Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am Kirsty Young.

In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before

recording the show, Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and

has second thoughts. At the Annual Professional Tennis Players Dinner,

one player finds out he has to sit And at Kensington Palace, the Queen

vividly recreate the moment when the Archbishop of Canterbury

tripped over a Corky. -- a corgi. On Ian's team, an ex Conservative

MP who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain to be beheaded

for treason, and his father was the first man in England to play

Monopoly. Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.

Factually accurate. On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to

the Telegraph that the thing that irritates him the most is people

who are not curious. There is probably a good reason for that but

I can't be bothered to ask. Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke. We start

with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.

Autumn! Look! Wright, the strike. Education policy at its height. The

apostrophe is wrong. We have gone back to the 1930s. They are not

trying to get another job in the Tory party. No, but it is almost

compulsory to be gay in the Conservative Party. It is no longer

the party with its back against the wall. This has got weird quicker

then you said. You said it would get weird, but you reckon half way

through. We have barely started. They are undeniably good-looking,

aren't they? Yes, Gyles, they are lovely. I know your standards are

quite high, but I think they are attractive young men. White Gyles,

shall we focus? This is the strike of the week. Depending on which

paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.

According to the Guardian... Over 50 million people turned up.

aroused strong passions on either side of the argument. There was

time for some gentlemanly behaviour. This was an ITN reporter doing a

piece to camera, obviously. She had asked everyone behind her to agree

to keep the noise down. Tensions between the unions and Government

have been heightened following yesterday's decision by the

Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%. That was described in

the Daily Mail as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the

death of eight police officers. Here is another picture that proves

the point. Look at these disgusting anarchists. That is a proper

British strike! Who has been less than polite about the strikers?

Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this. He said they should

all be taken out and shot in front of their families. Although he did

say some other things before that, but they were not much nicer. He

was keen on the idea of the strikes because it meant he could drive

faster through London. The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson

appeared on the One Show on Wednesday. Just so that you can

form your own opinion, here is what he actually said in context.

Do you think the strikes would be a good idea? Fantastic. London has

just been empty today. Everybody stayed at home, you could was about,

restaurants were empty. The traffic has been good. We have to balance

it, because this is the BBC. Frankly, I would have them more

shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their

families. How dare they go on strike. He was balancing it, saying

there are two sides to every story. Not quite two sides. One, I can

drive fast, and on the other hand, I hate them as well. We saw the

beautiful George Osborne, as you said. He gave his autumn statement

this week. The Mirror on Wednesday took their usual thoughtful,

That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that. It is

weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics. I think

everyone feels the same! The truth is, the one thing I could not stand

about being an MP were my constituents. You may loth members

of parliament, but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.

other big headline this week was that despite everything it is going

to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the

Government thought, seven years, rather than five. Shall we hear

what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to

say. What we have been pointing out free while is that five years of

spending cuts is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even

more. Just add to the gloom, I don't know if you have been

watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him signing off from Newsnight

on Tuesday. That is all from Newsnight tonight and we will be

back to depress you again tomorrow night. One of the measures the

George Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks. It is

going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail? 0.02 %.

You are very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks is going to

rise 10%. Technically, it went up to 0.088 %. It was a very depressed

fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants, who said that the

banks will again question the attractiveness of operating in the

UK. They were all moved to Greece, presumably, or Italy, Spain, or any

of the other burgeoning banking economies. -- they will all move.

Wide and the public sector workers threaten to leave? It works for the

bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go. Just have the

nurses and teachers say, we will go. It would just be Jeremy Clarkson

left going, this is brilliant! George Osborne delivered his autumn

statement this week, according to the Office of budget responsibility

bee forecasts. The worst year for the economy will be 2012. Just as

well we are not hosting any massively expensive sports

extravaganza. Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said,

George Osborne is a Marmite politician. Some people love him,

some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1. Paul and

Marcus, look at this. This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks

like Rupert Murdoch. There is Charlotte Church, who has turned up

talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press. That is one of the

few reporters to be interviewed. That is Andy Coulson and Rebekah

Brooks. If we lip read them, we can find out what is going on. Alastair

Campbell. That is basically what it is about. Charlotte Church, she was

asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage. Do you want �100,000 or

good coverage in the press? She said �100,000, because she was 13,

but was advised to go for good coverage in the press. They printed

a couple of stories about her and approaching her 16th birthday, the

Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday when it was legal to

have sex with her. Nice! I wonder how much Tony Blair was paid for

being godfather at the christening. Is the Charlotte Church's

Godfather? He is the godfather of murder's child. Yona he runs a

baptism surface. BOP -- he runs a baptism service. It is 500 quid,

plus expenses. I think she sang in the end. Cherie Blair? I would have

paid �100,000 for that. Paul McMullen said the extraordinary

thing that only paedophiles need privacy, because you if -- if you

are demanding privacy must be up to something bad. Every time he opens

his mouth, I think, that is it, the free press is finished. There is

nothing he is embarrassed about. What did he say about phone

hacking? He said phone hacking is a force for good. There have been

examples where phones have been hacked and stories and the public

interest have come out. Freedom of the press is immensely important in

a democracy and it is hard to imagine how we would manage to vote

if we did not know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.

see some more of his gems to the committee. He said phone hacking

brings to light stories which people want to keep hidden because

no one needs privacy. In twenty-one years of invading people's privacy,

I've never found anyone doing anything good. When it came to

describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks, he described them as arch

criminal and criminal in-Chief. And scum of the Earth. And when he was

asked why, he said, for trying to drop me and my colleagues in it. He

did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson not only knew

about phone hacking but that indeed they ordered it. Rebekah Brooks and

Andy Coulson deny this, as we know. You are adding that for balance.

The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up. Until

that point it was looking dire for the press. He said, people leak

stories on the press room them. This is from the New Labour spin

doctor. It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.

also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop on Cherie Blair's

for the baby was obtained through phone hacking. He would probably

know because he used to work for them if he could ring up his mates.

But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.

Won his Piers Morgan being called to give a statement? I think they

are going over to appear on his show. Charlotte Church said she was

surprised to be asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,

especially as it was a funeral song. Although presumably it had been

requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng. JK Rowling told the inquiry

she was horrified when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping a

letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag. She knew it

could not be from her daughter as it was badly written and full of

spelling mistakes. Given that we have been talking about miserable

celebrities, let's see some of them having a jolly old time.

# Consider yourself Willian # Consider yourself part of the

furniture # There isn't a lot to spare

# Who cares? # Whatever we've got, we share

# For after some consideration we can state

# Consider yourself one of art's. # There goes the BBC's Christmas

budget. There will be no programmes on Christmas Day, just that, on a

loop, followed by an apology. some reason, Paul and I were not

asked to be on that. I could not make it. Just me! I would have

thought I was jolly enough. I would have joined in the fund. On top of

the tree, you would look lovely. Why did we watch that? To cheer us

So, to round two. Is that the This elaborately Photoshop image...

The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool. The author has

written the book, they Hitler as of Liverpool. It explores the theory

that Hitler stayed in a flat with his married half-brother in 1912.

According to the Daily Mail, he sent money over so that his sister

good come and join him but Adolf Hitler took the money and travelled

over instead. The more you hear about him... According to the Sun,

Hitler also visited London and loved target. But eerie the way it

just opened like that. Hitler was apparently a... Do you have a lot

of Hitler jokes? Hitler was a regular in his local pub where he

never caused any trouble. On one occasion, he downed a pipe -- pint

rather quickly but he was only obeying last August. I like that!

Fingers on buzzers. Sorry! I just acted because I heard the words of

command. That Hitler is a funny look, isn't it?

This is a woman being inflicted on the beach. It is the girl accused

of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician. This

found that she was not a Russian spy, just a Russian!. You're quite

right. She used to go into the BBC canteen and say, the sausages are

the calls for this time of year. think they thought she was a spy

because she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic

Party. Not very well informed them. What other reason could there

possibly? For me in the Kremlin say, they're going to make Corderoy

I just want to ring MI5! The show must not be going out this week,

these are cardboard figures! That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a pub at

from another show exhibition Mark this woman with the Lib Dem MP Mike

Hancock. She had a thing for older men with not much power. I would

have been drawn to her because looking at the picture, she looks a

little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl. Those

two men don't come as part of the package! She has been cleared by an

immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial

evidence? She kept a diary. Wouldn't that be your cover

anywhere. I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it, that is

what you were right. The tribunal concluded that their liaison was

enduring and genuine. That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? Do you kinky

is attractive? I am sorry I told you in confidence! What did we

learn from her Derry that might have convinced the panel? We would

and read other people's diaries but Ian Wood. She said in her diary

Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a

spy and simply formed general emotional relationship with older

men. Adding, call me. Time now for the odd one out round. The winner

of the Turner Art Prize, David Cameron, a football team and the CD

of Benedict. The Turner award, I've never heard of that. It's maybe

something about not being very good. The football team - they either win

every match or lose every match. This is where I start running out

of steam because it never heard of Benedict or David Cameron. Is it

about failure? It might be. Benedict's send and thousands of

CVs. Kaka and just trying to be encouraging. Patronising is good,

too. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Prizes for being bad at stuff? He

has the worst CV anyone has ever seen it so the odd one out is David

Cameron. He has won a prize this week for G Q man of the year. He

lost out to Ian Hislop, playmate of the ear! David Cameron is the odd

one out because he has failed to live. They have all been described

as the worst ever apart from David Cameron who is merely the worst

politician in history since William Gladstone. He was caught on tape as

a London party say it. What an invasion of privacy! He went on to

The football team kicks from Cornwall have been described as the

worst ever to grace a great British soil after losing all their matches.

Their worst result was 55-0. Things got so bad for the team that the

phrase, if you don't want to look at the score, look away now, became

part of the manager's pep-talk. Last year's winner was a plate

holding a large chilly and three small ones. It represented a very

disappointing episode of master chef. Here it is. Keep what

criteria do you think the turn up Prize entries are judged on?

Cooking they must be pounds. They are based on the following Xscape

Let's come to benedict. The 28 year-old from Manchester has been

accused of writing the world's worst CV because it is too honest.

What experience does he have in the world of work? Absolutely none of

but keener to learn. Duties at His CV isn't all bad, he does

Time now for the missing words round in which this week features

grass cuttings, the magazine of the British a long war museum. We start

with: You call it grass, I collet we'd, it's a generation thing.

collect Tomich two ways, I call it keeping it all my options open. Oh

yes, I have met him, the people existed. He was with me for quite a

time. It didn't work, then? He has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter

deal with magic and are evil. Father Gabriel is the only Catholic

priest who is still interested in Harry Potter films since the Starr

has passed the age of 16. Is it, here is one for free in at your

yoghurt. Somebody was the drink a yoghurt with some chance of fudge

but also at tooth. Was it somebody eating get from underneath? Whilst

eating a pot of yoghurt, a lorry driver bit into a rotten tooth.

Here it is. When he returned the offending pot to the local store,

he was offered a refund of 68p but he would have got more money if he

had put it under his pillow! Oh no, it couldn't possibly be!

have ruled out circumcision? Yes, Is it a race? It suggests that

there has been a spate of them. matter how dangerous and she might

be, somewhere in the world there is always one man who wants to see

what happens when he puts his penis in it. The final scores hour Ian

and Giles had six. Paul has 10. I leave you with news that as the

Olympic Bus timetabling sub- committee meeting enters its 4th

hour, one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.

In Northampton, there's a mixed response as whether spring's start