Episode 7 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 7

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Kirsty Young and guest panellists Gyles Brandreth and Marcus Brigstocke.


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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am Kirsty Young.

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In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before

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recording the show, Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and

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has second thoughts. At the Annual Professional Tennis Players Dinner,

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one player finds out he has to sit And at Kensington Palace, the Queen

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vividly recreate the moment when the Archbishop of Canterbury

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tripped over a Corky. -- a corgi. On Ian's team, an ex Conservative

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MP who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain to be beheaded

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for treason, and his father was the first man in England to play

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Monopoly. Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.

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Factually accurate. On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to

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the Telegraph that the thing that irritates him the most is people

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who are not curious. There is probably a good reason for that but

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I can't be bothered to ask. Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke. We start

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with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.

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Autumn! Look! Wright, the strike. Education policy at its height. The

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apostrophe is wrong. We have gone back to the 1930s. They are not

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trying to get another job in the Tory party. No, but it is almost

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compulsory to be gay in the Conservative Party. It is no longer

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the party with its back against the wall. This has got weird quicker

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then you said. You said it would get weird, but you reckon half way

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through. We have barely started. They are undeniably good-looking,

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aren't they? Yes, Gyles, they are lovely. I know your standards are

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quite high, but I think they are attractive young men. White Gyles,

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shall we focus? This is the strike of the week. Depending on which

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paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.

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According to the Guardian... Over 50 million people turned up.

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aroused strong passions on either side of the argument. There was

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time for some gentlemanly behaviour. This was an ITN reporter doing a

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piece to camera, obviously. She had asked everyone behind her to agree

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to keep the noise down. Tensions between the unions and Government

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have been heightened following yesterday's decision by the

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Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%. That was described in

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the Daily Mail as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the

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death of eight police officers. Here is another picture that proves

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the point. Look at these disgusting anarchists. That is a proper

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British strike! Who has been less than polite about the strikers?

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Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this. He said they should

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all be taken out and shot in front of their families. Although he did

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say some other things before that, but they were not much nicer. He

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was keen on the idea of the strikes because it meant he could drive

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faster through London. The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson

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appeared on the One Show on Wednesday. Just so that you can

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form your own opinion, here is what he actually said in context.

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Do you think the strikes would be a good idea? Fantastic. London has

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just been empty today. Everybody stayed at home, you could was about,

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restaurants were empty. The traffic has been good. We have to balance

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it, because this is the BBC. Frankly, I would have them more

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shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their

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families. How dare they go on strike. He was balancing it, saying

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there are two sides to every story. Not quite two sides. One, I can

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drive fast, and on the other hand, I hate them as well. We saw the

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beautiful George Osborne, as you said. He gave his autumn statement

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this week. The Mirror on Wednesday took their usual thoughtful,

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That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that. It is

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weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics. I think

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everyone feels the same! The truth is, the one thing I could not stand

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about being an MP were my constituents. You may loth members

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of parliament, but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.

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other big headline this week was that despite everything it is going

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to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the

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Government thought, seven years, rather than five. Shall we hear

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what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to

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say. What we have been pointing out free while is that five years of

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spending cuts is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even

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more. Just add to the gloom, I don't know if you have been

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watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him signing off from Newsnight

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on Tuesday. That is all from Newsnight tonight and we will be

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back to depress you again tomorrow night. One of the measures the

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George Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks. It is

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going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail? 0.02 %.

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You are very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks is going to

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rise 10%. Technically, it went up to 0.088 %. It was a very depressed

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fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants, who said that the

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banks will again question the attractiveness of operating in the

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UK. They were all moved to Greece, presumably, or Italy, Spain, or any

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of the other burgeoning banking economies. -- they will all move.

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Wide and the public sector workers threaten to leave? It works for the

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bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go. Just have the

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nurses and teachers say, we will go. It would just be Jeremy Clarkson

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left going, this is brilliant! George Osborne delivered his autumn

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statement this week, according to the Office of budget responsibility

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bee forecasts. The worst year for the economy will be 2012. Just as

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well we are not hosting any massively expensive sports

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extravaganza. Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said,

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George Osborne is a Marmite politician. Some people love him,

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some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1. Paul and

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Marcus, look at this. This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks

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like Rupert Murdoch. There is Charlotte Church, who has turned up

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talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press. That is one of the

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few reporters to be interviewed. That is Andy Coulson and Rebekah

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Brooks. If we lip read them, we can find out what is going on. Alastair

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Campbell. That is basically what it is about. Charlotte Church, she was

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asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage. Do you want �100,000 or

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good coverage in the press? She said �100,000, because she was 13,

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but was advised to go for good coverage in the press. They printed

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a couple of stories about her and approaching her 16th birthday, the

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Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday when it was legal to

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have sex with her. Nice! I wonder how much Tony Blair was paid for

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being godfather at the christening. Is the Charlotte Church's

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Godfather? He is the godfather of murder's child. Yona he runs a

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baptism surface. BOP -- he runs a baptism service. It is 500 quid,

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plus expenses. I think she sang in the end. Cherie Blair? I would have

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paid �100,000 for that. Paul McMullen said the extraordinary

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thing that only paedophiles need privacy, because you if -- if you

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are demanding privacy must be up to something bad. Every time he opens

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his mouth, I think, that is it, the free press is finished. There is

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nothing he is embarrassed about. What did he say about phone

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hacking? He said phone hacking is a force for good. There have been

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examples where phones have been hacked and stories and the public

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interest have come out. Freedom of the press is immensely important in

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a democracy and it is hard to imagine how we would manage to vote

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if we did not know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.

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see some more of his gems to the committee. He said phone hacking

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brings to light stories which people want to keep hidden because

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no one needs privacy. In twenty-one years of invading people's privacy,

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I've never found anyone doing anything good. When it came to

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describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks, he described them as arch

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criminal and criminal in-Chief. And scum of the Earth. And when he was

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asked why, he said, for trying to drop me and my colleagues in it. He

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did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson not only knew

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about phone hacking but that indeed they ordered it. Rebekah Brooks and

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Andy Coulson deny this, as we know. You are adding that for balance.

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The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up. Until

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that point it was looking dire for the press. He said, people leak

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stories on the press room them. This is from the New Labour spin

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doctor. It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.

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also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop on Cherie Blair's

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for the baby was obtained through phone hacking. He would probably

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know because he used to work for them if he could ring up his mates.

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But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.

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Won his Piers Morgan being called to give a statement? I think they

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are going over to appear on his show. Charlotte Church said she was

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surprised to be asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,

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especially as it was a funeral song. Although presumably it had been

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requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng. JK Rowling told the inquiry

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she was horrified when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping a

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letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag. She knew it

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could not be from her daughter as it was badly written and full of

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spelling mistakes. Given that we have been talking about miserable

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celebrities, let's see some of them having a jolly old time.

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# Consider yourself Willian # Consider yourself part of the

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furniture # There isn't a lot to spare

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# Who cares? # Whatever we've got, we share

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# For after some consideration we can state

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# Consider yourself one of art's. # There goes the BBC's Christmas

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budget. There will be no programmes on Christmas Day, just that, on a

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loop, followed by an apology. some reason, Paul and I were not

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asked to be on that. I could not make it. Just me! I would have

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thought I was jolly enough. I would have joined in the fund. On top of

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the tree, you would look lovely. Why did we watch that? To cheer us

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So, to round two. Is that the This elaborately Photoshop image...

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The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool. The author has

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written the book, they Hitler as of Liverpool. It explores the theory

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that Hitler stayed in a flat with his married half-brother in 1912.

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According to the Daily Mail, he sent money over so that his sister

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good come and join him but Adolf Hitler took the money and travelled

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over instead. The more you hear about him... According to the Sun,

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Hitler also visited London and loved target. But eerie the way it

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just opened like that. Hitler was apparently a... Do you have a lot

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of Hitler jokes? Hitler was a regular in his local pub where he

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never caused any trouble. On one occasion, he downed a pipe -- pint

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rather quickly but he was only obeying last August. I like that!

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Fingers on buzzers. Sorry! I just acted because I heard the words of

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command. That Hitler is a funny look, isn't it?

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This is a woman being inflicted on the beach. It is the girl accused

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of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician. This

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found that she was not a Russian spy, just a Russian!. You're quite

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right. She used to go into the BBC canteen and say, the sausages are

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the calls for this time of year. think they thought she was a spy

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because she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic

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Party. Not very well informed them. What other reason could there

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possibly? For me in the Kremlin say, they're going to make Corderoy

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I just want to ring MI5! The show must not be going out this week,

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these are cardboard figures! That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a pub at

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from another show exhibition Mark this woman with the Lib Dem MP Mike

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Hancock. She had a thing for older men with not much power. I would

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have been drawn to her because looking at the picture, she looks a

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little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl. Those

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two men don't come as part of the package! She has been cleared by an

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immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial

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evidence? She kept a diary. Wouldn't that be your cover

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anywhere. I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it, that is

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what you were right. The tribunal concluded that their liaison was

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enduring and genuine. That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? Do you kinky

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is attractive? I am sorry I told you in confidence! What did we

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learn from her Derry that might have convinced the panel? We would

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and read other people's diaries but Ian Wood. She said in her diary

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Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a

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spy and simply formed general emotional relationship with older

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men. Adding, call me. Time now for the odd one out round. The winner

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of the Turner Art Prize, David Cameron, a football team and the CD

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of Benedict. The Turner award, I've never heard of that. It's maybe

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something about not being very good. The football team - they either win

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every match or lose every match. This is where I start running out

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of steam because it never heard of Benedict or David Cameron. Is it

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about failure? It might be. Benedict's send and thousands of

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CVs. Kaka and just trying to be encouraging. Patronising is good,

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too. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Prizes for being bad at stuff? He

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has the worst CV anyone has ever seen it so the odd one out is David

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Cameron. He has won a prize this week for G Q man of the year. He

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lost out to Ian Hislop, playmate of the ear! David Cameron is the odd

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one out because he has failed to live. They have all been described

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as the worst ever apart from David Cameron who is merely the worst

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politician in history since William Gladstone. He was caught on tape as

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a London party say it. What an invasion of privacy! He went on to

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The football team kicks from Cornwall have been described as the

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worst ever to grace a great British soil after losing all their matches.

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Their worst result was 55-0. Things got so bad for the team that the

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phrase, if you don't want to look at the score, look away now, became

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part of the manager's pep-talk. Last year's winner was a plate

:23:10.:23:15.

holding a large chilly and three small ones. It represented a very

:23:15.:23:23.

disappointing episode of master chef. Here it is. Keep what

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criteria do you think the turn up Prize entries are judged on?

:23:30.:23:36.

Cooking they must be pounds. They are based on the following Xscape

:23:36.:23:46.
:23:46.:23:56.

Let's come to benedict. The 28 year-old from Manchester has been

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accused of writing the world's worst CV because it is too honest.

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What experience does he have in the world of work? Absolutely none of

:24:06.:24:16.
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but keener to learn. Duties at His CV isn't all bad, he does

:24:29.:24:39.
:24:39.:25:03.

Time now for the missing words round in which this week features

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grass cuttings, the magazine of the British a long war museum. We start

:25:08.:25:18.
:25:18.:25:23.

with: You call it grass, I collet we'd, it's a generation thing.

:25:23.:25:33.
:25:33.:25:35.

collect Tomich two ways, I call it keeping it all my options open. Oh

:25:35.:25:41.

yes, I have met him, the people existed. He was with me for quite a

:25:41.:25:51.

time. It didn't work, then? He has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter

:25:51.:25:56.

deal with magic and are evil. Father Gabriel is the only Catholic

:25:56.:26:03.

priest who is still interested in Harry Potter films since the Starr

:26:03.:26:11.

has passed the age of 16. Is it, here is one for free in at your

:26:11.:26:17.

yoghurt. Somebody was the drink a yoghurt with some chance of fudge

:26:17.:26:27.
:26:27.:26:37.

but also at tooth. Was it somebody eating get from underneath? Whilst

:26:37.:26:41.

eating a pot of yoghurt, a lorry driver bit into a rotten tooth.

:26:41.:26:47.

Here it is. When he returned the offending pot to the local store,

:26:48.:26:53.

he was offered a refund of 68p but he would have got more money if he

:26:53.:27:03.
:27:03.:27:09.

had put it under his pillow! Oh no, it couldn't possibly be!

:27:09.:27:19.
:27:19.:27:36.

have ruled out circumcision? Yes, Is it a race? It suggests that

:27:36.:27:40.

there has been a spate of them. matter how dangerous and she might

:27:40.:27:44.

be, somewhere in the world there is always one man who wants to see

:27:44.:27:50.

what happens when he puts his penis in it. The final scores hour Ian

:27:50.:28:00.
:28:00.:28:02.

and Giles had six. Paul has 10. I leave you with news that as the

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Olympic Bus timetabling sub- committee meeting enters its 4th

:28:05.:28:13.

hour, one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.

:28:13.:28:17.

In Northampton, there's a mixed response as whether spring's start

:28:17.:28:24.