Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand. In the

news this week: In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm is boosted

about I a high profile customer for its new arse elbow separator.

It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs and all

Britain's exhausted contestant has to do to clinch the title of world

And after one garden shed burglary too many, the Godalming

Neighboourhood Watch group get sheerious.

-- serious. With Ian tonight is a comedian who

says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice. Really? That's

odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC tell me they

couldn't stand you. Please welcome Humphrey Ker.

Clapton -- With Paul is a comedy writer who

recently created a new verse of The Ladykillers, where a sweet old lady

finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits. I know the feeling.

Please welcome Natalie Lenton. -- Graham Linehan.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Look at this:

It's Abu Qatada. Surrounded by a miasma of hate. She's staying to

become the next Archbishop of Canterbury. This is the week where

the Government was keen to get back its reputation for competence and

it didn't go so well. We announced we were going to get rid of Abu

Qatada. He's off, on Tuesday. Today we find out, oh, we can't, because

he's put in an appeal. The Home Office said he to appeal by Monday

night and the European Court of Human Rights said, no it's Tuesday

night. No-one appears to have checked. It's a classic diary error.

We've all done it. Which day is the 17th? Monday I think. I'll check

when I get home. Well a correct answer actually is when the court

official who's actually set the deadline say it is. I notice his

lawyers only put the appeal in one hour before the deadline. They just

love living on the edge. I imagine it's in the a lot of fun being a

human rights lawyer. You've got to live vicariously when you have the

chance. What Abu Qatada's done wrong is he's not got the right

sort of PR behind him. If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,

people might not be quite so keen to, I think get the cock niz to

like him first. I'd like to have my own theme tune as well. We should

all have one. What would yours be? I'd like the sound of broken

tkphras followed by a high pitched female voice saying, "Leave it Dave,

he's not worth it." Dow know how Abu Qatada has been described in

the press? He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.

Times described him as "radical Muslim cleric" the Sun as "hate

preacher", the Daily Telegraph as Mr Qatada.

The grand chamber of the European Court of Human Rights previously

ruled he couldn't be sent home to Jordan as there was a likelihood

that evidence obtained by torture against him. The government there

send they would bend over backwards to ensure that no evidence gotten

that way would be used. What have they accused Theresa May of?

Dragging her heels. Here's the Because of that we missed the

deadline. Meanwhile, what has the Libyan

military commander Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of

doing? Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured. He was basically a

gift to Gaddafi. Blir and Straw needed a present for their

favourite dictator, you know, maybe they'd get one in return, oil

rights or a bun when you leave office. That won't go in.

Extraordinary suggesting that Mr Blair has made a huge amount of

money since leaving a blood stained period when he was in charge. I do

this man is suing Straw personally and he might win. We could find out

what happened in the Blair years, which is quite exciting. For some

of us. I've had my house extraordinarily rendered.

LAUGHTER Or stone clad as the builder called

it. The rendition of Belhadj took place just before Tony Blair met

Gaddafi for the deal in the desert. According to the Sunday Times he

had no recollection of the Belhadj case and went on to ask "What war

in Iraq? "In other terrorism news, I'm sorry, we have to plough this

furrow further, not for long. all for it. We'll have a big knob

on in a minute. What's that? Paul, I don't know, I just said knob to

lighten the atmosphere. I thought it was a marathon all into one word.

That was the only way I would watch the Olympics. What? If there was a

knob on. In other terrorism news, I'm not going to do this, but a

Taliban commander has been arrested. Was this as a result of a

complicated undercover operation? The odds of that must surely be no.

The answer surely is no. Mohammad Ashan walked up to the checkpoint,

held up a wanted poster bearing his own face and demanded the $100

finder's fee. That is a classic mistake.

should have held out for $200. official declared, clearly the man

is an imbecile. How are we getting on with the

noise of the broken glass for my noise. I don't know, is that coming

along? No. Who would like to see the next

President of the World Bank in action? Yes! No, I wouldn't.

His name is Jim Yong Kim and Obama has just announced his appointment

as head of the World Bank. It's in # I've had the time of my life

# And I've never felt this way before

# And I swear it's the truth # And I owe it all to you #

Half man, half pillar box. A real banker. He's down with the interest

rates. APPLAUSE

What's he in charge of? The World Bank. He's in charge of all the

money? So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.

And now we've got lined up for you what you suggested earlier. What

was yours again? I'd like the sound of a goat doing franc Sinatra.

Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.

LAUGHTER Have you got it? I'd like it to be

a lorry driving through Cornwall. APPLAUSE

On a Wednesday. Have you got it? this is the latest attempt to

deport Abu Qatada. Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge

said "There is a real possibility he will abscond." Yes, the last

thing we want him to do is leave the country.

LAUGHTER Theresa May is looking for ways of

speeding up Qatada's extradition and says she will be "examining the

processes and procedures used in Italy". Where they're much tougher.

Any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.

Talking about his past, the Sun found a school friend who told them

Qatada was a normal young man. He was interested in girls and

listened to Pink Floyd. So very normal, except with him the girls

got stoned after they listened to Pink Floyd.

LAUGHTER Paul and Graham, look at this:

is 100 days to go. These are visitors at the Olympic Stadium.

What the bloody hell is going on here? That's a very bad camera

that's been used bit BBC. You can't see what's happened. This is the

Olympic Games, 97 days to go or if you're watching on a Dave three

years ago, and what an extraordinary Games they turned out

to be. Yeah, this is the news that it's

not long till the Olympics or as it's known in the Independent, the

�11 billion tax funded advertising campaign for some of the world's

worst companies. APPLAUSE

Does anyone know why that VT was pixillated at the end? It's copy

writed. That's right. Beneath that there is the Olympic rings. In some

cultures the rings are considered pornographic. I think that's what's

under there. Are you going to unpixillate it?

I'm not going to chance it. It's pixillated because we can't show

the Olympic logo because it comes under the remit of two acts of

Parliament preventing misuse of Olympic logos. We could have got

permission, but I would have had to jump through all sorts of hoops.

Didn't they go into the toilets, in China and if you get a hand drier

they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company who do the

hand driers. They're doing that here, yes in the toilets, soap

dispensers, wash basins. You can't take in any drifrpbs or product

that isn't sponsored, which will be tough for the Queen. Why? She's a

brand. I see what you mean. I thought you meant she like aid

McDonald's burger. She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we

speak. The athletes aren't allowed to tweet. There's hard core

guidelines about what they can say about what they're doing, like they

can't say, oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water. It has to be like I

love super action megawater. Isn't there something about local

businesses like the Olympic kebab grill or something that's been

forced to change its name in case people think, I wonder if that's

the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games. The Olympic cafe in

Stratford was told he couldn't use the name and he'd have to change

the sign. It would have cost three grand to change it. So he decided

to make the necessary alterations That's very good. He's painted the

"O" out. The cafe Olympic is excellent value at 61 West Ham lane

Stratford. Now there's... Dow have to book? You probably do now.

Little Chef were told they should consider changing the name of their

Olympic breakfast. No, really? as it was unhelpful to the 2012

Olympics. Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast. There

it is. That's a magnificent effort. Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, sausage,

tomatoes and beans or as I call it the modern heptathalon. Who won't

be able to accept his invitation to the opening ceremony? It's me. I'm

going to be washing my hair. Does that take all day? Would can't

come? The Who's drummer Keith Moon. His mannier was asked by the

organisers if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of

the band, despite having been dead for 34 years.

Doesn't stop the rolling stones! Wouldn't put it past Keith though.

Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it, that he was

playing the drums and he just starts kind of nodding off. A roady

had to crawl onto the stage and inject his heel with amfet mins and

he went... Back to life. Like the rabbit with the long lasting

batteries. BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include

what? Rings. Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics will no

longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week. I found out

that Diana died on Ceefax. I still don't know how she died because the

second page hasn't loaded yet. This is the marking of 100 days to

go till the Olympics start. Even more excitingly, 116 till it's all

over. And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of

legacy which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt. The closing ceremony

will feature songs which represent different eras of British music.

According to the Independent an invitation to the Sex Pistols to

represent punk has been declined, as it clashes with the filming of

Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert. And so to round two. It's a

welcome return to the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers.

That's pippa Middleton, with a gun. That's pippa Middleton, with a gun.

So it is. She's not holding the gun. Nicely focused picture for someone

about to be shot. The name's Middleton. This is in Paris. We

presume it's a mock gun. It's unclear. Someone in the car worked

for the gun manufacturing company called heckler and cock. Heckler

and cock? That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic. I think she

had an experience like that at the comedy store. You couldn't go on

for the second half. At the weekend it was considered slightly

distasteful -- tasteful. He got the gun out from the -- distasteful. He

got the gun out and wave today around at the paparazzi, in a good

humoured threat "You might die". What could the punishment be if the

gun turns out to be real? Seven years. In prison for all parties

involved. Everyone in the car? Really. You're looking really

chirpy now. Really? That would be a first. We'd have to extradite pippa.

Apparently, the case is being dealt with at according to the Express, a

very high level. Way over Sarkozy's head then.

This is the news that pippa Middleton has been driving through

Paris with a French Playboy brandishing a gun. Now it's Pippa's

turn to be upstaged by an arse. Kate and Pippa's brother James has

been revealed to be running a saucy cake business. He insists he's a

self--made man and recently said nothing is handed to anyone on a

plate. He clearly knows nothing about cakes then.

Speaking of cakes, the Swedish culture minister was in trouble

this week, after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist

cake. The cake was designed to highlight abuse of women and was

shaped like a naked black woman. Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped

making those in the 1970s. Fingers on buzzers. Somebody has

invented a TV channel for dogs, where dogs have nothing to do and

you think, I wish he could watch a TV programme and somebody's done it.

It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,

loads of trees, dogs look at it and they are happy. It's Dog TV all the

way. It is indeed. APPLAUSE

According to Sky News Dog TV is an on-demand cable TV pro Graeme...

who, a labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind? Before

launching the channel, scientists conducted hundreds of hours of

research into what dogs like to see and hear. Any idea what they might

have concluded? They're fond of David Dimbleby, particularly Jack

Russells they like him very much. The smaller the dog, the more they

lean towards Andrew Marr. I must say this about Andrew Marr,

I've said it before, but I love there was a description of Andrew

Marr that said Andrew Marr looks like Martin cluen was some of the

air let out of him. -- cluens with some of the air let

out of him. Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV?

Yes, a load of made up programmes with dog puns in the title.

Britain's got lampposts. All right sorry. Are these real? No. What

about Down Boy Abbey? That's good. The channel takes its

responsibilities very seriously. Only after the 9pm water shed does

it show bottom sniffing. Fingers on buzzers.

I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate

name that astrisk and letter upside down letter should give you the

idea. This is the village holding a vote this week on whether to hold

its name. Dow know what's prompted the name change? Is it the name is

(BLEEP). It only became a problem during the

Second World War when American soldiers came in and started

giggling all the time. Apparently some traditionalists want the 16th

century name to the village reinstated which was Fugging.

What's the potential problem? don't fugging know.

According to the mayor, the only problem is we need all of the

(BLEEP) residents to agree. The residents have been told to

lighten up and cash in by the man who runs a guest house in the Swiss

village of Bank. Mr Stohl added the guest house is full all year round.

Single rooms only of course. It's time now for the odd one out round.

Just one between you this week. Mitt Romney's dog, sigh series of

ads claiming homosexuality is curable, a pheasant in

Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam. That poster, not gay,

ex-gay, post gay, proud, get over it, was on the side of a bus or it

was going to be and then Boris banned it. That traffic cop, there

ways story about him jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket. He

was on the side of a bus. Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck

to the side of a bus. No, he went on a bus, the dog. He put his dog

in a crate on top of his car and drove it many hundreds of miles.

it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle. This This pheasant is the

official driver for the 2012 Olympics. I think it's one of those

birds who commutes from Nottingham to Lincoln or something like that.

It's a regular thing. I think the poster is the only thing that's not

been on a moving vehicle. We were getting there! You're all right.

Yes, it's... It's not the Lib Dem conference, come on. I wish it was.

Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg. Really? Yeah, face down on

Hackney marshes. APPLAUSE

You weren't quite right about the pheasant. But the Vietnamese

traffic cop was Man Fan. I know. I'm not gay I'm just a man fan.

he was seen clinging to the front of a bus. Who wants to see him in

It looks like an on the buses, dad's Army mash up. Did anyone

catch what he was shouting there? Stop filming me. When is the next

request stop? According to the Times he was heard yelling "call

the police". A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40 mile

trip after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill. He's made a

full recovery. They've travelled on the outside of a vehicle apart from

the ad campaign, which wasn't allowed to appear on buses. The

Mayor of London banned the ads having always been a champion of

gay women or as he calls them, a challenge.

Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car with the

family dog on the roof or as his dog called it, the ruuff. Sorry. In

a similar incident George W Bush put his dog on the roof before

travelling. Sadly that was on Air Force One.

LAUGHTER A traffic cop was seen clinging to

the front of a speeding bus. Here he is, as we've seen, the bus was

driven and stopped by a traffic cop. It was captured on video by ang On

Tightly. LAUGHTER

Time for the missing words round, which this week features, as its

guest publication, Blaze. The lighter magazine, if it was about

something interesting, which would no doubt be heavier. We start with

flat kick arm with nipple rivet and hex ago nal nut what? Seekuals one

hell of a night! -- Equals one hell of a night! What? Chocolate. That

sounds like a good night out. flat kick arm with nipple rivet and

hex ago nal nut, a pleasant surprise. Next, man wearing

umbrella hat what? Still a virgin at 44. Has umbrella handle sticking

out of his bottom. The answer is man wearing umbrella hat struck by

lightning twice. This is Matt Wilkes who bought a

hat on e bai -- i bay and was hit twice by lite nieng. He was going

it a fancy dress pub crawl. Not sure what he was going as,

presumably a. Shock as what comes back from the dead? Ann Widdicombe.

The answer is hamster. What news does he have of life beyond the

veil. Golden wheels. Run into the light! I can't! After being buried

the hamster dug himself out of his grave. This story has upset a lot

of children, but if you're watching kids, don't worry, it can't happy

with Jimmy Saville. LAUGHTER

So the final scores are: Paul and Graham have five and Ian and

Humphrey have seven. APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. It's a

freeze frame. David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he

likes it. On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian

Hislop and Humphrey Ker, Paul Merton and Graham Linehan. I leave

you with news that the Japanese government announces that after the

melt down, the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant are once

more full of salmon. Just as he thinks he's found the

perfect picnic spot, there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.