Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Miranda Hart.

In the news this week, at a clinic in Richmond

there was a unwelcome sight for Vince Cable

as a surgeon begins his haemorrhoidectomy...

We won't come in if you don't want us to!

..on holiday in the Bahamas,

it looks like John Prescott's weight loss programme

is beginning to work...

..and after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option

but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.

Time to get yourself a nice, warm woolly this year.

It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches

of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

With Ian is a Labour MP who loves computer games.

He spends hours indulging in virtual fantasy role-playing,

or as we know it, being in the Shadow Cabinet.

Please welcome Tom Watson.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

With Paul is an American stand-up recently described

as a six-foot tall, husky voiced sex icon.

I'm sorry, recently described BY a six-foot tall,

husky voiced sex icon.

Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Tom, take a look at this.

Now, that's a couple who love each other.

Oh, a couple who don't!

Oh, look, there's Meryl Streep - she's taking over again!

Ah, the British bulldog!

Anyway, this is a very exciting story.

It's the euro.

By the time this goes out Europe will have been saved...

..or not.

We don't know.

Erm, but apparently it's extraordinary,

they're going to rescue the euro.

The Tory party is in revolt, there could be a referendum,

-they could ask the public what we think about Europe...

-Woo!

..which is very dangerous. Thank you.

What's your position?

On the euro or on Europe?

-Both.

-Is Labour split on this too?

If the Tories are revolting...?

Generally, we're, yeah. I think we're keeping very quiet on it

-and waiting for David Cameron to save the day.

-Right.

You're waiting for Cameron to save the day?!

-Yeah.

-So, you're just going to do nothing

and then just hope they mess it up?

Well, I'm going to do nothing because I'm not a very good politician but... LAUGHTER

I'm sure, I'm sure Ed Miliband is... APPLAUSE

-I'm sure my leader's got a plan.

-I love that.

Refreshing candour.

The deputy chairman says, "I'm not a very good politician!"

Well, I've only got the job...

You know, Ed, he called me in and he said,

"You know, I'm going to make you vice-chairman of the Labour Party.

"You're going to join the shadow cabinet."

I said, "Is it because of my forensic examination of Rupert Murdoch?"

He said, "No, I just need someone who is more unpopular with The Sun."

They had it in for you for ages because you sued The Sun once.

They said, "We're going to get Tom Watson,"

then you asked rude questions about Rupert Murdoch.

-Yeah.

-And then you called him a Mafia don...

-Yeah.

-..which isn't nice, is it?

They were very upset about it and they send me a letter of complaint.

-Really?!

-Pinned to a horse's head.

According to The People newspaper last Sunday,

what are the Germans doing these days? Just in case.

Saving when were not?

They are actually printing new Deutschmarks,

to be on the safe side.

-Really?

-Yes. Better safe than sorry!

-REGINALD D HUNTER LAUGHS

I mean, the whole audience murmured, like, "Those dirty Germans!"

There has been recent history between our two countries.

But y'all ain't going to win the World Cup anyway!

And can I just say, erm, could I have my fee in cash, please?

That's my feet in cash, thanks.

What cash you want?

Euros? Deutschmark?

Pound's probably the safest.

South African rand?

That's probably better. Yeah, go for Rand.

Fee in rand.

I love this idea, they say if, erm, Europe goes ahead with this solution

then Britain's going to be left on the sidelines

while the middle collapses.

That would be awful,

we'd be left there watching everyone else collapse.

I hope that doesn't happen(!)

There's another summit on Friday.

What has David Cameron been saying

about any proposed changes to the European treaty?

He's been saying, "Tell us what you're going to do, Angela,

"and we'll do it."

You don't really like David Cameron very much, do you?

-He doesn't really like me.

-Really?

I keep putting in freedom of information requests

about the cost of his luxury Notting Hill kitchen

in Number Ten Downing Street.

Which is decent of you after the expenses row you are caught up in!

Yes, I'm very certain about that. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're fighting amongst themselves.

We're going to beat the hell out of them!

Ever since Hislop made that comment about all that money he stole

their confidence just went down.

You can smell it in the air.

-I didn't say stole, Reg, I said claimed.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-And it's all behind you.

Look at him begging for approval. It's too late, it's too late!

-You'll get none from over here.

-It's too late, baby!

Approval account is shut!

Ah, you should give us a point that!

-Yeah, no, no.

-But don't, but don't!

We can't get a point for pointing out that they're fighting amongst themselves.

We wouldn't get a point for that.

We need to get a point for answering the question right.

BUT if we got in their heads and intimidated them,

and then made them unravel before the game even really started,

surely we'd get half a point for that?

But then, but would there be any fun in winning over,

basically, what would be the remains of human detritus?

I'm American, I don't know anything.

I don't know any bad at all! APPLAUSE

A win's a win!

A win is a win!

I may just say this because in case they get a picture up

but you, Ian, you bear a remarkable resemblance to Archie Andrews

who was a ventriloquist's dummy in the 1950s.

Who used to wear a blazer just like that!

-APPLAUSE

-Peter Brough and Archie Andrews, bung it up halfway through the show

and if we don't know what it is I was wrong,

-if we do know what it is I was right.

-OK.

OK, I will take that in the spirit it's meant.

Just the blazer, mind you.

-That's exactly what you're going to do!

-Yes.

And finally, the first results

of the PM's much vaunted happiness survey have been published.

How happy do think are Britons, out of ten?

6.7...happy percent...

-Quite close.

-..out of ten.

7.4.

-So we're pretty happy.

-I would have expected something...

I mean, British people are fantastic it's just that...

they're not the most festive people.

Unless, you know, they drinking

or there's a band playing in a muddy field somewhere, or whatever.

You're all pretty reserved about the whole, you know,

emotion thing, period, man, you know?

In fact, I think self-loathing is a national sport.

MIRANDA SOBS

And I think people learn to self-loath so they can join in

and then they can be have a beer with other people who hate themselves.

Keep it light, Reg. OK.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah, 7.4.

-Might have gone down since then!

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Er, does anyone know any of the questions

they were asked in the survey?

"Are you happy?"

"Are you filled with self-loathing

"and therefore unable to enjoy yourself

"except in the company of other self-loathers?"

I mean, you're mocking what I said

but, you know, I was true, though, I was right.

The reason you brought it back up

is cos it hurt a little bit cos I was telling the truth.

"Would you smile at a sea lion playing trumpet?"

Was that one of the questions?

Here's one...

MIRANDA SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Would that one have hurt, Tom?

On, it would have been, it's quite a hard one to answer...

when you're a politician.

The self-loathing thing is working with you!

You've got something, I'm 7.4 on the self-loathing scale.

You see, you're politician, you got a hard job.

I want to be on your team.

Well, of course you do cos you know the man next to you don't like you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've been in the news this week.

-Have I?

-In connection with...

Yes, in connection with a phone hacking scandal.

-You are on the committee that investigates it, are you not?

-I am.

Yes.

Apparently you were followed for five days

by a News of the World private detective.

Tell me, what were you up to?

I was at the Labour Party Conference.

I was drinking a lot of beer, with trade unionists mainly,

and I rang my private investigator,

I obviously know him now, his name's Derek.

And I rang him up and said, "Hello, Derek, my name's Tom.

"You followed me at the Labour Party Conference,"

he said, "I remember you, Tom,"

he said, "You were out all night with those trade unionists drinking."

Are you friends now?

Well, he's very upset with Rupert Murdoch.

He said Rupert Murdoch didn't pay him enough money

when they closed the News of the World,

so I've actually spent most of the week

finding him an employment lawyer.

So, he is suing News International for breach of contract.

-You're helping out the bloke who spied on you for five days?

-Yeah.

I'm warming to you!

Derek, you should meet him, he's got a lot to talk about, Ian.

You could, er...

Derek.

Yes, so, this is the latest instalment of the Eurozone crisis.

One Tory MP asked David Cameron, during Question Time,

whether he would seize the chance to claw back power from Europe.

Cameron's reply was...

Which I believe is Boris Johnson for yes.

So, Paul and Reg, take a look at this.

All right. What you got?

This is pandas, pandas are arriving, er...

-In Scotland, as it suggested.

-Yeah.

These are the panda dolls that were being sold as souvenirs

for the pandas that are arriving.

Where's the pandas? There are the pandas. Oh, God, is this Edinburgh?

They're feeding the pandas.

Yeah, so, it's pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, in Scotland,

and as somebody pointed out this week,

there are now more pandas in Scotland than Tory MPs.

Yes, it's the arrival of the two pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.

Notoriously slow-moving and incommunicative,

with glum expressions and a poor diet,

the Scots were still pleased to see the pandas arrive!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They don't breed very well because they eat a lot of bamboo.

They're full of wood.

Like seeing a sexy woman but you can't cos you've eaten a sideboard.

It's like that.

Do you know they're putting them in two separate cages

because they only breed for four days a year...

Yeah, but it's a hell of a four days!

They're connecting these two things

with what they've called a love tunnel.

I don't think it's called that really, amongst...

biologists, but I know what you're saying. "A love tunnel," yeah.

-Love tunnel!

-Love tunnel.

According to the Mail...

Well, it's not the be all and end all, is it?

I would have thought that it would have been very difficult

for two VERY fat things to have sex.

Like, yeah, it's all right if one thing is very fat

and the other thing not so fat...

..then you could get an angle of trajectory...

That would, erm...please everyone.

Everyone?!

-Involved.

-Oh, I see! Right, yeah, yeah.

If you get the angle of trajectory then you will find your

"love tunnel," and then...

..but it's harder to do that when both creatures are very fat.

Yeah, it's hard to get purchase, if you will.

Yes, ma'am.

APPLAUSE

And these pandas cost £700,000 a year, or something.

That's a lot of, a lot of bamboo, so it's costing them a fortune.

Yeah, it was billed as a gift from China but it isn't.

-Oh, they came from China?

-Yeah.

You know, they say China is getting ready to take over the world.

And then China, they have rough human rights issues.

Where did they get off giving people panda bears?

You all better be careful, they might be some Trojan pandas.

I think that's exactly the point of giving these pandas.

They are importing huge amounts of Scottish fish suddenly.

Not Norwegian fish

cos the Norwegians raised objections to their human rights programme.

-So they don't get panda bears?

-They're buying Scottish fish

and everyone's got to shut up.

-So, they sent the panda bears to Scotland and a

-BLEEP

-you to Norway.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, it's costing £700,000 a year, which includes all their food.

Now, Tom, food.

Are you still allowed to claim it all on expenses?

Er, yes.

OK I, is it true you spent so much on food at M&S

that they gave you a free pizza wheel?

Er, sort of, you got that story slightly wrong

but I did get a pizza wheel, yes.

And it, obviously, because I'm a very fat man,

featured quite a lot in the newspapers

-during the expenses scandal.

-Actually, Tom, you're not very fat.

Like, if you got with somebody of equal fatness...

It's the angle of trajectory is what we... It's the angle of trajectory!

Er, can you imagine how delighted the pun writers were

-on the national newspapers this week?

-Panda-monium?

-Nice.

-Ooh.

-Panda-ing to China over its human rights row?

My favourite pun was in The Sun...

So, yes, this is the shock news

that vegetables will be eaten in Scotland,

with the arrival of two Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.

It's difficult for pandas to reproduce

because, according to the Mail...

New Year's Eve, the office party and when she once a wardrobe shifting.

Time now for the one-armed bandit of news.

Fingers on buzzers, Teams, here's the first one.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Ian and Tom.

The Muppet show in America has been accused by Fox TV,

which is a right wing news channel,

of deliberately spreading communism, erm, amongst the under fives.

And they're serious!

They think the Muppets are deliberately spreading

a communist message throughout the country

cos the businessmen in the film

is going to close down the Muppet Theatre.

The Muppets have been accused by Fox News host Eric Bolling.

He is a trustworthy sort!

Are those his teeth or is his head hollow

and what we're seeing is the wall behind? Is that what it is?

APPLAUSE

I think that's what it is.

They've got a record of this.

I mean, they tried to ban SpongeBob SquarePants.

Seriously, they thought he was spreading homosexuality amongst the youth!

There's been another right wing nut job in the news this week,

Herman Cain.

-REGGIE CHUCKLES

-A.k.a. The Hermanator.

He's stood down from the race

to be the Republican presidential candidate

following claims of infidelity and sexual harassment.

The most recent sexy claims against him were from a Ginger White -

that's the name of the person, not a...description!

In this country that is not a CRIME!

Yes, Ginger White said they'd had a lengthy affair

and presented evidence of 61 recent telephone calls from him

as early as 4.26am.

-Do you know what he said to that?

-What time is it?

He actually said...

Quite specific.

Cain gave a rousing farewell speech.

He ended by saying...

Where was that quote from?

-Is it a popular song?

-Yes.

-Is it? Oh, I don't know any popular songs.

-He was quoting Donna Summer...

-Oh, yes?

..from her theme song for...

I don't remember that one.

-I do, I'm probably the only one who actually sat through that.

-Why?

-Erm, I had children.

-Oh.

And you want to get away from them for two hours?

Er, one of the criticisms of Cain was that he might get caught out

by gotcha questions from journalists.

He said...

Let's see Cain in action recently, dealing with a gotcha question.

So, you agreed with President Obama on Libya, or not?

OK, Libya...

President Obama...

..supported...

the uprising, correct?

President Obama called for the removal of...Gaddafi?

I just want to make sure we're talking about is the same thing

before I say, "Yes, I agree, I know..."

Erm...I do not agree with the way he handled it

for the following reasons...

Erm...

No, that's, that's a different one.

A sad loss to the political world there.

-Doesn't that make you feel, sort of, competent?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Proud to be a British politician?

I'd like to thank you for putting them on there.

-You've made me look quite clever.

-Yeah!

So, this is the rather confusing Fox News about a frog.

Fox News pundit Eric Bolling accused the new Muppet movie of...

A spokesman for the Muppets promptly confronted him saying, "Hai-ya!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The allegation is quite ludicrous as not every Muppet is a communist.

For instance, Beaker is clearly a Liberal Democrat.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buses, Teams, here's the next one.

BUZZER SOUNDS

This is Prince Albert Memorial and his wife Queen Victoria.

There has been a painting come to light recently

of her as a young girl,

which was considered rather saucy in its day

and it's only come to light now.

Only allowed to see it some 100 years after she has died.

Brace yourselves, boys, there it is!

Oh, revealing!

Who decided it was too naughty to be seen?

Prince Albert, probably, he was always saying things like that.

-GERMAN ACCIDENT:

-This is too naughty to be seen!

He was German, you know.

It was a surprise 24th birthday present for Albert.

He considered it so racy

that he kept it in his private writing room at Windsor Castle.

I bet he did!

How was the sexy effect achieved?

According to Desmond Shawe-Taylor,

-Surveyor of the Queen's Pictures...

-Oh, don't trust him!

He says...

Hi, boys!

Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

APPLAUSE

So, this is Prince Albert's private portrait of Queen Victoria

that was deemed too saucy to be shown in public.

So, girls, if you want to pull your first cousin,

that's the look to go for.

Fingers on buzzers, teams!

BUZZER SOUNDS

This is a village twinned with "Blindin".

APPLAUSE

Yes, this is, Google refuses to carry it

because whenever they put the word in, in Google maps,

it thinks it's, erm, you know, it's bad language.

So, it won't come up. Is it the Google it won't come up on?

-It's Facebook.

-Facebook, that's it. Same sort of thing, isn't it?

Google, Facebook - press a button, something happens.

If it doesn't, it's not plugged in. I understand the Internet.

Yes, Ann-Marie Kennedy from the village of Effin, in Co Limerick,

has started an online battle to get her village's name recognised

on the social media site Facebook.

Ann-Marie set up a Facebook page entitled...

Which was then blocked by Facebook as it was deemed offensive.

Ann-Marie said to the Guardian...

And why has a man in Scotland

got into trouble for swearing this week?

His real name is Alan Bastard?

There was a technical hitch

at the start of a BBC Radio Scotland's News for the Borders show

which meant that the word, "the Borders," was repeated 37 times.

A man tried to fix the problem live on-air.

Let's have a listen.

'This from Lynne Rennie.'

'The Borders, the Borders, the Borders, the Borders,

'the Borders, the Borders,

'the Borders, the Borders, the Borders.'

-'Oh,

-BLEEP!

'Ahh!'

-'Oh, give me anything. What the

-BLEEP BLEEP!

'What the hell is going on here?

-'Technical

-BLEEP

-faults!'

'Ohh!'

-Quite hypnotic, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Is it a secret message that we've all got to go out tonight

and kill the Prime Minister?

It's from the Immigration Service, isn't it? "The Borders."

This is the Effin woman who's got into an effing row

-with those

-BLEEP

-at Facebook.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Facebook refused to allow users to identify their hometown as Effin

on the grounds that it is...

This also explains why there seems to be no Facebook users

in Cockermouth.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features, as its guest publication,

Tea & Tea Room Talk,

"the magazine for people who love tea and tea rooms".

And we start with...

I think this is something like, homosexuality.

What speed they have to attained before this happens?

Is it 32 miles an hour? Wahey!

It's in Saudi.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

A Saudi Arabian cleric has warned that allowing women to drive

will turn men and women to homosexuality,

prostitution and pornography.

Those ultraconservative views on women drivers

come from the controversial Muslim cleric Kamal Subhi Al Clarkson.

APPLAUSE

The best cleric in the world!

Next...

Never prosper.

Scientists have revealed that wasps are able to tell each other apart

and remember other wasps which have done them favours.

Oh, I thought we were talking about insects. Oh.

The Times illustrated its article with this picture

and this gave us the idea for an odd-one-out.

So...

-..which of these is the odd-one-out? Anyone?

-Top right.

It's actually Peter, bottom left.

As he is the only one who doesn't like picnics.

Next...

Whose side were you on in the war?!

-Is that it?

-That's not it.

-Oh.

That's a Sar-cosy, isn't it?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

How are you going to support this baby, though?

The answer is...

According to the Tea magazine...

So, if you missed out on those Olympic tickets, your luck's in!

And finally...

Oh, he drinks a lot of tea, doesn't he? He likes green tea.

Green tea? Yeah, green tea, green tea, green tea. Erm...

Is it a sleeping in a coffin full of earth?

-No, you're mixing him up with Dracula.

-Oh, yeah.

Same age range but different bloke.

Ribena? Blood of virgins?

-Pink champagne.

-There we are.

The question everyone asks is how does Brucie keep looking so young.

The answer is, of course, he doesn't!

So, the final scores are Paul and Reg with four,

and Ian and Tom with five.

-APPLAUSE

-That is a win.

But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.

Is it, "Fenton let's the celebrity lifestyle gets to him?"

Dog says, "Wait a minute,

"I need time to rest after I just ate your brother."

"Dog gives birth to human but refuses to cut umbilical cord."

And here's a picture we couldn't show you earlier.

-It is Archie Andrews.

-Look!

APPLAUSE

I'm very flattered.

And I leave you with news that in Strasbourg the new Italian leader

refuses to agree to his country's debt repayment scheme

on the basis of a game of scissors, paper, stone...

..as ratings continue to plummet,

producers make some drastic changes to the panel of the X Factor...

..and the morning after the party to celebrate their biggest haul yet,

the drug squad sniffer dogs

realise things may have got a little out of hand.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd