Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

In the news this week, as the major parties give up for the next

election, one householder is just a few seconds too late in pretending

he's not at home. In Dover, customs and excise put

together a crack team to deal with a sudden influx of black-market

sausages. And as the trial of Rebekah Brooks

gets under way, the foreman of the jury takes no chances when an advert

for private time magazine pops up online. -- for Private Eye magazine.

On Ian's team tonight is a radical economist and critic of corrupt

youngster style finances who refers to bankers as banks does. Please

welcome Max Keiser. And with Paul tonight is a surreal

Canadian stand-up comedian who was recently described as "the sherpa of

stand-up". Well, he has certainly got me tensing! Please welcome Tony

Law. And we start with the bigger stories

of the week. Ian and Max, take a look at this. I wonder what this is

about! This is the trial of the century. And I think that's about

it. Next round. It was revealed today they were having an affair

with each other for about six years. That is what the prosecution says.

Yes, you are right. The trial kicked off this week but, not surprisingly,

Private Eye found itself on the front pages this week for the first

time since it declared itself a banana. We ran a cover saying,

horror, which costume withdrawn from shops, and put a picture of Rebekah

Brooks with it. Can I let people know precisely what the judge says

as he held up a copy of Private Eye in court? He told jurors, it is one

of those things you will have to ignore. A joke that in the

circumstances of today is a joke and especially bad taste. It is meant to

be satire. It has no serious input. Do we know what New Zealanders had

to put up with from police in nearby newsstands? -- news vendor 's? I

think one of them was asked to move a copy from display, and he said,

said... Have you got a court order for this? And he said, -- they said,

no, and he said, get lost, and carried on selling it. The chairman

of the Conservative Party said if the BBC had any more perceived bias,

then it may well have its licence fee cut. And the BBC is set up by

Royal Charter, and is independent, and therefore would never be

interfered with by, say, the chairman of the Conservative Party,

threatening to cut its licence fee. Just an argument. The Privy Council

met the Queen about the Royal Charter and The Independent also

revealed she met the Afghan president, Hamid Karzai. I think

that is Hugh Grant just slipping off... He seems to have got confused

with some curtains on the way out! Who is the Lord President of the

Council and the fourth most powerful person in the land? Nick Clegg!

LAUGHTER Don't laugh! If Nick Clegg is the

fourth most powerful person in the land, who is above him? I think the

Prime Minister counts. William Hague? George Osborne? The Queen?

That bloke off Strictly. It does actually say on my card" Simon

Cowell". Would use -- you like to see the picture from The Guardian?

Why on earth did they bother? Look at the Queen! I can't believe it is

him! She wants to know why have private bodyguards have taken away a

copy of Private Eye. And on the subject of two men stood next to a

very tiny woman, did you see the Chinese politicians? A photo of an

old woman, but the cameraman could not get all of them in the picture.

They photo shopped it and this is how it turned out. Well, you can see

why they would visit her because she is exceptionally small! It looks

like a British care home! Are you getting enough to eat? I might take

a home for my daughter. There you go. Little, old Chinese lady! So,

this is the start of the News International phone hacking trial.

Mr Justice Saunders warned jurors not to go online and read blogs by

actors. What you grant. -- or Hugh Grant. The Department for media

culture and sport claims that the new system will defend press freedom

in the same way the Department of the Environment defends badgers.

Paul and Tony, look at this. That is a man in 1946 and there's another

man coming in. Oh... Yes, I thought you'd say that! There's a man with a

magnifying glass. It is about the Americans and Angela Merkel and it

has been going on for years, apparently. Apparently spying going

on in Spain, France, everywhere else it seems. And this came to light

how? Well, the NSA have been spying and doing all these things and now

it is out in the open. This is the progression of it all. Celebrity

hacks in the US have used the technology to get into the phones of

these celebrities. There is no health care in America but they can

spy celebrities using the NSA technology brilliantly! And the

leader! Yes! Well, the German leader was there four. The Kaiser kittens!

She said it wasn't friendly. She said it is really not on. She is

always grumpy, though. It is because everybody keeps calling her Angela.

What phone did she have for four years? BlackBerry. Apparently she

was very happy with it. Here she is looking happy with it! And it was

not just heard they were listening in to. How many world leaders? 35.

Spot-on! One point for that. I was briefed by the NSA before coming on.

There's a Spanish, Angela Merkel and 34 others. That is 33 others! Does

anybody know what the French security services used to do to try

to gather information when they were spying on business people in the

1990s? Bilingual chickens? Sneaking. They just snuck around.

Just sneaking. They installed microphones under the seats of

first-class passengers on air France flights. What did the Russians

discover was spying on them this week? Space monkeys. The Chinese?

Investigators discovered that kettles imported from China contains

by microchips which can pump out spam data that scrambles Wi-Fi. The

Bond films are way behind, aren't they?! You don't all guns and

things. You want kettles! On, leave it alone, it will boil in five

minutes! -- 007. Which power? It is Google. They say, we have long been

concerned about the possibility of this kind of snooping. And here is

David Drummond. We just found this on Google Street View. It is nothing

to do with anything but finally, shall we have a quick look at an ITN

report of a man who was paddling a giant pumpkin to the Isle of Wight?

Yes! He has spent several days testing the giant vegetable in

Portsmouth to make sure it wouldn't sink. He is joking back in a runner

bean. Nice work! Doesn't get better than

that! Yes, it does. He needs a jack-o'-lantern. We don't really do

Halloween here. Is it better than "trick or treat it, trick or treat"?

You come over here with your ghastly skeletons, scaring children, rather

than having a perfectly nice evening setting fire to a Catholic! This is

the continuing fallout from the US spying scandal. Germany is

particularly upset at being spied on by the US, according to one news

website, who said, the row over the alleged spying has led to the worst

diplomatic crisis between the two countries in living memory.

LAUGHTER That's kind of depends how old you

are, doesn't it? The Spanish newspaper El Mundo published a

leaked graphic showing the daily flow of phone calls within Spain,

which presumably looked something like this... Ian and Max, here is

another for you. A train. Now that's a proper train! That's the

two Eds. Two are better than one, but not in this case! They are

building this enormous boondocks up north. In economics it is a big

freaking waste of money! And if you really want to get the economy

going, give everybody free access to broadband. Are rather take the

train! But it can't get to Birmingham fast enough. Only

virtual! So this is the wise investment /catastrophic

investment... The Labour Party have said it was their idea originally to

do it but now the Tories have to do it they don't want to do it any

more. And have you heard about the dire consequences? The precise words

were... It is just hard to imagine what that would be like, isn't it!

Do you know this week's figure of how much it will cost? I think it is

130 zillion! The current budget is 50 billion, although one independent

study says 80 billion. You have Mark Carney as the Bank of England... You

can just print it! That is what he is therefore! Just print! Print it!

Doesn't matter whether it is 100, 200 billion. As long as you don't

mind paying extra for energy and food, that is just inflation. Just

print money! It is fine! Just put the money on a train and take it to

Birmingham! One hour and 20 minutes to Birmingham. It is too long! I've

got stuff to do in Birmingham! I've got concrete to poor! It doesn't

pour itself, you know. That sheds 20 minutes off of me in to Birmingham

of pouring concrete! Labour are considering a cheaper alternatives

to HS2. What is it? Making everything downhill. Is it reversing

all the Beeching cuts? Who's was this? It is the old Grand Central

line through Rugby town in Sheffield, which was closed, when?

64. 66. How useless! I thought they were just going to say, get rid of

Birmingham! What?! All that concrete he has at home!

Pardon? Would you mind saying that again? Some people would pay good

money for that! We don't mind having a whip round! I

reckon you might know who this guy is. He bought ?16 worth of what?

Bitcoin. He kept them and they are worth $900,000. Can you explain what

it claimed is? It is an electronic annoying you can use like money, but

you have no state interference, they cannot print it -- it is an

electronic card. Somebody bought $1 million worth of hardware. In

Cyprus, when the banking system started to collapse, the adoption

Bitcoin skyrocketed, and in Greece and Venezuelan. Those stable

examples? It is an alternative currency.

Somebody spent 1 million on hardware? That is a lot of nails!

1 million? But he has a good kick in Birmingham! On the subject of

trading in nonexisting commodities, what has happened to JP Morgan? Babe

paid off alien dollars fine for mortgages they mis-sold. -- they

paid off $1 billion. They are a serial fraudster. They may pay fines

of up to $13 billion. Speaking of unpopular millionaires, which other

unpopular millionaires have been grilled recently? Power company

executives? Don't get me started! We are way past that! We are looking at

alternative remedies! The readers of the Big Six energy companies were

called in front of the Commons Select Committee to explain this. A

lots did not turn up, five could not be bothered. The only one of the big

suck -- the Big Six to turn up, I have just noticed he is called Tony

Cocker! Pardon? It was funny the first time. Did anyone see a

pensioner venting her anger on the energy supplier through video games

on grand theft auto? No! It does not look as good as it does in the

actual game. Hello, what do you do for a living? Work for British Gas?

You take that! One for you! And one for you! I will give you one as

well! You come here, I will get you! Comeback!

Paul and Tony, this is another one for you.

Magical car around on its own. Invisible man. Is it about a new car

being developed? A new car that is tiny. And you can shrink and become

invisible and drive it. That is a new scheme, it comes in. 98 billion.

That will get us to Birmingham quicker. It did, it said Brom on it.

-- bRUM. There maybe a car which drives itself and you wake up in the

morning and there will be a bed you will end up outside a place you need

to be. That is around 120 billion? That is what you said about the jet

pack. There is a reason that did not take off! This is the exciting

transport innovation of the driverless car.

This example will be on the pavements of Britain I2015. Who is

behind the scheme? A sadist. According to the mail, David Willets

and Vince Cable and funding from the transport catapult. 50 million, they

getting. According to David Willets, you said

macro cars free people to work, eat and sleep as they travel. We can

have a look at one of these cars. We could really relax in that. I am

so relaxed, I have dressed like a serial killer! The driverless car

will be hitting the streets at the start of 2015 and hitting a

pedestrian seconds later. The man who invented the doner kebab died

this week and was varied in a simple casting covered in unnecessary

salad. Round two now, The Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buses. --

BUZZERS. It is a dog in a Yorkshire pudding. It is the first dog to take

a Yorkshire pudding across the Channel.

The Duke shepherding and the York carrier indicate we are talking

about Yorkshire, one of the greatest places in the world. -- Terrier. My

favourite part of Yorkshire is North Derbyshire. The lonely and that died

has declared as places to visit, Yorkshire is the third best region

to visit -- the lonely plant. And Scotland is the third best country.

God bless you for that! Which countries are more welcoming than

Scotland? It is Brazil. Then Antarctica. This is the story that

Yorkshire has been named third best region in the world. In July next

year, Yorkshire will host the first two stages of the Tour de France,

with a flat stage from Leeds to Harrogate, a hilly journey from York

to Sharon get -- to Sheffield, expected to be won by an old man in

a bad job. The first Indian to play for Yorkshire was Sachin Tendulkar.

Geoffrey Boycott lavished him with his highest praise, describing him

as, rubbish. Tony and Paul? Britney Spears, the

Somali parrots are being put of attacking ships because they are

playing her music very loud. They hear an album and go back to

Somalia. He is disturbed that she is singing and that is what it is. This

is the news the music of Britney Spears is being used to scare off

pirates, apparently they prefer Arrr Kelly. Any ideas which songs are

being played? I do not know her work. Perhaps you are an expert, it

Iain. -- Ian. There are so many I could say. Hit me baby one more

time, according to the sun. Somali pirates are against violence. They

are not against -- they are against Haiti violence. -- hitty. Ships of

the coast of Africa have been keeping pirates at babe by blasting

songs by Britney is Beers who is scaring off pirates mainly because

when Africans hear the sound of a washed-up American pop star, they

assume she has come to adopt their children. -- Whitney Speirs. Time

for the missing words round which features parrot, the magazine of the

Parrot Society UK. Whatever it has to say, we have heard it all before!

And we start with... The answer is, he came out with a

chattering worry. Next.

Knob. Just got it out on Newsnight. Put it awake, man! People respect

you. -- away. That he is a pretty boy? Jeremy Paxman routinely

approaches people who drop litter on the street, and also people who

don't! Riding Shergar in Zimbabwe. Found

his employer a bit merger we. -- murdery. Lord Lucan was on the back

the whole time. Found in the attic. It is. Next. By looking up.

Get on-the-job! I never disclosing where they live. -- I never. You can

always tell when a parrot thief is about to break into your house, he

will climb up a ladder and ring a bell. Next. Twirk. What is that? A

demonstration says so much more than words! I cannot work, I am allergic

to shoes. That is something I would have said. And finally. We well not

to let him go. -- will not. He doesn't like his middle name.

Something a parrots says? A parrot has been living next to a mosque.

Yes. I just made that up. This is from parrot magazine, free in this

month 's issue is a line-up for your bird cage. It makes a great

absorbent line-up, is what I meant. The final schools are, Max and Ian

have seven, Tony and Paul have eight!

Before we go, time for the caption competition.

Mine is a bit tight! Mine is all right, really!

Why did we have to meet in this industry wasteland?

A magic spot in Yorkshire! On which note, we say thank you to our

panellists. And I leave you with the news that on the set of new

Transformers movie, one of the extras gives up queueing for the

toilets. Deep in the Mediterranean,

archaeologists discovered the Lost City of Atlantis was flooded during

an ancient -- during an ancient Minoan Party Conference. And after

severing his hand in a Thresher, a Yorkshire farmer celebrates the

first stage of grafting on a replacement.