Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE. Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm

Damian Lewis. In the news this week: In a local branch of

Waterstones, one customer was disappointed to discover they had

no more copies of the latest Razzle In London, engineers working on the

CrossRail tunnel fear they may have veered a bit too close to the

surface. And after describing David Cameron

and George Osborne as "arrogant posh boys who are out of touch",

Nadine Dorries is invited to discuss the matter over a kitchen

supper at Number Ten. It's still going!

With Ian tonight is a naturalist and broadcaster who has been seen

on Springwatch, Autumnwatch and if he lurks round in people's gardens

much longer - Crimewatch! Please welcome, Chris Packham.

APPLAUSE. And, with Paul tonight, a Scottish

comedien who grew up in Glasgow then worked as a lawyer in America

with convicts on death row. Though they still have a longer life

expectancy than people in Glasgow. LAUGHTER.

Please welcome, Susan Coleman. APPLAUSE.

And, we start with the biggest stories of the week. Please take a

look at this. Oh yes, this is our friend, Jeremy, Jeremy Hunt. He's

got into a lot of bother there. This is the rather subtle illusions

is that he regarded himself as a cheerleader for the Murdoch empire.

Some puppet heads, James Murdoch, Rupert Murdoch. And a kiss from

Judas! LAUGHTER.

I am a bit embarrassed about this because Jeremy what's his name,

came to see one of my shows in Edinburgh a couple of years ago. I

wouldn't deliberately mislead anybody, so I'm quite willing to

believe everything he says! LAUGHTER.

About you and David Cameron? Yes. If the Prime Minister thinks

he's OK, that's good enough for me. I'm quite naive about these things.

The Prime Minister's had a very good track record. Andy Coulson was

OK. He was OK wasn't he? Yes. he wasn't. Until he wasn't. What is

your reading of the situation, Mr Hislop? I don't think the

Government will come out very well from this. It does appear they were

so far Mr Murdoch's bottom, you could not see any of their heads.

This is the Leveson inquiry and it was a shocking day. Mr Hunt was the

culture secretary, in charge of the bid for BSkyB. Yet, his office was

giving information all the way through to the Murdochs. Why hasn't

he gone? He is there as a firewall. If he goes, Mr Cameron is looking

very shaky. It's like that thing of when everybody gets annoyed with

each other and they end up kicking the dog. James Hunt has dismissed

his private adviser. James Hunt?! LAUGHTER. Why am I asking this man?

He has got no idea. He is confusing a former racing driver with the

culture secretary. If you're going to get his name wrong, it's best to

get his first name wrong rather than his second. I think I was

trying hard not to get his second name wrong. You are all right in

the zone. This is the news the Leveson Inquiry has finally perked

up at long last. What do you mean, finally perked up? There have been

some notably excellent... Witness statements. You were in the happy

position of having nothing to hide? I had no idea it was going to get

this good. Murdoch today, selective amnesia? Fabulous! The medics must

be having a field day. Can you remember anything about phone

hacking? No, no. Can you remember how badly all the politicians have

behaved? Yeah, I bloody well can! It's a one-man show this.

what's emerged about the culture secretary, Jeremy Hunt, and a SPAD

called, Adam Smith. It is that thing that you sack the person

below you. Jeremy Hunt sacked him, Cameron will sack Jeremy Hunt and

then we will sack Cameron. And then everyone will be happy.

LAUGHTER. A bit difficult to believe Jeremy

Hunt doesn't know anything from his special adviser? The explanation is,

it was just one rogue adviser. It is a Channel Five movie in the

making isn't it? Rogue Special Adviser! You could take over the

part of Adam Smith, I don't know if you would like it? There is less

nudity, I don't know? I do like to be nude if I can be. I know, I have

watched Homeland. I will never watch it again with my mother after

the first episode. Why, was she in LAUGHTER.

It was just a shock when I watched it. I have seen more of Damian's

body than I have of any man in my life, to be honest. It is lovely.

Well done. LAUGHTER.

In the cachet of e-mails, what does Mr Hunt think? What does Mr Hunt

think? There seems to be a tiny moment when it is not going

Murdoch's way. So there is another e-mail saying, Rebecca Brooks has

rang up the chancellor, George Osborne. So, essentially they've

just gone over his head. It is quite shocking in its way. Aren't

you shocked? I'm terribly shocked. You watch badgers most of the time.

I've been watching too many badgers this week. I've clearly missed

something absolutely intriguing on the television.

LAUGHTER. I'm amazed how assiduously you

obviously watched this. It's giving you a great deal of trouble isn't

it? This is what interests me. Of course, you watch the foxes and say,

"look, he is going in the hole". And then you sit there for three

and a half months, then you say, "look, he's coming out again".

the fox comes out it's not the same fox, and we just lie about it.

LAUGHTER. What's French Fred? He is the PR

man who is working for Murdoch. Who is writing half of these e-mails.

That's right. And by way of illustration here is an e-mail from

Frederic Michel to his boss, James One e-mail brought gasps from

people at the Leveson Inquiry when it was read out by Robert Jay. I

love Robert Jay, QC. I'm developing a bit of man love for him. It's the

way he goes through the tabs isn't it? "I believe this is bundle 38.

Tab seven". Brackets "you lying bastard". Yes, it brought gasps in

Frederic Michel. He told James On the sort of thing Jeremy Hunt

would be announcing to Parliament I think that's supposed to be a

wink. I thought it was the smiley face to start with. It means more

than in the field of science. they knew it was more than illegal.

It could be a high-speed train knocking over a lamppost.

LAUGHTER. That's modern life now isn't it, if

you put in LOL at the end of something, it means it's funny. I'm

going to come and kill you in your sleep - LOL. And if your name is

Lol, it is even more worrying. did James Murdoch respond when this

was read out to him at the Leveson Inquiry? He said it was a joke, but

given he is a Dalek, I mean he talks purely in management speak.

He pours bullshit on everything until there's nothing

understandable left and everyone wants to die.

LAUGHTER. Don't ever do his PR. He's great,

he pours bullshit over everything and then everyone wants to die.

Book him! Very hard to do the speech, you'll never get to the

desert. Anyway, the idea he could spot a joke made me laugh. I don't

know, I think he's got a very good sense of humour. There he is.

LAUGHTER. How has culture secretary, Jeremy

Hunt, answered calls for his inevitable resignation? He stuck

his fingers in his ears and said "I can't hear you". He claims to have

handled the matter with: And has warned against knee-jerk reactions.

Talking of reactions and jerks, what has Ed Miliband been saying

about the culture minister? Let's have a look. He was providing

advice, guidance and privileged access to News Corporation. He was

being a back channel for the Murdochs. LAUGHTER.

Sounds unpleasant. According to a journalist who worked for Murdoch's

Wall Street Journal, how did Jeremy Hunt avoid being seen arriving for

a private dinner? He hid behind a So James Murdoch did tell the

inquiry he definitely did discuss the proposed takeover of BSkyB with

David Cameron at a Christmas party at Rebecca Brooks' house in

December 2010. Something David Cameron has always denied. Although,

Something like "will it go through, David? Yes, James. Mince pie?

Lovely". Meanwhile, what did Rupert

contributes to the Leveson Inquiry yesterday and today? He basically

shafted all the prime ministers of this country for the last 40 years.

He said they were all pathetic, they all sucked up to him.

insinuated Gordon Brown was slightly mad. That he declared war

on the Murdochs. No one else has suggested that!

LAUGHTER. If you want a Fife man declaring

war on you, it would sound quite aggressive. Scottish people can

sound aggressive without meaning it. For example, if I said "THAT'S a

pretty baby". That just sounds aggressive. Finally, at long last,

who wants to see lingering shots of former News of the World Chief

Reporter, Neville Thurlbeck, he of the infamous four-Neville e-mails

on Newsnight. You should have a look at this. Joining us now,

Neville Thurlbeck, the former News Editor and Chief Reporter at the

News of the World. He is now the PR for Talking To Minds, a PTSD

charity. Neville Thurlbeck was arrested over allegations of his

involvement in phone hacking and is bailed until next month.

LAUGHTER. Mr sinister is in the building.

There was more pressure on Jeremy Hunt. If you are watching a repeat,

the former secretary. If you are watching on Dave in a year's time,

the chief executor of BSkyB. Thorpe the story dominated the

front pages on Wednesday. The Mirror went with: The Telegraph

went with: The Guardian went with: And the Sun newspaper went width:

In his evidence, Rupert Murdoch recalled a conversation with Gordon

Tony Blair perked up and said "did someone mention war"? Take a look

at this one will stop Nadine Dorries.

Don't remember who that is, or him. Those are the posh boys who don't

know the price of milk. This is embarrassing for the Chancellor

because his father is buying an elaborate desk. The Bay City

Rollers four-star be it is bad for them because some of them are no

longer with us. It is a double dip, so let's move on. Lots of right-

wing activity in the French elections. The price of the euro

has gone down, is not good far our economy. I can see a wasteland with

only foxes. Left to roam, eating at the remains... The last of the Bay

City Rollers. It has been a shambolic week for David Cameron

and the coalition Government. The BBC were not trying to influence

our feelings either way when the interviews and Irish businessman

who said: That it was a man calls. The Tories are doing so badly, they

are under fire from their own side. Nadine Dorries describes herself as

a council estate Scouser, but how did she described David Cameron and

George Osborne? Two posh boys who do not know the price of milk.

is pathetic to bring class into it. Take any two posh boys, Damien,

pretty much the price of milk we You are an old Etonian.

Correctomundo. I can't discuss the back channel. Funnily enough, I

wasn't going there. You're filthy. David Cameron recently described

Eton as a fabulous school. What is so fantastic about it? You get to

wear really snazzy clothes. So did the Ku Klux Klan, but... Can I ask

you something? You had dinner in the White House with David Cameron

and Barack Obama, yet you are a member of Al-Qaeda. I found myself

in a three-way conversation with Warren Buffet on my left and the

President of the United States about the economy. We talked about

it for a bit. You can all sleep easy in your beds tonight. Fixed a

few things. David Cameron sat down and just went, "Yeah, Barack, golf,

I think you'd take me. But tennis, Barack, think I'd take you". Obama

had been looking at his food and he looked up and said, "Really, David,

well we have a few hours tomorrow morning if you want to put it to

the test. Really steely". I was getting on a plane the next morning

at 7:30am, sharing this with George Osborne. The things you see when

you haven't got your gun! He looked at me and went, guess where they

are now? Thrashing it out on the tennis court at 7.30am. History

does not relate who won. So at an official dinner when he could have

had opportunities to talk about important things he talked about

tennis, and at a Christmas party when they weren't meant to talk

about things they talked about the potential takeover of BSkyB. Thank

God he's got things the right way round. The thing is, if I was

sitting next to Warren Buffet, I'd have to keep making jokes about his

name without him realising. Is that your finger buffet? Are you feeling

a bit hot buffet? Have you done much travelling buffet? That would

be me well happy. Cameron says he does know the price of a pint of

milk. What did he price it at? What do you think? Three and

sixpence. Milk does not come in pints any more, it comes in litres.

I don't be the one to break it to you but there are still pints of

milk out there. I don't know how much they cost. I could sell you

one for �5. Cameron says he pays Yes, lovely family! What has Ed

Miliband been doing recently? Trying. He tries his best. God

loves a trier. This is just going to break your heart. He has been

watching his poll ratings soar. Labour have a 13% lead over the

Tories, which must be a confidence booster for the Labour leader, but

watch this. Could we get a photo with David? This man right here.

Hello, Ed Miliband, nice to meet you. This is another bad week for

the Tories. Nadine Dorries accused David Cameron of not even knowing

the price of milk, to which he retorted, just under 50p. That

price will no doubt double once Francis Maude starts a milk panic.

Put the milk back into cows, demands Francis Maude. It's the

safest place for it, says twit. Jerry cans full of milk in your

garage. Mix it with petrol and make it go further. And so to round two,

the news of the swirld. That's brilliant. Here is a cleverly

distorted picture of news. Buzz when you know what it is. I don't

know who he is, but there has recently been a suggestion that we

could mine gold from meteorites from outer space. Things flying

around with loads of gold in them and that we can capture them we

would get free gold. It's not very practical. His head is too big for

his body, for a start, and he is in outer space and can't breathe. And

the axe doesn't look like it is doing anything. It is asteroids.

They think they can build a craft to mine the asteroids and all sorts

of people have bought into it, people with lots of money. Who is

this? It is James Cameron behind this scheme. I would be a bit

concerned about James Cameron's plans because he directed Aliens. I

am not saying it is real. I now Homeland is not real. Nice body.

What I am saying is that this could be the start of something pretty

bad, right. So my vote is, let's not go and mine anywhere where we

don't know what's going on. People from England very rarely come to

Scotland, never mind go to outer space, so let's not go there.

That's a conspiracy. They're a company called Planetary Resources

Inc, which in addition to James Cameron has the support of the

Google billionaires. Are they going to set up a haven there on an

asteroid and claim it's offshore, off earth, so they have to pay no

tax at all ever again. Peter Diamandis involved, he told Forbes

magazine, since childhood I wanted to do one thing, to be an asteroid

miner. It's a grand life, to be sure, Pete, working down't space

pits. Apologies to anyone from Yorkshire in the audience.

thought it was Zimbabwe. Yorkshire! What is stopping us mining it right

now? It is not practical. There is one major drawback, yes. Asteroids

are in space. The drawback is that the mining equipment that would

have to be bolted to future generations of craft has not been

invented yet, let alone the mechanism for getting minerals back

to earth. It is meant to cheer us up, the idea that the national debt

is �1 trillion but there is trillions and trillions just up

there, so cheer up. We could watch it whizzing past us. Finally, does

anyone know which asteroid scientists have labelled as their

first contender for pouncing upon? I have no idea. It will fly within

2.4 million miles of Earth in 2021. Have your wallets open at the top

of a high stepladder. This is the plan to extract minerals from

asteroids, according to the Nice thought, but Superdrug are

doing three for two. According to Yes, ever since cannabis was first

smoked! Fingers on buzzers. This is a very serious story and should be

treated with a great amount of seriousness. The boy band, One

Direction, on a visit to Australia, held a koala. That is not the

serious part of it. The koala urinated on One Direction. In one

direction, or on One Direction? In all directions, or one direction?

The shocking statistic is that 80% of koalas have chlamydia. There is

therefore a real and present danger that One Direction, top boy band,

will have contracted chlamydia from a koala. That is the correct answer.

Any idea, how does a koala get chlamydia? For the very first time?

Well, you have to look to human interference, really. It is

Australia we are talking about, after all. I guess some of those

bacteriological and viral infections will cross from species

to species, but I can't think of finer people to get a sexually

transmitted disease than those three brilliant musicians. Like how

Cortez eliminated an entire generation of the new Americas.

live in hope, don't we? I'm not sure, but I think that's advocating

genocide, isn't it? Simon Cowell, the man behind One Direction has

been in the news. Why? A biography has been produced. Sweet Revenge,

The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell, has been released. What do we learn

from the book? Shall I give you a clue? Cling film. I thought of

something but I don't think it's right to say it. According to the

Sun, he hired a female therapist to visit him weekly, cover him with

oil, wrap him in cling film and squeeze him into a tube. Squeeze

him into a tube. He's turned into toothpaste. He went to a doctor

afterwards wearing nothing but cling film wrapped around his body.

The doctor looked at him and said, I can clearly see your nuts. This

is the story from Australia that members of the boy band One

Direction may have caught a disease from a koala. There was a moment of

confusion when singer Harry Styles announced, "Guys, I've picked up

chlamydia, the lesser known sister of Kylie and Danii". The incident

took place during a photo session. Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle

the dopey but cute looking creatures, the koalas said, "Yeah,

why not"? Time for the missing words round, which features as its

guest publication, Absolute Horse. There's another one called Relative

Horse. Is the one for the cattle industry called Absolute Bull?

start with, Camilla sent into space to what? Something to do with solar

storms. Camilla is the name of a dodgy looking probe. I think you

will find she is married to the heir to the throne. I thought it

was sent into space to amuse Her Majesty the Queen. I thought it was

part of the celebration. We should all be able to look at the sky and

see her orbiting the Earth with her arse on fire as she goes through

the atmosphere. Maybe that's the climax of the Olympic opening

ceremony, Camilla being fired out of a rocket. The Olympic flame

lights this enormous rocket. "Finds solar storm", something like that.

American students sent a rubber chicken on a giant helium balloon

into space to photograph a solar radiation storm. According to the

Guardian, carried aboard were seven insects. None of the insects

survived. It means nothing to us, but to the insect world, it was

For as long as no-one is looking, says Murdoch. This is from Absolute

This edition features horse makeovers, how to look good neigh-

ked. And finally, Donald Trump's hair what? Declared a World

Heritage Site. Is attacked by a prankster with a balloon. That is

right. Targeted by pro-turbine protesters. Somebody rubbed a

balloon and static electricity. That is fantastic. Apparently he

was furious. If there's one thing he hates, it is his hair being made

to look stupid. So, the final scores, Ian and Chris have seven,

Paul and Susan squeaking by with On which note we say thank you to

our panellists, Ian Hislop and Chris Packham, Paul Merton and

Susan Coleman. And I leave you with news that Olympic organisers admit

it was a mistake to allow Olympic sponsors John West to design the