Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

Round the back of a beauticians in Knightsbridge, there is evidence

that Rebekah Brooks celebrated her multimillion pound pay-off with a

bikini wax! With Ian tonight is co-presenter of

the quiz show, Pointless, where the aim is to score as few points as

possible, at last, a show Ian could win. Please welcome, Richard Osman.

Thank you. And with Paul, is a comedian and

actor who stars in the BAFTA- winning sitcom, Rev, but he's still

happy to do jobs like this for the money, so he's a vicar and a tart,

please welcome miles. We start with the bigger stories of

the week, Paul and Miles, take a look at this. Yes, take a look,

this is the Boris. Wedding in Vegas. There is a man alone. Not alone for

long. This is a story about whether gay people are human beings or not,

if they are, they have equal rights, and if they are not, they can't.

This is about the row about legaliseing gay marriage, which

threatens to rend the Tory Party assunder, so who's behind it?

is quite a question with the Tory backbenchers. Ignoring the answer

would fill up a lesser show, I would say, I don't know who is?

is Cameron-Clegg. A gay married couple. And What is the story MP

Peter Bone's big problem? His name! He's against it? Yes. It's also

that he's protesting that neither the Tories, Labour or the Liberal

Democrats even mentioned legaliseing gay marriage in their

manifestos. I know it is childish, but every time David Cameron says

on gay marriage, he has a mandate, it makes me laugh! What was the

compromised position the Government have worked out? You can't ask

these questions. They can get married in church, but they have to

keep the lights off so people can't see them. The church that is don't

want to do it, don't have to, that is the compromise, it seems they

have come up with a solution that pleases no-one. They have also

changed the Eqality Act, so you can't sue a vicar for not marrying

a gay couple. You can't sue a vicar, you can manage them running around

going "can't sue a vicar". Do you all act them as camp. I have four

or five repertoires in with vicars, one unbelievably butch. One David

Davies, opposed to gay marriage, said most people wouldn't want gay

children, how did he prove he didn't homophobic? He once hit a

gay man in a boxing ring. Can you remember his name? The Pink Pounder,

he punched out a gay man, so he's not homophobic, that is how we know.

Took some punishment in the ring I expect! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

APPLAUSE So why has the Government raised

this issue now? It's happening now, because Cameron and his wife, they

looked at their mantle piece, and they thought, we used to have loads

of wedding invitation, and everyone which know is already married or

awaiting sentence. I think the real reason he's doing it, it is

distracting, it is like being in America, you do politics about

things that aren't happening. make us stop thinking about the

economic shit pit of a situation we have. Is that a technical term or

Welsh, shit pit! Meanwhile, what has the Government not been doing

while the gay marriage row has being gone on, apart from not

looking at the economy properly. The census? No, responding to the

Leveson Report, after Cameron told the newspaper editors off, and

demanded they come up with some ideas are regulating themselves,

what did the editors do, they went off and had a big lunch. Were you

invited today this big blow out? funny that, isn't it. I was there,

you were there as well? Yeah, yeah. It was fun, it was good. Weren't

you really annoyed? No, I didn't care at all. I gave my evidence to

Leveson, I have said the same thing all the way through, they know what

I think. Private Eye was not criticised in the Leveson Report,

in fact, he was quite kind! you're not interested enough in

wider journalism only your own interests? Of course, don't be

stupid. But Leveson has got interesting. Because, (drum roll on

table) Our party would have been amazing if someone had come along

and done that. Was that Gangnam Style, very close, you know that.

Yes, I know Gangnam Style, who am I kidding! So why has it become very

interesting? It's become interesting because the Telegraph

had a Tory about the culture secretary, and her expenses. Maria

Miller? She's been claiming rent, on this house where her parents

live. You are not really allowed to do this, when other MPs did it,

they got fairly violently criticised. But she's the culture

skerbgts-to-so the Telegraph rang her up and said we have this story

with expenses on your house. And her aide said that the Culture

Secretary is looking at the Leveson Report, and then they did it again.

They rang the Prime Minister's office, and again, his

communications bloke said, I should warn you that Maria Miller is

looking at Leveson. So there was a bit of a threat, that if you do

this sort of journalistic thing of pointing out where we're fiddling

expense, we might crack down on you. And introduce a law. They said it

wasn't a threat, they mentioned Leveson, in the way the frightening

man in the pub might mention the quality of hospital food! We should

point out that Maria Miller was claiming expenses on her second

home, and denies any wrongdoing? How stupid of anyone to never there

was something dodgy in it. I think she should be exonerated. Is that

the word I mean, what is it when they tie you up and put electricity

to you through you. There is a fantastic bit of evidence in the

Leveson Report, I have to bring this up, involving Charlotte. It is

about when you sung at Rupert Murdochh's wedding, and the request

came through for you to pi Pie Jesu. Which is from Faure Requiem, you

pointed out this was a funeral Director General, you say in your

evidence you have no idea why. I know, because the party was

organised by his young wife! did it go down, were you a storm on

the yacht? Yes, apart from Pie Jesu. What did we learn from marriage

from the 2011 census? It is not as popular. Less people getting

married, apart from Polish people. Less than half of the UK population

bother with it? That is literally just the women, that is the weird

thing, that is what they can't work out! So what did we learn about the

ethnic mix of the UK? It's changed? Yes. Which is reflected by the

panel tonight! Apparently it is changing fast, white people are now

in a minority in London be in the population. White British, white

people general are still in the majority because of the Polish and

Ukrainians. Whereabouts in the population is 95% white British?

Wales! Quite right, but we do love strangers, honest! It's true.

all the Celtic fringes, Scotland, Wales, the West Country, mostly

white. Still. That sound like a racist weather forecast! Dark

clouds coming over! Now, it is only a couple of weeks until Christmas.

But where wasn't Jesus welcome this week? In a dance tournament? In a

darts tournament. Jesus turned up, and unfortunately, lots of people

were quite drunk, so Jesus, instead of spreading the word was escorted

out of the building by security guards. Did you say he wasn't

actually Jesus? He was Jesus. did I miss the second coming?

You're not interested in darts. was actually at the Cash Converters

Darts Championship, final at Butlins in Minehead. I think we

should have a look at it. (crowd boos) (they chant Jesus)!

The trouble s before he turned up, they were drinking water. I would

be pretty happy to lose my deposit on a holiday there. Speaking of

premier events in the social calendar, which musical opened this

week? Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical. That is right. The

Telegraph gave the musical a scathing review, "twaudy, lazy,

unedifying, and fatuous" were all unavailable for comment.

If anyone can name me five Spice Girls hits I will give you an extra

point? I will name ten for two points. Wannabe, Say you'll Be

There, mamma. Pie Jesu. One minute, one minute.

Mamma, Viva Forever, Stop, Goodbye, ...Did It have a little more?

Too Much. That's nine? Holla! was incredible.

Did you ever do anything where you think, why did I do that? This show

really deserves to be on at 5.5! How do you know that, you are not

one of them. I'm Lofty Spice! Was it recently a

question on your show? Yes, let's say it was! Do you have a younger

sister who bought these records when they first came out. Let's say

both those things are true. Did she play them all the time? Did she

ever! This is the latest proposals for gay marriage, according to a

, yes I have been to a few gay club, and that's not going to be a

problem. This week, David Davies the Tory MP for Monmouth claimed

most parents would prefer their children not to be gay. I don't

mind if my kids turn out to be gay, just as long as they don't turn out

to be Tory MPs. Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

Berlusconi is back. Like a bald sex-starved, sex-craved terminator.

I like that, that looks like a party-and-a-half. Is that the Darts

at Minehead. That is the EU Nobel Prize, they are playing the EU

anthem, and we can't hear it. think they may be plying Spice Up

Your Life, that got to number one, I think it was November, I don't go

that deep! I bet you do! Silvio Berlusconi is back, he has

withdrawn his support from Mario Monti in Italy, so they are going

to have to hold another election. It is political chaos in Italy.

This is how democracy works in Europe, Mario Monti wasn't elected,

he's the person the Germans want, and the public wanted Berlusconi,

but sadly, he had had a number of issues, as we say. Most of them

about 17! Absolutely. What does Berlusconi say motivated him to

come out of retirement? He has a new girlfriend, he has, she's 27.

Incredibly old. She's been behind him, she ran a campaign, saying

"Come back Berlusconi". He said he couldn't find a suitable

replacement, and he's running to win, and doing it out of a sense of

responsibility. Always worth reminding ourselves with the

contrast of what he was saying just before he left office in 2011.

"I'm leaving this shitty country which I'm sick of". He has another

incentive to be Prime Minister, if you are Prime Minister they can't

prosecute you for corruption. And you can bring in laws that say, you

can't be prosecuted. It is quite in his interests to be Prime Minister

at this particular time. So he's involved in two trials, somebody

failed to turn up in court, which was Ruby the Heart Stealer, he's

the 17-year-old who he was said to have bunga bungaed. She's at

college for further education. She's at Ian's. Her lawyer said he

had no idea where she was, she sent a text saying she was abroad. Is

the dirty old bastard, sorry...Dirty Old. He's sitting

right here! I mean the respected international statesman, is he

likely to win? Definitely. He could win, he's a long way behind in the

polls, Berlusconi. In other European news, what did Nick Clegg

pick up this week? The Nobel Prize, he was there, everybody sent their

top people, Angela Merkels was there from Germany, Dominic

Hollande from France. Not Dominic Hollande, I think you mean Francois

Hollande? He's a comedian. Dominic Holland, did he go. Yeah. He's

funny. He was the warm-up. What did Cameron compare his approach to

Europe to, think about Sting, what's he famous for? Leaves the

Police! Tantric sex, but it can't be that. It is. He compared it to

Are you sure it wasn't cannot trick yoga, it is not always sex. What

about the last line, how do you explain that, then, Ian? Yes, how

do you explain that? Do you really expect the court to believe this

tissue of lies! Send him down! Don't, I'm having a flashback!

is the possible return to Italian politics for Silvio Berlusconi, who

has come back from the grave more often than Yasser Arafat.

Also this week, the EU picked up the Nobel Peace Prize, according to

the chairman of the prize committee, Europe is now "a continent of

peace". Now there's a man who has never been to Magaluf.

And so to round two, the strengthometer of news, fingers on

buzzers, teams, here is the first one.

Yes, this is the, they are building a long-range missile, I don't know

if it can reach London. But we seem to be happy to make jokes about it

at the moment. This is the news that North Korea has launched a

rocket. Shall we see the retrained manner in which the imBarings north

Korean broadcaster announced the What have the north Koreans claimed

the rocket is for? Launching a communication satellite, as

pioneered by Arthur C Clarke in the 1940s. Do you have any idea what it

was called? Barry, Barry Watson. was actually called qauingqauing.

That's Korean for Barry Watson -- Kwangmyongson-3. It's Korean for

Barry Watson. What caused a stir in Sudan this week? A human canon ball.

It was an Israeli vulture, which was captured by Sudanese officials,

on suspicion that the bird was spying and a secret agent. Any idea

what his code name is? The cull -- vulture? He has a code name? Then

he probably is a spy. It's Barry Watson! He's actually known as PP 0.

277. I was going to say that! is the preamble to world war three,

Kim Jong Un insists it is part of the space programme, the next stage

is to send a dog into space. If all goes well, the north Korean

scientists hope it will crisp up nicely on re-entry. Fingers on

buzzers teams, here is the next one. This monkey went to IKEA, he

doesn't look happy. Look at hi coat. This was a monkey wearing a jacket,

who wandered into a branch of IKEA in Toronto this week. Do you know

what he has been called? Barry Watson. I think it is Darwin.

Darwin! Who did the Sun compare Darwin to? He looks like John

Motson, is it him. Liam Gallagher! I'm not sure who should be

consulting their lawyers first. did he get there? His brother was

in band first of all, and then he went in there.

He was in the back of a car. Yeah, he escaped. His owner is a lady

called Yasmin Nakhuda, who is trying to get the monkey back. As

according to her, she has mothered him for the past five months. They

did everything together. I hope they didn't get up to any

Monkey Business, because that is how AIDS started! What a surprising

turn the evening has taken. finally, what did this man do to

save the police a job? His genitals light up! Alternately. Was he

having a secret affair with a passenger in the back of the van.

And she is strapped to the roof inside? No. And her husband is

driving and he doesn't have a rear view mirror and he don't know what

was going on, he's just looking for sweets. He stopped this car.

stopped this car? Which was speeding, burglaring. He spotted

two thieves breaking into this van in Paris, he ran after them and

managed to jump on, he accosted one of the thieves and one ran off.

what point did he lose his trousers? Apparently he saw the

thieves from his hotel room, and didn't have time to put his

trousers on? Why would you wear trousers in the hotel. Pay for the

room, BEEPing-ing take them off. That is what the trouser press is

for. Time for the odd one out round. Your four are Roger Daltrey, Mel

Blank, Michelle Obama, and Ed Balls. Stutters, stammers, Roger Daltrey

and Mel Blank pretended to have stutters, for professional reasons.

Maybe Zoe Ball pretented, and the only -- Ed Balls pretended, and

Michelle did have one and was cured. They have all put on fake stammer,

except Ed Balls, who blamed his poor performance in the Commons on

his stammer. Mel Blank voiced Porky Pig, how would that stammer go?

would start, he would go P-p-p-p-p- pepperoni. He wouldn't say that

because that would be his cousin. Did Ed Balls go on the X Factor,

did you see him. They read out one of his tweets, he wasn't there. He

had written! Didn't he tweet about his tweet being shouted out.

sweeted Nicole Scherzinger. Ed, do you think you could concentrate on

the BEEP-ing economy? What is the song of 2012? Crikey I don't know?

It could be Call Me Maybe. It is definitely not. It is the �1 fish

song. Couple of you. It's really funny, isn't it. Do you want to

hear it? I would love to hear it. # Have, have, a look �1.

# Very, very good �1 fish # Very, very cheap

# �1 fish # Come on ladies two of fish

# �1 each. That's awesome.

I tell you what, Seal has aged badly. I think that's what he's

selling. Yes, they have all put on fake stamers, except Ed Balls, who

has a genuine one. Roger Daltrey statistic urd on My Generation, the

BBC initially didn't want to play it because they didn't want to

offend people who stutter, showing the moral vigilance that kept Top

Of The Pops going in the 1970s. Time for the missing words round.

This week features as a guest publication the Leveson Inquiry

Report, it is a cracking read, I won't give away what happens in the

end. I'm guessing, bugger all. With Organise a piss up in a

brewery. Get his car pregnant! actually "iron his face".

Here he is, we have a picture of him. He answered the iron thinking

it was a phone. He thought it was a Wonderful Vietnamese cleaner but I

have to let you go! Is it you're a politician. It is, that's exactly

right. Height Hitler what? Heil Hitler

tanned dory grill forced to close. Heil Hitler voted seventh-best

catch phrase in history. wouldn't be hard to edit this with

all of us take saying Heil Hitler and edit it. I can do the sand hand

signals. Look at that light up there.

This is about Lady Camoys a bisexual, Nazi-loving arice toe

crate. Is she single. I will put in a good word for you. Next, Djokovic

sends donkey what? Sends him a carrot. An ill-fitting dress.

surreal than that? A well-fitting dress. Djokovic sends donkey cheese

market wonky. If you are just going to pick words out a dictionary.

This is a story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,

has bought up all the world's supply of donkey cheese, make of

that what you will. I would make maybe a souffle!

would be a big souffle. So the final scores are, Paul and

Miles have five, whilst Ian and Richard have nine. But, before we

go, there is just time for the caption competition. Is it,

excessive use of Viagra renders press-ups almost impossible.

which note, we say thank you to our panellist, Ian Hislop and Richard

Osman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp, I leave you with news that in East

London children are distracted while their primary school is

closed down. In London, staff at HM Revenue &