Episode 10 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.

In the news this weeblg, as austerity begins to bite, one old

lady stops by to check on her bank balance.

It has been years in the creation, but at long last Amstrad unveil

their answer to Apple's MacBook Air. And in the week of his pre-Budget

announcement, there is more bad news for George Osborne, as it

emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.

With Ian tonight is a comedian I insisted was on the show, partly

because he's very funny, but also because he makes me look tall. Andy

Hamilton. And with Paul, is one of the few

Radio One DJs that we are comfortable having on the show,

please welcome Sara Cox. We start with the biggest stories

of the week, Ian and Andy take a look at this.

Andrew Mitchell, the former Chief Whip, caught on CCTV. It is a

controversy. Hello, hate mail. of the ham heir "pleb and proud".

That is Michael Crick. The reporter who got to the heart of the story.

What is the heart of the story? is Christmas panto. The heart of

the story is everyone thought the bad person here was the Chief Whip,

Andrew Mitchell, it may be the police themselves. I said it was

panto! That is sort of how these stories behave. I don't think it is

panto what do you think boys and girls? Oh no they wouldn't! Oh yes

they would! They wouldn't fake a police log? Oh yes they would!

think they would. Would they have it in for the Chief Whip because he

was going to impose odd terms and conditions on them? Oh yes they

would! Are we doing the show like this? Are you easily manipulated?

Yes we are! Some more than others. A lot of police misconduct is down

to t if it is your policeman and your job is to standby the gate.

You are getting towards the end of the day, the one with the short

temper is coming towards you. You see him pushing his bike, you say

Mr Mitchell, this gate is only for disabled unicorns now. And as he

goes, you go, sorry Mr Mitchell, can you talk more slowly, so it can

all be written down by a pretend tourist over there. You have to

remember this is the first Government for a good 20 years that

has tried to reform the police. It has tried to cut pay and wastage.

There has been a report into the police by this man called Tom

Windsor, and they don't like T the Police Federation, if you think

there are dark forces at work in his world, you should try the

Police Federation! You have just compared the head of the Police

Federation to Voldemort! The chief of the Met is in a very difficult,

Hogan-Howe. He's in a very difficult situation. The eyewitness

who is a member of the public, was neither a member of the public, nor

an eyewitness. But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true,

perfectly true. The small detaifl him not having been there is the

prob -- detail of him not being there is the problem. If we can

give this to you, we are going to watch the CCTV footage, you are

playing to play Andrew Mitchell and I will be the policeman. Let's see

if we can make it fit the pictures. Can I exit through the main gate?

Sorry Sir, cyclists have to exit through the side gate. I'm the

Chief Whip and I have to exit through centre gate. I'm more than

happy to open this, no officer has to open the main gate, this is the

policy we have been directed to follow. I'm the Chief Whip, I'm the

Chief Whip, open the main gate. more than happy to let you through

the side gate, but it is policy not to exit through the main gate.

not exiting through the president destrain get? There's a good

gentleman. Learn you are BEEP place, you don't run this BEEP Government.

You have a point there. You're quite informed, Ian. Oh no he

didn't! Nobody thought he was, they didn't do it then! Can you explain

why all inquiries steam to take so long? -- seem to take so long? And

why they are so expensive? Well, because there are lawyers involved,

and lawyers have to take a long time, because they are paid by the

hour! Good, thank you for clearing that up for me. Who would like to

see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson about population statistics.

It is more interesting than it sounds. Since I have been Mayor of

London, in the last four years, the city seems to have acquired another

600,000 people. I'm not saying it is all down to you! Down to you!

This is the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins, Britain's least

popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell, the Sun reported the latest

developments over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade, it seems

trivial compared to another MP's callous insieplt to violence.

A- in citement to violence. That is what David Cameron wrote in

Nick Clegg's Christmas card! There we have, we have David Cameron the

aforementioned Queen, the first Monarch to attend the cabinet

meeting since 1787, or something like that. You can see she's

absolutely thrilled to be there. That broach actually skwirts water.

Wait a minute -- squirts water. Wait a minute. They gave her gifts?

60 place mats, with pictures of the palace on. From a tourist shop.

That is what you get the woman who has everything, something shit!

would want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her

own. Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she

forgets. And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica, they

didn't even wrap it, she wasn't impressed. We have the seem photo

that was taken of the Queen, and her cabinet. They are all having a

fantastic time. In the top right- hand corner we have John Terry, I

think. Didn't she say something about

going to the bank. She made a gok to George Osborne saying.

Why have we got subtitles, it isn't The Killing. Most of us can get

that. Is she the mystery guest? There is a pattern developing, she

went to the Bank of England, and got them to show where they keep

all the gold. She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.

She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases. Clearly, she's

planning a coup! Since it is Christmas, who would like to see

the US secretary jefpb, Ban Ki Moon, attempting -- secretary-general,

Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song.

# I'm making a list # Checking it twice

# Going to find out...$$NEWLINE # Going to find out...$$NEWLINE #

Naughty or nice # Ban Ki Moon is coming to town!

that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.

This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street. The Queen's name

was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica, cold, remote and

shrinking by the year, the Queen is Ian and Andy here is another one

for you. The building with a hole in it, the BBC. That's the chairman

BBC Trust, introducing the Director General. This is the BBC looking

into itself. They got slammed for not broadcast ago story about a

paedophile, and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a

paedophile. That was a pity. If they had done it the other way

round, we would all be saying, how brilliant! When you put it like

that it doesn't seem so bad. Nobody has been fired, but the deputy Head

of News has resigned. Steve Mitchell and the BBC have said he

gets to work his six months' notice on full passion before retiring on

a full BBC pension. And then you get out and stay out! This is a

slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten, had to say,

when the report was released. REPORTER: Do you think he is honest,

dishonest and questions to answer? And when did I stop beating my

wife! Is that real? I don't know if that's him telling us that he has

done that? I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.

Right, the only man to lose his job, George Entwistle, what has he said

about the report? It has exonerated him. The big question was whether

they didn't put out the Newsnight in order to put out tributes to

lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas. A lot of journalists and cynical

people thought they ditched the investigation so they could put out

a lovely light-ent, "isn't Jimmy wonderful", George Entwistle has

said that is not true. He that, and he is facing an inquiry over why

he's allowing the continuing broadcast of the One Show. He made

it clear he told Helen Boaden and two other BBC executive that is he

had decided to protect the BBC and the BBC News within it, and he was

going to make a statement that makes it impossible for Peter

Rippon not to resign. I don't know what that means and I was getting

into The Chamber of Secrets when I was 12.

How much did it cost? �2 million. Which you could have fired four

Entwistles for. I worked at the BBC from 1976 I started, I tell you it

was a hot bed of boarish, sexist, misogyny, just like the Post Office,

where I worked in 1975 and Harrods where I worked in 1974 you don't

need an inquiry to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,

just watch an episode of On The Buses. It strikes me the three

institutions you worked at all of them, that's odd, isn't it! This is

the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded that the BBC

was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard. Following

the fold fold report, the former Newsnight editor, Peter Rippon, has

been moved to new duties, he has been moved from Head of Arses to

Head of Elbows. The revelations have continued to hit the front

page, clutding the BBC Bungle -- including the BBC Bungle probe, not

Bungle too. Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC Head of News,

fixed it for BBC Head of News, Right this is a very complicated

way to show the world will finish. Blimey, look at that, that is the

end of Leamington Spa. Yeah, the Mayans, I believe, believed that

the world's going to finish tomorrow or today, if we are going

to pretend this is day, it is Friday today. It is not really, it

is Thursday. But Friday, the world is going to end in about three

minutes time. That is a nuisance for Ian, he's in the lead. Should

we all just, does everyone want to stand up in the audience and say

who they really hate, their bosses, the in-laws and that, get it all

out now, because the world will end any way. More make love. Just make

love. I'm sure if the world was going to end, the start of that

process would have already begun, who knows? Nobody believes it, the

Mayans don't believe it either. in ten people are a little bit

worried about it. It is just a calendar, it is a very long cycle.

Like when it goes from spin to rinse. Or from April to May!

way a lot of people have misinterpreted t and saying the

Mayans are deep and prophetic and they must no. There is a Mr Liu

Qiyuan, who has built something? ark. A shelter. An underground

bunker. It is a survival pod. There it is.

Is that completely hollow, if it starts rolling he's going to get

properly bruised. He's also very reliant on where it rolls as to

whether he can get out or not! says it is tsunami proof if you

close the door. What if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving

aliens. NASA has felt obliged to all this bollocks, I mean

speculation. They made a four- minute film named The World Didn't

End Yesterday. They released it a week earlier, they said, if you are

watching the video it means only one thing...get a life! British

reaction has been wonderful, British and restrained. The AA have

been issuing advice for motorists. The world should end, pull over to

the nearest lay-by. It is really that good, they said drivers should

allow extra time for their journey! And what did the London Fire

Brigade advise? Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.

They suggested people fit a smoke alarm on each floor, so they would

be alerted to the fire and brimstone spreading through the

house. Yes, this is the end of the world,

due to happen any moment now, or if you are watching the repeat, wha-

hey! This is according to the Mayan calendar. I have not seen it, but I

imagine Miss December looks very gloomy! According to the Guardian,

the Chinese Communist Party have detained 90 people for spreading

rumours the world is about to end. And knowing China, for those 90

people, it probably will. And so so round two, Daniel

Radcliffe's jolly wonder land of festive Christmas tidings. Here is

a glorious scene. There are clues to the news story q which he kindly

painted in. Here is the first one. Oh no.

Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax? It is not, this is the

news that a Starbucks campaign to spread the cheer back fired, after

it was hijacked by Twitter users. Next to the Natural History Museum,

Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink, you are allowed to text in

any message you liked as long as you put the hashtagspreadthecheer.

That was predibltable. You wouldn't -- predictable, you wouldn't have

to be a Mayan to see that. Of this the Starbucks Twitter screen

hijacked by tax protestors. One of the tweets displayed at the Natural

Something they agreed down the road at the HMV & A, and in New York at

the Guggenheim. Fingers on buzzers, here is the next clue.

This is the norovirus, that will make Christmas very toilet centric.

The yule tide logs will be softer this year. It has hit 880,000

people this year. In March of this year, we wiped out three

generations of our family, and three or four classes at the school.

Everybody left, and everybody was hill from my 3-year-old's party. I

triple checked the sasauges, I thought it was them, luckily it was

norovirus. The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk

away, they were doing the traditional northern party game of

touch the wall! Touch the wall! And then, you know, it can just stay

there, and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.

Health Protection Agency has given some advice, thorough hand washing

after using the toilet and preparing food and eating. It is

odd now you have to tell public to wash their hands after going to the

toilet. Shouldn't that be done in school. Basically everything Daniel

just read out comes under the heading of common sense. You are

not allowed to have that any more. No, no, it's gone. I'm a young

person, that is why I read it out, not recognising it as common sense.

How very true. Don't worry young person. You will grow wise and old

one day! Sound ago bit like Dumbledore. Why was Hogwarts never

inspected by Ofsted. Children being eaten by serpents, Ofsted, have

questions to answer, I think. a private school, though. That's

true. It is not much of a tight, Harry Potter and the Ofsted Report.

What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea and

someone on board as the norovirus? Duck. Throw them overboard.

passengers on board P&O's cruiseship the Oriana, it was

labelled the playing ship. Imagine showing off your photos after the

playing ship, there is Barry and June, there is June on her knees,

Barry is rubbing her back and holding her hair back a lovely

couple. How did these unfortunate puking people react? At first

completely in an overthe top dramatic way, then suspicion

entered their eyes. Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance

back, meeting your eye for a second and looking out towards the distant

horizon, and then, throwing up. Picture that quick. First bit is

romantic and then bleurgh. They demanded refunds. You can't have

your sick back, I'm sorry, it's our's now. When the ship returned

to sport, the passengers threatened a sit-in, that is what they said.

This is the norovirus, or, to put it in terms, Harry Potter fans will

understand, from both end it is expelliar us! Fingers on buzzers.

Lots of Christmas lights. When he passed them they were still

lit. How did the dog's owner. How did

she find where the missing lights were. She sent him to the pet

hospital after finding bits of wire sticking out of Charlie's faeces.

Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet, that is not an X-ray,

he's plugged in. Charlie has been described as a

repeat offender. What else has he eaten. Has he eaten all the

homework. He ate my copy of Just William, I

was supposed to be doing the report on. I had to go into school, and

say, really, though, the dog ate it. Did the teacher say, "fantasy again

Potter". What did they say. You're not on a film set, now, Daniel. I

said, I know, I'm a lot less happy. And nobody's getting me coffee.

know, who are all these other people, they are so close to me!

This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery after swallowing a string

of festive Christmas lights. As he prepared to face the operation, his

owner gave him a hug and his face lit up! Time for the odd one out

How does the dog smell, it is mainly food, the mouth, I suppose.

So the stpianks has no nose. did he lose his nose? We're going

to pick old metal nose at the bottom. He's the odd one out.

The fianks. It is Voldemort. Of course it is. -- It is The Sphinx.

It is Voldemort. Give the reason, you didn't give the right reason,

give the best reason. I can see why Hermione lost interest. Very good.

That is unstpair. Tr Unfair. He's the only one who lost their nose.

They all have no nose, Voldemort's is there but it is flat. It is hard

in a dog -- not to have a nose when you are a dog, because it is

considered impolite. What is the matter with your's. According to

Wikipedia, Lord Voldermort is the main villain in the Harry Potter

books? Have they made them into books. What was the basic story,

then? APPLAUSE

Did it all turn out all right in the end. Yeah, it does. That's good

enough for me. Time now for the missing words round, this week it

features as a guest publication, the Powerful Owl, Project, my

association with owls, I once killed an owl with a shovel, Harry

Potter did. What forced to deny claims that he underwent 16-hour

sex change to become Michelle? Obama! Mike Tyson, he has been

forced to deny this. This spoof story appeared on a website and

spread around the world, apparently he visited the skilled

reconstructive surgeon who Terry Williams visited before becoming

Serena. What about this one? Irish

stereotypes. I hate tight trousers. Next.

Are my only joys in life, says Pope. Can cause a leech to regurgate

infection. This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.

Finally? Flat-faced owl. This is a man who found �85 down the back of

his sofa. I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred

from the north of England. Don't do it then. I have to do it t it is on

the autocue, you know what that means. There is estimated to be

�1.61 down the back of the sofa, if you live in Hull, what are you

waiting for. Run out into the front garden and check! Bad wizard, bad.

And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sarah have seven, and Ian and

Andy have nine. Just before we go there is time for

the caption competition. Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle

pump. Eric Pickles, reincarnated. On which note, we say thank you to

our panellists, Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton, Cox and Merton. I leave

you with news that in a candidate moment Ed Miliband reveals how much

he spent on his brother's Christmas present. A bit of a letdown for