Episode 3 Have I Got News for You


Episode 3

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:280:00:31

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

0:00:370:00:40

I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

0:00:400:00:42

In the news this week, as delegates gather

0:00:420:00:45

for the official G8 summit photo, there's speculation about

0:00:450:00:49

how the Russians will react to being left out.

0:00:490:00:52

News reaches St George's Hospital

0:00:580:01:00

that health Minister Jeremy Hunt has got lockjaw.

0:01:000:01:04

And as the Conservatives continue to poll badly outside

0:01:130:01:17

the south-east, the government prepares to switch off the north.

0:01:170:01:21

On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian who once did a show

0:01:270:01:31

about the history of German humour.

0:01:310:01:34

It was an hour long with a 58-minute interval.

0:01:340:01:37

Please welcome Henning Wehn.

0:01:370:01:39

APPLAUSE

0:01:390:01:42

Vielen Dank.

0:01:420:01:44

And with Paul tonight is a columnist for the Sunday Times who, like me,

0:01:470:01:51

is the rarest of creatures, a Murdoch journalist who isn't in court.

0:01:510:01:55

Please welcome Camilla Long.

0:01:550:01:59

APPLAUSE

0:01:590:02:01

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

0:02:030:02:06

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

0:02:060:02:09

-Putin with a black halo.

-A man very angry with a Russian flag.

0:02:130:02:16

Oh, look, it's Clarkson!

0:02:160:02:18

"The boys go to the Ukraine."

0:02:210:02:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:02:290:02:32

-THE Ukraine is racist.

-Is it?

0:02:350:02:37

Which is why in Top Gear when we went to Ukraine,

0:02:370:02:40

-all the "the"s were taken out.

-Oh, really?

0:02:400:02:42

Yes, so it sounded like we were all from Yorkshire, "We were going t'Ukraine."

0:02:420:02:46

This is Putin and by the time this goes out there maybe a world war...

0:02:490:02:54

declared, or it may be peace, what you reckon?

0:02:540:02:56

Well, it's essentially a civil war, isn't it?

0:02:560:02:58

There's one part of the Soviet Union having a bit of an argy-bargy

0:02:580:03:02

with another part of the Soviet Union.

0:03:020:03:04

It's all even further east than Romania, so who cares?

0:03:040:03:07

LAUGHTER

0:03:070:03:09

Do you know, I don't think you've been over here long enough.

0:03:120:03:15

For a start, it's not the Soviet Union any more.

0:03:150:03:18

It's the Russian Federation.

0:03:180:03:20

Secondly, Ukraine is a sovereign state, it's not a civil war,

0:03:200:03:23

it's a certain amount of agents provocateurs

0:03:230:03:25

sent in by the Russians.

0:03:250:03:27

-But apart from that, your analysis is terrific.

-Thank you very much.

0:03:270:03:31

Yesterday, they had a breakthrough, didn't they, in Geneva?

0:03:330:03:36

-What have they agreed?

-I have no idea.

0:03:360:03:38

They're going to have tea in the mornings,

0:03:380:03:40

followed by biscuits at 11.

0:03:400:03:42

There's a diplomatic breakthrough on the news,

0:03:420:03:44

-which everybody will be rejoicing and celebrating tomorrow.

-Possibly.

0:03:440:03:48

You are right, it is the worsening situation in the Ukraine.

0:03:480:03:51

I am a bit of an expert on this because I was there...

0:03:510:03:53

-Did I just say THE Ukraine?

-You did.

0:03:530:03:56

-You're right, this is the worsening situation in...Ukraine.

-Ukraine.

0:03:580:04:03

-I am a bit of an expert.

-Did you drive there in car?

0:04:030:04:06

I'm sorry, car means cock in Albanian.

0:04:090:04:12

When will you learn to try and hold yourself back?

0:04:120:04:15

Car means cock in English as well, to be fair.

0:04:150:04:18

LAUGHTER

0:04:180:04:20

Some of them are automatic.

0:04:230:04:24

According to the Guardian,

0:04:260:04:28

the Ukrainian government is very worried about cities like...

0:04:280:04:31

Them. So the UN is sending an emergency consignment of vowels.

0:04:340:04:38

What have the West done about Russian aggression?

0:04:400:04:43

-Nothing at all.

-That's exactly right.

-Threatened some sanctions.

0:04:430:04:47

What's William Hague been saying?

0:04:470:04:48

-T'Ukraine is what he's been saying.

-He says...

0:04:480:04:52

I wonder if he's talking about the European Rapid Reaction Force.

0:05:030:05:06

Which I seem to recall he mentioned when I was on this show in 2003.

0:05:060:05:11

Have we got a clip of that?

0:05:110:05:12

At a European mini-summit,

0:05:120:05:14

ministers called for the creation of a European Rapid Reaction Force.

0:05:140:05:18

So the next time there's a war to be fought,

0:05:180:05:20

they can decide to do nothing even faster.

0:05:200:05:23

The Rapid Reaction Force will consist of soldiers from Belgium, France

0:05:230:05:26

and Luxembourg. Ooh, scary!

0:05:260:05:29

See, that's the danger of doing this show, it comes back to bite you.

0:05:320:05:36

When you're Foreign Secretary, we'll play it in.

0:05:360:05:39

-Would you like to see what Prince William has been doing?

-Yes.

0:05:410:05:45

William went to an aircraft factory where he revealed

0:05:450:05:47

his passion for flying despite having left the IRA.

0:05:470:05:50

Er, the RAF.

0:05:500:05:51

He's the best sleeper they've ever had.

0:06:010:06:03

This is the growing crisis in eastern Ukraine,

0:06:050:06:08

or if you're watching the repeat, western Russia.

0:06:080:06:11

According to the Daily Mail...

0:06:110:06:13

Four? The entire air force? Are we mad?

0:06:190:06:23

Paul and Camilla, take a look at this.

0:06:240:06:27

Right, yes, the Houses of Parliament obviously.

0:06:270:06:30

-Beer being served very quickly.

-CAMILLA: Phwoar!

0:06:300:06:33

It's the Palace of Sexminster, isn't it? It's the survey that said that

0:06:350:06:39

a third of people get groped when they go into Westminster.

0:06:390:06:43

A third of their person gets groped.

0:06:430:06:46

-A minimum.

-The head and the knees are left alone.

0:06:460:06:48

But the odd thing about that footage was the fact that there was

0:06:480:06:52

a woman in the car, when I think it's mostly men who are being targeted.

0:06:520:06:56

Yes, 40% of all the men said

0:06:560:06:58

they'd received unwanted sexual advances.

0:06:580:07:01

-Yes.

-And 60% were quite pleased.

0:07:010:07:03

33% said they had personally experience...

0:07:060:07:09

What's the difference between sexual harassment and unwanted sexual advances?

0:07:090:07:12

Why am I looking at you, Camilla? Why am I not looking at the men?

0:07:120:07:16

I don't know why you're looking at any of us really.

0:07:160:07:18

I think that probably counts as sexual harassment from you.

0:07:180:07:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:07:220:07:25

How did one Conservative MP react to the findings?

0:07:270:07:30

"Would the Prime Minister please take his hand off my knee?"

0:07:300:07:34

Did he say, "It never happened to me"?

0:07:360:07:38

With bitterness and regret.

0:07:380:07:40

He expressed the view that those who believe themselves to be

0:07:400:07:44

victims of unwanted sexual advances should toughen up and grow a pair.

0:07:440:07:49

And then presumably keep them well away from MPs.

0:07:490:07:53

Who definitely ISN'T guilty of rape and sexual assault?

0:07:530:07:57

It's comedy gold, this first round.

0:08:000:08:03

Nigel Evans.

0:08:040:08:05

Yes! There you go, I knew you'd know it.

0:08:050:08:07

It is the Deputy Speaker, Nigel Evans -

0:08:070:08:09

cleared of all charges at Preston Crown Court.

0:08:090:08:13

His defence to one of the charges

0:08:130:08:14

was that his conduct had simply been...

0:08:140:08:16

It's quite surprising

0:08:210:08:22

that that endears him back to the party, isn't it?

0:08:220:08:25

Course, now everyone goes -

0:08:250:08:26

"Oh, yeah, he was unfairly shafted", and...

0:08:260:08:29

I think your English idiom needs a little...

0:08:330:08:36

..brushing up.

0:08:380:08:39

HENNING LAUGHS

0:08:390:08:41

In alcohol and rudeness-related news - there we are -

0:08:440:08:47

which pub caused a stir when it announced it was reopening

0:08:470:08:51

after building work?

0:08:510:08:52

Is there a clue in "stir"?

0:08:520:08:54

No - it was the Wig and Pen pub in Truro, Cornwall.

0:08:540:08:57

Let's have a look.

0:08:570:08:58

HENNING: That was a scandal, that was.

0:08:580:09:00

Mostly lawyers going there.

0:09:050:09:07

Yes, this is the sex-and-booze culture in Westminster.

0:09:090:09:13

Much of the inappropriate behaviour takes place in the...

0:09:130:09:16

Though, as the old saying goes,

0:09:180:09:20

"There's no such thing as a stranger,

0:09:200:09:22

"just a researcher you haven't groped yet."

0:09:220:09:24

Ian and Henning, here's another for you.

0:09:250:09:28

Ah, it's Nigel Farage.

0:09:290:09:31

There he is - shaking hands with grannies.

0:09:310:09:33

"Hello!" he says.

0:09:330:09:34

And there's his headquarters.

0:09:340:09:36

That's a barn in East Sussex.

0:09:360:09:37

That's the Farage Mobile.

0:09:370:09:39

And that's the expenses claims.

0:09:390:09:41

Expenses being chopped up - there he is, he's being arrested.

0:09:420:09:45

"Will you come quietly?" "What do you think?"

0:09:450:09:48

The entire British establishment, all the newspapers,

0:09:480:09:51

is terrified at the thought of Farage winning.

0:09:510:09:53

So they've conducted a story about £60,000 of expenses

0:09:530:09:57

going into his own bank account which are unaccounted for.

0:09:570:10:00

Isn't that awful?

0:10:000:10:02

If that actually is the worst they can come up with,

0:10:040:10:07

that isn't much, really, is it?

0:10:070:10:09

It would be more damage with his voters

0:10:090:10:11

if they had a picture of him eating linguine.

0:10:110:10:14

No?

0:10:180:10:19

"What's he eating that foreign muck for?"

0:10:190:10:21

CAMILLA: Didn't he argue

0:10:240:10:25

that it wasn't actually expenses?

0:10:250:10:27

It was a kind of pre-ordained allowance.

0:10:270:10:30

What he says is that you get an allowance from Europe

0:10:300:10:32

and you can do with it whatever you like.

0:10:320:10:34

They say the one thing you can't do with it

0:10:340:10:36

is fund yourself to go around the country

0:10:360:10:38

saying, "Isn't Brussels rubbish?"

0:10:380:10:39

Uh...they think that's taking the piss.

0:10:390:10:42

You see the latest allegation concerning UKIP's finances?

0:10:420:10:45

-Yeah - it was a much bigger amount, though, wasn't it?

-Much bigger.

0:10:450:10:49

£267,000 has gone missing from the party's coffers.

0:10:490:10:54

A spokesman for UKIP's new Costa del Sol office

0:10:540:10:57

said they had absolutely no idea where it had gone.

0:10:570:11:00

That is funny that you mention it,

0:11:000:11:02

because that was, again, published by the Times.

0:11:020:11:05

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Nigel Farage or UKIP,

0:11:050:11:08

even though they are, at least,

0:11:080:11:10

implementing Otto von Bismarck's policy of isolating Britain, but...

0:11:100:11:14

APPLAUSE

0:11:170:11:20

Really, it all seems to be a campaign.

0:11:210:11:23

So, any idea where this money might be?

0:11:230:11:25

I haven't got it.

0:11:250:11:27

Truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows.

0:11:300:11:33

Yes, this is Nigel Farage's latest attempt

0:11:330:11:36

to convince us that he's a proper politician -

0:11:360:11:38

suit, neat hair, questionable expenses claims.

0:11:380:11:41

That should do it.

0:11:410:11:42

Meanwhile, a new survey found that...

0:11:430:11:46

That's an astonishing statistic,

0:11:500:11:52

cos it means that 7% of people DO know who their MEP is.

0:11:520:11:56

Who are these weirdos?

0:11:580:11:59

Paul and Camilla, here's another for you.

0:12:010:12:03

Ah, yes, this is the hairdressing salon in Ealing

0:12:040:12:07

which put up a picture of Kim Jong-un

0:12:070:12:10

with his haircut, saying, "This is a bad hair day"

0:12:100:12:13

and that's North Korea, seeing how close they are to Ealing.

0:12:130:12:16

The North Korean embassy is only ten minutes away.

0:12:180:12:20

And they noticed men in dark suits were taking notes outside.

0:12:200:12:23

They went in and said, "Can you remove the image because it is disrespectful?"

0:12:230:12:27

And the salon owner said, "No way! Get out!"

0:12:270:12:29

And called the police.

0:12:290:12:31

When a reporter from the Times rang the embassy to ask

0:12:310:12:33

if it had actually made a criminal complaint about the poster,

0:12:330:12:36

what answer did it get?

0:12:360:12:38

They said no? Did they deny it?

0:12:380:12:39

It's interesting - the man who answered it replied...

0:12:390:12:41

We've got photos of embassies for you to get an idea

0:12:450:12:48

of what embassies look like.

0:12:480:12:49

This is the Mauritian embassy.

0:12:490:12:51

-Very grand.

-Lovely.

0:12:510:12:53

-Lithuanian embassy.

-Yeah.

0:12:530:12:54

And here is the North Korean embassy.

0:12:540:12:56

-HENNING: Good German car, though.

-That semi-detached

0:12:590:13:02

is the South Korean embassy next door, by any chance?

0:13:020:13:05

They don't talk to each other, across a high fence?

0:13:050:13:07

North Korean state television ran a five-part series recently

0:13:070:13:10

to promote neat haircuts.

0:13:100:13:12

It was called...

0:13:120:13:13

It's a weird country, isn't it?

0:13:190:13:21

Very little escapes you, does it?

0:13:240:13:26

Yeah, this is the latest escalation in tension between North Korea

0:13:290:13:33

and a barber's shop in Ealing.

0:13:330:13:35

The North Korean embassy is actually a semi-detached house.

0:13:350:13:39

May not look much, but with off-street parking,

0:13:390:13:42

it's actually worth more than the North Korean economy.

0:13:420:13:45

APPLAUSE

0:13:470:13:49

And so, to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.

0:13:490:13:52

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:13:520:13:54

BUZZER

0:13:590:14:00

This is a story about a commuter,

0:14:000:14:02

on a rail line actually very near me,

0:14:020:14:04

who comes up from Stonegate

0:14:040:14:05

and, uh...he came up with the wheeze of avoiding paying his ticket

0:14:050:14:10

and when he got to London,

0:14:100:14:11

he just put his Oyster card and tapped it and then left -

0:14:110:14:15

so instead of paying...

0:14:150:14:16

It was £45,000 over five years,

0:14:160:14:19

he paid, sort of, four.

0:14:190:14:21

And he was caught and there's been a big scandal, locally,

0:14:210:14:26

with everyone trying to work out who it is.

0:14:260:14:30

Cos he's got... He paid the money back so he could become anonymous,

0:14:300:14:33

despite breaking the law.

0:14:330:14:35

And it's in Stonegate, so it's known as Stonegate-gate.

0:14:350:14:38

By being allowed to settle out of court,

0:14:390:14:41

he did buy a level of anonymity

0:14:410:14:43

normally reserved for winners of The Voice.

0:14:430:14:46

Are there no ticket inspectors on this line?

0:14:490:14:51

You can...it's a very, very remote station,

0:14:510:14:53

so you can slip in under the barrier -

0:14:530:14:56

I understand.

0:14:560:14:57

Particularly high barrier, I mean,

0:15:010:15:03

are there ticket inspectors on the train?

0:15:030:15:04

-Are they on the train, that's what I'm saying, on the train?

-Yeah.

0:15:040:15:08

-Um...

-But they're not on the train? Clearly.

0:15:080:15:11

-No, I...

-Have you seen a ticket inspector on the train?

-No.

0:15:110:15:13

Are you this man?

0:15:130:15:14

Look, it's not this bloke in the picture.

0:15:160:15:18

That bloke in the picture's James Joyce!

0:15:180:15:20

-You're absolutely right.

-He's absolutely right.

-Of course.

0:15:220:15:25

Britain's biggest fare-dodger had to repay £43,000 for fares he's dodged.

0:15:250:15:29

What is an Oyster card?

0:15:290:15:31

LAUGHTER

0:15:310:15:33

You use them to get onto the chauffeur-driven vehicles,

0:15:330:15:35

the big red chauffeur-driven vehicles...

0:15:350:15:38

that you see going through London,

0:15:380:15:40

you show the man your Oyster card and he salutes you, and...

0:15:400:15:43

APPLAUSE

0:15:430:15:44

This is Britain's biggest fare dodger.

0:15:440:15:47

To be fair to the hedge fund manager,

0:15:470:15:49

he did use his Oyster card every day, but only to top up

0:15:490:15:52

lines of cocaine before blowing them up a prostitute's bottom.

0:15:520:15:55

Sorry, mate, you want to stay anonymous,

0:15:560:15:58

we can libel you all we like.

0:15:580:16:00

Some angry passengers thought the fare dodger

0:16:020:16:04

deserved a greater punishment,

0:16:040:16:06

presumably by being forced to take a replacement bus service.

0:16:060:16:10

Others were more lenient, and thought he should be killed.

0:16:100:16:13

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:16:150:16:17

BUZZER

0:16:210:16:22

They've found the fare dodger.

0:16:220:16:24

LAUGHTER

0:16:240:16:27

I only pressed to say that, I've got no idea what the story is,

0:16:270:16:30

it's an ostrich or an emu.

0:16:300:16:31

-BUZZER

-It isn't.

0:16:310:16:32

-It isn't?

-No.

-It's a rhea.

-It is.

0:16:320:16:35

It's an escaped rhea.

0:16:350:16:36

They haven't found it because it's very, very quick.

0:16:360:16:39

But is it in this country?

0:16:390:16:41

-In this country, where is it, Oxfordshire?

-Hertfordshire.

0:16:410:16:43

Hertfordshire, someone keeps rheas, one of them escaped...

0:16:430:16:49

There is a six-foot rhea

0:16:490:16:50

on the loose in the Home Counties,

0:16:500:16:51

and it can kill a man.

0:16:510:16:52

-Have you any ideas how a rhea can kill a man?

-Yeah, sarcasm.

0:16:550:16:59

-Possibly.

-"Call that a suit?

0:17:030:17:05

"Who cuts your hair? Get it cut in Ealing, do you?

0:17:090:17:12

What's that, a number four, number four, number four?"

0:17:120:17:14

According to the Telegraph it has...

0:17:160:17:18

Yes.

0:17:230:17:24

The owner in question, Jo Clarke of Brent Pelham, Hertfordshire,

0:17:240:17:27

she said...

0:17:270:17:28

Now, now, I'm going to show you a picture, OK?

0:17:310:17:34

And let's see if we can spot it.

0:17:340:17:36

LAUGHTER

0:17:370:17:40

It really is a master of disguise, isn't it?

0:17:400:17:43

-Look at it.

-There, it's disguised itself as a umbrella handle.

0:17:430:17:46

I'll give a point to anyone who can accurately impersonate a rhea.

0:17:480:17:53

Now you've got to imagine that you've committed a crime

0:17:550:17:57

and you're rather pleased with it.

0:17:570:17:59

Ian, you go first, what do you think, noise it makes?

0:17:590:18:01

"Just saved myself 43 grand."

0:18:010:18:03

No.

0:18:040:18:06

Paul.

0:18:060:18:08

HE CACKLES EVILLY

0:18:080:18:10

-Henning.

-HE MUMBLES CONTENTEDLY

0:18:100:18:12

LAUGHTER

0:18:120:18:14

-Camilla.

-SHE SQUAWKS

0:18:150:18:17

What's this bit, he's got arthritis? What's going on?

0:18:190:18:21

Six-inch claws!

0:18:210:18:23

"Where's the olive oil?"

0:18:230:18:24

-Let us listen to see who is the closest.

-Yeah.

0:18:260:18:28

RHEA SQUAWKS

0:18:280:18:31

-No, sorry...

-It's not you, it's Paul, by a mile!

0:18:310:18:34

-There's nothing, let's listen to it again.

-OK.

0:18:360:18:40

RHEA SQUAWKS

0:18:400:18:42

I suppose the girl ones might sound like that,

0:18:420:18:44

but I think Paul was pretty accurate.

0:18:440:18:46

Do you want to see footage of a rhea attacking a man?

0:18:460:18:49

Yes, please, let's have a go. To the death!

0:18:490:18:52

You want to see how dangerous they are, with their claws

0:18:520:18:55

-and their spiky teeth. Here we go.

-Go on, kill! Blood!

0:18:550:18:58

HENNING LAUGHS

0:18:590:19:01

It's easy to confuse - and it's got lost.

0:19:040:19:07

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:070:19:09

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:19:090:19:13

Paul and Camilla, your four are...

0:19:130:19:15

the fifth Olympic ring, Keith Moon,

0:19:150:19:18

BBC Two and the Red Road flats.

0:19:180:19:21

That Keith Moon picture on the tower block was originally

0:19:210:19:23

what Angel of the North was going to look like.

0:19:230:19:27

The fifth Olympic ring, it was part of a display

0:19:270:19:29

and didn't light up, the tower blocks in Glasgow were going to

0:19:290:19:33

blown up for the Commonwealth Games,

0:19:330:19:35

but are now not going to be blown up.

0:19:350:19:36

The opening night of BBC Two was cancelled,

0:19:360:19:38

because it didn't work, transmitter broke down somewhere,

0:19:380:19:42

so BBC Two night had to be the next night.

0:19:420:19:44

So it's about things going wrong on the opening night, the ceremony.

0:19:440:19:48

So the Russian thing went wrong, the BBC Two thing went wrong,

0:19:480:19:51

the Tower Block thing didn't because that's not going to happen,

0:19:510:19:53

don't know what the Keith Moon thing is,

0:19:530:19:55

but I say the tower block thing is the odd one out.

0:19:550:19:57

No. You were so right all the way through...

0:19:570:20:00

I should have picked Keith Moon.

0:20:000:20:01

-No, it's not Keith Moon either.

-Is it the tower blocks?

0:20:010:20:03

-No.

-Oh, it's BBC Two!

-We've finally got there, absolutely right...

0:20:030:20:07

What do you mean, he's absolutely right, he said the last one!

0:20:070:20:10

LAUGHTER

0:20:100:20:12

It's a process of deduction, Holmes.

0:20:120:20:15

They've all failed to appear as part of an opening ceremony apart from

0:20:150:20:19

BBC Two, which failed to appear at its own launch due to a power cut.

0:20:190:20:24

The fifth Olympic ring,

0:20:240:20:25

five snowflakes were supposed to turn into rings,

0:20:250:20:27

but due to a technical hitch, it ended up looking like this.

0:20:270:20:31

And how did the organisers

0:20:310:20:33

poke fun at themselves in the closing ceremony?

0:20:330:20:35

They did something with the fifth ring as well, didn't they?

0:20:350:20:38

No, they annexed Crimea.

0:20:380:20:40

Keith Moon's management was contacted by the organisers

0:20:460:20:49

of the London Olympics to see if he was available

0:20:490:20:51

to perform at the opening ceremony, despite the drummer being dead.

0:20:510:20:55

Does anyone know how The Who's manager responded?

0:20:550:20:59

Well, if he's any clever, he took the booking,

0:20:590:21:01

had 50% of the money paid up front...

0:21:010:21:04

He's going to be furious, according to Roger Daltrey,

0:21:050:21:07

the manager sent London 2012 an e-mail saying...

0:21:070:21:10

APPLAUSE

0:21:220:21:24

Ian and Henning, here are yours.

0:21:250:21:27

A motorist on the Autobahn travelling between Hamburg

0:21:270:21:30

and the Danish border, a Ryanair pilot,

0:21:300:21:32

tomato ketchup and traffic on the Isles of Scilly.

0:21:320:21:36

They're all pointing in the same direction, that's what it is.

0:21:360:21:39

Three of them... HENNING: Oh, yeah.

0:21:390:21:41

-So the truck is the odd one out.

-You know your OCD...

0:21:410:21:44

-Yes.

-..has got nothing to do with the answer of this question.

0:21:440:21:48

What do the Germans have no limit on?

0:21:490:21:52

Fun.

0:21:520:21:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:540:21:57

Is it motorway speed limit?

0:21:570:21:59

-Woo, he's starting to edge now towards it.

-Right, OK, so...

0:21:590:22:03

-Come on.

-Could the Ryanair planes go even slower?

0:22:030:22:05

-Ketchup moves slower out of a bottle.

-It just...

-No?

0:22:050:22:08

HENNING: The emptier the bottle is.

0:22:080:22:11

-Not if she's shaking it.

-Yeah.

0:22:110:22:13

The motorway is the odd one out because it has no speed restriction,

0:22:130:22:16

-all the others do.

-There you go.

0:22:160:22:17

I just sit back and listen to what everybody else says

0:22:170:22:20

and say the answer.

0:22:200:22:21

-I've worked out how to get points in this programme.

-Exactly!

0:22:210:22:25

-What's the speed restriction on tomato ketchup?

-Taken 25 years!

0:22:250:22:28

-At last!

-Yes...

-APPLAUSE

0:22:280:22:30

They've all had their speed restricted,

0:22:300:22:32

apart from a motorist on the Autobahn

0:22:320:22:34

travelling between Hamburg and the Danish border, who doesn't.

0:22:340:22:37

What speed restriction does apply to a bottle of tomato ketchup?

0:22:370:22:41

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:42

This is from Heinz.

0:22:420:22:44

"If Heinz tomato ketchup moves too fast,

0:22:440:22:46

"it is not allowed to leave the factory."

0:22:460:22:49

"It cannot travel at more than..."

0:22:500:22:52

That's obviously an average speed, though - as we all know,

0:22:550:22:57

it travels at 0.000mph on the first ten shakes

0:22:570:23:02

and then 1,000 billion mph into your crotch.

0:23:020:23:05

What does ketchup taste like in Germany?

0:23:050:23:07

I...guess quite similar to how it tastes in the UK.

0:23:080:23:12

Apparently, no. Curry ketchup's more popular in Germany.

0:23:120:23:15

Oh, but that's a different ketchup, isn't it?

0:23:150:23:17

It's amazing, I mean, that is...

0:23:170:23:19

Small wonder you all have such wonderful physiques.

0:23:190:23:21

LAUGHTER

0:23:210:23:23

Well, I can't take...or Germany can't take any credit for my physique.

0:23:230:23:26

I've been here now for 12 years and

0:23:260:23:29

you do have to assimilate, don't ya?

0:23:290:23:30

LAUGHTER

0:23:300:23:32

APPLAUSE

0:23:320:23:34

The Isles of Scilly are set to get their first set of traffic lights,

0:23:360:23:39

150 years after they were introduced in England to reduce traffic speed

0:23:390:23:42

near the airport, where they're presumably building

0:23:420:23:45

that controversial first runway.

0:23:450:23:46

Yeah, they've all had their speed restricted,

0:23:480:23:50

apart from a motorist driving down the Autobahn between Hamburg

0:23:500:23:54

and the Danish border.

0:23:540:23:55

The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.

0:23:550:24:00

It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,

0:24:000:24:02

although the Guinness Book of Records attributes it

0:24:020:24:05

to his...ugh...

0:24:050:24:07

-"AtTRIbutes"...it's not that, is it? AttriBUTEs.

-AttriBUTEs.

-I know.

0:24:070:24:10

-SAYS it was his ex-wife.

-Yeah.

-Just says "says."

-Yeah.

0:24:100:24:13

-I have to say Jeremy's English is very good.

-Yeah!

0:24:130:24:17

The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.

0:24:190:24:22

It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,

0:24:220:24:25

although the Guinness Book of Records says it was his ex-wife.

0:24:250:24:28

Heinz ketchup has a speed limit of 0.028mph.

0:24:300:24:35

This speed is considerably slower than a Tesco lasagne,

0:24:350:24:38

parts of which are quick enough to win the Grand National.

0:24:380:24:41

APPLAUSE

0:24:430:24:44

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:24:440:24:47

which, this week, features as its guest publication

0:24:470:24:50

Leather International.

0:24:500:24:52

We start with...

0:24:520:24:53

"What falls..." No, fails!

0:24:530:24:56

LAUGHTER

0:24:560:24:58

Is it "Host of Have I Got News For You?"

0:24:580:25:00

APPLAUSE

0:25:020:25:03

It's crucifixion.

0:25:080:25:09

It is indeed crucifixion.

0:25:090:25:12

I saw this story.

0:25:120:25:13

They were going to re-enact the crucifixion for Easter,

0:25:130:25:16

which is coming up, but the Health and Safety said,

0:25:160:25:18

"I'm terribly sorry, you can't do this.

0:25:180:25:20

"Christ's got to wear a high-vis jacket."

0:25:200:25:22

How realistic did they want to make it?

0:25:220:25:24

Did they want to use nails?

0:25:240:25:25

Next...

0:25:270:25:28

HENNING: DFS leather sofas are never full price?

0:25:310:25:36

Scientists discover why, but can't find how, when or who.

0:25:380:25:43

It is...

0:25:450:25:46

This is an experiment that shows wine tastes different

0:25:500:25:53

depending on the ambiance.

0:25:530:25:55

It's exactly the same reason why sex with a Greek waiter

0:25:550:25:58

isn't quite as exciting after he's turned up

0:25:580:26:00

on your doorstep in Wolverhampton.

0:26:000:26:03

You said that with real feeling, Jeremy!

0:26:040:26:06

Next...

0:26:100:26:11

CAMILLA: Russia.

0:26:140:26:16

It's always flying insects, isn't it? Insects, moths, seals,

0:26:160:26:20

Methodists. It sort of...

0:26:200:26:21

-ALL: Onions?!

-Onions!

0:26:240:26:26

Next...

0:26:300:26:31

Face of Adolf Hitler.

0:26:340:26:36

I saw this. They come from China or something -

0:26:370:26:39

there's a black and white photograph,

0:26:390:26:41

you've probably got a picture of it.

0:26:410:26:42

ALL: It's a stamp.

0:26:420:26:44

HENNING: I've got loads of them at home.

0:26:440:26:46

5,000 mugs with Hitler's face on them were made by a firm in China.

0:26:490:26:53

This featured in the Daily Mail, although I wasn't sure

0:26:530:26:56

if it was a news story or a promotional offer.

0:26:560:26:59

And finally...

0:27:020:27:03

It's got to rhyme, "Chicken-feather leather."

0:27:060:27:08

"Richard Wool. Hi, I'm Richard Wool,

0:27:080:27:10

"I make chicken-feather leather."

0:27:100:27:12

-It is actually leather.

-Is it?!

0:27:140:27:16

APPLAUSE

0:27:160:27:18

So, the final scores are...

0:27:200:27:23

Camilla and Paul, you have 10.

0:27:230:27:25

Henning and Ian, you have 8.

0:27:250:27:27

-Sorry.

-APPLAUSE

0:27:270:27:29

And I leave you with the news that,

0:27:320:27:34

in Basingstoke, Maria Miller pops out for a relaxing Sunday walk.

0:27:340:27:38

As Prince Charles opens Highgrove to the public,

0:27:420:27:44

someone draws a penis in the guestbook.

0:27:440:27:47

And, in Dundee, the SNP reassure voters

0:27:520:27:56

that television in an independent Scotland

0:27:560:27:58

will be just as entertaining without the BBC.

0:27:580:28:01

Good night.

0:28:050:28:07

APPLAUSE

0:28:070:28:09

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS