Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm the woman...

In the news this week, with the channel set to close down

BBC Three's top creative team finds a new outlet

for all their latest ideas.

A Newsnight Special exposes the appalling sweatshop conditions

for workers in a Taiwanese Walnut Whip factory.

And as the government launches new regional TV stations,

Good Morning Medway sends its top reporter to investigate

the need for a safer footpath.

On Ian's team tonight is the Shadow Justice Secretary

and former human rights lawyer who spent years tirelessly working

on behalf of the weak and powerless, which came in handy

when he was campaign manager for Ed Miliband.

Please welcome Sadiq Khan MP.

And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who,

when he was younger, wanted to be a policeman.

He'd spend hours dressed in a uniform, walking around the house

shredding documents and lying to everyone.

-Please welcome Richard Osman.

-Hiya.

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Sadiq, take a look at this.

It's a postman.

There's Vince Cable, who sold out.

And that's the price going up and up.

That's some people taking the piss.

This is the story, Jennifer, of...

-That's very good, you've remembered her name.

-Yes, Jennifer.

-That's me.

-Actually, when's David turning up?

I was told this was Question Time.

In my briefing, it said there would be a BBC legend in the chair.

RICHARD: Hello?!

Get back to the story, please.

The government was warned that you shouldn't sell off Royal Mail,

and if you do, sell it off at a fair price.

And rather than selling off the shares at £5.60 or £5.70,

as they should have done,

they sold them off at a knock-down, bargain-basement price.

As a consequence, you, us, the taxpayers, have lost £2.4 billion.

They appointed one merchant bank to do the sell-off

and that merchant bank chose another seven merchant banks, who all said,

"Yes, we'll do this one."

And, in the end, all the banks, between them, came to the conclusion

that it should be sold off for £3.30.

It was immediately worth five quid.

Guess who bought a lot of the shares. Was it the banks?!

The same banks.

70% were given to these banks rather than to us to buy or the employees.

And they've made a whopping fortune at our expense.

And it is disgraceful!

-It's disgraceful.

-And Vince Cable and David Cameron

and George Osborne should be ashamed.

OK, well done. Well summed up.

I was hoping you were going to say "hung" at the end, there.

-No...

-Ashamed? They're not going to be ashamed.

RICHARD: Why is the Royal Mail worth so much money, though?

I don't really understand it.

Perhaps it's because e-mail didn't really catch on.

As you've already pointed out,

Vince arranged for 16 priority investors,

who were offered extra shares as an incentive

to stay on as long-term investors.

And what measures did he put in place to stop them

selling the shares straightaway and stop them making a massive profit?

-You've already said it.

-Absolutely nothing.

A gentleman's agreement...

not to sell the shares.

But Vince Cable insists he wasn't conned

and it was a very good deal for the taxpayer

and, what's more, he's just inherited a million pounds

from a relative in Nigeria!

What are the chances of that?!

Who specifically benefited from the sell-off?

-Edith Clarke.

-That's a good one.

No, it's not Edith.

-Not Edith?!

-Elaine Jenkins.

-Not Elaine.

-If Edith's not involved, Elaine won't go near it.

One of the world's biggest hedge funds made 36 million

on the share deal - Lansdowne Partners,

where a Mr Peter Davies is on the management committee,

who was also George Osborne's best man!

No(!)

It's a small world, isn't it(?)

Now, Sadiq, you voted in parliament

to close a lot of post offices, didn't you?

Yeah.

What was happening, Jennifer, was people discovered this thing

that Richard was talking about called the World Wide Web and e-mail,

-and they were using stamps less, so we tried...

-Yeah...

Those post offices that were not used as much...

-Keep going.

-..closed down,

but keep open those ones that were being used

-and give them more business...

-(For hardworking people.)

-RICHARD: You're not having that, are you?

-Nah!

-SADIQ: Can we edit THAT, by the way?

-I only said it to wind him up.

-I'm not actually interested in the answer.

-Good, Jennifer.

Can you name me another Conservative politician

who's made a few quid recently?

-BELL RINGS

-Tony Blair.

-You don't have to buzz!

-Maria Miller!

Yes!

You've got it! Tell me about her.

She was somebody who claimed for a second home

-when she probably shouldn't have.

-Yes.

What do you mean "probably"?

She's on the other side!

She was in a little bit of trouble, Maria Miller, for claiming

£90,000 expenses on a second home which she then sold for

a million pounds profit. What's so bad about that?

Don't understand.

She was claiming mortgage interest payments,

but when the interest rate dropped, she kept claiming at the same rate.

He parents were living in it...

and she still claimed it was a second home,

even though her parents were in it.

But I now have to say, The Commons Standards Committee

have ordered her to repay £5,800 and apologise to MPs.

They also said her attitude breached MPs' code of conduct.

That must be going some.

Her attitude.

Well, her attitude was not to answer the question.

And when it was said, you know,

"Can you turn up the financial details?", she prevaricated,

avoided the question and refused to answer directly.

This is the Culture Secretary,

-who's going to tell the press how to behave.

-Yes.

-Oh, yes!

So, yes, this is Vince Cable who, when selling the Royal Mail,

undervalued it by around two billion pounds!

In the run up to the sell-off, the government released its

Royal Mail Myth-busters factsheet

which helpfully reassured people...

Although, according to the recently released

Royal Mail Myth-busters Factsheet Myth-busters factsheet,

that's bollocks.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Vegetables. We need to eat more greens. Oh, look at him.

I'm not sure who's eating who there.

Vegetables are very good for you.

You must have seven vegetables a day, rather than five.

Although, it's a struggle for most.

I don't understand who was eating five portions a day,

-how's anyone got time to eat seven?

-I know.

Broccoli! How long does broccoli take to eat.

Exactly.

It's better if you cook it.

That man...that you just showed, that was me.

Erm...

As you can tell from my fantastic physique,

-I've been training for the marathon this year.

-Oh.

It's Snickers now. Come on.

-OK.

-I'm now doing five a day.

-Are you?

-Yeah, miles.

-Hmm.

-And fruit as well.

I was really offended by the joke about...

Eric Pickles that you retweeted.

Which joke was that?

Can I just say, no person should ever have to apologise to Eric Pickles

more than once in their lifetime, so I'm not talking about it.

-Right. OK, I will then. Erm...

-LAUGHTER

Because he's running the marathon, his good friend Neil Kinnock sent

you a personal tweet, didn't he?

Saying, "I hope you take Eric Pickles along

-"and then we'll have a by-election."

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I know. It's sick, isn't it?

-Eric, if you're watching, I apologise again.

-Oh, well done, sir.

And put the remote control down.

Just walk to the telly and come back. Put it down. Start now!

Big fatty.

So during the study at University College London,

what happened to people who ate at least seven portions

-of fruit and vegetables a day for 12 years?

-They didn't die.

-Yes.

The people who were made to eat seven portions

of fruit and vegetables were 42% less likely to die,

no matter how much they wanted to.

What's the Australian government's advice regarding fruit and veg?

-AUSSIE ACCENT:

-Ah, eat what you like.

We're great at cricket. Don't matter.

They recommend eating two portions of fruit and FIVE of vegetables.

Netherlands say two portions twice a day,

which actually, Netherlands, is four.

-That's like...

-This has turned into the Eurovision Song Contest.

Some experts have suggested that we eat ten portions a day.

How have readers of the Daily Telegraph

-been reacting to that news?

-Calmly.

They don't seen too enthusiastic.

Keith Moore of Suffolk writes...

That's the spirit, Keith.

That's brilliant. A bit of realism.

Meanwhile, what does George Osborne do for just two days a week?

-Chancellor.

-Take elocution lessons.

He's on this diet that everyone's on.

You eat for five days, and then for two days you

legislate to stop other people eating.

You fast for two days and it does, in fact, seem to be working.

There he is.

Meanwhile, Eric Pickles went on a no chips, no cheese diet

a couple of years ago. Here he is before...

..and here's what he looked like after.

LAUGHTER

He's got the menu with him.

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, a study in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition

suggests that the best way to lose weight

is to eat like our ancient cavemen ancestors,

a story which the Telegraph chose to illustrate with this.

Yes, it's a picture of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC,

giving Telegraph readers two of their five melons a day.

So, Ian and Sadiq, here's another for you.

-Future Prime Minister.

-Where?

Oh, her? Yeah.

Well, this is Ed Miliband advertising for a media person,

which is what politicians sometimes do.

But his critics... I'm just being devil's advocate here...

..are saying he's a bit desperate, advertising for someone to

help with his broadcasting image now.

I think he doesn't need somebody to help him. Clearly, it's important...

The Government's not creating jobs, so we should create more

-ourselves.

-So that's one.

What's important, Ian, is we advertise for these sorts of jobs

properly, rather than text LOLs here and there.

No. I accept your point that the Tories are the Tories,

and therefore evil.

But there was this poll saying that he was a bit weird. Erm...

and that the public weren't going to vote for him.

Is that a problem for the Labour Party?

Moving towards coming third to UKIP?

-What's important is that we move forward...

-Good.

..and we make sure that we have the right tools

-at our disposal to make sure...

-Tools.

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

-I just said...

-He had a good joke...

-Did he?

-..about the Royal Mail sell-off.

-Oh, yeah?

He said that Cameron wasn't the wolf of Wall Street -

he was the dunce of Downing Street.

Shoo!

-I don't know if you rate that.

-He writes all his own stuff.

-Yeah.

I think we sort of knew that. Erm...

Whoever gets the job with Ed will

also be overseeing all visual images.

Basically, it's to stop pictures appearing of him looking stupid...

-like these.

-LAUGHTER

That's to get the Mexican vote.

Anyone remember Gordon Brown hiring someone to do

this at the end of his time as Prime Minister?

Yes, there was all the sort of grinning. The...sort of stuff.

It looked like he'd been given a small electric shock.

-Anyone remember the name of whoever it was?

-No.

-Nicola Burdett, she was called.

-No.

She had a specific brief to try and stop embarrassing photos

being taken of Gordon.

-He was at a school and I think it was a project.

-Yes.

I don't think it was a local headquarters or...

It wasn't at home with Nigel Farage.

Ed did an odd thing on television the other day.

He appeared to sniff the woman sitting next to him...

..on ITV's show The Agenda.

Cos I would love to see you back in power,

but what I would love you to do is to take risks...

Can anyone show me what this chart shows?

Amount of friends on trial at the moment.

LAUGHTER

Is it body temperature?

LAUGHTER

It's a percentage of people who think leaders are weird

or very weird.

Now, if Ed's looking for pointers,

here's some strong, confident broadcasting

from a Republican candidate in the US.

I'm Joni Ernst.

I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm.

So when I get to Washington,

I'll know how to cut pork.

HOG SQUEALS

LAUGHTER

Was she allowed to castrate hogs

or was it something she just did out of sheer malice?

She just went to the nearest hog farm, "I'll have them. Hey-hey!"

-I have one question about her.

-Only one?

-Mm.

Is she married?

Paul and Richard, here's another for you.

Ah, this, of course, is the flag of the European Union, we know that.

Ah, yes, Nigel Farage and he's on his way to a public ceremony -

gays are allowed to get married since Sunday.

It's fantastic, really good news, brilliant,

and this couple here amongst the first to actually say the rites

and now they're husband and husband.

-Fantastic news.

-Aww, it's lovely.

-It's a lovely story.

A lot of people think it won't last but I'm all for it.

They've had a couple of arguments, a couple of them in public,

but they'll get together as a couple and they'll be absolutely fine.

I think it's the story about Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage

having a TV debate.

I quite enjoyed the debate and I think cos of the way I watched it

because I didn't watch the pictures, I just had the audio,

so I just had the audio and then I turned the volume right down

and I genuinely enjoyed it.

Well, it's slightly odd. You're the Deputy Prime Minister

and you're taking on, on live television,

a man who hasn't got one MP.

-And he wins.

-Mm.

You know, this is supposed to be equal status.

Apparently, Clegg told Farage...

..to which Farage replied...

Now, Nick had some zingers of his own. Did anyone catch any?

There's one saying, "Next, Mr Farage, you'll be telling us that

-"there's a man on the moon and Elvis is still alive."

-Yeah.

Nick Clegg did a whole thing about Nigel Farage's mum.

Did about five minutes about it.

That's right, yeah.

This is the fascinating battle between a political outsider

with crackpot ideas about Europe

and Nigel Farage.

After the debate, Farage was told that the polls gave him

a high approval rating...

to which he replied, "That's very kind of them.

"There's still far too many of them over here."

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-Yes?

-The new set of stamps.

-BUZZER

-Yes?

Is it Nigel Farage's nightmare?

This is the news that new computer software

recognised 21 distinct facial expressions

when before it was thought we only had six.

Ohio State University have discovered that

as well as common facial expressions

such as happy, sad, etc...

I love etc, I can always do etc.

Um, there...

There are compound emotions such as fearfully angry

which looks like this...

Has she just come back from the hairdresser's?

All right, what do you think this one is?

Is it, "Oh, my God, where are my teeth?"

No, this woman is sadly surprised.

Right, now, Ian, I'd like you to demonstrate some of them for me.

Here are three expressions...

-This one's embarrassedly apprehensive.

-No, wait.

These are three expressions you often use,

so please show me disgusted.

LAUGHTER

Angrily disgusted.

This is the Telegraph.

And then disgustedly surprised.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-And, Paul...

-Oh, yes, go on, then.

Yeah, I'd like you to go from happy...

..to happily surprised.

Wait, there's a third!

Fearfully disgusted.

LAUGHTER

Now, according to the Mail...

Who won on points?

I don't know.

You did a whole black and white film at the end.

Silent.

According to the Mail, we reserve sadly angry

for when someone we care about upsets us.

Sadiq, would you show us your face

whenever Ed Miliband opens his mouth?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-It's really unfair.

-It's gone too far now.

I'm sorry. Gone too far.

He's been doing broadly supportive for about an hour.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Fingers on the buzzers, teams.

-Ian?

-Is that the killer smog?

Yeah, got to be.

In fact, the Daily Mirror says it's...

..which sounds pretty bad

while The Sun asks the question...

and gives the answer...

What has caused these dust clouds, please?

Pollution from Europe and sand from the Sahara.

The weather conditions have been such that the wind hasn't moved much,

it's been very still and so this is pollution.

Apparently, it's not our pollution at all.

I think you're being a touch Farage-y because I did read that...

-"A touch Farage-y."

-That's what that look is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a certain amount of our pollution here and...

I mentioned that, you great twit!

No, you just said it was London, it's all of it.

-Oh, it's all of it, yeah.

-Yeah.

Because we failed to hit the targets for the dreaded EU clean air act.

Cameron said it's unacceptable...

as of this morning.

This is the smog caused by sand from the Sahara.

One environmental expert went as far as to say...

Nice try, Charles.

According to The Sun,

one resident described street scenes in Southend as...

And then the smog descended.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

One between you this week. Fingers on buzzers.

Your four are...

Liza Minelli,

the birth rate in Denmark,

a cash machine in Nottingham

and the Turkish Prime Minster's voice.

SADIQ: I think the Turkish Prime Minister, Erdogan, lost his voice.

-RICHARD: I'm not surprised the way he flosses, look.

-Yeah, dreadful.

LAUGHTER

-SADIQ: In Denmark the birth rate's gone down. It's low.

-Yeah.

Erm, Liza Minelli.

Has she lost her voice?

-No.

-She was in that selfie photograph, wasn't she?

-The Hollywood...

-The Oscars selfie one.

-The most-tweeted picture ever.

-Yeah.

-And she's at the back.

-She's at the back. She can't be seen,

but she's there. So she's too low.

-So the birth rate is low.

-Mm-hm.

Now, his voice, I don't know the Turkish Prime Minister,

but maybe his voice is high. Maybe he's had his voice lowered.

The cashpoint machine in Nottingham was on the wall too high,

so the wall should have been lower and she should have been higher.

-You're so close.

-SADIQ: We think the cash machine was too low,

-just like Liza Minnelli.

-You are so close!

-The odd one out is the Turkish Prime Minister.

-It is, but why?

-He's high.

-Ian's got it. They are all too low,

apart from the voice of the Turkish Prime Minister,

which was too high.

Last week, the Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Erdogan,

gave a campaign speech in which his voice rose

to an inexplicably high pitch.

Here's how he usually sounds...

HE SPEAKS TURKISH AT NORMAL PITCH

And here's what happened

and, honestly, we haven't tampered with the audio.

HE SPEAKS IN VERY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE

He's clearly doing an impression of something.

In truth, he had a sore throat

and had to be voiced by Sarah Millican.

The cash machine in Nottingham. Yes, this cash machine

was outside a supermarket and it made the news this week

for being just 15 inches off the ground, and here it is.

That's like me with a normal cash machine, if I'm honest.

Obviously, the first thing you need to do is check your balance,

otherwise you'll fall over.

-Liza Minnelli...

-Yeah.

-She was too short to get into the back

-of a group selfie taken at this year's Oscars...

-I didn't know that.

There's the selfie, and here's the view behind.

-There she is!

-AUDIENCE: Aw...

Liza with a Z...but no ladder.

There we go.

Aw. I haven't seen an actress cut out of a photo like that

since Chris Martin started going through his holiday snaps.

And it's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week

features, as its guest publication, Your Chickens.

Very wisely, the issues aren't numbered

because, as we know, it's best not to count your chickens.

And we start with...

What?

RICHARD: If you think that's bad, I used to be called Sandra Herpes.

Sandra Clapp asks...

-Aw, poor Sandra.

-Next.

SADIQ: This shower of Government have run out of ideas

and don't know what to put in the Queen's Speech.

RICHARD: Because Colin Firth is still refusing to play the part.

The answer is...

Yeah! Sadiq said that! He said that!

Right, next.

-What?

-Seeks similar.

Good sense of humour essential.

Is it, ironically catches fire?

The crisps in question were actually Walkers crisps.

I thought they were Frazzles!

They are now.

Fire crews were alerted after the sound of fire was picked up

by a powerful listening device -

Gary Lineker's ears.

And finally...

RICHARD: Liza Minnelli?

JENNIFER CHUCKLES

Boris Johnson!

Think chicken.

Oh, um.. No, I can't say that.

The answer is...

This is the cockerel who managed to hide himself amongst

a group of hens without being discovered.

The cockerel now lives under the watchful eye of Claire MacDonald

of a farm she presumably inherited from her father...

..Old.

So the final scores are -

Paul's team has six

and Ian's team has 10.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

RICHARD: If anyone knows of any just impediment or unlawful porpoise...

Next.

-AS PRINCE PHILIP:

-What the fuck's this?!

Not remotely witty at all. I do apologise.

And also, I don't think the Pope would say that.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists...

-Is that it?!

-Yes, it is.

..Ian Hislop and Sadiq Khan, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.

I leave you with news that, in Los Angeles, a leading cosmetic surgeon

takes delivery of Jennifer Lopez's new buttock implants.

In Kuala Lumpur, the Malaysian military admit

their initial attempts to find the

missing plane were somewhat substandard.

And the hidden camera captures the scene below Richard Osman's

desk in the Pointless studio.

-Good night.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE