Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,

following a visit from health and safety advisors,

changes are made to the format

of the BBC's new celebrity diving show...

..during a live broadcast from Sri Lanka, Nick Robinson

waits for a suitable moment to tell his colleague

that a massive tarantula is crawling up the back of his neck...

..and on Saturday Kitchen, a food critic explains

the new equivalent of the Michelin star guide for curry houses.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who,

when recently asked who the most famous person in her phonebook was,

said "Elton and David".

Wow, Elton Welsby and David Dickinson? Respect!

It's Janet Street-Porter.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster who,

as a reporter for Live TV,

was once banned from Parliament for turning up there

with the News Bunny, a historic incident

recently condemned on Newsnight by the Cookie Monster.

Please welcome Richard Bacon.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Janet, take a look at this.

That's the two Eds rejecting his ideas. "Nope!"

Aw, look, the Crystal Methodist.

Do you know, that man's younger than me.

And look at him. Unbelievable.

Anyone would think he took drugs(!)

Ex-chairman of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers,

what exactly has he done to embarrass the Labour party?

What hasn't he done? Shall we put lots of "allegeds" in?

No! I've got a statement with a lot of "allegeds".

He has been filmed allegedly trying to buy a variety of drugs

from a dealer only days after being

grilled by a Treasury Select Committee.

Are you sure you shouldn't say he's allegedly been filmed

allegedly buying alleged drugs?

Because I don't think you can prove any of those things.

Allegedly, he was...

No, he was definitely grilled by the Treasury Select Committee inquiry.

And the bank definitely collapsed, so we can say that,

and he was definitely the chairman,

but all the other stuff is alleged.

Can we say anything if we say "allegedly"?

allegedly he murdered a load of puppies

and threw them in the Thames.

What's amazing is he got the job of running a bank

with absolutely no experience whatsoever.

Yeah, can you imagine a coke-sniffing idiot

running a major bank(?)

Is it one of the questions you would ask a Methodist preacher?

"Are you addicted to crystal meth?"

It's probably not on the standard form, is it?

I think it should be from now.

It was quite a cocktail of drugs, wasn't it,

that he was allegedly taking?

I think there was crystal meth. Yeah, ketamine, that other one.

Ian's favourite, meow meow. Meow meow.

Snuff! Bit of snuff there, Ian.

Unbelievable. RICHARD: What is ketamine?

JANET: Horse tranquiliser.

Richard's playing innocent(!)

"I don't know what ketamine is"?

What sort of party is it where you want to tranquilise a horse anyway?

How can that be the highlight of the evening?

"He's nearly asleep. Hey-hey!"

I don't know about you but I think any public figure

that's caught doing drugs, there should be no second chances.

That's just the three of us on the show, is it?

Yeah, well, no, me and Janet had a bit of a night out once and...

No, we won't get into it. No, I've never done Class A drugs.

I don't know about Richard.

No, you do know.

I definitely have.

Janet, have you ever been offered drugs?

Someone offered to tranquilise Janet at a party.

Very good.

This man, this was all on his record.

Ed Miliband put him on his advisory board.

For industry and business! This man, he barely got banking part ones.

He gave up to become a Methodist minister.

He knows nothing about banking.

He made a series of absolutely colossal mistakes, took the money.

He's been fired from a charity for fiddling his expenses

He was removed from a local council for having gay porn...

Then he became governor of a primary school. Yes.

Perfect job(!)

This man was put in charge of a major bank,

and then proceeded to lose ?1.5 billion.

He's got to pay for his habit somehow.

But he does present tremendous problems for the Labour party

because the Co-op is bankrolling so many MPs. I mean, how many is it?

32 or something.

Well, the Co-op Bank sponsors many Labour MPs.

Paul Flowers is part of the Co-op Bank political...

Sorry, I had to reread this cos we changed it so it's legal.

Does it become more legal the closer you get to it?

By the time you're down there it's a super-injunction.

Basically, someone at the bank,

the Political Strategy Working Group arranged for ?1.2 million

of loans to the Labour Party as well as ?50,000 donation to Ed Balls.

Maybe he's providing a public service, cos some of the texts

were extraordinarily grotty and there was one text...

JANET: You mean you've never sent a grotty text

back in your coke-snorting days?

I bet when you were off your trolley you sent a few embarrassing texts.

Well, it was pre-texting, actually.

Semaphore?

Semaphore signals. "I'm out of it."

I did send some deranged texts

but they were still less unhinged than your columns.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Jerry! Jerry!

They didn't end up in the tabloids, though.

Your columns always end up in the tabloids. That's the idea!

What else has emerged about Miliband and Balls this week?

Here they are having a staring competition in a hotel room.

Is that the e-mails? Yep.

Was there some e-mail that said this week that Ed Miliband's team

find Ed Balls' team a nightmare?

The rift came about because e-mails between their senior advisors were

sent by accident to a Tory MP in a so-called "fat finger" incident.

They revealed that Miliband's team think Balls is...

..leading The Express to run the headline...

So it was sent to a Tory MP who had the same name as someone

within the party. There's an MP with your name.

Yes, there's a Conservative MP for South Norfolk

also called Richard Bacon.

In fact, it was that Richard Bacon that took the drugs.

I don't think you should say that.

Still with the Labour Party... Yes! ..who is this?

JANET: Oh, Denis MacShane! Yes, it was a Euro fiddle.

He claimed this money and he's admitted it

and we're waiting for sentence,

but it doesn't look good for him

because he's currently going out with Vicky Pryce.

Who's got an eye for blokes, hasn't she?

Yeah. Do you know what he called his actions?

"Regrettable"?

"Inappropriate." "Profitable."

He referred to them as this...

..although everyone else calls it this...

Yes, this has been a bad week for the Labour party.

Former Labour councillor

and Co-op boss Paul Flowers was secretly filmed buying drugs.

According to The Telegraph...

I don't know, if you can trust random strangers you meet on Grindr

for sex, who can you trust?

Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed

ITV News At Ten's viewers this week?

No. Would you like to?

Yes. Yeah.

This is ITV News At Ten with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.

Good evening, paedophiles...

Brilliant.

And people say commas aren't important.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Yes. This is Spain. The RAF...

That's the crystal meth that he was snorting. There he is.

That's Canada's Paul Flowers. Yeah, he's their version of our bloke.

It might be the same bloke, in fact. Rob Ford. Rob Ford. Rob Ford.

The Toronto Mayor. Fantastic.

This was Gibraltar, wasn't it,

when a Spanish vessel strayed into British waters.

And our Navy had to see them off.

QUEEN'S VOICE: Please go away!

Technically this almost went to war with Spain.

Yeah, almost went to war with Spain but didn't quite.

How did they persuade the boat to leave?

According to the Telegraph, officers from HMS Sabre

told the captain of the Spanish vessel -

And the Spanish replied -

So, what were the Spanish doing there, anyway?

According to the British Navy - "provocative incursioning."

According to them, they were "surveying the waters."

You say "tomato" I say..."tom-ato."

The Royal Navy source said -

Ramming a probe?

Yes, said Vice Admiral Julian Clary.

How have we been winding up the Spanish

recently in a footballing sense...

Ian?

Britain has encouraged Gibraltar to apply to become the newest

and smallest member of UEFA,

which would mean it would be able to qualify for European tournaments,

if it wasn't so rubbish.

Do you know what Gibraltar's biggest ever international win was?

1-0. 2-0. No.

3-0. Yeah, we could be here all night.

Gibraltar's biggest ever win is -

Although, to be fair, Sark's back four consisted of the Postmistress,

a couple of goats and a tree.

Staying with international news,

who's been throwing their weight around in Toronto?

This is Rob Ford. Rob Ford, the Mayor.

He's a bit out of control, isn't he? And they can't do anything about it.

They can't get rid of him and he's basically said,

"Yeah, I did crack cocaine but I was completely pissed at the time."

That's kind of being his defence.

Haven't they got rid of him by now, thought? Hasn't he gone?

No, no, he's still staying. Is he still clinging on?

They can't get rid of him.

People these days to resign at the drop of a hat.

It's hard not to slightly admire the guy, when he's this bang to rights.

He's been caught on video smoking crack cocaine...

So don't worry, Rob Ford, Richard Bacon is throwing his weight

behind you so you're going to be all right.

Let me tell you the best fact of the wee.

This is the best fact of the week.

When he admitted that he'd smoked crack cocaine,

his approval ratings went up.

Boris, if you're watching...

But how low were they?

It might be just the crack dealers going, "Yeah..."

Have you got the footage of when he ran around the Parliament...?

OH, I have.

This is him running around the City Hall debating chamber

and knocking over a pensioner.

"Buffet's open!"

The Toronto Council had just stripped him

of most of his powers after it emerged that he had,

at various times, smoked crack on camera, driven while drunk,

sexually harassed a colleague

and talked on television about giving her oral sex,

racially abused a taxi driver,

and been caught in a hotel room with prostitutes.

In Italy they'd probably make him Prime Minister.

APPLAUSE

His defence was good, as well. He said -

Yeah, but not all the mistakes at once! Not in one night.

You don't have the oral sex clip, do you, where he was talking about that?

We don't have that, the oral sex clip, no.

I've forgotten we're on BBC One at nine o'clock on Friday.

Newsnight's got it at 10:30.

Mark Austin's going to be showing it to all the paedophiles

that are watching.

Shall we have a look at a clip of Rob Ford in happier times?

It's open to debate.

There's people in there are for it, and people that are against it.

That's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.

BLEEP!

Oh! Oh!

This is a week of international turmoil including mounting tension

around Gibraltar.

The Telegraph showed a map of the actual course around Gibraltar,

taken by the Spanish survey ship.

So either they were deliberately provoking the British

or it was the captain of the Costa Concordia

trying to find his way back to Italy.

According to the Guardian, following his crack-smoking escapades...

As, in his case, a fat, red-faced man shouting, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

just looked like he was trying to organise a foursome.

Ian and Janet, here's another for you.

That's the former Prime Minster, David Cameron.

They're disappearing from history.

The Conservative website has been redesigned,

but during the redesign, someone just pressed the delete button.

So everything from the last ten years has gone.

Yeah. How convenient. Yes.

So it's either an accident or a sort of psychological need to forget.

The Rob Ford system - "Delete, gone, it's not my fault."

All those pictures of Seb Coe and William Hague...

Yes... Old friendships, all eradicated. Allegedly.

Allegedly, yeah.

And all Cameron's speeches about being environmentally friendly

and green and all that and no-one can look up

and check anything from the past, from the Conservative website.

I mean, there are other... They're living in the present, aren't they?

Yeah, they've put it all behind them.

But the Tories have done something even more sinister. What is that?

They brought back John Major.

He's pronounced that social mobility has frozen, ground to a halt.

There's no chance of anyone like him getting back in the Cabinet.

And also that was echoed by Alan Milburn , spookily enough.

He said, in a speech in Norfolk -

To me, from my background, I find it hilarious.

LAUGHTER

I don't.

John Major has obviously opened up.

Why do you think he's suddenly made the speech?

Well, there was a period of shame in this country

after sleeping with Edwina Currie, it's ten years.

What proportion of the Cabinet

have been to public school? It's very high.

But they're not all that posh. Michael Gove is quite rough.

He's only been skiing, like, twice.

LAUGHTER There was someone that sprang to

the defence of the super-rich this week. Who might that have been?

It was Boris. Yeah. He said

we should be fantastically grateful to them.

I don't think he meant the posh generally, just the rich.

Because they pay vast amounts of taxes. Boris said:

Ugh!

No chance of Sir Jimmy Carr, then.

LAUGHTER

Did you go to public school?

- Y-y-yes. - The way you said "Y-y-yes."

Either you did, or you bloody well didn't. So you did.

- Yes, I did. - Paul, did you go to public school?

No, I was found in a ditch outside a comprehensive.

You went to public school. Ian, did you go to public school?

Yes, I did, Janet. So that's 60% of this panel went to public school.

Yeah. Instead of 7%, which it should be.

So I suggest at least 53% of us leave.

This is the Conservative party showing the country

that they really do care about winning the next election.

Like something out of George Orwell,

the Tories think they can erase all record of their speeches

just by deleting them from their own website. But they are wrong.

For example, here is one of David Cameron's broken promises from 2009.

Turns out they're cleverer than we thought.

According to the Independent,

the Conservatives run the risk of being reduced to a "rump party".

"Count me in," said Paul Flowers.

Also this week, 75-year-old David Dimbleby got a tattoo.

Talking about the roses tattooed on Cheryl Cole's bottom,

David Dimbleby said, "I wasn't tempted."

No-one wants flowers near their bottom -

especially if he's off his face on drugs.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Paul and Richard, here's another for you.

Yes, this is Wales.

Scotland, Scotland, time, pendulum, calendar, dates.

Scottish dancing. I don't know.

Have they printed a lot of calendars with a month missing or something?

No. BELL

Magdalen College, Oxford.

It's about people within the calendar, the Scottish calendar.

There's no Scottish people in it. That's the one!

How was the calendar billed? "Scotland for the Scottish."

It's billed as the 2014 Men In Kilts calendar

and is said to be:

However, according to the Sun, all the men were English and Welsh

and the shoot took place in Devon for budget reasons.

Janet, would you like to see some of the hot non-Scots?

Show me some hot men in kilts. Here's Mr February.

And what tartan's he wearing?

It's sort of black.

Maybe he's going to a funeral.

On a hot day. On a hot day. In Scotland. Quite honestly,

it looks like they filmed it in a car park or a dogging spot in Surrey.

Are you saying it's a place you recognise?

Let's look at Mr July.

It's the same bloke, isn't it? I think it's the same man.

Mr September.

April.

I wonder if they're not on Grindr waiting for Paul Flowers' call.

All three of them?

It's very hard to get reception on Grindr in the countryside.

I'm told by someone that has Grindr.

What is Grindr exactly?

It's a thing for men who are of a gay persuasion

to go on and find other men of a gay persuasion

who want to meet up and squire each other.

This is the 2014 Men in Kilts calendar costing ?9.99

which has outraged Scots everywhere.

"?9.99 for a calendar?!"

Johannesburg? Johannesburg, yeah.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL That's the John Lewis Christmas ad.

LAUGHTER

Is it about an overweight man getting stuck in a changing room

or something? Or in a door? No. It's the story

of a man called John Lewis, who has been mistaken for a shop

called John Lewis. How was the man mistaken for the shop?

People going in and having a look round?

Saying, "Does the price promise work here?"

John Lewis the man, an American computer science professor,

nipped in before the retail chain

and registered the Twitter handle @JohnLewis.

What have John Lewis recently spent ?7 million on?

That saccharine advert.

What do you think of ?7 million on that? It's disgusting.

And actually, last Sunday night,

when they played one advert after another during Downton Abbey,

at the end of the evening you just thought,

"Millions and millions of pounds wasted."

ALL: On Downton Abbey!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is Mr John Lewis, who has been deluged with thousands of tweets

meant for the John Lewis department store.

He's responded very politely to all of them,

unlike 87-year-old Gloucestershire resident Ann Summers.

LAUGHTER

This year's John Lewis advert features a cartoon bear and a hare.

It cost ?7 million to make and it's based on Aesop's fable

about a gullible shopkeeper and a cynical advertising agency.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Is this about "selfie" becoming the latest addition

to the Oxford dictionary? Yes.

"Selfie" is the Word of 2013.

Rembrandt used to do them.

LAUGHTER

Slightly longer, but it's the same thing.

There were some other contenders, though.

Fingers on buzzers if you can define them.

Firstly, showrooming.

BELL Vintage cars.

LAUGHTER

Oddly not.

To examine a product in a shop

before buying it online at a lower price.

Right. Twerk.

Go! My buzzer's not going off!

It's the blue one. I'm the wrong one. You're pressing the light.

It's partially an intelligence test, to be honest.

It's a sort of dance, it's a backward movement,

it's a gyration, isn't it? Yeah.

Miley Cyrus, the twerking. She did the twerking.

The dancing. Ian, are you au fait with twerking?

It's everywhere.

Twerking Men's Clubs everywhere.

Everything.

Whistle while you twerk. Exactly.

We've all been there.

And we've got a daguerreotype here of Lord Palmerston doing it.

Selfie has been proclaimed word of the year 2013.

Other new words this year were snout, shank and shower-bitch.

They're not new to us,

but it's the first time Chris Huhne's ever heard them.

It's now time for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week.

Ming the Mollusc,

Glenn Greenwald's phone,

Burt Kwouk

and the E coli O157.

BUZZER

I think it's called Ming the Mollusc cos it's 500 years old

and dates to the Ming dynasty.

Scientists found it in their hold, killed it. Killed it.

And then discovered it was the oldest animal that I think has ever lived.

Oh, really? Yeah.

So you can get ill from eating those, E coli can make you ill. Absolutely.

Burt Kwouk, is it the actor

or is it the part he's playing in the Pink Panther films as Cato?

It's the actor? It's the part.

Cato. Give us a clue.

Containing the answer.

Oh, cold.

Oh, right, OK.

Yes, Cato was hidden in a fridge. Yes.

He was hiding in the fridge in a film and comes out.

So it's about people being put in fridges.

The mollusc should have been put in a fridge and it would have survived.

Cato jumped out of a fridge, he was all right.

The E coli bacteria's all right if you freeze it.

It's the bloke with the phone.

His phone was hidden in a fridge. The fridge thing is right,

everything else is wrong, but I'll give you a point so we can move on.

All the others survived a stint in the freezer except Ming the Mollusc.

Who died. OK.

Glenn Greenwald, the former Guardian journalist who was involved in

the publication of the intelligence emails leaked by Edward Snowden,

regularly put his phone in the freezer. Why?

He was worried it would be bugged. For security, yes.

there's an even more effective you can put your phone to stop hacking.

Any ideas? Is that News International HQ?

A Martini shaker.

Oh, OK. Ming the Mollusc was an ocean quahog, a type of clam.

How easy is it to date a clam?

Well, you have to get them drunk first.

There's an app called chowder. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've got to watch out for Chlamydia though.

LAUGHTER

No, I've never dated a clam before.

I've pulled a few muscles.

LAUGHTER

But if nothing else, this story brought out

a certain solidarity amongst headline writers.

What do you think the Independent, Mirror and the Mail all went with?

Clam Dead After 500 Years. No.

That wouldn't be very good, would it?

Shuts. Clam shuts.

Clam shell, clam shut, clam....

JANET: Tears, cry...

Ah, yes, yes, Clam Claps Mime Artist.

No! Are you taking the piss? Do you know what it is now?

No. No. No.

You do! This is what stupid people look like.

I've never seen anyone worse at charades than you.

That is a very good clam mime.

We got the clam bit!

The sad bit, the sorrow. What would happen? Oh, damn, it's such a...

It's such a shame.

Calamity!

A calamity, Ian. That's terrible.

Why is it terrible? It's a clamity.

I'm not mad, am I? You all got that.

What...what were the tears for?

How would that lead us to calamity as a pun?

Right, you're all going, you can be the panellists now. Come on.

Time for the Missing Words round.

We start with...

Planning permission.

LAUGHTER

It's a career.

Basically, yeah.

Cliff's attempts to look young have been scorned this week by the Daily Mail.

But as Cliff himself once remarked...

Yes, Cliff, only because you've managed to lose your Shadows.

That's actually a very good joke. It's just the way you did it.

LAUGHTER

Next...

Germany.

No, the answer is...

You're kidding. Here's an aerial view of the housing estate.

The swastika shape has already had a major effect on those house prices.

One buyer was recently gazumped by Nic Griffin.

Next...

Screws Volkswagen.

LAUGHTER

Bored robot tops itself.

Yes. Yes?!

Bored robot killed itself. I've had enough!

Did it chuck itself into the Thames?

I don't know. Maybe it ran a bath and then just got in it.

So, the final scores, Richard and Paul have 10

Janet and Ian have five.

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that in Edinburgh

a prospective father waits anxiously outside a fertility clinic.

In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,

a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.

And in North Yorkshire, keen rambler Janet Street-Porter is told

that her favourite footpath has been blocked off.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Most people know it's the 50th anniversary of Dr Who,

but I'd just like to point out

that he's not the only time traveller. Let's go back 20 years.

METALLIC THRUMMING

LAUGHTER