Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alexander

Armstrong. In the news this week, at a party in Berlin there are joyous

scenes as both sides celebrate the anniversary of the end of the Cold

War. In the kitchen of a Beijing

restaurant, there's evidence the temperature of the new deep fat

fryer may have been a little low. And at his family bonfire party in

the Cotswolds, Richard Hammond regrets putting Jeremy Clarkson in

charge of the fireworks. On Paul's team is an MEP whose

controversial remarks about women to the media took attention away from

the UKIP conference. So this is our chance to thank him in person.

Please welcome Godfrey Bloom. And with Ian tonight is a journalist

and broadcaster who once said about sexism, "You still get some

perfectly harmless old man looking down your top and saying you're a

healthy young lady." Presumably she'd already met Godfrey. Please

welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell. And we start with the big stories of

the week. Paul and Godfrey, here's your question. A big news story but

legally we are not allowed to comment on it, so off you go, good

luck. I don't know who these people are! I

have no idea what the building is. That's the Prime Minister. I have no

idea... I don't know. How dare you associate the Prime Minister with

this trial. I didn't think I had. It's a fair cop, guv. I can't say

who these people are? You're right first time, you can't. We're allowed

to report the facts. Oh, right. 1066 was the Battle of Hastings. I know

the BBC are very jumpy about saying anything at all about that. As one

of the few people who the Attorney General has said has not committed

any contempt, I would say my judgement on what you can say is

better than theirs. That's right. Wandsworth Prison is very easy to

get to for me. I can visit two or three times a week. You should make

all your comments in code. Yes, I could say, Fraulein, I thought ze

cathedral was on ze other side of ze square. How dare you! Ze pigeons fly

high above zat house tonight. The fat lady has brought a dinner but

she does not want dessert. There you are. You can't go to prison for

saying that. You can get switched off but not sent to prison. There is

one High Court case we can talk about. Do you want to see Bernie

Ecclestone turning up? He was baffled by the concept of revolving

doors. So far, so good. Now, just walk out. LAUGHTER.

That door is locked. He has got to wait for somebody to go and get him.

This is the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson. Since we can't

make jokes about the defendants, let's make jokes about you, Godfrey.

Here's what you got up to 30 years ago on your stag night.

You can't see it but she has just withdrawn the whip. Oh, happy days.

Did the woman just come along to do that or what she one of your

friends? She came along to do that. I think

my brother-in-law had a go as well. Fortunately, somebody stumped up for

it. It wasn't me. It was a chum of mine paid. I thought she was very

entrepreneurial, really. So... LAUGHTER. This week it was reported

that the Mirror Group is facing 55 claims of phone hacking. Before we

are not allowed to talk about that case, can I just say peers Morgan is

a total arse. He tweeted that I should be put in jail for two years

at the beginning of last week, saying I committed contempt of

court. He said that in the morning before the Attorney General ruled

that I hadn't. In fact, he was in contempt and should go to jail for

two years. Ian and Victoria, here is your new story. That is Rebekah

Brooks. Who is that? Oh, Lord. It's Theresa May, but it's like looking

in a mirror. I'm always doing that. She's has just fallen off the shoe.

After the photograph of Mr Bloom, I was so relieved to see a burka. You

know the world is still run by men when any women are wearing either a

burka or hot pants. Feminism will have won when everybody is just in a

nice comfy knee-length stress with a cardigan.

I couldn't agree more. So, I think the story was about a man dressed in

a burka. ?YELLOW Ironically. The first woman ever to be liberated by

wearing a burka. He was tagged, wasn't he? He was under close

surveillance and he managed to nip into a mosque in Acton, change into

a burka and run for it. I was interested about these curfews.

There are eight of them. It's called the T-Pimms. It's T-Pimms o'clock,

isn't it, Alexander? Just about. Oh, somebody has absconded. Is G4S in

charge? It is. I didn't want to create any more legal problems. This

is him before and after. That's him leaving the mosque on the right.

There was something ironic about the timing of this incident. Earlier

that day, he absconded. The case against him for tampering with his

tag had been dropped. They said he wasn't guilty of tampering with it.

Got a bit more now, though, haven't they? According to the Times, the

tags had been... Five times a day? That's going to

work any tag loose. You can't tell. The tag might still be on. He might

be limping. You've got to assume it's not. Otherwise they would've

brought him in. Oh, it's G4S. I like the idea of being addicted to

wiggling, like your stag night, Mr Bloom. There was a lot of wiggling

that night, I can tell you. Can we see the picture again? Bless her,

she's doing such a good job of smiling. Amazing.

I was a good-looking dude in those days, Victoria.

You're good-looking now but it is possible that standing there in just

her pants while a man in a suit rubs his face in her tits wasn't the

greatest night of her life. APPLAUSE.

She got 100 quid for it so she must have thought it was reasonably OK.

That's the UKIP policy. If you charge 100 quid for it, it's fine.

Back to Mohammed for a second... There's a gear change! As you said,

G4S were the people who provided the tags. They are in charge of the

monitoring. The Serious Fraud Office has launched a criminal

investigation into G4S, along with another company, Serco, in relation

to tagging. The Guardian explains... As I say, G4S deny any wrongdoing at

all. And those 3,000 nonexistent people voted Labour in Falkirk.

This is the male terrorist... He worked for The Mail?! That is a

story. The male terror suspect who escaped by putting on a burka and

sneaking out of a mosque disguised as a woman. You would think he would

be easy to spot, but to be fair to the security services they were too

busy reading our e-mails. Boris Johnson has branded the

terrorist's escape as absurd... And also highly embarrassing, as he'd

just tried to chat him up at a bus stop.

Paul and Godfrey, here's another one for you. Yes, this is payday loans.

She's very happy, look. It's raining fake money where she is. It's

something to do with payday loans. Do know what's happened to them this

week? Some of them have been called before Parliament committees to

defend their business. That is exactly right. They were accused of

something terrible by money expert Martin Lewis at the hearing. People

are complaining that they were advertising on children's

programmes. Exactly, he said they were grooming children. That's a bit

much, isn't it? I know they are full, but... Why did he say that?

Children see the adverts, they say to their parents, why don't you

borrow money? Exactly. Then I can have some of it. This happened to my

friend, who is a poker player. He has a little gold camel for luck

which he puts on his cards, and one time he was getting his stuff

together for a poker tournament and he said, "where is my camel?", and

his son, who is three, said, "you can convert that old gold into

cash." Apparently they are grooming the next generation of borrowers.

Martin Lewis said: isn't one of them Earl Wonga?

I don't know if he is an earl. I may have just given him a title. I

thought that was his Christian name, I didn't realise he was a belted

earl. Oh, no, I think he donated a large sum to the Conservative Party!

Do you want to see the cute Wonga puppets? Yes. Here they are. It's

you, Godfrey! With a couple of what you would call absolute corkers. You

know how much it costs to borrow ?1 for one day from Wonga? ?1000. It is

going to sound pathetic but ?6.57 to borrow a pound for a day. Do you

know what the current interest rate is with Wonga? It's in its

thousands. That's more than the power companies!

What is the big glitzy film premiere in London? Wonga have made a film.

Absolutely right, Wonga the movie. They've released a film featuring

people who have borrowed from the firm. Unusually, for Wonga, there is

zero percent interest. LAUGHTER. What do you mean it is a film? You

can go and see it at the cinema? No, you can't go and see Wonga the

movie. You buy your ticket but you have to pay it back by the end. Who

else was grilled by MPs? Spies. Spies, the three Secret Service

agencies, which are? MI5. MI6. Google. Talking of unpopular

organisations, what have Ryanair been up to this week? They are

upgrading, aren't they? Are they? I think they're getting better. I

think they've put a lavatory in and all sorts of wonderful things.

LAUGHTER. They're getting rid of the outdoor seats. Clutching to the

wing. The head of Ryanair, Michael Leary, has promised to stop

unnecessarily pissing people off. He promised to overhaul the website,

saying... What will you soon be able to do if

you pay an extra five pounds? You can have a number two? No, it's more

basic than that. Number one? You can choose your own seat. On the subject

of air travel, what did we learn this week about women pilots? Oh,

God. I don't know, I'm just dreading where this is going. They are

better. Survey found that 51% of passengers wouldn't trust a woman

pilot. The survey was commissioned by a travel agent who surveyed 49

normal people then repeatedly asked Godfrey. LAUGHTER.

I am doing you a terrible disservice. I feel sure you are far

more enlightened than that. I know you said that women are not very

good drivers, but they are much better than men at finding the

mustard in the pantry. And I wondered, was that a euphemism?

LAUGHTER. Have you often found yourself with

women, and you feel like you have been rummaging for ages in the

pantry...? She is screaming, you just cannot find the mustard. Just

wondered where that came from? Are we talking French or English? This

is the Parliamentary enquiry which saw a bunch of greedy money-grabbing

bastards interviewing Wonga. There is some dispute as to where the name

Wonga comes from, for most people it is a slang term for money, although

for one man, it is the capital of Bongo Bongo Land. What did you mean?

Do you remember? The point that I was making is that it is a rather

ridiculous thing to send ?1 billion away when we are closing our

hospitals and schools to Bongo Bongo Land. It is specifically Africa you

meant, isn't it? Broadly speaking, yes. One thing I have been proud of

is opening that national debate, Bongo or not Bongo. So you have

influenced, by making a mildly racist remark, you have influenced

the government into changing its aid policy? So it would appear, Ian.

Well then, that proves you are mad. LAUGHTER. Ian and Victoria, here is

another one for you. That is a Tory MP. That is another one. That's

Shapps. And that is Ed Miliband, who is clapping his speech. Nobody else

will. He might as well. MPs in trouble, isn't it?

MPs in trouble, yes. The top man is Mr Pritchard. He made some

unfortunate remarks to an undercover Daily Telegraph reporter about

whether he could help setting up a company in Albania, and he said, he

knew everyone, he was very influential, could he have three

grand? He says that has been wildly misinterpreted as suggesting in some

way he would take money, but he has referred himself to the

Parliamentary standards committee. He says he wants to prove his

innocence. It is self referral. Yes. Somebody must look into this

man. I don't know what he has done, but someone should get to the bottom

of it. Who did he claim was his best friend? He said, I like this one, he

said he knew the mayor. And this minister in Albania. The

Prime Minister. The Prime Minister. He said we could meet the great and

the good, we will meet the Prime Minister, blah blah. Impressive, he

even knows his name. What do we know about Mr Pritchard? Is he the one

that was rude to the speaker in a corridor? John Bercow told him to

stand aside as he walked down the corridor. Mr Pritchard said you are

not BLEEP royalty, Mr Speaker. Bercow had no alternative but to

walk straight between his legs. In other denial news, what denial was

made on David Cameron's behalf? Somebody said he was not at a party.

He wasn't at a party and then he was. Downing Street did not reply to

the question. Matthew Freud, whose party it was, were you there?

I was there. It was lovely. Tell us all about it. If you remember one of

those parties, you weren't really there.

So the Prime Minister was there. He was there. I don't think he ever

said he wasn't, I think Downing Street didn't reply. Matthew Freud

said he wasn't. Matthew Freud initially said that, I suspect, he

thought, it is my party, my business. I will lie about it if I

want to. It is only the Prime Minister and a PR man. Why should we

be interested in their relationship? I mean, this party, Tony Blair was

there. Well, that makes it clean. What other guests were there?

Genghis Khan? Dr Shipman popped in? A lovely party. It was a lovely

party. I'm sure it was. Did Jimmy Savile do karaoke?

Anyway, what about Ed Miliband, what has he denied doing? Is that about

the Falkirk thing? It was about Falkirk. It's like the Wire. I feel

like I missed an episode and now I'm absolutely lost. The thing that has

changed this week is they said there was vote rigging, and there was a

witness, and then the union said, no, she's withdrawn her testimony,

she said there wasn't any vote rigging. So Ed Miliband said, she

has withdrawn her testimony, no need, I would look into it. Now the

woman has said, I didn't withdraw my testimony, there was vote rigging

and I'm sticking to what I said. So people said, Ed, are you going to

reopen your enquiry because this woman says she was leaned on by the

unions to change her testimony? And he said, absolutely not, I'm just

monitoring events. I'm just seeing what is happening. Leave me alone!

I'm trying to do my job. Which is lose.

What does Grant Shapps deny doing? He used to run a company under

another name. He was Michael Green. Yes. Nothing dodgy about that at

all. The company was investigated, wasn't it? The police said there may

have been fraud but we are drawing a line under it, it is all over. Do

you want to see Grant Shapps being pursued by Michael Crick? Is it

across open countryside? There doesn't appear to be a

Stockheath anywhere in the world. There doesn't appear to be a

Stockheath anywhere in the world. Is she genuine? Is Richard Wharton of

Tektriox New York genuine? Is JLM Richards? Where is Bernie Ecclestone

when you need him? Godfrey, you had your time with

Crick, haven't you? Yes, handle him with a rolled up magazine is my way

of dealing with Crick. Shall we watch that? That is quite fun. That

is all a bit of fun. What do you make of the front cover of your

conference brochure with no black faces on it? What a racist comment

is that? How dare you? That's an appalling thing to say. You are

picking people out for the colour of their skin. You disgust me. Get out

of my way. I mean, I'm making the point that you haven't got... What

is appalling about making that point? You, sir, are a racist. Why

am I a racist? You take this and you've checked out the colour of

peoples' faces? You disgrace. Disgraceful. LAUGHTER.

There is a moment there when you come over all Gyles Brandredth. Can

you rephrase that? LAUGHTER. I've got it in my head now. And on

to round two and in honour of one of our guest's controversial comments

about women who don't clean behind the fridge we'll take a look and see

which stories are lurking behind Godfrey Bloom's Fridge Of News. Buzz

in when you know what the story is. Yes, Victoria and Ian.

It's a rocket, going to Mars. That's right. And the Indians have launched

it and the Chinese failed and the Indians are going to succeed.

They're going to get a rocket to go all the way to Mars.

Absolutely right, an unmanned mission this was. But only to start

with. There's going to be people on it eventually. Shouldn't they have

been on it at the beginning? How much does the UK provide to India in

aid annually? A couple of hundred million? 280 million, according to

the Express. How much is India's Mars mission thought to cost? 280

million. ?45 million. They've managed to find a way of getting to

Mars for 0.01% of the cost of our proposed route from London to

Birmingham. Fingers on the buzzers, teams. Let's

see what else is behind Godfrey Bloom's Fridge Of News.

It's Paxman. It is Pax. He said he doesn't vote. He interviewed Russell

Brand and gave Russell Brand a hard time for not voting. It's quite

strange though because in the interview he kept using the phrase

"can't be arsed". He kept saying, "You can't be arsed to vote." You

know, it didn't quite ring true as a thing you would think Jeremy Paxman

would say and then a few days later he sort of came out and said, "I

gave Russell Brand a hard time but actually I don't vote either." And I

wonder if he hasn't started thinking that he wants to be Russell Brand.

Yes. There's no other explanation. Definitely.

We're going to see him in necklaces by the end of the week. Yes. I think

he was just indulgent, wasn't he? He just didn't ask him any questions

and didn't challenge anything and just smiled at him. I just thought,

gosh, you've got a beard as well. If you watched the footage though,

Russell Brand is really flirting with him. It's sort of brilliant.

Paxman kind of melts under the charm. Russell Brand is sort of

tickling him and teasing him and going, "Come on, Jeremy." It is,

it's like watching Mr Paxman falling in love.

Godfrey, you quite like voting with your feet, don't you? We've got an

impressive demonstration of that. Here you with Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

The trouble is if you won't elucidate what was in your mind,

because you claim you can't remember, it's a bit difficult. I

can tell you what was in my mind but you won't let me speak and it's ?1

billion a month going where we don't know where it goes. I'm not

interested in that. I'm interested in why you use the phrase. I'm

saying you should be. Move on. Move on, there's a good fellow. I'm not

going to move on until we've got to the bottom of why you used this

phrase. Well, if you're not going to move on, I don't think there's much

point in continuing it, is there. If you're not going to talk about

serious issues. Are you giving up? There's no point in continuing it.

Are you giving up, Mr Bloom? I can't be bothered with you.

That was a less flirtatious interview.

Yes, I can tell you, I do not fancy Murphy, or whatever his name is. Why

has he got an Irish name anyway that's what I don't understand.

Murthy, Murthy. Right, sorry. Sorry, look, I don't want to have a

row but why shouldn't he have an Irish name? I mean, why shouldn't

he? Why do you ask that question? Because he's got a Welsh accent.

Geography is not his strong point. Time now for the odd one out round.

One between you. This week, Dick Van Dyke's car, an egg in Fenchurch

Street, Tutankhamun, and Gwyneth Paltrow's dinner. Right, Dick Van

Dyke recently was in the news about two or three months ago.

He's still around, he's still going, but his car caught fire in America

so that's the reason why, something about a car catching fire.

Tutankhamun, there was a report looking at the injuries of

Tutankhamun that suggested he may have been killed on the battlefield

by being hit in the side by a chariot. The egg in Fenchurch Street

Station, that must be about the heat. Dick Van Dyke and the egg are

both nearly cooked and Gwyneth Paltrow's dinner is never hot enough

so Tutankhamun is the odd one out. You've got the wrong odd one out,

but you're on exactly the right trail. The egg is the odd one out

because it didn't cause a car accident. There was no car involved.

It nearly did, but it didn't. Somebody was driving along and saw

an egg, "Is that an egg?" They stopped just in time. Dick Van

Dyke's in his car going, "It must be Mary Poppins..." He's on fire.

Tutankhamun said... So the egg is the odd one out. You're right about

the fire. What fire? You're right about the fire.

Did I mention fire? Dick Van Dyke's car... Dick Van Dyke's car was on

fire? Was on fire. You were right about that. That was absolutely

right, that's key. That's key. So it's temperature, it's temperature.

Victoria, have you got any ideas? OK, so it's relevant that there's

fire. This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow, it's the dinner. They've all been

exposed to fire except the egg, which cooked without it. That's

right. Is that right? Well done. That is right. That is right.

They've all caught fire unexpectedly except the egg in Fenchurch Street,

which was cooked to perfection by the glare of the sun reflected by

the walkie-talkie building opposite. I don't think an egg cooked on the

pavement can be described as cooked to perfection. Yes, the same

architect who's Uruguayan, called Rafael Vinoly, he also designed a

hotel in Las Vegas with exactly the same problem. Exactly the same

thing. It's worth remembering the name of that guy, very much the G4S

of architects. King Tutankhamun, experts said the mummy of King

Tutankhamun spontaneously combusted after it was embalmed. A virtual

autopsy suggests his death was due to a trauma that is apparent down

the left-hand side of his body. No doubt caused by having to spend his

life standing like this. Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed that

her husband Chris Martin has only twice made dinner for her and on

both occasions they had to call the fire brigade. Still, they and their

children were unscathed. It would be awful if they'd ended up with baked

apple. Oh. Time now for the missing words round, which this week

features as its guest publication Regtransfers, the magazine for the

world of personal number plates. We start with Simon Cowell reveals

what? Reveals his number plate. You probably can't see Simon Cowell's

numberplate for all the cigarette smoke billowing around his pregnant

girlfriend. Did you see, there were pictures, did you not see that?

People smoking. There's a picture of him in the car, fagging away,

pregnant girlfriend in the passenger seat. Unbelievable. I though I

thought he was evil before, but... Simon Cowell reveals his baby name

choice is Simon. Oh! The baby is due in February. Simon Cowell has

already got a high chair, some tiny clothes and a booster seat. All he

needs now is to get some stuff for the baby. Next, George W Bush

planning what? A gallery, an exhibition that's going to open.

Yes, that's almost there. Planning to paint a portrait series of world

leaders. According to the Telegraph he is also known to dabble in

landscapes. As the people of Iraq know only too well.

And finally David Suchet admits to what when playing Poirot? I know

that one. What is it? He's got a penny up his arse, hasn't he, so he

minced the walk. You're absolutely right, yes. David Suchet admits to

clenching a penny between his buttocks when playing Poirot. Which

he learned from Laurence Olivier. Who I think had more than pennies up

his arse... LAUGHTER. Right down to the line, Godfrey.

Sorry. Sorry. So the final scores are Godfrey and

Paul have eight but Victoria and Ian are our winners this week with 12.

APPLAUSE. And I leave you with news that to counter allegations that

high interest rates leave borrowers dissatisfied, Wonga.com arrange of

photo shoot with one of their happy customers.

Viewers of Doctor Who complain that the chase scenes aren't as exciting

as they used to be. And on a trip to the local funfair,

there is a worrying sight for Bruce Forsyth.