Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Stephen Mangan.


In the news this week, China, responding to international


pressure, Apple grudgingly allow their factory workers out for a


five-minute tea break. On the Costa del Sol, as an East


End gang, burst into a bank with Shaun-off shotguns, the safe


cracker realises he has overslept. And in Westminster, Eric Pickles


finally gets round to cleaning the fluff out of his belly button.


It's delicious on toast. With Ian tonight is a writer and


broadcaster, who says she hates people who are chronically pedantic


over puntuation. Hang on, on Ian as team, comma, welcome Grace Dent.


And with Paul tonight is the son of a vicar who studied divinity at


university, plays a Church of England lay reader in the sitcom


Rev, and is odds on to become the Archbishop of Canterbury, Miles


Jupp. And we start with the bigger


stories of the week. Ian and Grace take a look at this.


Tax return. Never a welcome sight. "no tax due", that is a Downing


Street kitchen supper. There is George Osborne. Not having a good


time. He's just spotted some tax someone's paid. Very, very small.


Essentially Osborne was incredibly amazed to find a lot of rich people


and companies don't pay any tax. It was a discovery right up there with


gravity and DNA. This is the shock news that many people try to avoid


paying tax. My favourite is one senior Tory Party donor spent a


night in a private jet, flying from Luton Airport out of British


Aerospace to avoid staying in the country for more than 90 days, thus


qualifying as a resident abroad for tax purps. In a plane. -- Purposes.


In a plane? Could he not teter a balloon. You have to leave the


airspace. You can't just jump up and down. London Luton is so far


away from London is it is in international airspace? He flew


from Luton out of London Air space. If you set down anywhere they get


you for tax. It is more enjoyable as a rich person and go nowhere,


sit in an airport saying you're saving money, they are a miserable


bunch. When it comes to tax, what does every politician want?


declare their own tax affairs and make them public. Transparency?


Exactly. What do they mean in this case? We are not going to do it.


They mean revealing a small amount of information that doesn't mean


too much. You put income in, if income isn't your big thing, say


assets, say you are in the cabinet, thinking randomly, then you don't


have to declare those. Transparency up to a point, which is opaque!


Make as lot of sense, yes, according to the Guardian there is


an agreement between Cameron and Osborne that all senior ministers


should be transparent. Let's hope they don't mean Eric


Pickles. According to the Express, Cameron


is relaxed about revealing his income tax he returns. According to


the Telegraph, George Osborne says he hasn't set his face against it.


Which face does he use when he sets his face against it, does he use


this face. Or this face? Or this face? So why


is it all kicking off, what started this rumpus? It is Ken Livingstone,


it was discovered that Ken had said that people who avoid tax are rich


bastard who is shouldn't be allowed to vote. It turned out he pay as


lot of money into a company, which is not taxed at 40%, but corporate


tax at 21%, a lot of people thought he's avoiding tax, what a bastard.


Then there was a fight between him and Boris. In a radio station?


lift. Did he call him a lying banker. I think it was the F-word.


So a BEEP lying banker. He's one of our finest banks. You are very


close. Boris screamed into Ken's face, you are a beeping liar.


Presumably a phrase Boris picked up from his wife! How is Ken's


election campaign going? Well, he was shown a film of himself this


week, and he was absolutely moved to tears by the image of himself,


just people talking about how wonderful he was. He had a little


cry. Not just a little cry, a proper cry.


It was like a cartoon bear cry. He's saying, I don't believe you're


leader of the Labour Party! would be interesting to know what


Miliband is smelling at that particular moment! I met Ken just


before Christmas, I was doing a panel with him, as part of that


panel I was given, someone gave me a gift of the copy of the Koran,


afterwards I went into the Green Room, and Ken was sitting on the


arm of a sofa, I was carrying the Koran and biro, he looked up at me,


and Aspel a joke I said would you sign it for me Ken, and he took it


from me and said, yeah, and I know have quite an inflammatory bit of


literature in some people's eyes. Which trendy, ultra, touchy-feely


companies have been avoiding tax? Amazon, who have made �7 billion


and paid no corporate sales tax. That's perfectly reasonable, that


is a tax rate of 0%, they have made billions of pounds and they pay no


tax, what's your problem. There is a difference between avoidance and


evasion. You would evade. I would not. I might evade. I'm not Ken


Livingstone, you know. Amazon is under investigation by UK tax


authorities for registering its UK sales operation in Luxembourg,


claiming only its distribution arm is in the UK. In 2010 they would


have paid �35 million in UK tax, but they managed to reduce that


slightly to...nothing. Google are using a Dutch Sandwich,


have you tried a Dutch Sandwich, Ian? Em... Google's UK operation is


based in Ireland, where the rate of tax is half that of Britain, they


fundamental the profits via the Netherlands to Bermuda, that


enables them to pay a tax rate of a quarter of one per cent. If you


Google tax, does it give you nothing? Right, moving from a tax


on the rich and privileged to A-ta cks on the rich and trif lijed.


Anyone swimming. Trenton Oldfield swam into the middle of the Thames


and stopped the boat race. He was encouraging anarchist cleaners to


not put toilet paper in the toilets of rich people. They would wipe


their bums with poor people. Someone postered this on YouTube of


Trenton in action. Trenton, Trenton, Trenton.


Trenton. Right, Trenton.


Oh Jesus Christ. The crowd were angry, according to


the Mail they shouted "boo", and "take him to the tower".


And most devastatingly of all, "is it David Walliams?"! This is the


row over tax avoidance by the rich, or as they are known since the


budget, the richer. According to a recent poll:


The other 40% don't follow current affairs.


Adding to the heartbreak of the rich, this week was Trenton


Oldfield, who disrupted the boat race. To be honest, it is not the


first sighting of a turd in the Thames.


Yes, this was the 158th boat race, shown live on the BBC, according to


the Sun, millions of TV viewers watched in stunned silence or


posted angry messages on Twitter, and then a bloke appeared in the


water to liven things up. Paul and Miles, some recent history for you.


This is the pasty-gate story, David Cameron and the Sunday Times


filming this bloke Cruddas, jerry cans, fill it up with petrol, if


you haven't one, put it in your mouth. Francis Maude giving


ridiculous advice to store petrol in sheds, or second houses. Just


absolute nightmare situation, where people are doing this, it is very


dangerous. This is the thing about, if you can't store it in your


garage, store it in a pasty, at least you know where it is. As long


as you don't heat it up, you won't pay 20% tax, or, indeed, blow your


house up. It is pasties and petrol, I'm not never she which is which.


look back at recent Government gaffes, involving the price of


pasties, the panic buying of petrol, and the total pill lock, Peter


Cruddas. How did George Osborne turn a pasty into a hot potato?


There is some rule, if you buy it cold it is so much money, if it is


heated up you pay 20% extra, it is now an ambient pasty, warmer than


room temperature. Paul is right, if you queue for the pasty while it is


warmed up and it goes cold again, it does this at the graph with what


you have to pay. At the beginning of the queue it is 20% up, and then


at the end of the queue it is cold it is 20% down. If you take it home


and it is cold, you are owed a rebate. It is a terrifically well


thought out piece of legislation. After accusations that the


Government was out-of-touch with ordinary people's love of pasties,


what was David Cameron quick to announce? He said he had one


recently. He said it he one in Leeds, and it no longer exists for


the last five years, they were relegated from the Premiership and


the area was dismandled. It is real acting talent, for all those people.


Ed Milliband meetly went with Ed Balls to Greggs, and they both ate


a pie, and the Tory cabinet had to all go there, "what is this?".


you seen the size of the volume will you vents, they are huge, is


there anybody in there. Do you eat pasties? I commute, and


I was keen for that tax to go up to �1 million, the train I go on is


blokes with too much to drink having a pasty shoving it in their


face trying to soak it up. I'm sitting there trying to do the


cross words, 20 minutes into the journey, nothing. Sometimes I fill


in anything, to make people opposite me think I can do it.


That's a sad life you conjure up there, these pasty-chomping, beer-


soaked individuals, you are trying to impress by doing the cross word.


There is issues of self-esteem here. Very sad. Was it in first class


that people sit opposite you eating pasties. It is not first class, it


is ordinary. Travelling standard? Yeah. Don't you feel threatened?


has his own train! David Cameron said he loved a hot pasty, and had


indeed bought one from the west Cornwall Pasty Company, he went on


to tell this highly amusing anecdote. I seem to remember I was


in Leeds Station at the time, the choice was whether to have one of


the small ones or the large one, I have a feeling I opted for the


large one and very good it was too. I think he was talking about the


pasties there, not Leeds Station's wide variety of prostitutes. So was


that an end? What did you say then? I didn't say anything. You are


miming to a backing tape. I was out of British Aerospace at that time.


Was that an end to the matter? Probably not. Everyone jumped on


the bandwagon, a spokesman announced that Nick Clegg had eaten


a pasty in the last few months at Paddington station.


How big was it, if it's taken him a few months to eat it.


He was waiting for Ian to turn up with the crossword. Ed Davey, the


Energy Secretary, Lib Dem, announced he loves Cornish pasties,


and once worked in a pork pie factory. Now he works in an even


bigger one! We also saw Peter Cruddas, who was the Tory Party co-


treasurer, what was he offering to feet to David Cameron? Money.


Donors, you have to have dinner with Cameron if you paid enough


money. You could influence Government policy for literally


�250,000. Labour should have put up somebody, paid �250,000 go, in


there, influence Government policy. Easy, don't win an election.


Cruddas was secretly filmed offering access to David Cameron in


exchange for large donations to the Tory Party, and offering to feed


their suggestions in. Let's have a look. �200,000, �250,000 is Premier


League. If you are unhappy about something, we will listen to you,


and put it into the policy committee at Number Ten. We feed


all feedback into the policy committee.


What you can't see is he's talking to Nick Clegg! According to the


Sunday Times Peter Cruddas boasted that he had flattered one donor,


Lord Glendonbrook, into making a million pound donation, how did he


do that? He said he would put him on the bank notes. It was a pyjama


party at Number Ten, �250,000 gets you dinner, if you pay more, you


can stay on for the...entertainment. They get a bit drunk, there is a


bottle of whatever, they say let's play twister, and they go, I've


forgotten my trousers, it is one of those nights.


They go, it is a bit late, why don't you stay, I haven't got any


pyjamas, and it doesn't matter. will put the central heating on,


you wake up in the morning feeling so...oh sorry! He flattered him


into doing it by presenting him with a birthday card, personally


signed by David Cameron. When the undercover reporters asked what


tactics he had used to persuade the Prime Minister to make the gesture.


He replied, I told Number Ten, get him to sign the frigg ing card. The


spotlight was on other donors, Baron Laidlaw has naid donations


totalling �3 million, but heeped imbarsment on when admitting he was


an orgy loving sex addict, Mr Cameron was forced to withdraw the


whip! How did Francis Maude deftly manage to distract attention from


the damage being done by pasties and Peter Cruddas? Put petrol in


your bath! Drink as much of it as you can, keep it in your hat. Is


there a spare pram in the hallway the children are growing out of,


cover it in petrol, and push it outside on a hot sunny day, with


magnified glass above it. Make your children wear paper clothes. All


that sort of stuff. He suggested that a bit of extra


fuel in a injurey can in the garage is a sensible precaution to take.


Instead of rushesing to the garage to panic buy petrol, thousands


rushed to Halfords to panic buy jerry cans, sales of which went up


500%. Having given his verdict on the


utter stupidity of panic buying petrol, he added, he was sitting in


the queue for an hour. This is the run of scandals, including pasty-


gate, dinner-gate, and the totally unnecessary panic over petrol,


caused by ill-advised comments of Francis Maude-gate. David Cameron


now claims he always has an end of the day pasty on the train.


David, that's a beef Wellington! David Cameron claimed to have had a


pastey and a Yorkshire pasty shop that had closed five years earlier,


just after Eric Pickles moved from Yorkshire to London.


As panic-buying continued, one AA man reported seeing a 75-year-old


woman at a petrol station filling up 20 empty paint tins, and a tray


of jam jars. Which sounds mad, but to be fair,


it is the only way to store it, as she didn't have a car.


Time now for the odd one out round. Your four are, the First Lady of


Syria, Asma Al-Assad, Anthony Worrall-Thompson, a passenger


aboard a private jet at Luton Airport, and the on-line shopper,


Mr Cheo. She does on-line shopping, you can see what she has been


treating herself to while thousands are being killed. It would get you


down. Anthony Worrall-Thompson shops with the five-fringeered


discount. What does that mean? Nicking stuff. Different world,


innit, me and you. Who is the guy, he's buying things?


He's an on-line shopper, that's the clue. He's shopping on-line, I


reckon. It's like watching Sherlock homes


at his finest. Teasing out the truth from a slender strand of clue.


They are all candidates to become the next director-general. What,


including Luton Airport. Is it tax? It is to do with paying? He doesn't


pay. She hasn't paid any of her bills? Not quite. We don't know!


The general air of gloom and despondancy we add to, we don't


know either. They have all avoided paying the full amount, apart from


an on-line shopper, named Mr Cheo, who paid a total of $12 million


Taiwanese dollars to buy a croissant over the Internet. How


did he do that? Pressed button of do you want to pay millions for


this, and he pressed the button. translates as �250,000? Dinner with


David Cameron. It wasn't a Nigerian writing to him saying would you


like one of the fine croissants. You have inherited the croissants?


Your uncle, Greggs the baker has died. He kept paying over and over


again, after a number of phone calls asking for repayments from


the skound reels, before his bank details were used to fleece him out


of cash. He ended up paying �250,000? He couldn't have done.


Where would he get it from. He's obviously a very rich man. How can


anybody that stupid, unless he has inherited it, I have �250,000, I


ain't half hungry, I'll have one of them. The fact is, he never


received his croissant. It just gets worse and worse.


What was Asma Al-Assad trying to get out of paying for? It was a


ming vase, costing �3, 400, she sent details of the vase to the


family's London-based fixer, he responded saying bought it, 15%


discount, delivery ten weeks. She faces a two-year prison sentence


because her shopping spree may have broken financial sanctions imposed


on her husband. Still 15%, eh. Anthony Worrall-Thompson was caught


shoplifting from Tescos, it was three onions and two tubs of


discounted coleslaw. The toughest set of ingredients on Ready Steady


Cook. We have talked about the passengers abroad the jet at Luton


Airport, an unknown Tony donor! Tony donor, the passenger who had


was an unnamed Tory donor, who frequently caught a helicopter to


Luton Airport before zooming out of UK airspace in a private jet to


avoid paying his full tax. Asma Al- Assad's parents were originally


from Homs, the house they lived in is now commemorated with a large


crater. She used to be an investment banker, one of the very


few bankers to move on to something even more evil. Time now for the


missing words round, which this week features as its guest


pibcation Raisin Views, the voice of the raisin industry, I'm a


regular subscriber, as are all of its subscribers.


Tom Jones! A state of indecision? The answer is, woman trapped in


flat-pack wardrobe for 90 minutes. This is one of the many unusual


calls revealed by the Leicester fire brigade, including a man with


his toe stuck in the bath tap, after his wife said don't stick the


toe in the pwhat tap. Sadly, she was stuck in a wardrobe at the time


so he didn't hear. Footballers are what according to a new study?


are actually highly intelligent. That is correct, a Swedish study


has found footballers are more intelligent than previously thought.


As if to prove it, here is Burnley defender Clarke Carlyle appearing


on countdown, some what less impressive when the word he game up


with was "go". Cabbie nieces and what? And,


immediately apologises. Cabbie sneezes and takes wrong turn


into a canal? Cabbie sneezes and wrecks a monument. He drove and


careered into a 15th century monument, the monument in cheddar


is cordoned off, leaving heartbroken residents with nothing


to piss against on their way home from the pub. Popular raisin


seminars teach new recipes using what? There is to chance we will


get this. Even showing it to us is an insult really. I think you will


kick yourself when you find out what it is? Raisins, raisins and


more raisins. That is the right answer! Pret much.


One speaker at the seminar was a member of the National Dried Fruit


Association, Christopher Longbottom, that is dried fruit for you.


Finally, you want babies, my girl? Then don't take...Your Tights off,


do take your tights off! Don't keep your tights on. Don't use raisins


as a contraceptive, they fall out. The answer is you want babies my


girl, then don't hit your lover in the face. This is the news that the


Edinburgh Zoo pandas are more prone to slap anticle. This is another


panda in the USA behaving in a more disturbing manner. There he is,


there's a panda. (children crying). Wait a second.


Aren't children stupid. So the final scores are Paul and


Miles with seven points, but the winners this week are Ian and Grace


with eight. But before we go, there is just


time for the caption competition. Would you live in the greater


London area. And I will leave you with the news that with the race to


the Mayor of London hots up, one of the candidates resorts to a Putin-


style of campaigning. As Alan titch mash's latest novel is turned into


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