Episode 6 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 6

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Dan Stevens and guest panellists Susan Calman and Miles Jupp.


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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens. In

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the news this week: At a meeting of the world's top economists, the

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conclusion is that the only way out of the global financial crisis is

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to make the younger generation pay for it. At the White House, life

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comes full circle as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.

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LAUGHTER And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

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One jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's paycheck. With Ian is

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a performer who in 2003 was nominated for Best Newcomer at the

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Edinburgh Fringe alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.

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Where's MacIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that? He's at the

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Liverpool Arena playing to 11,000 people as part of a sell-out

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national tour? Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp. APPLAUSE With

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Paul is a stand-up comedian who was once described by the Times as

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Hobbit-like. I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable

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and not because she's got massive hairy feet. Please welcome Susan

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Calman. APPLAUSE And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Susan, take a look at this. Yes, this is the News International

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story, the phone hacking, the Hugh Grant, there's the editor of the

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News of the World doing some research. That's my twin sister.

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Yeah. That's me. Clearly. That is somebody from 1892 and Steve Coogan

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who was giving evidence as well. This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord

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Leveson is looking into this. There were some grim stories about non-

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celebrities and some other stories as well. The stuff keeps cascading

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out. Yes, it was celebrities first, then the really grim stories, and

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then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press, which

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obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one. But eventually I

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hope he gets round to the point that we have only got an inquiry

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because a journalist actually discovered this story. No MPs, not

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a policeman, not a judge, it was a journalist who uncovered it. I'm

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hoping we won't throw out the entire baby with the bath water.

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What do you think the solution could be? Obviously, if you start

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regulating the press, then you have difficulties. As you say you never

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would have found out about MPs' allowances. There are endless

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solutions to this. The basic one is that we have laws and nobody obeyed

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them. And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will

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say, "I think journalists should probably obey the laws." I mean,

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all these activities are illegal. And it would help if the police

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enforced them. It probably would help if they weren't working for

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the News of the World. So there is a problem there. If the

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politicians' leaders are saying, you know, it is really important to

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us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch because otherwise his papers won't

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say "Vote Conservative" or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown", you don't

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have a great incentive. I should just go and give my evidence

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direct! I gather Lord Leveson is going to call the most important

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witnesses next who are members of the public. A number of them

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apparently bought the News of the World at some stage in the last 20

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years. I hope he's going to ask them why. I mean, when you look at

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the history of public hanging, it only stopped because it was so

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immensely popular, they couldn't handle the crowds any more, not

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because there was revulsion amongst the public - we don't want to see

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people being hung. I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about

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25 years ago and a fight broke out between two guys and it was

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exciting - one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a

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fight every time I went into the pub because it was exciting that

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time. But that analogy would be that you go to the pub and it says

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"Fight Tonight Inside, 25p" and then you would go every Sunday.

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They wouldn't do that in a pub because you are not allowed to do

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that. Are you not? No, you are not allowed to advertise fights in pub.

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To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight! It is

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like "happy hour" there! Just before the bingo, we have a wee bit

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of a cagefight and then everyone has a Babysham and settles down. It

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is lovely. You should come up some time, they would love you. I went

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to Govan once. Did you? I was trying to make a documentary. I got

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out of the car and a bloke came straight up and said to me, "You're

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out of your depth here, pal!" Hugh Grant was indeed appearing

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this week. He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from

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the counsel to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say

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to him? It was something along the lines of, "You spoke to me earlier

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and promised me a few straight deliveries, but you're delivering

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nothing but googlies." He said: That would be an invasion of

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privacy on a pretty massive scale. Does anybody know what else we

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learnt from Hugh this week? middle name is Mungo. Is it? Yeah.

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Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it, I'm obsessed with

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him! Is it the hair that does it? It is everything. I really enjoy

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the work of our premier-like comic actor. As a huge fan of Hugh you

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may know that the mother of his baby Tinglan Hong received a

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threatening message from a reporter after Hugh Grant's appearance on

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Question Time. Do you know what they said to him? "If he doesn't be

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quiet, we are going to fund a sequel to Have You Heard About The

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Morgans?" You really are a fan! "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the

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(BLEEP) up." That is exactly what they said. Standards have slipped

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at the Telegraph, haven't they? Whose good name has Hugh Grant

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dragged into this inquiry? He made the scurrilous assertion that the

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Daily Mail might have been involved in phone hacking which they refute

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entirely, I understand. The Daily Mail utterly refute this. The Daily

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Mail does not want to be associated in any way with phone hacking. The

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last thing the Daily Mail wants is for its name to appear in the same

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headline as a phone hacking scandal. OK. Has that cleared that up?

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Dan's Downton Scandal! Also this week we heard from Steve Coogan.

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Did anybody hear any of the methods the News of the World used to get

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stories on him? They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty

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underhand. Yes, it all seemed quite above board. Showbiz reporter and

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casual friend of Coogan's Raj Singh rang him up to tell him the News of

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the World had a kiss-and-tell story on him. If he confirmed some of the

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less salacious details, the paper would keep the more lurid details

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out of the paper. So then what happened? They didn't. They put

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them all in. How did he describe the behaviour of the News of the

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World? Disappointing. Excellent. described it as: A-ha! Coogan

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claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.

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What did he mean by that? A pact with the devil. Just because he is

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a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life. Indeed. Most

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tabloid reporters thought Faustian Pact was Manchester City's new

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striker! Did anybody read anything about other cast members in the

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phone-hacking scandal this week? Rebekah Wade, the former editor of

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the News of the World and the Sun is having a baby. But it's through

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a surrogate and she's asked for privacy. That's correct. She's

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expecting a baby via a surrogate mother or as the Sun might have put

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APPLAUSE This is the inquiry into newspaper standards. The Leveson

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Inquiry heard evidence that on a number of occasions News of the

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World journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins. In fact they

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still do but nowadays they're scavenging for food. At the inquiry,

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Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press had made inaccurate claims about

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the size of her divorce settlement saying the coverage was "hurtful,

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inaccurate and untrue". Coincidentally, also the motto of

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the News of the World. Ian and Miles, take a look at this. That's

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Ed Balls wiping away a tear. That is Eric Knowles - and I can't

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remember the woman's name. That is the Health Secretary. Is he on

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Antiques' Roadshow now? Northern Rock customer. There we are,

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that's... Gaddafi! Oh no it isn't! The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a

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human side. Yes. And he weeps. When he watches Ed Miliband in the House

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of Commons, he just cries. He weeps when he's watching Antiques'

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Roadshow. Of course. When I read about it, it said the bit he found

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really extraordinary was when someone comes in and they found an

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heirloom that is worth a huge amount of money. Then he remembered

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he was meant to be a member of the Labour Party. And he said, "But

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they think - oh it's worth more to me than all that money so I won't

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sell it." And that's what makes him cry. He also weeps at The Sound of

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Music. Again, it was interesting... The film or just any musical?

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would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it? He weeps at the bit

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where the Baroness is brought back to the house by the Admiral,

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whatever he is, and the children perform the song. Why is that

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emotional? It is incredibly moving. Maybe it is something in his

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childhood, maybe it's a repressed memory. Something in his youthful

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childhood?! He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...

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apparently Nick Griffin cries when he watches The Sound of Music, that

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is only because the Nazis lose at the end. We also found out that

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Ed's favourite song to sing at karaoke parties is? It's My Party

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And I'll Cry If I Want To! Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

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It is close. Was it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere? It was: The other news

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in that montage? Branson's taken over a failing bank. And Northern

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Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over. Except not all

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of it. He's taken over the bit that's called a good bank and he's

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bought that but �21 billion of debt remains with the taxpayer. So a

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good bargain for us(!) And he got it �400 million cheaper than we

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paid for the good bit so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.

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Yes, according to the Times, the Government is accepting in part

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payment an "IOU" of �150 million. Since when did the Government start

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accepting "IOUs"?! I might try it myself, I've had a decent year, but

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you know how it is! Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern

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Rock? No, I don't think he is. I reckon we are going to end up still

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owning �21 billion worth of debt. I am bloody livid about it, Dan. Try

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getting me off this topic! Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been

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popping up everywhere this week. What's he been up to? There's a

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scheme of putting screens by hospital beds and you're ill,

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you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen. And I think he

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says, "Your custom is very important to us. I'm sorry about

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the delay in your operation, or treatment..." and then he plays

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Vivaldi. At table tennis! Fantastic. He's done a video to be shown on

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screens above the beds in hospitals. The problem is it is on a three-

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minute loop and it is driving people bonkers. You can turn him

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off, does anybody know how? If you pay, that is the thing. If you...

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What? It's the hospital entertainment system and you have

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to pay �5 get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.

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And if you don't pay the �5, then you just get Andrew Lansley on a

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loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming." Absolutely right. The

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LAUGHTER As if they haven't suffered

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Does anybody know what the message to patients says? Hurry up and die,

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there's a queue? I am from another planet. I have access to your life-

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support machine. LAUGHTER Hypnotic eyes? Yes. There is not much wrong

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with you, you know. You could leave now! Get off the bed, jump out of

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the window! What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?

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the unemployed?! LAUGHTER Bring a quiche to work day? He's got the

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smallest features on a human face since time began. Eric Pickles has

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announced a scheme to set up a curry college. It's an ambitious

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scheme but the Government's confident they can deliver, if you

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are within a three-mile radius! At the college, chefs will learn all

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the necessary skills from combining the perfect mix of spices to create

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a mouth-watering balti to chucking some unnecessary salad into a warm

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plastic bag. This was the Government selling of Northern Rock

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to Virgin Money. After selling Northern Rock, George Osborne

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described it as: "The best possible deal." What would constitute a

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worst deal? George, can I interest you in some magic beans? NHS

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patients have been complaining that hospital TVs are running a

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patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop. This

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has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out, "I can't

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take it any more, switch the machine off!" APPLAUSE And so to

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Round Two, the Cloche of News. Carson the Butler will lift the

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cloche revealing an item relating to a news story of the week. Finger

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on buzzers. Was this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog,

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Benton? A dog was chasing deer and he was screaming, "Benton!" He's

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not come forward. Some youth was filming it on his mobile and it's

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got over one million hits on YouTube? That is the right answer.

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Is that the right answer?! APPLAUSE Shall we have a look at internet

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sensation, Benton? If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we

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can't! Benton! Benton! Benton! Benton! BENTON! Oh Jesus Christ!

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APPLAUSE Following this, Benton went viral

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and he and... Why? He and Jesus Christ... Why do people think

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that's entertaining? Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the

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background, some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions have watched

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it? I'm in the wrong business. we know what the latest controversy

:18:04.:18:14.
:18:14.:18:16.

about Benton is? He's a gloov puppet! -- Glove puppet! His real

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name is Fenton. No! How do you know this? It appears in newspapers.

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Does anybody know what the Sun's headline was? Humanity Reaches

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Bottom Of The Barrel? We are all doomed. The last person to leave

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the planet tell Fenton! LAUGHTER Human Beings Duped To Watching Crap

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on New Invention. It was, "Calm down deer!" The Sun ended the

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report by saying: Do the good news is they have tracked down Benton

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and his owner and the dog has been destroyed. Only joking, animal

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lovers. That was the best bit! People are now selling T-shirts

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with the picture of Benton. I have only bought three! Somebody was

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filming it thinking, "I can't believe the stuff I'm getting

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here!" In other animal news: Pigeon Takes Off From Roof! With no

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apparent motive. This is all that is going to be less for the press

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after this inquiry. Can anyone tell me what Gavin the world's most

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sarcastic gorilla has been up to this week? LAUGHTER Did he shove a

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banana up Barry Watson? Did he win a contest? Who judged him the most

:20:06.:20:12.

sarcastic gorilla? Did hundreds of them turn up? Gavin lives in

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Jerusalem Zoo. According to the LAUGHTER

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This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer

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in Richmond Park. The next time Benton's owner visited the park, he

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:20:44.:20:48.

left the dog a home and went on his bike. That was worth seeing!

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APPLAUSE It's time for the Odd One Out Round. Ted Heath, Harry

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Belafont terks, Larry the Downing Street cat -- Belafonte, Larry the

:21:03.:21:13.
:21:13.:21:19.

Downing Street cat and this. MUSIC Yes? That's the clip that wins us

:21:19.:21:24.

the BAFTA! Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for

:21:24.:21:30.

joining the BNP. I think I have had a tweet from the Downing Street cat

:21:30.:21:36.

which, again, will pile upon the fact that people think I'm an

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incredibly sad cat lady - and I am. I dress my cats up, in more than

:21:40.:21:44.

that bow tie. You have to make an effort. How do you dress the cats

:21:44.:21:54.
:21:54.:21:55.

up? Well, it depends we have Fame Day. If you have gloves, you cut

:21:55.:22:00.

the fingers off, they make leg warmers for Fame Day. Cats don't

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have hips, so you have to make braces. Otherwise they will slide

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off. There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling

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off! LAUGHTER I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there,

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certainly. Is it mice? It is something to do with sleep. Larry

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the cat is meant to be in Downing Street to get mice. He is asleep

:22:24.:22:29.

all the time. When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?

:22:29.:22:33.

They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't, apart from

:22:33.:22:38.

Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.

:22:38.:22:44.

Weightless has beaten Coldplay and Enya to the title of world's most

:22:44.:22:50.

relaxing song, but it is insufferably dull. Ted Heath dozed

:22:50.:22:56.

off whilst talking to the Queen at his 80th birthday bash. How did the

:22:56.:23:06.
:23:06.:23:16.

Queen take this? She drew a cock on Harry Bellafonte discussed his new

:23:16.:23:19.

book on an American chatshow. When they cut to the sat lied feed, he

:23:19.:23:24.

appeared to be sleeping. Still, far worse things can happen when you

:23:24.:23:28.

interview a veteran singer. The next day's guest was Cliff Richard

:23:28.:23:32.

and he stayed wide-awake and spoke on a range of subjects! LAUGHTER

:23:33.:23:39.

Larry the cat has been falling asleep during the day at Downton

:23:39.:23:49.
:23:49.:23:49.

Street when he should be... Downton Street?! APPLAUSE There's a serious

:23:49.:23:56.

category confusion there! It is important, Dan, but it is not the

:23:56.:24:01.

centre of Government(!) Larry has been falling asleep during the day

:24:01.:24:04.

at Downing Street when he should be catching rats because he's been

:24:04.:24:08.

staying up all night with his new girlfriend, Masie. David Cameron

:24:08.:24:13.

was forced to take matters into his own hands in week. What did he do?

:24:13.:24:19.

He caught a rat? Did he pick it up with his bare hands and... Like

:24:19.:24:24.

Putin? That is how it works in Russia. Putin kills deer. Over here,

:24:24.:24:32.

Cameron, "Oh it's a mouse!" Putin! Putin! Oh, Jesus Christ! Putin!

:24:32.:24:40.

LAUGHTER According to the Telegraph, during a dinner with Cabinet

:24:40.:24:43.

ministers, the Prime Minister threw a silver fork at a mouse seen

:24:43.:24:49.

scurrying across the floor. He missed! He said, "It wasn't a

:24:49.:24:55.

target, it was an aspiration!" LAUGHTER According to the Mail on

:24:55.:25:05.
:25:05.:25:09.

APPLAUSE That is what the Queen said to

:25:09.:25:17.

Edward Heath? According to the Sun, Larry is too

:25:17.:25:21.

tired to catch mice after spending most of his time with another cat

:25:21.:25:26.

called Masie whose owner insists "they are just good friends" though

:25:26.:25:31.

she has an official business card with "advisor to Larry" printed on.

:25:31.:25:38.

Time for the Missing Words round. It features The Chap, a journal for

:25:38.:25:44.

the modern gentleman. We start with:

:25:44.:25:54.

One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus. Scarf and hotpants

:25:54.:26:04.

combo. Geordie accent. Chest wig. It is tattoo just won't come off.

:26:04.:26:08.

The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo that she

:26:08.:26:12.

can't scrub off. One suggested remedy is to "rub it with

:26:12.:26:22.
:26:22.:26:23.

toothpaste" as if Charles' footman Bomb-making equipment and a healthy

:26:23.:26:28.

disregard for the law. An etch tempered approach to life and a

:26:28.:26:32.

winning -- an even tempered approach to life and a winning eye

:26:32.:26:42.
:26:42.:26:48.

They still talk of that night Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice and

:26:48.:26:58.
:26:58.:27:09.

I gave them my Widow Twankey. Finally:

:27:09.:27:15.

Question Time. The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup and

:27:15.:27:20.

market it alongside Eva Braun sauce. The final scores are Ian and Miles

:27:20.:27:28.

have two, but Paul and Susan's are the winners with five. APPLAUSE

:27:28.:27:34.

Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition. Snowman melts

:27:34.:27:40.

and reveals hidden identity! LAUGHTER Sarge, we thought this

:27:40.:27:47.

would be quicker than turning the place upside-down! LAUGHTER

:27:47.:27:54.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and

:27:54.:27:59.

Miles Jupp and Paul Merton and Susan Calman. Organisers admit it

:27:59.:28:05.

was a mistake to hold the women's 800 metres at the same time as the

:28:05.:28:11.

shooting! LAUGHTER After his eye operation, the paparazzi catch

:28:11.:28:21.
:28:21.:28:22.