Episode 11 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

And...welcome...to...Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke.

I'm Alastair Campbell.

I'm William Shatner.

I'm Roger Moore.

I'm Clare Balding.

I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

In the news this week, Southeastern Trains stage a publicity exercise

to prove their new trains are idiot-proof.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted

coming home form John Lewis with a brand new meat cleaver.

SCREAMING

The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid the Inland Revenue

takes a new twist as the company reveals its current tax advisor.

LAUGHTER

At a restaurant in Berkshire, Kate Middleton really goes for it

at the all you can eat buffet.

LAUGHTER

And at the G8 banquet for world leaders,

Nick Clegg is given a vital role.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, this is the Olympic flame, is it not, the beginning of the Olympic Games.

So the Olympics are coming to London, they've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.

That's a very festive attack by al-Qaeda, look.

How did the Olympic flame arrive?

-It was flown.

-In that plane which Boris described as a "custard-coloured comet."

It arrived in the golden plane, as you said,

-then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.

-Mm-hmm.

Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment

when that helicopter arrived.

REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed, and hard to miss.

LAUGHTER

What were the organisers of a roadside hog roast

advised not to do?

Don't roast a hog.

-By the side of the road.

-Well... partially.

-Don't light the fire. Cos it's against health and safety?

You're on the right track.

Don't use the torch to roast the hog.

Organisers...

Ah yes, because then if you use the torch to roast the hog,

then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame.

Then you have to march through the streets with the hog.

-The sacred hog.

-The sacred hog that's alight.

-Yeah.

-It just looks stupid.

Yeah, it would look silly.

Organisers of the giant hog roast told the Independent:

LAUGHTER

Also, isn't there something about local businesses,

like the Olympic Kebab Grill or something,

that's been forced to change its name in case people think,

"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"

Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford was told

he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic,

and he'd have to change the sign.

Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it,

so according to the Newham Recorder:

LAUGHTER

That's very good.

He's painted the O out, so if you have trouble finding it,

the Cafe Olympic is at:

-Now, there's all sorts...

-Do you have to book?

You probably do now.

What did the residents of a block of flats in East London

discover on their roof?

They're going to have ground to air missiles for the Olympic Games.

They're going to sit there gripped by the Olympics,

and also gripped by every time a plane goes overhead,

wondering whether that's going to be their last moment.

So yes, people had no idea that they were going to put missiles

on the roof of where you lived, and they're absolutely up in arms.

No pun intended.

LAUGHTER

-According to the Sun, the rockets will be used to...

-According to the Sun?

-Mm-hmm.

The rockets'll have big breasts and go, "Oh, hello, how you doin', all right?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the Olympic torch,

which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Namely...Yes, I agree with you.

LAUGHTER

Namely Truro and Ilfra-cooombe.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sounds...deeply sexual.

Have you been to Ilfracombe?

-I have.

-The place is laced with prostitution.

LAUGHTER

That's their new slogan now!

That's right!

"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe."

Ah, yes, this is the magnificent sight on the Thames,

it's the jubilee, I think... Yes...

This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked.

There's quite a heart-warming moment halfway through

when the Queen almost smiled.

I have a feeling she was there thinking,

"I've been given someone else's day out by mistake."

This is an 86-year-old lady monarch.

They've given her a boat trip and a pop concert.

Why not a bungee jump and a PlayStation?

-This is the four-day celebration...

-Yes.

-..of the Queen's Jubilee.

-Did you go along?

-I was there.

-Were you?

-Yeah.

I thought it was fantastic, actually!

With the greatest of respect, Ian, could you see through the crowds?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Way back in the 18th century, the diarist John Evelyn

described the Lord Mayor's Day flotilla as boasting:

This time around, we got John Barrowman.

There he is, putting the camp in campanology.

LAUGHTER

You sure it's not a mass suicide attempt?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"It's John Barrowman!" "Oh, no!"

Meanwhile, how did the Queen get maximum enjoyment

out of the Jubilee concert?

-She had her earplugs in.

-She did!

She gets nervous around fireworks.

-No, the fireworks were the good bit.

-Mmm.

That was incredible, Madness singing on top of the house.

What I loved about that is while Madness were singing Our House,

they were projecting images of small terraced houses and blocks of flats

onto Buckingham Palace, which I think is almost taunting the poor.

LAUGHTER

This is what you live in. This is what we live in!

Yes, it's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family.

The Duchess of York wore the perfect outfit for the occasion,

a dressing gown and slippers as she watched it on the sofa.

LAUGHTER

That's Hugh Grant.

That's Lord Leveson.

Blair.

And Rebekah Brooks.

And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.

And a witch.

LAUGHTER

Ian, you turned up, didn't you? You were in the very happy position of having nothing to hide.

Yeah, but I had no idea it was going to get this good.

Murdoch today - selective amnesia?

Fabulous! The medics must be having a field day.

"Can you remember anything about phone hacking?"

"Noooo....."

"Can you remember how badly all the politicians have behaved?"

"Yeah, I bloody well can!"

THUMPS DESK

LAUGHTER

Andy Coulson.

-He's been arrested for perjury.

-Yes.

-During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.

-Yes.

While he was actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking.

Are you shocked, Alastair?

-I'm shocked.

-Are you?

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you're shocked, cos, you know...

Some of the people that this government

have been hanging about with...

Rebekah Brooks?

-Know her at all?

-I do!

LAUGHTER

-Were you shocked when she was arrested?

-I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.

LAUGHTER

-He's been charged, though, not just arrested.

-Yeah.

-He's been charged.

-Which is why Ian's being so careful.

-Yeah.

About Andy Coulson, if not about me.

Well, they haven't charged you yet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it...is it hot in here?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Tom Watson made a big, powerful speech, OK?

-Yeah.

-And then he cocked it up by quoting Bob Dylan.

-Mmm.

-What did he say?

"The ladder of the law has no top or bottom," something like that.

Exactly right, no, that's bang on.

No top and no bottom.

Tom Watson says his wife left him because of the phone hacking.

-Is that right?

-Yeah, well, everyone's got an excuse for it, haven't they?

He's a neckless, adenoidal Brummie...

..who's a pitiful waste of blood and organs.

LAUGHTER

I suppose briefly in his favour, when his wife left him,

he didn't slap a super-injuction on her.

Oh, no.

APPLAUSE

Wahey!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-SINGS:

-One-nil! One-nil! One-nil!

The committee found that Rupert Murdoch had:

Something Wendi Deng has to do every time his little blue pills kick in.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's the end of your column.

LAUGHTER

As the wife often says to Rupert on a Friday night.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

James Murdoch did tell the inquiry that he definitely did discuss

the proposed takeover of BSkyB with David Cameron

at a Christmas party at Rebekah Brooks's house in December 2010,

something David Cameron has always denied.

Although Murdoch said, "It wasn't a discussion...

"More of a "tiny chat."

Something like, "Will it go through, David?"

"Yes, James. Mince pie?" "Lovely."

LAUGHTER

PAUL LAUGHS

Well...

It's the return of Tony Blair.

-Um...

-Much missed.

-Yes!

Yeah...

Yes.

-Er...

-LAUGHTER

-No...

-To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.

He didn't even flinch, he didn't blink at any point.

You trained him well.

When that guy jumped out and went, "You're a war criminal!",

he didn't even...he just went, "Yeah, whatever."

-He's obviously...

-So he didn't say, "Yeah."

In his soul, he did.

The... LAUGHTER

Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God!

APPLAUSE

But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?

You make tons of money for doing nothing.

He actually said:

-Which is a lovely line, which I wrote.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's a typo.

It should say "culpable."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would...

250 quid. That's my copy!

-250 quid?

-Yeah.

-This is yours? Would you like that for Christmas?

-Mmm.

-Do you want it?

-If it was wrapped with consideration. Yeah, I'd have it, yeah.

I'll give you all presents.

Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...

LAUGHTER

You've already got it.

How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?

"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!,

"shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain."

LAUGHTER

And winning, that's the penguin, he won, he's Mayor of London.

LAUGHTER

Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?

It is!

Who was the bride?

Nick.

Well, we know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No, this is the elections.

And it didn't go very well for the coalition.

We saw Professor Pongu there, in Edinburgh.

He beat the Lib Dem candidate.

He did.

A penguin got more votes...

There's already a whiff of scandal. There is a belief that perhaps there might be a man inside this penguin.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

..narrowly won a second term in London.

Every inch the statesman, there he is.

What's his, um...

What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?

He's actually put them on the wrong way round.

LAUGHTER

Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?

LAUGHTER

Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out in the Queen's Speech this week,

telling the Prime Minister:

And in two years, the Labour leader will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.

LAUGHTER

It's the G8 summit.

That's Cameron sunning his moobs.

LAUGHTER

Where was the real talking done?

Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?

-You see? On a treadmill.

-On a treadmill, was it?

-On a running machine.

-That's pathetic.

Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor.

LAUGHTER

How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?

He is accused of chillaxing too much.

Chillaxing is a horrible word,

it's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.

And anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So what solution to the Euro crisis

is being urged by Britain, the United States,

and, indeed, George Soros?

Watch the football instead.

Well, it's pretty much that Germany should take over the whole of Europe,

except Britain, and just tell everyone what to do.

George Soros has put it like this, he said:

I can't believe no-one thought of this before!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's perfect, isn't it?

They must have been high-fiving each other in that meeting.

APPLAUSE

This is the G8 meeting.

In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:

That's what you need in a crisis - a mad Scotsman shouting,

"We cannae take it any longer, captain!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the American election, and Barack Obama has won convincingly.

That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone because he's a Communist.

LAUGHTER

Why is it that of all the people that seem to run for President,

there's always one of them that's a complete dodo. What's going on?

I mean, even his name - Mitt.

Mitt?! What sort of name is that?

What's it short for, Mitthew? I mean, what is it?

LAUGHTER

"Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child. What are you going to call him?"

-"We're going to call him Mitt!"

-LAUGHTER

"Why?"

There was this widely distributed image.

Um...

LAUGHTER

Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,

described their struggle with poverty

as a young married Mormon couple:

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Times reminded its readers

of the party symbols of the Republicans and the Democrats -

the elephant and the donkey.

Representing both the weight and the intelligence

of the average American voter.

Ah yes, it's...

It's about breeding. About breeding. Babies, yes.

Well, it's the coverage, isn't it? What happened was a passer-by gave him a miniature babygro,

and that was a few days before the baby was announced.

-Oh, you're melting with sweetness!

-LAUGHTER

Actually, I'm melting with suppressed nausea.

And now we've got nine months of Nicholas Witchell...

..telling us how she feels.

And the Telegraph joined in with the speculation-fest.

Tuesday's front page asked:

The Telegraph was so interested in whether it was twins or not,

there was a letter saying, "If it's twins and it's a caesarean,

"the surgeon will decide who becomes king or queen."

-Or bring them out simultaneously...

-Possibly.

-..and have a coalition monarchy.

-Oh, wow!

Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What might the baby look like? Any ideas? Do you think like the parents?

Either the parents or indeed a close friend of the family.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-There's precedent, you know.

This is what the Sun thinks it'll look like.

Ohh!

My God, they'd kill it at birth if it looks like that.

I thought the Omen was fiction.

The baby will take its place in the line of succession

whether male or female.

This met with widespread approval in the papers.

For example, one royal commentator said:

That was Nicole, 20, from Bournemouth.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting...

to be hassled by the paparazzi even more than she was before.

A buzzing Prince Harry cracked open a jeroboam of vintage champagne

at eight in the morning.

And then heard the news that Kate was pregnant.

LAUGHTER

So now we're in Round Two!

-CHEERING

-Yes!

And I'm going to give you musical clues to these stories.

And this is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. See?

I appeal to the masses and not to the intelligentsia.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC INTRO: "God Save The Queen" by The Sex Pistols

God save the Queen.

LAUGHTER

The fascist regime.

They made you a moron.

Potential H-bomb.

Anybody got any ideas?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

-Other than throwing me out!

-APPLAUSE

Is it The Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?

LAUGHTER

Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted

from a royal-themed tea room

-for refusing to stand up during the national anthem.

-Oh, yes.

Who owns the tea room?

A mad lady.

It's Anita Atkinson,

whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.

LAUGHTER

At 3:00pm every day:

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's nice and respectful, yeah.

Is there anything else about the tea room

-that the ejected pensioneers disliked apart from...

-Pensioneers?

That's a good word!

That makes them sound more get up and go, doesn't it?

"Yeah, I'm a pensioneer."

You could say pensioner...

but it has such a common sound.

-No, I love it.

-And you want pensioneer, like pioneer.

-The Pensioneers!

Pioneers, exactly. People who go out and get those...

-And rest.

-..winter fuel allowances.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And say, "One for all and all for...sorry, hang on, I've forgotten what I came in for."

LAUGHTER

You people are messed up!

And I say that coming from a country

that brought you the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Yeah, this is a really serious story, actually,

and I think it should be treated with a great amount of seriousness,

that the boy band One Direction, on a visit to, I believe it was Australia,

held a koala.

That's not the serious part of it.

The koala urinated...

SHE LAUGHS

..on One Direction.

In one direction or on One Direction?

In all directions on One Direction.

They were then told the quite frankly shocking statistic that 80%,

that's 80%, of koalas have chlamydia.

LAUGHTER

There is therefore a real and present danger that One Direction...

LAUGHTER

..top boy band, will have contracted...

SHE LAUGHS

..chlamydia from a koala.

LAUGHTER

Is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

The incident took place during a photo session.

Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle the dopey but cute-looking creatures,

the koalas said, "Yeah, why not?"

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

That's a waxwork.

-It's the world's worst wax museum, the Louis Tussaud's...

-Ah, Louis.

..House of Wax in Great Yarmouth. It's facing closure.

-Shall we have a look at some of their other work?

-Yes please.

-Yes.

First of all, who's this?

Michael Jackson, obviously.

No it isn't, that's Edwina Currie.

LAUGHTER

Paul, you're right. Next one?

-Is that Ian Botham?

-Ooh, you're on fire!

I'm startled by your ability to do this.

Yeah, I'm rather startled myself, actually.

That's just the dude at reception.

LAUGHTER

Daley Thompson.

-It is actually Daley Thompson.

-Oh, is it?

I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are.

You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just...

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

Neanderthal man.

LAUGHTER

-George Best.

-Yes, correct.

-Ah...

-George Best?!

LAUGHTER

-BELL RINGS

-Next...

-Tom Cruise.

-I can see who's behind him, is that...

-Noel Edmonds!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll give you a clue.

-I will give you a clue.

-Yeah.

The person in that picture looks absolutely nothing like the person whose name appears on my list.

Is it the Dalai Lama?

LAUGHTER

It's Jim Davidson.

LAUGHTER

One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:

Which, coincidentally, is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Jesus, Rothko's Black on Maroon, Vladimir Putin and Richard III.

Richard III's just been dug up.

-Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.

-Yeah.

Er...Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.

LAUGHTER

The Rothko's been defaced.

-Yeah.

-Shall I tell you?

-Yeah, go on.

They've all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,

which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer

in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.

REPORTER: This is how Christ was depicted originally...

And this as he looks now after a DIY restoration.

Now, King Richard III's portrait

was painted over during the reign of the Tudors.

And why has he been in the news recently?

-Cos they found his remains under a car park in Leicester, was it?

-That's right.

So he's not just been painted over, he's been tarmacked over.

LAUGHTER

They have all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,

whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.

One supporter of Pussy Riot is former world chess champion,

Garry Kasparov, who outside the court was attacked

by members of the Russian Orthodox Church.

He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Right, time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

Cat Fancy.

Or as I call it, The Spinster.

LAUGHTER

And we start with:

Massive cat?

LAUGHTER

I wandered lonely as a shroud, somebody's dressed up in a shroud?

A funeral, and...

It's actually "nuke cloud."

This is the plan to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste

below the Lake District.

A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says:

LAUGHTER

If you're watching the repeat on Dave, all clear.

LAUGHTER

Dementia.

LAUGHTER

Is it "flirted with velcro"?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No, the answer is "picked up a stud or two."

Next:

Is it a photograph of himself holding a carrot?

LAUGHTER

Dirty devil!

"Sends donkey an ill-fitting dress."

More surreal than that.

A fitting dress. A well-fitting dress.

"Djokovic sends donkey cheese market wonky."

Oh, now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...

This is the story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,

has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.

Make of that what you will.

I would make maybe a souffle?

LAUGHTER

It'd be a big souffle.

Yeah. APPLAUSE

Huge.

Next:

"I've had a tattoo."

Absolutely nearly right.

She says, "Tattoos are better than Botox."

Felicity Kendal revealed this in an interview with Piers Morgan,

although the interview I'm really looking forward to

is the one where Piers Morgan chats to the Metropolitan Police

about hacking at the Mirror.

Next:

Regained India.

LAUGHTER

The day the Queen threw a tantrum,

and tipped a pot of ink over her own head.

But only because she had run out of stamps,

and so she had to slam her head against the envelope.

LAUGHTER

Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?

Bam!

"Mail this!"

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Oh, it's a freeze frame.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Thank you very much.

"David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he likes it."

LAUGHTER

And I leave you with news that in central London,

Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."

LAUGHTER

Olympic organisers admit it was a mistake to allow official sponsors,

John West, to design the media centre.

LAUGHTER

And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,

rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work -

"Clegg and Cameron: The Coalition."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd