Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan, and in the news this week,

at the NUT headquarters,

as Michael Gove gets stuck in a lift,

he's reassured it'll be repaired in no time...

..secret footage shows the truth about how Lidl make their salad...

..and in Kent, some UKIP supporters are hypnotised

and told to kill the Prime Minister.

NIGEL: That's a bit rich!

On Paul's team tonight is the leader of UKIP,

who was recently interviewed in his Mayfair office by Alastair Campbell,

thus giving the sniper across the street with one bullet

a terrible dilemma.

Please welcome Nigel Farage.

Thank you.

And with Ian tonight,

bringing our percentage of women on the show

to well above that of the coalition Cabinet,

it's comedian Roisin Conaty.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Roisin, have a look at this.

Oh, this is Maria Miller. She's gone, going into a house, not hers.

Oh, she's changed her outfit.

There's another house. That's probably hers.

Oh, and it's a duck house. That's where she put her parents to live.

LAUGHTER

No, he doesn't think that's funny either.

-She's resigned.

-She's resigned! She's gone.

She said it was because she'd brought in gay marriage

and the evil press were out to get her.

But, you know, that's unfair, cos...

We were. Er...

But she did actually threaten the Telegraph when they brought it up.

One of her assistants said,

"My boss is in charge of Leveson and press behaviour."

The reason she went is the public are furious.

They've had enough of MPs claiming expenses

and it's very damaging for everyone, isn't it, Nigel?

Nigel, what do you think about her resigning?

On the basis she doesn't even know where she lives,

I wouldn't have thought she's fit to be in the Cabinet, would you?

I'd say good riddance, frankly.

I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians

using all these expenses to better themselves.

It's disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?

It's absolutely disgraceful, Mr Kettle.

So why was Cameron so reluctant to get rid of her?

He didn't want to look weak,

he didn't want to lose one of the women in his Cabinet

and he doesn't like being told what to do.

And he's indecisive.

And he's hopeless.

It's not like the real world, is it?

She's lost her job but she's just gone to the back benches,

so it's not like...

It's like school - she had to stand up and say,

"Sorry for my attitude," and then got told to sit at the back of the class.

She was a woman who went to a comprehensive,

so he's done pretty well to communicate with her up till now.

In her resignation, she apologised.

-She said she was leaving because she'd become a "distraction".

-Yes.

Cats in tights on the internet are a distraction.

The press kept commissioning opinion polls,

all which said she should quit.

This is something David Cameron had actually told his MPs

to think about when the expenses scandal broke in 2009...

Well, Dave, it looks a bit like this...

And Sky News weren't to be left out.

They conducted its very own scientific survey of MPs.

Did you see this?

Two people think she should be sacked, one thinks no,

13 - no comment.

-It's not a very big poll, is it?

-No.

-It's barely a quiz.

-Is that a PLO scarf she's wearing?

-It is, actually, yeah.

Who's replaced Maria Miller?

-Sajid...

-Sajid Javid.

-What you said.

-That's it.

He's completely different.

He used to work for a merchant bank.

Yeah.

Didn't he take over within three hours?

If you can leave your job within three hours,

your job probably isn't really worth anything.

Three hours?

It took me two interviews to get a job in Woolworths.

Yeah, but that's a proper job.

-Yeah, exactly.

-It's harder now they've gone bankrupt.

Much harder.

Maria Miller's resignation attracted the usual bunch of rent-a-quotes...

That was Nigel Farage.

The same Nigel Farage who, in 2009, revealed that as an MEP,

he'd claimed, in expenses...

AUDIENCE BOOS

And who was it that brought up the issue of £2 million and me

and taxpayers' money?

-Denis MacShane.

-Yeah, he's in jail, but you're not.

-Yes, I had noticed that.

-Good. Erm...

Yes, well, as a tax-funded MEP,

Nigel Farage is an equal opportunities employer.

Some of our money has gone to his wife

and some to his mistress.

Erm, I think that is "allegedly", don't you?

I think that is "allegedly".

We can set the record straight right now.

I think you ought to say "allegedly", quite honestly.

Can I say, as a member of the press,

I think actors really are in need of a royal charter.

I mean, that sort of allegation is pretty distressing.

Is it true?

-No, afraid not.

-Not true at all.

-Not true at all.

-Any of the good bits?

LAUGHTER Well, that's...

There are good bits?!

-I'll tell you afterwards.

-Right.

-HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

-Let's have a look, shall we,

at some of those revelations.

Here is Nikki Sinclaire, a former UKIP MEP,

now representing the We Demand A Referendum Party

in the European Parliament.

Take a close look at the reaction of the translator

in the bottom left corner of the screen.

Does Mr Farage think it's a fair use of taxpayers' money,

namely his secretarial allowance, not only to employ his wife, Kirsten,

but his former mistress, Annabelle Fuller?

Is this a responsible use of taxpayers' money, Mr Farage?

I would just say this to you, Chairman -

this is somebody who hid under the cloak of parliamentary privilege

to make those comments and, when asked to repeat them publically,

refused to do so.

Quite funny, though.

David Cameron was very rude about your people, wasn't he, Nigel?

Oh, he always is. He can't help himself.

-Fruitcakes?

-Fruitcakes and loonies.

-And loonies, and worse.

-He said worse than that.

-He did.

-Extremists.

-Extremists?

-Yeah.

-Shocking(!)

-Well, I think it's time...

-LAUGHTER

I think it's time for a game of Fruitcake or Loony?

OK, everyone, fingers on your buzzers.

I'll show you some UKIP party members.

You have to buzz in and tell me whether they're a fruitcake...

..or a loony.

Here's the first one.

-NIGEL: I don't know who he is.

-Ian.

-I'm just guessing. Fruitcake.

-I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.

He's a loony.

He's a would-be UKIP counsellor and loony John Sullivan, who wrote...

Which is quite right, Mr Sullivan, and that's why you'll never see

a gay man down the gym.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers. Here's your next one.

BUZZER

-Nigel Farage, UKIP party.

-Uh...

This is a bit tricky this one.

Cos he's the treasurer of one of our biggest donors.

I wouldn't really like to call Stuart Wheeler either.

-I'll have to go for fruitcake.

-Is the correct answer.

He got it right.

Yes, this is UKIP party treasurer Stuart Wheeler

and fruitcake who said that women have no place in the boardroom

and couldn't compete with men at sports,

even when they're not physically disadvantaged. He said...

Final go, fruitcake or loony?

Don't know the chap.

-No, anyone?

-I'm going to go for loony.

-Is the wrong answer.

It's actually a trick question.

He's not a fruitcake nor a loony, he's a closet racist.

At a public meeting about Travellers he said...

-His name is Rob Fraser.

-Thanks for telling me.

-There you go.

-UKIP supporter.

-Nice chap, buys his round.

So, back to Maria Miller.

Here's Sky News' Kay Burley getting some reactions.

So, how has David Cameron come out of this?

Let's talk to two conservative MPs. Ben Harris-Quinney and Mark Wallace.

It's very kind of you to promote me to being an MP

but I haven't been elected by the people. I'm a mere humble blogger.

I'm quite happy arguing on the internet about politics, thank you.

Do you like being an MP, Ben?

-I'm not an MP either, I'm afraid.

-Oh, OK.

It's where the news happens second.

You can't see the bottom half of Kay Burley there

because she is busy kicking the researcher to death under her desk.

All three of them are bald and playing a game of musical wigs.

This is the resignation of Maria Miller,

the Minister for Culture. Accepting Maria Miller's resignation,

David Cameron praised her achievements including the fact

that thanks to her many more people...

Thus helping 180,000 of them

to sign an online petition calling for her to quit.

The only person to deliver a less credible apology this week

was Oscar Pistorius.

Her replacement, Sajid Javid, is a rising star at the Treasury

whose background as a former vice president at Chase Manhattan Bank

and then head of Deutsche Bank's Global Credit Trading,

Structured Finance and Securitisation in Asia

makes him the perfect choice for Culture Secretary.

Paul and Nigel, take a look at this.

This is New Zealand.

This is the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, oh...

-NIGEL: What's he want to do with that?

-I don't know.

-Bit disturbing, isn't it?

-Is that the new baby? It is, I think.

Future King George.

There was a piece in the paper about how much he looked like his father.

Which was considered newsworthy.

-So, they've been to New Zealand.

-It's good news for the royal family.

It's nice, isn't it? It's good.

Bit of an exclusive, I think. A scoop.

What the prince picked up was, in fact, a poisoned dart. Is that right?

I don't know.

-To prove that he's friend rather than foe.

-I think that's right.

And he had to maintain eye contact throughout.

Although those tattooed buttocks might have been

a bit of a distraction. I'm not sure.

Were they distracting for you, Nigel?

Not personally.

We are, Ian...

-As you know, we're a very liberal-minded party.

-Absolutely.

I was going to suggest there's a gym nearby.

Flex your manifesto.

Yes, this is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.

-How did they begin their visit?

-They got off a plane.

Is the right answer.

Local knowledge helped there.

What did Prince George do for the first time in New Zealand?

He waved. Yep, he's picked it up. Which is 90% of the job so...

Yes, he had his first official engagement, meeting dignitaries

including John Key, New Zealand's Prime Minister.

According to the Daily Mail...

..he made quite an impression on the baby.

Meanwhile in royal news back home, what's going on here?

This is the first visit to England by an Irish President.

That's him there. The little guy, Michael Higgins.

Rather overawed by where he is, I think.

I mean, he is a funny little fellow. There's no two ways about it.

My Irish cousins say the same so I'm trying not to be impolite.

It's of great historical significance.

-Who did he bring with him?

-McGuinness.

-Martin McGuinness.

He didn't technically bring him with him, did he?

It makes it sound like it's his plus one.

They had dinner and a lot of people complained saying,

"What is Martin McGuinness doing at a dinner with the Queen?"

-Eating.

-Eating.

-And toasting.

-Yeah.

-He toasted the Queen.

-He did.

Which I thought the complaints rather missed the point.

Which is when you make a peace treaty you do it with people

who don't like you very much.

And better to have him in a white tie than in a black beret

throwing things, really.

-What did the Queen wear to mark this occasion?

-Balaclava?

With the crown on top.

Make him feel at ease.

Break the tension a little bit.

"It's me!"

Yes, as a reference to the Emerald Isle

she wore the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia's tiara.

Which is decorated with emeralds.

This is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.

The Daily Mail devoted eight pages of photos of the Royal Prince.

Which is fair enough

because nobody's ever seen a fucking baby before.

APPLAUSE

Back in the UK, the Queen hosted a state visit for the Irish President.

Controversially, they were joined at Windsor Castle by former

IRA Commander Martin McGuinness for a sumptuous banquet.

Though the choice of dessert was perhaps a little insensitive.

"Vanilla ice cream BOMBE."

-And so to Round Two, the One Armed Bandit Of News.

-Hurray!

Fingers on buzzer, team, here's the first one.

BUZZER

George Bush has proved that he's got some paint and a brush.

-And that's not too bad, I suppose. That's Tony Blair, I think.

-Is it?

I thought it was Putin.

I think he does the one face, to be honest. That is Putin with hair.

So, it's George Bush, he's become a painter.

-Now we know what he did with all that oil.

-Yeah, exactly.

He loves oil - painting, crude.

Baby?

Very little evidence for that.

Anyone know where this exhibition is being held?

It's in his front room.

It's at...

It's the one without the queue.

Have a guess who the people he painted are supposed to be.

First up, who's this?

-NIGEL: That's Vlad.

-That is Vlad. Vladimir Putin.

It looks like he's only paid 50% of the sunbed fee.

A brown forehead in Russia is seen as a sign of weakness.

Who's this fella?

-NIGEL: Silvio Berlusconi.

-No, that's Bob Monkhouse.

Here's my favourite. It's Rafa Benitez.

-Not really. That's Nouri al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister.

-Yeah.

His chin looks very close and his forehead looks very far away.

Sense of perspective always George's problem.

It's quite sad. Clinton and Blair, they're still on the world stage

and he's just painting people he used to know.

Sort of imagine him putting them all on chairs

and sort of chatting to them.

Where might his pictures find a permanent home?

Landfill.

They might end up in the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts.

Let's have a look at some of the exhibits.

This is the "Mana Lisa."

And here's one of the Obamas.

-Nigel, have you had your portrait done?

-No.

How would you describe your look?

-Ragged.

-Ragged?

-Mm.

Anyone else have a view on how Nigel looks?

Swivel-eyed.

Well, I think Defence Minister Anna Soubry described you best,

Nigel, when she told viewers of Andrew Marr's programme:

Wow!

APPLAUSE

That's what we expect.

I get lonely.

These are the paintings by former President George W Bush.

His paintings were descried as...

..by one art critic. As...

..by another. But as "magnificent masterpieces worthy of Michelangelo"

by Tony Blair.

Here's George Bush's portrait of Tony Blair.

To be fair, it is quite a good likeness.

The lies follow you round the room.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BELL RINGS

This is the most powerful number - seven.

Is that right? They did a survey. I must have read this somewhere.

They have done a survey and seven is the world's favourite number.

-Ah, favourite number.

-Yes.

Alex Bellos asked 44,000 people to submit their favourite number

and seven proved the most popular. He describes it as:

"The Nigel Farage of the number world."

-Shall we go through the top ten world's favourite numbers?

-Yes.

Yeah.

What's at number one? Number ten, sorry.

So, number ten. What do you think?

-Number nine is number ten.

-No.

-Number eight.

-No.

-Number ten's number ten.

-No.

-Number one.

-No.

All numbers are available.

Oh, 128.

No, at number ten, the tenth most popular number is, in fact, 11.

-At nine.

-It's ten.

-No.

-40.

-No.

-21.

-No.

At number nine is the number two.

The most popular number in eighth position is...six.

The seventh most popular number is nine,

and the sixth most popular number is 13.

OK, here's the top five.

PICK OF THE POPS THEME PLAYS

This is going to be on Channel 4 for a whole evening.

There will be some talking heads in a minute.

"What do you think of six?" "Yeah, love it."

"I've always liked five cos it's a working class number.

"That's what I like about five.

"I think that three, when I was first growing up, I thought

"three was a magnificent..." Oh, sorry!

I've started auditioning! Sorry.

-Where am I?

-Let's firstly complete the top five.

-At number five is five.

-Brilliant.

-Number is four.

-Yes!

-And number three is...eight.

-Oh!

At number two...

-One.

-..is three.

And, of course, seven is the top one at number one.

But the study did ask people

to describe the numbers between one and ten.

Two was thought to be:

How do you think three was described?

Nostalgic, sexy, unreliable.

Three is:

Oh, God!

Four, according to the people who responded to the survey, is:

Yeah, this is absolute bollocks, isn't it?

-Nigel...

-Nigel Four-age.

-Four-age.

-Ah. Dear.

-Nigel, you were once given a can of 7 Up by your UKIP pals.

-I was, I remember that now. Yes.

-Why was that?

-I've forgotten the reason.

-Oh. Well, luckily, I do know.

-Oh, really?

According to former Deputy Party Leader Mike Nattrass -

is that how you say it?

I'm trying to forget but go on.

It was allegedly a prize for bedding a Latvian woman

seven times in one night.

That definitely, definitely is not true. I promise you.

This is a study which found that

the most popular favourite number is seven.

According to the survey:

So perhaps 110 should try harder next time.

It needs to give, I don't know,

a certain amount of percent more effort.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

One between you this week. Your four are:

Gay marriage. Sheep.

Alan Titchmarsh.

And Noah.

Well, I think that given that UKIP

is the butt of virtually every joke this evening,

-er, there has to be...

-Oh, that's unfair. Only in this studio!

Very good.

Gay marriage. Do you remember all those gales we had,

and all the rain and everything? I mean, it was bad weather!

And I'm not saying that I agree with him, but, er...

the UKIP chap said...

that if we had gay marriage, we would get terrible weather events

-of Biblical proportions.

-Yeah.

Meaning floods.

Alan Titchmarsh was involved in a big row because people were digging up

their lawns and building, you know, terraces and patios,

and there was a big debate

as to whether that was contributing towards floods or not.

And the sheep thing, it was in Wales,

which it always is with sheep, isn't it?

And there's a chap who writes for the Guardian,

called George Monbiot,

and he says that sheep grazing all the hills

and compacting all the soil, have led to floods.

And Noah, of course, built a boat to avoid floods.

So Noah's the odd one out because the others have all predicted

how floods would come about and Noah sailed away on a flood.

Is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

-Well done.

-Yeah.

I knew it had to be. I mean...

-had to be.

-Yes, they've all been blamed for the flooding,

apart from Noah, who wasn't. Having been spared

from the floods due to his lack of wickedness,

what did Noah do once the Ark had landed?

He got drunk.

-He did!

-And he was punished by, er...

much later, a film being made.

With Russell Crowe playing him.

With a sort of Irish/Hebrew accent.

Go on, give us a flavour of it.

IMITATES CROWE AS NOAH:

Where are those two elephants gone now?!

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Yes. What did the Queen say to Titchmarsh when he got his MBE?

"Put that ashtray back!"

According to Al, Her Majesty said:

UKIP councillor David Silvester blamed the recent storms and floods

on the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage.

If David Silvester really knows his Bible,

he'll also have read the Book of Exodus, where God threatens:

And if there's one thing UKIP hates more than gays...

That is quite funny.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Norfolk On My Mind.

It's at the same time both free

and overpriced.

We start with:

What?

"Have you ever thought of tossing yourself off?"

Max Miller lives!

It is a Max Miller joke, absolutely. 1943.

"They go quiet."

Next:

Optimism!

People who've been to Norfolk.

Given the theme of tonight, "UKIP voters", it could be, couldn't it?

Close.

APPLAUSE

Scientists are searching for microbes in Yorkshire

which they believe could show humans

are descended from Martian life forms. Next:

ROISIN: With her own faeces.

The answer is:

Finally:

And now I can't put my trousers on or pronounce the letter W.

"..to see where it hurt the most."

This is Michael Smith's postgraduate study

in which he deliberately provoked bees to sting him

all over his body. He said:

No-one's forcing you, you weirdo!

So, the final scores are...

Nigel and Paul have six points,

but sneaking up and winning,

it's Roisin and Ian with seven points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And I leave you with news that

after a long, drunken night out with friends,

William Hague tries to sneak back into the office...

..in Westminster, as part of their induction course,

the new batch of Conservative interns are send to find out

how ordinary people travel to work...

..and at a political gathering in Bournemouth,

after desperately trying to find a toilet,

Nick Clegg picks an opportune moment to urinate from a balcony.

Good night.