Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

This Programme Contains Some Strong Language

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

In the news this week, on the edge of the Brazilian rainforest,

the groundsman insists that England's World Cup training ground

is safe to practise on.

LAUGHTER

In a last-ditch UKIP political broadcast, Nigel Farage provides

further evidence of foreigners using up valuable NHS resources.

And there are one or two teething problems

with the newly designed uniform

for Switzerland's elite armed response unit.

LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose own show on Dave

involved him riding around the UK on his motorbike

whilst people on Twitter told him where to go.

That's Twitter for you. Please welcome Ross Noble.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, someone whose poems are now being taught

in the GCSE curriculum currently under review by Michael Gove.

Twat.

Is the name of one of his poems. Please welcome John Cooper Clarke.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the big European election stories of the week.

Ian and Ross, take a look at this.

That's the new Godzilla film there.

Rarr! I will destroy the whole of Britain!

Oh, a couple there sneaking out of the toilets, by the looks of things.

Oh, this is the main parties

who've woken up to the fact that there is an election

one day before it started.

-And that UKIP might win it.

-He's buying everyone flowers.

He's going, "Go on, just a couple of votes. Go on.

"Sniff 'em."

-Yes.

-That's his slogan. "Labour, go on, sniff 'em."

This is the news indeed that the Euro election is finally here.

Various questions have been asked in various polls

of the electorate recently.

Which leader looks the most weird, all that sort of stuff.

But which question in a recent poll in the Mirror

had 38 percent of the people who were asked agreeing with it?

-Are you going to vote?

-No, it was...

-38 percent?

-Yes.

How has the Bulgarian political scientist Ivan Kratsev

described the European Union?

And these could be words from maybe one of your poems, John.

-IMITATES JOHN'S ACCENT:

-A total waste of time.

That was John Cooper Clarke.

I thought that was you doing Bulgarian.

No, no. That was Liverpudlian.

-IMITATES JOHN: Welcome to Bulgaria.

-No.

Ivan Kratsev actually said it was...

That is my style, sclerotic. Cos I'm a doctor now.

-Are you an honorary doctor?

-Are you able to operate on people?

Oh, absolutely.

Can you have a look at my feet after this?

I'm more of an ears, nose and throat guy.

After the arrival this week of this new spin doctor,

David Axelrod, did Ed Miliband enjoy

a successful, gaffe-free final week of campaigning?

No, he had a disastrous week.

He went on local radio, Radio Wiltshire?

And the DJ asked him about the local Labour leader on the council.

And Miliband didn't know who it was, but he pretended he did.

For people who haven't had the pleasure, I think

we should maybe listen again to this.

-What do you make of Jim Grant?

-I beg your pardon.

-Jim Grant.

Do you think he's doing a good job?

I think that lots of Labour representatives are doing

a good job right across the country.

-And, er...

-You do know who Jim Grant is, Mr Miliband?

-Well, you would enlighten me, I'm sure.

-Swindon Labour leader.

Yes, I think he's doing a good job and I think...

Will he feel you support him enough if you don't even know his name?

He's doing a good job as leader of the council, Jim is.

And I think that's the case.

But he's not the leader of the council, is he, Mr Miliband?

It's a Conservative-led council.

No, I think he's doing a good job for Labour on the council.

-Fantastic.

-Do you think he's going for the sympathy vote?

-Who was the guy in the hoodie?

-That was the Wiltshire DJ.

He looks like that guy that walks out of that open prison with the teeth...

He's the DJ, though you obviously think he's Mr Skull Cracker.

That's it, Skull Cracker.

- Hang on, a professional... - No, not him.

-I'm sure it was something like the Tooth Puller or...

-Oh, right.

Sarcastic Dave.

Call this a sub post office?!

No, it's very sad. That was one incident, then he had another one.

Yes, he did, which was concerning...

-He didn't know how much bread costs.

-Who does? How much?

Mr Warburton. You ask him, any size loaf, bang, straightaway. Like that.

No, 80 quid, wasn't it? He said he spent 80 quid.

He was put under some tough forensic questioning

when he appeared on ITV's Good Morning Britain.

He was asked how much he spent a week on groceries.

And Ed Miliband said...

That was just on the essentials.

That's just one loaf of bread and one thing of milk.

And the bloke on the market, he goes, "Miliband's coming. £80, please."

The Good Morning Britain interview that started everything off,

it did have a good start.

Ed Miliband was trailed at the top of the show.

See if you can spot the moment that he remembered

Axelrod's instruction to smile.

Will Ed Miliband survive as leader?

We'll ask him why half of Labour voters think

he's the wrong man for the job.

He's not a natural, is he?

And then he tries to look a bit pouty and sexy as well,

which is a worry.

It's right at the moment when they say,

"Will he survive as leader?" And even he laughs.

I've been away all week, Kirsty, and...

what was that about Axl Rose telling him...?

It would probably be more use, the week he's had.

John, you've been in Ireland,

how excited are they about the European elections?

They don't give a monkey's.

I didn't see word one about it, frankly.

But they've got their own elections going on

and they're amazingly old school about it.

It's all posters nailed to lamp-posts.

Guys in their best...you know, trying to look trustworthy.

-But they all seem to fail, don't they?

-They all look like

they should have "Dead or alive" underneath them.

Who's re-emerged into the spotlight after four years away?

Vincent Price.

Chaka Khan, is it Chaka Khan? Chaka Khan?

I only wish that were true.

It is Gillian Duffy, the woman previously...

ROSS: Oh, the bigot woman.

Who was previously accused by Gordon Brown of being a bigot.

Of course, she's not a bigot.

ROSS: She's got the look of a bigot, though.

LAUGHTER

Just... in my opinion.

I don't think that's quite enough to save you, I'm afraid.

The Daily Telegraph did an interview with her reporting that she regards Ed Miliband as...

She said...

And the triumphant conclusion of the Telegraph interview was...

So this is Ed Miliband's latest most terrible week.

On Radio Wiltshire he didn't know the identity of...

Nick Clegg would never be caught out not knowing

the names of Lib Dem councillors, he's personally met

both of them.

The Times interviewed celebrity hairdresser Charlotte Cave

who cuts Ed Miliband's hair.

Her description...

As for his hair we have no idea.

Paul and John, take a look at this.

Right, OK.

Somebody keeping warm by burning the European flag.

"Er, I bought a wardrobe, I could not get it up the stairs."

"I tried, I tried. I could not get it up the stairs.

"It must have been Romanian, I could not get it up the stairs."

That would seem to be some candidate groping people in the shopping arcade.

-So, it's European elections and all that stuff.

-Yep.

-Particularly it's Nigel Farage.

-Nigel Farage.

-Last big election push.

-He had a carnival cos he thought -

-"If everyone says I'm racist I'll have a really successful carnival in London."

-Yes.

-Well, in Croydon.

-Yeah...

-And it didn't go so well.

-Didn't it?

-No.

-Why not?

-The Croydon Carnivalll...?!

Surely, not(!)

Was there trouble coming in from Purley?

What happened about it?

-His basic idea was that he'd hired a steel band.

-Yeah.

He thought that was multicultural. And they turned up and said -

"God, we're not performing for UKIP." And they went off.

And then that bloke, Winston McKenzie

described Croydon as "a dump..."

And he was going to personally move to another country?

Some anti-UKIP protestors turned up because they had heard that

Nigel Farage was going to be there. And then they started haranguing all the carnival organisers

and when Farage didn't arrive, according to the Mail...

Now the name Winston McKenzie made me wonder

as you might imagine it would whether or not we wanted

to have a little quiz about some other famous McKenzies?

-Yeah!

-Who is this?

-Oh, that's Precious McKenzie...

-Yes!

-..a weightlifter on Blue Peter.

Yes, it is! It's little tiny British weightlifter...

-ROSS: Did he?

-Yes, 1970s, 1960s, he was only 5'1" but always lifting

huge things like the Blue Peter studio on his shoulders.

Running to Wigan with it and back.

Here is talented '70s footballer Duncan McKenzie.

Can you tell me one of his two special powers?

Oh, yeah, throwing golf balls the length of a football pitch

and jumping over cars! There he is!

At last this programme has found my metier!

I'm happy.

-It's a topical news quiz for Paul's childhood!

-Yeah!

As you say, Paul, he could throw a golf ball 125 yards, let's just take a look...

BRIAN MOORE: And on bleak morning at Elland Road last week in his street clothes

and with a slightly strained right shoulder

he still produced a throw there of some 111 yards.

ROSS: That's the only clip from 1970s television

you're still allowed to play on the BBC.

Now, originally this started as a UKIP question -

why have the main parties decided to stop calling UKIP racist?

-Cos it just encourages the voters.

-JOHN: That's right.

Every time they say - "Well, he's a bit of a racist", there's this poll and it just goes up.

People thinking, "Yeah, bit of a racist, yeah, that's for me, then.

-"That's my vote."

-Well, according to the Guardian, the public don't

actually think it's true but every time it happens...

UKIP's rating does go up.

And what was it, particularly, that Nigel Farage, said in that

very rumbustious interview about Romanians?

If they moved in next door -

if just men, that's what he said

they'd have a problem with just Romanian men.

And the interviewer said - "What if it was, like, German children?"

He said that was fine but then it was just Romanian MEN!

# Hallelujah it's... #

And he broke into song and he ripped off his thing...

HE HUMS TUNE

And it turned out he had a spangly outfit on underneath.

Purple spangles - who knew?

How did Farage then try to backtrack on what he'd said?

About Romanians? The day after the interview.

He said he'd been a bit tired. He's just a bit over tired.

Yeah, that's exactly what he said...

The form of words, presumably, he would have liked to have used is

"They're all a bunch of thieving gypos", I would imagine.

Of course, we shouldn't forget that there is another party on the right...

the Conservative Party. What was David Cameron up to in the latter

-stages of his European campaigning this week?

-He went on a walkabout with Boris.

He thought - "If we're going to have a nutter- vote, I'm going to have some of it."

In fact, at one point on his little walkabout they actually sat down

and he was photographed waiting for a train with Boris.

-Really?

-Yes.

Interesting contrast in body language.

One seems to be ready and waiting for any opportunity

that might come along...

and the other one remembers he's a married man.

ROSS: It's a very long tie Boris has got on there, isn't it?

Shouldn't it stop, like, above the gentleman's area?

No, it's clipped to the bottom with a padlock!

This is Nigel Farage, who failed to turn up for a

UKIP event in Croydon.

Nigel Farage didn't turn up at the UKIP rally in south London

where there were ugly scenes...

Now, that's either a protestor in Croydon, or his driver at Gatwick,

waiting to pick him up.

A good portion of the country only know the European elections

are happening because of all the cheaply-printed leaflets

that are being shoved through their letter box,

which could well lead to one seat in the European Parliament

going to Margherita Crusty-Base of the Pizza Hut Party.

I did a Domino's Pizza advert five years ago.

Oh, missed that one... it's chips I like.

I'll tell you when it was. It was at the beginning of the threatened swine flu pandemic.

And I thought - "There's never been a better time to endorse pizzas."

I'd seen all the scare stories on the TV

about how the hospitals would be overloaded

and every family in this country, they said,

would be nursing their precious family member at home

with this highly contagious, possibly life-threatening virus.

And I thought, "Well, there's not many nourishing meals

"you can slide under the door."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Couldn't have done it at a better time.

It's on now to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

It's a football, it's a candle, it's a birthday cake.

Yaya Toure, Manchester City player,

got very upset because nobody bought him a birthday cake for his birthday

and he now wants to get a transfer.

-Is that true?

-Yeah, course it is.

-You don't think I'm making it up?

-It's almost true.

-Almost true.

As you say, the argument actually began...

-They did get him a birthday cake.

-Yeah.

But apparently, that just wasn't good enough,

because Yaya's agent, Dimitri Seluk, pointed out...

That is revolting.

-You can rent them, though.

-Yes.

Do you know how much Yaya Toure is reputed to be paid?

Is it £70 a week?

Is it enough to buy some groceries for the Milibands?

Round about 220 grand a week.

-Right.

-So he can afford a cake.

He could buy Greggs.

-Every branch.

-Every branch.

-Every branch.

APPLAUSE

David Cameron has waded into the world of football this week.

Who did he say he would have sacked, were he able?

Richard Scudamore.

Yeah, exactly, the head of the Premier League,

after e-mail exchanges between Scudamore

and his lawyer friend Nick West were leaked to the Sunday Mirror.

Who was it that leapt to Mr Scudamore's defence?

John Inverdale.

ROSS: Jim Davidson?

-It was West Ham vice chair Karren Brady.

-Oh, yes.

She defended Scudamore, saying...

And she should know, working for a club owned by two men

who made their fortune selling...

ROSS: To be fair, though,

Hardcore Housewives could just be housewives

that like to get a lot done.

You know what I mean?

They could just be...

-Not just their house. Other people's.

-Exactly.

"That's not clean. I'm sorry, I'm not picking the kids up till that's clean."

I prefer your world.

Although you would be disappointed if you got Hardcore Housewives

and flicked through - "Blimey, everything's very clean in this."

Which would-be poet is likely to lose their job this week?

Is it the baker? The cheeky baker...

-It is the cheeky baker.

-..who's been the bored baker.

He's been putting these haikus

in packets of biscuits in branches of Sainsbury's.

We'll take a look at them.

Yeah, that's a haiku, that, innit?

The next one...

Hey, he's good. He's on fire.

Yeah.

What do you make of this one, John?

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

-That's good news from the guy who's baking your stuff.

-Yes - reassuring.

Who knew he was an incurable romantic?

-What are the rules?

-Got to be three lines.

Five-seven-five syllables. Like this one...

"Smarter men than I

"Have been total idiots

"I've met them all."

Or, "To freeze the moment

"In 17 syllables

"Is very diffic..."

That's the one that I'm most known for.

APPLAUSE

This is Yaya Toure and the furore about his...

Was that a haiku you just did? Was there a rhyme in there?

-No, there's no rhyme in it.

-Oh, there's no rhymes.

-Can you do that one again as a limerick?

-Yeah.

-Yaya Toure had a bit of a furore...

-Who set off a furore.

-He wanted a cake...

-But a terrible mistake...

They said, "This is a rubbish story."

Boom!

APPLAUSE

That was like a posh version of 8 Mile.

This is Yaya Toure and the furore...

See what I mean?

This is Yaya Toure

and the stramash about his disappointing 31st birthday party...

JOHN: Oh, you're good.

..where, apparently, he celebrated being six years old.

Manchester City have tried to make amends

by buying him a princess outfit.

Right, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Theresa May - she's taken off the helmet part.

She's terrified of the police.

She gave a speech to the Police Federation,

saying, "We're going to cut off all your money.

"You're absolutely useless and you need reform

"and we're not asking you, we're telling you."

And usually, the Tories, they go to the police events

and everyone claps and they say,

"You're marvellous and we need more of you on the beat."

And she just said, "You're rubbish."

And they all said, "Oh! Police brutality!"

What measures precisely did Theresa May say

had already been taken against the Police Federation?

-Well, they've cut their money.

-Yeah - £190,000 has been cut.

-Well, they're sitting on a vast pile of money.

-Yeah.

Some of which they use to sue satirical magazines

who write things about the police.

What is that frock? I can't get past it.

Is she standing in it?

She's worried that she's going to be tasered.

ROSS: If you...if you look at it from the other side,

she's actually holding both of them by the throat.

Theresa May's speech was met with anger by the Police Federation.

She was forced to leave the conference hall

through the delivery entrance at the back,

otherwise known as the "Pleb Gate".

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.

Berlusconi appeared on Newsnight.

And Jeremy Paxman asked him a series of quite rude questions.

This, weirdly, all took place at the Chelsea Flower Show.

In the Bunga Bunga Garden.

LAUGHTER

You can tell his hair's been sprayed for greenfly, anyway, looking at it.

So, yes, this is Jeremy Paxman's rather fruity interview

with Silvio Berlusconi.

Let's take a little look.

Do you have a particular problem with Angela Merkel?

Is it true you called her an unfuckable lard arse?

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

No, I have never had any problems with Angela Merkel.

In 20 years of politics, I have never insulted anyone.

LAUGHTER

Is that really what he said?

Cos, judging by his hands there, I think he was going,

"Yes, I love it, it's a big lard arse!

"If anything, it is the most fuckable thing ever!

"Oo-er!"

And the translator's going, "No, I never did that.

"Um, I've never insulted her."

And he's loving it!

He's squeezing all the time!

Look at him there! Look at him!

LAUGHTER

Jeremy Paxman does have the air of a man who's not

staying around for much longer, is he?

In the programme, I meant.

-It's a bit demob happy, isn't it?

-Yes.

"Last day, I'd say anything. I know, I'll say..."

LAUGHTER

Go on!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-No! No!

-No!

-No!

It'd be like finding out that entertainers from

your childhood were sort of...no, no, forget it.

APPLAUSE

So, we saw Berlusconi there claim that he's never insulted anybody

in his 20 political years. Um, does anyone believe that?

No, it's a complete lie!

Let's just look at the insult he threw at Obama. He said...

GASPING

He insulted gay people. He said...

And he insulted all Italians. He said...

LAUGHTER

You know what his next job is?

He's standing for UKIP!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know if you noticed this week, but Jeremy Paxman

thanked his production team for his leaving gift.

It was a lifelike ventriloquist's dummy.

LAUGHTER

It's time now for Missing Words Round,

which, this week, features as its guest publication,

The British Sundial Society Bulletin.

And we start with...

-Worst seaside resort.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It's conscience.

LAUGHTER

The answer is...

LAUGHTER

This is according to Miley Cyrus. Next...

Offered to dress up as a bull

and fight a matador.

Or a part in The Archers.

He's got a new song, "Heaven Knows I Miss Arable Farming Now."

LAUGHTER

That was a really good joke.

-Hmm.

-Never mind.

LAUGHTER

-"This Farming Man."

-"This Farming Man."

-There you go.

"Girlfriend In Kramer."

LAUGHTER

These are bloody good jokes.

LAUGHTER

But not in this lifetime!

You said the answer, which was...

Hmm. I wonder if that could lead

to some Morrissey punned farming jokes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's been announced this week that Morrissey has been invited to

join the cast of The Archers.

Not much is known about the character,

but he will come from the nearby village of Umbrage.

-LAUGHTER

-And finally...

As you might expect.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hang on! 250-mile round trip.

Is this some sort of Proclaimers 500 miles?

-Yes.

-Is it?

-Oh, Proclaimer puns!

Here we go! It's on!

# And I would milk 500 cows... #

LAUGHTER

# You would walk 500... # Oh, you like that one!

-You like that! At last!

-APPLAUSE

# In my field I've grown some

# Lettuce from America! #

Shut your face! Shut your faces!

The answer is...

LAUGHTER

-Now, here is the pedestal without the sundial.

-Yeah.

Although, an expert would still be able to tell what the time is.

LAUGHTER

So, the final scores are...

-Ooh! Paul and John have got four.

-Yay!

Ian and Ross have got nine.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

But, before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.

Apparently, house prices are going up.

LAUGHTER

Or could be mouse prices!

Eh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's reading a tiny copy of the Daily Mail and it says,

"Loads of Brown Rats Are Coming!"

LAUGHTER

Oh, no! He's got a Welsh paper, a Swansea Chronicle.

He's missing his wife called Mabel, put the thing in the paper,

"Have you seen this woman?

"Heavens knows I'm missing Mabel now!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that, after Nick Clegg asks for

his document on new coalition policy ideas back

so he can made a few more additions,

David Cameron sends a researcher

to fetch them from the filing system.

LAUGHTER

A parent at a Pyongyang nursery school looks on powerless

as his son blurts out,

"Daddy calls you the fat man"

LAUGHTER

And at a polling station in Bromley,

an unexpected turnout prevents Nigel Farage

from casting his vote.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

APPLAUSE