Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis, in

the news this week there's disappointment as one member of the

Chipping Norton amateur dramatics society, realises he's only been

given one line in this year's panto. Liverpool council, deny wasting

money on a new initiative to check occupancy levels in high rise flats.

And, at a hotel on location, after his producer's husband turns up

unexpectedly, Andrew Marr decides to go back to his own room. With

Ian tonight is the leader of UKIP, who was once the subject of a BBC

documentary, which in the end they decided not to show, only in that

instance it it wasn't because they had made a Christmas Special

celebrating him as a national treasure sure. Please welcome Nigel

Farage, MEP. Charming!

And with Paul, is a star of cult movie, This Is Spinal Tap, and the

Simpsons, he does the voice of evil tycoon Mr Burns, which many think

is based on the voice of Rupert Murdoch, he does the voice of

Smithers, pale, yellow and powerless, presumably based on Nick

Clegg. Please welcome Harry Shearer. And, let's get started with the

bigger stories of the week. Paul and Harry. Can you take a look at

this. This is the Muppets protesting the

fact that Romney threatened to stop funding for big bird. Oh where's

the loo. Indoor fireworks. Chicago was going to have the Olympicer

they had confetti leftover. These people are too young to be

disappointed. And still I don't know where to vote.

The American election, Barack Obama won qon Vinceingly, did you --

Convincingly. Did you stay up? didn't, I wasn't running. What is

foo 4 for? They should had have a digest, people saying too close to

call, too close to call, neck and neck, and he won convincingly.

I see you on ITV? You saucey little monkey. I did, I went to the

American Embassy. A went in and woman said am I a Democrat or a

Republican, I said I wasn't either, she gave me a Republican badge and

said there is a lot of these. And I thought I know which way this is

going. Isn't it 9 7% of black voters voted for Obama, and 73% of

the Hispanics voted for Obama, and I think the Republicans have had it.

One guy said we are not generating enough angry white guys, let's

produce more of them. With 23 million unemployed, you would think

there must be enough of them. said "voters" are you ska Far-age!

An American accent. Romney had one last push in Ohio, anyone know what

they Chrisened this effort of their's? Titanic! The blip, the

disaster. They called it the Romney Ryan Real Recovery Road Rally. Bit

inconsiderate towards Japanese Americans.

Our Prime Minister tweeted away like crazy, anyone know what he

tweeted. They had been to a baseball match with him. He's now

on the Barack Obama side, the Tory Party support the left-wing. They

are only left by no-one's terms aren't they. Obama's domestic

policy is severely to the right of Richard Nixon. The Americans have a

Conservative Party, and a Very Conservative Party. Then they have

a Tea Party, which you just don't want to know! So So our Prime

want to know! So So our Prime Minister tweeted:

Now he's not allowed to text Rebekah Brooks any more! As always

during the campaign there was accusations of negative campaigning,

slurring, attempt at media manipulation, anyone see attempts

at that? There was a landmark moment when, in the early part of

the campaign, that is to say, in 1978! When Obama's supporters were

criticising him for not saying that Romney lied. They spent �2.5

billion on, $2.5 billion, and the adverts were about who would waste

the most money in America. In the 18-month election time you could

bear an elephant in that time. There was this widely distributed

image. How did he get the dog to stay on

his face like that. There was some technical issues with voting

machines, did anyone see that story? There was a voting machine

where a person kept pressing the button for Obama and the machine

kept registering Romney! That's absolutely right. It's magic, he

still lost! These things are harder to fix than you think. That's an

appalling accusation. Top US political expert, Piers Morgan! Was

on hand with his customary insightful analysis on the day.

What bombshells did he come up with? Did he predict a Clinton win.

He said: Thanks for that Mr Morgan. Of

course it is quite important during the campaign to keep control of

your image, Obama seems to have had the edge there too over Mr Romney.

Here is one that was relosed of him. And here's one that emerged of Mitt

Romney! That's not a photograph. you want normal people to resonate,

have a helicopter not a jet. Anyone know about the Eyebrow Index?

longer, shorter, thicker or slightly less dense eyebrow, the

more or less chance you have winning or losing in an election.

Seven of the last eight elections have been won by the candidate with

the best-groomed eyebrows. Any way, the advice was Romney should go

pluck himself! Mitt Romney became famous for his gaffes during the

campaign. Anyone remember any of his gaffes? "I like firing people"

was one he said. He said "I like to be able to fire people". There was

a particularly surreal one he said Although that was probably just an

autocue error, to be fair, autocue error to just be fair, probably!

The day before the election he was heard to say to one of his final

rallies, tomorrow is the beginning of a better tomorrow! There was

also the awkward one at the fundraiser, he didn't realise he

Nigel a bit far or pretty standard right-wing nut-jub stuff! Romney

admitted to having strapped his dog to the top of the car for a 12-hour

drive from Boston to on tear I don't know. Nigel, bit far or

standard right-wing nut-job stuff. Nigel? Anything too, you? No, I'm

sorry. Even UKIP on a bad day can't compete with Romney. Yes, it's the

US election, the result was in the balance until the last minute. Mind

you, if Americans think that election was exciting, just wait

until Britain elects its regional Police Commissioners.

Explaining the complexties of the Electoral College system to its

readers the Mirror described it as, the race to 270 votes, a figure

UKIP can only dream of, eh Nigel. One Romney supporter who took

defeat badly was Donald Trump. All right, Donald, keep your hair

on! Ian and Nigel, take a look at this.

The lady of the moment. Nadine Dorries. That's oz. Denis MacShane,

in a helmet. And these are elderly computers. The last time I was on

this programme, Ian, you had a very serious dig at me. Surely not!

Honestly. I was very surprised about it. I needed counselling.

can't remember anything about it, was it �2 million of expenses.

That's right. The guy that accused me of misusing �2 million of tax-

payers' money was, none other than, Denis MacShane! Dennis "scumbag"

MacShane, who, whilst he was accusing me of this was using tax-

payers' money. And over the course of 18 months bought eight laptops

and gave them to assistants and internals as gift. Worse than that,

set up an organisation called the European Policy Institute, claimed

expenses on that and was signing fraudulent cheques. So I feel

pretty embittered. Although Nigel you did have a meeting with Andrew

Neil recently, didn't you, after you said in 2009. We haven't

finished this, I'm enjoying expenses. You said you would

publish your expenses quarterly you don't? Six-monthly instead. There

is no information about your expenses for nearly a year. In fact,

we are doing it every six months, not quarterly, that seemed more

practical. You haven't done it this year at all? I haven't, because I

simply haven't had time to do it! There is a big difference here!

There is a very big difference here. These are not expenses that I'm

claiming for, these are allowances that I'm given, because that's the

European system, and voluntarily what I do is published this stuff

on-line, which have done once every six months since 2009. Sorry.

we get back to the other guy. story. I'm sure there is a story.

But we mustn't let off the other guy. There is no point going back

into history, let's get back to him. Not only did MacShane falsify

invoices, not only did he claim expenses he had no right. To not

only did he sign bits of papers, but he's furiously pro-European.

That is even more serious, isn't it. Which I would suggest is probably,

two years, three years. Minimum! cannot understand why no-one

spotted it, he set up this Policy Institute, signed the cheques

himself, under the name of Mr Michael Mouse! Really? No, I made

that bit up. He might go to jail, do you think? He will. You think he

will definitely will? Absolutely, MPs have gone to jail for far less

than he does, he deserves it, scumbag! If he does go down, he

might want to dress a little differently! That's him putting an

expense claim in for the new pair of trousers. He has had to resign

after submitting false invoice, according to the Sun he claimed for

14 computers in three years, and still Comet went bust! What are you

feelings about Nadine Dorries? There is a big debate going on, is

Nadine going to defect to UKIP. That is the big debate! Everywhere

I go, is she gonna go, I don't know, please tell us. She was on this

team with you. She was, a lot of people think she is slightly

unhinged and going to be on a reality show when you are in

parliament is a bad move, if you think that's a member of your party

so be it. She's gone to be on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, and

parliament is sitting. There are votes of votes, she won't help her

constituents, a lot of people in parliament are quite cross. Does

she get her salary on a reality I tell you what Nadine, millions of

people watched a bloke leap out of a balloon from the edge of space,

if you're interested! She did tell people she's going to do this to

raise important issues. Do you think she has ever seen the

programme! Eric Pickles had something to say about it. I shall

be watching it, for the first time for a long time. As I say, I shall

be ringing in religiously every week to keep her there!

Conservatives responded by suspending her until she explains

her actions. News that Heat Magazine felt it necessary to

Said their chief political correspondent. Meanwhile, who else

is misunderstanding the nature of their job at Westminster in the

last couple of weeks? Nick Clegg. More than the last few weeks, isn't

it? Ken Clarke. Thank you. He doesn't know what his new

Government job s decribing his role as Minister without Portfolio as

being particularly mysterious and baffling. Or as, you would say,

Nigel. B-B--baffling. In stark contrast to the guilty razzmatazz

of American politics, one of the leading political figures, Nadine

Dorries, is going on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

Nadine Dorries justified her decision to appear, saying the

important thing is 16 million people watch the show. Quite, why

do you think I'm doing this show? Sorry, mmm, is that all. Including

the repeat! Embarrassing. Nadine, after the Tory Party

suspended Nadine, known to the tabloids as Mad Nad. The Sun

Come on, she may be mad, but she's not insane. When told of her TV

plans, Paul Duckett, chairman of her mid-Bedfordshire constituency,

said he could think of better ways of spending his time than sitting

in a swamp with a bucket of maggots on his head. Maybe, but being

chairman of the mid-Bedfordshire Conservative Association probably

isn't one of them. The strongometer of news, here is the first one.

UKIP is campaigning across the whole of Europe, that is what the

flag means. Really? Who do you think you are kidding Mr Farage.

There you go. This is the news that Britain has invaded 90% of the

world's nations. Says author Stuart Laycock. Who has written a book

claiming that Britain has invaded 171 out of a possible 193 countries,

why is this statistic a little questionable? It was made up!

Because Laycock has allowed for it to include anywhere the British

achieved a military presence. Through force, negotiation or

payment, as well as incursions by any pirates operating with the

approval of their Government. There are a few countries unlucky enough

to never have enjoyed a British invasion. Sweden, the Marshall

Islands. That is why they have never been invaded, nobody knows

where they are. UKIP for origins invading countries, on the whole!

If you had to though, who would be top of your list? It has to be

Belgium. It is pretty much a non- country, we might do it a favour!

Give it a third language. Whatever I say I get into terrible trouble.

I can't think why. This is just a co-production with a Belgian

company. The author estimates Britain has invaded 171 countries,

only fle less than Prince Philip has insulted! The book claims that

we even invaded Vietnam, in the 1600s, the Americans were late

joining that one as well. Fingers on buzzers please, teams.

Judging by the speech bubble, is it something to do with Midlands

accents being harder to understand than any other accents. There is an

irony. It is hard Tory understand your accent. Really? No, that would

be the irony. It is team work. don't understand what I'm saying.S

This the news in that an �1 McMillan phone service -- �11

million phone service is sending everyone mad because it can't

understand brummy accents. It conditioned understand numbers such

don't all make the face when they are talking. And "neoine". Users

have tried for up to half an hour just to get past the first question.

Wonder why! (biermling ham accent) What does the machine do when it

doesn't understand? It electrocutes the applicant. It apparently

continuously says "can you please repeat?"

The system is stored in the rent arrears department, it meant the

council were able to cut the jobs of 55 call centre staff. Who

ironically are all now behind with their rent, and have to speak to

the very machine that put them out of a job. Time now for The Odd

Couple odd. Paul and Harry, your four are -- the Odd One Out. Paul

and Harry these are your's. William Howard Taft, Gordon Brown, Stuart

Rodger and Gordon Brown. Gordon Brown got stuck in Number Ten, it

took years to get him out. They tried greasing him and everything,

they couldn't get him out. They all got stuck in lifts, in the bog!

Yes, bathroom, apart from Stuart Rodger, who deliberately hid in the

toilet for an hour, in order to heckle David Cameron. He burst into

a room where Cameron was and shouted:

You spend an hour in the toilet you would come up with something better

than that. He got 100 hours community service for heckling

Michael McIntyre. Tell us about President Taft. He was President of

the United States, guess what number he was? He was 27. That's

not right is it. 27th President of the United States.

I'm taking you to the track. He got himself stuck in the presidential

bath tub. He was the heaviest-ever President, weighing in at a whop be

21 stone. Six men apparently dislodged him with a gallon of

butter! Not to grease the sides, just to lure him out! Taft was a

one-term President and that term was "fatso". This year Vern got

stuck in an airline toilet. And Gordon Brown once got stuck in a

toilet and had to be released by arch nemisis, Tony Blair. After a

Brown was stuck in the toilet for 15 minutes, an embarrassing episode,

on the plus side that is when he first had a go at quanative easing.

Ian and Nigel, here are your's, Cyclops, Xi Jinping, Osama Bin

Laden and Caroline Flint. I think this is about -- Fred Flintstone.

think this is about caves, Cyclops lived in a cave, Osama Bin Laden

lived in a cave, Flintstone had a cave with all the mod cons and

everything in it. The new leader of China doesn't live in a cave.

That's not a great answer. I reckon you're pretty good at this. Very

low bar. They have all lived in a cave,

except for cave Flintstone who lived in a Stonehouse, with all mod

cons. Talking of the Flintstone, Fred and Wilma's private live

expanneded US social boundaries in the 60s, why? You could now sleep

with cartoons? They were the first couple to be shown in bed together

on prime time TV? Before that they had to be in single beds, next to

each other. Oh and Wilma was a crack whore.

Osama Bin Laden is reported to have lived in a cave in Afghanistan,

what did we learn recently about his beard? There was 15 very

specially-trained swallows. He dyed it. According to a member of the

Royal Navy School of Music SEALS, what else was he surprised about?

There was a box set of The Wire. was surprised by how tidely

Ladbrokes kept his clothes. Not all bad, then. Xi Jinping, lived in

cave when his father was arrested during the Cultural Revolution.

What will he get to control once he is running China? The world.

world's largest Armed Forces. think they are the biggest economy

now. They have just overtaken American. Them is fighting words,

mister. They have all lived in a cave, except Flintstone. After

Odysseus's men sneak into cyclops cave the giant eats two men after

killing their brain. That is, according to the guidelines, is

proportionate force. The missing word round, it features The Society

For Clay Pipe Research news letter. We will start with only a few pipe

makers were able to tear themselves away from the misery of what?

abuse. It fits. Pipe making. This newsletter covers

things like: It is still achieving a bigger

circulation than the UKIP newsletter! Next. "why not use your

baby to..." Feed the poor. rhymes with that. Clean the floor.

They don't do anything, children, get them working. This is an

invention that uses your baby to clean floors. There is also a full

size version for husbands who come home drunk! Next, Prince Charles,

"I'm a what...?" This is him using pigeon. I'm a number one piccaninny

missy Queen, what he actually said. "few sasauges short of a Barbie".

Prince Charles's tour downunder, while on walk about he wore a hat,

a present from his sons, William provided the hat and Harry the

corks. Next what? Snake! It is definitely snake. You have antique

snake, we have paid �10,000 to have it restuffed. Snake is the right

answer. I have been saying nothing else but snake all night.S This the

100-year-old Anaconda in William Hague's part of the Foreign Office,

a spokesman said no significant maintenance has been carried out on

him for the last 40-50 years, adding the snake is in even worse

condition. Finally, offensive Morris dancers what? Revealed as

Iran's secret weapon! Told to move on by police. The lead Morrisman

delivered his most energetic dance performance ever, seconds after

being tasered! So the final scores are, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

Ian and Nigel have five, Harry and Paul have seven.

Recount! Just before we go, there is time for the caption competition,

Ian and Nigel have this. Ah, Lord Black, nice of you to come. Paul

and Harry get that? David Cameron warns geptsth against gay backlash

-- against gay backlash. Thank you to Nigel Farage, Ian Hislop, Paul

Merton and Shearer. I leave you with the news in Chicago that one

man regrets answering yes when his wife asks "does my bum look big in

this?". On a tour of Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles fine