Christmas Special Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Good evening, welcome to Have I Got

News For You, I am Martin Clunes. In the news this week, at

rehearsals for the London 2012 opening ceremony organisers admit

it was a mistake to let Boris Johnson have first go at running

with the torch. At Covent Garden a reporter

announces that celebrities who will be turning on this year's Christmas

lights will be Jedward. In Dublin, there's delight at the

news that the EU has finally outlawed national stereotyping.

And in Wigan a councillor announces the anti-litter scheme has been a

total success. It does take a long time to make change, even with the

best will in the world. With Ian is an actress who roepbtly

said British comedy is still patronising and sexist and women

can't be trusted to be funny. Listen, love, all you need there is

a punchline, all right. Please welcome the gorgeous Rebecca Front.

APPLAUSE. And with Paul is a standup comedian

who in 2008 received �8,000 for winning the Intelligent Financial

Comedy award and invested the lot in Greek bonds. Please welcome

David O'Doherty. APPLAUSE.

And we start with The Biggest stories of the week. Paul and David,

take a look at this. This is North Korea, obviously. This is the

leader there - that was an airtight box, he was all right before they

put him in there. Kim Jong, very ill. That's his son who parts his

way in an extraordinary way, which bodes ill for the people. Old bloke

is dead and new has come in. Where did those glasses come from?! I

didn't know it was fancy dress. The women that were weeping at the

escalater was amusing. He travelled on an escalater, one of his last

public appearances, they're now weeping and treating the escalater

as a shrine, moving shrine literally. Would you like to see

the last photograph taken of him. Yes, please. There he is. The

escalater has become a shrine. There is people surrounding the

escalater. Maybe they're worried the he is Slater has broken down --

escalater has broken down. If you are not seen to be crying you get

killed, which is... Cry about, I believe. Very much the way I bring

up my children. Indeed. I am fascinated by Kim Jong Un. Is he

the new one? Yeah, because you know, he is portly. I am a little despot,

short and stout. If the rest of the population is starving, he isn't.

He is known as The Dear Leader. He accumulated a number of other names,

do you remember any? O. His father was The Eternal President, even

after he was dead he was still President. Was he? I think he still

is, I may have got that wrong. That's eternity for you. Keeps on

coming. He was also known as The Glorious General who Descended from

Heaven, amazing politician. And: According to official state version

of events what happened around the time of his birth? There was a star

in the east. Pretty much. It was foretold by a swallow, unusual.

swallow? Yes, nothing to do with the conception.

And a - shutup! Come on, it's Christmas. A double rainbow and a

new star appeared pwofr the mountain-top where he was born.

That's nice. Certainly one star though, three stars would have been

better. Five stars the best. Which food did he claim to have invented

in 2000? The banana. The kumquat? The Gogigyeopbbang. It means two

breads with meat, or as we would call it, a hamburger. He kidnapped

a film-maker and made him make films for him. When they first met

he said: Do you know what according to the

official North Korean website what he never ever did? Never did

anything bad, ever. He never defecated or urinated. That would

explain the size of his son, anyway. On the subject of tyrants which

despot launched his fashion label this week. Robert Mugabe? Yes!

it right! Dear me! A range of t- shirts, jackets and caps bearing

his signature under the slogan style, comfort and a splash of

attitude. Misprint for blood. week when North Korea dominated the

pages we shouldn't forget that Vaclav Havel sadly died, former

President of the Czech Republic. The world's media were quick to pay

tribute. See if you can spot these sublime message in John Simpson's

report here. There was nothing grand about him. He felt completely

out of place with all the pomp and ceremony. He didn't even like

wearing a suit. In terms of intellect he was way ahead of most

other political leaders. Yes, this is the death of Kim Jong

Il. In his first game of golf he claimed to have to have completed

the first first course in 38 under par, breaking Tiger Woods record of

being the biggest liar ever to set foot on a golf course. Kim Jong

Il's death was particularly bad news for Bono who is now the

world's only short-oarsed megalomaniac who wears glasses all

the time. There are fear his death will leave North Korea with a power

vacuum, which if true could be the only electrical appliance in the

whole country. Ian and Rebecca, look at this. Oh, that's people

having cosy lunch with each other. It's the rich what gets the

pleasure and the poor what gets the blame. Goldman Sachs, the vampire

squids. Good, we can read! It's about these, are they sweetheart

deals? You take the tax person, Dave Hartnett or similar, out to

lunch. But hostly him. -- mostly him. Take him out to lunch if you

can't pay tax and let's face it, times are tough, you take him out

for lunch andlets fine and -- out for lunch and actually you can

probably write most of that off. don't want to crow, but this is a

Private Eye story which after a year has come good. Thank you very

much. APPLAUSE. We are all in it together, except the very large

companies who don't seem to have to pay tax bills. You take out the

head of the revenue for lunch and you get a special deal. Vodafone, I

mean, owe about �6 billion. Goldman Sachs, one of the great financial

institutions in the world, they owed a tax bill and took him out to

lunch and he said, well you don't have to pay interest on this and

don't have to pay the bill for years. It's essentially big

companies get away with a sweetheart deal. Everyone else has

to pay up. When we are talking about a hole in the budget of �12

billion, �6 billion is quite a lot. The overall shortfall they think is

about �25 billion. �25 billion in uncollected tax. We are laughing

then, aren't we, surely we get that back and we are all right? Yeah, we

lend it to Greece. Ireland, please. APPLAUSE. That's the deal and the

Public Accounts Committee finally looked into it after about a year

and a half of everyone going perhaps you should have a look and

those protesters there, they occupied fort fort - fortmuns, you

couldn't buy a hamper, it was a nightmare. He had 107 dinners with

companies and tax lawyers over two years. HMRC spokesman said in many

cases when HMRC has looked at the full facts it becomes clear that

there is no (slurring) no liability... But meanwhile, if you

noticed how the Lib Dems have been flexing their muscles in the news.

Nick Clegg has been rude about the Prime Minister. He said Cameron's

view of the family is stuck in the Presumably he means this sort of

thing. Nick Clegg thinks we should be open to unconventional families

like this one. Photos like that often accompanied

by words before turning the gun on himself.

What's the problem with Ed Miliband according to Peter Mandelson?

many jokes, although I hadn't noticed myself. Too much of the

light-hearted approach, I think. You missed a joke! He was in

parliament and he said Clegg and Cameron, you two - I have to get

this right now. He said, you two are like a married couple. What a

messer! I didn't realise he had such good material. On the subject

of traditional enemies what have the French been saying about us?

They said our economy is worse than theirs. Rude. Britain should be

downgraded from triple A to whatever the smaller batteries are.

Fantastically rude all round round. Oh! The papers were quick to rush

out a list of insults the French have throne at us over the years.

Any idea what the French Prime Minister said about the English in

1991? Frankly, no. She said: That's not an insult, that's fine.

That's an underestimate. But it's a jolly good thing. I spend half my

life saying to my children that's a good thing when the word gay comes

up. And that's a good thing. There we are, it's a good thing. Good old

Edith. Cresson - like croissant! That's a good thing. That is the

heartwarming Christmas news that the cinch has avoided paying �25

billion in tax and an HMRC spokesman rejected the report

saying it was based on partial information, inaccurate opinion and

some misunderstag of facts. A bit like my tax return. Meanwhile,

the fallout from David Cameron's European veto continued. The main

stumbling block remains Cameron's desire to protect the City from the

financial transaction tax. Surely the compromise would be to

introduce it and then ask the HMRC to collect it. So, to round two.

Fingers on buzzers. The first one. Cutbacks, it's Snow White and the

Five Dwarfs. I think I read this. That's That's cheating. People have

been taking the parts of dwarfs in pantos. Is that right? Yes, they've

replaced them with child actors because they spent all the money on

special effects. I don't know why that makes me laugh. A spokesman

explained: The children have to put on dwarf

masks, don't they they. Their lines are pre-ordered by adult actors and

put on a loop. What could possibly go wrong? Peter Bur rows who runs a

On the subject of pantos stars, why have the Krankies been cause ago

stir this week? They were swingers. No, no, no! That's what someone

said on the night. The Sun was quick to react to the public's

thirst for more information. Do you know what they did? They didn't

hack a phone, did they? They put out an appeal.

According to The Mail Janet had an affair with a circus leopard tamer,

while Ian carried on with the act's glamorous assistant. Any ideas how

they could tell this had happened? Talking of celebrities and their

private lives this is probably the moment to pay a weekly visit to The

Leveson inquiry, this week's big gun was Piers Morgan. Here he is

looking serious on The Independent. Another photo just above him

looking like he is enjoying it. Do you know what he admitted to?

didn't watch it, no interest to me being sliced up by a QC in front of

millions of people. The fact he made a fool of himself, I am not

going to watch that! All of it. On He admitted to having heard a

voicemail message from Paul McCartney, but he refused to say

Shiplake it to him or that listening to the message was

unethical. He we showed things he said before and he is denying them

now. I am not saying he made a fool of himself, but he did. Are you

surprised he had no knowledge of any telephone hacking? It is

extraordinary he did what we call the full Murdoch. He could not

remember anything. Let's take a look at him on this programme in

May 1996 discussing the use of photographers with Clive Anderson.

You must have covered that, page 5 story. What do you know about

newspapers? About as much as you do. About as much as you did. The mayor

is almost as good as the sun. The last time I was rude to you, you

said a photographer to my door the next day. You will not see them the

next time. He is charming. It is quite chilling. Which one was me?

Funny how you forget things. This is the pantomime in which has

disappointed the residents of Wolverhampton, which takes some of

doing. The Krankies reveal their swaying past. The Sun said: And

gave them a phone number to call, not the news desk, a helpline. The

Leveson inquiry heard from Piers Morgan who said he heard a voice

mail. To which presumably she responded by bringing his answer

machine and singing the dire straits classic money for nothing.

Fingers on buzzers. Not only has Francis Bacon written all

Shakespeare plays, but he has also played left back for England. No

idea. Football was so dangers in Tudor times it had to be banned.

that news? It is about 400 years old. It has just emerged, it is

breaking. Do you know how many people died in England playing

football? A 804. A bit lower. VOICE, 804. 7th. I can take

directions. They just emerged from the Black Death when a third of

Europe died and they were worried about football. That is when an

away leg was not an away leg and you had to go to Europe. Political

It led to the well-known phrase, but he never touched him, rev. What

is the third place in the list of the most dangerous Judah activities.

Marrying Henry VIII. John Langbern had a particular event full game in

1523. Do you remember him? Yes. stance were not quite long enough

and he ended up and broke a metatarsal and was therefore two

They were dangerous times. Can anybody guess what happened to

Alexander God be as he sat on a church wall watching archers

shooting at targets next to the John gave up archery. I will leave

that one. An Academy at Southampton University has uncovered evidence

that Henry VIII was a keen footballer, very much the Ryan

Giggs of his day in that he slept with his brother's white. It is the

odd one out round. George Osborne. Littlewoods Christmas TV advert,

Mario Balotelli and The Grinch. They also stole Christmas except

one of them. Was there not a rumour of Balotelli giving away money.

gives the money away to people in the street. Littlewoods got into

trouble because they mentioned Santa does not exist. They all

tried to ruin Christmas. Apart from Balotelli who tried to make

everyone's Christmas. By giving away money. You are right, he was

the odd one out. Mario Balotelli has been getting into the Christmas

Bear by putting on a Santa hat and striding around Manchester handing

out gifts and money at random. His boss is less than pleased with him,

he may find him �150,000. Why? that is the other one. Are there

only two footballers? I thought there were hundreds I had to learn.

When did you start this process of learning about professional

footballers? About 10 years ago and I got nose -- know where. He broke

the 48 our pre-match curfew to go out for a curry. He is great.

think he sounds terrific. He has had an eventful time here. Days

after joining Manchester City in 2010, he crashed his car. When

police asked him why he had �5,000 in his back pocket, he told them: A

few weeks later while sidelined by a knee injury, Balotelli and his

brother were questioned by the police. George Osborne did spoil

Christmas. What happened? We do not have George Osborne in Ireland.

George Osborne turned up and turned them on instead. Who else has

ruined Christmas for someone? You will not know. Take us back to 1542.

We were happier then when they would just two TV channels. It is

this FedEx man dropping off a computer. They have all been

accused of ruining Christmas apart from Mario Balotelli. He dished out

handfuls of money to people in Manchester. It is the most cash

given away in football circles since Qatar won the right to host

the World Cup. It had been rumoured that Knutsford's Christmas lights

were to be turned on by Harry from One Direction, but George Osborne

turned up instead. It could be argued that George Osborne is a

better person to turn on his constituents' likes, but it could

also be argued that Harry from One Direction is a better choice to run

the economy. This is this week's publications. It is the one part of

the press that is proud to be in the gutter. Fear and loathing?

Horoscope and B sample. No. 1 and No. 2. It might be. Shower and

access to counselling. Welcoming guests to the buffet the organiser

got things off to an unbiased -- an uncertain start informing people

that there was no seeding, but they could help themselves to a stool.

The penguins got jealous, it was throwing poo. They were jealous of

all the attention the pandas were getting. They were not penguin

droppings. Penguins are jealous of other monochrome animals. This is

at Edinburgh Zoo whether penguins keep jumping onto a wall and

pulling on their visitors below. It annoys the visitors and David

Attenborough's film crew who were told they were in the Antarctic.

Waste disposal unit two. An interesting film, but in the end it

did not work. Is it a robot that goes inside sewage pipes? You would

not get a robot to do that. They are very bright. They would only do

it once. I would not go in there, it stinks. I know how it feels.

has announced the location of the next exhibition in Birmingham. A

Ian and Rebecca have eight and Paul and David have four. Before we go,

there is just time for the caption competition. After criticism of

Frozen Planet David Attenborough has the music for the new series

recorded on location. One elephant is saying to the other, he is

LAUGHTER. PAUL: What time did The Krankies get here? I leave you with

news that in North Yorkshire there is a poor turnout for the cast

reunion party for Last Of The Summer Wine.

In central London after an alarmingly high reading one patient

is advised to retake the test with a male nurse. In Kensington Park

after a spate of dog fouling local residents are called in to identify

whether it is their dogs that are responsible. And at the G20 summit

in Washington the Obamas and President Medvedev welcomed