Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

Paris. Awed Auditions begin in Paris for the new movie, the Nicka

the Nickleby story. We have Nick Hewer on Paul's team. And with a

stand in on Ian's team, Gordon never really got Tony's ironic,

"you can take over soon" qip, please welcome Ross Noble.

We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Nick take a

look at this. This is a series of U-turns, the Cornish pasties of

great controversy, caravan, they are static Cornish pasties, will be

charged the same as moving Cornish pasties. People can give money to

charities. The old buzzarded are still about. We can't afford colour

there, there is a man who has been psychologically damaged and we have

to pay for it. Did you see the Sun headline on the pasty story, it

said "the chaliceens to the Sun readers". No he didn't, he listened

to the Sun. There should be inverted commas around the word

"readers"! Yes, this is a week of U-turns by a rotten, useless out-

of-touch Government full of useless idiots. How many U tufrpbs has the

Government made now -- U-turns has the Government made now. If you do

two U-turns you end up back where you started. They have made 42 U-

turns -- 34 U-turns, 35 if you count their no U-turn policy. Let's

look at something deeply unadvertising and stuffed full of

crap. Who knew that Greggs did a venison and foie gras range. How

can a pasty now escape a 20 Percival added tax? If it is

allowed to cool gently in the moonlight. The Government

essentially has done a U-turn on a number of thing the public don't

agree with. That is not Government, as you know, Alastair. A million

people saying they don't want the war, you don't listen to them, for

goodness sake! I think not lasting the first five minutes without

mentions Iraq, Ian loses one point. He skillful he introduced the

subject, we were talking about pasties. A pasty won't attract VAT

as long as it is not kept artificially hot. How will bakers

be monitored to charge the right amount of VAT? Travelling food

inspectors armed with thermometers, with testers to thrust in to test

the external and internal temperature, and using the Lewis

Duckworth method, to decide which team would have won if it hasn't

rained. They will not do spot checks on bakers at all. There has

to be an element of trust, we are not here to try to catch people

out! Another U-turn involving the Justice and Security Bill this week,

what are civil liberties' groups worried about? Secret courts.

were very worried about this Government's plans to have more

things like inquests conducted in secret, it is pretty important,

with inquests, that all the facts come out. APPLAUSE

Back to U-turns, and the latest one is buzzards, anyone know what it is

about? They are breeding furiously and eating all the pelts. The young

pheasants. And in fact, we have got one, thank you very much. You have

got a buzzard? Yeah. Not with me! Buzzards have been attacking and

eating pheasants that are specially. That is just what he said. No he

didn't. That is just what he said. No, he said he had a buzzard.

you searched him! Have you patted him down. Can I say there are two

versions here, Alastair's and Nick's.

APPLAUSE Why don't you just change the

information on the card! APPLAUSE

Sorry, sorry, he said it. It was him. That is really enough about

the Government's bad week, sorry, Andy Coulson.

Where did he unexpectedly find himself this week? In the back of a

cop car, heading to Scotland. Because? Because they wanted to

have a word! I had absolutely no idea that you were a gangster,

brilliant! Andy Coulson has been arrested for perjury, during a

trial where someone else was on trial for perjury. While he was

actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking!

Rushocked Alastair? I'm shocked? I'm glad you're shocked. Because

you know, some of the people this Government have been hanging about,

Rebekah Brooks! Know her at all? do. Were you shocked when she was

arrested. I have been shocked by lots of things, Ian.

He has been charged, not just arrested. Which is why Ian is being

so careful, if Andy Coulson, and about me. They haven't charged you

yet! Is it hot in here! In case anyone thinks I'm being gratuitous,

I show Alastair is being to be good tonight, because he's saying he

will be robust and not a bully, whatever anyone says he will be

really reasonable. Tonight? No. That is good to remember if your

kid gets caught kicking a fat kid, he's not a bully, just robust.

probably seemed like a good idea when you said, yes! Did anyone see

Andy Coulson's replacement, Craig Oliver complaining about BBC

coverage? Can we have a look? he is, having what the papers

describe, as an angry rant at the BBC's Norman Smith. You could have

effectively, having a spider's web, with pacemakerure of the Prime

Minister in it, and a picture of Jeremy Hunt and James Murdoch in it,

and saying in your piece, by the way. I don't think that. I rest my

case. Oh dear. Call it a rant, he didn't

even head butt him. And he didn't threaten to close the BBC down

either. He's got nothing. Here we Want a job in a Post Office! On the

subject of the BBC, what is the latest annoying gimmick being used

by on-screen reporters? Flashing their boobs, is it the boob-flash!

It is doing the live pieces to camera, when they are right in

amongst the people that they are talking about. Here's Newsnight's

Paul Mason with an example. French President has disrupted, not

just the traffic here, in Brussels, but all the patterns of previous

summits, but what he needs now is action on his growth agenda.

Here he is again. Mrs Merkel has become the may sayer, she arrived

saying no to the -- may sayer, she arrived saying no to the creation

of current stable bonds. But Merkel knows she's isolated at the summit.

She can go on being isolated, as long as the majority of Germans she

is doing the best she has ever done for their country.

This is the Tories' humiliating U- turn on the pasty tax, which will

lead to the collapse of the collision, and a triumphant return

of the resurgent Labour Government under the lovely Tony Blair. At

lease that's my spin on it. Conservatives have performed

another U-turn on destroying buzzards and their nests. The

problem is buzzards were killing pheasants bred for shoots. If you

are a Tory toff with a gun, why not just shoot the pheasants, why not

just shoot each other. Insieplt to murder, you heard it here --

incitement to murder, you heard it here first! I thought you lost

interest there for a while. Time for Ian and Ross's question. The

Leveson Inquiry. Can come over as a bunch of boring media tossers

talking about themselves, Ian, so I have decided to liven it up a bit,

with my own Levesonometer. So who is this, and what has he been

banging on about? Well, it is the return of Tony Blair. Much missed!

Yeah, yes. To be fair, it was brilliant at Leveson, he didn't

even flinch, he didn't blink, you trained him well, when the guy

jumped out and called him a war criminal, he just went, yeah,

whatever. He didn't say, yeah. his soul he did! I resent that, the

suggestion he has a soul,g ah! The idea that you can say Osborne is

full of shit and defend Blair is unbelievable.

The worst thing is, I heard you use the word "spin", you Tony said

neither you or anyone who worked for him ever span, he said you and

Peter Mandelson were terrifically good at presenting a positive case,

he resented the word "spin". He he talked about bullying, who's the

bully today? He's being robust. watched him, God knows why. I get

the feeling that at any moment you two are going to kiss! Tony's

testimony was interrupted by a protestor called David Lawley-

Wakelin, what did he accuse Tony of? He said he was a war criminal.

He was a very British protestor, he said I'm terribly sorry for

interrupting, I wanted to say you are a war criminal. Everything went

swimmingly until we noticed he was wearing the vegan sandals. How dare

you! Any serious protestor leave the vegans at home, wear proper

shoes, as soon as you see the sandals, you think, nutter! That is

a great point, worthy of an extra point for Nick. What was the most

important part of Tony's brilliant testimony. You have already alluded

to it. It was the song and dance number I liked. At the edited it

from the Sky News coverage. No. it the spin in my time, no spin in

my time. He confirmed I never bullied journalists. I think he

confirmed that he didn't know about it. He did the old Murdoch defence!

He said, he never authorised Sol Campbell or Peter Mandelson to

brief against his colleagues, he hated that, it is the -- Alastair

Campbell or Peter Mandelson to brief against colleagues, he hated

that. They did it off their own bat. What else does Tony say happens

when you stop being Prime Minister? You make tonnes of money for doing

nothing. He actually said, that when you are elected you begin at

your least capable and most popular, and you end at your least popular

and most capable. Which is luefly line, which I wrote -- lovely line,

which I wrote! There's a typo. It should say, "culpable".

APPLAUSE Let's have another little spin.

That's Hunt himself. I thought it was Chris Packham. He went back in

front of Leveson, he answered all the questions, why were there

thousands of e-mails from your office, why was your assistant in

constant contact with a lobbyist. He gave his evidence, they didn't

really get anything furd out of him, the Prime Minister announced it's

fine,'s innocent, he doesn't have to be referred to the Standards

Committee. And with one bound Hunt is free. The most interesting thing

that came out is he denied socialising with News Corp lobbyist,

Frederic Michel, this is, of course, despite it being revealed

previously at Leveson that Hunt once texted Michel, hopefully when

the consultation is over, they could have a drink of coffee like

the old days. It lacks maturity, he's a boy. Furthermore he stuck

his dirty little finger into The Apprentice, and wrote to the BBC,

and said that like Lord Sugar was a Labour peer, therefore The

Apprentice was a politically motivated thing and be delayed

until after the election. Pathetic. Hunt accused you of being

politically motivated. Apprentice show, a fine business

show, and got nothing to do with politics at all. He messed our

schedules around, he deserves anything he gets, back to the

fourth form! APPLAUSE. What did Hunt text James

Murdoch, on the day that the European Commission announced it

would not be intervening over the BSkyB bid. Whohoo, lol! More or

less, he texted him, Brussels out of the way, Ofcom to go. Almost

word for word, I will give awe point.

Clay. This week the Leveson Inquiry was interrupted by an earnest man

who was polite but ineffectual, and after Vince Cable had finished his

evidence he shuffled off home. Tony Blair spoke for four years, which

at his normal rate works out at just under a million quid. To round

two. Normally it is the picture spin quiz, but I don't have

anything to do with spin, so as an ardent monarchist I have come up

with something to mark the Diamond Jubilee. Fingers on buzzers. What

are you doing? My spectacles, oh, they are here! Sorry about that.

They went down there. The ones he use to watch Blair, they are sort

of rose tinted! Simon and gar funkle are making a Garfunkel are

making a come back. It was Engelbert Humperdinck who sadly

failed in every respect. I went to Baku once, flip-flops cost �40 a

pair. Amazing, the most aexpensive place in the world. There are

mounting calls for Britain to pull out of the Eurovision Song Contest

after Engelbert Humperdinck embarrassed the nation, he came

second to the last. Beating only a? Waitress. Nor way. The Sunday Times

tried to cheer him up by writing at least he did not die! Who were

labelled the real stars of Eurovision this year? The Russian

Grannies. Or as Engelbert The thing about that song, that is

actually a protest song about pasty tax.

This is, of course, Eurovision. According to the Sunday Times, the

UK's catastrophic result was largely due to at that time kal

voting. Not the first time that tactical voting has ended in

disaster for the Government, as you will know if you voted Lib Dem in

the last election. Or Labour in the previous three! Fingers on buzzers.

This is about adverts that have been complained about, this was one

here about a load of people playing football, and then kicking a cat.

Third on the list was the one called Paddy Power, can we look at

them officially not offending blind people, or encouraging animal

Paul, for ten points, the most complained about ad was? One KFC

one which was people talking with their mouth full. Correct. Shall we

Why would anybody bother to complain about that one? You can

see why, little kids copying that. Good enough reason. What is really

offensive, is when they take the chicken out of their mouth, that is

still how they talk. They went to one of the worst drama

schools in London. It was terrible, the John Merick Academy of Drama.

And the trouble is, all the students get together, and they go

be an animal, they go "I'm not an animal, I am a man". And then at

the end, it just says "KFC, finger- lickin good". Dodgy ads with three

letters are very worrying. WMD, you know. I mean people could get the

wrong idea. They might think they existed. But those are different

letters, completely. I admire your stamina!

APPLAUSE In 2000, from eve sant Laurent,

featuring a naked -- Yves Saint Laurent, featuring a naked Sophie

Dahl, it was thought it would cause offence. Let's check? It could have

been worse, it could have been Roald Dahl. I wonder if she talks

with her mouth full. This got complaints because it caused car

crashes? I'm not surprised, that is her listen to Radio 3. If she

tweaks the other one she gets Radio Five Live. This is the list of ads

released by the advertising standards academy. One was of a

blind footballer kicking a cat across the pitch. It received over

a thousand complaints, the good news is the cat survived, and the

man has won a two-year contract with Blackburn Rovers. Time for the

odd-one out, Barack Obama senior, Ratko Mladic, a monkey on a dog,

and the Dear Leader's wife. Is it riding dogs? Don't you, what?,

what? It's about goats? Barak's father kept goats. Cherie is acting

the goat. Do you remember anything about Mladic when he was arrested?

Well he was a war criminal. I don't remember any goats being killed.

was with goats. You mean he was "with goat", what? That's a miracle.

Do you think Cherie ever has had an experience with goats? Behave.

is the Cherie link with goats? Maybe there isn't one. Ten points.

They have all herded goats, apart from Cherie Blair, who will do so

in the next few weeks. She is herding 20 goats over London Bridge

next month for charity. She is. Whoa. Does she get money for any

live goat she gets across the bridge. It is heavy traffic. She is

strapping them to Volkswagens. she fire the goat. Out of a canon?

Put them in a canon and fire them at other people. Is it like Angry

Birds, but with live goats. American animal display team,

features monkeys riding dogs, herding goats. I believe velcro is

an essential ingredient. They have all herded goats, who will do so

over the next few week. Its a strange thing to do over a p-p-p-u-

b. Campbell stumbles over the word "publicity"! According to the

Independent, Ratko Mladic kept goats which he named after

political figures he despised, how petty I thought when I was out

walking my dogs, Gordie, Mandy and Clare Short. Now the guest

publication, Spinning News. We start with, question, will

spinning give me what? Answer, no. The missing word is in the question.

Shut the BEEP up? I thought you were meant to be all cool under

pressure! You have just shut the BEEP up! I told you would get him

to snap, didn't I, didn't I say! APPLAUSE.

What the hell is that? Carry on Ian? Security! (bagpipes play)

(buzzer) I give up, I did it, I did APPLAUSE.

Do you know what he was playing, the BSkyB Boat Song. The answer is,

a big butt. Next, what was the worst party ever? If you say Labour,

I will play my bagpipes again? would be ridiculous to say Labour,

it is new Labour! Nazi? What? was the worst party ever. I was

answering the question, I was looking at you, but I was answering

the question. The answer is the Clinton charity gall LA the worst

party ever, you have obviously never been invited to one of Ed

Miliband's bog le and fondue evenings. The final course is Paul

and Ian two, Paul and Ross 55. Before we go, there is just time

for the caption competition. Guardsman selected for live

sacrifice as climax to Jubilee celebrations! On which note we say

thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop, and Ross Noble, Nick Hewer

and Paul Merton. I leave you with news after speaking for four hours

Tony Blair is told won't be receiving a fee from the Leveson

Inquiry. In London someone finally replies to a pe nice enlargement e-