Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young. In

the news: After Prince Philip is taken to hospital, his senior aides

In Westminster, as ministers are told to carry out yet another

stringent round of redundancies, George Osborne is greeted by the

few remaining staff in his private And after sitting through dozens of

acts that she would never have chosen to watch at her Jubilee

concert, the Queen was at last able to enjoy herself at the after-show

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says he can't remember what he

did from the age of 18 to 26. So on drugs then. Please welcome Greg

Davies. APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a writer, broadcaster and poker player who

recently won the 5,000 euro event in Monte Carlo. That was way back

in April when the euro was actually worth something. Please welcome

Victoria Coren. APPLAUSE

So we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Victoria,

look at this: This is the magnificent sight of the flotilla

on the Thames. That's the Royal Family enjoying themselves. That's

what horses used to look like 60 years ago, we didn't have horses

after the war. That's what we've got now. It's a Jubilee I think.

This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked. I managed to

catch a heart warming moment halfway through when the Queen

almost smiled. I have a feeling she was there thinking "I've been given

someone else's day out by mistake." This is an 86-year-old lady monarch,

they've given her a boat trip and a pop concert. This is the four-day

celebration of the Queen's Jubilee. Let's start with that flotilla. It

was inspired by the 18th century painting for the Lord mayor. He has

to be quick. Some of those are moving quite rapidly. Let's look at

the flow till ya. That's the leading boat, honestly. Was anybody

there, did you gee long? I was there. I thought it was fantastic.

With the greatest of respect, could you see through the crowds?

APPLAUSE To be honest, most people seemed to

be enjoying it. There were huge numbers of people. The boats were

fabulous. The BBC got into lots of trouble with its coverage. What it

did is what it usually did is underestimate the general public

and thought they're stupid, they'll want to see Fearne Cotton. And Matt

Baker and some people from The One Show. Literally, in the crowd I was

with, there were about ten people more interesting and better

informed than everybody on the entire BBC for the whole day.

do people want though? Spectacle. Music. The spectacle is there.

People criticised the BBC's commentary, it wasn't intellect

wally rigorous. It is a load of people going down the river on

boats. That's the kind of intellectual rigour we've come to

expect from you. Would you have wanted people to go "There's a

Queen on the boat there." Puts me in mind of the time I read the ill

yad. If you're going to interview people on the route, they're

largely people who spend their lives dressed in union jabgz.

Absolutely not. I'm in the crowd, next to a man whose son in one of

the flotillas. Up the river comes a barge of Indian blokes in full

tartan, playing pipes and drums, the sound fills the entire river.

It was fabulous. I thought where else are you going to get that?

This is worth turning out for. No, they're not all full of idiots in

stupid hats. APPLAUSE

Will you concede there were some idiots? Yes. Well, yes. It puts

people into extraordinary postures. Early on, they referred to the

Thames as a noble river. I don't know if it is. I don't know if

rivers can be noble. I used to live near the Thames and we used to get

a jar full and put it on the mantelpiece and looked at it. It

looks muddy. It was described the Lord mayor's day flotilla as music,

and peels of ordnance both from ye vessels and the short. We got Aaron

Barnard, putting the camp in campanology. Are you sure it's not

a mass suicide attempt? APPLAUSE

Who remained sodden but unbowed throughout the flotilla? Prince

Philip, surely? I don't think he was sodden. He's 91. He's been

doing this for decades. He's so bored he's had to feign a bladder

infection to get out of it. joined in the dancing, turned out

he badly needed the toilet. Let's look at Sky News, how they covered

the final stages of the pageant. 1,000 boats have travelled 7.5

miles down the River Thames to mark the Diamond Jubilee... Meanwhile on

the BBC... Tess Daly is being knighted by a transvestite. Tess

Daly. I believe I'm knighting you for services to working in the rain.

That's right, yes. I'm beginning to see your point.

be fair on the BBC, it is endemic across all of television, they just

make it as though everyone's so stupid. They're not making it for

themselves. They do for an imaginary idiot. It's not just the

BBC, not just that programme, it's all of them!

APPLAUSE Tam Fry pointed out mistakes such

as -- Stephen Fry pointed out mistakes as one presenter called

the Queen "Her Royal Highness, instead of Her Majesty." He said

"Has the BBC presented a more mind numbingly programme? "QI? That's a

brilliant programme. That's one of the few that isn't for morons. You

can't even risk making jokes about it because it's the last programme

where they imagine the viewer might be able to spell. What dot BBC

admit to, this is a classic phrase? Trying too hard. It agreed that it

didn't own the tone of the flo tilla. Own the tone? According to

the independent, as the Spirit Of Chartwell ferried the Queen between

the raised halves of Tower Bridge, the BBC cut to HMS Belfast where

Fearne Cotton was talking to war veterans. "Cor, you got hit by a

tore bead yoz didn't you, and you held on to a dead shark." -- tr

peed yoz. What surprised were lying in wait? Boris turned up on a boat.

Someone next to me shouted at him "Is that your wife, Boris?

From the roof of the royal Festival Hall a message spelt out in

semaphore flags, we'll go to the BBC's Paul Dickenson, who at last,

realised that he did need expert help. His nautical expert is Tom

Cunliffe. This is his chance to shine. We have semaphore here just

on the top level of the royal fast Val hall. I think you can

understand that can't you? haven't got a clue.

LAUGHTER How.Queen get maximum enjoyment out

of the Diamond Jubilee? She had ear plugs in. She d. She's nervous

around fireworks. They were the good bit. That was incredible.

Madness on top of the house. While they were singing, they were

projecting images of small terrace houses and blocks of flats onto

Buckingham Palace, which is almost taunting the poor, isn't it? This

is what you live in, this is what we live in. I imagine there was a

meeting before the concert where stkpwarery, I imagine Ken Barlow

chairs it and they talked about how -- Gary bar low chairs it and they

talk about how to capture the spirit of Britain and one member

says "Maybe we can have the Jamaican singer Grace Jones, hoola

hooping?" What can you more British than that. I love the idea that the

rest of the panel were going "Let him have this." Seriously his

wife's left him. In the build up to the concert, BBC reporter, Lizo

Mzimba coped well with that age-old problem of someone who thinks it

would be funny to get in the back of shot. We're talking to the stars

and headline acts here back stage at the Palace. Aye huge array of

talent on zaidge -- on stage, Stevie Wonder, Elton John, and the

man the driving force behind it all, Gary Barlow.

APPLAUSE It was a small group of Republicans

who staged a protest on the Thames. Let's look at some monarchists.

More monarchists and... Meanwhile what did Sally Bercow do before

attending the service at St Paul's? She tweeted saying isn't the

Jubilee a load of rubbish. I didn't read it. Did you? Ridiculous

monarchists, I'm going with no pants on hash tag speak.

APPLAUSE She described royalist members of

the public as mindless flag-waving loons. How.celebrations end?

Fireworks, lighting of beacons. Let's enjoy that moment then after

the celebratory volley of gunfire. Tradition demands that the military

band is conducted with a man -- by Finally, let's end on a rousing

rendition of the National Anthem from Charles and comil Cumbria,

during their visit -- Kamila, during their visit to a street

party. Note, it does have more than Not his favourite lyric I imagine.

It's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family. At the concert

Paul McCartney said "I hope Prince Philip is OK. We have got our

fingers crossed." Unlike Philip who had his legs crossed for four hours

which caused the problem in the first place. The Duchess of York

wore the perfect outfit, dressing gown and slippers as she watched

from the sofa. Ian and Gregg look at this: Baroness Warsi, spice,

Cameron eating porridge, like most of his friends will be in prison.

Oh, there's Jeremy Hunt. Jeremy Hunt does an amazing line in

startled deer impressions. This is the serious news going on beneath

the bunting, David Cameron has got to decide what to do with two

people, Jeremy Hunt, the man in charge of the BSkyB bid, who was

made to look guilty by the Leveson Inquiry. I'm not saying he is, but

he is. Guilty of what exactly? Not having

a quasijudicial frame of mind. didn't know what it meant. No. He's

got to decide whether to refer him to the Parliamentary commissioner.

He has referred Baroness Warsi. She's referred herself to the

Parliamentary Standards Committee. She's referred herself to the

sleaze watchdog. It sounds filthy. It's on odd procedure, I want to

know if I'm guilty of anything bad, because if I've been up to no good,

I want to be the first to know. you think she's guilty then?

went abroad on a state visit with a relative, who she's in business

with. Oh, he's a relative as well. David Cameron complained about that.

This man travels with his favourite 50 arms dealers. She's gone with

this chap, they run a spice company or something. She's trading in

nutmeg. That's my kind of corruption. It's nice. She's

staying at a friends house and claiming the �165 which she said

she was passing onto him. He confirmed in a statement saying yes,

I confirm that I charged an amount that would cover my inconvenience

for being there, which intrigues me, and the extra expense. The extra

expense of having someone in a room for a night, �165? I can only

deduce that Baroness Warsi was operating an industrial lathe in

the room. Baroness Warsi has opened herself up to the aforementioned

sleaze probe... LAUGHTER

That was beneath you. It's not beneath... No. What's happening in

the eurozone this week? More of the If you read the Ten O'Clock news it

would be short. Forget Robert Peston, get Paul in. More of the

same, Spain's bust, next. They need to send money to Madrid. They're in

need of a bail out, but they are falling over themselves to say that

they definitely don't need it? they don't need a bail out, but

they'd like a huge amount of money. They're quite desperate. They've

applied to Greece. I was in Spain this summer, this is

true Ian, I went to a Spanish market and the first stall I came

to there was a man who was selling socks, that was one of the things

he specialised in. He had chosen to specialise in another thing, it was

potatoes. I just think if that's indicative of the way they approach

economics... They honestly deserve what they get. So Spain's in

trouble. Greece is also still in trouble. Do you not think this is

relevant, what I'm saying? You seem to be changing the subject. She's

developing your theme. Fine, as long as this relates specifically

to that market stall, please continue. Did you see how Jeremy

Paxman referred to Greece in a recent edition of Newsnight? Is it

flattering terms? Not entirely. "Like a bad kebab, Greece is being

vomited out of the European currency." Cyprus is trying to put

a brave face on the looming crisis. Would you like to know what the

head of the Cyprus national bank is called? Panicos Demetriades. What

solution is being urged by Britain, the United States and indeed George

Soros? Watch the football instead. Well it's pretty much that Germany

should take over Europe, except Britain and tell everyone what to

do. He said "It would be a German empire with the periphery as the

hinterland." I can't believe no- It's perfect, isn't it? They must

have been high fiveing each other in that meeting. It's been another

turbulent week in politics. It's emerged that MPs have been

complaining about the facilities in the House of Commons. Last week it

was reported that the toilets were in a terrible state, but to be fair,

they'd just been used by Jeremy Hunt before he went to the Leveson

Inquiry. Also this week, Spain was dragged

deeper and deeper into the eurozone crisis. George Osborne was called

away from Jubilee celebrations to speak to the Spanish Finance

Minister in an emergency conference call. He realised something that

was wrong when Spain asked if they could reverse the charges.

On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman offended the Greek Finance Minister

by referring to the Greek economy as a bad kebab. The Greek Finance

Minister was so furious that he smashed all his plates in disgust

and danced sideways out of the studio.

APPLAUSE Let's go to round twork the picture

That's Rabsi Nesbit, not known for his charm. But Glasgow people are

charming. They're delightful. quite. They're not delightful. No,

you're going to tell me people in Paris are rude soon. Is it not to

do with Ken loach? He complained that he couldn't get the right

rating for his film because of the swear words in it. He said that's

how everyone speaks in Glasgow, which I'm sure can't be right.

that's (BLEEP) right, they do. The Commonwealth Games are coming

to Glasgow in 2014, in preparation... Politeness lessons.

Yes. Thousands of Glaswegians are being sent to charm schools in

preparation for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. About 10,000

service industry workers will be offered a one-day course where

they'll be taught to speak properly. When a woman walks bast don't shout

-- past don't shout "Get your tits ooot. It's get your tits out.

principles are these based on? British Telecom? No Walt Disney.

was a Nazi sympathiser, but so polite. I do have a Scottish Walt

Disney joke. What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing

Crosby? I don't know. Bing sings and Walt Disnae. Parts of the

course will require workers to make pledges. Can you imagine what the

pledges might be? Is it the tem prance pledge? One is "I will learn

about the Glasgow botanic gardens. This is my favourite - I will learn

to smile more often. And in other Scottish news, what was the cock-up

in Edinburgh? They used the word cock about a symbol. Well they made

a symbol... French symbol. Oh, was this lasagne? No. But I'm delighted

to work out how you're going to join up those two thoughts. Cock

and lasagne? Yeah. That's my perfect Friday, yeah. There's a

story about meatballs. Tesco produced them, they thought it's

Italian, let's put words on it. Coliani del munio an it actually

meant donkey's bollocks. They've had to withdraw them, that's right.

That must be difficult to withdraw. That's in the finest range. It's

less funny than that. The organisers of the Edinburgh

marathon handed out 23,000 medals. They looked like this: This is the

news that Glaswegians are to be sent to charm school in preparation

for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. According to the official Glasgow

Commonwealth Games website, a crowd of a thousand gathered at the old

fruit market to watch the bid result live. Beating the previous

record by 999. According to the Daily Record, the charm work shop

is based on principles created by the Walt Disney theme parks. For a

terrifying white knuckle ride why not catch a late-night bus through

Glasgow city centre. It's a pig. This is the pig that

learned French? No. I'd be surprise today he was, I made it up. Bonjour,

I am a big. It's something to do with Euro 2012. This pig is playing

centre half. The number of injuries... It's not to do with

football at all? Yes, it is. That was the clue I gave you. Oh, I see!

It's the national animal of the Ukraine. It is a Ukrainian pig and

psychic as well. It's been unveiled as the successor to Paul the

Octopus. Football, my special subject, you should have said.

going to predict the Euro 2012 results. Can anyone imagine how it

makes predictions. Hold on, it's not going to predict the 2012

results. It is. It's not. It can't make a prediction, it's a pig. It

can stand on a square. Pigs are intelligent. It's about sort of

mime, little bit of charade. According it a Ukrainian news

source, ahead of each game the pig is going to... It's not psychic.

He's going to eat from one of two plates of food, each marked with

the national flags of the team playing. He's not going to like the

Danish one, is he?? Slightly less important football news, Ian, Rio

Ferdinand is furious about his owe mission from the squad. I'm not

surprised. He was furious. I was gutted. You love his defensive work

don't you? Yeah. Why is he furious? It's the belief that he's been left

out of the quad not because of footballing reasons but because

John Terry will be standing trial for racially abusing his brother

possibly. That's what he's charged with. Isn't it worth not going to

these countries any way. Aren't they full of lunatic right-wingers.

I'm not sure that everybody who plays on the ring wing are lunatics.

And what makes Roy Hodgson's decision ridiculous? Who's Roy

Hodgson. The England manager. Martin Kelly has spent more of his

career on the bench than on the pitch, who was chosen instead.

that bad? The You spent more time in the dock than at your desk.

all right! Simmer down. This is a psychic pig who's going to...

not a psychic pig. I don't think we can judge how psychic he is until

we see the predictions. We can. Suppose it gets the first six

matches right, then what? Where is your no psychic pig stance then?

What if he channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. If the pig correctly

predicted the future would you accept it's psychic? Is it just me?

Carry on. The psychic pig. Thanks. This is a psychic...

LAUGHTER This is a psychic pig who's going

to predict the outcome of the matches in the European football

championship. It's the first porky psychic to hit the headlines since

Russell Grant was fired out of the cannon. England fans have been

warned by the police in Poland, if they misbehave they will face a

sonic cannon that makes victims wet themselves wr. Upon a frustrated

Prince Philip called the police to see if he can borrow it. Fingers on

buzzers. I feel awful, we don't know any of

these. Oh, this is... Erm... That brilliant unicycle story, isn't it?

It's not even a unicycle. I can't even tell you anything about the

story from looking at the picture. I don't understand that photograph.

The park bench is slightly blurred, which suggests the park bench is

moving at some speed. He's a postman. Is he? Yes. Sort of.

the penny farthing post. We've decide today would be quicker for

people to ride on bicycles to deliver our letters than put them

in the hands of the Post Office. He's offering his own service.

is. In a village. I just made that up, but it's true?

APPLAUSE This is remarkable. This is Graham

Eccles from Cornwall. He has decided to set up his own postal

service on a penny farthing. How does the service work? You give him

a letter and he gives it to somebody else. Almost always a

different person from the person he picked it up from. You're broadly

right. According to the Express, customers can buy a 25p stamp for a

local letter, post in a town shop and have it delivered the following

day. If only it can b could be rolled out nationally. If I lived

down there, I would be just for fun constantly sending letters to

Glasgow. What sort of problems has he encountered? He's mentally ill?

Graham says "I've had trouble find ago dresses, being barked at by

dogs and buffetted by hail stones. Getting soaked to the bone is

starting to get tedious. And I need a new back wheel." Just pack it in

Graham, I would say. I could have told him that would happen. Then I

have got a psychic pig. Did you really just get that story? Yeah

it's a good idea. That's amazing. Looks like Ian's psychic Victoria.

You know who is going to win of Uruguay. The Uruguay? When you dip

your toes into popular culture you end up talking bollocks. This is

Graham Eccles who has started his own penny farthing postal service.

Graham's keen to preserve the traditions of the old fashioned

postal service. Bet he still uses a kettle to steam open the envelopes

that might have cash in them. Time for the odd one out round.

Your four are Gordon Brown, Wallace, Aaron Barnard and Geoffrey Howe.

Is it they all wear the wrong trouzsnerz It is about trousers.

There was a Geoffrey Howe story... Oh, left them on a train. That's

right. The ones he was wear sning Yes, it was never fully explained.

So I don't know the guy with the underpants. Maybe he's the odd one

out, everyone else involves trousers and he's pants. You're

right. Am I? APPLAUSE

They have all had their trousers stolen apart from that bloke there,

called Aaron Barnard, who was sacked from his job in a pant

factory after being accused of stealing some pants. He hasn't done

it very subtley to be honest. did he prove his innocence? Did he

have the pants tested? According to Aaron, in the telegraph he pointed

out that you can see that the boxers aren't new.

Oh, no. They could just be frayed, honestly.

Geoffrey Howe had his stolen on a train. How did the thieves steal

them? Just like the people did with that table cloth trick. They took

them while he was asleep. He wasn't wearing them at the time. The

police found them and returned them. He was in the sleeper compartment,

he wasn't just sitting on a commuter train and someone took his

trouser off. Tickets please, oh, my goodness, I haven't got any

trouzurz on. In a separate but somehow related incident, he lost

pajamas in Peking. What at a card game, what was going on? I've got

nothing left, "I've got pajamas." don't know. He could put his day

clothes on before he left the room. Then there's another incident that

we don't know how. Then he lost more. Doesn't know how it happened.

Comes home, oh, I don't know how I lost them darling. Pauline Macauley,

Gordon Brown's mother-in-law, has revealed it a local newspaper that

she stole Gordon's trousers and ties during his time in Downing

Street in order to make a quilt. Here is the quilt. Was he working

at a chef at the time? Does anyone know what was Gordon's reaction to

the quilt? Did he love it? According to his mother-in-law, he

was very happy, but he said "Are my ties really that bright?" Is that

the first sentence out of his mouth or was it you made my trousers into

a quilt, you mad bitch. APPLAUSE

Whilst making the quilt, Gordon Brown's mother-in-law said, "I'd

take fabric from his trousers, I just don't think he had the time to

notice what I was doing. He was too busy wondering where that draft was

coming from. Time for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication button lines, The

Journal of the British Button Society. We start at homer at war

with his wife after what? After she sells his pre-war button collection

to the RSPCA in Lewisham? Is it button related. Of course it is.

She goes out and buys 15,000 zips. The answer is emptying her CD cases

in order to use them to store his button collection. This is from the

The Journal of the British Button Society, which laments the fact

that 50 members did not renew their subscriptions last year. There is a

technical term for this in the button world, it's known as coming

to your senses. Next, former MP fails in a bid to become... What?

Professional wrestler? Yes. This is former MP Lembit Opik, here he is

in action. Lembit hasn't been in a hold like that since Sian Lloyd

found out about that cheeky girlment Next, most button

collectors have what along the way? Dementia. Is it flirted with velcro.

APPLAUSE No. The answer is picked up a stud

or two. Next, people find it difficult to get rid of their...

Grandmother's what? Buttons... Teeth. Body. Is it hold on the

APPLAUSE Answer is tin of buttons. This was

from an article in the button journal, a new collector writing a

book about buttons and asked for people to reveal their anecdotes,

saying she will respect any desire for privacy. Ah, yes, how many of

us have button anecdotes that we will only share if our names are

kept out of it. And finally, what is harder to quit than smoking?

APPLAUSE The

The answer

The answer is

The answer is swearing.

The answer is swearing. This is according to a recent survey, mind

you, no-one's ever died from swearing, apart from that time in

(BLEEP) up, we can't hear the play. We say thank you to our panellists,

Ian and Gregg, Victoria and Paul. I leave you with news that the BBC

denies claims that budget cuts will affect the new series of Doctor Who.

In Pyongyang, there's controversy surrounding a new fast food