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APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Thank you so much. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
Good evening to you. | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
I'm William Shatner. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
In the news this week, | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
as...Didier Drogba leaves London, in his private jet, | 0:01:10 | 0:01:17 | |
there's evidence that Roman Abramovich doesn't want him to go. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
As an Afghan army recruit reports back to base, | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
there are suspicions that he may have spent too long | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
patrolling the poppy fields. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
And, at the G8 banquet for world leaders, | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
Nick Clegg is given a vital role. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who says | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
he runs for at least an hour every day. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
It's not a health thing, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
it's just a lot of people he's been nasty about | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
want to punch him in the face. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Please welcome Charlie Brooker. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
With Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
who supports Chelsea, | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
so expect him to perform badly throughout the evening | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
but somehow end up on the winning side. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Ooh! | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
Andy Hamilton. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
We start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Ian and Charlie, take a look at this. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
-It's the G8 Summit. -It's Cameron sunning his moobs. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
It's the French Prime Minister. He hasn't got the hang of it. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
That's a man using a computer to monitor | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
the three remaining coins in the economy. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
This is the G8 Summit | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
and Greece's attempts to "Klingon" to the euro. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
GROANS AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:08 | 0:03:13 | |
Can I just say, what a joy and what a surreal experience it is | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
having you on this show. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
May I say | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
it's an out-of-body experience for me too. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
How did the, er... | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
How did the Head of the International Institute of Finance | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
describe the state of Europe? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
-It's a catastrophe. -It's a eurozone meltdown, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
which sounds like a gay nightclub. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
It was somewhere between... | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
Your Sunday Times newspaper painted the worse case scenario. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
It's not ours! | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
It belongs to Mr Murdoch, he's yours. He's an American. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
THIS Sunday Times newspaper | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
painted the worse-case scenario in the event of the Greeks | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
crashing out of the euro. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Can you describe it to me? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
There's a run on the banks, in Greece. Then we're exposed to that | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
then all the other countries fail. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Then giant rats roam the streets throughout the whole of Europe. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:15 | |
We're invaded by aliens. There's only one man to call on. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
They said: | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
But on the other hand... | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Don't worry, David Cameron's got it all under control. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
-It's his ship now. -Yes, it's his ship | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
but not with a P. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Would you like to see the G8 leaders adopting a tough stance? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
-Yes. -Yes, please. -Here they are! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
There's ten of them. They can't even count. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
They did come to an agreement, though. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
They've agreed to do nothing. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Didn't they agree to buy the man at the end a new jumper? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
ANDY: That's just somebody's dad. He's wandered in. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
What did the French President do wrong at the G8 Summit, | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
according to the Telegraph? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
According to the Telegraph? Well, he's French. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
Apparently, Francois Hollande... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Here they are at dinner with no ties. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
You can see how Camp David is relaxed and peaceful | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
and the others are enjoying themselves too. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
Medvedev's choice of an ice breaker joke, with Angela Merkel is... | 0:05:48 | 0:05:54 | |
That looks like a Nazi salute. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
The left hand's coming up to do that. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
"Do you remember him? Do you remember him, love? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
-"Do you remember him?" -Where was the real talking done? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
-CHARLIE: On a treadmill. -On a treadmill, was it? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
-Early in the morning. -Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor! | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
It was on a running machine early in the morning after the dinner. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
Cameron and Obama went to the gym together | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
and according to the Observer: | 0:06:21 | 0:06:22 | |
I kind of imagine that when Obama knocked on Cameron's cabin door, | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Cameron opened it... in a short bathrobe, | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
his legs shiny with oil... | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
..and the muscles of his thighs... | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
That's what you'd do, isn't it? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
You can see why Obama's going for the gay marriage vote. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Or why he has an affinity towards Merkel. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
AUDIENCE: Oooh! | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
I'm sorry, these things will be cut out as we go along. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
How has this casual approach... | 0:07:04 | 0:07:08 | |
You haven't seen this show, have you? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
That's true, and luckily, I may add. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
He is accused of chillaxing too much. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
Chillaxing is a horrible word. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
It's a combination of chilling out and relaxing. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
Anyone who combines words like that is just a funt. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:32 | 0:07:37 | |
You're right, he was chillaxing. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
He cooks, he drinks wine, he watches DVDs with his wife. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
-AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION: -Plays snooker, | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
-has his own karaoke machine. -Plays what? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Snooker. It's another blend word. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
-Snoozing with... -With a bit of nookie! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
You play it with something long and balls. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
You chalk the tip as well. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
I don't see the problem with Cameron relaxing. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
This thing about he watches films on DVD. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
If he's watching a film on DVD, | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
that's an hour-and-a-half where he can't be doing any damage. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Can you name some of his favourite pieces of relaxation technology? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
He's addicted to playing a video game called Fruit Ninja. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
There are video games he could play where he learns to run a country | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
or oversee the infrastructure of a small city but, no, | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
he's swiping at revolving fruit. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
That serves no purpose. Britain has never and will never | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
come under attack from revolving fruit. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Until it does, he's wasting his time. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
What other leisure activities were available at Camp David? | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
-Watching the football. -Yeah. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Here they are watching the first shoot-out | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
that Obama watched live on TV. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
David Cameron had plenty of other things to worry about. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
What just emerged from the Leveson Inquiry about the BSkyB bid? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:09 | |
This is a memo to Cameron from Jeremy Hunt. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Mr Hunt was meant to be an impartial judge about whether Mr Murdoch, | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
who owns YOUR Sunday Times, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
should be allowed to own anything else over here. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
Mr Hunt appeared to have already made up his mind, extraordinarily. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Well, what is being done about it? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Well, phasers set to stun, I think. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
It's true. He's got that duckling tuft thing. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
-Duckling Tuft? -Yeah. -One of the finest | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
Shakespearean actors this country ever produced? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
-You saw Duckling Tuft in his prime. -He played Hamlet. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
-He lost but he... -He became Sir Duckling Tuft. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
On the subject of the Champions League Final, | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
did anyone notice what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
after the final whistle? | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Yes. He got into his kit, didn't he? He celebrated with everyone else. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
He'd been suspended and he got into his kit. To be fair, he's used to | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
getting changed very quickly. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
Usually, when he hears a key in the front door. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:11 | |
-"Honey, I'm home." -Exactly. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
No, he took credit for something he hadn't done. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Many people thought John Terry was intruding on | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
somebody else's great moment | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
and some people on the internet did this. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:24 | 0:10:29 | |
This is the G8 meeting of world leaders. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared: | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
That's what you need in a crisis. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
A mad Scotsman shouting, "We cannot take it any longer, captain!" | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Paul and Andy, take a look at this. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
All right. This is the Olympic Flame. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
The beginning of the Olympic Games. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
The plane's been dipped in a special bowl of Olympic custard. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
-He's been to Ratners. -He's been to Ratners. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
This is the eternal flame that keeps going out. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
I don't know if it's actually alight there or not. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
The Olympics are coming to London. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
They've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
How did the Olympic Flame arrive on British soil? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
It was flown in that plane, which Boris described as | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
a custard-coloured comet, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
streaking through the sky to bring Promethean fire | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
from the Greek homeland to London. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
You think I'm making it up. That's exactly what he said. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
It goes out a lot, this flame. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
-It does... -Then they take it back to the Mother Flame. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Every time it goes out, it's like they think we're all children. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
"Oh, there's this sacred Mother Flame that we keep in the van." | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
-They go and relight it. -It flew from Greece... | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
The Mother Flame, isn't that the sun? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
They should erect a scaffold to the sun, that would be impressive. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
A long piece of folded newspaper, just to get a light of it. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
So it arrived in the golden plane, as you said, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment | 0:12:18 | 0:12:24 | |
when that helicopter arrived. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed and hard to miss. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:30 | 0:12:35 | |
-What is the relay a chance to show the world? -That we are British. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Yes. And we understand about fire. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Yeah, we understand the sacred flame of gorgeous goodness! | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
It is a chance to showcase some of Britain's most beautiful landmarks. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
According to the Daily Mirror: | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Eh, er...Di-dier, uh...Drogba... | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
-Do you have any idea what any of these words mean? -Didier! | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Why doesn't he change his name? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:04 | |
..carried the torch through Swindon town centre. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
And which unsung community hero carried the torch through Taunton? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
-Oh, I know that. -You know that? In Somerset. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
These torches were meant to be carried by local people | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
to show the community spirit. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
And in Taunton it was Will.I.Am. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas, | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
here he is telling the BBC | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
how important an experience it was to him. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:33 | |
So, yeah, this is like... it feels like a dream. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:37 | |
Something that you always saw on TV growing up, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
so to be here today in the UK, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
with all the hard work it took me to get to this level, | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
to be able to do that, | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
following, pursuing my dreams, and, you know... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
and now I am here in the UK running the torch, it is great. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:59 | |
He said, "I grew up watching this as a kid." | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
I never remember ever seeing the torch being run. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
It wasn't on every day, was it? Like Star Trek! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
You know, I watched that with my dinner on my lap every evening, | 0:14:12 | 0:14:16 | |
but not...you know, I had a plate! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
-You weren't just throwing up? -No! -"Star Trek? Eurgh!" | 0:14:17 | 0:14:23 | |
"Quick, chuck something at the screen!" | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
What have some of the relay runners been criticised for doing? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:33 | |
As soon as you've walked your five metres as part of the spectacle, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:38 | |
you sell it on eBay. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
They've come in for criticism for selling the torches on eBay. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Andrew Bell, who ran a leg of the journey in Cornwall, | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
removed his eBay advertisement | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
after messages of complaint were posted on the website | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
but he explained: | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
What caused confusion in Truro? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
They're Cornish, they'll always be confused in Truro. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
-I'm going to Truro on Sunday for a gig. -Are you? Good luck, Paul! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
No, I'm dissociating myself from everything you say. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
You told me to say that before we came on, you know that. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Well, crowds lining the streets in the Cornish town | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
saw someone running down the high street and got ready to cheer | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
as the torch-bearer came past. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
According to the Daily Mail, however: | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
Meanwhile, according to the Daily Telegraph, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
thousands of people lining the streets | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
have given the relay a carnival feel. For example: | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
You Brits really know how to put on a show(!) | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
You wait until you see our opening ceremony! | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
-There will be hundreds of chips. Dancing chips. -Six or seven cod. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:24 | |
Boris in a giant cod costume. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
This is the Olympic torch, | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
GROANS | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
Namely... Yes, I agree with you. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Namely, Truro and Ilfraco-o-o-ombe. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:42 | |
It sounds deeply sexual. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:45 | |
-Kind of like a cigar advert. -Have you been to Ilfracombe? -I have. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
The place is laced with prostitution. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
That's their new slogan now! | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe!" | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
Will.I.Am carried the torch through Taunton... | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
..and thousands lined the streets | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
to witness this once-in-a-lifetime sight. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
Oh, my God, a black guy in the West Country. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
That's not racist, I'm the guy who kissed Uhura. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
-Now we're in round two. Yes! -CHEERING | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
And I'm going to give you musical clues. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:33 | |
This is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
OK, see, I appeal to the masses, not to the intelligentsia. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
OK, here we go. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
"ROCKET MAN" BACKING TRACK PLAYS | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
And I think it's going to be a long, long time | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Till touchdown brings me round again to find | 0:17:54 | 0:17:59 | |
That I'm not the man they thought I am...at home | 0:17:59 | 0:18:05 | |
Oh, no, no, no, no | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
I'm a rocket man. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Anybody? | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:14 | 0:18:15 | |
I'm just overwhelmed by this! | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
Anybody got an idea? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
There is a rocket, which is a commercial rocket | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
that's been launched, and on it are the remains of your co-star. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
-Yes, it is. -I read that in the Telegraph, and thought, | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
how fitting and appropriate, Scotty's ashes going to space. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
And I turned the page and there was a report | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
that the man who invented the TV remote control had died. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
I thought, what they should do with his ashes | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
is put them somewhere where you can never find them. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
Or with lots of urns that look very similar. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:54 | |
"Actually, that urn." | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
This is the news | 0:19:00 | 0:19:01 | |
that an exciting new era of commercial space travel has begun | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
with the successful launch of the Dragon. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Shall we have a look at how this thrilling new dawn began? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
Five, four, three, two, one, zero... | 0:19:09 | 0:19:15 | |
and liftoff. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
We have a cutout. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
Liftoff did not occur. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
-What was the problem blamed on? -Romulans. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
It was expecting the universe to rush towards us. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
They were computer problems based on gremlins. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
The launch heralded in a new era of privately funded space travel. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
According to the Times, | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
when a spokesman was asked: | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
..he replied: | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
OK, another musical clue for you. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
Oh, Canada | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
I stand on guard for thee | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
Oh, Canada | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
We stand on guard...for...thee. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Are you reminded of any Canada-related news stories? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:27 | |
That old joke about Dean Martin, who saw a sign that said, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
"Drink Canada Dry", so he went there and did. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
This is the news that a nude painting | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
of the Prime Minister of Canada has been sold. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
Here it is. It's entitled Emperor Haute Couture. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
Yes. I must say the painting looks well hung. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:50 | |
Has that dog been fed? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
I'd be nervous. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
In other art-related news, | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
what can you see at a new art exhibition in London? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
There's an invisible pillar. The artwork is not there. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
-To make you think what MIGHT be. -Why is it not here? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
-In a sense, it IS here. -Hmm. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
ANDY: I can see it. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
But you're on special medication. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
The Hayward Gallery is gathering together | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
50 invisible works by famous artists for display. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Shall we have a look at a couple? | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
Ah, yes, well, these are twin pieces. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
The first one is A White Persian Cat In Snowstorm. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
The other one is... | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
Lib Dem Manifesto. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:35 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
The painting of the Prime Minister's naked penis can be | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
seen on a wall in a public library, | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
hanging between two Pollocks. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
In London, | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
a exhibition of invisible artworks will open to the public in June. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
According to The Times... | 0:21:58 | 0:21:59 | |
So the one thing they can see... | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
is you coming. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
A final musical clue for you now. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
God save the Queen | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
The fascist regime | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
They made you a moron | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Potential H-bomb. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
Anybody got any ideas? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Other than throwing me out! | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
Is it the Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted from | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
a royal-themed tearoom for refusing to stand up | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
-during the National Anthem. -Oh, yes. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
-Who owns the tearoom? -A mad lady. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
Is it Princess Margaret? | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
It's Anita Atkinson, | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
3pm every day... | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Oh, that's nice and respectful(!) | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
Is there anything else about the tearoom that the ejected | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
pensioneers disliked, apart from the National...? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
"Pensioneers"? That's a good word. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:26 | |
-That makes them sound more get up and go. -There's four of them... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:31 | |
-But it has such a common sound. -No, I love it. -And you want pensioneers! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:37 | |
-Like pioneers. -Pioneers, exactly. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
-People who go out and get those... -And rest. -..winter fuel allowances. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
And say, "One for all and all for... | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
"Sorry, I've forgotten what I came in here for." | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
You people are messed up! | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
And I say that coming from a country that brought you | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:02 | |
Time now for the missing words round, and we start with: | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
Leader performs badly. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
William Hague's father recently clambered onto a flying aircraft, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:25 | |
completed long hikes, climbed mountains, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
and he still can't shake off the bastard. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
"Will you get away from me, son? Let me die in peace!" | 0:24:34 | 0:24:40 | |
Next: | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Tortoise to harangue the nation. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
ANDY: Britain's rudest Royal to tell nation to stick Jubilee up its arse. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
This is the closure of Palfrey and Kemp, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
a shop in Leamington whose owners, Terry Palfrey and Geoff Kemp, | 0:25:01 | 0:25:06 | |
were described by the Independent as being... | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
And soon there will be a sign on the door that says, | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
"(BLEEP) off, we're closed!" | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
That is rude. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I never thought I'd hear Captain Kirk say that. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
What about TJ Hooker? He was meant to be a policeman! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
Next: | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
Regained India. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
But only because she had run out of stamps, | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
so she had to slam her head against the envelope. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard? | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
BANG! Mail this! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
And so, the final scores are, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
-Ian and Charlie have four... -No, they don't. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
-It's the other way round. -Ian and Charlie have six. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
-It's not important! -It's not accurate! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
-And Paul and Andy have seven. -Seven! Hooray! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
On which note we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
Ian Hislop and Charlie Brooker, | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Paul Morton and Andy Hamilton... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE -What have I done? | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
Should I be here? Shall I go? | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
-Paul MERTON. -Oh, I'm back! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:49 | |
On which note we say thank you to our panellists, | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
Ian Hilsop and Charlie Brooker... | 0:26:53 | 0:26:54 | |
On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop | 0:26:56 | 0:27:00 | |
and Charlie Brooker, and Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
And I leave you with the news that at the G8 summit, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
the decision on whether Germany should fund the euro bailout | 0:27:15 | 0:27:20 | |
goes to a show of hands. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
Day one of his Australian outback holiday, | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
and it's the same old story for George Michael. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance, | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work, | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
Clegg and Cameron, The Coalition. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
Good night. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:50 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:19 | 0:28:20 | |
I don't know the rules of this game, so isn't it theirs? | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
Although there are opposing teams, | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
I sort of feel there's a spirit of humanity | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
that somehow we can reach across and make friends. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
Was there any television series you were ever involved in | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
that gave that idea that civilisation...? | 0:28:37 | 0:28:38 | |
The whole thing is competition! You should be at each other's throats! | 0:28:38 | 0:28:41 | |
We're under attack, captain! | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
Co-ordinate, co-ordinate. Let's go this way. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
That's it, that's it, that's it. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 |