Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke.

In the news this week

The runner-up graciously concedes defeat as the winner

of the 2013 Twat of the Year Award is announced.

After four of the Spice Girls refuse another comeback tour,

Gerri Halliwell starts rehearsals without them.

There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs

she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe.

On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, at university,

studied Classical Civilisation and Mesopotamian Archaeology.

So, he's one of the more forward-thinking

members of the Tory party.

Please welcome, Tim Loughton MP.

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was recently

described as a leading light of the new wave of niceness in comedy.

What a sick-making load of old bollocks.

Please welcome prize arsehole, Miles Jupp.

Should I be clapping that?

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

This is David Cameron in China.

He's very interested in red carpets and he's been shown a lot of them.

MILES: He loves a footwell.

"Ah, so the feet go there!" So, yes, he's in China, isn't he?

He's selling us to the Chinese.

Well, they own a lot already, don't they? They own Weetabix.

-Do they?

-I found that out the other day. Weetabix!

Every time you eat one you're helping the Red Army.

That's one way of looking at it.

They own quite a lot of government these days.

Not allowed to say what we like about the Dalai Lama.

No, that's right...well.

Have you noticed, on the menus, at every dinner for at least 5,000

people they have laid on for the Prime Minister this week,

they've had bamboo fungus on the menu.

-Apparently a delicacy.

-Yes.

I think it's like Polonium.

They're obviously drip feeding him this, to condition him,

and when he comes back at the required moment they can press

the button and say "Kill the Dalai Lama", or whatever it is.

-You're quite bitter about this, aren't you?

-No.

Because he did fire you, didn't he?

-Who, the Dalai Lama?

-Yeah.

-You used to be a monk.

-I've never been a monk.

The haircut wouldn't suit me. You would make a good monk.

-No!

-He's halfway there.

-I don't look good in orange, either.

Oh, I don't know.

I can see you setting fire to yourself.

-I was trying to be nice, you...

-You were trying to be nice!

You suggest he sets fire to himself.

He's on your side. We've only been going for two minutes.

Who has got a can of petrol?

The Prime Minister told you not to meet the Dalai Lama,

and then you resigned, didn't you?

I didn't meet the Dalai Lama at the time, no.

You got all that wrong.

Oh, well, you can set fire to yourself, then.

I met the Dalai Lama. He's a lovely man.

-I'm sure he's charming.

-He chuckles a lot.

He's up at three o'clock in the morning, every day.

-Did you now that?

-I didn't, no.

-Fantastic man.

MILES: Is that to meet you under cover of darkness?

He's got a very difficult paper round.

And what can we sell to China?

Well, they've got plenty of red carpet,

that much we have established.

I don't know. Things they don't have.

According to the Metro, David Cameron signs the deal

to send £45 million worth of pig semen to China.

He did well to pull that off.

Yes.

I don't know how expensive this commodity is, so whether £45 million

is a lot, or just a thimble full, I've no idea.

Actually, there's a funny, buzzing, noise.

Could someone turn their phone off, please?

-I'll bet it's Tim.

-Shit.

-Yes, that's me.

-See, I knew it...

Busted.

Yeah, it's the Dalai Lama.

I know, Ian, why don't you set fire to his phone?

What was David Cameron doing on Weibo?

It's Twitter, isn't it?

He got 150,000 followers within a few minutes,

and then, the first thing he got back,

somebody said "Mr Prime Minister, are you bringing opium with you?"

That's a good folk memory,

the last time Britain was big, we were shipping in narcotics on mass.

We should send in some of our celebrities.

No, he appeared on Chinese telly, with his new two words,

"kow" and "tow".

They're Mandarin.

He did say something very impressive, have you got a clip?

I don't know if we've got a clip of him saying something impressive.

-All right, it's just Chinese.

-No, we haven't. What did...?

What was it he did that so impressed you?

Oh, he just spoke Mandarin for a bit. It's quite hard.

He may have made it all up, I don't know.

He said they should definitely teach Mandarin in schools.

That's a bit patronising, I imagine they already do.

Extraordinary way to behave.

Why, according to the Telegraph,

does the Prime Minister value Prime Minister's Question Time?

Gets him out of the house? No, it gets him in the House.

He said...

Smart move.

David Cameron had two official banquets...banquets?

-Is that how you say it?

-Depends what the word is, really?

If it's written down, "rhododendron",

then it probably isn't.

David Cameron had two official banquets

with powerful Chinese leaders. What did he eat?

-Bamboo fungus.

-This bamboo fungus, known, according to the Mail, as...

An old boyfriend of mine had that once.

I was happy.

On the subject of superpowers behaving badly,

what have the Russians been doing in the Ukraine?

They've been trying to prevent democracy.

Ukraine is very keen on closer ties with Europe.

The Russians are very keen on closer ties with themselves.

They had a vote, Putin voted once, and he decided that's it.

So, that's it, really, poor old Ukraine.

It's the only place in the world you can see people flying

an EU flag happily.

They've been interrupting Ukrainian TV coverage of pro-Western

demonstrations with clips from a genuine children's

programme about basic bodily functions.

Here's a talking bottom sitting next to a turd and a stream of piss.

Oh, no, sorry, that's the latest panel of Loose Women.

Who's the cactus? A walk-on guest?

What's that representing?

Sexually transmitted diseases?

I hate looking at jobs I auditioned for and didn't get.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

This is the most blatant attempt by a British Prime Minister

to woo the Chinese...

since Tony phoned Wendi to check Rupert was out.

Britain has come under attack from the Chinese Communist Party

Newspaper, the Global Times, as being...

I hear you, China, but takeaways and a shit Olympics - back at you.

According to the Daily Mail...

Well, if there's one thing there's never a shortage of in China,

it's dolls for baby girls.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

-Ian and Tim, take a look at this, please.

-Right.

Now, that's the Chancellor.

And again. Oh, look, they've got the same tie on.

Isn't that embarrassing when that happens?

What's the Chancellor been up to?

OK, well, today he's been up to a lot.

The economy is booming.

And George is cruising effortlessly to economic domination of the globe.

Right. Was that a party political broadcast?

I don't know why you're laughing, it's fantastic.

-I think it's because they don't believe you.

-Oh, OK.

What's he done now, then?

-He's come up with an autumn statement.

-Mm-hm.

-The particulars of which you're riveted by.

-Oh...

"All the leaves are brown.

"And the sky is grey."

-Yes, a lot of interesting things.

-Mm-hm.

No more tax discs on your car. You'll just do it online.

And they'll say, "Oh, you haven't got your password,

"you can't do it." And then they'll arrest you.

-And then they'll set your car on fire.

-Yeah.

You should be happy.

Then I'll go down to the Post Office and set THEM on fire.

Yeah, exactly.

-Tim, you know how tough...

-Oh, God.

-..George Osborne polices can be, don't you?

-Yeah.

-Shall we take a little look?

-No.

I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday.

It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair.

-End of. REPORTER:

-It doesn't need a review,

-it doesn't need anything looking at?

-End of.

-You said we have to see what comes along later...

-End of.

-You said that...

-End of.

-..we have to see what comes along later

-Does that imply you're going to try and...

-End of.

Funny you should use that clip.

Cos you had it on this programme two years ago, when it happened.

-We did.

-Yeah, and I remember

your quote at the time was, "End of your career."

And you were right! Two years too early, but, yeah.

-Yeah, well, it's funnier now.

-Yeah, it is.

True.

David Cameron has been going out of his way not to mention

the Dalai Lama or human rights.

But what has he been going on about all week?

-Um...

-Well, what he's been going on about is how good together

him and George Osborne are.

-Oh, right.

-There have been rumours of splits recently,

but Cameron told journalists...

Yeah, right, I saw George trying to throttle him

when he was off his head on coke.

Nah, not really, I made it up!

Did ya?

In other George Osborne news,

what's he got now that he didn't have last week?

He's got a nice little dog.

Does what he says.

He's called it Nick.

-He's bought a Bichon Frise.

-Mm.

Which I thought was a starter.

It is, in China.

Maybe. Ooh...

Yeah, he's got Lola living with him.

Inevitably, he posted a picture on Twitter.

ALL: Ahh.

-That's nice.

-First time anyone's gone, "Ahh," about George Osborne.

And in other Tory news, what's the latest on Lady Thatcher?

Still dead.

She's got a Christmas single.

That's brilliant.

"Ding Dong The Witch Is Still Dead."

Very, very bad. Very bad.

Very, very bad.

A copy of her will appears to show that the £12 million

central London house she lived in wasn't actually owned by her,

but by an anonymous trust registered in the British Virgin Islands.

MAN CACKLES

Vodafone!

And there's a man here knows their national anthem.

This is the Chancellor's autumn statement.

David Cameron insists that his relationship with

George Osborne remains strong, saying...

A combination which is then inserted into Nick Clegg to work his mouth.

Ahem, yeah.

This week, George Osborne got a new dog.

For an ex-public schoolboy,

having a dog is a bit like having your own fag,

only after fetching your slippers,

the dog licks his own bollocks.

-Paul and Miles...

-Yeah.

-..here's another for you lovely boys.

Fantastic. Money being printed. Obviously.

RBS - Royal Bank of Scotland not giving people money.

Um, being very, very bad people.

People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day,

when it was one of the biggest shopping days of the year,

Christmas rush and all that, so people are very unhappy

-with the Royal Bank of Scotland.

-That's right, yes.

-Yeah.

This is news that serial cock-up merchants RBS

cocked up again this week, leaving customers unable to use their cards.

And on the busiest day of the year for online shopping, too.

What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people

been trying to do?

Call this a special day.

-Black Friday, or something.

-TIM: Cyber Monday.

Supersonic Tuesday.

Next it'll be Wank Wednesday...

Thuck off Thursday.

The director of John Lewis online told the Times...

Oh, give it a rest.

I quite like the idea of things CATCHING FIRE on a Friday!

What was the effect of all this hype?

People were fighting in Argos.

Don't they go to Argos and hit each other?

I've seen it on the news, it's fantastic.

You know what they're going to be doing next?

Ssh!

People attacking each other in Argos?

-You've seen this on the news?

-Yeah.

Well, he's not been there, has he?

APPLAUSE

That's the Greek God of shopping, Argos.

-Was it?

-No.

Also this week, it emerged that Britain is way ahead

of all other European countries in terms of what?

Growth - we're growing much more than other people.

Other people look at us saying,

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"I wish I was English."

It's the way it has been.

But not everybody from Denmark thinks that.

It's actually how much we are paying our bakers.

Oh, no, hang on, it's bankers, yes.

The Mary Berrys...

Good idea for a programme, though, isn't it?

IAN AND KATHY: "Great British Bank Off."

It's based on the figures

for bankers who earn more than one million euros.

The UK has 2,714 of them.

I'm a bit brain-dead with all that. You know, the bankers...

-Other people's money.

-I know. It's awful.

Better putting it all in a pile and just...

Burn it.

And finally, in other retail news this week,

online retailer Amazon revealed that in the future,

they plan to deliver packages by drones.

The Express helpfully showed how the system will work

from step one - customer places order -

through to step five -

the drone takes off from the warehouse.

Step seven, the drone lands outside the customer's house,

where it releases the package.

Although, for some reason, it doesn't show step eight,

where some bastard nicks it.

What if you wanted to buy a drone?

I mean, this is a made-up story.

The economics of it -

this drone can only deliver one package at one point,

where a man with a van has got 50 or 60 packages

in the back of his van.

You'd have to have 50 or 60 drones replace every van.

-You're wasted here.

-I know that.

It's the bottle of whisky I had before the recording.

-If I was Father Christmas...

-Are you?

You're not Father Christmas, are you?

-Well, I can't really talk about it here.

-Oh, OK.

But he would be excited by drone technology.

Maybe he already is. Maybe he's an absolute warmonger.

They're not going to send a drone to Ian's house, are they?

Cos it's going to turn up back to Amazon on fire.

"Coming in to land - he's not going to make it, Skipper!"

And finally, has anyone noticed that now Jeremy Paxman's getting old,

he has an evening nap in the Newsnight studio

and only wakes when they play the theme tune?

Have a look at this.

Now, time for Newsnight here on BBC Two,

with Jeremy Paxman.

"NEWSNIGHT" THEME PLAYS

Yes, this is RBS, the bank that likes to pay less,

whose entire computer system failed on Cyber Monday.

To be fair, everyone was affected - even senior bankers found out

that their credit cards had stopped working.

Paul Flowers had to chop out his coke with his bus pass.

According to the Telegraph,

in order to dispose of toxic assets...

"Also"?

What do they think they are at the moment?

Ian and Tim, here's another for you.

Oh, this is our ranking in the world.

Apparently, since I left the Department of Education,

things aren't going too well.

Is that why?

Look! Mr Gove, your friend.

And his new adviser.

He's replaced you with him.

Apparently, rankings of British pupils have gone through the floor.

We've had years and years of...

-"Of Labour neglect..."

-..Labour neglect.

I'll do the echo.

And single-handedly, Michael Gove is now rescuing our pupils.

For him to do it single-handedly is not a good policy.

You don't really like Michael, though, do you?

What's not to like, for God's sake?

Didn't he say that you were very lazy and useless?

Did he?

-Who did the best?

-South-East Asian countries.

-Shanghai.

-Korea.

Yeah, but twice as many people took the tests in Britain

as in any of those countries.

So, mathematically...

-..I've no idea what that means.

-That's the problem.

You were something to do with schools, weren't you?

-Before you got the push?

-Nothing to do with me at all.

I looked after children.

Is this one for Operation Yewtree?

Come on - can we do a Boris IQ question?

He did badly, didn't he? On a test this week, old Boris.

Also, he blurted out his idea about selling the naming rights

for Tube stations to big companies

He said...

Can't we change the name of London to Shanghai?

Can you come up with any other names that could be used?

"Oxford Marmalade Circus."

"Victoria Secrets"?

Trust a Tory MP.

"Nigella Lawson's Tooting"?

This is the news that our education system is failing.

The Daily Mail listed the global rankings for maths,

which shockingly shows that we came 26th out of ten.

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has failed an intelligence test live on radio.

One of the IQ questions that Boris got wrong

involves setting an alarm clock, asking...

To be fair, Boris didn't really understand the question,

as he's normally woken up by her husband coming home.

And so to Round Two - the Strengthometer of News.

BUZZER

MILES: Two lookalikes got married.

They were professional lookalikes, and he...

I think I've got this the right way round...

-He looks like Debbie Harry.

-That's right.

And she, bless her...

Looks like somebody out of Thunderbirds.

Here are the happy couple.

It's uncanny.

Anyone know who else came to the wedding?

Robert Mugabe...

Joshua Nkomo.

-That's right, yeah.

-Joshua Nkomo was there.

-Bomber Harris.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Gordon Ramsay, Ricky Gervais, the couple and David Beckham.

Not doing too bad as looky-likies.

Yeah, once you close your eyes it's easier.

Also, Kate and Prince William turned up.

Who didn't look like himself this week?

Anyone see this picture?

-Tom Jones.

-Is that real?

-Yeah.

Looks pretty good for a tomato of his age.

Is he learning Mandarin by becoming an orange?

Talking of lookalikes, whose appearance was compared

to Marie Antoinette climbing the scaffold this week?

It was Nigella.

Sarah Vine in the Mail compared her to Marie Antoinette.

So, should we have a look?

Here's Nigella...here's Marie Antoinette.

If she'd had dinner with Charles Saatchi... No, no, no...

APPLAUSE

This week in Dudley, a Blondie look-a-likey,

married a Simon Cowell look-a-likey.

Simon Cowell look-a-likey Andy Monk told reporters...

No. Nor can you.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Your four are - Tim Loughton,

Icarus, Osama bin Laden,

and 30,000 copies of David Walliams' new book.

BUZZER

I think this is something to do with heat or fire or being burnt.

-Fire?

-Fire.

Apart from sitting next to Britain's premier arsonist,

have you been burnt? I mean, not financially,

you don't need to tell us any woes.

But have you been burnt in a pancake, or...?

-No. No.

-Did anything happen unpleasant at the end of this?

-No.

Shall we do the, "Cor, what a tosser," line,

get that out of the way for the moment?

Well, if you want to say that about yourself, Tim,

don't let any of us stop you.

I think it's water. Is it water?

Yes, Tim, you are right.

Icarus flew too close to the sun and fell into water.

Abu, no, eh... What's his name?

Osama... They're all the same(!)

Osama...

The very bad man, Osama bin Laden was dumped in the sea,

after they shot him.

David Walliams, now he had to have his book pulped.

Some of his books fell in the water, or something.

So, I'm the odd one out, cos I'm on dry land.

No, you are the odd one out, cos you were STANDING in the sea.

It could be a very large ice bucket.

This was a story that appeared in the Mirror last year.

The only true thing about the story was the title to that photo,

which was "Minister caught with his pants up."

And the rest of the story -

it was the Commonwealth Education Ministers' Conference in Mauritius,

and this was one warm glass of chardonnay.

If this is an indication of what you would do when you're sober...

what on earth do you get up to when you're drunk?

Were you sacked for that?

I don't think so. I think there were much worse things.

It was Mr Gove, wasn't it, who sacked you?

Did he sack you single-handedly?

So, it's time now for the Missing Words Round,

which, this week, features as its guest publication Rattitude.

The magazine of the North of England Rat Society.

For northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough.

And we start with...

MILES: Is it, "The fucking piss"?

The answer is...

No, they don't!

This is the story of a court case in New York in which four chimpanzees

are seeking to be recognised as humans.

The complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts

scratching their heads, rubbing their arses on ropes

and eating things from behind each others' ears.

Next...

The bubonic plague.

And it's the name "red eyed devil".

Next...

MILES: British Prime Minister talking patronisingly.

-She had a flower in her head.

-It was a fully-grown dandelion.

A doctor tried to remove it by blowing,

but all that happened was he found out it was three o' clock.

Next...

Sexual tension.

MILES: The body count. It was an absolute bloodbath.

The safety officer.

"Looks all right to me.

"Just dump the rats on it

"This is good stuff."

Next...

MILES: Relatively easy to spot.

Police in Norfolk have warned of an epidemic of people

dressed as clowns.

Clowns are actually fairly easy to capture,

because they tend to have extremely unreliable getaway cars.

Finally....

Drunken fighting amongst priests.

"You bastard!

"You call that a wedding?"

What?!

The last time I had a rat backfire was when I stuck a firework up it.

I'm just joking, obviously.

It was a kitten.

The final scores are -

-Miles and Paul have eight.

-What?

Tim and Ian have six.

You're the winners.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

TIM: "I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."

"I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."

"I must not meet the Dalai Lama again."

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Tim Loughton, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.

And I leave you with news that

after announcing several more years of austerity,

George Osborne goes home to decorate his Christmas tree.

In the Italian Parliament, the vote about whether Silvio Berlusconi

should take a paternity test is passed with a majority of one.

And, as Operation Yewtree combs the BBC for clues,

police find a very disturbing image on David Attenborough's computer.

Thank you very much. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Can I just say you pronounce my name LAWTON?

I beg your pardon, Tim, sorry about that.

Should have brought it up earlier though, you twat.