Episode 6 Have I Got News for You


Episode 6

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Kathy Burke. In the news this week,

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as the Eurovision Song Contest approaches,

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the BBC eagerly unveil Engelbert Humperdinck's backing dancers...

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At an exclusive optician's in Harley Street,

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one regular customer inspects his new monocle.

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And in Hyde Park,

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a helicopter company regrets sending an attractive female pilot

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to give an aerial tour of London to Boris Johnson.

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On Ian's team tonight is a former Mayor of London

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who just lost a bruising contest with Boris Johnson.

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He's also the first guest this show has ever had

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whose fee has had to be paid direct to the Cayman Islands.

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Please welcome Ken Livingstone!

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian and actor who admits he hasn't led

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a very interesting life, and in a recent interview said,

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"While other people have been climbing Everest, I've been sorting out me wardrobe."

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Throw all the nice clothes out, then, did you(?)

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Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

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APPLAUSE

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OK. And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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-Paul and Joe, would you take a look at this, please?

-Be thrilled to.

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-Ooh!

-JOE: Slow-motion morris dancing?

-Yes.

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The Greeks have got to live on a slightly slower time than the rest of us.

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This is the French Presidential elections. He's on his way out.

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He's on his way in, and it rained throughout his entire day.

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His plane was struck by lightning,

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represented by this cartoon characterisation from the 1920s,

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and there he is, at the end of a successful day...

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having no idea which way to go.

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It's not a great bit of footage from your first day, is it?

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When your Presidential campaign was, "I won't be pushed around by the Germans!"

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He was late, which is why I think Mrs Merkel was pretty firm with him.

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Turn up late, don't know which side of the carpet to walk on...

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He was wet, late and French.

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Sounds like somewhere in Soho.

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Well, you work there...

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This is the first day in power for Francois Hollande,

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and the growing chaos in the Euro Zone.

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-He had a crap first day, didn't he, really?

-Yeah.

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You shouldn't be that busy, your first day at work, should you?

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You should ease yourself in.

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Get shown round the office, send your mates a few e-mails, go "That's all right."

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Have a late lunch. Not fly him over to Germany, sort out the EU crisis.

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-No, not straightaway.

-Ease him in with a bit of filing.

-Exactly.

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-Find out how the office works.

-Exactly. A bit much.

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-And then it rained on him, didn't it?

-It did.

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He went to the airport to fly to Germany, SOAKED.

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Bet Angela gave him a rub-down when he got there.

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Is there something you know that we don't?

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A big triumph for the Left, though, Ken, wasn't it?

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Seems like the Left is winning everywhere. Except London.

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Why is it, whenever I lose an election, they put me on your team?

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Every other time, I'm on Paul's.

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Cos they want you to feel like a winner.

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KEN: I don't think we won last time.

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Get on with it.

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Well, it's about Hollande, actually.

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He began his first day in office with the handing over of power from Sarkozy.

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So, here they are together, but can you tell which one's Sarkozy?

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KEN: The 3-inch heels suggest that might be

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the diminutive former President of France.

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-You enjoyed saying that, didn't you?

-Hmm. Oh, he was a ghastly horror.

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Are you all open and honest now?

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I've always thought he was a ghastly horror.

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-OK. Ed Miliband?

-Lovely man.

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Meanwhile, what's the problem with Greece?

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-They haven't got a government.

-Yes, as no single party won a majority,

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the President has been holding talks with the leaders of various parties

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in an attempt to form a workable coalition.

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-Paul, could you give me a hand here, mate?

-Yeah.

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Read out the names when they come up - don't get me wrong, I could do it myself, I just can't be arsed...

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-OK, right.

-..dealing with this.

-Yes.

-So, the Greek President...

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Karolos Papoulias.

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..has been talking to the head of the socialist party...

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Evangelos Venizelos.

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The leader of the far-right Golden Dawn party...

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Chrysi Avgi.

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And the young charismatic leader of the far-left Syriza party...

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Alexis Tsipras?

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More commonly known as...?

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Sexi Alexi!

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Well, I'll be the judge of that. Oh, yes...

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Yeah, he's all right, actually.

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-He looks a bit like Ed Miliband to me.

-Oh, does...?

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-Are you a man obsessed?

-No, this is Ken's attempt to find some work!

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APPLAUSE

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Shall we see how well the President has been getting on in his talks with these people?

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LAUGHTER

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I think he'll come to the conclusion they can't stay in the euro,

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which most sensible people have realised for the last two years.

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-And then they're out.

-They're out.

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The world will carry on and we'll all be able to afford a holiday in Greece.

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You've become very upbeat, haven't you?

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-Getting a nice sleep now, ain't ya?

-Yeah. Like a log.

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It's good for you at your age.

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So, how are several newspapers

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referring to this possible Greek exit?

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Are they taking, Greece and out, "grout?"

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APPLAUSE

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-It's called Grexit.

-That's it, yes.

-Sounds like a type of hair dye.

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Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.

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They get the Olympic torch and then they set fire to Athens.

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Then we go bankrupt, cos everyone's exposed to Greece, to this debt.

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-Even Ken can't be cheery about that, can you?

-No, I predicted this.

-Ah!

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12 years ago in Socialist Economic Bulletin.

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-Didn't you read that?

-Oh, my subscription must have lapsed(!)

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Catchy name, as well.

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-Once we sold 300.

-Oh!

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Yes, a move from the euro back to the drachma would have to be

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done on the quiet in the hope that nobody would notice.

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That should keep the situation nice and calm.

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-What else would have to be done in secret?

-Printing the new currency?

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Spot-on.

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I think it's a good opportunity to call it something else.

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You know, make it sound groovier. Like, drach-marvellous, or something.

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-Let's move on to Spain.

-Yeah.

-Right?

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Why has the village of Pioz made the financial news?

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Is this the village that's in so much debt,

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it's going to take 1400 years to pay it off?

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Better close their swimming pool.

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Breaks your heart.

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During the boom years, the local council spent so much on houses,

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a municipal swimming pool and a water purification plant,

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that it's run up debts that according to the Daily Telegraph will take...

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They didn't follow my advice.

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Did you send a copy of the Bulletin to this village?

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You shouldn't borrow money. Pay as you go, that's the safe way.

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Finally, what can you NOT use to pay off a debt higher than £10?

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-Magic beans.

-Huh?

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-Money? Coins? Copper coins?

-Yes, there were go, coppers. Yes.

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-You can't pay off coppers?

-No.

-Has anyone told News International?

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APPLAUSE

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PAUL SINGS A COMIC TUNE

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Yes, an accountant in Essex has successfully sued

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one of his clients who tried to settle a bill of £800

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by dumping five crates of 1p and 2p coins in his garden.

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Yes, this is the crisis in Europe

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and the messy aftermath of the Greek election,

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which saw the various parties unable to form a coalition.

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On his first official trip to see Angela Merkel,

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President Hollande's plane was struck by lightning,

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despite being assured there definitely wasn't massive a storm on its way,

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by leading French weatherman, Michel Poissan.

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Ian and Ken, would you take a look at this, please?

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-Oh, it's...

-Ah, a victim.

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-Oh, she's being hounded by the paparazzi!

-Outrageous!

-Oh, look.

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Blair and Rebekah Brooks.

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And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.

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And a witch.

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Well, we've got to be very careful answering this question, cos Mrs Brooks has been charged.

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But we're sure she's innocent, really.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I can offer a comment.

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I remember watching that moment as she's being chased down the street and thinking,

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"The number of times the buggers have done that to me on her orders!"

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I took some small pleasure out of that, I did.

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I only met her once.

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It was after some film awards, and she largely ignored me.

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And then two days later, I get an e-mail from her saying,

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"We have identified your unknown love child and are going to name him.

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"Would you like to comment?" And I ignored it they didn't dare run it.

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Oh, can we have the name now, then?

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-It all came out five years ago. You missed it.

-Oh-h-h!

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Was it in the Socialist Economic Bulletin?

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The sales might have gone up!

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It's a good place to bury bad news, isn't it?

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It was all about bad news!

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Well, she's been charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

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I mean, most people when they get charged, disappear.

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She immediately came out and criticised the Crown Prosecution Service for daring to charge her.

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When you've spent two decades telling prime ministers what to do

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and telling senior policemen what to do,

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-it's a bit difficult when the boot's on the other foot.

-Yes.

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And usually when the police come to her house, it's, you know,

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to give her a story or accept a job on one of her papers.

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-Or lend her one of their horses.

-Indeed!

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I think we can say very little. She can obviously say what she likes,

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but we've got to be much more careful.

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-How soon before they bang up Murdoch, do you reckon?

-Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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That's any day now, obviously(!)

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But her husband was jolly cross, and a lot of people had said Rebekah,

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during giving evidence at the Leveson Inquiry, had looked like a witch.

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And then her husband immediately came out and said,

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"It's a witch-hunt."

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Which some people found very amusing.

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I just remembered - she did that thing, the campaign to burn down

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the home of your nearby paedophile and so on, didn't they?

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They ran that. That was a bit rushing to judgment, I thought.

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It was rushing to judgment and it was a campaign against paedophiles, but unfortunately,

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a lot of Sun readers couldn't tell the difference between that and paediatricians.

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So there was an attack on the house of a doctor.

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What did she reveal about her textual relationship with David Cameron?

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So, he was texting her all day, and occasionally he wrote "LOL"

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and he didn't know what it meant.

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He said it meant, "Lots of love," which somehow is more appropriate

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to a senior executive who's bidding for a media contract.

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Whereas the rest of us think it means "Laugh out loud," which we're doing now.

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Yes, the Express printed some examples of how Cameron might misunderstand other text speak.

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For instance...

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So we all know what that means, don't we?

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-I'm homosexual.

-LAUGHTER

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And I also don't know the answer.

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-This is "In my humble opinion."

-That's it, yeah.

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Or, as the Express suggested for Cameron,

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"Is my horse outside?"

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And here's another one. What's "WTF?"

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Eh, what the f...?

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As the Express suggested, "Where's the fag?"

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LAUGHTER

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-"Where's the fag?!"

-As in, Eton slave boys.

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You don't say "Where's the fag?" you say "Fag up!"

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"Fag up?"

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-You didn't have a fag!

-And they run up the stairs. Produce coffee.

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It's a perfectly workable system.

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See, I always used this one...

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-"I am having a fag?"

-"I am HAVIN' a fag," yes!

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-Very topical. 1993, I

-BLEEP

-said that.

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I thought it meant, "I'm having some physical activity."

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-Oh!

-Oh, "I'm having a..." Oh!

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-I say!

-Under what circumstances would you text that...?

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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"I've told you, haven't I?"

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LAUGHTER

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So, how did Rebekah Brooks stay in touch

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with the customs of ordinary folk when she was at the Sun?

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Er, she listened to their voicemails?

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APPLAUSE

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She said, "For 11 years running,

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"she would go on a £9.50 holiday to a caravan park with Sun readers."

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Where do Private Eye go for their away days, Ian?

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Erm, that place in Soho I was telling you about.

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Who else, a bit closer to home, has been critical of Rebekah Brooks?

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-Close to home.

-Is that a clue?

-Yeah.

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Actually, it was Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth...

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-Yes?

-..who said...

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Just for the record,

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Elizabeth Murdoch's own company makes TV programmes called...

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..so you could be in either of those, Ken, couldn't ya?

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They announced I'd lost on Friday evening.

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The first email I get was I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

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I thought, "Oh God, no. You know you're doomed. It's all over."

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Something more uplifting, eh?

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-Like this.

-This is always good fun.

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This could be a launch platform.

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We had some bloke on, and he became Mayor of London!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I've never even forgiven you for that!

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Which other hard-faced shameless bastard

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was at the Leveson Inquiry this week?

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Hard-faced Shameless Bastard Number One, please come into the room.

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Erm...

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Can you narrow it down a bit more?

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-Alastair Campbell?

-Very good, yes.

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The Mail described Campbell as...

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He actually said that the Labour Party in his day, erm,

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viewed their dealings with Murdoch with some distaste,

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and he was allowed to get away with saying that.

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You're thinking, "Was that the Labour Party

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"that you were working for Tony Blair

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"when he became the Godparent of Rupert's child

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"and appeared in robes of white by the banks of the Jordan,

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"in order to suck up to Mr Murdoch? Was that the same Labour Party?"

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But no-one said that, they just said, "Thank you, Mr Campbell.

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"Very good of you to turn up and give us your stupid opinions."

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APPLAUSE

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Robert Jay, the main QC at the Leveson Inquiry,

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got a bit carried away when he introduced Campbell to the Inquiry.

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What did he say?

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And he's here, the one, the only, lock up your daughters!

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Alastair, "I can't remember anything," Campbell!

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Ra-da-da-da...!

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He said he was...

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Yes, this is the news that Rebekah Brooks has been charged

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with attempting to pervert the course of justice.

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Said Rebekah, 43, from Chipping Norton.

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APPLAUSE

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-OK, boys?

-Yes!

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The prospect of Rebekah being sent to jail

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is particularly bad news for David Cameron,

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who's now facing a Christmas dinner with just Jeremy Clarkson.

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Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry continues to investigate

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the influence of the media, though if you want a stark example

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of the power of the newspapers, just think.

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If it wasn't for the London Evening Standard,

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we'd have Boris Johnson sitting there.

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I have to say, Ken, that's because I think you'd make a better mayor.

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And he'd make a better guest.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I agree! I agree!

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And so to Round Two, the one-armed bandit of news.

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Here's the first one!

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BUZZ

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-Yes, Paul.

-Erm, the Queen, she is in a state now

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where she can't notice strangers coming up and adjusting her...

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she's being so dazzled by her own celebrations she has no idea,

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she's got no spatial awareness of people around her at all.

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And also, it's a waxwork at Madame Tussauds.

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Yes, this is the new Madame Tussauds waxwork of the Queen.

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But, I mean, there was a tragedy at Tussauds, wasn't there, Ken?

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What?

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They've melted down...

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No! Not a beloved member of the British society!

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-They have!

-Who?

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-The former mayor...

-No?

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..has been consigned to the pot.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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They're using him to make Jedward!

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No, that's very true.

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Ken's waxwork was removed from Madame Tussauds in 2008.

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A spokesman has said...

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Don't they offer you to sell you it?

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Most of us would buy 'em for a laugh.

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Have it stuck there,

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a really grizzly looking object as you come through the door.

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No, you couldn't have yours, it's not tax deductible, mate!

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Oh, I don't know, you could rent it out!

0:19:420:19:45

Particularly boring dinner, just put your waxwork in.

0:19:450:19:47

"Hello, Ken".

0:19:470:19:49

So, why's a new waxwork of the Queen been made?

0:19:500:19:52

There's something remarkable about her.

0:19:520:19:54

Her appearance seems to change year by year.

0:19:540:19:56

If you look at her when she was about six,

0:19:560:19:59

she doesn't look anything like this.

0:19:590:20:00

This has been described as the "Queen's most lifelike waxwork yet."

0:20:000:20:04

-Shall we have a look at some of the previous efforts?

-Yes.

0:20:040:20:07

Here she is in 2001.

0:20:070:20:09

Oh, it's not very good.

0:20:090:20:10

-Here she is in '77.

-No!

0:20:100:20:12

That's bad, but not as bad as this one

0:20:140:20:16

displayed at the Legends Of Wax exhibition in Kent.

0:20:160:20:19

That's Barbara Streisand!

0:20:200:20:22

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

0:20:240:20:27

BUZZER

0:20:320:20:33

Somebody stuck a car up a tree.

0:20:330:20:36

-Didn't they put a seed and let it grow?!

-Yeah.

0:20:360:20:39

A local community has gone in for their own justice,

0:20:390:20:43

and this was a joyrider who goes up and down the streets,

0:20:430:20:46

so one night they all got together and nicked his car

0:20:460:20:49

and put it up a tree.

0:20:490:20:50

And he rang the police and said,

0:20:500:20:52

"They put my car up a tree" and the bloke said, "I know!"

0:20:520:20:55

And he had to get it down himself.

0:20:580:21:00

Yes, villagers were fed up of their local boy-racer

0:21:000:21:03

and his dangerous driving so they taught him a lesson by using

0:21:030:21:06

a neighbour's mobile crane to hoist his car on top of a tree.

0:21:060:21:11

A police spokesman said...

0:21:110:21:13

Who'd like to see the car having been carefully removed

0:21:230:21:25

from the tree?

0:21:250:21:27

In other news of tall tales relating to cars,

0:21:300:21:32

Dorset Police have revealed a list of excuses for driving offences.

0:21:320:21:37

What excuse to a motorist give

0:21:370:21:39

when stopped for not wearing his seatbelt?

0:21:390:21:42

"Come near me, copper, and I'll cut you!"

0:21:420:21:45

Citing the law that made wearing a seatbelt a legal requirement

0:21:450:21:48

in 1982, the motorist told officers...

0:21:480:21:51

Adding "but as we clearly can't settle this matter,

0:21:560:21:58

"I challenge you, sir, to a duel."

0:21:580:22:00

Finally, talking of excuses, Ken, do you have one for this outfit?

0:22:020:22:06

Was it in The Sun?

0:22:100:22:11

It was in The Sun, oddly enough.

0:22:110:22:13

I think Rebekah just liked me topless.

0:22:130:22:15

Page 3 has evolved, hasn't it?!

0:22:170:22:19

Actually, for someone who's 66, that's not bad.

0:22:200:22:23

I'm glad you said that.

0:22:230:22:25

I bet now, if we all took our tops off,

0:22:250:22:27

I wouldn't look to bad compared to you!

0:22:270:22:31

Come on, come on!

0:22:310:22:32

Oh, come on, we're all friends, why not?!

0:22:340:22:36

-Can we then wrestle?

-Yeah.

0:22:380:22:41

Then we'll take our bottoms off.

0:22:410:22:43

Take our bottoms off?!

0:22:430:22:46

Start shagging each other.

0:22:460:22:47

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

0:22:520:22:56

Your four are Florence the Shark,

0:22:560:22:58

Matthew O'Callaghan, the Chairman of Melton Mowbray Porkpie Association,

0:22:580:23:03

Morrissey and Whittaker's Sundew.

0:23:030:23:05

BELL RINGS

0:23:050:23:07

-Yes.

-Whittaker's Sundew is a flower from New South Wales

0:23:070:23:10

and the others aren't.

0:23:100:23:12

I've got one, then!

0:23:140:23:15

BUZZER One's a shark.

0:23:150:23:17

< Ah, that could be from Australia.

0:23:200:23:22

The only thing I know is that shark's a vegetarian.

0:23:220:23:26

And?!

0:23:260:23:27

That's all I know in the whole world!

0:23:270:23:29

The only thing that eats meat there is the flower.

0:23:300:23:33

I bet the flower's one of those meat-eating flowers.

0:23:330:23:35

Absolutely correct!

0:23:350:23:36

Brilliant.

0:23:360:23:37

APPLAUSE

0:23:370:23:39

What sort of meat does the plant eat?

0:23:390:23:42

Lamb chops?

0:23:420:23:43

Kebabs?

0:23:440:23:46

That looks like sticky bits on the leaf, so I assume small insects.

0:23:460:23:50

Yes, very good, Ken.

0:23:500:23:51

Bison?

0:23:510:23:53

Have you ever seen a fight between one of those flowers and a bison?

0:23:550:23:58

It can go on for hours.

0:23:580:24:00

Yeah, Ken's right, this plant does eat insects.

0:24:000:24:03

Matthew O'Callaghan,

0:24:050:24:06

the chairman of the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association,

0:24:060:24:09

has admitted that he's actually a vegetarian.

0:24:090:24:11

I thought you were going to say

0:24:110:24:13

he's admitted there was no meat in his pork pies.

0:24:130:24:17

Has anybody any idea where Mr O'Callaghan

0:24:170:24:19

made his shocking confession?

0:24:190:24:21

Not the Socialist Economic Bulletin.

0:24:210:24:23

No, according to the Daily Mail,

0:24:250:24:26

he was speaking at the annual British Pie Awards

0:24:260:24:29

He told a gathering of pie manufacturers,

0:24:290:24:32

"I had a bad experience in Bangkok and cannot face meat again."

0:24:320:24:35

They are all vegetarian, apart from Whittaker's Sundew

0:24:400:24:43

which is a carnivorous plant

0:24:430:24:45

Botanically-speaking, the order of Australian plants

0:24:450:24:48

is divided between two sub-genii -

0:24:480:24:51

Carnivorous and bloody poofta.

0:24:510:24:54

Right, time now for the Missing Words round

0:24:580:25:01

which this week features as its guest publication...

0:25:010:25:03

Cat Fancy.

0:25:030:25:05

Or, as I call it, The Spinster.

0:25:050:25:08

And we start with...

0:25:110:25:13

"Tonnes of cat poo."

0:25:160:25:19

Is it "lost people?"

0:25:190:25:22

-No, the actual answer is mobility scooters.

-Oh, yes.

0:25:230:25:28

This is the news that Britain is the mobility-scooter capital of Europe.

0:25:280:25:32

Technically, you have to have a medical reason

0:25:320:25:35

to be allowed to drive a mobility scooter,

0:25:350:25:37

although it appears these reasons include an allergy to exercise

0:25:370:25:40

and a clinical dependence on chips.

0:25:400:25:43

Next...

0:25:460:25:48

"Something 10 foot away."

0:25:490:25:52

"I could smell cat mess from 10 feet away."

0:25:530:25:55

-You're obsessed by cat mess.

-It's bloody Cat Weekly, isn't it?

0:25:550:25:59

-Yeah, but it could be other things apart from mess.

-"Boris Johnson."

0:25:590:26:04

"Says lonely widow."

0:26:060:26:09

"Who's increased the security on her front door."

0:26:110:26:14

"Who's boarded up the cat flap."

0:26:140:26:16

Which isn't a euphemism.

0:26:160:26:18

The answer is "Miche's fish breath."

0:26:220:26:24

Yes, according to Cat Fancy,

0:26:240:26:27

there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats.

0:26:270:26:30

The main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.

0:26:300:26:33

And lastly -

0:26:390:26:41

"Massive cat."

0:26:430:26:44

I wandered lonely as a shroud?

0:26:460:26:48

Somebody dressed up in a shroud for a funeral?

0:26:480:26:51

It's actually "nuke cloud".

0:26:510:26:53

This is the plan to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste

0:26:530:26:56

below the Lake District.

0:26:560:26:58

A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says,

0:26:580:27:01

"The upside is, that after 2 million years it should be mostly harmless."

0:27:010:27:06

So, if you're watching the repeat on Dave - all clear.

0:27:060:27:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:090:27:12

And so the final scores are...

0:27:160:27:18

Ian and Ken have four points,

0:27:180:27:20

Paul and Joe have seven points.

0:27:200:27:23

APPLAUSE

0:27:230:27:25

But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:27:290:27:32

"Boy lies about having identical horses."

0:27:320:27:36

Is the big horse saying to the little one,

0:27:380:27:40

"There is a great big bowl of cocaine over the -

0:27:400:27:42

"I just walked straight into it."

0:27:420:27:44

And I leave you with news that at a shopping centre in Gloucester,

0:27:480:27:51

a confused old man startles passers-by

0:27:510:27:53

with a tirade of bigoted abuse.

0:27:530:27:55

At Vladimir Putin's birthday-party parade,

0:27:590:28:01

after soldiers marched non-stop for 12 hours

0:28:010:28:04

there is a slight problem with cramp.

0:28:040:28:06

And, capitalising on her love of horses,

0:28:090:28:12

Scotland Yard sends an undercover cop to spy on Rebekah Brooks.

0:28:120:28:15

Good night.

0:28:210:28:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:26

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