Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.

In the news this week, at Heathrow,

Theresa May's new stricter border controls policy is put into action.

Authorities in Liverpool hail this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.

And at a UN charity auction, bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.

With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24-hour Panel People,

where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time

to help David Walliams's career.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE

With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.

He's in America doing The X Factor, isn't he?

Please welcome Andy Hamilton.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

ANDY: what's he doing?

That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.

This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.

-Isn't it?

-Yeah.

-It's a sad day for people like us.

-Yes, indeed.

Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not cos of the other stuff, but because

Italy is massively in debt, and that will only be the debts that Silvio's

-told them about, because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.

-No.

You say he doesn't put much in writing,

but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?

A note he'd written to himself.

He wrote the word "traitors" during the vote.

Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament.

ROISIN: He put down the number of traitors, eight traitors,

so he knew how many horses heads to order.

I think it's a bit unfair. A lot of people have been saying the Italian people are to blame

for voting for Berlusconi,

-but it's not like you could tell what he's like just from looking at him.

-No.

-Imagine if you went to buy something...

-Yeah.

-..And a salesman walked through the door

towards you, looking like Berlusconi, you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?

What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?

ANDY: Falling asleep?

-Yes, that's right.

-That was one of them.

Falling asleep was another of them, as well, cos he fell asleep twice.

And he wasn't embarrassed, that's what's so extraordinary.

His officials are like, "Wake up, wake up!"

He didn't care.

He's not embarrassed by anything, is he? That's his secret, surely.

Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,

he was impersonating a disabled person. ROISIN GASPS

Well, that's someone who is not easily embarrassed, isn't it?

It's his Ricky Gervais act.

In our country we've taken the decision NOT to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

It's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,

and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,

Germany, France and Italy.

Oh, great!

Italy is going to bail itself out.

Everyone knows if you've got a three-legged stool,

it can do perfectly fine with just two of the legs.

And Berlusconi is still, even though he will soon not be Prime Minister,

he's going to be a busy man, I think.

Because he's still facing three court cases, do you know what for?

Corruption, fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.

But he had immunity, he passed a law saying that you can't

prosecute the Prime Minister for anything.

And then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.

In the past he's only actually been tried for tax fraud. And embezzlement.

And attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team.

And false accounting, and illegally financing a political party.

And corrupting a judge. Who among us, hasn't done all that?

-So shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?

-Yes.

-Go on, then.

I'll give you the first half, and you try to finish them off,

as Berlusconi said to the actress!

"..Discovered that mine is a lesbian."

That's what he said!

"..Most persecuted."

That's absolutely right!

You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy

he might have thought of one other example.

He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."

"When I was elected all the other European leaders said,

'Jesus Christ'!"

And here's one from September this year.

"..So if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off!"

Apparently you stick that on your manifesto, you get elected in Italy.

Meanwhile, what has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?

I've got a whole load of things going through my head, but...

-She's giving them a tax cut worth £5 billion.

-IAN EXCLAIMS

How can she afford to do that?

Cos they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.

Yes, basically. the German Government has discovered it's going to get

£14 billion more in tax this year than it expected,

and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.

Which is great news. Good for them. Lucky, lucky old Germans.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer country!

APPLAUSE

While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling, of course.

Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Anyone see this?

It was a bit aggressive. Even by Paxo standards.

-He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...

-Yeah, been preying on his mind.

-..and he just really went for the bloke.

-Let rip.

Here he is, talking to a Greek man.

-This isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union...

-I'm not saying it is.

..It is the fault of the Greeks.

Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?

I mean the paradox there is, if they're really dishonest,

he's not going to give an honest answer, is he?

Which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?

FIFA, basically there's a story about whether the England team

would be allowed to wear the poppy in their friendly match against Spain on Saturday, I think.

Now they've decided they can wear them on an armband.

And it was going to be a big problem, FIFA saying you can't do it,

but then, traditionally, we solved the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung,

So now we're allowed to wear poppies. Which is great. It was a good solution.

The lawyer's not going to put that in for a minute!

The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now,

he nips out to the machine, so you should be all right!

James Murdoch's a liar. There, I got that in.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to stick up for FIFA, now. On this particular story,

I think FIFA were right.

Because, although to us it's just a symbol of remembrance,

I think to the outside world it probably does look like a political symbol,

and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.

It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it?

FIFA's argument was that if England people are allowed to wear poppies,

then the Iranian team will be allowed to wear a bomb...

..as a symbol of resurgent nationalism, and why not?

Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or do you mean a little graphic with the word "bomb" written on it?

I don't know how far their technology has advanced!

It'd play havoc with the offside law.

I don't understand why... You wear poppies, yes, on a coat or in the street,

I don't understand why you have to wear them playing football.

I don't think all activities you have to wear a poppy.

I was watching ITV news the other night,

and the weather forecast lady had a poppy the size of the dustbin lid!

She cares more than other people.

Personally I think it's very disrespectful they don't play DRESSED as poppies.

Meanwhile Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.

They were overheard, weren't they?

Somebody realised, they were having a chat near a microphone, it happened to be an open mic.

It was terrific!

-Yes, it was good.

-Sarkozy said:

It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.

Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?

This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down, but not immediately.

Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.

Still, could be worse, could be in lira!

Also this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.

It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.

Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

That's Theresa May. Talking about border controls.

"Shall we let this one in?"

"No! Keep him out, he's very dangerous."

Oh, that's people from the 1950s, they're allowed into Britain again.

This is a bit of a row about our borders.

-And it appears...

-It sounds like you're a headmaster of a public school.

Some of the boarders have been drinking after lights out,

and I think some of the day boys have probably brought it in.

Should never have had day boys at all.

You exploring your hinterland?

You dirty devil.

I could go on for hours.

There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls,

or, she didn't do it but they were relaxed, and a whole load of people came in totally unchecked.

Which is amazing, cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you thought, it cannot go any slower.

But apparently they tried to speed it up,

no terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.

Obviously this was quite embarrassing,

she blamed her civil servant, the man running the borders agency,

she said it's his fault, he said it's not my fault,

and I'm going to take you to an industrial tribunal.

At the moment she's still got a job.

It's basically good intentions.

They paid £5.6 billion for these biometric passports,

where they photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff,

they invented all this technology to stop terrorism, billions of pounds,

and then basically what brought it down was,

"Oh, there's a queue, let 'em in. Let 'em in."

Certainly the terrorist queue at Heathrow, hundreds of people there.

You'd have to wave them through, otherwise they'd still be there now.

I always presumed when you see those queues,

the length of those queues in immigration,

I always presume that was part of the citizenship test.

-Can you queue patiently?

-For hours.

-Are you cut out for life in Britain?

There was a headline on one of the newspapers,

when Brodie what's-his-face complained.

I don't think he's called Brodie what's-his-face.

It'd be an amusing name for man in charge of passports.

Brodie Clark is his name,

and he emphatically denies he was bothered about cutting waiting times at passport control.

He said:

Yes, well done, Brodie!

And why is none of this a big deal?

She's not going to resign, as far as we know.

And his tribunal we haven't yet, so we don't know what's happening.

The other reason this is arguably not a big deal, is that in general,

terrorists don't try to wander past passport control,

and we've got plenty of terrorists of our own.

You know, the 7/7? British terrorists.

IRA? British terrorists.

I mean, they might not SEE themselves as British, but...

What's the really bad news for Theresa May?

She discovered her husband's a robot?

She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?

-No.

-It'd be terrible if you found out your husband was a robot, wouldn't it?

-It would.

If had you access to the controls, it wouldn't be bad.

If you had, you know, you could get rid of some of the faults.

"40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."

Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot...

-Even worse than that?

-..According to a spokesman,

Staying with laxity and sloppiness,

what has been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?

-Oh, yes!

-PAUL CHUCKLES

I think it was 16 prostitutes, a sack of marijuana,

several bottles of vodka, a hundred chickens, I think,

certainly, and a couple of pet pheasants.

You are incredibly close?

I had to smuggle it all in one weekend.

The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.

In the end, I disguised some of them as chickens.

In fact, 19 prostitutes, 3 got in without your help.

You can never trust them.

There can't be a hundred of them - they don't get on.

A hundred of them together.

Must have had a hundred boxes. That's the only way you could do it.

It is like Deal Or No Deal.

Which box has a fighting cock in it?

There's a quiz show in that.

This is all found in one prison.

One prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail -

he was only sentenced to five.

This is the border control row threatening the Home Secretary.

Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.

In the end there was so many she waved some of them through.

At one point border staff were letting potential immigrants in

without even asking basic questions, such as, "Do you have a cat?"

Here is a bonus one for you.

Surveillance, the news that the Duke of Cambridge and Gary Lineker,

amongst others, have been tailed by private eyes.

Steve Davis has put on weight!

It looks like we can't afford colour in this country any more.

Surveillance, News International, News Of The World.

They spied on some lawyers that were representing some people who were?

The worrying thing was the News Of The World,

which is in trouble for hacking voice mails, decided the way to

counter that accusation was to put a private detective on to

the members of the parliamentary select committee, and the victims.

James Murdoch was in front of a committee,

and he had to start off explaining why he had done that.

Of course, he had no idea it was happening.

Tom Watson, the Labour MP, just went for it, and said,

"You're the Mafia. You're the first Mafia leader

"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."

This is in a select committee.

Everyone's going, "Really, that's very poor taste, Tom, ha-ha-ha!"

Someone is lying.

James Murdoch's evidence saying I didn't know anything

is exactly denied by the News Of The World lawyer, Tom Crone,

the editor of the News Of The World, Colin Myler,

and journalist Neville Thurlbeck.

They say he did know, they showed him the relevant thing.

He said they didn't.

How can one possibly tell, it is their word against his.

Make your mind up!

It is not that much like the Mafia.

The Mafia can keep their shit together.

This Derek Webb is like the Mafia, the private investigator,

the only reason he came out because they didn't pay him "loyalty" money.

That's very mafia.

Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.

Shadow's mainly are silent.

A noisy shadow? Every time the sun comes out. "Here we are again!"

Shut up!

That is a ridiculous list of people he was spying on.

As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.

How does he know so much about football?

He must have records at home!

There is no public interest, John Motson, I don't think,

is going to be involved in a sex scandal, even if he was,

we don't want to know about it, we would be too upset.

-It'd be Frank Bough all over again.

-I've never recovered from that.

Strange thing about Murdoch's evidence,

it was all done in the reasonable business speak,

with loads of words like "due process" and "proactivity".

What was the thing he said about mind?

It was to do with it wasn't a priority.

He kept saying, "It wasn't top of mind."

I've never heard. They asked him,

given that he believed that there was only one rotten egg,

and that was the royal reporter, why, when they told them they had

to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor, he didn't ask more questions,

that is when he said asking that question wasn't "top of mind".

So you are paying £700,000 to someone

he's never heard of, and you assume it is not a problem.

A very odd way for his brain to work, only thing top of mind works.

He needed to go to the lavatory, so it is not top of mind.

"Must pee." That goes away, and he has forgotten about the money.

Lunch is top of mind then.

It is totally understandable, he deserves our sympathy.

I don't know why you put him in charge of a large organisation,

because he's a moron.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Who else was followed by the News Of The World?

-Ian.

-Ian wasn't followed?

I would follow you, Ian!

That makes me feel a lot better(!)

Surely you were followed by private detectives.

I was phone tapped by a private detective in the operation

-before this one.

-Who paid for this?

-The Daily Express.

Do they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?

LAUGHTER

It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.

True.

They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents as well, which was weird.

We know they had sex or he wouldn't exist!

Maybe they ARE wizards.

Fingers crossed.

While the front page of the Sun

was filled with the usual X Factor drivel, behind the scenes,

there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was it?

-One of them was arrested.

-Yes. Until now it's just been people

who worked for the defunct News Of The World who've been arrested.

What did James Murdoch say?

-He apologised.

-Oh, he knew about it this time, did he?

He just apologised that it had happened at all.

And he said, "If this is true, I'm going to close down the Sun."

And then outside, the church bells were ringing.

Pensioners dancing in the streets.

# Ding dong the witch is dead... #

Topless women weeping!

Where will we go?

What was the reaction in the Sun's newsroom to the arrest?

-Did they organise a secret Santa?

-To follow people around?

Climb down chimneys, take photographs.

Only really effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.

One of The Sun journalists told the Independent,

"They have opened up Pandora's box."

That's a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.

Another said, "People felt like they were watching the end of The Sun."

Or dusk. As it is commonly known.

Maybe they could relaunch it as an evening paper?

-The Daily Moon.

-The Daily Moon!

Big pair of buttocks on the mast...

Yes, the News Of The World may be dead,

but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.

The News Of The World paid a private investigator

to carry out surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer Mark Lewis

which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis and his teenage daughter

as they visited a branch of Tesco.

If you're looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.

Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World

was former Lib-Dem leader Charles Kennedy.

That's a tough pub crawl, even for a...

And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is an unfortunate by-product of malaria.

LAUGHTER

No, this is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,

he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin.

They only discovered it when they cut it open and a sealion fell out.

This year, he's entered the competition again

and he's won fair and square.

This is champion pumpkin grower, Barry Truss.

Wow. Look at that size of that.

And look at his pumpkin.

That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.

The world of vegetable growing is a pretty seedy one. Barry has form...

AUDIENCE GROANS

I actually read that out without even noticing.

Literally, it wasn't top of mind!

He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.

His biggest rival, Pete Glaze,

claimed Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.

Truss defended himself saying

the potential prize winner simply became too heavy and caved in.

Glaze responded, "Caved in, my arse. It had a bloody boot-print on it."

That's amazing!

How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations

-of poisoning and kicking in other people's pumpkins?

-He admitted it.

When asked how he ensures he grows the biggest pumpkins,

he said, "You can't beat a pair of steel-capped boots and a bottle of poison."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It would be a great episode of Lewis.

Barry was understandably pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin-growing success. He said...

That is amazing!

We are laughing at this man's tragedy!

Time for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication BarCode News.

If you're wondering how much it costs...BEEP £1.99.

And we start with...

Not as nice as they sound!

Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.

The answer is...

This is Wendy from Nashville

who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chickenpox

to parents who want their child to contract the virus at an early age.

-In the old days, when I was little, if a kid...

-This was before horses?

Yeah. If a kid down the road got German measles,

all the kids went and had a German measles party,

you hung out with the kid, you got your German measles and got it over and done with.

They have stopped that practice. The health and safety people say that

passing on infectious diseases isn't good.

They've ruined leprosy!

Those leprosy sleepovers were the best thing...

Next.

Orgy.

Total indifference.

The answer is:

Next.

They've got tiny little legs!

The stripeiness.

It doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes

because, over the years,

I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one!

AUDIENCE: Awww.

Shall we start a collection?

The pity is worse!

Next.

Give me Phil Collins' phone number?

It is a list of strange requests that people have...

They phone up about the wind or something.

I thought it was David ringing up and asking if he knew any friends.

Reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service

in the hope of befriending...

I'm still working my way through the Department of the Environment.

Give them a ring at agriculture, they're good fun.

This is just one of the odd requests

made to British Consular staff abroad.

For our younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,

you lucky buggers.

Next.

With your eyes?

Is it for dogs, is it a BarkCode?

-You deserve more.

-No, he got what he deserved.

I'm going for the meal-for-one sympathy.

-You are absolutely right, it is BarkCode.

-YES!

This is the company that produces the BarkCode for pets

that enables them to be traced.

The company involved donates a proportion of its profits

towards no-kill pet charities.

Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities

that are always stopping you for money in the streets.

So the final scores are... Ian and Roisin have four points.

But Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with nine.

I leave you with news that, at the G20, not everyone is aware

that Argentina's president Christina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.

During a break at the G20, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.

And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd