Episode 9 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 9

Popular news quiz with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Sue Perkins and guest panellists Nick Hewer and Jack Whitehall.


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Transcript


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I'm Sue Perkins, after rigorous analysis

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At St Mary's Hospital, as he arrives for his annual check-up,

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there's embarrassment for one patient as a film crew spots him with his stool sample.

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And after successfully walking in a straight line to convince the police he's sober,

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one drink-driver gives the game away as he gets back into his car.

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Very good!

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Must try that.

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With Ian is a comedian and actor for whom things are going pretty well at the moment,

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because it's only a few more sleeps- until Christmas,

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and he's been a very good boy this year.

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Please welcome the unfeasibly young and beautiful Jack Whitehall.

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APPLAUSE

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With Paul is the new host of Countdown

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who previously worked for 21 years for Amstrad,

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making him the only man who thinks the Countdown clock

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is advanced technology.

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Please welcome Nick Hewer.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Jack, take a look at this.

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This is Britain alone.

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Is there a snub coming? It's a big, big story.

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It's finding a solution to the euro crisis.

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That's Nick Clegg. He was on the Andrew Marr Show. He said"under no circumstances" he'd go on,

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and then he did.

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They said they were going to come to a deal, and then they didn't.

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We managed to veto it. Yes, we did. That's it, yes.

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David Cameron used the British veto during the euro crisis summit.

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Does anyone know how the Sun portrayed the PM on its front page on Saturday?

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Was it Churchill,

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but without a cigar? Without a cigar.

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Because you're not allowed to smoke now. No. There he is.

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There was an indication of increasingly frosty relations

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between Britain and France in the body language.

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I read about a missed handshake opportunity. Is that it?

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Here they are. Sarkozy saying hello to

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Pat Butcher there.

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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She just got told.

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It wasn't just body language.

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Sarkozy said that Cameron behaved like a "petulant kid,"

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or an "obstinate kid."

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He's a rude little man, and so pleased with himself.

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He can look at the French people, square in the face, and say, "That's the sort of chap I am."

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Is it wrong to say Sarkozy

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finds it quite hard to look anybody in the face?

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Looks them square in the knee.

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Absolutely! Now, all of Europe was fed up with Britain after the summit.

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What did German MP, Alexander Graf Lamsdorff,

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have to say about the row?

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GERMAN ACCENT: "This time we win."

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He said:

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It is a bit unfair.

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After all, invading Poland wasn't such a brilliant idea,

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but we don't bang on about it, do we?

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Yes, we do!

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So, how was Cameron referred to by one French diplomat?

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You've mentioned, obviously, that Sarkozy said he was an "obstinate kid".

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I don't know what that is in French.

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FRENCH ACCENT: Obstinate kid.

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I bow to your greater linguistic skill!

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I'm teaching a language course at the moment. Very easy.

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So far, we've had French and German. Impressive. It's very easy.

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"A man who goes to a wife-swapping party..."

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FRENCH ACCENT: "..without taking his wife."

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That's a classic French insult, isn't it?

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And also, I've tried that.They don't even let you in the door.

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It's a definition of optimism.

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Attending a wife-swapping party? Without a wife.

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You been to lots of those, Nick?

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No... That's how we met, isn't it? Do you remember?

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I'm having a little stab at it, though.

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It is an optimistic thing to do. I remember that as well.

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So, Friday morning, go through the chronology of this.

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Friday morning, Nick Clegg gets a call.

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And says, "Yes, there was no other option. We had to use the veto."

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By Sunday, he's "bitterly disappointed."

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What's happened in that three days?

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We should hear from the horse's mouth.

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This is Nick Clegg talking to Andrew Marr about that fated incident.

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Can I ask you, during those nine hours of negotiation late into the night,

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at any point, did the Prime Minister call you and speak to you about it directly?

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I spoke to the Prime Minister after- the summit was concluded, of course.

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So not during the negotiations themselves?

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Of course not. He was locked in a nocturnal negotiation.

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I was locked in my flat in Sheffield.

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So he's been "locked in his flat in Sheffield",

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but in case we're worried as to exactly what happened, thankfully,

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Channel 4 News staged a reconstruction of what happened that evening.

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Fantastic!

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Early that morning, Mr Cleggwas in his Sheffield constituency.

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PHONE RINGS

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He had approved the government's negotiating position for the European summit,

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but at 4am, he was woken by a call from Brussels.

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Hello?

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What?!

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So somebody said, "We've got an actor, but he doesn't look anything like Nick Clegg."

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"Fine. Put a sheet over his head, and let the foot do the acting."

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Do we know who was Cameron's role model throughout these EU negotiations?

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Enoch Powell.

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It was Enoch Powell who suggested or thought that

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if you spoke with a full bladder, dying to go,

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that you gave your words a sense of urgency,

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and apparently Cameron did this, had a full bladder while he was negotiating.

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He was desperate to go to the loo.

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It's true that Enoch Powell actually said:

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That was in his famous "Rivers of Piss" speech.

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So we've done Friday, all through the weekend. Now he's changed his mind.

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Nick Clegg goes missing when Cameron comes to the Commons to defend his decision.

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Why was that?

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He said he didn't turn up because he thought it would be a "distraction".

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And that everyone might laugh at him, which again is one of the few things he got right.

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But he's not a distraction. He's Nick Clegg.

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If David Cameron turned up with Rihanna, I'd probably be looking at Rihanna.

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But Nick Clegg could turn up to the House of Commons, completely naked,

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save for a lit flare in front of his manhood, and Istill wouldn't even know who he was.

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But you'd never forget him, though, would you? No, I wouldn't forget him!

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So, Ed Miliband tries to put Cameron on the spot in the Commons,

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and at one point, Miliband told the Speaker, "I haven't finished with him yet."

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Yes. How did Cameron and Osborne react to this threat?

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Did they go, "Oooooh!"?

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Make those sort of noises?

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It's the Geoffrey Howe sort of argument again,

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being beaten with a dead sheep.

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An attack by Miliband is a dead mouse, probably. Really? Yeah.

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Have you met Ed Miliband?

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I have. Tall, arrogant, weak handshake. That's it.

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APPLAUSE

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And I'm a Labour voter. Would you have voted for his brother, then?

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I didn't meet the brother, but I met some of the others. Oh, dear.

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So the Daily Mail have accused the BBC of not being impartial,

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and the Mail's impartial lead story- on the front page of their paper read as follows:

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The Daily Mail are writing stuff like that, cos they must feel weird

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cos there's nothing to hate about.

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There's all this anti-European stuff going round, they don't know what to do.

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Jan Moir's probably sat at her desk

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praying that Elton John dies in suspicious circumstances.

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He just needs to die - she'll manufacture the suspicious circumstances!

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One thing's for sure, come Eurovision Song Contest, we're screwed. Yeah.

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They hated us as it was,

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and now we could resurrect The Beatles and send them, we'd still get nul points!

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Is that such a bad thing? I do like the Eurovision Song Contest.

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I get annoyed cos they always say it's political as well.

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Now it'll get even more so.I reckon we just go tough on them.

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Moldova say, "We're only sending you two points this year."

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"Well, fine, we're sending you two of them Tomahawk missiles."

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Just as soon as we find out where the hell you are.

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I went to Moldova once. Oh, yes?

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APPLAUSE

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Moldova is the place

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where the Terylene eiderdownthat slips off the bed still exists.

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You know those terrible things? I thought you were being nostalgic!

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You put the eiderdown on,and it goes straight onto the floor.- Even that doesn't want to be there.

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Politics as normal goes on. We catch up with Adam Werritty. Do you remember Adam Werritty?

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He was Dr Fox's friend. He gave an interview to the Spectator this week.

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Amongst other things, we found out what his plans are for New Year's Eve.

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He's going to spend it with the Foxes. Yes, he is!

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They're very forgiving.

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Is he a friend of Dr Fox's, like William Hague had that friend?

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You should have a chat to our lawyer about that one!

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How do you spell innuendo?

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You're doing Countdown, you should brush up on these things.

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Don't talk to me about that. I see all these letters...

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I think, "Oh, my God,"

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and I get "cat". Yes.

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And then some kid says, "cataclysmic".

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Yeah. There's only nine letters, isn't there?

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I don't know.

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Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.

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It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.

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Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.

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It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.

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Staggering. And then Cameronbrings in Coulson into Number Ten.

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The sort of bloke you wouldn't have in the house.

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APPLAUSE

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Samantha Cameron was spotted shopping this week.

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Does anyone know where she went to make purchases?

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She went to IKEA. This was an austerity bid, wasn't it?

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She bought some flat-packs, and we're meant to believe

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that her and David lay them all out- and count the number of screws,

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and say, "Look, there's one missing there."

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There's pictures of her, she's posed. It was a set-up! Of course!

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Because they've just spent 80,000 quid on curtains or something,

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and someone said, "Get down to IKEA and make it look as though you're like the rest of us."

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You're so cynical, Nick!

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You're going to tell us some of those apprentices are really quite good! They are!

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They're not, you know!

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I'll die for them! Would you?

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Is it cos Sweden's one of the few countries that are with us

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with this whole anti-Europe thing?

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So, trying to keep them sweet, going to IKEA, buying up a bit of that. Thinking.

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Thinking ahead. 12 points coming our way! Yes, get in!

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APPLAUSE

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But it wasn't all doom and gloom. On a positive note,

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this is what Andrew Neil was doing on his Politics Show this week.

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We leave you with news that the music for the 2012 Opening Ceremony

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will be overseen by a techno-rave outfit called Underworld,

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who famously provided the soundtrack to Trainspotting.

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Remember that? That was a gutter story of illegal drug-taking

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on an Olympic scale.

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Nighty-night.

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Don't let the performance-enhancing substances bite.

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MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld

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Oh, no!

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Nurse! Nurse! Make them stop!

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NICK: Extraordinary.

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My wife used to go out with him. What?!

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APPLAUSE

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This is David Cameron's Christmas bonus for the bankers,

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with his brave refusal to allow Europe to make them pay for the mess they've caused.

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Not that we're taking sides. When asked about Nick Clegg's

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conspicuous absence in the House of Commons, David Cameron replied:

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He should never have let him off the lead.

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It's only a matter of time before there's a YouTube video

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of Cameron in Richmond Park, shouting,

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"Cleggy! Cleggy! Jesus Christ! Cleggy!"

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Party leaders sent out their Christmas cards.

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Nick Clegg's card depicted himself as a snowman.

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An appropriate choice, as he won't last beyond January either.

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Paul and Nick, take a look at this.

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Scandalous. These are glove puppets we're looking at.

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Those are small children inside.

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There's the lovely David Attenborough, with a bee on his finger.

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That's a bogey. Is it?

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When you said that, the Director General of the BBC came up. Was that deliberate?

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What happened was that it's impossible to get footage

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of newly-born cubs in the den with the polar bear

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because the polar bear would kill the cameraman or the cubs,

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so they had a shot of a polar bear and some cubs in a specially built shelter

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that had been built in a Dutch wildlife park, and used that material.

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Some people said they felt cheated by this. There were 32 people.

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In the age of Twitter, 32 people complained, out of 8 million that watched Frozen Planet.

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And one who complained was the polar bear.

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He said, "He was nowhere near me, I didn't see any cameras."

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INDISTINCT

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Last thing you want to do is sneak up on a polar beer with its cubs. No.

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I've seen human women giving birth get pretty annoyed.

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A polar beer, I imagine, would be apoplectic.

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I was a bit disappointed.

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He said afterwards, "We're making movies!"

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I thought, "No, you're making a documentary,"

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and the point of that is that they've gone to the wild and filmed that.

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If I found out that crocodile had jumped up

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and attacked the wildebeest crossing the river,

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and they said, "Oh, that was in Scunthorpe,

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"we did that in a zoo..." You wouldn't be disappointed

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to find that happened in Scunthorpe. You'd be intrigued.

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I'd be thrilled, you're right.

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I'm with Mr Merton.

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Are you? I know you are, you're sitting over there.

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Not least because my wife comes from Scunthorpe.

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Yes, exactly.

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And that's where she met Andrew Neil - in a wildlife park, wasn't it?

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This is the piece of footage that we're arguing about. Yes.

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On these side slopes, beneath the snow, new lives are beginning.

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The cubs are born blind and tiny.

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An early birth is easier on the mother, who is barely awake.

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And in the Netherlands! Yes!

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A polar bear is a polar bear. People are reacting like they've talced a cat.

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So Sir David Attenborough was voted Britain's what five years ago?

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Most trusted man. He was. Which is odd, as now we know

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he's a pathological liar.

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One online commentator has said this to the BBC:

:16:57.:17:07.
:17:07.:17:10.

Do you know what the bears involved in the scandal are up to now?

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They've got a few adverts. Glaciers mints, yeah.

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Huggies, the mother, she's had more babies.

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One of the cubs in the programme has his own show

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at a wildlife park in Inverness in Scotland.

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And...the other cub is doing fine as well.

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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David Attenborough made it into soup.

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"This delicious bear!"

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What did Mark Thompson attribute the newspaper fury about the pandas to?

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He said it was revenge for Leveson,

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cos the BBC's been saying the papers have behaved badly

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and they've been keen to find something

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where the BBC's behaved badly.

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Mark Thompson did wonder:

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Back at the press inquiries, what was handed to the Select Committee inquiry into phone hacking?

:18:04.:18:10.

Was this the e-mail to James Murdoch which he didn't read?

:18:10.:18:12.

Yes. He said he received it and it said, "There's loads of reporters

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"hacking people,"

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but he didn't get that far.

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When you're chief executive

:18:18.:18:21.

of a company and the lawyer writes to you and says there's trouble, you don't read it(!)

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No. It was the weekend, as he said. Saturday.

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He can't work seven days a week. Give the guy a break.

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I think the Leveson Inquiry would be so much better if it was

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conducted by Nick and Alan Sugar. Them sat there,

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Nick giving the death stare eyes, that cold gaze.

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Alan Sugar wagging the finger shouting at them

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and Karren Brady could patronise them.

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That's a bit unfair.

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"She's very sharp," he said, covering his arse.

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LAUGHTER

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This is the news that the BBC didn't send a cameraman into

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minus 60 degrees to poke a long pole with a camera attached

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into a polar bear den, endangering their life

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and the lives of the polar bears.

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Not that we're taking sides. The row has damaged the reputation

:19:11.:19:14.

of the BBC, but that will be nothing compared

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to the scandal when ITV viewers find out those aren't real meerkats.

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Also this week, the infamous News Of The World reporter

:19:21.:19:24.

Mazher Mahmood has been giving evidence to the Leveson Inquiry.

:19:24.:19:28.

During his tabloid career, he entrapped dozens of celebrities by dressing up as a:

:19:28.:19:32.

He is still in work,

:19:32.:19:35.

dressing up as a polar bear for BBC documentaries.

:19:35.:19:38.

Now, Round Two, the Large Hadron Collider of news.

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We fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse the results.

:19:43.:19:47.

Buzz in when you know what it is.

:19:47.:19:49.

BUZZER

:19:49.:19:53.

OK, Paul and Nick? That's the Hadron Collider. Yes.

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It's this Higgs boson particle,

:19:58.:20:02.

which... I don't understand it, not many people do.

:20:02.:20:05.

They have an idea it's in the vicinity.

:20:05.:20:07.

They're not sure exactly where it is.

:20:07.:20:09.

They know roughly where it is.

:20:10.:20:12.

They're hoping it will emerge next year.

:20:12.:20:14.

In a flat in Sheffield? Yeah.

:20:14.:20:17.

The Times says the scientists have had:

:20:17.:20:21.

What is the indication? What is it?

:20:21.:20:23.

Is it a disembodied voice? "I am the Higgs boson, you cannot find me."

:20:23.:20:30.

Why was that Swedish?

:20:30.:20:33.

They use a particular analogy.

:20:33.:20:35.

It's an analogy between Margaret Thatcher and the Higgs boson.

:20:35.:20:39.

I know, I see your horror there. This is used by scientists. It says:

:20:39.:20:49.
:20:49.:20:54.

This is obviously pre-Eric Pickles.

:20:54.:20:57.

LAUGHTER

:20:57.:21:04.

What happens next is a rumour is started and passes

:21:04.:21:08.

through the room:

:21:08.:21:17.

I don't understand it!

:21:17.:21:21.

I went to a party where she was once.

:21:21.:21:22.

Yes! Was she carrying a lot of mass at the time?

:21:23.:21:27.

A big handbag. That will be it.

:21:27.:21:29.

If you don't understand this, we've got Professor Steve Jones,

:21:29.:21:33.

one of the Telegraph's science correspondents.

:21:33.:21:36.

What he had to say on the subject on Wednesday:

:21:36.:21:43.

That's good. Yeah. That's refreshing.

:21:43.:21:46.

Elsewhere in science,

:21:46.:21:49.

Radio 4 has asked listeners to submit fiendish questions

:21:49.:21:52.

to put to Stephen Hawking in its most cerebral quiz ever.

:21:52.:21:56.

A lot of the questions can be seen online.

:21:56.:21:58.

Shall we have a go at a couple? Why not?

:21:58.:22:04.

Yes. Yes. But they'd be behind you.

:22:04.:22:08.

It's one of those things you used to get at school.

:22:08.:22:12.

"If it takes a man five days to run a bath,

:22:12.:22:17.

how many apples, and a bunch of grapes?" I don't know.

:22:17.:22:24.

Ask him. I don't know. Why bother me? I wouldn't know.

:22:24.:22:24.

Eamonn Holmes.

:22:24.:22:26.

At a rate of knots. Constellations are disappearing daily.

:22:26.:22:30.

Yeah. Is the correct answer.

:22:30.:22:32.

What exam board do you represent again?

:22:32.:22:42.
:22:42.:22:42.

..says the professor very succinctly.

:22:42.:22:46.

Fingers on buzzers.

:22:46.:22:47.

Here's another one. Buzz when you know what it is.

:22:47.:22:50.

BELL

:22:50.:22:51.

Mr Goodwin. Yes. Has he had a leg removed

:22:51.:22:53.

for crimes against the state?

:22:53.:22:56.

You couldn't get a picture that made- you look like more of a banker.

:22:56.:23:01.

Banker.

:23:01.:23:02.

The Financial Services Authority have produced a report

:23:02.:23:05.

on how Royal Bank of Scotland collapsed.

:23:05.:23:08.

They've come to the conclusion that it was his fault.

:23:08.:23:11.

He tried to buy a Dutch bank.

:23:11.:23:13.

Everyone said, "Don't buy the bank,

:23:13.:23:16.

"because they have real problems."

:23:16.:23:16.

He said, "No, I think it will work out well."

:23:16.:23:19.

The rest of the board said "Good idea.

:23:19.:23:21.

"We'll do whatever you say and take- the cheque." It went belly up.

:23:22.:23:26.

The bank was bailed out by us to the tune of 46 billion quid,

:23:26.:23:30.

26,000 people were robbed of their jobs, and it helped to bring the economy to its knees.

:23:30.:23:35.

The answer to this would be to ask your old mucker Mr Sugar, would it not, Nick?

:23:35.:23:38.

Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar. Do you think so?

:23:38.:23:42.

What was the question?

:23:42.:23:44.

It's like Countdown. Wake up!

:23:44.:23:47.

Just because the audience is asleep doesn't mean you can be.

:23:47.:23:51.

What a terrible thing to say about the Countdown audience.

:23:51.:23:55.

Some of them are still alive. Honestly(!)

:23:55.:23:58.

I think the answer to all the recession stuff would be to ask

:23:58.:24:01.

Nick's old boss, Lord Sugar.

:24:01.:24:03.

How does this region get out of recession?

:24:03.:24:06.

Oh, shit.

:24:06.:24:07.

LAUGHTER

:24:07.:24:11.

That's when he was a government spokesman. He was meant to help small businesses.

:24:11.:24:16.

They caught him off-guard. He wasn't feeling very well.

:24:16.:24:18.

He came back and gave a great, full explanation

:24:19.:24:21.

of what should have happened. How's that?

:24:21.:24:23.

Yeah(!) Pretty nauseating.

:24:23.:24:26.

Amongst the many people criticised in this report,

:24:26.:24:30.

Sir Fred Goodwin copped some flak.

:24:30.:24:32.

According to the Mirror, Sir Fred's- style could only be described as

:24:32.:24:36.

"brutal", with the RBS executive wing known as "the torture chamber",

:24:36.:24:39.

where Goodwin would hold "morning beatings"

:24:39.:24:43.

every day at 9.30am to intimidate and humiliate executives.

:24:43.:24:46.

Morning beatings?! They used to say meetings,

:24:46.:24:49.

but terrified employees called them "morning beatings".

:24:49.:24:52.

So he didn't actually physically attack people every morning? No.

:24:52.:24:56.

He's not Max Mosley, for goodness' sake.

:24:56.:24:59.

You're flirting with danger, aren't you?

:24:59.:25:03.

What do we know about his engagement with his employees?

:25:03.:25:05.

He had an affair with one of them. Yes.

:25:05.:25:07.

He took out an injunction to try and stop anyone knowing.

:25:08.:25:11.

How did that go?

:25:11.:25:13.

I may have just broken it.

:25:13.:25:15.

The inquiry cleared just about everyone of everything.

:25:15.:25:19.

I'll tell you what, Sugar would have- got to the bottom of all this. That's Lord Sugar.

:25:19.:25:23.

Lord Sugar.APPLAUSE

:25:23.:25:33.
:25:33.:25:40.

Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication

:25:40.:25:46.

In A Nutshell, the official magazine of the Squirrel Lovers' Club.

:25:46.:25:50.

Like squirrels themselves, it's not often READ.GROANING

:25:51.:25:54.

To be or not to be a squirrel, that is the question?

:25:55.:25:58.

JACK: To have my grandparents for Christmas

:25:58.:26:00.

or not to put up with racism for the next ten days.

:26:01.:26:03.

It's the classic yuletide dilemma. Yeah.

:26:04.:26:07.

Is that true of your grandparents? Yeah.

:26:07.:26:09.

Yeah.

:26:09.:26:11.

The answer is:

:26:11.:26:15.

This is the fierce debate raging amongst squirrel lovers

:26:15.:26:19.

currently coursing through the pages of In A Nutshell

:26:19.:26:21.

over the best way to feed the cute-looking, bushy-tailed roadkill.

:26:21.:26:24.

The same issue also features the following front-page apology.

:26:24.:26:34.
:26:34.:26:39.

And that, News Of The World, is how you do an apology. Next:

:26:39.:26:45.

There's a train coming.

:26:45.:26:47.

It's actually:

:26:47.:26:53.

And of course, chuck-chuck-chuff-chuff-chuck

:26:53.:26:56.

is also Cilla Black after the Blind Date reunion party.

:26:56.:27:00.

And finally:

:27:00.:27:06.

I shoved an acorn up me arse.

:27:06.:27:13.

The weather's been pretty stormy this week. Here's a response from Scotland.

:27:13.:27:17.

Lord. Oh, my God! Trampoline!

:27:17.:27:21.

Trampoline!

:27:21.:27:26.

So, the final scores are

:27:26.:27:29.

Paul and Nick have four points,

:27:29.:27:31.

but Ian and Jack have five. Unbelievable! Unbelievable.

:27:31.:27:35.

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

:27:35.:27:40.

I'm very grateful.

:27:40.:27:42.

I leave you with news that, as the funfair comes to Mogadishu,

:27:42.:27:45.

it's a productive day on the rifle range for two Somali pirates.

:27:45.:27:51.

Unions brace themselves as Number Ten unveils a new advisor

:27:51.:27:55.

with responsibility for Work And Pensions reform.

:27:55.:28:01.

And as an inquiry is set up to investigate alleged faking of BBC wildlife documentaries,

:28:01.:28:06.

one key witness agrees to testify as long as she's granted anonymity.

:28:06.:28:13.