Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


Episode 4

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 4. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:240:00:28

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

0:00:370:00:40

I'm Martin Clunes.

0:00:400:00:42

In the news this week,

0:00:420:00:43

as the BBC introduces a "bring your pet to work" day,

0:00:430:00:46

one employee makes regular checks on Sammy the hamster.

0:00:460:00:49

The head of BBC Drama brings in a new voice coach

0:01:020:01:05

for the cast of Jamaica Inn.

0:01:050:01:06

WAILING

0:01:060:01:10

HOWLING

0:01:120:01:14

HOWLING

0:01:160:01:19

And as Richard Branson prepares to start his Virgin Galactic service,

0:01:190:01:22

rival engineers at Ryanair

0:01:220:01:24

attempt to launch their first customer into space.

0:01:240:01:26

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's was always got

0:01:320:01:35

a pint in his hand and is known for his unhinged angry rants.

0:01:350:01:38

In fact, if he didn't love Benidorm so much, he could be Nigel Farage.

0:01:380:01:43

Please welcome Johnny Vegas.

0:01:430:01:45

APPLAUSE

0:01:450:01:47

And with Paul tonight is a political correspondent who started out at the BBC

0:01:510:01:55

with special responsibility for breakfast.

0:01:550:01:57

She was the one who had to put the shredded wheat on Andrew Neil's head.

0:01:570:02:01

Please welcome Jo Coburn.

0:02:010:02:04

APPLAUSE

0:02:040:02:06

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

0:02:090:02:12

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

0:02:120:02:14

-Blimey.

-Speak up!

0:02:140:02:15

Yes, your ear trumpet, man.

0:02:150:02:18

Oh, yes, this is probably Cornwall.

0:02:180:02:19

This is the BBC show, Jamaica Inn, which I didn't see,

0:02:190:02:22

but a lot of people didn't hear apparently.

0:02:220:02:25

They had more complaints about this, the BBC,

0:02:250:02:28

-than they've had about anything else for a very long time.

-Yes.

0:02:280:02:32

So whether it was 1,500 people's TV sets that weren't working

0:02:320:02:36

-or it was technical problems.

-Shall we have a little look?

0:02:360:02:39

There's a bunch of petticoats here to see you.

0:02:400:02:44

Joss, we've gone to hell.

0:02:440:02:47

Salt and the twins have been busted. Legassik caught them.

0:02:470:02:50

MUMBLING

0:02:520:02:54

An ordinary man.

0:02:540:02:56

INDISTINCT SINGING

0:02:580:03:01

-Johnny.

-There you go.

0:03:040:03:06

APPLAUSE

0:03:060:03:08

That's the only job I got via a casting.

0:03:100:03:13

MUMBLES

0:03:130:03:15

Do you mind working topless?

0:03:170:03:19

MUMBLES

0:03:190:03:21

To be fair, this was set in an era before sound recording was available.

0:03:210:03:25

But they did mumble all the way through it.

0:03:250:03:30

And the Beeb said at first it was a technical problem,

0:03:300:03:32

then number two went out and I watched it

0:03:320:03:34

and I couldn't hear any of it.

0:03:340:03:36

They said they turned it up for the second episode.

0:03:360:03:38

There's been some great letters in the paper.

0:03:380:03:40

Adrian Whitely had a pithy comment on the Jamaica Inn drama.

0:03:400:03:42

And Martin Davies, who is actually from Cornwall,

0:03:490:03:51

had a completely different gripe altogether.

0:03:510:03:53

-Surely it's Dominus Regit Me?

-Whatever.

0:04:100:04:14

What else has Cornwall been in the news for lately?

0:04:140:04:19

It's gone independent.

0:04:190:04:21

Yes, a spokesman for the Cornish National Liberation Army said...

0:04:210:04:24

MUMBLES

0:04:240:04:26

Let's not forget how the Sun referred to CNLA as the...

0:04:260:04:31

People of Cornwall have been officially recognised as a UK minority.

0:04:400:04:43

According to the Telegraph, the decision means...

0:04:430:04:46

Which means they can now be shot with impunity by the Metropolitan police.

0:04:500:04:54

Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.

0:04:540:04:58

Oh, this is Farage, unveiling his new poster campaign.

0:04:580:05:02

It's going to be gloomy. Floods.

0:05:020:05:05

And there's the average UKIP voter.

0:05:050:05:09

And news has arrived. The Second World War has broken out.

0:05:100:05:14

There's some posters and they caused a lot of trouble.

0:05:140:05:18

One of the election leaflets had a girl in it saying,

0:05:180:05:22

"I'm an ordinary voter from Devon and I vote UKIP"

0:05:220:05:24

and it turned out she worked for Farage as his assistant.

0:05:240:05:28

And she was paid.

0:05:280:05:30

-There's one with a pointy finger, isn't there?

-We've got it here.

0:05:300:05:33

JO: Yes, immigrants are taking jobs from British workers.

0:05:330:05:37

Taking bogies from the end of British fingers.

0:05:370:05:41

Is it the lottery?

0:05:410:05:43

There's someone going to vote UKIP, it could be you.

0:05:430:05:47

That did raise the question about Nigel Farage's German wife

0:05:480:05:53

and whether or not a Brit could do her job of being his secretary.

0:05:530:05:57

To be honest, it's not a job a lot of British people would want.

0:05:570:06:01

We've got a clip with Nick Robinson, it's really good.

0:06:010:06:04

You try to turn everything into a joke.

0:06:040:06:06

You have a campaign that says that Europeans are taking British jobs.

0:06:060:06:10

-Yes.

-You employ a German woman to work in your office.

0:06:100:06:14

She happens to be your wife.

0:06:140:06:16

She happens to spend many hundreds of thousands of British taxpayers' money.

0:06:160:06:20

How do you justify that?

0:06:200:06:22

No, she doesn't, she earns a very modest salary,

0:06:220:06:24

for working extremely unsociable hours for me.

0:06:240:06:26

So why isn't she taking a British person's job?

0:06:260:06:29

Because nobody else could do the job.

0:06:290:06:31

No British person could work for you as your secretary?

0:06:310:06:34

Not unless I marry them.

0:06:340:06:35

You don't think anybody is capable of doing that job?

0:06:350:06:38

-What, marrying me?

-No, doing the job as your secretary.

0:06:380:06:41

I don't know anybody who would work those kind of hours.

0:06:410:06:44

So that's it, it's clear, UKIP not believe that any British person

0:06:440:06:47

is capable of being the secretary of their leader.

0:06:470:06:50

That's nonsense, and you know it.

0:06:500:06:52

That sounds like me trying to excuse the use of prostitutes.

0:06:570:07:02

-Enlighten us.

-Or don't.

0:07:040:07:07

The threat to some English people's jobs

0:07:090:07:11

encourage some British people to work even harder

0:07:110:07:14

and get versions like this of the poster up on Twitter.

0:07:140:07:18

JO: Which job would you rather do?

0:07:210:07:24

-Be Nigel Farage's secretary of the new manager of Manchester United?

-Me?

0:07:240:07:28

Yeah.

0:07:280:07:30

LAUGHTER

0:07:300:07:33

No-brainer, as they say.

0:07:370:07:39

"Dear Nigel..."

0:07:390:07:41

How did the founder of the UKIP party, Dr Alan Sked,

0:07:420:07:46

recently describe Nigel Farage?

0:07:460:07:48

A drunken imbecile.

0:07:480:07:50

JOHNNY: A prick.

0:07:500:07:51

They described him as...

0:07:540:07:56

Which is coincidentally the B-side of Young, Gifted And Black.

0:07:580:08:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:08:020:08:06

In other European news what's just been launched in Portugal?

0:08:070:08:10

A new grape!

0:08:100:08:12

The Portuguese Navy unveiled its new state of the art surveillance drone

0:08:130:08:16

at a naval base in Lisbon. Let's see how that went.

0:08:160:08:18

This is UKIP's new poster campaign which is full of outrageous claims.

0:08:250:08:29

It emerged that a woman posing as a voter in UKIP's manifesto

0:08:290:08:33

was a certain Lizzy Vaid, who is, in fact, the...

0:08:330:08:36

Basically, she arranges the lock-ins and books the strippers.

0:08:380:08:41

LAUGHTER

0:08:410:08:42

Neil Hamilton has been demoted as UKIP's campaign director.

0:08:420:08:46

Some UKIP members see him as...

0:08:460:08:48

That's no way to talk about Christine.

0:08:520:08:54

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

0:08:550:08:57

-It's a bar.

-It's a bar, definitely a bar. There's a tough guy.

0:08:570:09:00

Oh, yes. There's less fighting going on in Britain,

0:09:000:09:03

although this clip would say otherwise,

0:09:030:09:04

but of course that's the Wild West in 1943.

0:09:040:09:07

There's a happy doctor. So yes, people are drinking less alcohol

0:09:070:09:10

so there's less violence on a Saturday night is the story, I think.

0:09:100:09:13

It is. People can't afford to get pissed I think, isn't it, these days.

0:09:130:09:17

-Is that the technical term?

-Yes.

0:09:170:09:20

Anybody here drinking less?

0:09:200:09:22

Put that down.

0:09:220:09:23

LAUGHTER

0:09:230:09:25

Someone's put water in it!

0:09:250:09:28

-It could be that alcohol is more expensive.

-Hmm.

0:09:280:09:31

That was one of the reasons.

0:09:310:09:32

They said deliberately making the price of, say,

0:09:320:09:35

a six pack of cider, I gather, erm...

0:09:350:09:38

LAUGHTER

0:09:380:09:40

..more expensive puts people off.

0:09:400:09:43

And so the government was going to make minimum pricing,

0:09:430:09:46

but they've changed their mind.

0:09:460:09:47

A lot of the big drinks companies took them out for a pint

0:09:470:09:53

and they changed their mind completely.

0:09:530:09:55

But that could be it. There are a lot of possibles, aren't there?

0:09:550:09:58

I thought we might have adopted a more European approach to alcohol.

0:09:580:10:02

You know you go out and just savour it and just enjoy it?

0:10:020:10:05

But the other night I genuinely saw a bloke arguing with his wife

0:10:050:10:08

and he said, "That's why you can't keep a budgie in a round cage,

0:10:080:10:12

"you silly bitch.

0:10:120:10:15

"They need corners." And she said, "Well, what's wrong with parrots?"

0:10:160:10:19

This is genuine.

0:10:190:10:20

And he went, "Parrots can talk, budgies need solace."

0:10:200:10:24

And then he punched a wall.

0:10:260:10:27

-There was another theory about lead poisoning.

-Yes.

-I like that one.

0:10:290:10:33

Apparently if you had or when you had lead in petrol it made people

0:10:330:10:37

go in for the fisticuffs, like your example, more often.

0:10:370:10:40

Why are we still using pencils?

0:10:400:10:42

They'd be hard to give up.

0:10:440:10:45

I've got a pen.

0:10:470:10:49

The hard stuff.

0:10:490:10:51

A study at the University of Cardiff found that...

0:10:510:10:54

To two.

0:11:000:11:01

Now, have you heard of this American technological

0:11:030:11:05

breakthrough that might help to bring the price of alcohol down

0:11:050:11:09

and get everyone back punching each other properly?

0:11:090:11:11

Powered alcohol. Or to give it its correct name...

0:11:110:11:14

I shit you not.

0:11:160:11:19

Just mix with beer.

0:11:190:11:20

According to the manufacturer's website...

0:11:210:11:24

And what do you think the people from the Civitas think tank

0:11:430:11:47

think in their think tank?

0:11:470:11:51

We need a bigger tank.

0:11:510:11:53

Why are we working in a tank? We're bright.

0:11:530:11:56

-More booze.

-Yeah.

0:11:560:11:58

Spokesman David Green told the Times...

0:11:580:12:00

Twat.

0:12:130:12:14

And our leader David Cameron, he'd probably agree with that,

0:12:160:12:19

do you think? What do you think? Why? Would he?

0:12:190:12:21

-He says we're a Christian country.

-Yes.

-And that shocked people.

0:12:210:12:25

No, cynics would say there's an election round the corner.

0:12:250:12:28

Let's break the Alastair Campbell diktat and do God.

0:12:280:12:31

Get those churchgoers who might convert to UKIP

0:12:310:12:34

back in the Tory fold.

0:12:340:12:35

It's quite mean to suggest they're going to convert to UKIP.

0:12:350:12:38

I mean, they're not entirely gullible.

0:12:380:12:41

We are a Christian country, aren't we?

0:12:450:12:47

Yeah, more or less, culturally, historically.

0:12:470:12:49

Look at all the people that couldn't give a shit about God

0:12:490:12:52

-sitting their with the kids.

-Yeah.

0:12:520:12:53

Every Sunday trying to get them into a decent school.

0:12:530:12:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:12:560:12:58

Who wrote this about David Cameron's theolog...

0:13:010:13:04

Sod it, I'll start this again.

0:13:040:13:06

Who wrote this about David Cameron's theologism? Theologis...

0:13:060:13:09

Theologis...

0:13:090:13:11

Beliefs.

0:13:110:13:12

Yeah.

0:13:120:13:14

Who wrote this about David Cameron's ideas?

0:13:140:13:17

LAUGHTER

0:13:170:13:20

And I quote...

0:13:200:13:21

And the problem is?

0:13:300:13:32

-That's Alastair Campbell.

-Yeah, it is.

-Is it?

0:13:320:13:36

Don't do God.

0:13:360:13:37

Just giving Satan's view for balance.

0:13:370:13:39

Going back to alcohol-related violence, um...

0:13:420:13:46

More fun.

0:13:460:13:47

Would you like to see a very drunk man behaving quite harmlessly?

0:13:470:13:50

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Here he is.

0:13:500:13:51

He's trying to get to the other side of the fence.

0:13:540:13:57

He can't get through it.

0:13:590:14:00

He can't get over it.

0:14:030:14:05

And a little boy comes back from the shops...

0:14:080:14:10

LAUGHTER

0:14:130:14:16

APPLAUSE

0:14:200:14:24

This is the drop in violent crime which has been attributed to

0:14:250:14:28

a fall in binge drinking.

0:14:280:14:30

Also in the news this week, a new powdered alcohol called Palcohol.

0:14:300:14:33

According to the Times...

0:14:330:14:35

Sadly too late for David Moyes.

0:14:370:14:40

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:14:400:14:41

Also in the news this week,

0:14:450:14:46

David Cameron has declared Britain is a Christian country

0:14:460:14:49

and reasserted his faith at an Easter reception

0:14:490:14:51

for Christian leaders,

0:14:510:14:52

leaving many in the congregation shaking their heads and asking,

0:14:520:14:55

"What's this got to do with bunnies and chocolate?"

0:14:550:14:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:14:570:15:00

Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.

0:15:000:15:03

Ed Miliband.

0:15:050:15:07

Is he looking into a mirror?

0:15:070:15:09

And that's his new spin doctor, David Axelrod.

0:15:090:15:13

He's an American they brought over.

0:15:130:15:15

He's an election guru, and he's being paid, apparently,

0:15:150:15:18

a six-figure sum, because there's no English or British people

0:15:180:15:22

who could get Miliband elected.

0:15:220:15:23

It's a highly specialist skill. Apparently he's brilliant.

0:15:230:15:27

I mean, first black president ever - Obama.

0:15:270:15:31

First...

0:15:310:15:33

Ed Milibandy kind of guy to get in.

0:15:330:15:37

Er...he's going to get elected. So it's very exciting, isn't it?

0:15:370:15:41

Well, they're not alone, though, are they?

0:15:410:15:43

It's the battle of the election gurus.

0:15:430:15:45

The Tories have already got the Australian guy, Lynton Crosby,

0:15:450:15:49

-and the Liberal Democrats have got one as well.

-Have they?

0:15:490:15:52

-Yeah.

-Lord Haw-Haw?

0:15:520:15:54

No!

0:15:540:15:55

Everyone said it's going to be really unpleasant,

0:15:550:15:58

because apparently this man's skill is negative campaigning,

0:15:580:16:01

so instead of saying, "My guy is great," you know, which with Ed...

0:16:010:16:05

you know, might be difficult...

0:16:050:16:08

He's going to say, "Your guys are posh and rich and... Eurgh."

0:16:080:16:13

Because he wanted an end to Punch and Judy politics, didn't he?

0:16:130:16:17

Ed Miliband.

0:16:170:16:18

You would, if you looked like him and clapped like that...

0:16:180:16:20

"You've lost the election, but you've won a big string of sausages."

0:16:220:16:27

There's a picture here

0:16:270:16:28

of the moment when Mr Axelrod told Barack Obama

0:16:280:16:31

that he was going to make Ed Miliband Prime Minister.

0:16:310:16:34

According to the Daily Mail, Mr Axelrod said...

0:16:360:16:39

Little bit of help from Mr Axelrod,

0:16:470:16:49

Miliband should be able to do that on May the 6th next year.

0:16:490:16:53

According to David Axelrod's campaign staff,

0:16:530:16:55

He's a messy eater. Staff say that in the past...

0:16:550:16:58

And he also addressed a large meeting...

0:17:030:17:06

Meanwhile, in Scottish independence news,

0:17:120:17:14

who has been drafted in to help the...

0:17:140:17:16

-Gordon Brown.

-..struggling Better Together campaign?

0:17:160:17:18

-Gordon Brown.

-Yes.

-He's going to come in and enthuse everybody.

0:17:180:17:21

THEY SCOFF

0:17:210:17:22

Papers say he's still popular up in Scotland,

0:17:220:17:25

with certain sections of the population.

0:17:250:17:27

-Mm.

-The midges.

0:17:270:17:28

APPLAUSE

0:17:310:17:33

Any other Scotsmen had a bad week this week?

0:17:350:17:37

Well, David Moyes hasn't has a good week!

0:17:370:17:39

That's the answer to the question!

0:17:390:17:41

-Oh, well done.

-Have a point.

-Yay!

0:17:410:17:43

Somebody's going to step in as a sort of caretaker. Do you know...?

0:17:430:17:47

-Ryan Giggs.

-Yes.

-Even I know that.

0:17:470:17:49

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Are you allowed to say his name in public?

0:17:490:17:52

Oh...

0:17:520:17:53

I don't know...

0:17:530:17:55

Rather you than me.

0:17:570:17:59

I mean...

0:17:590:18:00

Andy Gibbons tweeted...

0:18:000:18:01

Who's not interested in that job, do you know?

0:18:100:18:13

-Oh, is it Sir Bruce?

-Madrid.

0:18:130:18:15

It's Jurgen Klopp.

0:18:150:18:16

-Oh.

-He's ruled himself out,

0:18:160:18:19

but he's asked if his brother Klippety could be considered.

0:18:190:18:22

This is Ed Miliband's hiring of legendary American campaign guru

0:18:260:18:30

David Axelrod.

0:18:300:18:32

Let's hope his rather disappointing brother

0:18:320:18:34

Ed Axelrod doesn't turn up instead.

0:18:340:18:36

Gordon Brown's given a speech this week warning of a pension time bomb

0:18:370:18:41

if Scotland goes independent.

0:18:410:18:43

According to the Guardian...

0:18:430:18:44

And the other two thirds will just look it.

0:18:480:18:50

Another 10% goes.

0:18:520:18:54

Ryan Giggs reckons he has what it takes to be the next manager.

0:18:560:18:59

Talking about the younger players in the reserve team, he says...

0:18:590:19:02

Well, you would, if you've jumped their mothers, wouldn't you?

0:19:040:19:07

And so to round two, the Gramophone of News.

0:19:130:19:17

Here are some stories this week with a historical bent.

0:19:170:19:20

I'm going to give you a clue using the Gramophone of News.

0:19:200:19:24

ALL: Ooh!

0:19:240:19:27

Twat. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:19:270:19:30

-Here's the first one.

-Yeah.

0:19:300:19:32

MUSIC: "One Morning in May" by Stanley Black

0:19:320:19:34

COCKEREL CROWS

0:19:340:19:36

BUZZER

0:19:370:19:39

-Who's that?

-That was me.

-Oh, well done.

0:19:390:19:42

Suntan bed's ready. Erm...

0:19:430:19:46

That's Pathe News.

0:19:460:19:47

Pathe News - they made these newsreels for about 40, 50 years,

0:19:470:19:51

they've released the whole lot online, I think.

0:19:510:19:54

So everything that Pathe News ever did is now available to see.

0:19:540:19:57

Absolutely right. 85,000 newsreels onto YouTube.

0:19:570:20:01

-God, that's going to take me ages.

-I was going to say, "..to download!"

0:20:010:20:04

Let's have a look at some of them.

0:20:040:20:06

What's Fanny Cradock going to do with this egg?

0:20:060:20:08

-She's going to slice it very thinly.

-She is.

0:20:080:20:10

You watch and learn.

0:20:100:20:12

-A swan?

-A swan egg.

0:20:120:20:14

It's a beautiful eggy swan.

0:20:140:20:17

Oh, yes.

0:20:170:20:19

-JO: Canapes have changed, haven't they?

-Yeah.

0:20:190:20:22

The Great British Drake Off.

0:20:220:20:24

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

0:20:240:20:26

Thank you very much.

0:20:260:20:28

A drake's a duck.

0:20:280:20:30

Yeah, I know.

0:20:300:20:31

What do you think he's getting ready to do?

0:20:310:20:33

JOHNNY: Is he going to conserve water by swallowing the toothpaste

0:20:330:20:36

and not spitting it out?

0:20:360:20:38

It's a war effort thing.

0:20:380:20:39

"Watch out, Hitler!

0:20:400:20:41

"We're swallowing our toothpaste this side of the Channel.

0:20:410:20:44

"Take that, Hermann Goerin'."

0:20:460:20:48

Well, let's see what he did next.

0:20:490:20:52

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:20:520:20:53

-JO: You're right, we'd never have guessed.

-You wouldn't would you?

0:20:530:20:56

You had to make your own entertainment in them days.

0:20:560:21:00

What do you think is about to happen to these dogs?

0:21:000:21:02

AUDIENCE: Ahh.

0:21:020:21:03

-The terrible things they're all thinking!

-Yes...

0:21:030:21:07

JO: Hot-air balloon?

0:21:070:21:09

JOHNNY: Does one of them get fed after midnight? And...

0:21:090:21:12

..lots of evil dogs are produced, and they trash their neighbourhood?

0:21:140:21:17

Let's have a look.

0:21:170:21:19

Blimey.

0:21:220:21:23

-How dignified.

-Yes.

0:21:230:21:25

The Pathe archive also includes footage

0:21:280:21:30

of Arnold Schwarzenegger's first performance.

0:21:300:21:33

Here he is playing Hamlet.

0:21:330:21:34

-PAUL AS SCHWARZENEGGER:

-"To be or not to be."

0:21:360:21:38

Here we go, back to the Gramophone of News, everyone.

0:21:380:21:41

-Gramophone of News!

-Fingers on your buzzers.

0:21:410:21:43

"Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland!"

0:21:430:21:46

BUZZER

0:21:460:21:47

-That's a bit of Macbeth.

-Mm.

-Is it?

0:21:470:21:49

-He said it!

-Yeah, "Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland."

0:21:490:21:52

-This is Shakespeare's birthday.

-Yes.

-Oh, I didn't get him anything.

0:21:520:21:56

Do you know what birthday it is?

0:21:570:21:59

450, is it?

0:21:590:22:00

Well done, yeah. It is the Sun's celebration.

0:22:000:22:02

Helpfully summarised all 37 of his plays.

0:22:020:22:05

Here's Twelfth Night:

0:22:050:22:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:180:22:20

Here's Much Ado About Nothing:

0:22:230:22:25

Johnny, you played Bottom, didn't you? Who was Snug to your Bottom?

0:22:280:22:31

-Was it the monkey?

-Don't bring this up again!

0:22:310:22:35

We did this last time.

0:22:350:22:37

-I like him.

-Well, he's doing his own ads now. I've been edged out.

0:22:370:22:40

It's not even the fact that I'm not cutting-edge any more -

0:22:400:22:44

I'm bitter.

0:22:440:22:46

On top of that. You know what?

0:22:460:22:48

Love coffee.

0:22:480:22:50

It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

0:22:540:22:56

Your four are:

0:22:560:22:57

The Tramp, David Miliband,

0:22:570:23:00

Jack Straw, and Fusarium wilt.

0:23:000:23:02

-Er...

-Has David Miliband got a question mark on his head?

0:23:030:23:06

His mum put it there, cos she couldn't work out which was which.

0:23:060:23:09

It looks like he's been kicked by a tiny horse.

0:23:090:23:11

-Yeah. Woke up feeling a little horse.

-Wahey!

0:23:110:23:14

-Do you want a clue?

-Yes, please.

-There's yellow.

0:23:140:23:17

Is it Nick Clegg?

0:23:170:23:18

I can't think what yellow has to do with Chaplin's Tramp.

0:23:200:23:23

-The make-up or something he was wearing?

-A little more...

0:23:230:23:26

-It's bent and it's yellow.

-Bent and yellow?

-Bananas.

-Ah!

0:23:260:23:29

-Ah.

-Ah! David Miliband, of course,

0:23:290:23:31

didn't he trip on a banana, or...?

0:23:310:23:34

-He appeared with a banana.

-He appeared with a banana.

0:23:340:23:36

-That's right.

-And looked a bit silly.

-Yes.

0:23:360:23:38

They've all had an embarrassment with bananas

0:23:380:23:40

apart from the disease, which gets into bananas.

0:23:400:23:43

Yes!

0:23:430:23:44

-Yes.

-That's impossible.

0:23:480:23:49

Er, this week Jack Straw was photographed

0:23:490:23:53

eating a banana on the M6.

0:23:530:23:56

Here's the damning evidence.

0:23:570:23:59

He was obviously full of regret. He told journalists:

0:24:010:24:04

And David Miliband famously faced ridicule

0:24:080:24:10

at the 2008 Labour Party conference

0:24:100:24:12

after being photographed with a 'nana.

0:24:120:24:14

Sorry, that's the wrong 'nana.

0:24:170:24:19

They've all got into trouble with a banana,

0:24:200:24:23

apart from Fusarium wilt, which is causing trouble FOR bananas.

0:24:230:24:26

According to Gert Kema,

0:24:260:24:27

who's the director of a banana research programme

0:24:270:24:30

at Wageningen University in the Netherlands,

0:24:300:24:32

it's critical that the banana disease is contained, as:

0:24:320:24:35

Apple?

0:24:390:24:41

So it's time now for the Missing Words round,

0:24:410:24:44

which this week features as its guest publication

0:24:440:24:46

Total Grooming Magazine, which is all about dog grooming.

0:24:460:24:50

How to pick up dogs on the internet.

0:24:500:24:52

And we start with:

0:24:520:24:54

Ann Widdecombe as his midnight bride?

0:24:560:24:59

Take the stairs.

0:25:010:25:02

After complaining about the dreadful pop music in the BBC lifts,

0:25:040:25:08

Jeremy Paxman was sent a letter from a radio boss, Ben Cooper.

0:25:080:25:12

Oooh!

0:25:180:25:20

Next:

0:25:220:25:23

I wanna enter my dog

0:25:260:25:27

at all the local dog shows in the area.

0:25:280:25:31

That's the rest of it, but you haven't got that bit.

0:25:310:25:33

You'll get 30 years.

0:25:330:25:34

-Look like.

-Look like?

-JO: Oh, look like!

0:25:350:25:38

Next:

0:25:380:25:39

JOHNNY: Ride penny-farthings.

0:25:410:25:43

Eat on an empty stomach.

0:25:450:25:47

Urinate standing up.

0:25:500:25:51

Tweet or own a cat.

0:25:540:25:56

Yes, Country Life Magazine's updated Guide to Gentlemanly Manners.

0:25:560:26:00

According to them, a true gentleman does not:

0:26:000:26:02

That's my weekend up the Swanee!

0:26:050:26:07

Next:

0:26:090:26:10

Traffic detour sign makes fish turn into harbour.

0:26:130:26:15

JOHNNY: Fishing makes fish turn into supper.

0:26:180:26:21

The answer is Prozac makes fish turn into frenzied killers.

0:26:240:26:27

-Killers!

-Next. What seen from space?

0:26:270:26:30

The moon!

0:26:300:26:31

Eric Pickles.

0:26:320:26:34

-JO: Dog in a rocket.

-What is it?

0:26:340:26:37

Nessie.

0:26:370:26:39

Really? They can't even spot her on the ground, but...

0:26:390:26:42

go 5,000 miles up there and it's clear as day.

0:26:420:26:45

This is a satellite image which supposedly shows

0:26:450:26:47

the Loch Ness Monster. According to the Mirror,

0:26:470:26:50

the picture has been probed by:

0:26:500:26:52

Good thing - you wouldn't want a bunch of nutjobs looking into it.

0:26:540:26:57

Finally:

0:27:000:27:02

JOHNNY: Torment with panache!

0:27:060:27:08

Er, to make his favourite cheese.

0:27:110:27:13

This is the shock revelation that Kim Jong Un eats a lot of cheese.

0:27:130:27:17

Who knew?

0:27:170:27:18

Is the name of the person who gets it for him.

0:27:200:27:22

LAUGHTER

0:27:220:27:24

APPLAUSE

0:27:240:27:25

So the final scores are,

0:27:280:27:31

Johnny and Ian have 9,

0:27:310:27:32

Jo and Paul have 6!

0:27:320:27:34

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

0:27:400:27:42

Ian Hislop and Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton and Jo Coburn,

0:27:420:27:45

and I leave you with news that in Kent,

0:27:450:27:47

Nigel Farage gets himself into the right state of mind

0:27:470:27:49

to compose the UKIP manifesto.

0:27:490:27:51

There are calls for Tony Blair to be made a saint,

0:27:550:27:57

as his face appears on a pizza.

0:27:570:27:59

And after admitting in court that his affair with Rebekah Brooks

0:28:040:28:07

was wrong, a contrite Andy Coulson leaves the Old Bailey with his wife.

0:28:070:28:10

APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:15

Good night!

0:28:170:28:19

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS