Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am David Mitchell.

In the news this week, Andrew Marr announces the shock news that the

Pet Shop Boys have converted to Looking out of the bedroom window

in his Sheffield constituency, Nick Clegg regrets saying he will be the

leader of the Liberal Democrats And in Bedfordshire, outside the

home of Nadine Dorries, a reporter is on hand to witness the after-

With Ian tonight is a Scottish comedian who was recently described

as infectious and bubbly. Which either makes her the perfect guest,

or she has got the Noro Virus. Please welcome Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster who

recently published a book about how to get what you want out of life,

which was a great success if what she wanted is a pile of remaindered

books. Please welcome Janet Street- And we start with the biggest

stories of the week. Great. George Osborne. Handsome hunks Friday.

This is the Autumn Statement, which was quite cheery. George Osborne

announced that it is not as bad as you think. It is worth. It is just

so gloomy it is unbelievable. Everything is up, misery, or

austerity, poverty. It makes you yearn for when people said things

will get better and it will be all right. He said, no, it is terrible.

Until 2018, it is just awful. should have thrown his paper and

gone BLEEP, why bother. That is his prediction, is it? No, he has

changed his predictions. His previous predictions unfortunately

were not true, or did not come true. His new predictions are more

realistic. Are they? They are really awful. The negative growth

for the and 2012, and triple dip recession. It sounds like a

delicious ice-cream. We have good growth. We have got the Duchess of

Cambridge, she is having growth on our behalf. She will be a beacon in

my life as I see my pension fund and started a worth three been --

three peanuts and a bubble. As I slowly rot in my shed. You are not

going to slowly rot in a shed. Those are comforting words as we

approach Christmas. There is always someone worse off than yourself, as

the Queen often says. What did Ed Balls say about this? He got it

wrong, didn't he? He did. He got the opening phrases wrong. He said

the national deficit is not rising, is rising, is not falling. That was

the net against the government and they laughed at him. It is two

incompetence pointlessly shouting at each other with no power to

change anything. That is a summary. Well, at least they get on. They

are great mates in real life. Do you want to see them sharing a joke

on the Andrew Marr Show? LAUGHTER. What is the size of our national

debt? A trillion, isn't it? Yes, how many zeros is that? Eight. 15.

In between. Seven. 12. Would you like to see how the Daily Express

explained where all the readers -- where all the money goes. The use

this simple diagram. It is actually very similar budgetary analysist to

that which appeared in the previous day's Guardian. That is one in the

eye for the express its detractors, who say they haven't got a colour

photocopier. Average spend per household increased to �483.60 a

week, according to the Independent. �64 of that is spent on culture,

gambling, going to football matches and satellite TV. Who has been

trying to ingratiate themselves with the Exchequer this week?

Starbucks. Yes. They say they're going to pay some tax. It is

incredibly good of them. Yes. Consumers also shunned Starbucks

and now they have had a think and they are going to pay some tax.

They had one of those blinding moments of conscience, way you

thought I will lose money unless I give in. It is an ethical minefield

if you get things wrong. An ethical minefield? I thought... I thought

mine fields were unethical? No, it is increasingly difficult this

Christmas if you are meant to be good about things, not going to

Starbucks, not using Amazon or Google, what to do for Christmas.

So this year... Oh no I suggest a subscription to a popular

fortnightly magazine?? APPLAUSE I went to Starbucks to purchase

something and use the toilet. have to go places I never thought I

would go go to the toilet. Have you thought about having a toilet

fitted in your own home? There was no let-up for people on benefits

either. They are getting a 1% rise before inflation, so to the 2% cut.

But it sounds nice. Do you remember what was born said about people on

benefits at the party conference in October? The skivers, not the

drivers. It is better than what he said. He said, the unemployed will

not be able to sit around at home with the blind draw. How will any

comedy get written? The proper blinds, they have to be drawn.

Finally, what did David Cameron do on the doorstep of Downing Street

geer has all up this week? What he'd seen delivering his own milk?

What is that a euphemism for? did he do? He announced Christmas

was early this year, brought out the bunting, clicked his heels in

the air? He did bring out the bunting, in a way. He turned on the

Christmas lights. Lovely. In his own house.

Outside his own house, in his own private street surrounded by

security guards. Let's have a look. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

CROWD CHANTS. CHEERING. It is not the Olympic opening

ceremony all over again, is it? is not very encouraging fat our

energy policy, is it? But the entertainment did not end there.

Here are some people from the The X-Factor, going to sing Silent

Night. # Holy infant so tender and mild. #. # Sleeping Heavenly Peace,

sleep in Heavenly Peace #. They must be from a foreign country,

because I understood that Britain has got talent. It is one of the

most disgusting things I have ever seen. APPLAUSE. So, yes, this is

George Osborne's Autumn Statement, that the number of panels we have

available to negotiate this particular Creek has been revised

downwards to none. The Chancellor announced a plan to target super

rich tax evaders. If you want to go online to find out who the super-

rich tax avoiders are, just go to Googled and it is them! LAUGHTER.

Of course the more we are not the only country taking austerity

measures. According to the BBC News website, America will soon be

facing a fiscal cliff. Oh, lord, he hasn't brought out another

Christmas single, has he? Also this week, it was revealed that the

owner of a winning lottery ticket worth �64 million has not come

forward. The ticket was bought in Stevenage or Hitchin, so if you

were watching in either of those two towns, the numbers are five, 11,

22, 34, 40, and Lucky Star numbers nine and 11. Oh, one other thing,

the deadline to claim has passed. Soaped around two, the one-armed

bandit of news. -- soap to round two. Fingers on buzzers, here it is

It is a dog on a motorised scooter. If by that you mean this is the

news that dogs can drive... Yes. Then you are right. Yes, that is

what I said. Shall we have a look Has the RSPCA been informed? The

dog has clearly been stapled to the driving seat. When the see another

doctor passing by, will they have a tendency to sniff each other's

exhaust? Maybe that will solve the economy, if we swap with docks.

Make them work. They can work out the budget. We can have a crap in

the park and it is their problem. Clear up, mate. Fingers on buzzers,

Addis Tim Young on. -- Kim Jong-un. He has -- it is, yes. He has turned

into a unicorn. It is a peculiar ball at the back, it looks like a

tube inserted, where a jet of hot air keeps upping Borg -- ping pong

in place. It is the news that a unicorn lair has been discovered in

North Korea. This is according to the Korean Central News Agency. In

terms of reliability, the other Phillip Schofield of the Orient.

They say they have discovered a uniform -- a unicorn's lair. How do

they know it is the Unicorn's lair and not someone else's lair? Is it

a mare, or... How you spell it? air of Unicorn. It is a rectangular

rock with the words Unicorn's Blair standing in front of the lair. That

is how you know. It was labelled, clearly labelled. Apart from

inventing unicorns, what else is North Korea inventing? Weaponry.

Yes, it is planning to launch a scary new rocket. In the British

press it was reported very different league. The Independent

went with North Korea raises tension with a rocket. The

Telegraph had a North Korean rocket plan raises concern in China. The

Sun, will world end Bangnam Style? The man threatening the world with

nuclear Armageddon is, like his father, notoriously short, so here

we are, facing a Cuban heels I think this is Lord Leveson. There

was something in the report that came from Wikipedia, and they

hadn't checked the source. They had a completely fictitious person.

is quite embarrassing when you have done 200 million words about

checking the of fact and standards of Aquos is a -- accuracy, to quote

from Wikipedia and get it wrong. That is quite amusing. The guy was

only ever in Wikipedia because his friend put him in all sorts of

entries. His name was Brett Straub. And Lord Leveson cut and pasted

this into the report, so it is there. And so all the people who

have said, we have got to have led These are the three founders, there

is Brett Straub. This is the fall- out from the nervous and report. --

the Levison report. You would have thought that he would have learned

to be more thorough from his years as a detective in Chicago during

the prohibition era. At least, It is something to do with how

women can tell when men are unfaithful. According to a new

study, women can tell if a man has been unfaithful just by looking at

the shape of his face. Can you explain this rhomboid look,

Malcolm? So if they have been with someone they shouldn't be, they

come out and suddenly they have... Signs that a fellow could be prone

to cheating include classic masculine features, such as a white

angular jaw, a square chin and a prominent brow. If so, if you are a

man, then? Another study claims to have debunked a popular myth about

men and women this week. That they get on! According to the Telegraph,

men, despite their reputation for ogling, a far more likely to

concentrate on a woman's face. It is women who give their arrival's

bodies are good once-over. This has been scientifically proven by a

study, apparently women look at a man and look at their... Area. They

automatically look at it to see whether or not it will do the

business. Can you tell that through I met a bloke who had the square

jaw and looked all right, body image. I didn't have feel, but I

looked and felt reasonably confident that I was going to get

some exciting action. Janet, I'm reasonably confident! I was be

reasonably confident that the evening would end up with something

worth spending time with. Button mushroom. The least you had

Have we been recording so long, it has turned into Loose Women? Felix

Mercer Mos, a computer science PhD student, has suggested that women

Ogle women more than men do. At the end of this round, both teams have

Time now for the Odd One Out around. Bill Nighy, Jonathan Edwards, Lasha

Pataraya air and Wales. Jonathan Edwards is the odd one out because

he went to seek his fortune in London. The man on the bottom left

is pulling that truck with his ears. The whale hasn't got any years.

Bill Nighy's ears are wonky, that is why his glasses don't fit.

have all got to areas. One of them is a while! That does work. Can you

pick which one. The guy on the bottom left is the odd one out

because he has been given his own Channel 5 series where he pulls

things with his ears. Right answer, wrong reason. If a Channel 4

series! They have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their

ears apart from Lasha Pataraya who used his ear to toe and eight ton

truck. Here he is afterwards. Bill Nighy needed medical treatment for

his ears after using loo roll. He used makeshift earplugs to block

out the sound of a nightclub while staying in a hotel, and when he

were Cup, he could only find one. Scientists have discovered the

Wales can think decrease the sensitivity of their hearing to cut

the impact of loud noise. They react slower to a Japanese harpoon

this showboating, "There's one!" This is a party of people who have

stood on that prize specifically to spot whales, and the Wailers behind

them. It is fantastic. They are They are standing there going, this

is so boring. We are never going to see anything. Did you hear a

splash? They have all gone to explain --

extreme lengths to protect their ears apart from Lasha Pataraya who

used to want a pollock truck. He is waiting to hear from the Guinness

Book of Records. They are probably phoning him every day! According to

the Daily Star, during the London Olympics, Jonathan Edwards used

condoms as earplugs to drown out noisy neighbours. When the story

came out, he was teased mercilessly, much to the amusement of his fellow

Olympians. He was ribbed for their There is no sensible reason for

sticking condoms in your ears unless you are trying to prevent

the spread of hearing aids. Time now for the Missing Words round. It

features as this week's guest publication, Badger News. It's a

Hungry, cold and Paris to double by chair. What about the Scouts?

is an item in Badger News, the same article goes on to describe a

second incident. Another surprised patient for the hospital was an

injured badger hit by car being No wonder there is so much bloody

I have seen this run on a toilet wall - press one for pleasure, but

that is just Scottish services for you. Is this the National Health

Service? It a hotline set up for the growing demand of exorcism. If

you're a parent worrying if your child is possessed by a demon,

there is a simple way of finding out. They are not. Next, the Pope

takes... What? To Twitter. anybody is in a position to tweed

the name of a paedophile, it is him. Next, what... Say sorry to Dr Roger

Munt? His parents! It is a badger one. The answer is BMX lads. This

is a report from Badger News of BMX riders disturbing badgers. The boys

apologised for the crude, abusive word they shouted at him, which

Next, lights out and I'm or... Of what? Faced with a button mushroom!

Lights out, and I'm all yours. Next, BBC what was both shallow and

amateurish? Coverage of non- BBC item on badgers. This is an

item from BBC One's Country File. It was addressed to Mark Thomson,

so only three Director Generals ago! And finally, Nigella Lawson's:

I just... What? She said she loses weight by running a treadmill in

her house with headphones on. said, I ran in just my bra and

trainers. So, coming soon, an exercise DVD that both mums and

dads can enjoy. So, the final scores are them. Ian and Susan have

five points, but Paul and Janet On which note, we say thank you to

our panellists, Ian Hislop and Susan Calman, Paul Merton and Janet

Street-Porter. And I leave you with news that in Tirana, Albania's

In Athens, despite the bank refusing to let her withdraw her

savings, one Greek pensioner just With a new baby set to trouble the

Royal finances, the Queen prepares to meet her subjects from the

balcony of the new Buckingham Palace. In Mumbai, it's revealed

that David Cameron personally approved the budget for Boris