Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news: The British Davis Cup tennis team hear the announcement

that from now on serving double faults will not be penalised.

In a conference centre in Athens, on hearing a third recipe for

stuffed vine leaves, one man begins to realise he's in the wrong

meeting. And at a Lib Dem conference,

delegates are invited to vote in favour of the motion that Nick

Clegg doesn't have the faintest idea what he's doing.

With Ian is a comedian and actor who believes we have our own inner

idiot inside us. In his case he's probably got room for two or three.

Please welcome Greg Davies. APPLAUSE

With Paul is a journalist who as a child, dreamed of marriage to John

Taylor from Duran Duran. And for younger viewers I should explain,

marriage is something couples used to do when they planned to stay

fogt more than a year or two. -- planned to stay together for more

than a year or two. Welcome Dent didn't. We start with the biggest -

- Grace Dent. Now the biggest stories of the week. That's Greece.

Or it was. It may be part of Germany by now. Papandreou is

announcing something new. She's saying "No way. Chuck it out. "This

is the latest bail out of a bail out. By the time we go out

something else might have happened. Can I just say early doors, I'm

unlikely to make any insightful satirical remarks during this show.

If someone on the camera, when Ian makes one could come to me and I'll

smile appreciatively... LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE No pressure then. I am aware of the

Greek crisis. Oh, good. understanding is that Papandreou?

Very good, yes. My understanding is it's all his fault any way. Well,

I'm glad no-one's asked you then. Apparently about six months ago he

borrowed a tenner off wonga.com. Now they owe �83 billion. There was

meant to be a deal done and then Papandreou said I'm going to ask

the Greek people what they think. Which is pretty ludicrous. Asking

the public what they think about their own future, it wouldn't

happen in this countryment so there -- country. There was going to be a

referendum. The Germans and French said "We're paying. So it better be

a yes." So it suggests they haven't got the hang of democracy. So

literally the referendum has to say "Would you like to leave the euro -

no or no?" Europe are counting on China helping us out. Basically the

Chinese Finance Minister he turned up at the G20 and everyone is

suddenly being nice to him. "Have you lost weight?" Apparently

Berlusconi has offended the Chinese President by doing an incredibly

ill judged knock knock joke. They keep saying that Berlusconi should

move out of the spotlight because he's doing so many bad things. As a

woman I'd prefer him in the spotlight because I can see where

his hands are. Angela Merkel hates him, because he called her a

(BLEEP) lard bucket. Who does your translations for you? Everyone's

got to have a nickname I suppose. always think Angela Merkel sounds

lick a specialist fishing boat. -- bait. Have you got anything? Yeah

no, terrific. How did a government insider defend the announcement?

doesn't know what he's doing. pretty much. He said "There was

absolutely no logic in informing foreign leaders in advance of the

decision as they would only have said it was wrong. "They've

some stuff to sell, Greece. Their version of antiques road show would

be amazing. Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented

according to the Sun? Yes. Feta cheese. Democracy. That's one of

them. The Olympics? Yes. Nana ps Maccouri. That's not there. Drama?

No. Satire. They are mazes, the Olympics, democracy, theatre,

geometry, lesbians... LAUGHTER

And N-Dubz. There was quite a drop off after democracy. In fact the

Sun had a piece "what have the Greeks ever done for us?" The time

line is like this. 10,000 BC, Hercules performs 12 impossible

Hercules performs 12 impossible It's not just Greece that's in

trouble. What was one Spanish mayor's idea for solving his town's

financial crisis? Has he taken all the property back? No. It's the

Mayor of Cacabelos. His brainwave was to bet the entire national

budget on the Spanish National Lottery.

Guess what? Their numbers didn't come up. They also had a

scratchcard but unfortunately no- one has a coin.

As Italy's economic crisis continues, evidence has emerged

that Silvio Berlusconi has made payments of 2.7 million euros to

glamorous women. Including 135,000 to a Russian model. 275,000 to an

Italian actress and 220,000 euros to Miss Lithuania. Come on Miss

Greece, Your Country Needs You. Paul and Grace have a lock at this.

It looks like a royal crown there. That is Prince Charles talking to

somebody. Oh, right yes. OK this is about the Royal Family. I have

determined that by the various examples that you've shown me there.

If you're a lady you're allowed to become Queen now. If the oldest

born is a daughter she can become queen. This is still restricted to

the Royal Family. Difficult for outsiders to break in. It's not the

whole of the aristocracy. If you've been watching Downton Abbey, if

they brought this in for everyone they wouldn't be in that mess.

lady Mary would inherit the abbey. Thank goodness for that. Something

on ITV caught your interest Mr Hislop? I was watching it and it

was full of this stuff about insurance companies. But then there

was stuff about Downton Abbey in between, which I quite enjoyed.

It's the news that the laws of succession are to be changed.

There's a handy guide to how the change affects the current line up.

Prince Andrew's dropped from fourth to seventh, seen as good news by...

Well, just about everyone I think. Nicholas Witchell has moved up a

couple of places. Lovely to see. Who's currently in

number eight but will drop to number 12? Prince Harry?

Viscount Severn. Is he in the matrix? But there's six previous

prototypes. He's a biscuit isn't he? They're delicious. He's Jimmy

Windsor, Prince Edward and Sophie's son. I've never seen a photo of him.

This is quite a big thing for women I think. You know who was our

biggest supporter on this, Geoffrey archer. Feminist icon. Really?

a small step towards modernising the Royal Family. They are still

riding around in massive gold carriages. They're about as modern

as my granddad's views on the Chinese.

I feel sorry for Kate. I don't know, I saw her this week and I think

she's looking thinner than I've ever seen her. She was out doing a,

you know that, open grin or whatever you do. Scrounging for

food round the back of the bins? After everybody criticised her for

not being confident enough. Or for being too thin. Yeah, well no. I'm

saying that from a caring point of view. "Oh, she's so thin, isn't

she?" I don't mean it like that. Are we seeing the birth of a new

mime artist? Don't be horrible to me again.

You were horrible about me in Private Eye. Was I? Yeah, it's OK.

I rang you up and you just went "Yeah, no, I'm sorry."

LAUGHTER And I couldn't stay mad at you

because you're adorable. That hasn't worked for everyone you

upset. Well not with Geoffrey, no. I feel guilty now. Honestly. No I

don't really. According to the Sun under the new arrangements who

would have been on the British throne during Word War I?

Kaiser. Absolutely correct. wouldn't have been on the throne

during Word War I, because he wouldn't be running Germany, he

would have been running Britain. There wouldn't have been a war.

first and second world wars would never have happened and we would

all be driving top of the range audies embracing low levels of

personal debt. APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, who has Prince Charles discovered he's related to?

Queen? The answer is Vlad the Impaler. Talking about his

fascination with Romania, Prince Charles told the Mail "I'm

descended from Vlad the Impaler, so I do have a stake in the country."

Incidentally, they published a picture to accompany the article.

Here it is. Who tucks their tie into their trousers? It's a man who

works for him. Yes, this is a change to the laws

of succession. The upside is that Prince Andrew goes from fourth in

line to seventh. Although on the other hand, Zara Philips goes up

from 12th to sixth, taking with her Prince Mike of Tindall Duke of

dwarf throwing. And here's one more: Yes, this is

somebody operating in black and white. This must be the 75th

anniversary of television. Those days of programmes lasted about 20

seconds. She's gone. Is this it, 75 years of British television, BBC?

That's right. What was the first programme? Was it Bruce Forsyth

presents? It was this: She's miming. Any idea what the second programme

broadcast was? It's the BBC, it was a repeat. Is the right answer.

Let's have a look at the second programme broadcast.

It's often said TV is not as good as it used to be. And it's been

steadily dumbing down. Is there any evidence of this. Here's an

extraction of an edition of Ask The Family from 1981. They are some

times called bilar together with two other cities create two

biblical cities of plain, what were the other two? Sodom and gomorrah.

Here is a recent edition of the weakest link. In travel British

traffic lights are green, amber and which other colour? Green.

Talking of television history. We lost a major figure this week. Who

was that? Sir Jimmy Savile. Anyone ask Jimmy to fix something? I asked

if I could be in an AdamAnt video. Did that work out for snu No, he

never wrote back. When did you write? It wasn't this week was it?

My mum found me writing to him. I asked if I could have a drive in a

tank. My mum said all small boys will ask Sir Jimmy Savile if he can

arrange that. I think you should do something more original. So, I

imagine somewhere at the BBC my letter to Sir Jimmy Savile ask him

if he could fix it for me to go on a big set of steps in a liebury

must still exist." He must thought this is the most tedious 12-year-

old in the history of this programme. Did you say which

section of the library. In the London library. And if you're

watching mum, which I know you are (BLEEP). Back it a Greek theme now.

Please take that out of the edit. I really love my mum. Clearly!

LAUGHTER It's the degree of love that's the

problem. And so to round two, the picture

spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers teams. It's a cat called Beauty who

belongs to an MP's girlfriend. The MP is John Hemming. The MP's wife

was found guilty in court of sneaking into the girlfriend's

house and stealing the cat. didn't remember doing it was her

defence. So, they showed her this to jog her memory. Here she is with

no cat. There we go.

Pretty elaborate case of sleep walking isn't it. The telegraph

reported on Monday "Cat is back, after love triangle MP's court case.

By Wednesday it was MP's cat that came back may be an imposter." John

Hemming allegedly has had lots of affairs. Any idea how many his wife

says? Do we base it on that picture? It's claimed he's had 26

affairs. Does he have access to colour form? How does he do it?

chloroform. How does he do it? can entertain women with his hair

island. "Come with me ladies to my hair island." You will swim amongst

follicles and will enjoy yourself. He resisted all the

superinjunctions. Yes he was the MP who blew Ryan Giggs. Beg your

pardon. Blew his cover. Very happy to reveal other people's private

lives and his own. He's unembarrassable. As is clear by his

hair cut. We learn this week that Nick Clegg likes to do something

while having meetings. Anyone see this? Insane day dreams of

murdering the rest of the coalition. According to the Mail on Sunday,

he's started using a rowing machine during meetings. Cabinet meetings?

I think it's pronounced rowing machine. How was Nick Clegg

described by the hit show the only way is Essex? Never heard of him.

Is that my handbag. Have you been sick in my pocket. Have you watch

today? No, never. But I've been to Essex. One of the gifrlz described

Nick Clegg as "The fit one from the coalition." Did she think the

coalition was a boy band? Yes. Never mind the euro the big story

in British politics involves a missing cat. The cat which may or

may not involve to MP John Hemming has spent the last couple of months

in a house down the road. It must be an MP's cat. It has a second

home. Time for the odd one out round. Just one between the two

teams this week. Tim Henman, the Kismot Killer curry, Ken

Livingstone and Sooty. Just to break the silence, I

thought I'd press the buzzer. I have no idea. Is it Sooty was

always asking "what did you say ?". Ken appearing to be deaf. Tim

saying "Come on Tim." And that curry makes you deaf. That's the

worst answer this programme's ever had. Ever. On any answer in the

history of man. Give him the points for sheer inanity. It's not the

right answer. It's not true. can it not be true? Soony aalways

saying -- sooty is always saying" That. The more you say it actually

the more convincing it sounds. was your answer "I don't know.

was still better than that one. That's true. Can you give us a

clue? Something to do with things going wrong in your body. What

might a very, very hot curry do to you? Diarrhoea. Yes. How unpleasant.

Sooty is clearly the odd one out then. If he isn't, I feel sorry for

the person operating him. At the back of my mind, I have that

Sooty threw a pizza. Yes and it hurt his eye and he had to go to

hospital. What type of pizza? pizza. Pep Rhoney and razor blade

pizza. Tim Henman is the odd one out. Why? Because I've said

everybody else and it was wrong. You're close. Someone went to

hospital after a party with Ken. fell down steps. It has to be food

based. Did he throw down steps and throw a pasty at someone. It's an

animal. Did he throw a bun at a lima? That's not far off the

answer.. A doughnut at a swan? LAUGHTER

That's good, you could get it round its neck. Like hoopla.

You were right. Tim Henman is the odd one out. They've caused someone

to be hospitalised apart from Tim Henman, who merely caused Jack

Duckworth actor to extend his stay in hospital.

Tim Henman's 2007 Wimbledon performance caused Bill to have a

heart attack. He told the Daily Mirror, I remember being in the

hospital watching Tim Henman playing Wimbledon. I was shouting

saying "That's crap." A nurse came in to see if I was OK. I'm fine I

said, I'm just watching this pillock Tim Henman. Two people at a

curry house were hospitalised after suffering a violent' action --

reaction to the curry. They were left writhing on the floor in agony,

vomiting and fainting. That's called a night out in Edinburgh.

One of the victims curiously named curry Kim, described the curry

experience "It felt like I was being chain sawed in the stomach

with hot sauce on the chain saw." That would make it worse, wouldn't

it? Being stabbed with a knife dipped in barbeque sauce. The worst

thing for her, she only came second. The woman who won ate the last bowl

in four seconds and ran outside to be sick. Whereas I didn't. I've

learned I should have had a game plan like that. How did the Sun

cover the story? Curry on vomiting. Vind a-loo break. Curry woman runs

outside in -- and vomits. In brackets, "She has massive tits."

They went with Dial Naan Naan Naan. It was revealed this week that Ken

Livingstone contributed to the hospitalisation of Guy the gorilla

from London zoo. Was he feeding him illegal bananas or something like

that? Ken explains "I loved him. Sometimes throwing him a bar of

milk chocolate, which he would unwrap and eat. 15 years late wher

he died under an aesthetic having dental work I felt guilty. "Why?

Was he having operation. I like your idea that he was feed pg him

illegal bananas. Ken Livingstone with aye massive stash of bananas.

According to the Sun, Paul Daniels was hospitalised this summer after

Sooty smashed him in the face with a pizza. Who can blame him? The

incident led to a huge debate on Twitter, which according to the

Mail was fuelled by a fake Sooty aaccount. -- account. Whereas a

real Sooty account, where he tells fans what he really thinks. We

start with if what, I will eat my box of shorts live on TV? If you

let me give them a rinse through once, says Gazza.

The answer is if nutrinos have broken the speed of light. One

physicist said "It raises the idea that if person A sends a text to

person B, something travelling quickly in the other direction

could see B receive it before A sends it. If you didn't understand

that don't worry, it will be explained again in the repeat

yesterday. Next, what is the issue of the day

for onions? Sha lots coming over here and stealing our jobs.

Transparency. Yes, it's got to be transparency, yes.

The answer is water availability. According to onion world, water is

in high demand, particularly for fish.

LAUGHTER Well said onion world, it's high

time they cut down on their water usage. Next, could your fridge

what? Kill. Convert you to Catholicism. Store of corpse of

Justin Bieber. Be haunted, Hallowe'en story, does your ice

cube tray bear the spirit of Anne Boleyn. Is that tiny pot of yoghurt

kingdom Brunel in tiny form. Grace had it. This is part of a full page

story in the Daily Mail, which advises its readers to invest in a

cheese box. Well, as investments go it's got to be better than most

pension funds. Next what is getting to grips with sour skin and neck

rot? Margaret Thatcher. The answer, I'm surprised you didn't get this

one, Dr Chang Yee Charlie li. What's a hit at the national onion

convention? Spanish onion, onion expert. A type of fruit. Apple

onion. Virginity? Tiny horse. mini lemon. Am. A Winnie water

melon... She's married to Nelson Mandela. The new variety of

Winnie... LAUGHTER

The new variety of mini water melon was just one of the attractions of

the onion convention. Next, dog with nine bill yard balls in stuck

am what? Told to get to the -- stomach what? Told to get to the

end of the queue. Told he needs a break. Should have a rest on the

bottom cushionment Should screw back for the brown.

Has learned his lesson. Will not sit by a snooker table

yawning. The answer is winning animal X-Ray contest.

I'm going to win that contest if it's the last thing... Go on.

one bulldog swallowed his owner's false teeth. According to the Daily

Mail, fortunately the teeth were returned to the owner.

Who is now smiling again. As much as any man can smile whose

teeth have passed through a dog's jest -- digestic system. The final

scores are, Ian and Gregg have eight points. This week's winners

are Paul and Grace with ten! APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that at a G8 conference in Rome, Angela

Merkel regrets answering a live videolink message from Silvio

Berlusconi's hotel room. In London, after a swimming pool is