Episode 11 Have I Got News for You


Episode 11

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Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

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-I'm Alan Johnson.

-I'm Stephen Mangan.

-I'm David Mitchell.

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-I'm Miranda Hart.

-I'm Bill Bailey.

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In the news this week, in Clydebank,

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there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report on the Navy submarine with only one toilet...

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In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman begins work

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on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.

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In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual routine

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after shaking hands with some working class people.

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And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option

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but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.

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Time to get yourself a nice warm woolly this autumn.

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It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

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-Paul and Russ, take a look at this.

-Ah, right.

-This is Miss BNP.

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I don't think he's a real policeman.

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We do these things so much better, don't we?

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Weddings. Somebody said they employed lip readers to see what they said.

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She said "I do," at one point, he said "I do," at another.

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Apparently Prince Charles, turned to Camilla, and through this lip reader, he said -

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INCOHERENT MUMBLING

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What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?

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I've never liked you.

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-I want a divorce.

-Yeah. He revealed...

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Let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl, but there's no need for that.

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That's not seemly. That is just disrespectful.

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Oi, use the hymn book, use the hymn book.

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What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12:3Oam?

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-They're turning the lights off.

-Absolutely.

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All the foreign crews are furious, because their audiences will have just woken up.

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So, when the American broadcasters want to stand outside

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Buckingham Palace, and say "Here I am, live," it's going to be completely dark.

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How selfish of us!

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Why couldn't we time the wedding to be in the middle of the night here?

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And then the Americans could watch!

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I hope there are ad breaks, so that NBC can shove in an advert for,

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what is it, nachos, they have?!

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According to the Telegraph,

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Kate has invited her very first boyfriend, Willem Marx.

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I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the "e" bit. "Willem."

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"What's your name?"

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Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem, murrrr?

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Yeah.

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Yes, this was the fairytale royal wedding.

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It was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented:

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David Beckham wore his OBE,

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but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side,

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but to be fair it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.

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This is obviously the News International story, the phone hacking, Hugh Grant.

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There is the editor of the News of the World doing some research.

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They been phone hacking people for years, and said they weren't.

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They said it was the result of a "lone hacker".

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The editor the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.

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Why would he? He's editing the paper.

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I can tell you I have no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.

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-No idea.

-That is self-evident.

-Yes!

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Who's good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this enquiry?

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He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail might have,

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in some way, been involved in phone hacking,

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which they refute entirely, I understand.

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The Daily Mail utterly refute this.

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The Daily Mail does not want to be associated with phone hacking.

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The last thing the Daily Mail wants

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is for its name to appear in the same headline

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as a phone hacking scandal.

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-Has that cleared that up?

-Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal.

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Did anyone read anything about other cast members

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in the phone hacking scandal this week?

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Rebekah Wade, the former editor

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of the News of the World and the Sun, is having a baby,

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but it's through a surrogate,

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and she's asked for privacy.

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That is correct. She is expecting a baby via a surrogate mother.

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Or as the Sun might have put it:

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The News of the World may be dead, but it's wretched ghost continues to haunt.

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The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out

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surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer, Mark Lewis,

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which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis

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and his teenage daughter as they visited a branch of Tesco.

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Well, if you're looking to intimidate someone,

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every little helps.

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This is Wayne Rooney, who, this week, has had a hair transplant.

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Do you know how the operation actually works?

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The find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through.

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I knew it. I knew it.

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Apparently, they dig out the hair follicles from a place

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-on his body where the hair's still growing and stick them on his head.

-Exactly.

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How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?

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He tweeted on Twitter. He showed his bonce, his arse bonce to the world.

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His bum head was displayed.

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There, old bottom nut.

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What did his message that accompanied the picture say?

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My head feels great but my ass hurts a little bit.

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How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?

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-Defunct? Gone?

-Technically, it's known as a widow's peak,

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which, for Wayne, is usually around 75.

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His avatar on the brand new Fifa '12 game will need to be altered

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as it features his old widow's peak.

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I think, if you look at the background of that photo,

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you can make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.

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Rooney's the ridicule of his Manchester United team-mates

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this week after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids of him on holiday -

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with his wife.

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As an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourite TV programme,

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he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.

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There's evidence that some people already have access

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to the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body.

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Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over(!)

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That picture of them watching was weird, in the situation room, watching it on TV.

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It's a fascinating picture

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because you don't see what they're looking at.

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Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful. I like to think, if you look the other way,

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it would be Michelle showing them colour swatches...

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New evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months

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on every aspect of the Osama operation including the burial at sea.

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So Gaddafi's dead, big comedy moment.

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That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.

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-Where was he found?

-In a sewer.

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-A sewer pipe.

-They're always found underground, never in the air.

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This is the thing. There must be something online called Tunnels For Tyrants.

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-TFT.

-They learned the lesson this time.

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With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial,

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but, luckily, this time, he was shot.

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So we didn't have to see the character witnesses

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turning out for Gaddafi.

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Tony Blair...

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Do you know what else they were doing in Sirte,

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by way of celebration?

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Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?

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Dangerous, I would have thought.

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-Too soon.

-Apparently, the shops were thrown open

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so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied.

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A tradition started in Tottenham this summer.

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How has Obama described the US involvement in Libya?

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He's not involved, he's just gone over to complain about the noise.

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Yeah. He's described it as...and...

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And behind the scenes, he referred to the Libya situation as...

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Did they cut the crusts off. I don't like crusts.

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Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News?

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She came up with a new word for it.

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I haven't heard the president say we are at war and that's why I too

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am not knowing, do we use the term "intervention," do we use, "war,"

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do we use, "squirmish"? What is it?

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-1st birthday.

-That looks lovely, that cake.

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Look, it's all sad now, one year on. Aw!

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He's so lonely!

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It's coalition government. You share the responsibilities.

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The Conservatives do the winning and...

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Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?

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No. All the polls said it would go that way and it did.

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The AV campaign saw politicians from different parties teaming up,

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such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable and David Cameron and John Reid

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in the semi-finals of bald old man and shiny, posh friend of the earth.

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Oh, yes. This is the travellers being run out of...

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Olympic Stadium's coming on well.

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That is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site.

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It had been reported that several people have been Tasered.

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Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.

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It's about 10 years this has been going on.

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They have spent 18 million quid on 40 families.

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It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.

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People said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent."

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At least turn it into some kind of show.

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The caravan being evicted this week will be...

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What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?

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That's the protest outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.

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They tweet about it on their iPhones in-between getting cafe lattes

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and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.

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They are against capitalism except for the lattes.

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So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?

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If they prop up a corporate titan like Starbucks,

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they have to ask themselves how much of capitalism they really don't like.

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You can't negate them because they drink coffee.

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That's like saying to a condemned man, on the way to the gallows,

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when he's blubbing, "You ate your last meal, what's the matter?"

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You can't be against capitalism

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and then take everything that it provides.

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"Everything"?! A Cup of coffee?!

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One cup of coffee and they can't...

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Can't they be about... Sorry. No, no, no.

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It's just so obvious, I can't be bothered.

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What were you going to say?

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You don't have to want to return

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to a barter system in the Stone Age to complain about the way the financial crisis

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affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?

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Even if you're having a cup of coffee and you've got a tent.

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CHEERING

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The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy.

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To be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation,

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it's Silvio Berlusconi.

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-Berlusconi obviously.

-This is the passing of a comedy legend!

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He's not embarrassed by anything, that's his secret.

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That little dance he was doing, he was impersonating a disabled person.

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-Yep.

-That's someone who's not easily embarrassed then.

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-It's his Ricky Gervais act.

-In our country,

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we've taken the decision not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

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Meanwhile, the German government has discovered it's going

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to get £14 billion more in tax this year than it expected

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and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years...

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which is great news.

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Good for them.

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Lucky, lucky old Germans.

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Couldn't have happened to a nicer country.

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APPLAUSE

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While Germany's having a nice time, Greece is still struggling.

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Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week.

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Anyone see this?

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It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.

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He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab

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on the way in and he just went for the bloke.

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Here he is talking to a Greek man.

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It is not the fault of the rest of the European Union.

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It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?

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GROANING

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The paradox is that, if they are so dishonest, he's not going to give an honest answer.

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-Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented according to the Sun?

-Yes. Let's.

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-Feta cheese.

-No.

-Democracy.

-Democracy is one of them, yes.

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-The Olympics.

-Yes.

-Nana Mouskouri.

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-Yes, but they didn't put that there.

-Drama.

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Yes, theatre is one of them. Mazes,

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the Olympics, democracy, theatre, geometry, lesbians...

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..and N-Dubz.

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There was quite a drop-off after they created democracy, wasn't there?

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Italy's current debt stands at...

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Still, could be worse. It could be in lire.

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And so to round 2, the cloche of news.

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Carson the butler will lift the cloche revealing an item

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or items relating to a news story of the week.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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Is this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?

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A dog who was chasing deer and he was just screaming "Benton!"

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He's not come forward, but some youth, as they always do,

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was filming it on his mobile telephone device.

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It's got over a million hits on YouTube or something.

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-Is absolutely the right answer.

-Is absolutely the right answer?!

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APPLAUSE

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Shall we have a look at internet sensation...

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If we don't, I'll fight anyone who says we can't.

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Benton! Benton! Benton!

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Benton! Benton!

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Benton!

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Oh, Jesus Christ!

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Benton!

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-Following this, Benton went viral and both he and Jesus...

-Why?!

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Why did people think that was entertaining?

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Totally out of focus camera shots, some deer in the background,

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some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions of people have watched it.

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I'm in the wrong business.

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Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?

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-He's a glove puppet.

-His real name's Fenton.

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Is absolutely right.

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No.

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Does anyone know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?

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Humanity reaches the bottom of the barrel.

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We are all doomed. The last person to leave the planet, tell Fenton.

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Human beings duped into watching crap on new invention.

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It was... The Sun ended its report...

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This gets worse and worse.

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Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?

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-No.

-The Sun ended its report saying...

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And the good news is that they've tracked down Benton and his owner

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and the dog's been destroyed.

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I'm only joking, animal lovers.

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That was the best bit.

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The other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...

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Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,

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has been up to this week?

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Gavin lives at Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro...

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This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer in Richmond Park.

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The next time Benton's owner left the park, he took no chances.

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He left the dog at home and went on his bike.

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Whoa!

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Now, that was worth seeing.

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The M1 was closed and a fella in a dressing gown did his ironing on it.

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There was a fire on the M1. I knew about it.

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As I was driving along, my sat nav melted.

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How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?

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I've been under a lot of stress.

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I've got a pressing engagement.

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What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?

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If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.

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How's that for irony?!

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Papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.

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What, in particular, did they pick up on?

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There was a fire under the bridge and, as far as I know,

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most of the M1 is still closed

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whereas the Japanese has a tsunami and their motorways are up and open.

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Absolutely right. The papers pointed out that the Japanese motorway ripped apart

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by the earthquake was completely restored

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six days later, but, to be fair, no-one has stuck up for British workers and said

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our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed.

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There's great comfort in those words.

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This is the closure of the M1 causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.

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Apparently there were already plans to reinforce the northbound

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stretch of the M1 after rumours that Eric Pickles was planning

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to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.

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Sorry, Pickles.

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You're sorry?! I'm the one who'll get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.

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Has he got no sense of direction?

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HE MOUTHS

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BELL

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The clue is the ferry.

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This is the English rugby team coming back from

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their not very happy World Cup and

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this is a member of the team deciding the best way to celebrate

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being knocked out was to jump off the ferry and swim to the nearby

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pontoon, I suppose they're called.

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This is another story in the disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.

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Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?

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-No, I don't.

-It starts with M and it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.

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Moichael! Moichael! Moi name's Moichael.

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That's terrible.

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His name is Manu Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were?

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He met David Walliams.

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England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been...

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Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.

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Old flame meaning ex-girlfriend,

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not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.

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Time now for the odd-one-out round.

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Charlie Chaplin.

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Never heard of him.

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Goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi

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and a house in Swansea.

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The only house in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.

0:22:320:22:36

There's a house in Swansea that looks like Hitler?!

0:22:360:22:39

Hitler's only got one hall.

0:22:390:22:41

There's a house that has a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...

0:22:410:22:47

Yeah, Nuremberg rallies when he had a bit off guttering round the side of his head.

0:22:470:22:51

So, if there's a house that looks like Hitler, Charlie Chaplin with

0:22:510:22:55

the moustache which later was appropriated by Hitler.

0:22:550:22:57

So has the goldfish or Baroness what's-her-name got a Hitler moustache?

0:22:570:23:01

There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler.

0:23:010:23:04

That lets us off then.

0:23:040:23:06

So Baroness what's-her-name is the odd one out cos she's the only one

0:23:060:23:09

who's never been compared to Hitler.

0:23:090:23:13

They've all been likened to Hitler apart from Baroness Warsi

0:23:130:23:16

who has recently been likened to Goebbels.

0:23:160:23:19

I have to show a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.

0:23:190:23:22

I'm on tenterhooks.

0:23:220:23:24

Yeah, sort of.

0:23:270:23:29

He wants to get rid of that 'pole' in front of it, by the way.

0:23:290:23:32

APPLAUSE

0:23:340:23:37

The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler...

0:23:390:23:42

Well, a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.

0:23:460:23:50

His name of course is Adolphish.

0:23:500:23:56

This allowed the Sun to dust off some photos from the website...

0:23:560:24:00

Would you like to see a picture of Mein Fuhrer?

0:24:020:24:04

That's fantastically good.

0:24:100:24:13

It looks more sinister than Hitler.

0:24:130:24:16

I'd rather have Hitler on my lap than that cat.

0:24:160:24:19

You know your own business best.

0:24:200:24:23

Time for the missing words round...

0:24:230:24:25

..To tour with Smashing Pumpkins.

0:24:280:24:30

APPLAUSE

0:24:300:24:33

These are melons that exploded as a result of a growth chemical.

0:24:390:24:42

A story which caused total panic in the Katie Price household.

0:24:420:24:46

That cartoon of Mohammed.

0:24:510:24:53

Don't broadcast that. It was just for us.

0:24:530:24:57

No, no. Just for you, just for you.

0:24:570:25:00

APPLAUSE

0:25:000:25:03

A group of Finnish lawyers has suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover women eating

0:25:090:25:15

ice creams provocatively in front of male colleagues.

0:25:150:25:18

I wouldn't do that. I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.

0:25:180:25:22

Do you get a 99 with that?

0:25:300:25:33

Or cheese and pickle, the choice is yours.

0:25:350:25:38

The furry dolphin, the cheese and pickle, what do you want?

0:25:380:25:42

The answer is...

0:25:450:25:47

Rare.

0:25:500:25:52

Herr Haha.

0:25:540:25:56

I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.

0:25:560:25:59

There's some survey, ranking countries how funny they are,

0:25:590:26:02

the Germans came bottom.

0:26:020:26:04

It was voted for, largely, by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.

0:26:060:26:12

The Germans are not a funny race. Knock, knock.

0:26:120:26:14

Who's there? The Gestapo. That's it.

0:26:140:26:18

We're going to have the German ambassador complaining

0:26:200:26:24

to this programme again.

0:26:240:26:25

ACCENTED: For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.

0:26:250:26:28

Told to get to the end of the 'cue'.

0:26:390:26:41

APPLAUSE

0:26:410:26:43

Told he needs a break.

0:26:450:26:47

You're going to do them all.

0:26:490:26:50

Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.

0:26:500:26:53

Screw back for the brown.

0:26:530:26:55

Has learnt his lesson.

0:26:570:26:59

Will not sit by a snooker table yawning.

0:27:000:27:04

I'm going to win that contest.

0:27:090:27:12

Photograph in there, go on!

0:27:130:27:15

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:160:27:19

Big tall guy and little small guy go on a trip.

0:27:210:27:25

Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity.

0:27:280:27:34

Sarge, we thought this would be

0:27:340:27:35

quicker than turning the place upside down.

0:27:350:27:38

APPLAUSE

0:27:380:27:40

I leave you with news of a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.

0:27:420:27:47

In Alabama, the inquest begins as to who put their new denim jeans in the washing machine.

0:27:540:27:58

At a meeting of the G8 countries, there's a tense moment

0:28:030:28:06

as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.

0:28:060:28:11

In Windsor, there's evidence squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.

0:28:140:28:18

Good night.

0:28:220:28:24

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0:28:410:28:44

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0:28:440:28:47

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