Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

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In the news this week, in Aleppo,

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the Syrian remake of Fawlty Towers gets off to a difficult start.

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LAUGHTER

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In a last-ditch attempt to patch things up with his brother,

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Ed Miliband asked David round for a dip in the pool.

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GROANS

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And there's an embarrassing moment at a London soup kitchen

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when staff are told to feed anyone who looks like a tramp.

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LAUGHTER

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With Ian tonight is the Arts Editor of the BBC,

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who recently described Strictly Come Dancing as the gold standard

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of television art, as it reintroduced

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a massive audience to the idea of self-expression through movement.

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I think he and I are going to get along really well.

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Please welcome Will Gompertz.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul is a Canadian whose surreal comedy

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was recently described as making Salvador Dali

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look about as abstract as Constable.

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If only we had some poncey art critic on

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who could explain what that meant. Please welcome Tony Law.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Paul and Tony, take a look at this.

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Yes. Clearly America, clearly New York.

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This huge storm, Hurricane Sandy, has hit.

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There's President Obama looking presidential.

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-There's Mitt Romney looking made of tin!

-Yes.

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There's Donald Trump,

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who probably caused the storm in some way due to his evilness.

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Yes, this is obviously the disruption of New York

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by apparently some of the worst weather ever seen.

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-You called it a hurricane.

-Yes. It's not a hurricane, is it?

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-Technically, though, what was it?

-Wasn't it a cyclone?

-No, cyclones,

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I think, are Pacific-based. Hurricanes are Atlantic-based. As soon as the winds

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drop below a certain speed... I'm starting to sound like a weatherman.

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-LAUGHTER

-I just wondered if you knew what you were talking about.

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Obviously the storm had a number of consequences -

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I mean, many deaths, but apart from that.

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Glossing over that, as indeed the news has done,

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what else has it done?

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It got me chucked off the news, which is really boring.

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I'd made this fantastic package and then the guy comes in and says,

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"I'm afraid we have to take you off because of Hurricane Sandy,"

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and I said, "Fair enough. Obviously it's going to be epic."

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This is so shocking

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I expect your report will go out on ITV in three weeks time.

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-It was very good, Ian.

-You could have tailored it.

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That's what the Express did. They brought arts into it.

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They said the storm had:

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LAUGHTER

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-Would you like to see some of the damage it did?

-Yes.

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Now, I don't want to be boring, but that in the back,

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that's a Dodge Durango, I think, Dodge Challenger in the middle,

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Jeep Grand Cherokee on the right.

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So total there is about three and a half dollars.

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Do you think that the news channels

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were upset that the storm was as bad as it was predicted?

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It was very odd listening to the news, because the news was,

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"There's this terrific storm, whatever it is,

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"about to hit America. What will it do to the election?"

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And you thought, well, what will it do to the people?

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The first thing they kept saying was, "Obama's got to look presidential.

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"He's got to appear presidential." But what does that mean?

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Like, I mean, if you go, "Aaaah! There's a storm coming!

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"We're all going to die!" That would be unpresidential. Just not do that.

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-That, and holding people's head under the water.

-Yeah.

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Don't do that. It's funny, yes, but...

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President Obama, right?

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-Why has he been arriving everywhere with pizza?

-Has he?

-Yeah, he has.

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Hello, everybody, hello, hello! I brought some food!

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INDISTINCT

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Why does he think they need pizza?

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-He's practising for two weeks' time.

-If he loses his job.

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LAUGHTER

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It does give, does it not, the news channels the opportunity

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to run their annual competition to see which reporter can stand in the stupidest place in bad weather.

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This is always my favourite thing in bad weather.

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I think in third place, up to his knees in water.

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Second place, man, bit breezy there.

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But for me, the winner is this chap.

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Look at the water actually just pouring over the sea wall now.

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APPLAUSE

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Obviously, any American story like this has to come to Britain.

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The Daily Mail online, OK, yesterday, said:

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And here comes the photo they ran.

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LAUGHTER

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Actually, Will, while you're here. You're BBC News team.

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Is there are an edict that goes out to reporters when they go to America

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-they stop talking English?

-You've got to stop talking English,

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and wear North Face jackets. It's a rule.

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They don't talk about power cuts, but power outages.

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I mean, when you go to France, you don't go,

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-"Bonjour, et bienvenue en Paris," do you?

-I don't, no.

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It's a nonsense. That wasn't in my notes, I just made it up.

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It didn't sound that well researched.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you hear how occasional New York resident Joan Collins

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-reacted to the storm?

-She said, "Oh, isn't it annoying

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"because you can't shop at Bloomingdale's."

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-Something like that.

-Absolutely right.

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Joanie, you daft bat.

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Obviously, we were talking about

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the effect it had on the presidential election.

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What's been the big dairy-related boost for Obama this week?

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Cows are voting for him?

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No. His head has been sculpted out of butter

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and has been carried around the streets of Chicago in a fridge.

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-Let's have a look.

-There he is.

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Yeah, well, it's better than I might have hoped for.

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The reason why this has been handed around Chicago in a fridge?

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-Absolutely no idea.

-Well, it would melt if you put it outside.

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-Yeah, or if you took it to Florida.

-Brilliant!

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It's not just arts you can do, it's science!

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This is Super Storm Sandy, which hit America's East Coast this week.

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According to the Daily Mail:

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Or to put it another way, not quite as fast as a Toyota Prius.

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-I always thought it was Pree-us.

-That's cos you're foreign.

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-As indeed is the car.

-It's actually Canadian,

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the batteries. Well, the nickel.

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Which is then shipped all the way on an oil-burning ship to Norway

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where it's turned into batteries and shipped all the way to Japan,

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where it's turned into the car, then it's shipped back to Britain

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where morons who think they're saving the planet buy it.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So, Ian and Will, take a look at this.

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Trees. Not doing very well.

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Ash trees? End of an ash. Mark of death.

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-Wind farms.

-Heseltine.

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I think he was doing a joke about how the Labour Party

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goes, "Left, left, left, left, left."

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Do you think that's what John Major's laughing at?

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He's got secrets all of his own.

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-This is power, isn't it?

-It's power. Wind.

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-And how ugly it is.

-It was many things,

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but in amongst it all there was the news of yet another

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government U-turn, one which leaves anyone

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who installed one of those ridiculous windmill-y things

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on their houses looking foolish. No names mentioned.

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Dave.

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-Cameron, in case you were wondering which Dave.

-Yeah.

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Well, we don't all live in the same village as him.

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APPLAUSE

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There has been a government U-turn.

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There's been a government U-turn... We're not sure, really.

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The Minister for Energy said, "We don't want any more

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"of these onshore turbines, we're going to stop,"

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and then the Prime Minister said there's been no change of policy.

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That's always a clue, it means there has been.

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Or there will be, but no-one's told him.

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So we're fairly unsure whether wind is good or bad. Boo.

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I think they should take an aesthetic approach to this.

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I think that power stations have a certain beauty to them, don't you?

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I think wind farms are pig ugly.

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And should be banned on that reason alone.

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You could make those wind turbines look good beautiful if you just

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imagine that they're giant invisible World War II fighter aircraft.

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Then they don't look so bad.

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So if you're going for, say, a Hurricane, it's...

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IMITATES ENGINE

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But if you're doing a Spitfire it's more...

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IMITATES HIGHER PITCH ENGINE

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It revved at a much higher... You know that.

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That's bloody good!

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Maybe you could stand on top of the wind turbines to give more...

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Or we could pre-record it, that would be easier.

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-LAUGHTER

-Oooh!

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Can you remember the name of the man who made the announcement

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about the wind farms not coming when they are?

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-Is this Davey?

-No. He's called John Hayes. Picture of him here.

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SILENCE

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Doesn't really help, does it? Anyway.

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He looks nice, though. I trust him.

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But he's saying what you want to hear, no more wind farms.

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I couldn't give a damn.

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Well, that's cleared that policy up, then.

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What happened the day after

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he made his momentous and probably quite correct...?

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-Prime minister contradicted him.

-Wasn't it Ed Davey that contradicted him?

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His boss contradicted him. Never heard of him either.

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He's banned him from issuing any further statements and...

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Bye-bye, John.

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Right, let's move on to ash trees, if we may.

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What is the official name

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of the disease that's troubling them so much?

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-It's called dieback.

-No, that's what he's got on his head!

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No, no. The official name is not dieback. It is:

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Which is Latin for "a bunch of trees are dying".

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Actually, she sits next to my daughter at school.

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, how did the Mail cover the story of this terrible...?

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I haven't read it, but I'm guessing it was something like, "Denmark!

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"Bloody Danes! Killing our trees! God, I hate Danes."

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Hey, Danes, do they make a car?

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They do, but I can't remember what. It's unpronounceable.

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It's probably made of bacon. Rubbish Danes.

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-We're talking about the Mail here. You need to spread it out more.

-OK.

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-It started in Poland, didn't it?

-I think it was Poland. But anyway.

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It's throughout Europe now.

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They didn't bother finding out, on the Mail. OK. They had:

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On the shoes of an asylum seeker.

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They didn't actually say that last bit, I was just...

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, you saw Heseltine. Why's he back?

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Heseltine was asked by the government to produce a report.

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And they hoped he would produce a very long and boring report that

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they wouldn't have to implement, which is exactly what he's done.

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So it's a big success for the government.

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He's produced 89 proposals, you can guess how many of those

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will be used. None.

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He's called for enterprise, growth, more localism -

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a series of policies that the present government

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has already rejected.

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So Osborne said he welcomed Mr Heseltine's contribution,

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it's really kind of him to produce a report...

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And we'll see him another year.

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You're absolutely right, of course.

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On the subject of George Osborne, OK, I'd like you to watch

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-a piece of film, if I may.

-Yes, OK.

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And what does the man say when Osborne enters the room, OK?

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Listen carefully.

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Tosser. LAUGHTER

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-Can we look again?

-Yes, sure.

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Tosser. LAUGHTER

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Anyway, that was the news that in a few years

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wind farms may soon be rarer than ash trees. The Daily Mail...

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-Have they read any other papers this week?

-No, I'm here.

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-OK.

-Attack, attack, attack!

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The Daily Mail hit full panic mode, demanding:

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If the Daily Mail is that worried about the senseless destruction

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of trees, they could always close down their newspaper.

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The ash fungus is just one of many diseases

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affecting Britain's woodlands. According to The Times:

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That's even more of a threat to them than George Michael's driving!

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LAUGHTER

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-LAUGHTER

-And so, it's on to round two,

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and the Steering Wheel Of News.

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Here's the first spin.

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BUZZER

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That Berlusconi, I think, isn't it? Upside down.

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It is indeed Silvio Berlusconi.

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Yes. He's been found guilty of various things,

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but the way the Italian legal system works, he'll never go to prison

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because he'll just appeal and the appeals will go on for ever.

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But they haven't got him on sex. They've got him on tax.

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And also if you run for government, you're immune.

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No, he was immune as long as he was in power.

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As long as you're called Berlusconi,

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you're technically innocent of all crimes.

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Particularly involving belly dancers called Divine Ruby.

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Divine Ruby? You dragged that up from somewhere.

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-What does that mean to you?

-It's Ruby the Heart Stealer.

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That's who was at the bunga-bunga party.

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Look, I was there, for God's sake!

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He invited a lot of people over, I went over.

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Tessa Jowell's husband, me, we were all there.

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They were very good parties.

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I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal.

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You've basically covered it all.

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Well, Ian's covered more than I have.

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And people say why don't we have a ridiculous politician

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with a funny sex life called Boris? I mean...

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The Mirror report said:

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Much like one of the former editors, really.

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-Is that libellous?

-Nah.

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It's true, isn't it? So it's not.

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Anyway.

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Berlusconi said he would not stand as the centre-right candidate

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in next year's general election:

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Which differ slightly from his remarks when he left office:

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So if he doesn't come back, who is stepping up to the mark,

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and likely to take over the centre-right party?

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-Lady Mussolini.

-Alexandra, or something.

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-A young lady fascist Mussolini.

-Would you like to see a photo?

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-I would.

-Yes.

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There's Italian politics for you.

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It is Alessandra Mussolini.

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Her grandfather, he was hung from a lamppost.

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She looks like she's seen standing underneath one.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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She's certainly got Berlusconi's knack for diplomatic language.

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She's known to argue:

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Wasn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?

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What good news has happened in Greece this week?

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The Greek editor who revealed

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the name of the top tax evaders... It was given

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by the IMF to the Greek government, they said

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"Those are the people avoiding tax in your country, do something."

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And the government said, "Yeah, of course we will."

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And then just hid the list. This editor printed the list.

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And they were going to prosecute him

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for invading privacy of these people,

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cos it is a private matter if you don't want to pay tax.

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Why should you?

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Anyway, they were going to bang him up, and they haven't.

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He's got off! And hats off to Greek journalism.

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And Greek law, actually, now.

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And Greek law. And boo to Starbucks.

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APPLAUSE

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-Yeah.

-It's like being on Question Time. Only I've got this here.

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This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi

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has been found guilty of fraud and sentenced to be banga-bangad up.

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Berlusconi is a once-powerful media magnate

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sentenced to prison for fraud,

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who insists on his innocence despite all evidence to the contrary.

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So the big question is, next week, will he be on Ian's team or Paul's?

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Right, here is the next spin.

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BELL

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That's a waxwork.

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-Is it? Of?

-Somebody.

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-Is it somebody from Thunderbirds?

-It's Mussolini, isn't it?

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-The point is, it's so bad you don't know who it's of.

-Ah!

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And it's a visitor attraction somewhere in England,

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and it's not doing very well.

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It is Mussolini, though, isn't it?

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It's the world's worst wax museum,

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The Louis Tussaud House Of Wax in Great Yarmouth.

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It's facing closure. Shall we have a look at some of their other work?

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-First of all, who is this?

-Michael Jackson, obviously.

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No, it isn't. That's Edwina Currie!

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Paul, you are right. Next one.

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LAUGHTER

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-Is that Ian Botham?

-Oh, you are on fire!

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I am startled by your ability to do this.

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-I'm startled myself, actually.

-Next.

0:18:400:18:41

-Prince Charles.

-No, that's Saddam Hussein.

0:18:410:18:44

Who's that?

0:18:460:18:48

TONY: That is just the dude at reception...

0:18:480:18:51

or Daley Thompson.

0:18:510:18:53

It is, actually, Daley Thompson.

0:18:530:18:54

I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are!

0:18:540:18:58

You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just wait.

0:18:580:19:03

-There is actually one of you, Will.

-Neil Kinnock!

0:19:030:19:06

They have one more politician, actually. They have Ed Balls.

0:19:060:19:09

Here he is.

0:19:090:19:11

LAUGHTER

0:19:110:19:13

-Except that isn't Ed Balls, is it?

-TONY: It's Hitler.

0:19:130:19:16

No, it isn't. It's Ed Balls during Movember.

0:19:160:19:21

So, with so many great exhibits,

0:19:210:19:22

why is this remarkable place facing closure?

0:19:220:19:25

I bet it isn't after this show!

0:19:250:19:27

Much better than going to the National Portrait Gallery,

0:19:270:19:30

all that competence on display.

0:19:300:19:33

One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:

0:19:350:19:39

Which, coincidentally,

0:19:410:19:42

is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.

0:19:420:19:45

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Paul and Tony.

0:19:470:19:50

Tony Blair's interns, Adele's knickers,

0:19:500:19:53

Paul McCartney and six seconds of Richard Herman's time.

0:19:530:19:58

Right, I don't know who Richard Herman is.

0:19:580:20:00

He's the man who all those people who ring you up cold calling saying,

0:20:000:20:04

"Can we help you with your claim for Payment Protection Insurance?"

0:20:040:20:09

He rang them back, said, "Stop ringing me up."

0:20:090:20:12

and he billed them for wasting his time.

0:20:120:20:14

And they paid up.

0:20:140:20:16

Doesn't Adele buy her knickers from Primark for a quid each?

0:20:160:20:20

I don't know, I haven't asked her, but looking at them...

0:20:200:20:24

-Is it charging per minute?

-No.

0:20:240:20:26

So are you saying Adele charges per minute?

0:20:260:20:29

You're on the right lines with cost.

0:20:290:20:31

WILL: McCartney charged £1

0:20:310:20:33

for singing at the Opening Ceremony, didn't he?

0:20:330:20:35

Oh, well done!

0:20:350:20:37

-Tony Blair's intern is the odd one out. They're paid nothing.

-Yes.

0:20:370:20:41

They all cost £1 except Tony Blair's interns, who work for free.

0:20:410:20:45

Adele's knickers cost just £1. Even better value in women's fashion

0:20:450:20:49

was announced this week.

0:20:490:20:50

You can now buy a 99p Christmas dress.

0:20:500:20:54

-Here it is.

-Is that its actual size?

0:20:540:20:57

What does the success of the 99p dress tell us about Christmas,

0:20:580:21:02

according to the online suppliers?

0:21:020:21:04

It's nearly here. It's very exciting. Christmas!

0:21:040:21:07

-Is that a preview of your new Christmas single?!

-It is!

0:21:100:21:14

You and Berlusconi walking through a winter wonderland!

0:21:140:21:18

Yeah! We're doing a double act!

0:21:180:21:19

I hope it's true!

0:21:190:21:21

According to the online suppliers, it tells us that...

0:21:210:21:23

-Peace and goodwill can go

-BLEEP

-themselves.

0:21:260:21:28

According to the Mail, Adele's James Bond theme for Skyfall

0:21:310:21:33

has rocketed to the top of the charts...

0:21:330:21:35

There's a Bond film out? No!

0:21:380:21:41

Paul McCartney was paid £1 to sing at the Olympics Opening Ceremony,

0:21:430:21:46

which works out at 50p for each note sung in tune.

0:21:460:21:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:510:21:54

Ian and Will. Ted Heath's house, Paul Davison,

0:21:540:21:57

candidate for the Hull police commissioner elections,

0:21:570:22:00

David Icke and Gordon Brown.

0:22:000:22:03

Edward Heath's house was going to be turned into a museum

0:22:030:22:06

but then it couldn't be because they didn't have enough money.

0:22:060:22:09

This commissioner is going as an opposition candidate

0:22:090:22:12

against Prescott.

0:22:120:22:14

As for David Icke, well, he's nuts.

0:22:140:22:17

Although he's doing very well.

0:22:170:22:19

Go to Wembley and he's talking there and you can't get in.

0:22:190:22:21

-Gordon Brown.

-What is he doing now?

0:22:210:22:24

-I think he's just cross.

-Still?

0:22:240:22:27

I'll have to put you out of my misery.

0:22:270:22:29

They've all suffered from a poor turnout...

0:22:290:22:32

-Not David Icke...

-..apart from David Icke.

0:22:320:22:35

He drew a 6,000 crowd to his recent conspiracies lecture at Wembley.

0:22:350:22:39

Does anyone know Icke's central theory on

0:22:390:22:42

how the world is run?

0:22:420:22:44

People like the Royal Family, for example,

0:22:440:22:48

are lizards, reptiles from another planet.

0:22:480:22:51

Basically, aliens have invaded and we don't know.

0:22:510:22:54

Isn't that Mormonism?

0:22:540:22:57

It wasn't half an hour of stand-up, this was an 11-hour gig.

0:22:570:23:00

What's even more interesting than the 11 hours

0:23:000:23:02

you correctly say he spoke for, he did so without notes.

0:23:020:23:06

11 hours without notes.

0:23:060:23:08

He talked bollocks for 11 hours - we can all do that.

0:23:080:23:12

Paul Davison, who is standing for the upcoming

0:23:120:23:14

police commissioner election in Humberside,

0:23:140:23:17

was left embarrassed this week when only four people

0:23:170:23:20

turned up for a public meeting.

0:23:200:23:22

According to The Independent, out of the four people in attendance...

0:23:220:23:25

It gets worse, I'm afraid.

0:23:290:23:30

It's particularly embarrassing for Mr Davison because he is...

0:23:300:23:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:330:23:36

The former Prime Minister Gordon Brown

0:23:380:23:40

had to cancel a press conference at the United Nations last month

0:23:400:23:43

after a poor turnout. How many people

0:23:430:23:46

showed up to hear Gordon's thoughts on global education?

0:23:460:23:49

-17.

-No. According to the Telegraph...

0:23:490:23:52

HE LAUGHS

0:23:550:23:57

-I'm sorry...

-Do we know who that was?

0:23:570:24:01

It was the Telegraph reporter!

0:24:010:24:02

Some bloke saying, "You going to be much longer? I've got to lock up."

0:24:060:24:11

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:24:110:24:13

which features as its guest publication...

0:24:130:24:16

Not so much unputdownable as unpickupable.

0:24:200:24:23

We start with...

0:24:230:24:25

Over Clarkson.

0:24:280:24:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:310:24:35

Strip club. That's right, isn't it?

0:24:350:24:37

That's extraordinary because it is strip club.

0:24:370:24:41

-I saw the story.

-Steven Hutchins, a JP in Maidstone,

0:24:410:24:44

wanted to open a strip club - there he is.

0:24:440:24:46

No touching. That's not a rule in the club just a bit of advice

0:24:460:24:49

if you meet Steven.

0:24:490:24:50

Next.

0:24:530:24:54

WILL: Wig.

0:24:570:24:59

Strip club again.

0:25:000:25:02

This is from issue 58 of the Hedgehog Newsletter.

0:25:060:25:09

Blender?

0:25:240:25:26

-Next.

-Every answer is strip club.

0:25:280:25:30

..caught in police raid at strip club.

0:25:360:25:40

Hedgehogs thrown at dartboard give a score of 4,000.

0:25:400:25:44

The final scores are:

0:25:490:25:50

Ian and Will, 6 and Paul and Tony, you also have 6.

0:25:500:25:54

APPLAUSE

0:25:540:25:58

No, since the scores are level,

0:25:580:26:00

let's have quick tie-break round.

0:26:000:26:03

Buzz when you know who this is.

0:26:030:26:05

BUZZER

0:26:080:26:10

-Winston Churchill.

-That's Shirley Bassey.

0:26:100:26:13

That's Winston Churchill. And this one?

0:26:130:26:16

BUZZER WILL: Rowan Atkinson.

0:26:160:26:19

Next...

0:26:190:26:20

-BELL

-Ian Hislop.

0:26:200:26:23

-Michael Barrymore.

-I knew you knew.

0:26:240:26:26

-Next.

-I get the tasteless one.

0:26:260:26:28

BUZZER

0:26:280:26:29

-Cliff Richard.

-Cliff Richard.

0:26:290:26:32

Yes. Next.

0:26:320:26:33

BELL

0:26:330:26:35

Neanderthal man.

0:26:350:26:37

-George Best.

-Correct.

-George Best?!

0:26:380:26:41

BELL

0:26:430:26:45

TONY: I can see who's behind. Is that Noel Edmonds?

0:26:450:26:48

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:480:26:51

I'll give you...It's Jim Davidson.

0:26:510:26:55

BUZZER

0:26:550:26:56

-Sean Connery.

-It is but that's Cliff Richard again.

0:26:560:26:59

This waxworks is GLORIOUSLY terrible!

0:27:010:27:04

BUZZER

0:27:060:27:07

-TONY: Cherie Blair.

-No.

-Jackie Onassis.

0:27:070:27:10

You've been there all night, wanting it to be her.

0:27:100:27:13

-Shirley Bassey?

-Yes!

0:27:130:27:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:17

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.

0:27:200:27:23

Paul and Tony, you're on 14. Ian and Will, you're on 9.

0:27:230:27:26

Robbed!

0:27:260:27:27

APPLAUSE

0:27:270:27:30

I leave you with the news that in Rome

0:27:300:27:32

there are suspicions that pictures of Adam and Eve

0:27:320:27:35

in the new illustrated edition of the Bible

0:27:350:27:37

might be a bit too detailed.

0:27:370:27:38

As Azerbaijan prepares for the Eurovision Song Contest,

0:27:440:27:48

they look favourites to win with a power-ballad duet.

0:27:480:27:51

And, after escaping from a secret research laboratory in Norwich,

0:27:550:27:59

a giant hedgehog avenges the death of his father.

0:27:590:28:03

Good night.

0:28:070:28:08

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:210:28:24

Does it actually go fast, the Prius?

0:28:440:28:46

About 120.

0:28:460:28:49

If you push it off a cliff.

0:28:490:28:51

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