Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

I would like to know why at the age of 90, I have to sign a piece of

paper in order to be on this show APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack

Whitehall. In the news this week, after receiving the long awaited

Leveson Report, David Cameron takes action.

LAUGHTER At a casting session for The Magic

Roundabout Musical, Nigel Havers really nails his audition for the

part of Zebedee. LAUGHTER

And at River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted

coming home from John Lewis with a brand-new meat cleaver.

Scream SCREAMING

Ian is a member of the House of Lords and the oldest guest we have

had on this show, it would be ungalant to tell me her ladyship's

age, she was born before this this programme started and before BBC

One started and before television started, please welcome Baroness

Trumpington. APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a familiar face from The Apprentice who as a PR man

spent 21 years with Alan Sugar At Amstrad and he is still working

unlike most Amstrads. How could you? I know.

We start start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian, Baroness

Trumpington, take a look at that? That's Hugh Grant and come ron on

to the -- Cameron on the phone to Rebecca. That's Nick Clegg bringing

in the tea for the Cabinet and that's a bad re-enactment. What

side are you on this, if any? listening to you. That's the

correct side. LAUGHTER

You see they are not all bad, the House of Lords.

Ian, would you care to summarise the Leveson Report? Yes, there are

four volumes of it and a summary. We have actually got them here.

summary is, that you know, the press behaved abysmally. He is

slightly kinder to the police who behaved quite abysmally and the

politicians didn't behave that abysmally. My view is they all did.

You think a free press is a good idea? Yes, I think a free press is

a good idea. Does that include telephone

listening in? What I am in favour of is a free press that obeys the

law and there is a law against all the things that came up in the

report, telephone hacking, bribery, are covered by the law. They

weren't enforced by the police because they were in the pocket of

the press, who are in the pocket of the politicians in fact by Mr

Cameron himself. So I think... Steady. I know.

LAUGHTER You did say you were listening to

me, so I thought I would give it a wang really.

How much did this cost you? �250. This is yours. Would you like that

for Christmas? Yeah, I will have it, yeah.

Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades of Grey. Oh, you have already got it.

How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?

Leave it Leveson! What did Lord Justice Leveson do after the press

conference? Well, he ordered a bottle of whisky and said I wasted

14 months of my life. He flew out to Australia.

Did you see Pierce Morgan's response on Twitter? Yes.

You did! I did look up the bit about Pierce

Morgan in that report. I know it is 700,000 million words, but the four

or five about Piers are worth a look.

Can you remember what they were? Lord Leveson didn't find his

description of phone hacking and how he had never done any entirely

convincing. That's all I'm going to say. Read it for your selves.

The Conservatives don't want want statutory regulation.

Come this side instead of talking satellite. What did he Twitter then,

sor sni? Story? Taxi for at hacked off Hugh.

My response would be police car for Pi rerks Pi ers. Big angry cell-

mate who misses his wife for Piers. He would have to miss her an awful

lot. What evidence is there for the

public losing interest in the hole thing that's linked to Hugh Grant?

They haven't lost interest, have they? Last night his documentary

Taking on the Tabloids Was only viewed by over 500 vow viewers.

Countdown gets more than that. I think they are interested,

perhaps it is just me. Are you interested? Are you still

interested? AUDIENCE: Yes.

And the Hugh Grant thing, did you back that campaign? I think

anything that keeps Hugh Grant away from acting! This is the long

awaited release of the Leveson Report. Which called for outside

regulation to make sure the press regulate themselves. Despite having

read the exchange of personal texts between David Cameron and and

Rebecca Brookes Lord Leveson described the relationship.

From now on hacks will be known as... (BLEEP) My daughter-in-law

taught him at school. She said he was a very naughty boy. Really?

he fiddled in the the margins. What? Was that a pub? Paul and Nick

take a look at this. This is the new governor of the

Bank of England. He is a Canadian. I don't know his name. This is

Canada in 1948. Maple syrup to to indicate we are in Canada. It is a

bit odd that we can't find somebody to run the bank and we have to go

to Canada, but it is the same in football, they are all foreigners.

Is there nobody worth a damn here anymore, Jack? Is it not a good

idea having a foreigner running our banking system? Has he got our

interests at heart? Working for the Canadians. Where is over the border

from Canada? Mexico. Canada survived best out of this recession.

They decided why can't we get someone in? We can't do it, let's

get in a Canadian. Let's look at Mark Carney. The

press said he bears a likeness to George Clooney. Let's look at him

again. I mean, I look more like George Clooney than him. Nick looks

more like George Clooney than him. The baroness looks more like George

Clooney than him. Would you like to see George Alagiah asking a

question. What is he got that no one in

Britain has got? LAUGHTER

And what about money, how much is Mark Carney getting paid? �600,000.

He can top it downstairs. He comes in in the morning, a thin

bloke. Goes home at night a fat bloke.

Harry Redknapp has become a manager of a football club and he is being

paid �3 million a year which after tax is �3 million a year!

LAUGHTER Have you got a question about a

major perk. Is that a man? I don't know. Is he a friend of General

Commotion or Corporal Punishment. And Private Matter. According to

the Independent there is one major perk that comes with being governor

of the Bank of England. What is it? You are allowed to take whatever

sticks to your hand you can take home! The answer is the impressive

en suite thunderbox in the governor agency parlour -- gof -- governor's

parlour. Oh, you are referring to Fat Pang.

This is Lord Patten and he thought they were they were asking too many

questions about the BBC and he said, "Next, you will be wanting to know

about my toilet habits." I was at Wembley and I was handling a speech

and I looked around and I said said, "Has anybody got a stapler. "he

said I will get one and he rushed off and came back.

But what of his toilet habits? He he doesn't use a stapler for that.

Have you got two Tories on the panel tonight.

I am Labour. So you were just at a Tory shindig?

LAUGHTER Next time he talks I will make a

part noise. -- fart noise.

Can I go home now? Can I come with you? Banking is a bit dry. Would we

like to cheer ourselves up by watching Boris do the the mobot?

Do the mobot. LAUGHTER

Did he know he was going filmed? That could be your next leader.

LAUGHTER The mobot was a craze, but you have

started the vbot. I have to tell you that that noble lord and I have

been friends for many, many years. This is Lord King. You denied that

you flicked him the Vs. It is rather catching.

LAUGHTER Did you regret swearing at him?

because I regretted what he said which was that people of my age

were starting to look very, very, very old. Well, wouldn't you do

that? LAUGHTER

Oh lord. This is the news that the ka

Canadian Mark Carney is to become the first foreigner to run the Bank

of England. Yeah, tell that to UKIP. LAUGHTER

According to the Times he has has negotiated a salary of �64,000, but

-- �624,000, but if he screw it is up, he will get more more under the

Entwistle clause. Here is another one for you.

UKIP. Farrage because he is the only one. No, lots of them. Look at

him, he is so glum. This is the news, well, it is happening now now.

So when you see this, you will know. You can ip will have -- UKIP will

have won a seat. The Conservative Party will have formed a coalition

with UKIP. I I hope not!

LAUGHTER Frankly, I think it is the most

horrible set-up. What UKIP? Yes. Right.

That's it. LAUGHTER

Well, that's that then. Yeah. This is the row over foster

children. Oh, that was disgraceful. How did Nigel Farage describe the

decision by Rotherham social services? Baffling.

Correct. Baffling.

LAUGHTER He

He was

He was actually

He was actually right

He was actually right for a change though. The reason given by

Rotherham council for taking the Eastern European children away?

That the foster parents were members of UKIP.

The foster mum claimed we don't know or care about the immigration

policy, we just agree that we should get out of the EU.

To say that UKIP people can't do it seems amazing. Put them back in

care, that's worked well. Oh no, it hasn't.

Is the idea that they will be brought up as as racists to hate

themselves. Is that the fear? That they will wake-up in the morning

and punch themselves in the face. Ian's parents were in the

grateful... UKIP were outraged, but how did David Cameron describe them

in 2006? Fruit cakes and loonies. Fruit cakes and loonies and closet

racists. I like this phrase closet racist.

He has come out as a racist, he done know if he is a racist or not,

Why is this a bad time for Cameron and the tourist agonise UKIP?

Because UKIP are getting a lot of roads, the country as Euro-sceptic

and a lot of Tories are threatening to desert. Not a lot. A OK, hardly

ever. There was someone in your party suggested there should be a

coalition between UKIP and the Conservatives. You talk of Michael

fabric -- a talk of Michael Fabricated-hair. Here is a picture

of Michael Fabricated-hair. Michael Fabricant suggested a packed with

UKIP so they would not stand against the Conservatives. We got

It is not come we're just making jokes about your appearance.

LAUGHTER. It's probably going to be set up home, pulling up someone

else's head. -- pulling out someone else's hair. What do they spend a

lot of money on at the EU? Meetings. Pastries. It is wind. They were

serving Bordeaux at �121 a bottle at the EU summit dinner. Cameron

walked out and 80 has done elsewhere. He was not going to be

drinking any of that cheap plonk. Although according to the Sun, he

nipped back later for the cold meats and cheeses. Paul and Nick,

another for you. OK, the clip from George Melies' A Trip to the Moon,

but is a nuclear explosion. There was some story that during the cold

war the Americans debated whether to blow up the moon with nuclear

weapons. I don't know what they thought the point would be. Hans

Blix had told them the Clangers had weapons of mass destruction. The

little boy was the Bombay dropped on Hiroshima, so they were looking

at something bigger. It was called a fat man. Would you like to see a

picture of a fat man? Yes. thought we were going to show you

something like this. No. It is Eric Pickles. He is a member of the

Cabinet. Have you ever heard of him? Yes, and certainly have. I did

not realise he was that large. LAUGHTER. What was the reason they

wanted to do this? It was posturing. The Russians had launched Sputnik,

so they wanted to make a statement and surprise the Russians by

blowing up the moon. Sanity prevailed. There were doubts over

what effect the moon blast could have on us, including tidal

patterns. Talking of which, floods in this country have got serious

because of celebrity has been affected. Which celebrity? What is

there initials? P D. Her is it P Diddy. Paul Daniels. Paul Daniels.

He lives by the River Thames. the little island. Paul Daniels

said he was furious with the council and his house was under two

feet of flooding. He has been flooded every year for years and he

keeps moaning about it. Get a Sandbach, for God's sake. If you

live next to the River Thames and complaining about flooding, it's

like moving into -- next door to Ryan Giggs and complaining when he

bangs your wife. You surely knew when you moved into the area. This

is America's planned to blow up the moon. The plan to fire nuclear

missile that the moon was codenamed Project A 119, although later it

was a way of connecting heart that at Stevenage. That is the actual

road. On birds, the UK was again hit by widespread flooding. One of

the people affected was magician Paul Daniels. He was stranded in

his house. The emergency services said despite frantic efforts they

were running out of excuses not to rescue him. So to round two, the

picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams. This is the pigeon

they found in a chimney. This is a coat, it had a code on its leg

which they could not decipher. They have deciphered it, it says, help,

I'm trapped in this Jimmy. called experts at GCHQ have failed

to crack a message attached to a World War II carrier pigeon's

skeleton, asking the public for their help. It would be. It would

be greater if we had something working as a code-breaker in the

war. Surely it should not be too hard, enigma. Here is a picture of

the bird's food with the canister. Sorry, that is Yasser Arafat.

journey home. LAUGHTER. Would you like the show to go out as a

tribute? I want JLS at my funeral. Is that some Palestinian group we

haven't heard of? The message including 2,700 and box of five

letters. Do you know what it says? No. This is the World War to code

found attached to the Leader of the dead pigeon, which experts have

failed to decipher apart from the words of Dastardly and Muttley.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. He looks like he needs a good bra. LAUGHTER.

There was a spoof article in the States saying he was the most sexy,

charming, wasn't he gorgeous. Chinese The People's Daily printed

this as though it was absolutely true. Their suspicions were not

aroused by the previous winners, which accrued it Assad of Syria --

which included Assad of Syria and Piers Morgan. I have made that bit

up. I have the description they That is fair. Who wants this last

After eight mint? I'm having it. China's state run paper, The

People's Daily, has fallen for The Onion's online spoof naming Kim

Jong-un as the sexiest man alive. Fingers on buzzers, teams. We say

it is Andrew Marr. It is Andrew Marr. I know, the naturists of

Great Britain complained he was distorting history by showing

people from thousands of years ago walking around wearing clothes,

when they wore no clothes at all. It is more corruption at the BBC.

It is six exactly that, a cover-up. It has been brought up by the

British naturism. They say apparently the Australian

Aborigines did not wear loin cloths. The Caribbean tried did not wear

shorts and dresses. Early tribes in Africa did not wear bikinis. Why do

they always play ping-pong -- ping- pong? Who? Naturalists. It is quite

a softball, if an accident were to occur. I'd rather be hit in the

balls with a ping-pong ball, and... My little grandson, he has a list.

He said I've been kicked in the cream crackers. I thought it was

sweet. He then said, somebody kicked me in the peanuts. Should we

not be concerned about who is assaulting him on a regular basis?

What excuse to the BBC give for the cover-up? You can't trust a naked

woman with Andrew Marr. According to the Telegraph, it had been

obliged to compromise accuracy to take into account the sensitivities

of the audience. Yes, this is the latest BBC scandal, this time over

full-frontal nudity and their failure to show it to a peak-time

family audience on BBC One. In the BBC's defence, it is impossible to

know whether people from ancient civilisations would have worn

clothes. And lest anyone can remember. Perhaps they have very

long beards. LAUGHTER. It was also revealed this week that a

contestant on Countdown was taught by Channel Four to cover up its

offensive chest hair. It was so distracting that he was almost

forgot to look down Rachel Riley's top. The thing is I am opposite her.

It is difficult not to appear to be staring. It really is difficult.

She probably thinks I'm a pervert, which are not. No, it is

professional interest. You have definitely done a good deal to

dispel that by saying that. I am very proud of it and I am

contemplating another contract. Don't spoil it, Jack. I'm not going

to. I love Countdown. Nobody likes me -- likes it, he told me. I find

it weird when you call me Daddy. think it is charming. Your father

is one of the most amusing men I have ever met. I hope he is

watching this, in a strange sort of way. What do you mean, with his

head in a bucket? Time for the missing words round, which this

week features as a guest publication the newsletter of

Ophthalmic Antiques. We start with, oh, how I would love to what?

inside. You were the smoker? I am. When did you give up? About 102.

What do you do now after sex? did I what? LAUGHTER. Cigars.

Cigars. LAUGHTER. Oh, how I would love to polish the silver case

number 21.073 and the spectacles and it. What were the chances of us

getting that right? Next, binge drink, conk out and pushing up

daisies what? It is Baroness Trumpington's list of things to do.

It is exactly what it is. Binge drink, conk out and push up daisies

are terms to be got from the trenches. Next, what do to school

former Scots? Stupid mascots. answer is Japanese students go to

school from Scots. For God's sake. This is a new mass got school in

Japan. Most football teams these days have a mascot, Sunderland have

this. It is a black cat come at least I think that is what John

Terry called it. And finally, Elton John's prescription in the late

1970s was... Slightly stronger in the left than the right eye? I hope

that is right, it is the most boring answer we have ever had.

answer is about 3.5 degrees with a degree of public astigmatism. The

final scores are Ian and Baroness Trumpington have six points, but

Paul and Nick have eight points. Before we go, there is just time

for the caption competition. Say something. Man has sex with an

elephant using telephone box as a condom. Is it a trunk call?

APPLAUSE. I leave a week -- I leave you with news there is

embarrassment on his first day of work as the new Archbishop of

Canterbury locks himself out. High above the streets of London after

suffering a breakdown, stressed out Dale Winton is gently coaxed back