Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Robert

Lindsay, and in the news this week, there's a major scientific

breakthrough, as a Japanese inventor develops an outfit that enables

pensioners to twerk. At the funeral of the world's

strongest man, his widow insists on leading the hearse.

And archive footage from the 1940s shows Ranulph Fiennes and his first

encounter with ice. On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

from Canada who studied city planning at University. To be fair,

there are a lot of comedians in city planning. Just look at Birmingham!

Please welcome Katherine Ryan. Actually, I'm going there next week.

I can't do that! They've asked me to turn on the city lights! And with

Paul tonight is a Labour MP who used to be a postman, so we've paid him

by putting a bit of money in a card and sending it to Paul. Ladies and

gentlemen, Alan Johnson. So we start with the biggest stories

of the week. Paul and Alan, take a look at this. Scotland's future.

It's blank. Pounds! Pound coins. The things the Scots will lose. They'll

lose the Queen, the pound... Nigella Lawson. Nigella Lawson. The BBC and

submarines. They'll lose the BBC, submarines, the Queen and pound

coins. All in one. They're not going to lose them. They're going to keep

them. Are they? Yeah. Same thing. Lose, keep? what was the Sun's

headline on Wednesday summing all this up? How dare you suggest any of

us read the Sun! The headline read...

Oh, anarchy! Anarchy in the UK! If they gain independence, the Scots,

what are they going to keep? They'll keep the Queen, and they'll keep the

BBC as well, because they can't block the signal across the border.

It's a source of much debate about whether Scotland would be able to

watch Strictly Come Dancing. And I'd have thought that was pretty good

for the No vote. Are you not a fan of Strictly Come Dancing? Well, I'd

prefer Strictly Come Scottish Dancing. Which I think is going to

be terrific, don't you think? No. Why do they get to choose what they

keep? We won't have that, we'll have the pound, the Queen... Why don't

you just take like Irn Bru, pasties and John Barrowman? Take the things

that we're happy to give! Alex Salmond said that he was going to

keep the pound. But wasn't that the same pound that the English used to

bribe the Scottish to joining the UK in the first place? They didn't

bribe them to join. Scotland was bankrupt after the Darien

Expedition. They tried to set up their own empire, lost all the

money, and the English bailed them out. Is that the expedition that

went to the tropics with loads of blankets? That's the one. And

whiskey and stuff. They didn't figure it out. So it was bought,

basically. There's a lot of Burns poems about this very thing. You're

looking thrilled, Robert. I'm just wondering how long this programme

goes on for! Until the Scots do or don't get independence! Exactly.

Where do you stand, Alan? I stand for Great Britain. I stand for a No

vote for independence. Just checking. Sorry, it's so rare to ask

a politician what he thinks and he says it! The Scots are going to have

their own broadcasting service. What's that going to be called?

It'll be called the BBC, isn't it? Same as it is now? Run by Jim

Naughtie. They'll make some of their own programmes, won't they? The

Great Scottish Fry Up. Last of the Buckfast Tonic Wine. Who Do You

Think You Are, Jimmy? But it'll come as an arrangement to the BBC to show

popular shows, such as Doctor Who. No, he's Scottish, isn't he? Was

Scottish. Exactly. And will be Scottish again. If you're watching,

Steven Moffat, I am available. Fucking thing. Oh! Did you get that

from... I just lost that part, but never mind. Definitely the Scottish

version. Looks like it came from that sex shop up Kennington Road.

They're doing a 20% discount at the moment! When you were Home

Secretary, did you know of that particular shop? I'm saying nothing

until I have my lawyer here with me. He happens to be in the audience.

Your lawyer is in the audience? Yeah, there's a whole bank of them

over there! 15 from the Murdoch empire. Hi, guys! We're not going to

mention the trial, sshh! Alan, what are they planning to do to the Post

Office in an independent Scotland? They say that they'll put it back

together again, counters and letters, and will renationalise it.

That's exciting talk for an old Labour man, isn't it? How many Post

Office shares did you buy? I didn't buy any at all. They were Royal Mail

shares, weren't they? I applied for them in the post, but they haven't

arrived. There's also been a bit of a clash over an independent

Scotland's future immigration policy this week. What's that about? What's

the issue? Scotland has said, like a lot of these things, we'll join up

to the EU, but we won't join the euro, and we won't join the Schengen

Agreement, which means you have to take immigrants from anywhere.

Immigration is obviously an issue close to the heart of the Daily

Express. On Wednesday, they asked their readers to vote, has PM gone

far enough to block influx of Romanians and Bulgarians? Yes or no?

And always with the Express, they went to great lengths not to

influence their readers in any way. So, what was Cameron doing to

emphasise his British credentials this week? I'll tell you. He was at

the British Curry Awards. Here he is drinking lager in the traditional

Etonian manner! Do you want to see a picture of a

train that looks like David Cameron? Yes, please.

??LAUGHTER. It's from Thomas the Tank Engine.

Are you sure that's not David Cameron? Anyway, this is the SNP's

blueprint for the break-up of Britain. Alex Salmond proposes that

the BBC is replaced by the Scottish Broadcasting Service, which will

broadcast different programmes from those shown in England. So, much

like next year's World Cup. Ian and Katherine, take a look at this.

Those are minions! That's the Chancellor going down a mine. People

raised money to put him down there. It's the government U-turn over the

cost of payday loans. We were getting there. You were there. What

has George Osborne done? He's decided that the market doesn't

always work. He's right, isn't he, Alan? He's decided that he'll follow

Labour's policy of capping the interest on payday loans. Who's

getting all the credit? Stella Creasy. Stella Creasy, the Labour MP

for Walthamstow. George Osborne paid tribute to her in the House of

Commons for campaigning on the issue. Does Ed Balls not get any

credit? He gets credit for a very good lasagne that he cooks on a

regular basis. Changing the subject! Do you feel he should get

more credit? I do. Credit in what sense? Even though he took your job?

He didn't take it. You gave it to him? Yes. Right. And has he repaid

you? He thanks me every so often. With a lasagne! George Osborne was

also trying to head off a sneaky attack. From whom? Ed Balls? No. Ed

Miliband? No. Lord Lucan? Stella Creasy? No. Frank Lampard? The

Archbishop of Canterbury. Frank Lampard's the Archbishop of

Canterbury? When did that happen? He was thought to be organising a House

of Lords rebellion on payday loans. Who else has stuck the boot into

capitalism this week? The Pope. Yes! Even higher. Pope Francis. He

said... He wants the Catholic Church to get

stuck into poverty a lot more, and become bruised, hurting and dirty. A

bit like someone taught by nuns! Who's been saying greed is good this

week? Boris. Boris Johnson. What did he say? You can take advantage of

the thick people! 16% of us are very thick. He said greed can be good as

a valuable spur to economic activity. He was delivering the

annual Margaret Thatcher lecture. She can't do it herself these days!

I'll tell you what, is it a good time to play with the greed-o-meter?

Yes, always a good time. What is the greed-0-meter?

Let's have a look. Buzz in when you know what the

greedy company logo is. So, spin the greed-o-meter!

That's the logo for RBS. Are we dumbing down on this show? RBS, what

have they been doing? Vince Cable has an adviser who has been

investigating this and he said they have been deliberately driving small

businesses out of business in order to profit. Given that we own most of

RBS, they shouldn't be trying to bankrupt us. That's really not what

banks are for. They're just meant to bankrupt the whole world. This week

it was revealed that RBS are accused of intentionally causing companies

to fail and then buying up their assets on the cheap. It makes you

long for the good old days when bank managers stuck to crystal meth and

rent boys. Let's have another spin on the greed-o-meter I don't know

what that one is. Anything the government doesn't want

to do, it gets Serco to put in a ridiculously bid for it, then they

fail to do it properly and then go back to the government and we have

to pay for it again. They are a classic case of outsourcing drivel.

Would a lawyer be interested in anything you have just said? They

have just lost the contracts for ruining, sorry running three prisons

in Yorkshire. Why? Did all the prisoners run out one evening

dressed in burkhas? No, that's G4S. Sorry, areas of expertise. They have

been investigated along with G4S in a suspected fraud case where

companies are charging the government large sums of money for

tagging criminals who were back in prison, abroad, or dead. If they're

dead, they should be voting in Falkirk. They should. This week saw

the departure of the boss of Serco, the scandal hit security group, who

have being charging to electronically tag offenders who

were, in fact, dead. Although in the case of Jimmy Savile, you cannot be

too careful. So, let's fire up the old greed-o-meter again, shall we?

Goldman Sachs, they're greedy because they're a bank. They were

the advisers to the government on the Royal Mail sell-off and it

turned out they made a big profit on the back of the advice they gave on

the price of the shares they sold. How? They said, keep the price low

and the taxpayer actually missed out hugely because we didn't get any

money and also they bought a lot of the shares. Is this insider trading

like Martha Stewart? How dare you! What? I'm trying to keep you out of

prison. You'll end up being supervised by Serco. Have any of you

seen the financial scandal brewing in Brentwood? Eric Pickles is the

MP. Have a look then at this. I did not spend ?10,000 on extra biscuits.

So let's take one last look at the old greed-o-meter.

London taxis are going to be converted to run on gas. Are they?

No. Why are the big energy companies in the dock again this week? This

isn't about putting up energy prices, it's not about that, is it?

Unless they've done it again. If you're watching the repeat, they've

just done it again. If they can cap payday loans, why can't they cap

energy prices Alan? Exactly. Thank you. It has been revealed that last

winter, 31,000... If only politics was that easy. Is there anything

else you'd like to say to the British people! No. It's been

revealed that last winter, 31,000 people, elderly people, died from

the cold when the energy firms made profits of ?1.2 billion. The energy

firms were slammed as immoral by the Chair of the Fuel Poverty Advisory

Group, a man named Derek Lickorish. Well, it takes all sorts! Really

unfortunate surnames tonight, Lickorish, Balls, Salmon, what show

do you run? Let's go to the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers,

teams. This is Berlusconi wiping the

cocaine from Putin's nose. He has been offered citizenship, this is

the rumour. No, he has been asked to be Russian Ambassador to the

Vatican. That is how you get citizenship. Why is Putin being so

helpful to Silvio Berlusconi? He recognises a fellow leader in peril.

According to the Daily Mail, Putin has attended Mr Berlusconi's

infamous Bunga Bunga parties and even has a bed named after him.

Could he be any more of a gay icon? Look at those eyes, just piercing.

He professes to not like the gay thing so much. He is definitely in

denial, I don't think the name was named after him. Alan, have you met

Berlusconi? No, I wasn't at any of those parties. I was at a Wonga

Wonga party but that's a completely different thing. Also this week,

what did a Chinese lady transform herself into with the help of a fake

plastic wart and some platform boots? Birmingham. Mao Tse Tung.

What won't her husband do? Climb over the great wall on Friday night?

Sleep with her. That's what I said. Fingers on buzzers, teams. That is

the wonderful Nigella Lawson. She is wonderful but it's the allegation

that Nigella Lawson may have been putting too much white flour in her

brown bread. This is what bothers me about this story, it completely

deflects from the issue. Charles Saatchi was pictured with both his

hands around her throat and all of a sudden because she may have been

using drugs, he is justified in doing so. No matter what she did, he

is not. Where did the allegations come from then? APPLAUSE. The

allegations come from e-mails discovered during the court case

which is actually trying two of their former assistants for

defrauding them. He has put an e-mail in saying she was off her

face on coke for ten years but I didn't know this and I only

discovered that shortly after she left me. We should point out the

sisters deny all the charges. Come on, fingers on buzzers, teams,

please. That is Heathrow Airport. Correct,

which terminal? Five. It is the new one and they have found out you

can't change the light bulbs. Yes! The ladder is not tall enough,

that's why. Either that or it's going on holiday. Is the ladder

going on holiday? Since the terminal opened in 2008, not a single bulb

has been replaced and in some areas, up to 60% of the lights have blown.

What is the solution? They are using a circus company, I think it's

Cirque du Soleil. Serco? Have you seen the way Newsnight have begun

introducing guests in an unsubtle way? Here is Will Young.

Yes? It's the story in the Daily Mail that is absolutely fictitious

and it has been a disgraceful story that says Rupert Murdoch no longer

talks to Tony Blair and will not take his calls and it relates to his

wife. Yes, this is the news that Tony Blair's fallen out with Rupert

Murdoch amid rumours he may have secretly met his ex-wife, Wendi

Deng. We, for legal reasons, must point out that Blair's friends said

the relationship between him and Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife wasn't

entirely innocent and above board. I thought you were going to say he

denied the relationship between Tony Blair and Robert Murdoch, which was

never innocent, was it, Alan? Why are you asking me? You were in the

Cabinet, they must have told you something at some point? I never saw

Rupert there once. I thought he sat in on Cabinet in the Blair years. I

thought it was Tony, Gordon, Rupert, and you did the tea. Yeah, it was.

Do you think Blair might dig Deng, sorry ding dong, sorry! Are we in

the section of the show that will never be broadcast? This is the

claim that Tony Blair secretly met Wendi Deng behind Rupert Murdoch's

back. Any suggestion that Tony Blair has been involved in an extramarital

affair is based on unsubstantiated rumour and no solid evidence

whatsoever. Still, people have gone to war for less. OK, time now for

the Odd One Out round. Paul and Alan, Ed Miliband, Prince Charles,

the Israelites and Dale Irby. Is it something to do with red? It's to

do...Lobbs, Charles Lobbs. Lobbs, shoes, a make of shoe. Have you just

given us the answer? You take this seriously, don't you? Of course I

take it seriously! They've all worn the same clothes. This man always

wears the same clothes in photographs. He was in the news.

Charles always wears the same pair of shoes. The Israelites, they

couldn't change their clothes. The Egyptians gave them no time to pack.

And Red Ed only wears red underneath his clothes. Almost, Ian, almost.

They've all worn the same clothing for four decades apart from Ed

Miliband. On Desert Island Discs the Labour leader admitted he always

wore a purple jumper and white trousers to discos. What was Ed's

favourite song to dance to in those days? # The Israelites.

# It was A-ha. It was, Take On Me by A-ha. Is it a worry for Labour that

Ed doesn't have the sex appeal of Nick Clegg? And Dale Irby is our gym

teacher who's worn the same outfit for the school yearbook photo for 40

years until he retired this year. Here's Dale in 1973. And here's Dale

in 2013. Let's have a look at all the other photos. Have a look. There

they all are. He's suffering from a combination of two medical

conditions. He's got BOCD. Ian and Katherine, here are yours. Iain

Duncan Smith, the seagulls in Herne Bay, Beyonce, and Northerners. Well,

I know that Beyonce was recently banned from the pyramids because an

important man in Egypt did not like her. He said she was stupid. I know

that people in Herne Bay were banned from feeding the seagulls for the

opposite reason, because they were so intelligent and they were

overrunning the area. Iain Duncan Smith, has he been banned?

KATHERINE: Should be. Iain Duncan Smith was kind of accused of being

stupid by John Major. Wasn't it Osborne? That's right, by Osborne.

So is this about people being accused of being stupid? Northerners

are the odd ones out. And Beyonce is about to make a guest appearance in

Last Of The Summer Wine. Nora Booty. They've all had their intelligence

questioned, except the seagulls in Herne Bay. According to the Metro...

What is 71-year-old Herne Bay resident Miss Dina Wilson now

reduced to? Gullibility. Seven stone four. Hanging out the washing with a

colander on her head. Beyonce was called "stupid" by Egypt's former

Minister of Antiquities, the controversial archaeologist Zahi

Hawass, who was showing her the pyramids. And she was showing him

"hawass" Anyway. In his Yorkshire Post column, Sir Bernard Ingham

accused Northerners of "bovine stupidity" for saying they'd never

vote Conservative and... True, they're not all la-di-da. Eric

Pickles is just lardy. Time now for the Missing Words round, which this

week features as its guest publication Glazed Expressions, the

magazine of tiles and architectural ceramics. We start with, Recently,

ITV's Coronation Street has what? Has introduced a talking weasel into

number 72. Is there a whole weasel family? Yeah, they've moved in, the

Weasels. Do they say, "Leave it out"? No, no, they're not Cockney

weasels. Oh! In fact... Oh, tiles. Next, You don't know

what? You don't know what you've got till it's gone. That's very

profound, Alan. Thank you. You don't know the Weasels at number 72? This

is a British couple intending to travel to San Jose in Mexico.

According to the Sun... That's actually nearer than

Ryanair's flight to San Jose. Next, what found in basement of Oldham

Town Hall? Not more slaves. Is it Julian Assange? Chicken tiles. Next,

Did Private Eye ever what? Produce a book of cartoons for the Christmas

market. Ever make anyone laugh? Ooh! Did Private Eye ever give away...

Tiles. Tiles. Let's have a look at them. Yeah, I'm not sure what's

going on here. They're Willie Rushton drawings, aren't they? Gosh,

must have been in the 60s. Desperate for readers even then. Next,

Badgering causes what? Badgering causes Weasels to move out of

Coronation Street. Badgering causes Monty Don to leave Twitter. Monty

Don got involved in an argument on Twitter over the badger cull.

According to the Farmers Weekly, the row began when...

A badger march? Well, that's the time to cull them, surely? So the

final scores are Ian and Katherine with seven and Paul and Alan have

eight. Hey, what? How did we do that? Blimey. APPLAUSE.

But before we go there's just time for the caption competition. ALAN:

He's saying, "What do you mean, this train doesn't go to Primrose Hill?"

"Are you Lonely of Chatham?" On which note we say thank you to our

panellists Ian Hislop and Katherine Ryan, Paul Merton and Alan Johnson

and I leave you with the news that at the National Theatre as she

reprises her role as Her Majesty the Queen, Helen Mirren regrets not

employing her regular make-up artist.

In Nevada a test pilot makes his way towards the cockpit of the most

sophisticated stealth bomber yet. And as the USA's national debt

spirals out of control President Obama is accused of squandering

taxpayers' money on his Christmas party hat.

Good night. APPLAUSE.