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APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
I'm Kathy Burke. In the news this week, | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
as the Eurovision Song Contest approaches, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
the BBC eagerly unveil Engelbert Humperdinck's backing dancers... | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
At an exclusive optician's in Harley Street, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
one regular customer inspects his new monocle. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
And in Hyde Park, | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
a helicopter company regrets sending an attractive female pilot | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
to give an aerial tour of London to Boris Johnson. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a former Mayor of London | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
who just lost a bruising contest with Boris Johnson. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
He's also the first guest this show has ever had | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
whose fee has had to be paid direct to the Cayman Islands. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
Please welcome Ken Livingstone! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
And with Paul tonight is a comedian and actor who admits he hasn't led | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
a very interesting life, and in a recent interview said, | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
"While other people have been climbing Everest, I've been sorting out me wardrobe." | 0:01:53 | 0:01:58 | |
Throw all the nice clothes out, then, did you(?) | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Please welcome Joe Wilkinson! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
OK. And we start with the biggest stories of the week. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
-Paul and Joe, would you take a look at this, please? -Be thrilled to. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
-Ooh! -JOE: Slow-motion morris dancing? -Yes. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
The Greeks have got to live on a slightly slower time than the rest of us. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
This is the French Presidential elections. He's on his way out. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
He's on his way in, and it rained throughout his entire day. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
His plane was struck by lightning, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
represented by this cartoon characterisation from the 1920s, | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
and there he is, at the end of a successful day... | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
having no idea which way to go. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
It's not a great bit of footage from your first day, is it? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
When your Presidential campaign was, "I won't be pushed around by the Germans!" | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
He was late, which is why I think Mrs Merkel was pretty firm with him. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:54 | |
Turn up late, don't know which side of the carpet to walk on... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
He was wet, late and French. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Sounds like somewhere in Soho. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Well, you work there... | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
This is the first day in power for Francois Hollande, | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
and the growing chaos in the Euro Zone. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
-He had a crap first day, didn't he, really? -Yeah. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
You shouldn't be that busy, your first day at work, should you? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
You should ease yourself in. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Get shown round the office, send your mates a few e-mails, go "That's all right." | 0:03:22 | 0:03:27 | |
Have a late lunch. Not fly him over to Germany, sort out the EU crisis. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
-No, not straightaway. -Ease him in with a bit of filing. -Exactly. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
-Find out how the office works. -Exactly. A bit much. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
-And then it rained on him, didn't it? -It did. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
He went to the airport to fly to Germany, SOAKED. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Bet Angela gave him a rub-down when he got there. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Is there something you know that we don't? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
A big triumph for the Left, though, Ken, wasn't it? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
Seems like the Left is winning everywhere. Except London. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
Why is it, whenever I lose an election, they put me on your team? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Every other time, I'm on Paul's. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
Cos they want you to feel like a winner. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
KEN: I don't think we won last time. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Get on with it. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Well, it's about Hollande, actually. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
He began his first day in office with the handing over of power from Sarkozy. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:22 | |
So, here they are together, but can you tell which one's Sarkozy? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
KEN: The 3-inch heels suggest that might be | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
the diminutive former President of France. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
-You enjoyed saying that, didn't you? -Hmm. Oh, he was a ghastly horror. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Are you all open and honest now? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
I've always thought he was a ghastly horror. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
-OK. Ed Miliband? -Lovely man. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Meanwhile, what's the problem with Greece? | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
-They haven't got a government. -Yes, as no single party won a majority, | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
the President has been holding talks with the leaders of various parties | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
in an attempt to form a workable coalition. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
-Paul, could you give me a hand here, mate? -Yeah. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
Read out the names when they come up - don't get me wrong, I could do it myself, I just can't be arsed... | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
-OK, right. -..dealing with this. -Yes. -So, the Greek President... | 0:05:10 | 0:05:14 | |
Karolos Papoulias. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
..has been talking to the head of the socialist party... | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Evangelos Venizelos. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
The leader of the far-right Golden Dawn party... | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Chrysi Avgi. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
And the young charismatic leader of the far-left Syriza party... | 0:05:25 | 0:05:29 | |
Alexis Tsipras? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
More commonly known as...? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Sexi Alexi! | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
Well, I'll be the judge of that. Oh, yes... | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
Yeah, he's all right, actually. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:40 | |
-He looks a bit like Ed Miliband to me. -Oh, does...? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
-Are you a man obsessed? -No, this is Ken's attempt to find some work! | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
Shall we see how well the President has been getting on in his talks with these people? | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I think he'll come to the conclusion they can't stay in the euro, | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
which most sensible people have realised for the last two years. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
-And then they're out. -They're out. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
The world will carry on and we'll all be able to afford a holiday in Greece. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
You've become very upbeat, haven't you? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
-Getting a nice sleep now, ain't ya? -Yeah. Like a log. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:31 | |
It's good for you at your age. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
So, how are several newspapers | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
referring to this possible Greek exit? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Are they taking, Greece and out, "grout?" | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
-It's called Grexit. -That's it, yes. -Sounds like a type of hair dye. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Again, we bow to your superior knowledge. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
They get the Olympic torch and then they set fire to Athens. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:07 | |
Then we go bankrupt, cos everyone's exposed to Greece, to this debt. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
-Even Ken can't be cheery about that, can you? -No, I predicted this. -Ah! | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
12 years ago in Socialist Economic Bulletin. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:21 | |
-Didn't you read that? -Oh, my subscription must have lapsed(!) | 0:07:21 | 0:07:26 | |
Catchy name, as well. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:27 | |
-Once we sold 300. -Oh! | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
Yes, a move from the euro back to the drachma would have to be | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
done on the quiet in the hope that nobody would notice. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
That should keep the situation nice and calm. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:45 | |
-What else would have to be done in secret? -Printing the new currency? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
Spot-on. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
I think it's a good opportunity to call it something else. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
You know, make it sound groovier. Like, drach-marvellous, or something. | 0:07:56 | 0:08:01 | |
-Let's move on to Spain. -Yeah. -Right? | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
Why has the village of Pioz made the financial news? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Is this the village that's in so much debt, | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
it's going to take 1400 years to pay it off? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
Better close their swimming pool. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
Breaks your heart. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
During the boom years, the local council spent so much on houses, | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
a municipal swimming pool and a water purification plant, | 0:08:27 | 0:08:31 | |
that it's run up debts that according to the Daily Telegraph will take... | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
They didn't follow my advice. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
Did you send a copy of the Bulletin to this village? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
You shouldn't borrow money. Pay as you go, that's the safe way. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
Finally, what can you NOT use to pay off a debt higher than £10? | 0:08:48 | 0:08:54 | |
-Magic beans. -Huh? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
-Money? Coins? Copper coins? -Yes, there were go, coppers. Yes. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:01 | |
-You can't pay off coppers? -No. -Has anyone told News International? | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
PAUL SINGS A COMIC TUNE | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Yes, an accountant in Essex has successfully sued | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
one of his clients who tried to settle a bill of £800 | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
by dumping five crates of 1p and 2p coins in his garden. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:24 | |
Yes, this is the crisis in Europe | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
and the messy aftermath of the Greek election, | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
which saw the various parties unable to form a coalition. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
On his first official trip to see Angela Merkel, | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
President Hollande's plane was struck by lightning, | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
despite being assured there definitely wasn't massive a storm on its way, | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
by leading French weatherman, Michel Poissan. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:46 | |
Ian and Ken, would you take a look at this, please? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
-Oh, it's... -Ah, a victim. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
-Oh, she's being hounded by the paparazzi! -Outrageous! -Oh, look. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
Blair and Rebekah Brooks. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
And a witch. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
Well, we've got to be very careful answering this question, cos Mrs Brooks has been charged. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
But we're sure she's innocent, really. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
Well, I can offer a comment. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
I remember watching that moment as she's being chased down the street and thinking, | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
"The number of times the buggers have done that to me on her orders!" | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
I took some small pleasure out of that, I did. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
I only met her once. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
It was after some film awards, and she largely ignored me. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
And then two days later, I get an e-mail from her saying, | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
"We have identified your unknown love child and are going to name him. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
"Would you like to comment?" And I ignored it they didn't dare run it. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
Oh, can we have the name now, then? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
-It all came out five years ago. You missed it. -Oh-h-h! | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
Was it in the Socialist Economic Bulletin? | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
The sales might have gone up! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
It's a good place to bury bad news, isn't it? | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
It was all about bad news! | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
Well, she's been charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
I mean, most people when they get charged, disappear. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
She immediately came out and criticised the Crown Prosecution Service for daring to charge her. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:21 | |
When you've spent two decades telling prime ministers what to do | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
and telling senior policemen what to do, | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
-it's a bit difficult when the boot's on the other foot. -Yes. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
And usually when the police come to her house, it's, you know, | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
to give her a story or accept a job on one of her papers. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:38 | |
-Or lend her one of their horses. -Indeed! | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
I think we can say very little. She can obviously say what she likes, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
but we've got to be much more careful. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
-How soon before they bang up Murdoch, do you reckon? -Oh! | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
That's any day now, obviously(!) | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
But her husband was jolly cross, and a lot of people had said Rebekah, | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
during giving evidence at the Leveson Inquiry, had looked like a witch. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
And then her husband immediately came out and said, | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
"It's a witch-hunt." | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
Which some people found very amusing. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
I just remembered - she did that thing, the campaign to burn down | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
the home of your nearby paedophile and so on, didn't they? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
They ran that. That was a bit rushing to judgment, I thought. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
It was rushing to judgment and it was a campaign against paedophiles, but unfortunately, | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
a lot of Sun readers couldn't tell the difference between that and paediatricians. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:31 | |
So there was an attack on the house of a doctor. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
What did she reveal about her textual relationship with David Cameron? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
So, he was texting her all day, and occasionally he wrote "LOL" | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
and he didn't know what it meant. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
He said it meant, "Lots of love," which somehow is more appropriate | 0:12:45 | 0:12:49 | |
to a senior executive who's bidding for a media contract. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
Whereas the rest of us think it means "Laugh out loud," which we're doing now. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:58 | |
Yes, the Express printed some examples of how Cameron might misunderstand other text speak. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:04 | |
For instance... | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
So we all know what that means, don't we? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
-I'm homosexual. -LAUGHTER | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
And I also don't know the answer. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
-This is "In my humble opinion." -That's it, yeah. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Or, as the Express suggested for Cameron, | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
"Is my horse outside?" | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
And here's another one. What's "WTF?" | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
Eh, what the f...? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
As the Express suggested, "Where's the fag?" | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:38 | 0:13:39 | |
-"Where's the fag?!" -As in, Eton slave boys. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
You don't say "Where's the fag?" you say "Fag up!" | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
"Fag up?" | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
-You didn't have a fag! -And they run up the stairs. Produce coffee. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
It's a perfectly workable system. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
See, I always used this one... | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
-"I am having a fag?" -"I am HAVIN' a fag," yes! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:08 | |
-Very topical. 1993, I -BLEEP -said that. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
I thought it meant, "I'm having some physical activity." | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
-Oh! -Oh, "I'm having a..." Oh! | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
-I say! -Under what circumstances would you text that...? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
"I've told you, haven't I?" | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
So, how did Rebekah Brooks stay in touch | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
with the customs of ordinary folk when she was at the Sun? | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Er, she listened to their voicemails? | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
She said, "For 11 years running, | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
"she would go on a £9.50 holiday to a caravan park with Sun readers." | 0:14:48 | 0:14:53 | |
Where do Private Eye go for their away days, Ian? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
Erm, that place in Soho I was telling you about. | 0:14:56 | 0:15:00 | |
Who else, a bit closer to home, has been critical of Rebekah Brooks? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
-Close to home. -Is that a clue? -Yeah. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:09 | |
Actually, it was Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth... | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
-Yes? -..who said... | 0:15:12 | 0:15:13 | |
Just for the record, | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Elizabeth Murdoch's own company makes TV programmes called... | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
..so you could be in either of those, Ken, couldn't ya? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
They announced I'd lost on Friday evening. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
The first email I get was I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
I thought, "Oh God, no. You know you're doomed. It's all over." | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
Something more uplifting, eh? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
-Like this. -This is always good fun. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
This could be a launch platform. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
We had some bloke on, and he became Mayor of London! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
I've never even forgiven you for that! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
Which other hard-faced shameless bastard | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
was at the Leveson Inquiry this week? | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
Hard-faced Shameless Bastard Number One, please come into the room. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
Erm... | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
Can you narrow it down a bit more? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
-Alastair Campbell? -Very good, yes. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
The Mail described Campbell as... | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
He actually said that the Labour Party in his day, erm, | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
viewed their dealings with Murdoch with some distaste, | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
and he was allowed to get away with saying that. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
You're thinking, "Was that the Labour Party | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
"that you were working for Tony Blair | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
"when he became the Godparent of Rupert's child | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
"and appeared in robes of white by the banks of the Jordan, | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
"in order to suck up to Mr Murdoch? Was that the same Labour Party?" | 0:16:36 | 0:16:41 | |
But no-one said that, they just said, "Thank you, Mr Campbell. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
"Very good of you to turn up and give us your stupid opinions." | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Robert Jay, the main QC at the Leveson Inquiry, | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
got a bit carried away when he introduced Campbell to the Inquiry. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
What did he say? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
And he's here, the one, the only, lock up your daughters! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:06 | |
Alastair, "I can't remember anything," Campbell! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
Ra-da-da-da...! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
He said he was... | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
Yes, this is the news that Rebekah Brooks has been charged | 0:17:17 | 0:17:21 | |
with attempting to pervert the course of justice. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Said Rebekah, 43, from Chipping Norton. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
-OK, boys? -Yes! | 0:17:42 | 0:17:43 | |
The prospect of Rebekah being sent to jail | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
is particularly bad news for David Cameron, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
who's now facing a Christmas dinner with just Jeremy Clarkson. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry continues to investigate | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
the influence of the media, though if you want a stark example | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
of the power of the newspapers, just think. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
If it wasn't for the London Evening Standard, | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
we'd have Boris Johnson sitting there. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
I have to say, Ken, that's because I think you'd make a better mayor. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
And he'd make a better guest. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
I agree! I agree! | 0:18:15 | 0:18:16 | |
And so to Round Two, the one-armed bandit of news. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Here's the first one! | 0:18:26 | 0:18:27 | |
BUZZ | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
-Yes, Paul. -Erm, the Queen, she is in a state now | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
where she can't notice strangers coming up and adjusting her... | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
she's being so dazzled by her own celebrations she has no idea, | 0:18:40 | 0:18:45 | |
she's got no spatial awareness of people around her at all. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
And also, it's a waxwork at Madame Tussauds. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
Yes, this is the new Madame Tussauds waxwork of the Queen. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
But, I mean, there was a tragedy at Tussauds, wasn't there, Ken? | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
What? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
They've melted down... | 0:19:00 | 0:19:01 | |
No! Not a beloved member of the British society! | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
-They have! -Who? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
-The former mayor... -No? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
..has been consigned to the pot. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
They're using him to make Jedward! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
No, that's very true. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
Ken's waxwork was removed from Madame Tussauds in 2008. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
A spokesman has said... | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Don't they offer you to sell you it? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Most of us would buy 'em for a laugh. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
Have it stuck there, | 0:19:33 | 0:19:34 | |
a really grizzly looking object as you come through the door. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
No, you couldn't have yours, it's not tax deductible, mate! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
Oh, I don't know, you could rent it out! | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Particularly boring dinner, just put your waxwork in. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
"Hello, Ken". | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
So, why's a new waxwork of the Queen been made? | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
There's something remarkable about her. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
Her appearance seems to change year by year. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
If you look at her when she was about six, | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
she doesn't look anything like this. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:00 | |
This has been described as the "Queen's most lifelike waxwork yet." | 0:20:00 | 0:20:04 | |
-Shall we have a look at some of the previous efforts? -Yes. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
Here she is in 2001. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Oh, it's not very good. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
-Here she is in '77. -No! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
That's bad, but not as bad as this one | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
displayed at the Legends Of Wax exhibition in Kent. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
That's Barbara Streisand! | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
BUZZER | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
Somebody stuck a car up a tree. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
-Didn't they put a seed and let it grow?! -Yeah. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
A local community has gone in for their own justice, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
and this was a joyrider who goes up and down the streets, | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
so one night they all got together and nicked his car | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
and put it up a tree. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
And he rang the police and said, | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
"They put my car up a tree" and the bloke said, "I know!" | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
And he had to get it down himself. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Yes, villagers were fed up of their local boy-racer | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
and his dangerous driving so they taught him a lesson by using | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
a neighbour's mobile crane to hoist his car on top of a tree. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:11 | |
A police spokesman said... | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Who'd like to see the car having been carefully removed | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
from the tree? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
In other news of tall tales relating to cars, | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
Dorset Police have revealed a list of excuses for driving offences. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:37 | |
What excuse to a motorist give | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
when stopped for not wearing his seatbelt? | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
"Come near me, copper, and I'll cut you!" | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Citing the law that made wearing a seatbelt a legal requirement | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
in 1982, the motorist told officers... | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Adding "but as we clearly can't settle this matter, | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
"I challenge you, sir, to a duel." | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
Finally, talking of excuses, Ken, do you have one for this outfit? | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Was it in The Sun? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
It was in The Sun, oddly enough. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
I think Rebekah just liked me topless. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Page 3 has evolved, hasn't it?! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Actually, for someone who's 66, that's not bad. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
I'm glad you said that. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
I bet now, if we all took our tops off, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
I wouldn't look to bad compared to you! | 0:22:27 | 0:22:31 | |
Come on, come on! | 0:22:31 | 0:22:32 | |
Oh, come on, we're all friends, why not?! | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
-Can we then wrestle? -Yeah. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
Then we'll take our bottoms off. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Take our bottoms off?! | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
Start shagging each other. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:47 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
Your four are Florence the Shark, | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
Matthew O'Callaghan, the Chairman of Melton Mowbray Porkpie Association, | 0:22:58 | 0:23:03 | |
Morrissey and Whittaker's Sundew. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
-Yes. -Whittaker's Sundew is a flower from New South Wales | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
and the others aren't. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
I've got one, then! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:15 | |
BUZZER One's a shark. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
< Ah, that could be from Australia. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
The only thing I know is that shark's a vegetarian. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
And?! | 0:23:26 | 0:23:27 | |
That's all I know in the whole world! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
The only thing that eats meat there is the flower. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
I bet the flower's one of those meat-eating flowers. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Absolutely correct! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
Brilliant. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
What sort of meat does the plant eat? | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Lamb chops? | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
Kebabs? | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
That looks like sticky bits on the leaf, so I assume small insects. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
Yes, very good, Ken. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
Bison? | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Have you ever seen a fight between one of those flowers and a bison? | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
It can go on for hours. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
Yeah, Ken's right, this plant does eat insects. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Matthew O'Callaghan, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
the chairman of the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
has admitted that he's actually a vegetarian. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
I thought you were going to say | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
he's admitted there was no meat in his pork pies. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:17 | |
Has anybody any idea where Mr O'Callaghan | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
made his shocking confession? | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Not the Socialist Economic Bulletin. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
No, according to the Daily Mail, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
he was speaking at the annual British Pie Awards | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
He told a gathering of pie manufacturers, | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
"I had a bad experience in Bangkok and cannot face meat again." | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
They are all vegetarian, apart from Whittaker's Sundew | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
which is a carnivorous plant | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
Botanically-speaking, the order of Australian plants | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
is divided between two sub-genii - | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
Carnivorous and bloody poofta. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
Right, time now for the Missing Words round | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
which this week features as its guest publication... | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
Cat Fancy. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Or, as I call it, The Spinster. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
And we start with... | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
"Tonnes of cat poo." | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
Is it "lost people?" | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
-No, the actual answer is mobility scooters. -Oh, yes. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:28 | |
This is the news that Britain is the mobility-scooter capital of Europe. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
Technically, you have to have a medical reason | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
to be allowed to drive a mobility scooter, | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
although it appears these reasons include an allergy to exercise | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
and a clinical dependence on chips. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
Next... | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
"Something 10 foot away." | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
"I could smell cat mess from 10 feet away." | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
-You're obsessed by cat mess. -It's bloody Cat Weekly, isn't it? | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
-Yeah, but it could be other things apart from mess. -"Boris Johnson." | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
"Says lonely widow." | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
"Who's increased the security on her front door." | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
"Who's boarded up the cat flap." | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Which isn't a euphemism. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
The answer is "Miche's fish breath." | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Yes, according to Cat Fancy, | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
The main one being how it licks out its own arsehole. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
And lastly - | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
"Massive cat." | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
I wandered lonely as a shroud? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
Somebody dressed up in a shroud for a funeral? | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
It's actually "nuke cloud". | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
This is the plan to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
below the Lake District. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says, | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
"The upside is, that after 2 million years it should be mostly harmless." | 0:27:01 | 0:27:06 | |
So, if you're watching the repeat on Dave - all clear. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
And so the final scores are... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
Ian and Ken have four points, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
Paul and Joe have seven points. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
"Boy lies about having identical horses." | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
Is the big horse saying to the little one, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
"There is a great big bowl of cocaine over the - | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
"I just walked straight into it." | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
And I leave you with news that at a shopping centre in Gloucester, | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
a confused old man startles passers-by | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
with a tirade of bigoted abuse. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
At Vladimir Putin's birthday-party parade, | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
after soldiers marched non-stop for 12 hours | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
there is a slight problem with cramp. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
And, capitalising on her love of horses, | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
Scotland Yard sends an undercover cop to spy on Rebekah Brooks. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
Good night. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 |