Episode 6 Have I Got News for You


Episode 6

Popular news quiz, with team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, guest host Sir Roger Moore and guest panellists Marcus Brigstocke and Rachel Johnson.


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Transcript


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Hello, the name's Moore - Roger Moore - and tonight I come up against another evil mastermind.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Roger Moore. In the news this week...

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After pledging to take the BBC in the right direction,

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the new director-general makes his way home.

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After his defeat in the police commissioner elections,

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there is evidence that John Prescott is in despair.

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And as luck would have it, a camera is on hand

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to film my arrival at the back door of the studio.

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With Ian tonight is a journalist and author who has a new book out.

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Presumably that's why she's appearing on the show.

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It's the only reason I'm here.

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APPLAUSE

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Please welcome Rachel Johnson.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul is a stand-up comedian

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who has also performed in beat-boxing battles

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with Shlomo and Bellatrix.

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I've no idea what I've just said.

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But there again, I'm a consummate actor.

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Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Rachel, take a look at this.

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-That's women bishops.

-Yes, it's welcome to Have I Got Pews For You.

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GROANING

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We must have had that joke before, Ian.

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No, and there's a reason for that.

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No, no. There's the outgoing Robert Runcie

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hugging what could be a...

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I think it's Rowan Williams, actually.

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Oh, it was Rowan Williams, wasn't it? Did I say Runcie?

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Yeah, he's dead, but in a real sense he's still with us.

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I think everyone was a bit startled... Shaken and stirred.

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Shaken and stirred?

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I was thinking of covering the Israel-Gaza crisis.

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No, we're on the women bishops.

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Yeah, well, I reckoned a women bishop's story would keep it light.

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It just shows you how wrong I can be, doesn't it?

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I know you're a Christian, Ian. Would you have voted for women bishops?

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Well, now, really, in this country you can't go around throwing

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-that sort of accusation at people.

-You are openly Christian.

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I'm a member of the Church of England, which is very, very different.

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Is it? Well, it is now.

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They're going to do what the C of E does,

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"We're going to take our time, "we're going to pray for each other,

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"we're going to bitch about each other really badly in private

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"and then in another hundred years we'll have another vote."

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But it was stymied by the laity.

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Whatever that means.

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-Right, whatever it means, it's happening.

-Who are the laity?

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I don't know, but they specialise in stymieing.

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Do you think it would help if Eve said sorry about that whole apple thing?

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Cos I can't help but feel that really ever since then

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it's been difficult, you know?

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You do one thing like that and everyone's like for ever.

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I mean, literally for ever.

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And I just think if she stepped up and said,

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"I'm terribly sorry - it just looked delicious.

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"And anyway, the snake did it. Or someone at Newsnight," and...

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So how did the papers cover this story?

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The Times front page had...

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The Independent said...

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And the Sun's front page screamed...

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We've got another headline here...

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What's that all about?

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She's been asked to leave I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

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But it is quite important because it's the first Tory win on any vote.

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Yes. Yes!

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Incidentally, where did the new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, go to school?

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Eton.

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Do you wish you'd been able to go to Eton like your brothers?

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Yes, I think I would. Where were you at school, Roger?

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-I never went to school.

-Really?

-Cold showers and sodomy. Oh, yes.

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-Never did Boris any harm, did it?

-Never did me any harm.

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And finally, how did the Pope surprise everyone this week?

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He jumped out of a wedding cake.

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He forgave Jimmy Savile.

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GROANING

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He's published a book.

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He actually declared that the entire Christian calendar

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is based on a miscalculation. Any idea whose fault it was?

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I think it's the publisher's fault.

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He's probably coming on this show next week like you just to plug it.

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He was Dennis the Small.

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Sounds like a Bond villain,

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like Herve Villechaize, you know, who was very small.

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-Very small.

-Yeah.

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-He was...quite oversexed.

-How do you know?

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-The Pope?!

-No!

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We were making Man With The Golden Gun,

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he would go to the girly clubs with a flashlight

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-in Hong Kong and Bangkok.

-And a stepladder.

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And he would say, "you, you, you -

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"not you - you, you, you,"

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and then I said, when we were leaving Bangkok,

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"How many women have you actually,

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"sort of, done things with since you've been here?"

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He said, "54."

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I said, "But that doesn't count because you paid," he says,

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"Oh, yes, it does, because even when I pay, sometimes they refuse!"

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Do you know,

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sometimes I think it's better not to know the behind-the-scenes stories.

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This is the vote against women bishops

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seen as a test for the new Archbishop of Canterbury.

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One commentator said,

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"These days an Archbishop needs the patience of a saint."

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THE SAINT THEME PLAYS

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Oh, wonderful!

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My life is now complete! Fantastic.

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It's quite easy to get that up there.

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You squeeze together and...

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Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.

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Yes, OK, this is obviously a chimpanzee roller-skating

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and may be the same one driving a car and this is the...

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They're re-doing celebrity stories on BBC Four and that's Groucho Marx.

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-No, it's monkeys having a mid-life crisis.

-Absolutely.

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RACHEL: How do they know the chimps are happy?

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-That's what I don't understand.

-Oh, they ask them.

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One of the study's authors pointed out...

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They want to roger more.

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APPLAUSE RACHEL: Very good.

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I always thought it was funny that your real name

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was like one of those terrible Bond names.

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It never occurred to me until you mentioned it.

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It actually said, Roger, that middle-aged men are very unhappy

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but when you get older you get happy again.

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-Is that true?

-That's bollocks.

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-It is wisdom you get as you get older, isn't it?

-Yes, certainly.

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And timing.

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This is the news that monkeys suffer

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from their own form of mid-life crisis.

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This news comes at the same time as the government has released

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its first annual well-being index.

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According to the Daily Mail...

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For what it is worth, we're pretty happy in Monaco.

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Here's another one for you.

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Yes. That's the police, all of them.

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This is the election speech. He looks happy, he's just lost.

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-Oh, look.

-There's an empty ballot box.

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That's the tumbleweed rolling past the polling station, did you see that?

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MARCUS: Either that or a very fat hedgehog.

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-This was the...

-It was the police commissioner. PCC.

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It was this election and it was a disastrous turn-out. 15%.

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But there was one polling station in Wales where there were no votes,

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which is only significant because it means the three candidates

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couldn't be bothered to vote for themselves.

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Some people turned up to spoil their ballot papers.

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Now, here's my favourite.

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How did the Home Secretary, Theresa May,

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react to the disappointing voter turn-out?

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-What vote?

-She said...

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Four years' time?! I wouldn't worry about it, darling.

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Is that the way for Bond to address the Home Secretary?

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-Technically she's your boss!

-I've retired.

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-Who had a great election day?

-UKIP?

-The Labour Party.

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-They won everything.

-There's a new Mayor of Bristol.

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-No, it was UKIP.

-That's what...? I said that as well!

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Yeah, but don't worry, it doesn't matter.

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-It's not like Mastermind, is it?

-No, the right answer is not a problem.

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-OK. Even if you give it?

-No.

-Nobody notices?

-No.

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That's cos you're a woman!

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Staying with the police, did you hear the story of the man

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who has been charged with an unusual offence involving a police horse?

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Yes - he gave the horse a bun or a bit of bread or something to eat?

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-A sausage roll.

-A sausage roll, that was it.

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According to the police, when he was asked not to do so, the man...

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Surely it doesn't need to go to court.

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A swift kick in the Ginsters would do.

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-Here's another for you.

-A very depressed-looking chimp.

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Oh, yes - this is Andy Coulson

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and there's Rebekah Brooks with her husband, there.

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Oh, this is the green book.

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Police have done well to get that evidence, haven't they?

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The green book, I think, in this case, is a book that carries

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the, sort of, personal numbers of the royal family, mobile phones

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and all that kind of stuff and he's charged with paying a public servant

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a lot of money in order to get access to this book, I believe.

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That's what it's about, that's what he's been charged with, isn't it?

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-Coulson? Yes.

-We can't really say anything about this story

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cos it's contempt of court. They've just been charged.

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Oh, go on - say something, Ian.

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You can't get unlucky again, surely.

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What else are News Corporation employees alleged to have paid for?

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It's the photograph of Saddam Hussein in his underpants.

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-RACHEL: Are we going to see it?

-Oh...

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Can I ask that we don't?

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Anyway, all this is happening as Lord Leveson is about to deliver his report.

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What did the Daily Mail uncover about the people

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who are advising the Leveson Enquiry?

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It says here that Ian will explain.

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RACHEL: Ian?

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The Daily Mail decided, for reasons I think entirely known to them,

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to spend about 12 pages of their morning paper

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explaining this sinister group called Common Purpose

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who train people in the public sector

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and they managed to prove that nearly everybody

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who's ever had a job was trained by Common Purpose.

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-It was just cobblers.

-What?! In the Mail(?)

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I'm going to go and work for the Mail, Ian, so I'm glad you can...

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You may say that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

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Don't work for the Mail. No, it's awful.

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Is there any connection between the "Mail" and The Lady?

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APPLAUSE

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Those sort of things can't be coincidence.

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These are the latest criminal charges to be brought against

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David Cameron's close personal friends, Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.

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Brooks faces allegations that The Sun paid retainers

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totalling £100,000 for stories to an MoD official, Bettina Barber.

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Now, this is the first time we've heard of Bettina Barber.

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Still, The Telegraph found this photo.

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The Times did the same, as did The Independent

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while the Guardian reporter...

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-Did they ever hack your phone?

-I don't have a phone.

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Did they ever hack your pigeon?

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So at the end of that round, four points each.

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RACHEL: I'm sure we'll win, though.

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Now, just wait a second. I have to write something.

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-GUNSHOT

-Urgh!

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I'm terribly sorry about that.

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Now you mustn't get up for the next hour otherwise it spoils the joke.

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Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Marcus.

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Wills and Kate, Winston Churchill, Sean Connery and Nero's mother.

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Sean Connery, amongst his many jobs,

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he was a male model, I think, at one point.

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-Yes, he was very good-looking, wasn't he?

-Yes, extremely good-looking.

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MARCUS: Very, very good-looking.

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Nero's mother was called Agrippina.

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MARCUS: That's a venereal disease, I think.

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Well, I'm sure there was quite a lot of that in the family, too.

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He tried to kill his mother.

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He tried to scupper the boat she was on so that it would sink.

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Is this in the notes at all?

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-Yes, this is absolutely true.

-Oh, right.

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Well, this is the stuff I know, the stuff that's really topical -

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about a couple of thousand years old.

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They've all had a car that was specially adapted

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apart from Nero's mother who had a boat modified for her by Nero

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so it would sink.

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There was a big family problem.

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They were on Jeremy Kyle, weren't they?

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"Stop speaking Latin, stop speaking Latin!"

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The Land Rover modified for Winston Churchill

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has just been sold for £129,000.

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Does anybody know what was special about it?

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A special contraption to light cigars? An ejector seat! It must be an ejector seat.

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That's why you're here, you're on the show, you press a button...

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No, no, no. Churchill had the passenger seat of his Land Rover widened.

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Would that affect Mr Churchill's car insurance?

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Oh, yes.

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-Do you want to get Martin Clunes back?

-Oh, yes.

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-Oh, yes.

-Oh, no.

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That's Alan Bennett!

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-Sean Connery.

-Yes. He was good.

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Best warm-up man I've ever seen.

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Do we think Sean is a good actor?

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He's terrific. He's managed to convince everyone

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he's in favour of an independent Scotland whilst living in Spain.

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-It's magnificent.

-But he's not as good as this man.

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Hello!

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-Oh, hi, Dad.

-Hello.

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And actually goodbye.

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THEY SPEAK IN GREEK

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Oh, no, Dad - I'm in a hurry. I'll be back, I promise.

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But why don't you just stay a bit?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I am so happy.

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I am so happy to have seen that

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because it proves that I am not the worst actor in the world.

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-Tell me there's a new series starting called Big Shot.

-Um...

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That... That is a...

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RACHEL: You've got a lot of explaining to do.

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It's a Greek television series,

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it's an adaptation of a novel written by my wife...

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Who did you sleep with to get that job?

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It wasn't a huge budget

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and they paid for some other proper actors and they needed

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someone to play an Englishman who wasn't very good at Greek.

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They could have got Telly Savalas.

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Did they offer you the job of Finance Minister while you were there?

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They're finding that job very difficult to fill.

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There's a new one out called The Thread.

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RACHEL: Look, everyone else is promoting other people's books...

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I've a new book out called Bond On Bond.

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Ian and Rachel, George Bush junior and George Bush senior,

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Frederick Humphries, quadruplets in Shenzhen and Patrick McGoohan.

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This is about numbers. Now, the Bushes are the 41st

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and 43rd Presidents of the United States.

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-Those are the four quadruplets.

-They've got numbers.

-On their heads.

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Have they?

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Doesn't the mother have to shave the numbers into their heads

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so she knows which one is which?

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He's Agent Shirtless.

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He's the FBI agent in the General Petraeus case

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who sent pictures of himself without his shirt on.

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-But he's got a number. I don't know what it is.

-She's got his number.

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Agent Shirtless is the odd one out

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because he's the only one who doesn't have a number.

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-Ah. Yeah, I think that's right.

-Thank you, Paul.

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Roger, is that right?

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I haven't got a clue.

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Can we have an independent enquiry?

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Preferably led by a retired judge?

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-Your points have come up so it must be right.

-Yes, that's right.

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George Bush junior and George Bush senior refer to each other

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as number 41 and 43 respectively. Why?

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-Because that's their IQ.

-No.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's the order, 41 and 43, in which they became president.

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Bill Clinton is number 42, sandwiched between two Bushes.

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A Chinese woman got a barber to shave numbers

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on to the heads of her quadruplets. Explaining why, she said...

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Racist!

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Let's have a look.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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That's also how the father remembers his PIN number.

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It is time now for the gun barrel of news.

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JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS

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Buzz in when you know what the story is.

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BUZZ

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That is a picture of the last typewriter made in Britain.

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-Absolutely correct.

-Absolutely.

-RACHEL: Well done, Paul.

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APPLAUSE

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Do you use one rather than e-mail, Roger?

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Are you still hammering away at the keys?

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Well, I don't hammer. I just dictate.

0:20:230:20:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:270:20:30

-To Moneypenny.

-Of course.

0:20:310:20:34

Yes, I have a Moneypenny in my life.

0:20:340:20:36

I have a lot of loose change, too.

0:20:360:20:39

You could always drop some of it to the taxman if you fancied it.

0:20:420:20:47

All right.

0:20:470:20:49

Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:20:510:20:54

DING RACHEL: I think I buzzed.

0:20:550:20:57

-Yes, it's you.

-So I answer the question?

0:20:570:21:01

I was... I was fast asleep.

0:21:010:21:04

This is to do with the 65th anniversary

0:21:060:21:08

of the Duke of Edinburgh and Her Majesty the Queen,

0:21:080:21:12

which they celebrated by going to the Royal Variety Performance

0:21:120:21:16

and watching a dog called Pudsey dance to a selection of Bond tunes.

0:21:160:21:22

-What a brilliant evening's entertainment.

-I can't imagine.

0:21:220:21:25

Apparently, the Duke of Edinburgh had to also go through

0:21:250:21:28

the Girls Aloud, Gary Barlow full experience and apparently

0:21:280:21:31

he told them afterwards, "It's all right - we're both stone deaf." Didn't he?

0:21:310:21:35

They've been married for 65 years. Amazing.

0:21:370:21:40

-What is that - blue Sapphire?

-Blue Sapphire.

0:21:400:21:43

-Sounds like a Bond villain, doesn't it?

-Sounds like a porn name.

0:21:430:21:47

-Sorry, I shouldn't say that in front of a Christian like you.

-Yeah.

0:21:470:21:50

No, no - C of E, a very broad church.

0:21:500:21:53

That's another porn name - Broad Church.

0:21:530:21:55

What myth about Prince Charles was dispelled this week?

0:21:580:22:02

He prefers grapes to cucumber.

0:22:020:22:04

No...

0:22:070:22:08

"I wanted parboiled, you moron!"

0:22:160:22:18

"This one doesn't even have a little face on it! Wanker!"

0:22:200:22:23

"You can shove that back up the chicken!"

0:22:260:22:29

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:22:290:22:31

BUZZ

0:22:350:22:36

MARCUS: This is Sally Bercow.

0:22:360:22:39

She libelled Lord McAlpine by doing a, sort of, furtive tweet

0:22:390:22:43

pretending she didn't know why anybody was talking about him

0:22:430:22:47

and in telling you that I have now also libelled Lord McAlpine so...

0:22:470:22:52

And I've done it again by saying that I've just libelled Lord McAlpine.

0:22:520:22:57

This is why you shouldn't say something twice.

0:22:570:22:59

It just racks the bill up. It doubles it up.

0:22:590:23:01

-Every time you say Lord McAlpine, it goes up.

-Higher, higher.

0:23:010:23:04

She's essentially got Twitter diarrhoea,

0:23:040:23:08

which a lot of people have out there.

0:23:080:23:10

MARCUS: She's got the twits.

0:23:100:23:14

-She said you need a law degree to be on Twitter nowadays.

-No, you don't.

0:23:140:23:18

It's very, very simple. You just don't repeat libellous comments

0:23:180:23:21

if you don't know they're true or not.

0:23:210:23:23

-MARCUS: Says Ian Hislop.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:23:230:23:26

Who has, in fact, got some experience.

0:23:270:23:30

And if I do, I expect to be prosecuted for it.

0:23:310:23:34

And you should be able to defend yourself.

0:23:340:23:37

I'm all for you can say the stuff but you can't complain.

0:23:370:23:40

Publish and be damned but not publish and go, "Ooh - gulps!"

0:23:400:23:45

-That's not the quote.

-Do innocent face.

0:23:450:23:49

Time now for the Missing Words round,

0:23:500:23:53

which this week features as its guest publication

0:23:530:23:56

the knitting patterns of Patons And Baldwins Ltd.

0:23:560:24:00

That's me.

0:24:000:24:02

Is it you on the right?

0:24:020:24:05

And we start with...

0:24:060:24:08

"Fully inflated."

0:24:120:24:13

This is not the Edward Heath who ran the country,

0:24:180:24:22

but the Edward Heath who built a model of Buckingham Palace and set light to it.

0:24:220:24:28

Is that treason?

0:24:280:24:30

Next...

0:24:300:24:31

"Tempted to count chickens before they are hatched."

0:24:340:24:37

Is it "Chancellor of the Exchequer?"

0:24:380:24:40

"Running up a tab at Morrisons."

0:24:420:24:44

No, the answer is...

0:24:440:24:46

Next...

0:24:500:24:51

"South America."

0:24:540:24:56

"Leather wallet."

0:24:570:24:59

It says up there illegal immigrant

0:25:020:25:04

but I shouldn't read that out because it's your go.

0:25:040:25:06

MARCUS: Let's say illegal immigrant,

0:25:060:25:09

or you can, now that you're writing for the Mail.

0:25:090:25:12

Say it over and over and over again.

0:25:120:25:14

APPLAUSE

0:25:140:25:16

Illegal immigrant.

0:25:180:25:21

Next...

0:25:210:25:22

MARCUS: "Knitting. A parachute."

0:25:270:25:30

"I am not landing in Luton. Seriously, have you seen it?"

0:25:300:25:34

-RACHEL: "I'm on the plane."

-No.

-"I'm on the piss."

0:25:360:25:39

No.

0:25:390:25:41

As I am.

0:25:440:25:45

And finally...

0:25:500:25:52

"To Mr Knit of Knit Towers, Knittingham."

0:25:560:25:59

Is it "the knitting ombudsman"?

0:26:010:26:04

MARCUS: "Ofknit?"

0:26:040:26:06

The answer is...

0:26:110:26:12

Though don't expect a prompt reply.

0:26:190:26:21

I'm still waiting for my Swinging '60s Willy-Warmer.

0:26:210:26:26

So the final scores are Ian and Rachel, 8,

0:26:280:26:33

Paul and Marcus have 7.

0:26:330:26:35

Do I get a high five?

0:26:370:26:38

So for our winners this week, survival,

0:26:420:26:46

and for our losers, this...

0:26:460:26:48

But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

0:26:590:27:04

Sausage roll-eating horse banned from swimming gala.

0:27:040:27:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:070:27:10

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:140:27:18

Ian Hislop and Rachel Johnson, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.

0:27:180:27:22

And I leave you with the news that in a bid to improve their libidos,

0:27:220:27:26

the pandas at Edinburgh Zoo are given access to pornography.

0:27:260:27:31

It emerges that London's new cable car service

0:27:350:27:38

offers spectacular views of the nearest Spearmint Rhino.

0:27:380:27:43

And in his private estate outside LA, Piers Morgan inspects

0:27:470:27:52

the monument to himself he's just had commissioned.

0:27:520:27:55

Good night.

0:28:010:28:03

It was easier making Bond.

0:28:390:28:40

Did anyone check whether that chap who got shot was all right?

0:28:430:28:46

-I'll get him again.

-Oh!

-GUNSHOTS

0:28:480:28:51

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