Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Martin Clunes.

In the news this week,

as the BBC introduces a "bring your pet to work" day,

one employee makes regular checks on Sammy the hamster.

The head of BBC Drama brings in a new voice coach

for the cast of Jamaica Inn.

WAILING

HOWLING

HOWLING

And as Richard Branson prepares to start his Virgin Galactic service,

rival engineers at Ryanair

attempt to launch their first customer into space.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's was always got

a pint in his hand and is known for his unhinged angry rants.

In fact, if he didn't love Benidorm so much, he could be Nigel Farage.

Please welcome Johnny Vegas.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a political correspondent who started out at the BBC

with special responsibility for breakfast.

She was the one who had to put the shredded wheat on Andrew Neil's head.

Please welcome Jo Coburn.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

-Blimey.

-Speak up!

Yes, your ear trumpet, man.

Oh, yes, this is probably Cornwall.

This is the BBC show, Jamaica Inn, which I didn't see,

but a lot of people didn't hear apparently.

They had more complaints about this, the BBC,

-than they've had about anything else for a very long time.

-Yes.

So whether it was 1,500 people's TV sets that weren't working

-or it was technical problems.

-Shall we have a little look?

There's a bunch of petticoats here to see you.

Joss, we've gone to hell.

Salt and the twins have been busted. Legassik caught them.

MUMBLING

An ordinary man.

INDISTINCT SINGING

-Johnny.

-There you go.

APPLAUSE

That's the only job I got via a casting.

MUMBLES

Do you mind working topless?

MUMBLES

To be fair, this was set in an era before sound recording was available.

But they did mumble all the way through it.

And the Beeb said at first it was a technical problem,

then number two went out and I watched it

and I couldn't hear any of it.

They said they turned it up for the second episode.

There's been some great letters in the paper.

Adrian Whitely had a pithy comment on the Jamaica Inn drama.

And Martin Davies, who is actually from Cornwall,

had a completely different gripe altogether.

-Surely it's Dominus Regit Me?

-Whatever.

What else has Cornwall been in the news for lately?

It's gone independent.

Yes, a spokesman for the Cornish National Liberation Army said...

MUMBLES

Let's not forget how the Sun referred to CNLA as the...

People of Cornwall have been officially recognised as a UK minority.

According to the Telegraph, the decision means...

Which means they can now be shot with impunity by the Metropolitan police.

Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.

Oh, this is Farage, unveiling his new poster campaign.

It's going to be gloomy. Floods.

And there's the average UKIP voter.

And news has arrived. The Second World War has broken out.

There's some posters and they caused a lot of trouble.

One of the election leaflets had a girl in it saying,

"I'm an ordinary voter from Devon and I vote UKIP"

and it turned out she worked for Farage as his assistant.

And she was paid.

-There's one with a pointy finger, isn't there?

-We've got it here.

JO: Yes, immigrants are taking jobs from British workers.

Taking bogies from the end of British fingers.

Is it the lottery?

There's someone going to vote UKIP, it could be you.

That did raise the question about Nigel Farage's German wife

and whether or not a Brit could do her job of being his secretary.

To be honest, it's not a job a lot of British people would want.

We've got a clip with Nick Robinson, it's really good.

You try to turn everything into a joke.

You have a campaign that says that Europeans are taking British jobs.

-Yes.

-You employ a German woman to work in your office.

She happens to be your wife.

She happens to spend many hundreds of thousands of British taxpayers' money.

How do you justify that?

No, she doesn't, she earns a very modest salary,

for working extremely unsociable hours for me.

So why isn't she taking a British person's job?

Because nobody else could do the job.

No British person could work for you as your secretary?

Not unless I marry them.

You don't think anybody is capable of doing that job?

-What, marrying me?

-No, doing the job as your secretary.

I don't know anybody who would work those kind of hours.

So that's it, it's clear, UKIP not believe that any British person

is capable of being the secretary of their leader.

That's nonsense, and you know it.

That sounds like me trying to excuse the use of prostitutes.

-Enlighten us.

-Or don't.

The threat to some English people's jobs

encourage some British people to work even harder

and get versions like this of the poster up on Twitter.

JO: Which job would you rather do?

-Be Nigel Farage's secretary of the new manager of Manchester United?

-Me?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

No-brainer, as they say.

"Dear Nigel..."

How did the founder of the UKIP party, Dr Alan Sked,

recently describe Nigel Farage?

A drunken imbecile.

JOHNNY: A prick.

They described him as...

Which is coincidentally the B-side of Young, Gifted And Black.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other European news what's just been launched in Portugal?

A new grape!

The Portuguese Navy unveiled its new state of the art surveillance drone

at a naval base in Lisbon. Let's see how that went.

This is UKIP's new poster campaign which is full of outrageous claims.

It emerged that a woman posing as a voter in UKIP's manifesto

was a certain Lizzy Vaid, who is, in fact, the...

Basically, she arranges the lock-ins and books the strippers.

LAUGHTER

Neil Hamilton has been demoted as UKIP's campaign director.

Some UKIP members see him as...

That's no way to talk about Christine.

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

-It's a bar.

-It's a bar, definitely a bar. There's a tough guy.

Oh, yes. There's less fighting going on in Britain,

although this clip would say otherwise,

but of course that's the Wild West in 1943.

There's a happy doctor. So yes, people are drinking less alcohol

so there's less violence on a Saturday night is the story, I think.

It is. People can't afford to get pissed I think, isn't it, these days.

-Is that the technical term?

-Yes.

Anybody here drinking less?

Put that down.

LAUGHTER

Someone's put water in it!

-It could be that alcohol is more expensive.

-Hmm.

That was one of the reasons.

They said deliberately making the price of, say,

a six pack of cider, I gather, erm...

LAUGHTER

..more expensive puts people off.

And so the government was going to make minimum pricing,

but they've changed their mind.

A lot of the big drinks companies took them out for a pint

and they changed their mind completely.

But that could be it. There are a lot of possibles, aren't there?

I thought we might have adopted a more European approach to alcohol.

You know you go out and just savour it and just enjoy it?

But the other night I genuinely saw a bloke arguing with his wife

and he said, "That's why you can't keep a budgie in a round cage,

"you silly bitch.

"They need corners." And she said, "Well, what's wrong with parrots?"

This is genuine.

And he went, "Parrots can talk, budgies need solace."

And then he punched a wall.

-There was another theory about lead poisoning.

-Yes.

-I like that one.

Apparently if you had or when you had lead in petrol it made people

go in for the fisticuffs, like your example, more often.

Why are we still using pencils?

They'd be hard to give up.

I've got a pen.

The hard stuff.

A study at the University of Cardiff found that...

To two.

Now, have you heard of this American technological

breakthrough that might help to bring the price of alcohol down

and get everyone back punching each other properly?

Powered alcohol. Or to give it its correct name...

I shit you not.

Just mix with beer.

According to the manufacturer's website...

And what do you think the people from the Civitas think tank

think in their think tank?

We need a bigger tank.

Why are we working in a tank? We're bright.

-More booze.

-Yeah.

Spokesman David Green told the Times...

Twat.

And our leader David Cameron, he'd probably agree with that,

do you think? What do you think? Why? Would he?

-He says we're a Christian country.

-Yes.

-And that shocked people.

No, cynics would say there's an election round the corner.

Let's break the Alastair Campbell diktat and do God.

Get those churchgoers who might convert to UKIP

back in the Tory fold.

It's quite mean to suggest they're going to convert to UKIP.

I mean, they're not entirely gullible.

We are a Christian country, aren't we?

Yeah, more or less, culturally, historically.

Look at all the people that couldn't give a shit about God

-sitting their with the kids.

-Yeah.

Every Sunday trying to get them into a decent school.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who wrote this about David Cameron's theolog...

Sod it, I'll start this again.

Who wrote this about David Cameron's theologism? Theologis...

Theologis...

Beliefs.

Yeah.

Who wrote this about David Cameron's ideas?

LAUGHTER

And I quote...

And the problem is?

-That's Alastair Campbell.

-Yeah, it is.

-Is it?

Don't do God.

Just giving Satan's view for balance.

Going back to alcohol-related violence, um...

More fun.

Would you like to see a very drunk man behaving quite harmlessly?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Here he is.

He's trying to get to the other side of the fence.

He can't get through it.

He can't get over it.

And a little boy comes back from the shops...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is the drop in violent crime which has been attributed to

a fall in binge drinking.

Also in the news this week, a new powdered alcohol called Palcohol.

According to the Times...

Sadly too late for David Moyes.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Also in the news this week,

David Cameron has declared Britain is a Christian country

and reasserted his faith at an Easter reception

for Christian leaders,

leaving many in the congregation shaking their heads and asking,

"What's this got to do with bunnies and chocolate?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.

Ed Miliband.

Is he looking into a mirror?

And that's his new spin doctor, David Axelrod.

He's an American they brought over.

He's an election guru, and he's being paid, apparently,

a six-figure sum, because there's no English or British people

who could get Miliband elected.

It's a highly specialist skill. Apparently he's brilliant.

I mean, first black president ever - Obama.

First...

Ed Milibandy kind of guy to get in.

Er...he's going to get elected. So it's very exciting, isn't it?

Well, they're not alone, though, are they?

It's the battle of the election gurus.

The Tories have already got the Australian guy, Lynton Crosby,

-and the Liberal Democrats have got one as well.

-Have they?

-Yeah.

-Lord Haw-Haw?

No!

Everyone said it's going to be really unpleasant,

because apparently this man's skill is negative campaigning,

so instead of saying, "My guy is great," you know, which with Ed...

you know, might be difficult...

He's going to say, "Your guys are posh and rich and... Eurgh."

Because he wanted an end to Punch and Judy politics, didn't he?

Ed Miliband.

You would, if you looked like him and clapped like that...

"You've lost the election, but you've won a big string of sausages."

There's a picture here

of the moment when Mr Axelrod told Barack Obama

that he was going to make Ed Miliband Prime Minister.

According to the Daily Mail, Mr Axelrod said...

Little bit of help from Mr Axelrod,

Miliband should be able to do that on May the 6th next year.

According to David Axelrod's campaign staff,

He's a messy eater. Staff say that in the past...

And he also addressed a large meeting...

Meanwhile, in Scottish independence news,

who has been drafted in to help the...

-Gordon Brown.

-..struggling Better Together campaign?

-Gordon Brown.

-Yes.

-He's going to come in and enthuse everybody.

THEY SCOFF

Papers say he's still popular up in Scotland,

with certain sections of the population.

-Mm.

-The midges.

APPLAUSE

Any other Scotsmen had a bad week this week?

Well, David Moyes hasn't has a good week!

That's the answer to the question!

-Oh, well done.

-Have a point.

-Yay!

Somebody's going to step in as a sort of caretaker. Do you know...?

-Ryan Giggs.

-Yes.

-Even I know that.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Are you allowed to say his name in public?

Oh...

I don't know...

Rather you than me.

I mean...

Andy Gibbons tweeted...

Who's not interested in that job, do you know?

-Oh, is it Sir Bruce?

-Madrid.

It's Jurgen Klopp.

-Oh.

-He's ruled himself out,

but he's asked if his brother Klippety could be considered.

This is Ed Miliband's hiring of legendary American campaign guru

David Axelrod.

Let's hope his rather disappointing brother

Ed Axelrod doesn't turn up instead.

Gordon Brown's given a speech this week warning of a pension time bomb

if Scotland goes independent.

According to the Guardian...

And the other two thirds will just look it.

Another 10% goes.

Ryan Giggs reckons he has what it takes to be the next manager.

Talking about the younger players in the reserve team, he says...

Well, you would, if you've jumped their mothers, wouldn't you?

And so to round two, the Gramophone of News.

Here are some stories this week with a historical bent.

I'm going to give you a clue using the Gramophone of News.

ALL: Ooh!

Twat. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-Here's the first one.

-Yeah.

MUSIC: "One Morning in May" by Stanley Black

COCKEREL CROWS

BUZZER

-Who's that?

-That was me.

-Oh, well done.

Suntan bed's ready. Erm...

That's Pathe News.

Pathe News - they made these newsreels for about 40, 50 years,

they've released the whole lot online, I think.

So everything that Pathe News ever did is now available to see.

Absolutely right. 85,000 newsreels onto YouTube.

-God, that's going to take me ages.

-I was going to say, "..to download!"

Let's have a look at some of them.

What's Fanny Cradock going to do with this egg?

-She's going to slice it very thinly.

-She is.

You watch and learn.

-A swan?

-A swan egg.

It's a beautiful eggy swan.

Oh, yes.

-JO: Canapes have changed, haven't they?

-Yeah.

The Great British Drake Off.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

A drake's a duck.

Yeah, I know.

What do you think he's getting ready to do?

JOHNNY: Is he going to conserve water by swallowing the toothpaste

and not spitting it out?

It's a war effort thing.

"Watch out, Hitler!

"We're swallowing our toothpaste this side of the Channel.

"Take that, Hermann Goerin'."

Well, let's see what he did next.

AUDIENCE GASPS

-JO: You're right, we'd never have guessed.

-You wouldn't would you?

You had to make your own entertainment in them days.

What do you think is about to happen to these dogs?

AUDIENCE: Ahh.

-The terrible things they're all thinking!

-Yes...

JO: Hot-air balloon?

JOHNNY: Does one of them get fed after midnight? And...

..lots of evil dogs are produced, and they trash their neighbourhood?

Let's have a look.

Blimey.

-How dignified.

-Yes.

The Pathe archive also includes footage

of Arnold Schwarzenegger's first performance.

Here he is playing Hamlet.

-PAUL AS SCHWARZENEGGER:

-"To be or not to be."

Here we go, back to the Gramophone of News, everyone.

-Gramophone of News!

-Fingers on your buzzers.

"Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland!"

BUZZER

-That's a bit of Macbeth.

-Mm.

-Is it?

-He said it!

-Yeah, "Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland."

-This is Shakespeare's birthday.

-Yes.

-Oh, I didn't get him anything.

Do you know what birthday it is?

450, is it?

Well done, yeah. It is the Sun's celebration.

Helpfully summarised all 37 of his plays.

Here's Twelfth Night:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here's Much Ado About Nothing:

Johnny, you played Bottom, didn't you? Who was Snug to your Bottom?

-Was it the monkey?

-Don't bring this up again!

We did this last time.

-I like him.

-Well, he's doing his own ads now. I've been edged out.

It's not even the fact that I'm not cutting-edge any more -

I'm bitter.

On top of that. You know what?

Love coffee.

It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are:

The Tramp, David Miliband,

Jack Straw, and Fusarium wilt.

-Er...

-Has David Miliband got a question mark on his head?

His mum put it there, cos she couldn't work out which was which.

It looks like he's been kicked by a tiny horse.

-Yeah. Woke up feeling a little horse.

-Wahey!

-Do you want a clue?

-Yes, please.

-There's yellow.

Is it Nick Clegg?

I can't think what yellow has to do with Chaplin's Tramp.

-The make-up or something he was wearing?

-A little more...

-It's bent and it's yellow.

-Bent and yellow?

-Bananas.

-Ah!

-Ah.

-Ah! David Miliband, of course,

didn't he trip on a banana, or...?

-He appeared with a banana.

-He appeared with a banana.

-That's right.

-And looked a bit silly.

-Yes.

They've all had an embarrassment with bananas

apart from the disease, which gets into bananas.

Yes!

-Yes.

-That's impossible.

Er, this week Jack Straw was photographed

eating a banana on the M6.

Here's the damning evidence.

He was obviously full of regret. He told journalists:

And David Miliband famously faced ridicule

at the 2008 Labour Party conference

after being photographed with a 'nana.

Sorry, that's the wrong 'nana.

They've all got into trouble with a banana,

apart from Fusarium wilt, which is causing trouble FOR bananas.

According to Gert Kema,

who's the director of a banana research programme

at Wageningen University in the Netherlands,

it's critical that the banana disease is contained, as:

Apple?

So it's time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Total Grooming Magazine, which is all about dog grooming.

How to pick up dogs on the internet.

And we start with:

Ann Widdecombe as his midnight bride?

Take the stairs.

After complaining about the dreadful pop music in the BBC lifts,

Jeremy Paxman was sent a letter from a radio boss, Ben Cooper.

Oooh!

Next:

I wanna enter my dog

at all the local dog shows in the area.

That's the rest of it, but you haven't got that bit.

You'll get 30 years.

-Look like.

-Look like?

-JO: Oh, look like!

Next:

JOHNNY: Ride penny-farthings.

Eat on an empty stomach.

Urinate standing up.

Tweet or own a cat.

Yes, Country Life Magazine's updated Guide to Gentlemanly Manners.

According to them, a true gentleman does not:

That's my weekend up the Swanee!

Next:

Traffic detour sign makes fish turn into harbour.

JOHNNY: Fishing makes fish turn into supper.

The answer is Prozac makes fish turn into frenzied killers.

-Killers!

-Next. What seen from space?

The moon!

Eric Pickles.

-JO: Dog in a rocket.

-What is it?

Nessie.

Really? They can't even spot her on the ground, but...

go 5,000 miles up there and it's clear as day.

This is a satellite image which supposedly shows

the Loch Ness Monster. According to the Mirror,

the picture has been probed by:

Good thing - you wouldn't want a bunch of nutjobs looking into it.

Finally:

JOHNNY: Torment with panache!

Er, to make his favourite cheese.

This is the shock revelation that Kim Jong Un eats a lot of cheese.

Who knew?

Is the name of the person who gets it for him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So the final scores are,

Johnny and Ian have 9,

Jo and Paul have 6!

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton and Jo Coburn,

and I leave you with news that in Kent,

Nigel Farage gets himself into the right state of mind

to compose the UKIP manifesto.

There are calls for Tony Blair to be made a saint,

as his face appears on a pizza.

And after admitting in court that his affair with Rebekah Brooks

was wrong, a contrite Andy Coulson leaves the Old Bailey with his wife.

APPLAUSE

Good night!