Episode 7 Have I Got News for You


Episode 7

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you so much.

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Good evening to you.

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Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm William Shatner.

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In the news this week,

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as...Didier Drogba leaves London, in his private jet,

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there's evidence that Roman Abramovich doesn't want him to go.

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As an Afghan army recruit reports back to base,

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there are suspicions that he may have spent too long

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patrolling the poppy fields.

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And, at the G8 banquet for world leaders,

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Nick Clegg is given a vital role.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who says

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he runs for at least an hour every day.

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It's not a health thing,

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it's just a lot of people he's been nasty about

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want to punch him in the face.

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Please welcome Charlie Brooker.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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With Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster

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who supports Chelsea,

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so expect him to perform badly throughout the evening

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but somehow end up on the winning side.

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Ooh!

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Andy Hamilton.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Charlie, take a look at this.

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-It's the G8 Summit.

-It's Cameron sunning his moobs.

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It's the French Prime Minister. He hasn't got the hang of it.

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That's a man using a computer to monitor

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the three remaining coins in the economy.

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This is the G8 Summit

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and Greece's attempts to "Klingon" to the euro.

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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Can I just say, what a joy and what a surreal experience it is

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having you on this show.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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May I say

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it's an out-of-body experience for me too.

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How did the, er...

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How did the Head of the International Institute of Finance

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describe the state of Europe?

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-It's a catastrophe.

-It's a eurozone meltdown,

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which sounds like a gay nightclub.

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It was somewhere between...

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Your Sunday Times newspaper painted the worse case scenario.

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It's not ours!

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It belongs to Mr Murdoch, he's yours. He's an American.

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THIS Sunday Times newspaper

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painted the worse-case scenario in the event of the Greeks

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crashing out of the euro.

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Can you describe it to me?

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There's a run on the banks, in Greece. Then we're exposed to that

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then all the other countries fail.

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Then giant rats roam the streets throughout the whole of Europe.

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We're invaded by aliens. There's only one man to call on.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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They said:

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But on the other hand...

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Don't worry, David Cameron's got it all under control.

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-It's his ship now.

-Yes, it's his ship

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but not with a P.

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Would you like to see the G8 leaders adopting a tough stance?

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-Yes.

-Yes, please.

-Here they are!

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There's ten of them. They can't even count.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They did come to an agreement, though.

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They've agreed to do nothing.

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Didn't they agree to buy the man at the end a new jumper?

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ANDY: That's just somebody's dad. He's wandered in.

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What did the French President do wrong at the G8 Summit,

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according to the Telegraph?

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According to the Telegraph? Well, he's French.

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Apparently, Francois Hollande...

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Here they are at dinner with no ties.

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You can see how Camp David is relaxed and peaceful

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and the others are enjoying themselves too.

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Medvedev's choice of an ice breaker joke, with Angela Merkel is...

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That looks like a Nazi salute.

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The left hand's coming up to do that.

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"Do you remember him? Do you remember him, love?

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-"Do you remember him?"

-Where was the real talking done?

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Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?

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-CHARLIE: On a treadmill.

-On a treadmill, was it?

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-Early in the morning.

-Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor!

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It was on a running machine early in the morning after the dinner.

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Cameron and Obama went to the gym together

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and according to the Observer:

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I kind of imagine that when Obama knocked on Cameron's cabin door,

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Cameron opened it... in a short bathrobe,

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his legs shiny with oil...

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..and the muscles of his thighs...

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That's what you'd do, isn't it?

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You can see why Obama's going for the gay marriage vote.

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Or why he has an affinity towards Merkel.

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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I'm sorry, these things will be cut out as we go along.

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How has this casual approach...

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You haven't seen this show, have you?

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That's true, and luckily, I may add.

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How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?

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He is accused of chillaxing too much.

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Chillaxing is a horrible word.

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It's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.

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Anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You're right, he was chillaxing.

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He cooks, he drinks wine, he watches DVDs with his wife.

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-AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION:

-Plays snooker,

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-has his own karaoke machine.

-Plays what?

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Snooker. It's another blend word.

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-Snoozing with...

-With a bit of nookie!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You play it with something long and balls.

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You chalk the tip as well.

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I don't see the problem with Cameron relaxing.

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This thing about he watches films on DVD.

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If he's watching a film on DVD,

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that's an hour-and-a-half where he can't be doing any damage.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Can you name some of his favourite pieces of relaxation technology?

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He's addicted to playing a video game called Fruit Ninja.

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There are video games he could play where he learns to run a country

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or oversee the infrastructure of a small city but, no,

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he's swiping at revolving fruit.

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That serves no purpose. Britain has never and will never

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come under attack from revolving fruit.

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Until it does, he's wasting his time.

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What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?

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-Watching the football.

-Yeah.

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Here they are watching the first shoot-out

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that Obama watched live on TV.

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Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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David Cameron had plenty of other things to worry about.

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What just emerged from the Leveson Inquiry about the BSkyB bid?

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This is a memo to Cameron from Jeremy Hunt.

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Mr Hunt was meant to be an impartial judge about whether Mr Murdoch,

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who owns YOUR Sunday Times,

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should be allowed to own anything else over here.

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Mr Hunt appeared to have already made up his mind, extraordinarily.

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Well, what is being done about it?

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Well, phasers set to stun, I think.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?

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It's true. He's got that duckling tuft thing.

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-Duckling Tuft?

-Yeah.

-One of the finest

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Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?

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-You saw Duckling Tuft in his prime.

-He played Hamlet.

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-He lost but he...

-He became Sir Duckling Tuft.

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On the subject of the Champions League Final,

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did anyone notice what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did

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after the final whistle?

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Yes. He got into his kit, didn't he? He celebrated with everyone else.

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He'd been suspended and he got into his kit. To be fair, he's used to

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getting changed very quickly.

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Usually, when he hears a key in the front door.

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-"Honey, I'm home."

-Exactly.

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No, he took credit for something he hadn't done.

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Many people thought John Terry was intruding on

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somebody else's great moment

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and some people on the internet did this.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is the G8 meeting of world leaders.

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In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:

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That's what you need in a crisis.

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A mad Scotsman shouting, "We cannot take it any longer, captain!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Paul and Andy, take a look at this.

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All right. This is the Olympic Flame.

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The beginning of the Olympic Games.

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The plane's been dipped in a special bowl of Olympic custard.

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-He's been to Ratners.

-He's been to Ratners.

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This is the eternal flame that keeps going out.

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I don't know if it's actually alight there or not.

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The Olympics are coming to London.

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They've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.

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That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda.

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How did the Olympic Flame arrive on British soil?

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It was flown in that plane, which Boris described as

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a custard-coloured comet,

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streaking through the sky to bring Promethean fire

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from the Greek homeland to London.

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You think I'm making it up. That's exactly what he said.

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It goes out a lot, this flame.

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-It does...

-Then they take it back to the Mother Flame.

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Every time it goes out, it's like they think we're all children.

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"Oh, there's this sacred Mother Flame that we keep in the van."

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-They go and relight it.

-It flew from Greece...

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The Mother Flame, isn't that the sun?

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They should erect a scaffold to the sun, that would be impressive.

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A long piece of folded newspaper, just to get a light of it.

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So it arrived in the golden plane, as you said,

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then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.

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Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment

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when that helicopter arrived.

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REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed and hard to miss.

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LAUGHTER

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-What is the relay a chance to show the world?

-That we are British.

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Yes. And we understand about fire.

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Yeah, we understand the sacred flame of gorgeous goodness!

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It is a chance to showcase some of Britain's most beautiful landmarks.

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According to the Daily Mirror:

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Eh, er...Di-dier, uh...Drogba...

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-Do you have any idea what any of these words mean?

-Didier!

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Why doesn't he change his name?

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..carried the torch through Swindon town centre.

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And which unsung community hero carried the torch through Taunton?

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-Oh, I know that.

-You know that? In Somerset.

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These torches were meant to be carried by local people

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to show the community spirit.

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And in Taunton it was Will.I.Am.

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Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas,

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here he is telling the BBC

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how important an experience it was to him.

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So, yeah, this is like... it feels like a dream.

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Something that you always saw on TV growing up,

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so to be here today in the UK,

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with all the hard work it took me to get to this level,

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to be able to do that,

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following, pursuing my dreams, and, you know...

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and now I am here in the UK running the torch, it is great.

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He said, "I grew up watching this as a kid."

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I never remember ever seeing the torch being run.

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It wasn't on every day, was it? Like Star Trek!

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You know, I watched that with my dinner on my lap every evening,

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but not...you know, I had a plate!

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-You weren't just throwing up?

-No!

-"Star Trek? Eurgh!"

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"Quick, chuck something at the screen!"

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What have some of the relay runners been criticised for doing?

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As soon as you've walked your five metres as part of the spectacle,

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you sell it on eBay.

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They've come in for criticism for selling the torches on eBay.

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Andrew Bell, who ran a leg of the journey in Cornwall,

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removed his eBay advertisement

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after messages of complaint were posted on the website

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but he explained:

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What caused confusion in Truro?

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They're Cornish, they'll always be confused in Truro.

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-I'm going to Truro on Sunday for a gig.

-Are you? Good luck, Paul!

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No, I'm dissociating myself from everything you say.

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You told me to say that before we came on, you know that.

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Well, crowds lining the streets in the Cornish town

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saw someone running down the high street and got ready to cheer

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as the torch-bearer came past.

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According to the Daily Mail, however:

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Meanwhile, according to the Daily Telegraph,

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thousands of people lining the streets

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have given the relay a carnival feel. For example:

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You Brits really know how to put on a show(!)

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You wait until you see our opening ceremony!

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-There will be hundreds of chips. Dancing chips.

-Six or seven cod.

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Boris in a giant cod costume.

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This is the Olympic torch,

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which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.

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GROANS

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Namely... Yes, I agree with you.

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Namely, Truro and Ilfraco-o-o-ombe.

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It sounds deeply sexual.

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-Kind of like a cigar advert.

-Have you been to Ilfracombe?

-I have.

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The place is laced with prostitution.

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That's their new slogan now!

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"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe!"

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Will.I.Am carried the torch through Taunton...

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..and thousands lined the streets

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to witness this once-in-a-lifetime sight.

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Oh, my God, a black guy in the West Country.

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That's not racist, I'm the guy who kissed Uhura.

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-Now we're in round two. Yes!

-CHEERING

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And I'm going to give you musical clues.

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This is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, see, I appeal to the masses, not to the intelligentsia.

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OK, here we go.

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"ROCKET MAN" BACKING TRACK PLAYS

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And I think it's going to be a long, long time

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Till touchdown brings me round again to find

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That I'm not the man they thought I am...at home

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Oh, no, no, no, no

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I'm a rocket man.

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Anybody?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm just overwhelmed by this!

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Anybody got an idea?

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There is a rocket, which is a commercial rocket

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that's been launched, and on it are the remains of your co-star.

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-Yes, it is.

-I read that in the Telegraph, and thought,

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how fitting and appropriate, Scotty's ashes going to space.

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And I turned the page and there was a report

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that the man who invented the TV remote control had died.

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I thought, what they should do with his ashes

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is put them somewhere where you can never find them.

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Or with lots of urns that look very similar.

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"Actually, that urn."

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This is the news

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that an exciting new era of commercial space travel has begun

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with the successful launch of the Dragon.

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Shall we have a look at how this thrilling new dawn began?

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Five, four, three, two, one, zero...

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and liftoff.

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We have a cutout.

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Liftoff did not occur.

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-What was the problem blamed on?

-Romulans.

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It was expecting the universe to rush towards us.

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They were computer problems based on gremlins.

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The launch heralded in a new era of privately funded space travel.

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According to the Times,

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when a spokesman was asked:

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..he replied:

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OK, another musical clue for you.

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CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS

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Oh, Canada

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I stand on guard for thee

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Oh, Canada

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We stand on guard...for...thee.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Are you reminded of any Canada-related news stories?

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That old joke about Dean Martin, who saw a sign that said,

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"Drink Canada Dry", so he went there and did.

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This is the news that a nude painting

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of the Prime Minister of Canada has been sold.

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Here it is. It's entitled Emperor Haute Couture.

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Yes. I must say the painting looks well hung.

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Has that dog been fed?

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I'd be nervous.

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In other art-related news,

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what can you see at a new art exhibition in London?

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There's an invisible pillar. The artwork is not there.

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-To make you think what MIGHT be.

-Why is it not here?

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-In a sense, it IS here.

-Hmm.

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ANDY: I can see it.

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But you're on special medication.

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The Hayward Gallery is gathering together

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50 invisible works by famous artists for display.

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Shall we have a look at a couple?

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Ah, yes, well, these are twin pieces.

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The first one is A White Persian Cat In Snowstorm.

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The other one is...

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Lib Dem Manifesto.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The painting of the Prime Minister's naked penis can be

0:21:400:21:44

seen on a wall in a public library,

0:21:440:21:47

hanging between two Pollocks.

0:21:470:21:49

In London,

0:21:540:21:56

a exhibition of invisible artworks will open to the public in June.

0:21:560:21:58

According to The Times...

0:21:580:21:59

So the one thing they can see...

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is you coming.

0:22:050:22:07

A final musical clue for you now.

0:22:090:22:13

MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols

0:22:130:22:17

God save the Queen

0:22:190:22:23

The fascist regime

0:22:230:22:25

They made you a moron

0:22:260:22:28

Potential H-bomb.

0:22:280:22:30

Anybody got any ideas?

0:22:310:22:33

Other than throwing me out!

0:22:340:22:38

Is it the Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?

0:22:400:22:43

Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted from

0:22:440:22:47

a royal-themed tearoom for refusing to stand up

0:22:470:22:51

-during the National Anthem.

-Oh, yes.

0:22:510:22:53

-Who owns the tearoom?

-A mad lady.

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Is it Princess Margaret?

0:22:560:22:58

It's Anita Atkinson,

0:22:590:23:01

whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.

0:23:010:23:04

3pm every day...

0:23:070:23:09

Oh, that's nice and respectful(!)

0:23:140:23:17

Is there anything else about the tearoom that the ejected

0:23:190:23:22

pensioneers disliked, apart from the National...?

0:23:220:23:25

"Pensioneers"? That's a good word.

0:23:250:23:26

-That makes them sound more get up and go.

-There's four of them...

0:23:260:23:31

-But it has such a common sound.

-No, I love it.

-And you want pensioneers!

0:23:320:23:37

-Like pioneers.

-Pioneers, exactly.

0:23:370:23:39

-People who go out and get those...

-And rest.

-..winter fuel allowances.

0:23:390:23:44

And say, "One for all and all for...

0:23:460:23:48

"Sorry, I've forgotten what I came in here for."

0:23:480:23:50

You people are messed up!

0:23:520:23:55

And I say that coming from a country that brought you

0:23:550:23:58

the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.

0:23:580:24:02

Time now for the missing words round, and we start with:

0:24:030:24:06

Leader performs badly.

0:24:100:24:13

William Hague's father recently clambered onto a flying aircraft,

0:24:200:24:25

completed long hikes, climbed mountains,

0:24:250:24:27

and he still can't shake off the bastard.

0:24:270:24:29

"Will you get away from me, son? Let me die in peace!"

0:24:340:24:40

Next:

0:24:400:24:42

Tortoise to harangue the nation.

0:24:450:24:47

ANDY: Britain's rudest Royal to tell nation to stick Jubilee up its arse.

0:24:480:24:52

This is the closure of Palfrey and Kemp,

0:24:590:25:01

a shop in Leamington whose owners, Terry Palfrey and Geoff Kemp,

0:25:010:25:06

were described by the Independent as being...

0:25:060:25:09

And soon there will be a sign on the door that says,

0:25:110:25:13

"(BLEEP) off, we're closed!"

0:25:130:25:15

That is rude.

0:25:160:25:18

I never thought I'd hear Captain Kirk say that.

0:25:180:25:22

What about TJ Hooker? He was meant to be a policeman!

0:25:220:25:26

Next:

0:25:260:25:27

Regained India.

0:25:310:25:33

But only because she had run out of stamps,

0:25:420:25:45

so she had to slam her head against the envelope.

0:25:450:25:48

Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

0:25:500:25:54

BANG! Mail this!

0:25:540:25:57

And so, the final scores are,

0:25:590:26:04

-Ian and Charlie have four...

-No, they don't.

0:26:040:26:08

LAUGHTER

0:26:080:26:10

-It's the other way round.

-Ian and Charlie have six.

0:26:120:26:15

-It's not important!

-It's not accurate!

0:26:150:26:18

-And Paul and Andy have seven.

-Seven! Hooray!

0:26:180:26:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:26

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:26:290:26:33

Ian Hislop and Charlie Brooker,

0:26:330:26:36

Paul Morton and Andy Hamilton...

0:26:360:26:38

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What have I done?

0:26:380:26:40

Should I be here? Shall I go?

0:26:420:26:45

-Paul MERTON.

-Oh, I'm back!

0:26:450:26:49

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:26:490:26:53

Ian Hilsop and Charlie Brooker...

0:26:530:26:54

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

0:26:560:27:00

and Charlie Brooker, and Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.

0:27:000:27:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:040:27:07

And I leave you with the news that at the G8 summit,

0:27:110:27:15

the decision on whether Germany should fund the euro bailout

0:27:150:27:20

goes to a show of hands.

0:27:200:27:21

Day one of his Australian outback holiday,

0:27:250:27:28

and it's the same old story for George Michael.

0:27:280:27:30

And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,

0:27:340:27:36

rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work,

0:27:360:27:41

Clegg and Cameron, The Coalition.

0:27:410:27:44

Good night.

0:27:490:27:50

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:190:28:20

I don't know the rules of this game, so isn't it theirs?

0:28:250:28:28

Although there are opposing teams,

0:28:280:28:30

I sort of feel there's a spirit of humanity

0:28:300:28:32

that somehow we can reach across and make friends.

0:28:320:28:34

Was there any television series you were ever involved in

0:28:340:28:37

that gave that idea that civilisation...?

0:28:370:28:38

The whole thing is competition! You should be at each other's throats!

0:28:380:28:41

We're under attack, captain!

0:28:410:28:44

Co-ordinate, co-ordinate. Let's go this way.

0:28:470:28:50

That's it, that's it, that's it.

0:28:500:28:52

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