Episode 5 Have I Got News for You


Episode 5

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host David Mitchell and guest panellists Roisin Conaty and Andy Hamilton.


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Transcript


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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.

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In the news this week, at Heathrow,

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Theresa May's new stricter border controls policy is put into action.

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Authorities in Liverpool hail this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.

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And at a UN charity auction, bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.

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With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24-hour Panel People,

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where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time

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to help David Walliams's career.

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Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.

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He's in America doing The X Factor, isn't he?

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Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

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ANDY: what's he doing?

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That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.

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This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.

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-Isn't it?

-Yeah.

-It's a sad day for people like us.

-Yes, indeed.

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Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not cos of the other stuff, but because

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Italy is massively in debt, and that will only be the debts that Silvio's

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-told them about, because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.

-No.

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You say he doesn't put much in writing,

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but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?

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A note he'd written to himself.

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He wrote the word "traitors" during the vote.

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Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament.

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ROISIN: He put down the number of traitors, eight traitors,

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so he knew how many horses heads to order.

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I think it's a bit unfair. A lot of people have been saying the Italian people are to blame

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for voting for Berlusconi,

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-but it's not like you could tell what he's like just from looking at him.

-No.

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-Imagine if you went to buy something...

-Yeah.

-..And a salesman walked through the door

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towards you, looking like Berlusconi, you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?

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What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?

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ANDY: Falling asleep?

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-Yes, that's right.

-That was one of them.

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Falling asleep was another of them, as well, cos he fell asleep twice.

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And he wasn't embarrassed, that's what's so extraordinary.

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His officials are like, "Wake up, wake up!"

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He didn't care.

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He's not embarrassed by anything, is he? That's his secret, surely.

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Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,

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he was impersonating a disabled person. ROISIN GASPS

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Well, that's someone who is not easily embarrassed, isn't it?

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It's his Ricky Gervais act.

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In our country we've taken the decision NOT to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

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It's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,

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and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,

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Germany, France and Italy.

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Oh, great!

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Italy is going to bail itself out.

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Everyone knows if you've got a three-legged stool,

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it can do perfectly fine with just two of the legs.

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And Berlusconi is still, even though he will soon not be Prime Minister,

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he's going to be a busy man, I think.

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Because he's still facing three court cases, do you know what for?

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Corruption, fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.

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But he had immunity, he passed a law saying that you can't

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prosecute the Prime Minister for anything.

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And then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.

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In the past he's only actually been tried for tax fraud. And embezzlement.

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And attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team.

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And false accounting, and illegally financing a political party.

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And corrupting a judge. Who among us, hasn't done all that?

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-So shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?

-Yes.

-Go on, then.

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I'll give you the first half, and you try to finish them off,

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as Berlusconi said to the actress!

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"..Discovered that mine is a lesbian."

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That's what he said!

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"..Most persecuted."

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That's absolutely right!

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You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy

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he might have thought of one other example.

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He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."

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"When I was elected all the other European leaders said,

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'Jesus Christ'!"

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And here's one from September this year.

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"..So if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off!"

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Apparently you stick that on your manifesto, you get elected in Italy.

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Meanwhile, what has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?

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I've got a whole load of things going through my head, but...

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-She's giving them a tax cut worth £5 billion.

-IAN EXCLAIMS

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How can she afford to do that?

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Cos they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.

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Yes, basically. the German Government has discovered it's going to get

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£14 billion more in tax this year than it expected,

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and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.

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Which is great news. Good for them. Lucky, lucky old Germans.

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Couldn't have happened to a nicer country!

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APPLAUSE

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While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling, of course.

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Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Anyone see this?

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It was a bit aggressive. Even by Paxo standards.

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-He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...

-Yeah, been preying on his mind.

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-..and he just really went for the bloke.

-Let rip.

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Here he is, talking to a Greek man.

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-This isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union...

-I'm not saying it is.

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..It is the fault of the Greeks.

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Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?

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I mean the paradox there is, if they're really dishonest,

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he's not going to give an honest answer, is he?

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Which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?

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FIFA, basically there's a story about whether the England team

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would be allowed to wear the poppy in their friendly match against Spain on Saturday, I think.

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Now they've decided they can wear them on an armband.

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And it was going to be a big problem, FIFA saying you can't do it,

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but then, traditionally, we solved the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung,

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So now we're allowed to wear poppies. Which is great. It was a good solution.

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The lawyer's not going to put that in for a minute!

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The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now,

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he nips out to the machine, so you should be all right!

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James Murdoch's a liar. There, I got that in.

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APPLAUSE

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I'm going to stick up for FIFA, now. On this particular story,

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I think FIFA were right.

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Because, although to us it's just a symbol of remembrance,

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I think to the outside world it probably does look like a political symbol,

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and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.

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It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it?

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FIFA's argument was that if England people are allowed to wear poppies,

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then the Iranian team will be allowed to wear a bomb...

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..as a symbol of resurgent nationalism, and why not?

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Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or do you mean a little graphic with the word "bomb" written on it?

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I don't know how far their technology has advanced!

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It'd play havoc with the offside law.

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I don't understand why... You wear poppies, yes, on a coat or in the street,

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I don't understand why you have to wear them playing football.

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I don't think all activities you have to wear a poppy.

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I was watching ITV news the other night,

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and the weather forecast lady had a poppy the size of the dustbin lid!

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She cares more than other people.

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Personally I think it's very disrespectful they don't play DRESSED as poppies.

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Meanwhile Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.

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They were overheard, weren't they?

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Somebody realised, they were having a chat near a microphone, it happened to be an open mic.

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It was terrific!

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-Yes, it was good.

-Sarkozy said:

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It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.

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Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?

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This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down, but not immediately.

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Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.

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Still, could be worse, could be in lira!

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Also this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.

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It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.

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Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

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That's Theresa May. Talking about border controls.

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"Shall we let this one in?"

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"No! Keep him out, he's very dangerous."

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Oh, that's people from the 1950s, they're allowed into Britain again.

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This is a bit of a row about our borders.

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-And it appears...

-It sounds like you're a headmaster of a public school.

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Some of the boarders have been drinking after lights out,

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and I think some of the day boys have probably brought it in.

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Should never have had day boys at all.

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You exploring your hinterland?

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You dirty devil.

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I could go on for hours.

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There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls,

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or, she didn't do it but they were relaxed, and a whole load of people came in totally unchecked.

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Which is amazing, cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you thought, it cannot go any slower.

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But apparently they tried to speed it up,

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no terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.

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Obviously this was quite embarrassing,

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she blamed her civil servant, the man running the borders agency,

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she said it's his fault, he said it's not my fault,

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and I'm going to take you to an industrial tribunal.

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At the moment she's still got a job.

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It's basically good intentions.

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They paid £5.6 billion for these biometric passports,

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where they photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff,

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they invented all this technology to stop terrorism, billions of pounds,

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and then basically what brought it down was,

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"Oh, there's a queue, let 'em in. Let 'em in."

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Certainly the terrorist queue at Heathrow, hundreds of people there.

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You'd have to wave them through, otherwise they'd still be there now.

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I always presumed when you see those queues,

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the length of those queues in immigration,

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I always presume that was part of the citizenship test.

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-Can you queue patiently?

-For hours.

-Are you cut out for life in Britain?

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There was a headline on one of the newspapers,

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when Brodie what's-his-face complained.

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I don't think he's called Brodie what's-his-face.

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It'd be an amusing name for man in charge of passports.

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Brodie Clark is his name,

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and he emphatically denies he was bothered about cutting waiting times at passport control.

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He said:

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Yes, well done, Brodie!

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And why is none of this a big deal?

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She's not going to resign, as far as we know.

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And his tribunal we haven't yet, so we don't know what's happening.

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The other reason this is arguably not a big deal, is that in general,

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terrorists don't try to wander past passport control,

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and we've got plenty of terrorists of our own.

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You know, the 7/7? British terrorists.

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IRA? British terrorists.

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I mean, they might not SEE themselves as British, but...

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What's the really bad news for Theresa May?

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She discovered her husband's a robot?

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She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?

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-No.

-It'd be terrible if you found out your husband was a robot, wouldn't it?

-It would.

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If had you access to the controls, it wouldn't be bad.

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If you had, you know, you could get rid of some of the faults.

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"40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."

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Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot...

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-Even worse than that?

-..According to a spokesman,

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Staying with laxity and sloppiness,

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what has been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?

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-Oh, yes!

-PAUL CHUCKLES

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I think it was 16 prostitutes, a sack of marijuana,

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several bottles of vodka, a hundred chickens, I think,

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certainly, and a couple of pet pheasants.

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You are incredibly close?

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I had to smuggle it all in one weekend.

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The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.

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In the end, I disguised some of them as chickens.

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In fact, 19 prostitutes, 3 got in without your help.

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You can never trust them.

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There can't be a hundred of them - they don't get on.

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A hundred of them together.

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Must have had a hundred boxes. That's the only way you could do it.

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It is like Deal Or No Deal.

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Which box has a fighting cock in it?

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There's a quiz show in that.

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This is all found in one prison.

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One prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail -

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he was only sentenced to five.

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This is the border control row threatening the Home Secretary.

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Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.

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In the end there was so many she waved some of them through.

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At one point border staff were letting potential immigrants in

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without even asking basic questions, such as, "Do you have a cat?"

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Here is a bonus one for you.

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Surveillance, the news that the Duke of Cambridge and Gary Lineker,

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amongst others, have been tailed by private eyes.

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Steve Davis has put on weight!

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It looks like we can't afford colour in this country any more.

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Surveillance, News International, News Of The World.

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They spied on some lawyers that were representing some people who were?

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The worrying thing was the News Of The World,

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which is in trouble for hacking voice mails, decided the way to

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counter that accusation was to put a private detective on to

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the members of the parliamentary select committee, and the victims.

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James Murdoch was in front of a committee,

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and he had to start off explaining why he had done that.

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Of course, he had no idea it was happening.

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Tom Watson, the Labour MP, just went for it, and said,

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"You're the Mafia. You're the first Mafia leader

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"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."

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This is in a select committee.

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Everyone's going, "Really, that's very poor taste, Tom, ha-ha-ha!"

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Someone is lying.

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James Murdoch's evidence saying I didn't know anything

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is exactly denied by the News Of The World lawyer, Tom Crone,

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the editor of the News Of The World, Colin Myler,

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and journalist Neville Thurlbeck.

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They say he did know, they showed him the relevant thing.

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He said they didn't.

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How can one possibly tell, it is their word against his.

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Make your mind up!

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It is not that much like the Mafia.

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The Mafia can keep their shit together.

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This Derek Webb is like the Mafia, the private investigator,

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the only reason he came out because they didn't pay him "loyalty" money.

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That's very mafia.

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Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.

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Shadow's mainly are silent.

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A noisy shadow? Every time the sun comes out. "Here we are again!"

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Shut up!

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That is a ridiculous list of people he was spying on.

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As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.

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How does he know so much about football?

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He must have records at home!

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There is no public interest, John Motson, I don't think,

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is going to be involved in a sex scandal, even if he was,

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we don't want to know about it, we would be too upset.

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-It'd be Frank Bough all over again.

-I've never recovered from that.

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Strange thing about Murdoch's evidence,

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it was all done in the reasonable business speak,

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with loads of words like "due process" and "proactivity".

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What was the thing he said about mind?

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It was to do with it wasn't a priority.

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He kept saying, "It wasn't top of mind."

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I've never heard. They asked him,

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given that he believed that there was only one rotten egg,

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and that was the royal reporter, why, when they told them they had

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to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor, he didn't ask more questions,

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that is when he said asking that question wasn't "top of mind".

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So you are paying £700,000 to someone

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he's never heard of, and you assume it is not a problem.

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A very odd way for his brain to work, only thing top of mind works.

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He needed to go to the lavatory, so it is not top of mind.

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"Must pee." That goes away, and he has forgotten about the money.

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Lunch is top of mind then.

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It is totally understandable, he deserves our sympathy.

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I don't know why you put him in charge of a large organisation,

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because he's a moron.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Who else was followed by the News Of The World?

-Ian.

-Ian wasn't followed?

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I would follow you, Ian!

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That makes me feel a lot better(!)

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Surely you were followed by private detectives.

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I was phone tapped by a private detective in the operation

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-before this one.

-Who paid for this?

-The Daily Express.

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Do they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?

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LAUGHTER

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It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.

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True.

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They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents as well, which was weird.

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We know they had sex or he wouldn't exist!

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Maybe they ARE wizards.

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Fingers crossed.

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While the front page of the Sun

0:20:260:20:28

was filled with the usual X Factor drivel, behind the scenes,

0:20:280:20:31

there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was it?

0:20:310:20:34

-One of them was arrested.

-Yes. Until now it's just been people

0:20:340:20:36

who worked for the defunct News Of The World who've been arrested.

0:20:360:20:39

What did James Murdoch say?

0:20:390:20:41

-He apologised.

-Oh, he knew about it this time, did he?

0:20:410:20:45

He just apologised that it had happened at all.

0:20:450:20:47

And he said, "If this is true, I'm going to close down the Sun."

0:20:470:20:50

And then outside, the church bells were ringing.

0:20:500:20:53

Pensioners dancing in the streets.

0:20:530:20:55

# Ding dong the witch is dead... #

0:20:550:20:57

Topless women weeping!

0:20:570:20:59

Where will we go?

0:21:000:21:02

What was the reaction in the Sun's newsroom to the arrest?

0:21:040:21:08

-Did they organise a secret Santa?

-To follow people around?

0:21:080:21:11

Climb down chimneys, take photographs.

0:21:140:21:18

Only really effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.

0:21:180:21:22

One of The Sun journalists told the Independent,

0:21:220:21:24

"They have opened up Pandora's box."

0:21:240:21:27

That's a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.

0:21:270:21:32

Another said, "People felt like they were watching the end of The Sun."

0:21:320:21:37

Or dusk. As it is commonly known.

0:21:370:21:40

Maybe they could relaunch it as an evening paper?

0:21:400:21:43

-The Daily Moon.

-The Daily Moon!

0:21:430:21:45

Big pair of buttocks on the mast...

0:21:470:21:50

Yes, the News Of The World may be dead,

0:21:530:21:55

but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.

0:21:550:21:57

The News Of The World paid a private investigator

0:21:570:21:59

to carry out surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer Mark Lewis

0:21:590:22:03

which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis and his teenage daughter

0:22:030:22:07

as they visited a branch of Tesco.

0:22:070:22:09

If you're looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.

0:22:090:22:13

Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World

0:22:150:22:17

was former Lib-Dem leader Charles Kennedy.

0:22:170:22:20

That's a tough pub crawl, even for a...

0:22:200:22:22

And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.

0:22:240:22:27

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:22:270:22:29

This is an unfortunate by-product of malaria.

0:22:360:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:41

No, this is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,

0:22:430:22:47

he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin.

0:22:470:22:50

They only discovered it when they cut it open and a sealion fell out.

0:22:500:22:55

This year, he's entered the competition again

0:22:550:22:57

and he's won fair and square.

0:22:570:22:58

This is champion pumpkin grower, Barry Truss.

0:22:580:23:00

Wow. Look at that size of that.

0:23:020:23:03

And look at his pumpkin.

0:23:050:23:07

That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.

0:23:070:23:10

The world of vegetable growing is a pretty seedy one. Barry has form...

0:23:120:23:16

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:23:160:23:19

I actually read that out without even noticing.

0:23:190:23:21

Literally, it wasn't top of mind!

0:23:240:23:27

He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.

0:23:280:23:32

His biggest rival, Pete Glaze,

0:23:320:23:33

claimed Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.

0:23:330:23:37

Truss defended himself saying

0:23:380:23:40

the potential prize winner simply became too heavy and caved in.

0:23:400:23:43

Glaze responded, "Caved in, my arse. It had a bloody boot-print on it."

0:23:430:23:48

That's amazing!

0:23:500:23:51

How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations

0:23:510:23:55

-of poisoning and kicking in other people's pumpkins?

-He admitted it.

0:23:550:23:59

When asked how he ensures he grows the biggest pumpkins,

0:23:590:24:02

he said, "You can't beat a pair of steel-capped boots and a bottle of poison."

0:24:020:24:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:060:24:09

It would be a great episode of Lewis.

0:24:110:24:13

Barry was understandably pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin-growing success. He said...

0:24:130:24:18

That is amazing!

0:24:300:24:32

We are laughing at this man's tragedy!

0:24:320:24:34

Time for the missing words round,

0:24:360:24:38

which this week features as its guest publication BarCode News.

0:24:380:24:42

If you're wondering how much it costs...BEEP £1.99.

0:24:430:24:47

And we start with...

0:24:470:24:48

Not as nice as they sound!

0:24:520:24:53

Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.

0:24:540:24:56

The answer is...

0:24:580:25:01

This is Wendy from Nashville

0:25:010:25:03

who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chickenpox

0:25:030:25:06

to parents who want their child to contract the virus at an early age.

0:25:060:25:10

-In the old days, when I was little, if a kid...

-This was before horses?

0:25:100:25:14

Yeah. If a kid down the road got German measles,

0:25:140:25:17

all the kids went and had a German measles party,

0:25:170:25:20

you hung out with the kid, you got your German measles and got it over and done with.

0:25:200:25:24

They have stopped that practice. The health and safety people say that

0:25:240:25:28

passing on infectious diseases isn't good.

0:25:280:25:32

They've ruined leprosy!

0:25:320:25:34

Those leprosy sleepovers were the best thing...

0:25:350:25:38

Next.

0:25:380:25:40

Orgy.

0:25:430:25:46

Total indifference.

0:25:460:25:48

The answer is:

0:25:500:25:53

Next.

0:25:550:25:57

They've got tiny little legs!

0:26:020:26:04

The stripeiness.

0:26:040:26:06

It doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes

0:26:100:26:12

because, over the years,

0:26:120:26:14

I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one!

0:26:140:26:17

AUDIENCE: Awww.

0:26:170:26:18

Shall we start a collection?

0:26:200:26:22

The pity is worse!

0:26:230:26:25

Next.

0:26:250:26:26

Give me Phil Collins' phone number?

0:26:300:26:32

It is a list of strange requests that people have...

0:26:320:26:35

They phone up about the wind or something.

0:26:350:26:37

I thought it was David ringing up and asking if he knew any friends.

0:26:370:26:41

Reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service

0:26:420:26:46

in the hope of befriending...

0:26:460:26:48

I'm still working my way through the Department of the Environment.

0:26:490:26:52

Give them a ring at agriculture, they're good fun.

0:26:540:26:57

This is just one of the odd requests

0:26:580:27:01

made to British Consular staff abroad.

0:27:010:27:03

For our younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,

0:27:030:27:06

you lucky buggers.

0:27:060:27:07

Next.

0:27:070:27:10

With your eyes?

0:27:130:27:15

Is it for dogs, is it a BarkCode?

0:27:150:27:16

-You deserve more.

-No, he got what he deserved.

0:27:190:27:22

I'm going for the meal-for-one sympathy.

0:27:240:27:28

-You are absolutely right, it is BarkCode.

-YES!

0:27:280:27:31

This is the company that produces the BarkCode for pets

0:27:340:27:38

that enables them to be traced.

0:27:380:27:40

The company involved donates a proportion of its profits

0:27:400:27:44

towards no-kill pet charities.

0:27:440:27:46

Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities

0:27:460:27:48

that are always stopping you for money in the streets.

0:27:480:27:52

So the final scores are... Ian and Roisin have four points.

0:27:520:27:55

But Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with nine.

0:27:550:27:58

I leave you with news that, at the G20, not everyone is aware

0:28:040:28:08

that Argentina's president Christina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.

0:28:080:28:12

During a break at the G20, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.

0:28:160:28:20

And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.

0:28:230:28:28

Good night.

0:28:310:28:32

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