Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

In the news this week, as delegates gather

for the official G8 summit photo, there's speculation about

how the Russians will react to being left out.

News reaches St George's Hospital

that health Minister Jeremy Hunt has got lockjaw.

And as the Conservatives continue to poll badly outside

the south-east, the government prepares to switch off the north.

On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian who once did a show

about the history of German humour.

It was an hour long with a 58-minute interval.

Please welcome Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE

Vielen Dank.

And with Paul tonight is a columnist for the Sunday Times who, like me,

is the rarest of creatures, a Murdoch journalist who isn't in court.

Please welcome Camilla Long.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

-Putin with a black halo.

-A man very angry with a Russian flag.

Oh, look, it's Clarkson!

"The boys go to the Ukraine."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-THE Ukraine is racist.

-Is it?

Which is why in Top Gear when we went to Ukraine,

-all the "the"s were taken out.

-Oh, really?

Yes, so it sounded like we were all from Yorkshire, "We were going t'Ukraine."

This is Putin and by the time this goes out there maybe a world war...

declared, or it may be peace, what you reckon?

Well, it's essentially a civil war, isn't it?

There's one part of the Soviet Union having a bit of an argy-bargy

with another part of the Soviet Union.

It's all even further east than Romania, so who cares?

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I don't think you've been over here long enough.

For a start, it's not the Soviet Union any more.

It's the Russian Federation.

Secondly, Ukraine is a sovereign state, it's not a civil war,

it's a certain amount of agents provocateurs

sent in by the Russians.

-But apart from that, your analysis is terrific.

-Thank you very much.

Yesterday, they had a breakthrough, didn't they, in Geneva?

-What have they agreed?

-I have no idea.

They're going to have tea in the mornings,

followed by biscuits at 11.

There's a diplomatic breakthrough on the news,

-which everybody will be rejoicing and celebrating tomorrow.

-Possibly.

You are right, it is the worsening situation in the Ukraine.

I am a bit of an expert on this because I was there...

-Did I just say THE Ukraine?

-You did.

-You're right, this is the worsening situation in...Ukraine.

-Ukraine.

-I am a bit of an expert.

-Did you drive there in car?

I'm sorry, car means cock in Albanian.

When will you learn to try and hold yourself back?

Car means cock in English as well, to be fair.

LAUGHTER

Some of them are automatic.

According to the Guardian,

the Ukrainian government is very worried about cities like...

Them. So the UN is sending an emergency consignment of vowels.

What have the West done about Russian aggression?

-Nothing at all.

-That's exactly right.

-Threatened some sanctions.

What's William Hague been saying?

-T'Ukraine is what he's been saying.

-He says...

I wonder if he's talking about the European Rapid Reaction Force.

Which I seem to recall he mentioned when I was on this show in 2003.

Have we got a clip of that?

At a European mini-summit,

ministers called for the creation of a European Rapid Reaction Force.

So the next time there's a war to be fought,

they can decide to do nothing even faster.

The Rapid Reaction Force will consist of soldiers from Belgium, France

and Luxembourg. Ooh, scary!

See, that's the danger of doing this show, it comes back to bite you.

When you're Foreign Secretary, we'll play it in.

-Would you like to see what Prince William has been doing?

-Yes.

William went to an aircraft factory where he revealed

his passion for flying despite having left the IRA.

Er, the RAF.

He's the best sleeper they've ever had.

This is the growing crisis in eastern Ukraine,

or if you're watching the repeat, western Russia.

According to the Daily Mail...

Four? The entire air force? Are we mad?

Paul and Camilla, take a look at this.

Right, yes, the Houses of Parliament obviously.

-Beer being served very quickly.

-CAMILLA: Phwoar!

It's the Palace of Sexminster, isn't it? It's the survey that said that

a third of people get groped when they go into Westminster.

A third of their person gets groped.

-A minimum.

-The head and the knees are left alone.

But the odd thing about that footage was the fact that there was

a woman in the car, when I think it's mostly men who are being targeted.

Yes, 40% of all the men said

they'd received unwanted sexual advances.

-Yes.

-And 60% were quite pleased.

33% said they had personally experience...

What's the difference between sexual harassment and unwanted sexual advances?

Why am I looking at you, Camilla? Why am I not looking at the men?

I don't know why you're looking at any of us really.

I think that probably counts as sexual harassment from you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How did one Conservative MP react to the findings?

"Would the Prime Minister please take his hand off my knee?"

Did he say, "It never happened to me"?

With bitterness and regret.

He expressed the view that those who believe themselves to be

victims of unwanted sexual advances should toughen up and grow a pair.

And then presumably keep them well away from MPs.

Who definitely ISN'T guilty of rape and sexual assault?

It's comedy gold, this first round.

Nigel Evans.

Yes! There you go, I knew you'd know it.

It is the Deputy Speaker, Nigel Evans -

cleared of all charges at Preston Crown Court.

His defence to one of the charges

was that his conduct had simply been...

It's quite surprising

that that endears him back to the party, isn't it?

Course, now everyone goes -

"Oh, yeah, he was unfairly shafted", and...

I think your English idiom needs a little...

..brushing up.

HENNING LAUGHS

In alcohol and rudeness-related news - there we are -

which pub caused a stir when it announced it was reopening

after building work?

Is there a clue in "stir"?

No - it was the Wig and Pen pub in Truro, Cornwall.

Let's have a look.

HENNING: That was a scandal, that was.

Mostly lawyers going there.

Yes, this is the sex-and-booze culture in Westminster.

Much of the inappropriate behaviour takes place in the...

Though, as the old saying goes,

"There's no such thing as a stranger,

"just a researcher you haven't groped yet."

Ian and Henning, here's another for you.

Ah, it's Nigel Farage.

There he is - shaking hands with grannies.

"Hello!" he says.

And there's his headquarters.

That's a barn in East Sussex.

That's the Farage Mobile.

And that's the expenses claims.

Expenses being chopped up - there he is, he's being arrested.

"Will you come quietly?" "What do you think?"

The entire British establishment, all the newspapers,

is terrified at the thought of Farage winning.

So they've conducted a story about £60,000 of expenses

going into his own bank account which are unaccounted for.

Isn't that awful?

If that actually is the worst they can come up with,

that isn't much, really, is it?

It would be more damage with his voters

if they had a picture of him eating linguine.

No?

"What's he eating that foreign muck for?"

CAMILLA: Didn't he argue

that it wasn't actually expenses?

It was a kind of pre-ordained allowance.

What he says is that you get an allowance from Europe

and you can do with it whatever you like.

They say the one thing you can't do with it

is fund yourself to go around the country

saying, "Isn't Brussels rubbish?"

Uh...they think that's taking the piss.

You see the latest allegation concerning UKIP's finances?

-Yeah - it was a much bigger amount, though, wasn't it?

-Much bigger.

£267,000 has gone missing from the party's coffers.

A spokesman for UKIP's new Costa del Sol office

said they had absolutely no idea where it had gone.

That is funny that you mention it,

because that was, again, published by the Times.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Nigel Farage or UKIP,

even though they are, at least,

implementing Otto von Bismarck's policy of isolating Britain, but...

APPLAUSE

Really, it all seems to be a campaign.

So, any idea where this money might be?

I haven't got it.

Truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows.

Yes, this is Nigel Farage's latest attempt

to convince us that he's a proper politician -

suit, neat hair, questionable expenses claims.

That should do it.

Meanwhile, a new survey found that...

That's an astonishing statistic,

cos it means that 7% of people DO know who their MEP is.

Who are these weirdos?

Paul and Camilla, here's another for you.

Ah, yes, this is the hairdressing salon in Ealing

which put up a picture of Kim Jong-un

with his haircut, saying, "This is a bad hair day"

and that's North Korea, seeing how close they are to Ealing.

The North Korean embassy is only ten minutes away.

And they noticed men in dark suits were taking notes outside.

They went in and said, "Can you remove the image because it is disrespectful?"

And the salon owner said, "No way! Get out!"

And called the police.

When a reporter from the Times rang the embassy to ask

if it had actually made a criminal complaint about the poster,

what answer did it get?

They said no? Did they deny it?

It's interesting - the man who answered it replied...

We've got photos of embassies for you to get an idea

of what embassies look like.

This is the Mauritian embassy.

-Very grand.

-Lovely.

-Lithuanian embassy.

-Yeah.

And here is the North Korean embassy.

-HENNING: Good German car, though.

-That semi-detached

is the South Korean embassy next door, by any chance?

They don't talk to each other, across a high fence?

North Korean state television ran a five-part series recently

to promote neat haircuts.

It was called...

It's a weird country, isn't it?

Very little escapes you, does it?

Yeah, this is the latest escalation in tension between North Korea

and a barber's shop in Ealing.

The North Korean embassy is actually a semi-detached house.

May not look much, but with off-street parking,

it's actually worth more than the North Korean economy.

APPLAUSE

And so, to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is a story about a commuter,

on a rail line actually very near me,

who comes up from Stonegate

and, uh...he came up with the wheeze of avoiding paying his ticket

and when he got to London,

he just put his Oyster card and tapped it and then left -

so instead of paying...

It was £45,000 over five years,

he paid, sort of, four.

And he was caught and there's been a big scandal, locally,

with everyone trying to work out who it is.

Cos he's got... He paid the money back so he could become anonymous,

despite breaking the law.

And it's in Stonegate, so it's known as Stonegate-gate.

By being allowed to settle out of court,

he did buy a level of anonymity

normally reserved for winners of The Voice.

Are there no ticket inspectors on this line?

You can...it's a very, very remote station,

so you can slip in under the barrier -

I understand.

Particularly high barrier, I mean,

are there ticket inspectors on the train?

-Are they on the train, that's what I'm saying, on the train?

-Yeah.

-Um...

-But they're not on the train? Clearly.

-No, I...

-Have you seen a ticket inspector on the train?

-No.

Are you this man?

Look, it's not this bloke in the picture.

That bloke in the picture's James Joyce!

-You're absolutely right.

-He's absolutely right.

-Of course.

Britain's biggest fare-dodger had to repay £43,000 for fares he's dodged.

What is an Oyster card?

LAUGHTER

You use them to get onto the chauffeur-driven vehicles,

the big red chauffeur-driven vehicles...

that you see going through London,

you show the man your Oyster card and he salutes you, and...

APPLAUSE

This is Britain's biggest fare dodger.

To be fair to the hedge fund manager,

he did use his Oyster card every day, but only to top up

lines of cocaine before blowing them up a prostitute's bottom.

Sorry, mate, you want to stay anonymous,

we can libel you all we like.

Some angry passengers thought the fare dodger

deserved a greater punishment,

presumably by being forced to take a replacement bus service.

Others were more lenient, and thought he should be killed.

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

They've found the fare dodger.

LAUGHTER

I only pressed to say that, I've got no idea what the story is,

it's an ostrich or an emu.

-BUZZER

-It isn't.

-It isn't?

-No.

-It's a rhea.

-It is.

It's an escaped rhea.

They haven't found it because it's very, very quick.

But is it in this country?

-In this country, where is it, Oxfordshire?

-Hertfordshire.

Hertfordshire, someone keeps rheas, one of them escaped...

There is a six-foot rhea

on the loose in the Home Counties,

and it can kill a man.

-Have you any ideas how a rhea can kill a man?

-Yeah, sarcasm.

-Possibly.

-"Call that a suit?

"Who cuts your hair? Get it cut in Ealing, do you?

What's that, a number four, number four, number four?"

According to the Telegraph it has...

Yes.

The owner in question, Jo Clarke of Brent Pelham, Hertfordshire,

she said...

Now, now, I'm going to show you a picture, OK?

And let's see if we can spot it.

LAUGHTER

It really is a master of disguise, isn't it?

-Look at it.

-There, it's disguised itself as a umbrella handle.

I'll give a point to anyone who can accurately impersonate a rhea.

Now you've got to imagine that you've committed a crime

and you're rather pleased with it.

Ian, you go first, what do you think, noise it makes?

"Just saved myself 43 grand."

No.

Paul.

HE CACKLES EVILLY

-Henning.

-HE MUMBLES CONTENTEDLY

LAUGHTER

-Camilla.

-SHE SQUAWKS

What's this bit, he's got arthritis? What's going on?

Six-inch claws!

"Where's the olive oil?"

-Let us listen to see who is the closest.

-Yeah.

RHEA SQUAWKS

-No, sorry...

-It's not you, it's Paul, by a mile!

-There's nothing, let's listen to it again.

-OK.

RHEA SQUAWKS

I suppose the girl ones might sound like that,

but I think Paul was pretty accurate.

Do you want to see footage of a rhea attacking a man?

Yes, please, let's have a go. To the death!

You want to see how dangerous they are, with their claws

-and their spiky teeth. Here we go.

-Go on, kill! Blood!

HENNING LAUGHS

It's easy to confuse - and it's got lost.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Paul and Camilla, your four are...

the fifth Olympic ring, Keith Moon,

BBC Two and the Red Road flats.

That Keith Moon picture on the tower block was originally

what Angel of the North was going to look like.

The fifth Olympic ring, it was part of a display

and didn't light up, the tower blocks in Glasgow were going to

blown up for the Commonwealth Games,

but are now not going to be blown up.

The opening night of BBC Two was cancelled,

because it didn't work, transmitter broke down somewhere,

so BBC Two night had to be the next night.

So it's about things going wrong on the opening night, the ceremony.

So the Russian thing went wrong, the BBC Two thing went wrong,

the Tower Block thing didn't because that's not going to happen,

don't know what the Keith Moon thing is,

but I say the tower block thing is the odd one out.

No. You were so right all the way through...

I should have picked Keith Moon.

-No, it's not Keith Moon either.

-Is it the tower blocks?

-No.

-Oh, it's BBC Two!

-We've finally got there, absolutely right...

What do you mean, he's absolutely right, he said the last one!

LAUGHTER

It's a process of deduction, Holmes.

They've all failed to appear as part of an opening ceremony apart from

BBC Two, which failed to appear at its own launch due to a power cut.

The fifth Olympic ring,

five snowflakes were supposed to turn into rings,

but due to a technical hitch, it ended up looking like this.

And how did the organisers

poke fun at themselves in the closing ceremony?

They did something with the fifth ring as well, didn't they?

No, they annexed Crimea.

Keith Moon's management was contacted by the organisers

of the London Olympics to see if he was available

to perform at the opening ceremony, despite the drummer being dead.

Does anyone know how The Who's manager responded?

Well, if he's any clever, he took the booking,

had 50% of the money paid up front...

He's going to be furious, according to Roger Daltrey,

the manager sent London 2012 an e-mail saying...

APPLAUSE

Ian and Henning, here are yours.

A motorist on the Autobahn travelling between Hamburg

and the Danish border, a Ryanair pilot,

tomato ketchup and traffic on the Isles of Scilly.

They're all pointing in the same direction, that's what it is.

Three of them... HENNING: Oh, yeah.

-So the truck is the odd one out.

-You know your OCD...

-Yes.

-..has got nothing to do with the answer of this question.

What do the Germans have no limit on?

Fun.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it motorway speed limit?

-Woo, he's starting to edge now towards it.

-Right, OK, so...

-Come on.

-Could the Ryanair planes go even slower?

-Ketchup moves slower out of a bottle.

-It just...

-No?

HENNING: The emptier the bottle is.

-Not if she's shaking it.

-Yeah.

The motorway is the odd one out because it has no speed restriction,

-all the others do.

-There you go.

I just sit back and listen to what everybody else says

and say the answer.

-I've worked out how to get points in this programme.

-Exactly!

-What's the speed restriction on tomato ketchup?

-Taken 25 years!

-At last!

-Yes...

-APPLAUSE

They've all had their speed restricted,

apart from a motorist on the Autobahn

travelling between Hamburg and the Danish border, who doesn't.

What speed restriction does apply to a bottle of tomato ketchup?

LAUGHTER

This is from Heinz.

"If Heinz tomato ketchup moves too fast,

"it is not allowed to leave the factory."

"It cannot travel at more than..."

That's obviously an average speed, though - as we all know,

it travels at 0.000mph on the first ten shakes

and then 1,000 billion mph into your crotch.

What does ketchup taste like in Germany?

I...guess quite similar to how it tastes in the UK.

Apparently, no. Curry ketchup's more popular in Germany.

Oh, but that's a different ketchup, isn't it?

It's amazing, I mean, that is...

Small wonder you all have such wonderful physiques.

LAUGHTER

Well, I can't take...or Germany can't take any credit for my physique.

I've been here now for 12 years and

you do have to assimilate, don't ya?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Isles of Scilly are set to get their first set of traffic lights,

150 years after they were introduced in England to reduce traffic speed

near the airport, where they're presumably building

that controversial first runway.

Yeah, they've all had their speed restricted,

apart from a motorist driving down the Autobahn between Hamburg

and the Danish border.

The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.

It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,

although the Guinness Book of Records attributes it

to his...ugh...

-"AtTRIbutes"...it's not that, is it? AttriBUTEs.

-AttriBUTEs.

-I know.

-SAYS it was his ex-wife.

-Yeah.

-Just says "says."

-Yeah.

-I have to say Jeremy's English is very good.

-Yeah!

The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.

It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,

although the Guinness Book of Records says it was his ex-wife.

Heinz ketchup has a speed limit of 0.028mph.

This speed is considerably slower than a Tesco lasagne,

parts of which are quick enough to win the Grand National.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which, this week, features as its guest publication

Leather International.

We start with...

"What falls..." No, fails!

LAUGHTER

Is it "Host of Have I Got News For You?"

APPLAUSE

It's crucifixion.

It is indeed crucifixion.

I saw this story.

They were going to re-enact the crucifixion for Easter,

which is coming up, but the Health and Safety said,

"I'm terribly sorry, you can't do this.

"Christ's got to wear a high-vis jacket."

How realistic did they want to make it?

Did they want to use nails?

Next...

HENNING: DFS leather sofas are never full price?

Scientists discover why, but can't find how, when or who.

It is...

This is an experiment that shows wine tastes different

depending on the ambiance.

It's exactly the same reason why sex with a Greek waiter

isn't quite as exciting after he's turned up

on your doorstep in Wolverhampton.

You said that with real feeling, Jeremy!

Next...

CAMILLA: Russia.

It's always flying insects, isn't it? Insects, moths, seals,

Methodists. It sort of...

-ALL: Onions?!

-Onions!

Next...

Face of Adolf Hitler.

I saw this. They come from China or something -

there's a black and white photograph,

you've probably got a picture of it.

ALL: It's a stamp.

HENNING: I've got loads of them at home.

5,000 mugs with Hitler's face on them were made by a firm in China.

This featured in the Daily Mail, although I wasn't sure

if it was a news story or a promotional offer.

And finally...

It's got to rhyme, "Chicken-feather leather."

"Richard Wool. Hi, I'm Richard Wool,

"I make chicken-feather leather."

-It is actually leather.

-Is it?!

APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are...

Camilla and Paul, you have 10.

Henning and Ian, you have 8.

-Sorry.

-APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news that,

in Basingstoke, Maria Miller pops out for a relaxing Sunday walk.

As Prince Charles opens Highgrove to the public,

someone draws a penis in the guestbook.

And, in Dundee, the SNP reassure voters

that television in an independent Scotland

will be just as entertaining without the BBC.

Good night.

APPLAUSE