Episode 10 Have I Got News for You


Episode 10

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

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In the news this weeblg, as austerity begins to bite, one old

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lady stops by to check on her bank balance.

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It has been years in the creation, but at long last Amstrad unveil

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their answer to Apple's MacBook Air. And in the week of his pre-Budget

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announcement, there is more bad news for George Osborne, as it

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emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.

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With Ian tonight is a comedian I insisted was on the show, partly

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because he's very funny, but also because he makes me look tall. Andy

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Hamilton. And with Paul, is one of the few

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Radio One DJs that we are comfortable having on the show,

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please welcome Sara Cox. We start with the biggest stories

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of the week, Ian and Andy take a look at this.

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Andrew Mitchell, the former Chief Whip, caught on CCTV. It is a

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controversy. Hello, hate mail. of the ham heir "pleb and proud".

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That is Michael Crick. The reporter who got to the heart of the story.

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What is the heart of the story? is Christmas panto. The heart of

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the story is everyone thought the bad person here was the Chief Whip,

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Andrew Mitchell, it may be the police themselves. I said it was

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panto! That is sort of how these stories behave. I don't think it is

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panto what do you think boys and girls? Oh no they wouldn't! Oh yes

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they would! They wouldn't fake a police log? Oh yes they would!

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think they would. Would they have it in for the Chief Whip because he

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was going to impose odd terms and conditions on them? Oh yes they

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would! Are we doing the show like this? Are you easily manipulated?

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Yes we are! Some more than others. A lot of police misconduct is down

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to t if it is your policeman and your job is to standby the gate.

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You are getting towards the end of the day, the one with the short

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temper is coming towards you. You see him pushing his bike, you say

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Mr Mitchell, this gate is only for disabled unicorns now. And as he

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goes, you go, sorry Mr Mitchell, can you talk more slowly, so it can

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all be written down by a pretend tourist over there. You have to

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remember this is the first Government for a good 20 years that

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has tried to reform the police. It has tried to cut pay and wastage.

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There has been a report into the police by this man called Tom

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Windsor, and they don't like T the Police Federation, if you think

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there are dark forces at work in his world, you should try the

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Police Federation! You have just compared the head of the Police

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Federation to Voldemort! The chief of the Met is in a very difficult,

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Hogan-Howe. He's in a very difficult situation. The eyewitness

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who is a member of the public, was neither a member of the public, nor

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an eyewitness. But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true,

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perfectly true. The small detaifl him not having been there is the

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prob -- detail of him not being there is the problem. If we can

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give this to you, we are going to watch the CCTV footage, you are

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playing to play Andrew Mitchell and I will be the policeman. Let's see

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if we can make it fit the pictures. Can I exit through the main gate?

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Sorry Sir, cyclists have to exit through the side gate. I'm the

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Chief Whip and I have to exit through centre gate. I'm more than

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happy to open this, no officer has to open the main gate, this is the

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policy we have been directed to follow. I'm the Chief Whip, I'm the

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Chief Whip, open the main gate. more than happy to let you through

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the side gate, but it is policy not to exit through the main gate.

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not exiting through the president destrain get? There's a good

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gentleman. Learn you are BEEP place, you don't run this BEEP Government.

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You have a point there. You're quite informed, Ian. Oh no he

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didn't! Nobody thought he was, they didn't do it then! Can you explain

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why all inquiries steam to take so long? -- seem to take so long? And

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why they are so expensive? Well, because there are lawyers involved,

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and lawyers have to take a long time, because they are paid by the

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hour! Good, thank you for clearing that up for me. Who would like to

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see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson about population statistics.

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It is more interesting than it sounds. Since I have been Mayor of

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London, in the last four years, the city seems to have acquired another

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600,000 people. I'm not saying it is all down to you! Down to you!

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This is the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins, Britain's least

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popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell, the Sun reported the latest

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developments over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade, it seems

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trivial compared to another MP's callous insieplt to violence.

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A- in citement to violence. That is what David Cameron wrote in

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Nick Clegg's Christmas card! There we have, we have David Cameron the

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aforementioned Queen, the first Monarch to attend the cabinet

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meeting since 1787, or something like that. You can see she's

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absolutely thrilled to be there. That broach actually skwirts water.

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Wait a minute -- squirts water. Wait a minute. They gave her gifts?

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60 place mats, with pictures of the palace on. From a tourist shop.

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That is what you get the woman who has everything, something shit!

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would want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her

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own. Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she

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forgets. And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica, they

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didn't even wrap it, she wasn't impressed. We have the seem photo

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that was taken of the Queen, and her cabinet. They are all having a

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fantastic time. In the top right- hand corner we have John Terry, I

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think. Didn't she say something about

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going to the bank. She made a gok to George Osborne saying.

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Why have we got subtitles, it isn't The Killing. Most of us can get

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that. Is she the mystery guest? There is a pattern developing, she

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went to the Bank of England, and got them to show where they keep

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all the gold. She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.

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She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases. Clearly, she's

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planning a coup! Since it is Christmas, who would like to see

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the US secretary jefpb, Ban Ki Moon, attempting -- secretary-general,

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Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song.

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# I'm making a list # Checking it twice

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# Going to find out...$$NEWLINE # Going to find out...$$NEWLINE #

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Naughty or nice # Ban Ki Moon is coming to town!

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that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.

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This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street. The Queen's name

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was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica, cold, remote and

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shrinking by the year, the Queen is Ian and Andy here is another one

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for you. The building with a hole in it, the BBC. That's the chairman

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BBC Trust, introducing the Director General. This is the BBC looking

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into itself. They got slammed for not broadcast ago story about a

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paedophile, and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a

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paedophile. That was a pity. If they had done it the other way

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round, we would all be saying, how brilliant! When you put it like

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that it doesn't seem so bad. Nobody has been fired, but the deputy Head

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of News has resigned. Steve Mitchell and the BBC have said he

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gets to work his six months' notice on full passion before retiring on

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a full BBC pension. And then you get out and stay out! This is a

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slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten, had to say,

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when the report was released. REPORTER: Do you think he is honest,

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dishonest and questions to answer? And when did I stop beating my

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wife! Is that real? I don't know if that's him telling us that he has

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done that? I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.

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Right, the only man to lose his job, George Entwistle, what has he said

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about the report? It has exonerated him. The big question was whether

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they didn't put out the Newsnight in order to put out tributes to

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lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas. A lot of journalists and cynical

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people thought they ditched the investigation so they could put out

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a lovely light-ent, "isn't Jimmy wonderful", George Entwistle has

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said that is not true. He that, and he is facing an inquiry over why

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he's allowing the continuing broadcast of the One Show. He made

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it clear he told Helen Boaden and two other BBC executive that is he

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had decided to protect the BBC and the BBC News within it, and he was

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going to make a statement that makes it impossible for Peter

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Rippon not to resign. I don't know what that means and I was getting

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into The Chamber of Secrets when I was 12.

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How much did it cost? �2 million. Which you could have fired four

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Entwistles for. I worked at the BBC from 1976 I started, I tell you it

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was a hot bed of boarish, sexist, misogyny, just like the Post Office,

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where I worked in 1975 and Harrods where I worked in 1974 you don't

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need an inquiry to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,

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just watch an episode of On The Buses. It strikes me the three

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institutions you worked at all of them, that's odd, isn't it! This is

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the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded that the BBC

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was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard. Following

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the fold fold report, the former Newsnight editor, Peter Rippon, has

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been moved to new duties, he has been moved from Head of Arses to

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Head of Elbows. The revelations have continued to hit the front

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page, clutding the BBC Bungle -- including the BBC Bungle probe, not

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Bungle too. Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC Head of News,

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fixed it for BBC Head of News, Right this is a very complicated

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way to show the world will finish. Blimey, look at that, that is the

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end of Leamington Spa. Yeah, the Mayans, I believe, believed that

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the world's going to finish tomorrow or today, if we are going

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to pretend this is day, it is Friday today. It is not really, it

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is Thursday. But Friday, the world is going to end in about three

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minutes time. That is a nuisance for Ian, he's in the lead. Should

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we all just, does everyone want to stand up in the audience and say

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who they really hate, their bosses, the in-laws and that, get it all

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out now, because the world will end any way. More make love. Just make

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love. I'm sure if the world was going to end, the start of that

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process would have already begun, who knows? Nobody believes it, the

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Mayans don't believe it either. in ten people are a little bit

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worried about it. It is just a calendar, it is a very long cycle.

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Like when it goes from spin to rinse. Or from April to May!

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way a lot of people have misinterpreted t and saying the

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Mayans are deep and prophetic and they must no. There is a Mr Liu

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Qiyuan, who has built something? ark. A shelter. An underground

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bunker. It is a survival pod. There it is.

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Is that completely hollow, if it starts rolling he's going to get

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properly bruised. He's also very reliant on where it rolls as to

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whether he can get out or not! says it is tsunami proof if you

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close the door. What if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving

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aliens. NASA has felt obliged to all this bollocks, I mean

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speculation. They made a four- minute film named The World Didn't

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End Yesterday. They released it a week earlier, they said, if you are

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watching the video it means only one thing...get a life! British

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reaction has been wonderful, British and restrained. The AA have

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been issuing advice for motorists. The world should end, pull over to

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the nearest lay-by. It is really that good, they said drivers should

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allow extra time for their journey! And what did the London Fire

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Brigade advise? Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.

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They suggested people fit a smoke alarm on each floor, so they would

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be alerted to the fire and brimstone spreading through the

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house. Yes, this is the end of the world,

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due to happen any moment now, or if you are watching the repeat, wha-

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hey! This is according to the Mayan calendar. I have not seen it, but I

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imagine Miss December looks very gloomy! According to the Guardian,

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the Chinese Communist Party have detained 90 people for spreading

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rumours the world is about to end. And knowing China, for those 90

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people, it probably will. And so so round two, Daniel

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Radcliffe's jolly wonder land of festive Christmas tidings. Here is

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a glorious scene. There are clues to the news story q which he kindly

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:16:50.:16:51.

painted in. Here is the first one. Oh no.

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Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax? It is not, this is the

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news that a Starbucks campaign to spread the cheer back fired, after

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it was hijacked by Twitter users. Next to the Natural History Museum,

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Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink, you are allowed to text in

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any message you liked as long as you put the hashtagspreadthecheer.

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That was predibltable. You wouldn't -- predictable, you wouldn't have

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to be a Mayan to see that. Of this the Starbucks Twitter screen

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hijacked by tax protestors. One of the tweets displayed at the Natural

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Something they agreed down the road at the HMV & A, and in New York at

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the Guggenheim. Fingers on buzzers, here is the next clue.

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This is the norovirus, that will make Christmas very toilet centric.

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The yule tide logs will be softer this year. It has hit 880,000

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people this year. In March of this year, we wiped out three

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generations of our family, and three or four classes at the school.

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Everybody left, and everybody was hill from my 3-year-old's party. I

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triple checked the sasauges, I thought it was them, luckily it was

:19:03.:19:09.

norovirus. The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk

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away, they were doing the traditional northern party game of

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touch the wall! Touch the wall! And then, you know, it can just stay

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there, and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.

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Health Protection Agency has given some advice, thorough hand washing

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after using the toilet and preparing food and eating. It is

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odd now you have to tell public to wash their hands after going to the

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toilet. Shouldn't that be done in school. Basically everything Daniel

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just read out comes under the heading of common sense. You are

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not allowed to have that any more. No, no, it's gone. I'm a young

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person, that is why I read it out, not recognising it as common sense.

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How very true. Don't worry young person. You will grow wise and old

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one day! Sound ago bit like Dumbledore. Why was Hogwarts never

:20:03.:20:08.

inspected by Ofsted. Children being eaten by serpents, Ofsted, have

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questions to answer, I think. a private school, though. That's

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true. It is not much of a tight, Harry Potter and the Ofsted Report.

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What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea and

:20:22.:20:30.

someone on board as the norovirus? Duck. Throw them overboard.

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passengers on board P&O's cruiseship the Oriana, it was

:20:37.:20:43.

labelled the playing ship. Imagine showing off your photos after the

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playing ship, there is Barry and June, there is June on her knees,

:20:47.:20:51.

Barry is rubbing her back and holding her hair back a lovely

:20:51.:20:55.

couple. How did these unfortunate puking people react? At first

:20:55.:20:59.

completely in an overthe top dramatic way, then suspicion

:20:59.:21:04.

entered their eyes. Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance

:21:04.:21:09.

back, meeting your eye for a second and looking out towards the distant

:21:09.:21:14.

horizon, and then, throwing up. Picture that quick. First bit is

:21:14.:21:19.

romantic and then bleurgh. They demanded refunds. You can't have

:21:19.:21:24.

your sick back, I'm sorry, it's our's now. When the ship returned

:21:24.:21:28.

to sport, the passengers threatened a sit-in, that is what they said.

:21:28.:21:33.

This is the norovirus, or, to put it in terms, Harry Potter fans will

:21:33.:21:43.
:21:43.:21:50.

understand, from both end it is expelliar us! Fingers on buzzers.

:21:50.:21:55.

Lots of Christmas lights. When he passed them they were still

:21:55.:22:05.
:22:05.:22:09.

lit. How did the dog's owner. How did

:22:09.:22:18.

she find where the missing lights were. She sent him to the pet

:22:18.:22:23.

hospital after finding bits of wire sticking out of Charlie's faeces.

:22:23.:22:27.

Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet, that is not an X-ray,

:22:27.:22:31.

he's plugged in. Charlie has been described as a

:22:31.:22:34.

repeat offender. What else has he eaten. Has he eaten all the

:22:34.:22:41.

homework. He ate my copy of Just William, I

:22:41.:22:45.

was supposed to be doing the report on. I had to go into school, and

:22:45.:22:53.

say, really, though, the dog ate it. Did the teacher say, "fantasy again

:22:53.:22:58.

Potter". What did they say. You're not on a film set, now, Daniel. I

:22:58.:23:03.

said, I know, I'm a lot less happy. And nobody's getting me coffee.

:23:03.:23:12.

know, who are all these other people, they are so close to me!

:23:12.:23:17.

This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery after swallowing a string

:23:17.:23:20.

of festive Christmas lights. As he prepared to face the operation, his

:23:20.:23:29.

owner gave him a hug and his face lit up! Time for the odd one out

:23:29.:23:39.
:23:39.:23:47.

How does the dog smell, it is mainly food, the mouth, I suppose.

:23:47.:23:57.
:23:57.:23:57.

So the stpianks has no nose. did he lose his nose? We're going

:23:57.:24:05.

to pick old metal nose at the bottom. He's the odd one out.

:24:05.:24:11.

The fianks. It is Voldemort. Of course it is. -- It is The Sphinx.

:24:11.:24:16.

It is Voldemort. Give the reason, you didn't give the right reason,

:24:16.:24:24.

give the best reason. I can see why Hermione lost interest. Very good.

:24:24.:24:34.
:24:34.:24:34.

That is unstpair. Tr Unfair. He's the only one who lost their nose.

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They all have no nose, Voldemort's is there but it is flat. It is hard

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in a dog -- not to have a nose when you are a dog, because it is

:24:49.:24:53.

considered impolite. What is the matter with your's. According to

:24:53.:24:56.

Wikipedia, Lord Voldermort is the main villain in the Harry Potter

:24:56.:25:01.

books? Have they made them into books. What was the basic story,

:25:01.:25:06.

then? APPLAUSE

:25:06.:25:10.

Did it all turn out all right in the end. Yeah, it does. That's good

:25:10.:25:15.

enough for me. Time now for the missing words round, this week it

:25:15.:25:20.

features as a guest publication, the Powerful Owl, Project, my

:25:20.:25:27.

association with owls, I once killed an owl with a shovel, Harry

:25:27.:25:32.

Potter did. What forced to deny claims that he underwent 16-hour

:25:32.:25:42.
:25:42.:25:43.

sex change to become Michelle? Obama! Mike Tyson, he has been

:25:43.:25:47.

forced to deny this. This spoof story appeared on a website and

:25:47.:25:53.

spread around the world, apparently he visited the skilled

:25:53.:26:01.

reconstructive surgeon who Terry Williams visited before becoming

:26:01.:26:05.

Serena. What about this one? Irish

:26:05.:26:15.
:26:15.:26:18.

stereotypes. I hate tight trousers. Next.

:26:18.:26:28.
:26:28.:26:29.

Are my only joys in life, says Pope. Can cause a leech to regurgate

:26:29.:26:35.

infection. This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.

:26:35.:26:43.

Finally? Flat-faced owl. This is a man who found �85 down the back of

:26:43.:26:46.

his sofa. I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred

:26:47.:26:51.

from the north of England. Don't do it then. I have to do it t it is on

:26:51.:26:54.

the autocue, you know what that means. There is estimated to be

:26:54.:26:58.

�1.61 down the back of the sofa, if you live in Hull, what are you

:26:58.:27:08.
:27:08.:27:09.

waiting for. Run out into the front garden and check! Bad wizard, bad.

:27:09.:27:13.

And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sarah have seven, and Ian and

:27:13.:27:22.

Andy have nine. Just before we go there is time for

:27:22.:27:31.

the caption competition. Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle

:27:31.:27:37.

pump. Eric Pickles, reincarnated. On which note, we say thank you to

:27:38.:27:44.

our panellists, Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton, Cox and Merton. I leave

:27:44.:27:49.

you with news that in a candidate moment Ed Miliband reveals how much

:27:49.:27:53.

he spent on his brother's Christmas present. A bit of a letdown for

:27:53.:27:58.

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