said the guy ropes of the tent

might trip over visitors and there could be a rodent problem. That

bloke has been nailed to a bit of wood. Never mind the guy ropes.

Look at them up at the top. I am going to grow a beard, walked out

dressed in a loincloth and go, out. It is just so they can and can go,

I told you I would get my supervisor. Critics are concerned

the protest is having an adverse effect on the businesses of the

There is a new perfume in Burton on Trent. Yes, there is. I read the

words Burton on Trent and saw some perfume. Do we know what is unusual

about it? It smells of... Burton on Trent city centre. You are not 1

You are really selling it. So do people go to the chemist and go, I

will get this new perfume, it is a Big Issue seller and a Dixons.

I think any woman would fight to have the aroma of Branston pickle

around them. You would not like his Malak your home town. Where are you

from? I was born in Bury. It says on this card Ramsbottom. You can

smell like a Ramsbottom. Let's do it again. You would not want to

smell like your home town. Where are you from? Ramsbottom. You are

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 42 seconds

She claimed his ex-wife had had an affair after a remarrying. It is

almost the last of the big super injunctions that no one was allowed

to report. Was it generally known? Did you know it? Yes. Did you know

it Christian art yes, Ian told me. That means I am technically in

breach of the injunction. You better come and visit me.

Originally everyone thought it was Jeremy Clarkson and Jemima Khan.

one thought that except people on Twitter because they do not know. A

year did not think that? No. People thought it was about Jemima Khan?

It is like being in court. Get used to it, blabbermouth. It is an actor

Arman under the thing. Clarkson said that one reason for dropping

his super injunction was the cost. TELEPHONE RINGS. I cannot stop now,

I am in the middle of a television recording. I will ring you back.

is my lawyer. I had a conversation with Paul Merton six months ago,

but I did not mention anything. Anything that could have been

linked to any of those cases, particularly not that one.

Absolutely. You can tell Ross. Paul told me. A how did he find

out? Ian told me. Time now for the odd one out. Hermann Goring,

Richard Branson and an alchemist. Somebody's set off some fireworks

from the bathroom of his house. Richard Branson's house burnt down.

Here is the 4th person? alchemist. He wants to be an

alchemist. He is trying to get gold from lead. Is it about fireworks?

Is that the idea? You are on the right track. Hermann Goering.

is it him? All their houses burnt down and his did not. His did not

and the producers just randomly selected him. They all have houses

that caught fire apart from Herman Goring who ordered the Luftwaffe at

not to drop in Sentry bombs on a Kent seaside town. Have you seen

it? Yes. That is what he was interested in living in. How did

they cover it? High, he left. published this voter with Herman

Goring looking out at sea. Police were called to the Manchester City

striker Mario Balotelli's house after a friend set off fireworks in

the bathroom. Why in the bathroom. The kitchen was busy, there was a

Didn't he chuck his keys at the police and say, if you need me,

I'll be at the Radisson. Charming. Wanna be alwe mist Paul Moran, he

set his council house on fire trying to turn his own faeces into

gold by heating it to a high temperature. Urgh. He hasn't read

the books, as he. Literally sitting on a gold mine, is that the idea?!

He's a bloke from Ireland who turned into gold. Isn't that

Westlife. Blan son's house in the Caribbean burned down after being

struck by lightning -- Branson. Kate Winslet was there. She saved

his mum. He told us that: Fleeing from a burning mansion on a

private Caribbean island carrying the elderly mother of a bearded

multibillionaire - that's a real- life situation, I think we can all

relax now. Time now for the missing round.

Newsletter of the Museum of Celebrity leftovers. A museum

devoted to leftover food, not to be confused with the celebrity

leftovers you can see on the current series of Strictly Come

Dancing. And we start with, Ryanair shocks passengers by what? Taking

them to destination. Passing the electric current through seats in

the second class? Treating them like human beings? Oh, it was the

cockpit, with the tape, they taped up the cockpit window and then took

off. The right answer, yes. Taping up pay lot's window. Let's have a

look at that. It's actually more worrying than it look, because

that's after take off! Next, Museum of Slenty leftovers was what? --

celebrity leftovers was what? success. Disaster. Closed. Bombed.

Was it gutted when Eamonn Holmes turned up? Museum of Celebrity

leftovers was "hateful". Says Eamonn Holmes. A review of the

Growing them. Inserting them. Should I tell you? Owning more than

ten. This is an American thief in San

Diego banned by a judge from owning more than ten avenue ka does after

he admitted stealing more than thousands worth. -- avocados.

The final scores are : Before we go, time for the caption competition.

Ian and Victoria have this. Have you met Mr Clegg? District council

for's hair cut resembles a tunnel. A tiny man climbs out of his bum. J

Paul and Ross get this. Come on Gaddafi, we know you're in there.

It's funny, if you whistle at that end, do you get a noise at the

other? On which note we say thanks to the panellists and I leave you

with news that, at a meeting of the G8 countries, there was a tense

moment as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese

Prime Minister. After running over the family rabbit with a hover

mower, a quick-thinking father tries to hide the evidence before