Episode 9 Have I Got News for You


Episode 9

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Transcript


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THEME MUSIC PLAYS

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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.

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Welcome to have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

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as UKIP's new MPs arrive at the European Parliament,

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suspicions are aroused over the party's claims of ethnic diversity.

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After an invitation to appear on BBC News

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to discuss the European election,

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Norman Tebbit is driven to the studios.

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And in Westminster, Boris Johnson is asked, if he became

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Prime Minister, would he press the nuclear button?

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No. I don't know. No! It's a matter of sublime... I mean, yes!

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I mean, no! Possibly.

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Who cares? It's very important. It's very important. Watch this space.

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I don't know.

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On Ian's team tonight is an actor in the BAFTA-winning sitcom

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Him Her, in which he plays the part of Dan -

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lovable, socially awkward, a bit of a loser.

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He also does stand-up. Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who, after winning this

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year's European poker tour, used Twitter to say,

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"I won, I bloody won."

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The very same message Ian put out after winning THIS series -

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only he used a carrier pigeon.

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Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Paul and Victoria, take a look at this. Yes.

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Ah, yes there's been an election and the man with the...

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It's always full that pint, it's never half full.

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Is it still being supplied up his arm?

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Um, and there are people congratulating him

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on not finishing the pint.

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And there's somebody... Go on, get stuck in 'ere.

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Um, yes, so those are the losers, I think.

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Those are the people who wish

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they weren't standing in the gymnasium with no votes.

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And this is a re-enactment of the Kennedy assassination.

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Oh, no, it isn't.

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I'm hoping it isn't a question very specifically about the results

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cos I didn't really look at the results.

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I voted. Yes.

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But then I thought it was a bit like when I bought

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a DVD of the Hurt Locker.

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I thought, "I've done my bit, I don't actually have to watch it." No.

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It was the best result for someone

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who is not the main party for 100 years.

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And the annoying thing is,

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Farage says, "I'm going to do this," and he did it, you know?

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And in our political life, saying you're going to do something

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and then doing it is REALLY annoying.

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UKIP foxes in the Westminster henhouse. It is. Yes.

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The Sun very helpfully showed us what he'd look like as a fox.

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Oh, did it?

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It's also not true because they're not in the Westminster henhouse

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because he hasn't got any MPs.

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That sounds very grudging.

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And it's not just because, you know, you look at the effect that

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having a go at him on this programme produced.

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When the results came in, he said it was his dream come true, wasn't it?

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I don't know. I'd quite like my dream to come true

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because I once dreamt I'd run him over with a plough.

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I was gutted when I woke up in the morning.

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To be fair, though, whatever we all say about Nigel Farage,

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he is always drunk.

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So it's possible he doesn't know he's leading a political party.

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He is on a massive international pub crawl.

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People basically voted for him because they thought,

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"He drinks in the daytime too."

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Yes, his influence has been particularly strong in Essex,

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a tradition of a Tory heartland. And Epping Forest as well.

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There's a tree here we have that looks very like Nigel Farage.

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The political classes are being accused of failing to understand

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the people who vote UKIP,

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so I think let's just have a look for ourselves. Yeah.

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Really we want to get out of the EEC and fight for our own

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and be a better Great Britain again.

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Like before it was, before it was, before it was everything else,

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Great Britain was all over the world then.

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I tell you, Bruce Willis has let himself go, hasn't he?

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LAUGHTER

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And what did the BNP's Nick Griffin, who lost his MEP seat,

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what did he have to say?

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Nick Griffin said they were racist.

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Which is...

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It's like when Karl Lagerfeld said that Adele was ugly,

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when he looks like he's been doodled by a lunatic.

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It was the most encouraging thing about the election.

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I mean it's the biggest swing to the far right Europe's ever known

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and in this country, the BNP lose their ONE seat!

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You know, we've got far-right lite.

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It's sort of golf-club right we've got.

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We haven't got Front National jackboot.

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Even one of the German leaders said, "They're fascists," you know?

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And they have got a good record of spotting them.

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Nick Griffin said...

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Oh. ..and explained their drop in support by saying...

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The Conservatives are very upbeat and gung ho. Why is that?

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They don't understand the situation.

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Normally, if you're the party in power,

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you get wiped out during these elections.

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They didn't do that badly. I mean, none of the main parties. They lost.

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It's a very boring analysis. You can tell I was up all night.

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It was fabulous. It was like the FA Cup final for some reason.

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Some Tories have absolutely no hope of winning back

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the voters of a place like Essex,

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including the Tory MP for Thurrock.

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Jackie Doyle-Price said...

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Here is the Sky News reporter Jon Craig

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trying to describe what David Cameron's next move is.

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David Cameron will travel to Brussels later today for a meeting with

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Europe's leaders that was always scheduled for immediately

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after the European elections but now has assumed...

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BIG BEN CHIMES Oh, fuckin' hell...

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We do apologise for that. That was not really according,

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and our apologies from Sky News.

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He's been caught out. He's pretending it's live. Yes.

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How long's that clock been there?

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I love the way he's so calm.

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I thought that was the report of what the European leaders had said.

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Yes, these are the big winners in the EU elections.

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The UKIP leader's wife gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse of life

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chez Farage, as he never calls it, telling the Daily Telegraph...

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Ah, yes, the '70s.

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They don't make them like that any more cos they're not allowed to.

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Politicians turn to meat-based imagery to win over voters.

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Italy's Beppe Grillo said...

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Farage said...

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While Ed Miliband has promised never again to eat another bacon sandwich.

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LAUGHTER

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Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

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Lovely day out. Oh, this is him weeping.

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He's looking very red-eyed. People think he was crying.

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Um, that's Lord Oakeshott trying to get rid of Clegg as leader.

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And that's Cable running away from the responsibility.

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This is the fallout.

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The Liberals had a very bad night.

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Hmm. As soon as the elections were up, without saying

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what's going to happen, they said,

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"You're going to resign, Clegg. You're going to resign.

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"Do you want to resign now? Go on, cry. Go on, cry.

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"How are you feeling? Resign. Cry."

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And then...

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Look, I'm a journalist. I know how it's done. Yes!

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The headline on the BBC website was

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"Clegg, exhausted, red-eyed and pale."

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Which I thought was quite good because

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women MPs get so ripped apart

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for what they look like and their shoes and so on.

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At least it's happening to the men as well.

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"Exhausted, red-eyed and pale. And is that cellulite I spot?"

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I thought, "The boot's on the other foot."

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There was a Lib Dem coup to try and get rid of Clegg,

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which failed utterly and was ridiculous...

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cos the Lib Dems were doing it.

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They can't even do a coup.

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That bloke Lord Oakeshott conducted a poll saying,

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"Would it be better if we didn't have Clegg as the leader?"

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And then he said Cable knew about this

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because the alternative leader is Cable.

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Vince Cable said, "I didn't know about it."

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And then Oakeshott said, "Yes, you did."

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He was asked whether he would like to be the new leader and he went,

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"No, I definitely don't." But I'm pretty sure afterwards

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he winked.

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Sh! The poll was then leaked anonymously to The Guardian

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who only said it had been commissioned by a Lib Dem supporter.

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The company that carried out the poll, ICM, would only say that...

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Vince Cable gave a bit more of a hint, saying...

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A senior Lib Dem was quoted as saying...

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Lord Oakeshott's manoeuvrings

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have been described in the press as a putsch.

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What's a putsch?

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JOE: A spelling mistake.

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A putsch is where you topple someone. Exactly.

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I don't know why they use a German word. There's an English word -

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coup d'etat.

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Oakeshott took some other pot shots. He said that...

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And that the Lib Dems are a party...

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On the plus side, no little backstabby Lord Oakeshott.

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If Clegg is to go, who are the frontrunners to succeed?

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Chris Huhne is apparently up for it.

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Chris Huhne was Matthew Oakeshott's choice.

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Oakeshott funded Chris Huhne and wanted him to be leader.

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Charles Kennedy. Is he going to come back?

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That'd be nice. Wouldn't it be nice?

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If all it requires is to go down the pub, then...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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Let's finish the round. UKIP have proved they are a serious party,

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running for serious power.

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Here is Labour MEP Catherine Stihler waiting for the result

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in Edinburgh, along with the ultimately successful

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UKIP MEP, David Coburn.

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Good luck with that, Edinburgh.

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This is the Lib Dems' disastrous election result

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and here's Nick Clegg after the elections at a youth club

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in Westminster.

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There we go - sinking the yellows.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The Green Party complained that in spite of getting

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more votes than the Lib Dems, the BBC was completely ignoring them.

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Anyway, here's another picture of Nigel Farage with a pint.

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And so to round two, The Picture Pull-Out Quiz.

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Much the same as The Picture Spin Quiz

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but we've dispensed with that expensive spinner.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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BUZZER

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Yes. Luis Suarez has got a knee injury.

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There's a World Cup coming up soon.

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He's playing for Uruguay against England.

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He's had a successful knee operation.

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Luis has apparently texted all of England's players to say that

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he will be ready and fit in time. Yes. I'm not a doctor

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but if he doesn't want a knee injury, maybe he should stop running about

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and kicking things.

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What did The Sun do to help make Luis feel a bit better?

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Did they make his knee look like a fox?

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They've got this special fox applicator now -

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they feel they should use it every week.

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They sent him a "get well slowly" card.

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It's a sad state of affairs where

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we're hoping that the other players get hurt.

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It's not a good strategy.

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I honestly don't think we're going to win the World Cup.

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Ooh! Shut up!

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Let's go out in a blaze of glory.

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Let's not take our best players. Let's take our worst players.

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Let's take 11 pensioners.

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Let's take the 1966 World Cup team.

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The best chance we've got is if

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they don't complete the stadiums in time.

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They'll just have to call it a draw.

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On the subject of football, what is this?

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Stephen Hawking's formula for how England will win the World Cup.

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That's it!

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Here he is. There we are.

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I think he's losing his touch, if I'm honest.

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It's been put together by Paddy Power, an Irish bookmaker's,

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as a publicity stunt in the hope that

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news media will pick up on it.

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Hawking summed up our chances by saying...

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He obviously wasn't at Wayne Rooney's last birthday party.

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Who surprised everyone by kicking a football this week?

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Alex Salmond. Exactly.

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Heading a ball.

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Trying to appeal to ex-SNP voters, who'd gone over to UKIP.

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What is the big football news from Scotland?

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Oh, come on!

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They drew with Nigeria.

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That's the big news. This is the big news.

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It's being investigated by police over claims

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it had been targeted by match fixers.

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Would you like to see the Nigerian goalkeeper not saving a goal?

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I'd love to see it.

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At that speed...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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I saw 20 quid sticking out of his glove.

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Afterwards he said, "Whoopsie, what am I like?"

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That's amazing.

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Do you not get arrested for that?

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I thought you were. No, we're not.

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Don't bring us into it. No, look at this.

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Nothing untoward.

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That's fine.

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Alarm bells started ringing when someone bet 50p on Scotland.

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The goal was disallowed.

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And he's their coach - he should know.

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He had 50 grand on a draw. He had 50 grand on a draw.

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The Sun delivered a "get well slowly" card to Suarez

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to the Uruguayan embassy.

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BUZZER

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This is the Home Alone guy,

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Macaulay Culkin, who's set up a band

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who are a sort of parody of The Velvet Underground,

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but the parodies involve pizzas.

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Exactly right. They're called The Pizza Underground.

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So do we have some song titles with pizza puns in them? Yes.

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Well, that's not a pun.

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Where's "I'm Waiting For Deep Pan"?

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Well, they haven't even done "Sgt Pepperoni".

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.

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This is where you've got to ask, you groan at Sgt Pepperoni

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but not at I'm Beginning To Eat The Slice?

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They played in Nottingham where an angry music fan,

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Patrick Mendes, told Culkin...

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And then they went to Manchester.

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Macaulay Culkin stormed off stage

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after a fan interrupted his kazoo solo.

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In other pop news... Yes. What is going on here?

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Geoffrey Boycott and who is that?

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JOE: Katy Perry. It is Katy Perry. Oh, I knew that.

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Geoffrey Boycott got to meet his favourite pop star, Katy Perry.

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Bit of a slapper meeting the charming Katy Perry.

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Here he is on Test Match Special.

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BOYCOTT: 'I'm a good fan of pop music.

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'I like that Katy Perry.

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'She's a good singer. Firework - that was a good record, that.

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'She just has something about her voice.

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'Her voice is good, it's clear, it's strong.'

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'Well, that's wonderful, I'm pleased...'

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'I don't think I'll ever meet her, Henry. She's American.'

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Also in our pop round-up, Ian, what have 1D been up to? 1D?

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Who are 1D? One Direction. A penny in old currency, my lord.

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According to Smash Hits, they've, um...

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..they've been smoking marijuana -

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and I, for one, will not be buying their calendars any more.

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They also, er, filmed themselves smoking it.

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Now, I'm old-fashioned, I know, but if you're going to smoke marijuana,

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don't film it cos you may get caught.

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It's the same reason I don't film myself stealing from petty cash.

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Two members of One Direction, Tomlinson and Malik,

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are alleged to be smoking a spliff in this video shot in Peru.

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If you're in Peru, I think it is obligatory to smoke a joint in a car.

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It's in the driving test.

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The Mail Online reported instances

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of the band's huge global fan base...

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Using them as a roach, I should think.

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Fingers on buzzers.

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BUZZER

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Yes, Paul and Victoria. Laugh... Laugh Out Loud, or whatever it is.

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25 years old as an abbreviation, as an acronym, whatever it is, LOL.

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Has it always been Lots Of Love? No? Laugh Out Loud.

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Laugh Out Loud. Right.

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You might have two rethink some of those tweets.

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I don't like... I don't like the shortening of all this.

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I don't do it, I've kind of got to a point

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where I sort of do a protest against it

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where, when I send a text message, I do it like a formal letter.

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I put my full postal address at the top.

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Then their address. Then I put the date. Dear Sir or Madam...

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Further to your tweet of the 3rd... That's right.

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That sounds terrific. Do you want to send me one? I can't. It takes ages.

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Meanwhile, this week, Google dramatically changed their logo.

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Oh, God! Have you seen this?

0:19:100:19:11

And I've just had 5,000 T-shirts printed. Here's the dusty old logo.

0:19:140:19:18

Watch, cos here is the new one. Yeah.

0:19:180:19:21

Hey, there you go.

0:19:210:19:22

Did I blink and miss it? Do you see what they've done? No.

0:19:230:19:26

They've moved the second G one pixel to the right

0:19:260:19:28

and taken the L one pixel down and one to the right.

0:19:280:19:31

So...there we go. Does that help them avoid tax?

0:19:310:19:33

They could certainly offset it.

0:19:350:19:36

Yes, this is the news that the acronym LOL is 25 years old.

0:19:400:19:44

Another widely used online phrase is Rolling On Floor Laughing,

0:19:440:19:47

shortened to ROFL, but nowadays if you sign off your message

0:19:470:19:50

with that, you really have got to get the spelling right.

0:19:500:19:54

And now onto the odd-one-out round.

0:19:570:19:59

Ian and Joe, your four are Kim Kardashian,

0:19:590:20:02

the Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand,

0:20:020:20:04

the owner of Fenton

0:20:040:20:05

and Jeremy Clarkson.

0:20:050:20:07

Fenton was the dog whose owner was on video

0:20:070:20:10

when he was chasing the deer.

0:20:100:20:12

Jeremy Clarkson's been in trouble, he's been in trouble a lot,

0:20:120:20:15

but the racist incident before the last one...

0:20:150:20:17

Is this slope or eeny meeny?

0:20:190:20:20

Oh, no, no, sorry, before the last one before the last one,

0:20:200:20:23

so, yes, we're going about four racist incidents before that.

0:20:230:20:26

The Mexicans. Come forward from the Mexicans.

0:20:260:20:28

Whoa! Too far, too far, back it up now.

0:20:300:20:33

Oh, he called his dog after a footballer.

0:20:330:20:35

Didier Drogba. But he called it? Didier Dogba. Yes.

0:20:350:20:39

All of them have dogs. Except for one of them.

0:20:390:20:42

Except for the Thailand people.

0:20:440:20:46

Weren't the Thai people in a sex scandal?

0:20:460:20:49

There was a video made.

0:20:490:20:50

If there was a dog in that video, I really don't want to see a clip.

0:20:500:20:53

They had a birthday party for... A dog! The dog's birthday party.

0:20:530:20:58

Yes, meanwhile, what's going on in...

0:20:580:21:00

Meanwhile, on the other side of Europe,

0:21:020:21:04

a man in a hut in Sweden is inventing dynamite. Erm...

0:21:040:21:07

Embarrassing incidents to do with their dogs.

0:21:070:21:10

Except for Kim Kardashian.

0:21:100:21:11

Except for Kim Kardashian. JOE: Because her wedding...

0:21:110:21:14

No, the dog was a bridesmaid. The dog was the vicar.

0:21:140:21:17

They were married by a dog, and Labrador,

0:21:170:21:20

"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"

0:21:200:21:22

That's, "I pronounce you man and wife." I'm going with that.

0:21:220:21:26

There was a dog festival or something. A dog marathon.

0:21:260:21:28

And they had to pause the wedding.

0:21:280:21:30

They had to block the road outside the villa

0:21:300:21:33

where Kim was having her wedding so the wedding party had to dash

0:21:330:21:36

to their cars before the road got closed.

0:21:360:21:38

Have you ever been involved in any car dash, Ian?

0:21:380:21:40

GROANING

0:21:400:21:42

VICTORIA: I think that's good, I think that's good.

0:21:440:21:46

Car dash, Ian?

0:21:480:21:50

So they're the odd ones out. Who are? Oh, the, the...

0:21:500:21:53

Kim Kardashian is the odd one out,

0:21:540:21:56

because they have all got into trouble over their dog,

0:21:560:21:59

apart from Kim Kardashian who had trouble getting to her wedding

0:21:590:22:02

after a road was shut due to a dog marathon.

0:22:020:22:04

Kim Kardashian invited Justin Bieber to the wedding,

0:22:040:22:07

so even after the bride and groom had left,

0:22:070:22:09

there was still a massive arse to stare at.

0:22:090:22:11

Jeremy Clarkson was recently accused of racism

0:22:150:22:17

for naming his black West Highland terrier "Didier Dogba".

0:22:170:22:20

There was more canine-based racial tension

0:22:200:22:22

when in a park near Chelsea

0:22:220:22:23

Didier Dogba bumped into John Terrier.

0:22:230:22:25

The Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand

0:22:270:22:29

threw an extravagant birthday party for their pet poodle Foo Foo,

0:22:290:22:32

which, according to a former US ambassador,

0:22:320:22:34

holds the rank of air chief marshal.

0:22:340:22:36

Of course that wouldn't happen over here,

0:22:360:22:38

as the highest rank a poodle can achieve is Deputy Prime Minister.

0:22:380:22:41

If you're going to have a dog, it should be a decent size. Yeah.

0:22:430:22:45

When Paris Hilton is clambering out of a limousine,

0:22:450:22:47

I don't want to see her Chihuahua.

0:22:470:22:50

Paul and Victoria, here are yours.

0:22:520:22:54

The Colosseum... Yes.

0:22:540:22:56

..sheep in Northern Ireland... Yeah.

0:22:560:22:57

..dog poo in Swansea...

0:22:570:22:59

and a South Korean parking space.

0:22:590:23:01

I know about that, cos I heard about that on the radio.

0:23:010:23:03

They're having special parking spaces for women...

0:23:030:23:06

which are going to be bigger than normal parking spaces.

0:23:060:23:09

So, what happens if you park in the wrong sexual space?

0:23:090:23:13

I don't know.

0:23:130:23:14

If you haven't found out by now... Well...

0:23:150:23:18

They're also going to be painted...

0:23:180:23:20

Pink? Pink.

0:23:200:23:21

Painted pink? They are. Yes.

0:23:210:23:23

Like....a sheep.

0:23:230:23:25

In Northern Ireland. Yes.

0:23:250:23:27

And the Colosseum, which is now pink.

0:23:270:23:30

Is it? No. No...

0:23:320:23:33

Why might sheep... I know Italy's lax about ruins, but you know...

0:23:350:23:38

If that picture of a dog was put up by the Swansea Tourist Board,

0:23:380:23:42

then they really misjudged it. No. OK, now, OK...

0:23:420:23:45

Ah, is this the dog that excretes autumn leaves?

0:23:450:23:47

When dogs leave something on the pavement,

0:23:500:23:52

they're going to spray it pink.

0:23:520:23:54

Yes. Really? That's exactly right. Really?

0:23:540:23:56

In order to highlight the problem of dog do...

0:23:560:23:58

Won't that attract female drivers?

0:23:580:24:00

"It's pink!" Only Koreans.

0:24:020:24:03

"It's pink!"

0:24:030:24:05

APPLAUSE

0:24:050:24:07

But, in Swansea, this is to highlight the problem

0:24:070:24:10

of dogs fouling the pavement,

0:24:100:24:15

have taken this one step further.

0:24:150:24:19

with the words "dog poo" on them, to help people to avoid them.

0:24:190:24:23

Which is nice.

0:24:230:24:24

JOE: I think it's time to get another hobby.

0:24:240:24:27

This might be in the advice of a court.

0:24:290:24:33

So, the sheep must have been painted pink as well, then.

0:24:330:24:36

Do you know why?

0:24:360:24:37

Yes. Because they love it.

0:24:370:24:38

It's their favourite colour. Look at him, he's happy, that one.

0:24:380:24:43

the others are dyed pink, and it's natural colour IS pink.

0:24:430:24:52

which is undergoing a massive clean-up operation,

0:24:520:24:54

which will reveal the original stone had a natural pink hue.

0:24:540:25:10

which this week features as its guest publication Pain News.

0:25:140:25:17

An annual subscription to Pain News can cost ?250.

0:25:170:25:22

And we start with...

0:25:220:25:24

It can, it's true.

0:25:310:25:31

Next...

0:25:350:25:36

JOE: Points out how pointless her stupid effing job is.

0:25:390:25:46

Apparently the estate agent called the woman "rude" and...

0:25:520:25:55

..before writing, "Do you want a job?"

0:25:580:26:00

APPLAUSE

0:26:020:26:03

Next...

0:26:050:26:06

DRAWLS: "Hello...

0:26:090:26:10

"Put these on."

0:26:120:26:14

VICTORIA: Cirencester Agricultural College. Yes.

0:26:140:26:17

A spokesman explained the university's thinking...

0:26:230:26:30

Said Mr Bottom-Spanki.

0:26:310:26:32

Next...

0:26:350:26:36

Household pets.

0:26:410:26:42

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:26:420:26:45

Is it Wayne Rooney?

0:26:450:26:47

APPLAUSE

0:26:490:26:50

Well, that tells you something about the British.

0:26:510:26:53

You boo the idea that pets might be involved,

0:26:530:26:55

but Wayne Rooney gets a round of applause!

0:26:550:26:58

I don't even know who he is. No.

0:26:580:27:00

Top Gear.

0:27:010:27:02

The answer is...

0:27:020:27:03

LAUGHTER

0:27:030:27:05

The answer is...

0:27:080:27:10

Oh.

0:27:100:27:11

And finally...

0:27:110:27:12

Gibraltar!

0:27:160:27:17

This is from an editorial from the newly-appointed editor

0:27:230:27:26

who drones on about thanking his wife

0:27:260:27:28

for letting him accept the challenge, adding...

0:27:280:27:30

Though having read his entire editorial,

0:27:340:27:36

I would suggest that "happy wife" is having an affair.

0:27:360:27:39

They're watching this programme! Yeah!

0:27:430:27:45

Well, one of them is. The other one's pretending to be at work.

0:27:450:27:48

So, the final scores at the end of that round

0:27:480:27:51

are Ian and Joe two, Paul and Victoria seven.

0:27:510:27:54

APPLAUSE

0:27:540:27:57

They recognised the European election, and that was it.

0:27:570:27:59

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

0:28:010:28:03

Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson,

0:28:030:28:04

Paul Merton and Victoria Coren Mitchell,

0:28:040:28:06

and I leave you with the news that in Hampshire

0:28:060:28:09

a vet manages to relieve Daisy the cow

0:28:090:28:11

after three days of gastric bloat.

0:28:110:28:14

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:28:140:28:16

There are concerns that Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude

0:28:160:28:18

may be suffering from water retention.

0:28:180:28:21

And onlookers show their concern

0:28:230:28:25

as Nigel Farage is trapped high up in a burning hotel building.

0:28:250:28:29

Good night.

0:28:330:28:34

# I think I saw you... #

0:29:130:29:17

MUSIC: "A Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

0:29:190:29:23

Watch highlights from Radio 1's Big Weekend.

0:29:270:29:29

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