Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens. In

the news this week: At a meeting of the world's top economists, the

conclusion is that the only way out of the global financial crisis is

to make the younger generation pay for it. At the White House, life

comes full circle as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.

LAUGHTER And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

One jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's paycheck. With Ian is

a performer who in 2003 was nominated for Best Newcomer at the

Edinburgh Fringe alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.

Where's MacIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that? He's at the

Liverpool Arena playing to 11,000 people as part of a sell-out

national tour? Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp. APPLAUSE With

Paul is a stand-up comedian who was once described by the Times as

Hobbit-like. I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable

and not because she's got massive hairy feet. Please welcome Susan

Calman. APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Susan, take a look at this. Yes, this is the News International

story, the phone hacking, the Hugh Grant, there's the editor of the

News of the World doing some research. That's my twin sister.

Yeah. That's me. Clearly. That is somebody from 1892 and Steve Coogan

who was giving evidence as well. This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord

Leveson is looking into this. There were some grim stories about non-

celebrities and some other stories as well. The stuff keeps cascading

out. Yes, it was celebrities first, then the really grim stories, and

then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press, which

obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one. But eventually I

hope he gets round to the point that we have only got an inquiry

because a journalist actually discovered this story. No MPs, not

a policeman, not a judge, it was a journalist who uncovered it. I'm

hoping we won't throw out the entire baby with the bath water.

What do you think the solution could be? Obviously, if you start

regulating the press, then you have difficulties. As you say you never

would have found out about MPs' allowances. There are endless

solutions to this. The basic one is that we have laws and nobody obeyed

them. And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will

say, "I think journalists should probably obey the laws." I mean,

all these activities are illegal. And it would help if the police

enforced them. It probably would help if they weren't working for

the News of the World. So there is a problem there. If the

politicians' leaders are saying, you know, it is really important to

us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch because otherwise his papers won't

say "Vote Conservative" or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown", you don't

have a great incentive. I should just go and give my evidence

direct! I gather Lord Leveson is going to call the most important

witnesses next who are members of the public. A number of them

apparently bought the News of the World at some stage in the last 20

years. I hope he's going to ask them why. I mean, when you look at

the history of public hanging, it only stopped because it was so

immensely popular, they couldn't handle the crowds any more, not

because there was revulsion amongst the public - we don't want to see

people being hung. I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about

25 years ago and a fight broke out between two guys and it was

exciting - one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a

fight every time I went into the pub because it was exciting that

time. But that analogy would be that you go to the pub and it says

"Fight Tonight Inside, 25p" and then you would go every Sunday.

They wouldn't do that in a pub because you are not allowed to do

that. Are you not? No, you are not allowed to advertise fights in pub.

To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight! It is

like "happy hour" there! Just before the bingo, we have a wee bit

of a cagefight and then everyone has a Babysham and settles down. It

is lovely. You should come up some time, they would love you. I went

to Govan once. Did you? I was trying to make a documentary. I got

out of the car and a bloke came straight up and said to me, "You're

out of your depth here, pal!" Hugh Grant was indeed appearing

this week. He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from

the counsel to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say

to him? It was something along the lines of, "You spoke to me earlier

and promised me a few straight deliveries, but you're delivering

nothing but googlies." He said: That would be an invasion of

privacy on a pretty massive scale. Does anybody know what else we

learnt from Hugh this week? middle name is Mungo. Is it? Yeah.

Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it, I'm obsessed with

him! Is it the hair that does it? It is everything. I really enjoy

the work of our premier-like comic actor. As a huge fan of Hugh you

may know that the mother of his baby Tinglan Hong received a

threatening message from a reporter after Hugh Grant's appearance on

Question Time. Do you know what they said to him? "If he doesn't be

quiet, we are going to fund a sequel to Have You Heard About The

Morgans?" You really are a fan! "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the

(BLEEP) up." That is exactly what they said. Standards have slipped

at the Telegraph, haven't they? Whose good name has Hugh Grant

dragged into this inquiry? He made the scurrilous assertion that the

Daily Mail might have been involved in phone hacking which they refute

entirely, I understand. The Daily Mail utterly refute this. The Daily

Mail does not want to be associated in any way with phone hacking. The

last thing the Daily Mail wants is for its name to appear in the same

headline as a phone hacking scandal. OK. Has that cleared that up?

Dan's Downton Scandal! Also this week we heard from Steve Coogan.

Did anybody hear any of the methods the News of the World used to get

stories on him? They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty

underhand. Yes, it all seemed quite above board. Showbiz reporter and

casual friend of Coogan's Raj Singh rang him up to tell him the News of

the World had a kiss-and-tell story on him. If he confirmed some of the

less salacious details, the paper would keep the more lurid details

out of the paper. So then what happened? They didn't. They put

them all in. How did he describe the behaviour of the News of the

World? Disappointing. Excellent. described it as: A-ha! Coogan

claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.

What did he mean by that? A pact with the devil. Just because he is

a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life. Indeed. Most

tabloid reporters thought Faustian Pact was Manchester City's new

striker! Did anybody read anything about other cast members in the

phone-hacking scandal this week? Rebekah Wade, the former editor of

the News of the World and the Sun is having a baby. But it's through

a surrogate and she's asked for privacy. That's correct. She's

expecting a baby via a surrogate mother or as the Sun might have put

APPLAUSE This is the inquiry into newspaper standards. The Leveson

Inquiry heard evidence that on a number of occasions News of the

World journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins. In fact they

still do but nowadays they're scavenging for food. At the inquiry,

Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press had made inaccurate claims about

the size of her divorce settlement saying the coverage was "hurtful,

inaccurate and untrue". Coincidentally, also the motto of

the News of the World. Ian and Miles, take a look at this. That's

Ed Balls wiping away a tear. That is Eric Knowles - and I can't

remember the woman's name. That is the Health Secretary. Is he on

Antiques' Roadshow now? Northern Rock customer. There we are,

that's... Gaddafi! Oh no it isn't! The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a

human side. Yes. And he weeps. When he watches Ed Miliband in the House

of Commons, he just cries. He weeps when he's watching Antiques'

Roadshow. Of course. When I read about it, it said the bit he found

really extraordinary was when someone comes in and they found an

heirloom that is worth a huge amount of money. Then he remembered

he was meant to be a member of the Labour Party. And he said, "But

they think - oh it's worth more to me than all that money so I won't

sell it." And that's what makes him cry. He also weeps at The Sound of

Music. Again, it was interesting... The film or just any musical?

would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it? He weeps at the bit

where the Baroness is brought back to the house by the Admiral,

whatever he is, and the children perform the song. Why is that

emotional? It is incredibly moving. Maybe it is something in his

childhood, maybe it's a repressed memory. Something in his youthful

childhood?! He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...

apparently Nick Griffin cries when he watches The Sound of Music, that

is only because the Nazis lose at the end. We also found out that

Ed's favourite song to sing at karaoke parties is? It's My Party

And I'll Cry If I Want To! Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

It is close. Was it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere? It was: The other news

in that montage? Branson's taken over a failing bank. And Northern

Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over. Except not all

of it. He's taken over the bit that's called a good bank and he's

bought that but �21 billion of debt remains with the taxpayer. So a

good bargain for us(!) And he got it �400 million cheaper than we

paid for the good bit so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.

Yes, according to the Times, the Government is accepting in part

payment an "IOU" of �150 million. Since when did the Government start

accepting "IOUs"?! I might try it myself, I've had a decent year, but

you know how it is! Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern

Rock? No, I don't think he is. I reckon we are going to end up still

owning �21 billion worth of debt. I am bloody livid about it, Dan. Try

getting me off this topic! Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been

popping up everywhere this week. What's he been up to? There's a

scheme of putting screens by hospital beds and you're ill,

you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen. And I think he

says, "Your custom is very important to us. I'm sorry about

the delay in your operation, or treatment..." and then he plays

Vivaldi. At table tennis! Fantastic. He's done a video to be shown on

screens above the beds in hospitals. The problem is it is on a three-

minute loop and it is driving people bonkers. You can turn him

off, does anybody know how? If you pay, that is the thing. If you...

What? It's the hospital entertainment system and you have

to pay �5 get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.

And if you don't pay the �5, then you just get Andrew Lansley on a

loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming." Absolutely right. The

LAUGHTER As if they haven't suffered

Does anybody know what the message to patients says? Hurry up and die,

there's a queue? I am from another planet. I have access to your life-

support machine. LAUGHTER Hypnotic eyes? Yes. There is not much wrong

with you, you know. You could leave now! Get off the bed, jump out of

the window! What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?

the unemployed?! LAUGHTER Bring a quiche to work day? He's got the

smallest features on a human face since time began. Eric Pickles has

announced a scheme to set up a curry college. It's an ambitious

scheme but the Government's confident they can deliver, if you

are within a three-mile radius! At the college, chefs will learn all

the necessary skills from combining the perfect mix of spices to create

a mouth-watering balti to chucking some unnecessary salad into a warm

plastic bag. This was the Government selling of Northern Rock

to Virgin Money. After selling Northern Rock, George Osborne

described it as: "The best possible deal." What would constitute a

worst deal? George, can I interest you in some magic beans? NHS

patients have been complaining that hospital TVs are running a

patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop. This

has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out, "I can't

take it any more, switch the machine off!" APPLAUSE And so to

Round Two, the Cloche of News. Carson the Butler will lift the

cloche revealing an item relating to a news story of the week. Finger

on buzzers. Was this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog,

Benton? A dog was chasing deer and he was screaming, "Benton!" He's

not come forward. Some youth was filming it on his mobile and it's

got over one million hits on YouTube? That is the right answer.

Is that the right answer?! APPLAUSE Shall we have a look at internet

sensation, Benton? If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we

can't! Benton! Benton! Benton! Benton! BENTON! Oh Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE Following this, Benton went viral

and he and... Why? He and Jesus Christ... Why do people think

that's entertaining? Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the

background, some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions have watched

it? I'm in the wrong business. we know what the latest controversy

about Benton is? He's a gloov puppet! -- Glove puppet! His real

name is Fenton. No! How do you know this? It appears in newspapers.

Does anybody know what the Sun's headline was? Humanity Reaches

Bottom Of The Barrel? We are all doomed. The last person to leave

the planet tell Fenton! LAUGHTER Human Beings Duped To Watching Crap

on New Invention. It was, "Calm down deer!" The Sun ended the

report by saying: Do the good news is they have tracked down Benton

and his owner and the dog has been destroyed. Only joking, animal

lovers. That was the best bit! People are now selling T-shirts

with the picture of Benton. I have only bought three! Somebody was

filming it thinking, "I can't believe the stuff I'm getting

here!" In other animal news: Pigeon Takes Off From Roof! With no

apparent motive. This is all that is going to be less for the press

after this inquiry. Can anyone tell me what Gavin the world's most

sarcastic gorilla has been up to this week? LAUGHTER Did he shove a

banana up Barry Watson? Did he win a contest? Who judged him the most

sarcastic gorilla? Did hundreds of them turn up? Gavin lives in

Jerusalem Zoo. According to the LAUGHTER

This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer

in Richmond Park. The next time Benton's owner visited the park, he

left the dog a home and went on his bike. That was worth seeing!

APPLAUSE It's time for the Odd One Out Round. Ted Heath, Harry

Belafont terks, Larry the Downing Street cat -- Belafonte, Larry the

Downing Street cat and this. MUSIC Yes? That's the clip that wins us

the BAFTA! Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for

joining the BNP. I think I have had a tweet from the Downing Street cat

which, again, will pile upon the fact that people think I'm an

incredibly sad cat lady - and I am. I dress my cats up, in more than

that bow tie. You have to make an effort. How do you dress the cats

up? Well, it depends we have Fame Day. If you have gloves, you cut

the fingers off, they make leg warmers for Fame Day. Cats don't

have hips, so you have to make braces. Otherwise they will slide

off. There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling

off! LAUGHTER I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there,

certainly. Is it mice? It is something to do with sleep. Larry

the cat is meant to be in Downing Street to get mice. He is asleep

all the time. When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?

They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't, apart from

Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.

Weightless has beaten Coldplay and Enya to the title of world's most

relaxing song, but it is insufferably dull. Ted Heath dozed

off whilst talking to the Queen at his 80th birthday bash. How did the

Queen take this? She drew a cock on Harry Bellafonte discussed his new

book on an American chatshow. When they cut to the sat lied feed, he

appeared to be sleeping. Still, far worse things can happen when you

interview a veteran singer. The next day's guest was Cliff Richard

and he stayed wide-awake and spoke on a range of subjects! LAUGHTER

Larry the cat has been falling asleep during the day at Downton

Street when he should be... Downton Street?! APPLAUSE There's a serious

category confusion there! It is important, Dan, but it is not the

centre of Government(!) Larry has been falling asleep during the day

at Downing Street when he should be catching rats because he's been

staying up all night with his new girlfriend, Masie. David Cameron

was forced to take matters into his own hands in week. What did he do?

He caught a rat? Did he pick it up with his bare hands and... Like

Putin? That is how it works in Russia. Putin kills deer. Over here,

Cameron, "Oh it's a mouse!" Putin! Putin! Oh, Jesus Christ! Putin!

LAUGHTER According to the Telegraph, during a dinner with Cabinet

ministers, the Prime Minister threw a silver fork at a mouse seen

scurrying across the floor. He missed! He said, "It wasn't a

target, it was an aspiration!" LAUGHTER According to the Mail on

APPLAUSE That is what the Queen said to

Edward Heath? According to the Sun, Larry is too

tired to catch mice after spending most of his time with another cat

called Masie whose owner insists "they are just good friends" though

she has an official business card with "advisor to Larry" printed on.

Time for the Missing Words round. It features The Chap, a journal for

the modern gentleman. We start with:

One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus. Scarf and hotpants

combo. Geordie accent. Chest wig. It is tattoo just won't come off.

The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo that she

can't scrub off. One suggested remedy is to "rub it with

toothpaste" as if Charles' footman Bomb-making equipment and a healthy

disregard for the law. An etch tempered approach to life and a

winning -- an even tempered approach to life and a winning eye

They still talk of that night Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice and

I gave them my Widow Twankey. Finally:

Question Time. The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup and

market it alongside Eva Braun sauce. The final scores are Ian and Miles

have two, but Paul and Susan's are the winners with five. APPLAUSE

Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition. Snowman melts

and reveals hidden identity! LAUGHTER Sarge, we thought this

would be quicker than turning the place upside-down! LAUGHTER

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and

Miles Jupp and Paul Merton and Susan Calman. Organisers admit it

was a mistake to hold the women's 800 metres at the same time as the

shooting! LAUGHTER After his eye operation, the paparazzi catch