Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

You have seen this show before?, Conrad, you know what it entails?

think so. I salute your balls. I will give you the opportunity to

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 41 seconds

do just that, if you want. Who says Good evening and welcome to Have I

got News for You. In the news this week, after an impassioned speech

denying the Conservatives are a party of privilege, Ken Clarke

makes his way back to the Commons. As he and his staff are force today

relocate and rent a small office, there is evidence Andrew Mitchell

has yet to lose his sense of self- importance.

And at Washington airport there is a security alert after some idiot

leaves a bag unattended. With Ian tonight is a writer and

presenter whose engagement to David Mitchell was announced in the Times.

It only got there because News International hacked her phone,

please welcome Victoria Coran. And with Paul is a former owner of

the daily Telegraph who was imprisoned for three-and-a-half

We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Conrad, take

a look at this. This is badgers, they have called off the cull of

badgers, George Osborne is going to be culled instead apparently! This

is the badger cull that is not going to happen because there was

too many police involved in the Olympics and the police can't be

involved in the badger cull, there is more badgers than there should

be. Some of the badgers have started employing barn owls as

bouncers. It is going to be postponed until next year. I

thought some of these badgers since they couldn't be culled were being

employed as auxiliaries to go bothering people with messages on

their collars urging them to subscribe to The Times.

Yes, I have heard that as well! What was the police's role to be.

They were meant to protect the farmers against protesters who

didn't want the badgers to be culled. What is What is weird, they

said they had to cull them in the first place, because there were too

many. Now there is too many to cull. Which suggests to me they are about

to take over. We know these are wise creatures, knowledgable.

badger doesn't come out of daylight, so it is going to have to be a

night-time coup if they are going to take over the country. What are

the badgers accused of. The great train Robbie was something!

Spreading TB, that is the belief. They are accused of spreading TB,

some would say unfairly accused. Don't you hate it when that happens.

I believe you said on another matter if this is justice I am a

banana. I did. The badgers may be... Bananas yet. Who has been lobbying

on behalf of badgers. Brian May. guess between those photographs

there was a phase when he was badgery himself. Why are there so

many? They no longer consult with rats or voles. What are the

problems with the vaccine. They won't always keep their

appointments. The boom in badgers has had an effect on hedgehogs.

Hedgehogs are being edged towards endangered species. Do badgers eat

hedgehogs? Very carefully. They come with their own tooth picks.

other news, how is George Osborne dragged back into the class war

this week. He was on on a train but only had a standard class ticket

for first-class. There is conflicting accounts of what

happened next. A journalist was in the same carriage, took a picture

and put it on Twitter. Have you been around for Twitter? I missed

that Twitter, but I am aware of the phenomenon. Anything you are not up

to speed on, you just say. George Osborne doesn't seem

terribly warm. I didn't think it would be easy to feel sympathetic

towards him but it is hard to get the right train ticket. We have all

been on told you are sitting on the wrong carriage. I don't mind he

doesn't know which ticket to buy but he doesn't know which franchise

to award to who. APPLAUSE

When Mr Dis railly was the Chancellor didn't he have his own

train. Yes, to stop anywhere he wanted. Is this progress in this

country for the Chancellor to go from a private train down to being

condemned for having a first-class ticket. Yes, it is. Who was with

George Osborne at the time? assistant who he blamed, that's

government for you. She has a lovely name, Poppy Mitchell Rose,

What happened in the end? upgrade was paid. Out of George's

own pocket. He ended up coughing up �181.. I read in Vanity Fair you

said despite everything you are worth about $80 million. I said I

lost 80% of my money fighting this oppression from the United States

government. He said that leaves you with 80 million. Did they invade

you, I must have missed this. said I could live on $80 million if

that is what I had. That is the spirit. It is all right for them to

sit in first-class. You still call it a great office of state. Can't

he travel first-class? We are in the middle of this austerity thing,

did you have that What has David Cameron been saying about crimials?

Conrad. APPLAUSE

That in this great UK those officially so designated may

actually have broken the law. And that this is a departure from some

transatlantic customs. He didn't really make a decision that

innocent people should go to jail this week. Does this require the

truth? No. I know you are not use today that, Conrad. I am not used

to hearing it certainly. Really. What about from the jury? Nine

acquittals and they ran out of steam, but the Supreme Court made

up for it. You ran into jail. They found you guilty, the jury, didn't

they they? Nine acquittals complimented by unanimous vacation

of the of the four guilty verdicts by the... One for fraud and one for

on obstruction of justice. Some reciting the verdict as though it

was true. A Rhyl respect for due process, Ian. You are a banana

respect it. I am not a banana. All I am saying is that you were found

guilty of two counts which stood, you went to jail, you have come

back, you would like to be rehabilitated? No. I have been

rehabilitated and I am proud to have been cleshed by the -- cleared

by the Supreme Court. You have come here to say you are innocent, which

is sweet but not true. APPLAUSE This is the last minute

reprieve for Britain's badgers who can breathe easy now. Apart from

the thousands who have got TB. George Osborne was in trouble after

being caught in a first-class train seat with a standard class ticket.

In fairness, he had tried to sit in the quiet carriage but was asked to

leave on account of all the booing. According to the Mirror when he

arrived at Euston Mr Osborne was ush ushered out of the fr of a side

door but unfortunately the train had stopped. Also this week the

protester who jumped into the Thames to disrupt this year's boat

race was sent to jail. He almost collided with the Oxford crew by

accorded the Cox. Good luck doing that in prison. Take a look at this,

Ian and Victoria. Things are going to cheer up now,

aren't they! I am worried about this, I think I am the only person

in Britain that thinks the BBC were right not to put on that Newsnight.

You might say why do they cover it up now it's come out, there doesn't

seem to be much of a fuss. But I genuinely can understand how if you

were in charge of an organisation like that and somebody had just

died, you wouldn't necessarily think it was the right thing to put

out a programme saying they were a child moll Esther. I -- molester.

agree we should be looking at the managers at the hospitals who gave

him a room but the BBC employed him for 50 years. They did nothing

about what they got up to. That is why the Director General is in

front of a parliamentary select commitee. Was it pulled because the

BBC thought we can't disrupt our Christmas schedule by putting out a

programme that is saying actually he wasn't a great guy, look at this.

Were you hoping our answer would be funnier than this? Yes. How was the

new Director General grilled this week? The members of the cultural

select commitee had a go at him. They said he was like a suit with

no-one in it. One doesn't want to sit here and defend the BBC. One of

the high points of the select commitee was when Georgeent whistle

saying I'm not sure, and someone saying you sound like James Murdoch.

Quite a good joke. Not in The Sun. George Entwhistle tas taken on the

job recently. Mr Nentwhistle was in charge of television when the

programme was pulled. There was a very good panorama

about Newsnight and then next week there is a Newsnight about panorama.

This idea that changing the schedules is a big deal, no it

isn't, Dad's Army and again and again. Played by Phillip mad OK who

was a Welsh man. Arthur Lowe refused to have it written into his

contract that he couldn't appear without any trousers. It makes him

unique at the BBC in the '70s. Did you see how unco-operative

Jeremy Paxman was this week. Have you got comments about the

Newsnight investigation? No, have you?

He's very aggressive. I found him very co-operative. Let's look at

you with Paxman. Let me tell you something, I am proud of having

gone through the terribly difficult process of being falsely charged,

falsely convicted, and ultimately almost completely vindicated,

without losing my mind, becoming irrational, and actually being able

to endure discussion like this without getting up and smashing

your face in, which is what most people would do. Go ahead.

Did that feel good? Not as good as doing it!

I like Jeremy, he's an asshole. It's unbelievable you get away with

that really, a man asking you questions about being a fraudster

and you say he's an asshole. Moving on, which other much loved and

respected TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished by a

new investigation. Pudsey. It's Piers Morgan isn't it. What is the

story. It looked for a while that only News International were going

to get blamed for phone hacking but now would you believe it, someone

has taken a civil action against The Mirror group. Four people. The

editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan. Who is innocent.

He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.

Most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography. What does Jeremy

Paxman have to say about Piers. He said over a lunch at the Mirror he

explained Paxman would be a fool not to have a security setting on

his voicemail. Piers Morgan laughed this off and

says he can't remember any of the details. He has a patchy memory. He

said of Jimmy Savile, I never met him. Yet in his book, also printed

What do you think of Piers Morgan, coffin rad? -- Conrad He wanted to

come and visit me in prison and I told I would be happy to receive

him, but then I am afraid he bottled out. Suppose I was afraid

once admitted in he wouldn't be allowed out, or something like that.

This is the embarrassingly inept handling of the Jimmy Savile

scandal. Here is Helen Boaden. Sorry, there we go.

Until this week, that was her most uncomfortable moment. And so to

A 3D printer. Isn't that called a telly porter. Feed yourself in one

end and come out the other end. are still in the same room but you

have just gone through a machine. Here it is.

Technology for you. Do you want to know how it works. You press a

button and it comes out the other end. Nobody knows. How did it get

there in the first place. Here is The Independent's science

correspondent's attempt. What can you create with it?

How would you make a gun? You might press a wrong button and get 100

prosthetic legs. Using this technology the University of

Washington has proposed create ago 3D shop, or as laiman would call it,

It's Obama and Donald Trump but he said something about the President

this week. He accused him of being a blow hard. The President

demonstrated he could scarcely move Donald's wig. It's not a wig, is it

who would buy a wig that looked like that. Does he believe the

President wasn't born in an American state. Yes. Despite him

having shown his birth certificate. Do you know Donald Trump? He is a

loyal friend and after what I have been put to in the last nine years,

aattach a great premium to that, and I think Donald is a fine man

but he is an acquired taste. What did he promise earlier this week?

Didn't he make a bet about the birth certificate? He said he had a

revelation that could change the result of the election. All he has

to do to get $5 million for a charity or charities of his choice

is get his colleges to immediately give his applications and records

and also to release his passport records. When he does that to my

satisfaction, if it is complete, this cheque is delivered

immediately. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this

happen. Frankly, it's a cheque that I very much want to write. Just

write it. Look at the light falling on his hair!

I like the idea you could pay to see records from politicians, you

could bid for that. I would pay �100 to see George Osborne's O-

level maths paper. I love the way Donald Trump can say I want it to

be shown to my satisfaction. You think, no, he's the President, you

are a man with stupid hair. What do wags at the Guardian do with

reference to to to Trump's offer? On the subject of people with

questionable air, who else has waded in? Is it Wayne Rooney?

Obama's elderly grat mother lives in the UK. According to seasoned

political commentators, The Sun they said:

Wayne's cheat was said to be a game-changing endorsement.

Wayne Rooney stayed up late to watch all three presidential

debates. Time for the odd one out round. Of

Or son Wells, Dawn French, Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.

Is Antony Worrall Thompson never not the odd man out. There is

definitely a picture of Conrad Black. You must have been so sorry

you wore that concert. It was the only one left at Angels. I was an

order cardinal. My wife didn't have a cos cos costume. She came as a

barmaid. When you say your wife didn't have a costume! Who is the

odd one out? Dawn French has appeared as a vicar. All the others

Can anyone else think of another role Orson Wells played? Citizen

Kane. Yes, a power crazed multi- millionaire newspaper tycoon who

face as humiliating demise on account of his own greed.

Why Is he dressed adds a cardinal? Imagine how he felt when they took

that hat off and found an Edam. Here is Conrad dressed as a

cardinal on his way to becoming He said that again on this

programme. Conrad tried to dismiss ace choice of outfit saying it was

the only one available at the costumier before the party.

Time for the missing word round, which this week features Fraud

Focus. We start with:

Yorkshire housewife. Monkey. Heterosexual anthem. Yes, is not

gay is the answer. I made that up. This is the

insistance from the village people their song YMCA is not gay.

Next, BBC producers advised what? Advised to step aside. Advised by

national fraud authority. The greatest risk of data theft is

personal information given by women shopping for clothes online.

Luckily none of the information is Mobile phone. Right. A new phone.

According to his insurers a farmer claimed for a new phone after he

lost his iPhone after using it as a torch to look up the rear of a cow.

Was there nothing on the TV that night? He was only looking up there

for his balls. He was only looking up there to find his iPad.

Finally, chef turns what in what. Left into driveway.

Is it food into meal? It is cottage pie into smoothy.

The most popular smoothies in Britain are Innocent, as are all of

our panellists tonight! The final scores are Ian and

Victoria have five and Paul and Before we go, there's just time for

the caption competition. BBC cover-up reaches new low.

Thank you to our panellists. I leave you with news that in Texas

there is a worrying moment for Lance Armstrong when his dog

swallows the contents of his medical bag!

BBC executives under go a training exercise on how to react to bad