Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

In the news this week, in Aleppo,

the Syrian remake of Fawlty Towers gets off to a difficult start.

LAUGHTER

In a last-ditch attempt to patch things up with his brother,

Ed Miliband asked David round for a dip in the pool.

GROANS

And there's an embarrassing moment at a London soup kitchen

when staff are told to feed anyone who looks like a tramp.

LAUGHTER

With Ian tonight is the Arts Editor of the BBC,

who recently described Strictly Come Dancing as the gold standard

of television art, as it reintroduced

a massive audience to the idea of self-expression through movement.

I think he and I are going to get along really well.

Please welcome Will Gompertz.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a Canadian whose surreal comedy

was recently described as making Salvador Dali

look about as abstract as Constable.

If only we had some poncey art critic on

who could explain what that meant. Please welcome Tony Law.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Tony, take a look at this.

Yes. Clearly America, clearly New York.

This huge storm, Hurricane Sandy, has hit.

There's President Obama looking presidential.

-There's Mitt Romney looking made of tin!

-Yes.

There's Donald Trump,

who probably caused the storm in some way due to his evilness.

Yes, this is obviously the disruption of New York

by apparently some of the worst weather ever seen.

-You called it a hurricane.

-Yes. It's not a hurricane, is it?

-Technically, though, what was it?

-Wasn't it a cyclone?

-No, cyclones,

I think, are Pacific-based. Hurricanes are Atlantic-based. As soon as the winds

drop below a certain speed... I'm starting to sound like a weatherman.

-LAUGHTER

-I just wondered if you knew what you were talking about.

Obviously the storm had a number of consequences -

I mean, many deaths, but apart from that.

Glossing over that, as indeed the news has done,

what else has it done?

It got me chucked off the news, which is really boring.

I'd made this fantastic package and then the guy comes in and says,

"I'm afraid we have to take you off because of Hurricane Sandy,"

and I said, "Fair enough. Obviously it's going to be epic."

This is so shocking

I expect your report will go out on ITV in three weeks time.

-It was very good, Ian.

-You could have tailored it.

That's what the Express did. They brought arts into it.

They said the storm had:

LAUGHTER

-Would you like to see some of the damage it did?

-Yes.

Now, I don't want to be boring, but that in the back,

that's a Dodge Durango, I think, Dodge Challenger in the middle,

Jeep Grand Cherokee on the right.

So total there is about three and a half dollars.

Do you think that the news channels

were upset that the storm was as bad as it was predicted?

It was very odd listening to the news, because the news was,

"There's this terrific storm, whatever it is,

"about to hit America. What will it do to the election?"

And you thought, well, what will it do to the people?

The first thing they kept saying was, "Obama's got to look presidential.

"He's got to appear presidential." But what does that mean?

Like, I mean, if you go, "Aaaah! There's a storm coming!

"We're all going to die!" That would be unpresidential. Just not do that.

-That, and holding people's head under the water.

-Yeah.

Don't do that. It's funny, yes, but...

President Obama, right?

-Why has he been arriving everywhere with pizza?

-Has he?

-Yeah, he has.

Hello, everybody, hello, hello! I brought some food!

INDISTINCT

Why does he think they need pizza?

-He's practising for two weeks' time.

-If he loses his job.

LAUGHTER

It does give, does it not, the news channels the opportunity

to run their annual competition to see which reporter can stand in the stupidest place in bad weather.

This is always my favourite thing in bad weather.

I think in third place, up to his knees in water.

Second place, man, bit breezy there.

But for me, the winner is this chap.

Look at the water actually just pouring over the sea wall now.

APPLAUSE

Obviously, any American story like this has to come to Britain.

The Daily Mail online, OK, yesterday, said:

And here comes the photo they ran.

LAUGHTER

Actually, Will, while you're here. You're BBC News team.

Is there are an edict that goes out to reporters when they go to America

-they stop talking English?

-You've got to stop talking English,

and wear North Face jackets. It's a rule.

They don't talk about power cuts, but power outages.

I mean, when you go to France, you don't go,

-"Bonjour, et bienvenue en Paris," do you?

-I don't, no.

It's a nonsense. That wasn't in my notes, I just made it up.

It didn't sound that well researched.

LAUGHTER

Did you hear how occasional New York resident Joan Collins

-reacted to the storm?

-She said, "Oh, isn't it annoying

"because you can't shop at Bloomingdale's."

-Something like that.

-Absolutely right.

Joanie, you daft bat.

Obviously, we were talking about

the effect it had on the presidential election.

What's been the big dairy-related boost for Obama this week?

Cows are voting for him?

No. His head has been sculpted out of butter

and has been carried around the streets of Chicago in a fridge.

-Let's have a look.

-There he is.

Yeah, well, it's better than I might have hoped for.

The reason why this has been handed around Chicago in a fridge?

-Absolutely no idea.

-Well, it would melt if you put it outside.

-Yeah, or if you took it to Florida.

-Brilliant!

It's not just arts you can do, it's science!

This is Super Storm Sandy, which hit America's East Coast this week.

According to the Daily Mail:

Or to put it another way, not quite as fast as a Toyota Prius.

-I always thought it was Pree-us.

-That's cos you're foreign.

-As indeed is the car.

-It's actually Canadian,

the batteries. Well, the nickel.

Which is then shipped all the way on an oil-burning ship to Norway

where it's turned into batteries and shipped all the way to Japan,

where it's turned into the car, then it's shipped back to Britain

where morons who think they're saving the planet buy it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, Ian and Will, take a look at this.

Trees. Not doing very well.

Ash trees? End of an ash. Mark of death.

-Wind farms.

-Heseltine.

I think he was doing a joke about how the Labour Party

goes, "Left, left, left, left, left."

Do you think that's what John Major's laughing at?

He's got secrets all of his own.

-This is power, isn't it?

-It's power. Wind.

-And how ugly it is.

-It was many things,

but in amongst it all there was the news of yet another

government U-turn, one which leaves anyone

who installed one of those ridiculous windmill-y things

on their houses looking foolish. No names mentioned.

Dave.

-Cameron, in case you were wondering which Dave.

-Yeah.

Well, we don't all live in the same village as him.

APPLAUSE

There has been a government U-turn.

There's been a government U-turn... We're not sure, really.

The Minister for Energy said, "We don't want any more

"of these onshore turbines, we're going to stop,"

and then the Prime Minister said there's been no change of policy.

That's always a clue, it means there has been.

Or there will be, but no-one's told him.

So we're fairly unsure whether wind is good or bad. Boo.

I think they should take an aesthetic approach to this.

I think that power stations have a certain beauty to them, don't you?

I think wind farms are pig ugly.

And should be banned on that reason alone.

You could make those wind turbines look good beautiful if you just

imagine that they're giant invisible World War II fighter aircraft.

Then they don't look so bad.

So if you're going for, say, a Hurricane, it's...

IMITATES ENGINE

But if you're doing a Spitfire it's more...

IMITATES HIGHER PITCH ENGINE

It revved at a much higher... You know that.

That's bloody good!

Maybe you could stand on top of the wind turbines to give more...

Or we could pre-record it, that would be easier.

-LAUGHTER

-Oooh!

Can you remember the name of the man who made the announcement

about the wind farms not coming when they are?

-Is this Davey?

-No. He's called John Hayes. Picture of him here.

SILENCE

Doesn't really help, does it? Anyway.

He looks nice, though. I trust him.

But he's saying what you want to hear, no more wind farms.

I couldn't give a damn.

Well, that's cleared that policy up, then.

What happened the day after

he made his momentous and probably quite correct...?

-Prime minister contradicted him.

-Wasn't it Ed Davey that contradicted him?

His boss contradicted him. Never heard of him either.

He's banned him from issuing any further statements and...

Bye-bye, John.

Right, let's move on to ash trees, if we may.

What is the official name

of the disease that's troubling them so much?

-It's called dieback.

-No, that's what he's got on his head!

No, no. The official name is not dieback. It is:

Which is Latin for "a bunch of trees are dying".

Actually, she sits next to my daughter at school.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, how did the Mail cover the story of this terrible...?

I haven't read it, but I'm guessing it was something like, "Denmark!

"Bloody Danes! Killing our trees! God, I hate Danes."

Hey, Danes, do they make a car?

They do, but I can't remember what. It's unpronounceable.

It's probably made of bacon. Rubbish Danes.

-We're talking about the Mail here. You need to spread it out more.

-OK.

-It started in Poland, didn't it?

-I think it was Poland. But anyway.

It's throughout Europe now.

They didn't bother finding out, on the Mail. OK. They had:

On the shoes of an asylum seeker.

They didn't actually say that last bit, I was just...

LAUGHTER

Anyway, you saw Heseltine. Why's he back?

Heseltine was asked by the government to produce a report.

And they hoped he would produce a very long and boring report that

they wouldn't have to implement, which is exactly what he's done.

So it's a big success for the government.

He's produced 89 proposals, you can guess how many of those

will be used. None.

He's called for enterprise, growth, more localism -

a series of policies that the present government

has already rejected.

So Osborne said he welcomed Mr Heseltine's contribution,

it's really kind of him to produce a report...

And we'll see him another year.

You're absolutely right, of course.

On the subject of George Osborne, OK, I'd like you to watch

-a piece of film, if I may.

-Yes, OK.

And what does the man say when Osborne enters the room, OK?

Listen carefully.

Tosser. LAUGHTER

-Can we look again?

-Yes, sure.

Tosser. LAUGHTER

Anyway, that was the news that in a few years

wind farms may soon be rarer than ash trees. The Daily Mail...

-Have they read any other papers this week?

-No, I'm here.

-OK.

-Attack, attack, attack!

The Daily Mail hit full panic mode, demanding:

If the Daily Mail is that worried about the senseless destruction

of trees, they could always close down their newspaper.

The ash fungus is just one of many diseases

affecting Britain's woodlands. According to The Times:

That's even more of a threat to them than George Michael's driving!

LAUGHTER

-LAUGHTER

-And so, it's on to round two,

and the Steering Wheel Of News.

Here's the first spin.

BUZZER

That Berlusconi, I think, isn't it? Upside down.

It is indeed Silvio Berlusconi.

Yes. He's been found guilty of various things,

but the way the Italian legal system works, he'll never go to prison

because he'll just appeal and the appeals will go on for ever.

But they haven't got him on sex. They've got him on tax.

And also if you run for government, you're immune.

No, he was immune as long as he was in power.

As long as you're called Berlusconi,

you're technically innocent of all crimes.

Particularly involving belly dancers called Divine Ruby.

Divine Ruby? You dragged that up from somewhere.

-What does that mean to you?

-It's Ruby the Heart Stealer.

That's who was at the bunga-bunga party.

Look, I was there, for God's sake!

He invited a lot of people over, I went over.

Tessa Jowell's husband, me, we were all there.

They were very good parties.

I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal.

You've basically covered it all.

Well, Ian's covered more than I have.

And people say why don't we have a ridiculous politician

with a funny sex life called Boris? I mean...

The Mirror report said:

Much like one of the former editors, really.

-Is that libellous?

-Nah.

It's true, isn't it? So it's not.

Anyway.

Berlusconi said he would not stand as the centre-right candidate

in next year's general election:

Which differ slightly from his remarks when he left office:

So if he doesn't come back, who is stepping up to the mark,

and likely to take over the centre-right party?

-Lady Mussolini.

-Alexandra, or something.

-A young lady fascist Mussolini.

-Would you like to see a photo?

-I would.

-Yes.

There's Italian politics for you.

It is Alessandra Mussolini.

Her grandfather, he was hung from a lamppost.

She looks like she's seen standing underneath one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's certainly got Berlusconi's knack for diplomatic language.

She's known to argue:

Wasn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?

What good news has happened in Greece this week?

The Greek editor who revealed

the name of the top tax evaders... It was given

by the IMF to the Greek government, they said

"Those are the people avoiding tax in your country, do something."

And the government said, "Yeah, of course we will."

And then just hid the list. This editor printed the list.

And they were going to prosecute him

for invading privacy of these people,

cos it is a private matter if you don't want to pay tax.

Why should you?

Anyway, they were going to bang him up, and they haven't.

He's got off! And hats off to Greek journalism.

And Greek law, actually, now.

And Greek law. And boo to Starbucks.

APPLAUSE

-Yeah.

-It's like being on Question Time. Only I've got this here.

This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi

has been found guilty of fraud and sentenced to be banga-bangad up.

Berlusconi is a once-powerful media magnate

sentenced to prison for fraud,

who insists on his innocence despite all evidence to the contrary.

So the big question is, next week, will he be on Ian's team or Paul's?

Right, here is the next spin.

BELL

That's a waxwork.

-Is it? Of?

-Somebody.

-Is it somebody from Thunderbirds?

-It's Mussolini, isn't it?

-The point is, it's so bad you don't know who it's of.

-Ah!

And it's a visitor attraction somewhere in England,

and it's not doing very well.

It is Mussolini, though, isn't it?

It's the world's worst wax museum,

The Louis Tussaud House Of Wax in Great Yarmouth.

It's facing closure. Shall we have a look at some of their other work?

-First of all, who is this?

-Michael Jackson, obviously.

No, it isn't. That's Edwina Currie!

Paul, you are right. Next one.

LAUGHTER

-Is that Ian Botham?

-Oh, you are on fire!

I am startled by your ability to do this.

-I'm startled myself, actually.

-Next.

-Prince Charles.

-No, that's Saddam Hussein.

Who's that?

TONY: That is just the dude at reception...

or Daley Thompson.

It is, actually, Daley Thompson.

I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are!

You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just wait.

-There is actually one of you, Will.

-Neil Kinnock!

They have one more politician, actually. They have Ed Balls.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

-Except that isn't Ed Balls, is it?

-TONY: It's Hitler.

No, it isn't. It's Ed Balls during Movember.

So, with so many great exhibits,

why is this remarkable place facing closure?

I bet it isn't after this show!

Much better than going to the National Portrait Gallery,

all that competence on display.

One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:

Which, coincidentally,

is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Paul and Tony.

Tony Blair's interns, Adele's knickers,

Paul McCartney and six seconds of Richard Herman's time.

Right, I don't know who Richard Herman is.

He's the man who all those people who ring you up cold calling saying,

"Can we help you with your claim for Payment Protection Insurance?"

He rang them back, said, "Stop ringing me up."

and he billed them for wasting his time.

And they paid up.

Doesn't Adele buy her knickers from Primark for a quid each?

I don't know, I haven't asked her, but looking at them...

-Is it charging per minute?

-No.

So are you saying Adele charges per minute?

You're on the right lines with cost.

WILL: McCartney charged £1

for singing at the Opening Ceremony, didn't he?

Oh, well done!

-Tony Blair's intern is the odd one out. They're paid nothing.

-Yes.

They all cost £1 except Tony Blair's interns, who work for free.

Adele's knickers cost just £1. Even better value in women's fashion

was announced this week.

You can now buy a 99p Christmas dress.

-Here it is.

-Is that its actual size?

What does the success of the 99p dress tell us about Christmas,

according to the online suppliers?

It's nearly here. It's very exciting. Christmas!

-Is that a preview of your new Christmas single?!

-It is!

You and Berlusconi walking through a winter wonderland!

Yeah! We're doing a double act!

I hope it's true!

According to the online suppliers, it tells us that...

-Peace and goodwill can go

-BLEEP

-themselves.

According to the Mail, Adele's James Bond theme for Skyfall

has rocketed to the top of the charts...

There's a Bond film out? No!

Paul McCartney was paid £1 to sing at the Olympics Opening Ceremony,

which works out at 50p for each note sung in tune.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ian and Will. Ted Heath's house, Paul Davison,

candidate for the Hull police commissioner elections,

David Icke and Gordon Brown.

Edward Heath's house was going to be turned into a museum

but then it couldn't be because they didn't have enough money.

This commissioner is going as an opposition candidate

against Prescott.

As for David Icke, well, he's nuts.

Although he's doing very well.

Go to Wembley and he's talking there and you can't get in.

-Gordon Brown.

-What is he doing now?

-I think he's just cross.

-Still?

I'll have to put you out of my misery.

They've all suffered from a poor turnout...

-Not David Icke...

-..apart from David Icke.

He drew a 6,000 crowd to his recent conspiracies lecture at Wembley.

Does anyone know Icke's central theory on

how the world is run?

People like the Royal Family, for example,

are lizards, reptiles from another planet.

Basically, aliens have invaded and we don't know.

Isn't that Mormonism?

It wasn't half an hour of stand-up, this was an 11-hour gig.

What's even more interesting than the 11 hours

you correctly say he spoke for, he did so without notes.

11 hours without notes.

He talked bollocks for 11 hours - we can all do that.

Paul Davison, who is standing for the upcoming

police commissioner election in Humberside,

was left embarrassed this week when only four people

turned up for a public meeting.

According to The Independent, out of the four people in attendance...

It gets worse, I'm afraid.

It's particularly embarrassing for Mr Davison because he is...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The former Prime Minister Gordon Brown

had to cancel a press conference at the United Nations last month

after a poor turnout. How many people

showed up to hear Gordon's thoughts on global education?

-17.

-No. According to the Telegraph...

HE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry...

-Do we know who that was?

It was the Telegraph reporter!

Some bloke saying, "You going to be much longer? I've got to lock up."

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which features as its guest publication...

Not so much unputdownable as unpickupable.

We start with...

Over Clarkson.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Strip club. That's right, isn't it?

That's extraordinary because it is strip club.

-I saw the story.

-Steven Hutchins, a JP in Maidstone,

wanted to open a strip club - there he is.

No touching. That's not a rule in the club just a bit of advice

if you meet Steven.

Next.

WILL: Wig.

Strip club again.

This is from issue 58 of the Hedgehog Newsletter.

Blender?

-Next.

-Every answer is strip club.

..caught in police raid at strip club.

Hedgehogs thrown at dartboard give a score of 4,000.

The final scores are:

Ian and Will, 6 and Paul and Tony, you also have 6.

APPLAUSE

No, since the scores are level,

let's have quick tie-break round.

Buzz when you know who this is.

BUZZER

-Winston Churchill.

-That's Shirley Bassey.

That's Winston Churchill. And this one?

BUZZER WILL: Rowan Atkinson.

Next...

-BELL

-Ian Hislop.

-Michael Barrymore.

-I knew you knew.

-Next.

-I get the tasteless one.

BUZZER

-Cliff Richard.

-Cliff Richard.

Yes. Next.

BELL

Neanderthal man.

-George Best.

-Correct.

-George Best?!

BELL

TONY: I can see who's behind. Is that Noel Edmonds?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll give you...It's Jim Davidson.

BUZZER

-Sean Connery.

-It is but that's Cliff Richard again.

This waxworks is GLORIOUSLY terrible!

BUZZER

-TONY: Cherie Blair.

-No.

-Jackie Onassis.

You've been there all night, wanting it to be her.

-Shirley Bassey?

-Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.

Paul and Tony, you're on 14. Ian and Will, you're on 9.

Robbed!

APPLAUSE

I leave you with the news that in Rome

there are suspicions that pictures of Adam and Eve

in the new illustrated edition of the Bible

might be a bit too detailed.

As Azerbaijan prepares for the Eurovision Song Contest,

they look favourites to win with a power-ballad duet.

And, after escaping from a secret research laboratory in Norwich,

a giant hedgehog avenges the death of his father.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Does it actually go fast, the Prius?

About 120.

If you push it off a cliff.