Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

Episode 7

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am Kirsty Young.


In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before


recording the show, Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and


has second thoughts. At the Annual Professional Tennis Players Dinner,


one player finds out he has to sit And at Kensington Palace, the Queen


vividly recreate the moment when the Archbishop of Canterbury


tripped over a Corky. -- a corgi. On Ian's team, an ex Conservative


MP who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain to be beheaded


for treason, and his father was the first man in England to play


Monopoly. Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.


Factually accurate. On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to


the Telegraph that the thing that irritates him the most is people


who are not curious. There is probably a good reason for that but


I can't be bothered to ask. Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke. We start


with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.


Autumn! Look! Wright, the strike. Education policy at its height. The


apostrophe is wrong. We have gone back to the 1930s. They are not


trying to get another job in the Tory party. No, but it is almost


compulsory to be gay in the Conservative Party. It is no longer


the party with its back against the wall. This has got weird quicker


then you said. You said it would get weird, but you reckon half way


through. We have barely started. They are undeniably good-looking,


aren't they? Yes, Gyles, they are lovely. I know your standards are


quite high, but I think they are attractive young men. White Gyles,


shall we focus? This is the strike of the week. Depending on which


paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.


According to the Guardian... Over 50 million people turned up.


aroused strong passions on either side of the argument. There was


time for some gentlemanly behaviour. This was an ITN reporter doing a


piece to camera, obviously. She had asked everyone behind her to agree


to keep the noise down. Tensions between the unions and Government


have been heightened following yesterday's decision by the


Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%. That was described in


the Daily Mail as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the


death of eight police officers. Here is another picture that proves


the point. Look at these disgusting anarchists. That is a proper


British strike! Who has been less than polite about the strikers?


Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this. He said they should


all be taken out and shot in front of their families. Although he did


say some other things before that, but they were not much nicer. He


was keen on the idea of the strikes because it meant he could drive


faster through London. The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson


appeared on the One Show on Wednesday. Just so that you can


form your own opinion, here is what he actually said in context.


Do you think the strikes would be a good idea? Fantastic. London has


just been empty today. Everybody stayed at home, you could was about,


restaurants were empty. The traffic has been good. We have to balance


it, because this is the BBC. Frankly, I would have them more


shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their


families. How dare they go on strike. He was balancing it, saying


there are two sides to every story. Not quite two sides. One, I can


drive fast, and on the other hand, I hate them as well. We saw the


beautiful George Osborne, as you said. He gave his autumn statement


this week. The Mirror on Wednesday took their usual thoughtful,


That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that. It is


weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics. I think


everyone feels the same! The truth is, the one thing I could not stand


about being an MP were my constituents. You may loth members


of parliament, but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.


other big headline this week was that despite everything it is going


to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the


Government thought, seven years, rather than five. Shall we hear


what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to


say. What we have been pointing out free while is that five years of


spending cuts is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even


more. Just add to the gloom, I don't know if you have been


watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him signing off from Newsnight


on Tuesday. That is all from Newsnight tonight and we will be


back to depress you again tomorrow night. One of the measures the


George Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks. It is


going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail? 0.02 %.


You are very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks is going to


rise 10%. Technically, it went up to 0.088 %. It was a very depressed


fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants, who said that the


banks will again question the attractiveness of operating in the


UK. They were all moved to Greece, presumably, or Italy, Spain, or any


of the other burgeoning banking economies. -- they will all move.


Wide and the public sector workers threaten to leave? It works for the


bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go. Just have the


nurses and teachers say, we will go. It would just be Jeremy Clarkson


left going, this is brilliant! George Osborne delivered his autumn


statement this week, according to the Office of budget responsibility


bee forecasts. The worst year for the economy will be 2012. Just as


well we are not hosting any massively expensive sports


extravaganza. Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said,


George Osborne is a Marmite politician. Some people love him,


some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1. Paul and


Marcus, look at this. This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks


like Rupert Murdoch. There is Charlotte Church, who has turned up


talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press. That is one of the


few reporters to be interviewed. That is Andy Coulson and Rebekah


Brooks. If we lip read them, we can find out what is going on. Alastair


Campbell. That is basically what it is about. Charlotte Church, she was


asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage. Do you want �100,000 or


good coverage in the press? She said �100,000, because she was 13,


but was advised to go for good coverage in the press. They printed


a couple of stories about her and approaching her 16th birthday, the


Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday when it was legal to


have sex with her. Nice! I wonder how much Tony Blair was paid for


being godfather at the christening. Is the Charlotte Church's


Godfather? He is the godfather of murder's child. Yona he runs a


baptism surface. BOP -- he runs a baptism service. It is 500 quid,


plus expenses. I think she sang in the end. Cherie Blair? I would have


paid �100,000 for that. Paul McMullen said the extraordinary


thing that only paedophiles need privacy, because you if -- if you


are demanding privacy must be up to something bad. Every time he opens


his mouth, I think, that is it, the free press is finished. There is


nothing he is embarrassed about. What did he say about phone


hacking? He said phone hacking is a force for good. There have been


examples where phones have been hacked and stories and the public


interest have come out. Freedom of the press is immensely important in


a democracy and it is hard to imagine how we would manage to vote


if we did not know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.


see some more of his gems to the committee. He said phone hacking


brings to light stories which people want to keep hidden because


no one needs privacy. In twenty-one years of invading people's privacy,


I've never found anyone doing anything good. When it came to


describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks, he described them as arch


criminal and criminal in-Chief. And scum of the Earth. And when he was


asked why, he said, for trying to drop me and my colleagues in it. He


did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson not only knew


about phone hacking but that indeed they ordered it. Rebekah Brooks and


Andy Coulson deny this, as we know. You are adding that for balance.


The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up. Until


that point it was looking dire for the press. He said, people leak


stories on the press room them. This is from the New Labour spin


doctor. It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.


also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop on Cherie Blair's


for the baby was obtained through phone hacking. He would probably


know because he used to work for them if he could ring up his mates.


But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.


Won his Piers Morgan being called to give a statement? I think they


are going over to appear on his show. Charlotte Church said she was


surprised to be asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,


especially as it was a funeral song. Although presumably it had been


requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng. JK Rowling told the inquiry


she was horrified when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping a


letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag. She knew it


could not be from her daughter as it was badly written and full of


spelling mistakes. Given that we have been talking about miserable


celebrities, let's see some of them having a jolly old time.


# Consider yourself Willian # Consider yourself part of the


furniture # There isn't a lot to spare


# Who cares? # Whatever we've got, we share


# For after some consideration we can state


# Consider yourself one of art's. # There goes the BBC's Christmas


budget. There will be no programmes on Christmas Day, just that, on a


loop, followed by an apology. some reason, Paul and I were not


asked to be on that. I could not make it. Just me! I would have


thought I was jolly enough. I would have joined in the fund. On top of


the tree, you would look lovely. Why did we watch that? To cheer us


So, to round two. Is that the This elaborately Photoshop image...


The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool. The author has


written the book, they Hitler as of Liverpool. It explores the theory


that Hitler stayed in a flat with his married half-brother in 1912.


According to the Daily Mail, he sent money over so that his sister


good come and join him but Adolf Hitler took the money and travelled


over instead. The more you hear about him... According to the Sun,


Hitler also visited London and loved target. But eerie the way it


just opened like that. Hitler was apparently a... Do you have a lot


of Hitler jokes? Hitler was a regular in his local pub where he


never caused any trouble. On one occasion, he downed a pipe -- pint


rather quickly but he was only obeying last August. I like that!


Fingers on buzzers. Sorry! I just acted because I heard the words of


command. That Hitler is a funny look, isn't it?


This is a woman being inflicted on the beach. It is the girl accused


of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician. This


found that she was not a Russian spy, just a Russian!. You're quite


right. She used to go into the BBC canteen and say, the sausages are


the calls for this time of year. think they thought she was a spy


because she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic


Party. Not very well informed them. What other reason could there


possibly? For me in the Kremlin say, they're going to make Corderoy


I just want to ring MI5! The show must not be going out this week,


these are cardboard figures! That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a pub at


from another show exhibition Mark this woman with the Lib Dem MP Mike


Hancock. She had a thing for older men with not much power. I would


have been drawn to her because looking at the picture, she looks a


little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl. Those


two men don't come as part of the package! She has been cleared by an


immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial


evidence? She kept a diary. Wouldn't that be your cover


anywhere. I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it, that is


what you were right. The tribunal concluded that their liaison was


enduring and genuine. That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? Do you kinky


is attractive? I am sorry I told you in confidence! What did we


learn from her Derry that might have convinced the panel? We would


and read other people's diaries but Ian Wood. She said in her diary


Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a


spy and simply formed general emotional relationship with older


men. Adding, call me. Time now for the odd one out round. The winner


of the Turner Art Prize, David Cameron, a football team and the CD


of Benedict. The Turner award, I've never heard of that. It's maybe


something about not being very good. The football team - they either win


every match or lose every match. This is where I start running out


of steam because it never heard of Benedict or David Cameron. Is it


about failure? It might be. Benedict's send and thousands of


CVs. Kaka and just trying to be encouraging. Patronising is good,


too. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Prizes for being bad at stuff? He


has the worst CV anyone has ever seen it so the odd one out is David


Cameron. He has won a prize this week for G Q man of the year. He


lost out to Ian Hislop, playmate of the ear! David Cameron is the odd


one out because he has failed to live. They have all been described


as the worst ever apart from David Cameron who is merely the worst


politician in history since William Gladstone. He was caught on tape as


a London party say it. What an invasion of privacy! He went on to


The football team kicks from Cornwall have been described as the


worst ever to grace a great British soil after losing all their matches.


Their worst result was 55-0. Things got so bad for the team that the


phrase, if you don't want to look at the score, look away now, became


part of the manager's pep-talk. Last year's winner was a plate


holding a large chilly and three small ones. It represented a very


disappointing episode of master chef. Here it is. Keep what


criteria do you think the turn up Prize entries are judged on?


Cooking they must be pounds. They are based on the following Xscape


Let's come to benedict. The 28 year-old from Manchester has been


accused of writing the world's worst CV because it is too honest.


What experience does he have in the world of work? Absolutely none of


but keener to learn. Duties at His CV isn't all bad, he does


Time now for the missing words round in which this week features


grass cuttings, the magazine of the British a long war museum. We start


with: You call it grass, I collet we'd, it's a generation thing.


collect Tomich two ways, I call it keeping it all my options open. Oh


yes, I have met him, the people existed. He was with me for quite a


time. It didn't work, then? He has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter


deal with magic and are evil. Father Gabriel is the only Catholic


priest who is still interested in Harry Potter films since the Starr


has passed the age of 16. Is it, here is one for free in at your


yoghurt. Somebody was the drink a yoghurt with some chance of fudge


but also at tooth. Was it somebody eating get from underneath? Whilst


eating a pot of yoghurt, a lorry driver bit into a rotten tooth.


Here it is. When he returned the offending pot to the local store,


he was offered a refund of 68p but he would have got more money if he


had put it under his pillow! Oh no, it couldn't possibly be!


have ruled out circumcision? Yes, Is it a race? It suggests that


there has been a spate of them. matter how dangerous and she might


be, somewhere in the world there is always one man who wants to see


what happens when he puts his penis in it. The final scores hour Ian


and Giles had six. Paul has 10. I leave you with news that as the


Olympic Bus timetabling sub- committee meeting enters its 4th


hour, one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.


In Northampton, there's a mixed response as whether spring's start


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