Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.

Welcome to have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

as UKIP's new MPs arrive at the European Parliament,

suspicions are aroused over the party's claims of ethnic diversity.

After an invitation to appear on BBC News

to discuss the European election,

Norman Tebbit is driven to the studios.

And in Westminster, Boris Johnson is asked, if he became

Prime Minister, would he press the nuclear button?

No. I don't know. No! It's a matter of sublime... I mean, yes!

I mean, no! Possibly.

Who cares? It's very important. It's very important. Watch this space.

I don't know.

On Ian's team tonight is an actor in the BAFTA-winning sitcom

Him Her, in which he plays the part of Dan -

lovable, socially awkward, a bit of a loser.

He also does stand-up. Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who, after winning this

year's European poker tour, used Twitter to say,

"I won, I bloody won."

The very same message Ian put out after winning THIS series -

only he used a carrier pigeon.

Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Victoria, take a look at this. Yes.

Ah, yes there's been an election and the man with the...

It's always full that pint, it's never half full.

Is it still being supplied up his arm?

Um, and there are people congratulating him

on not finishing the pint.

And there's somebody... Go on, get stuck in 'ere.

Um, yes, so those are the losers, I think.

Those are the people who wish

they weren't standing in the gymnasium with no votes.

And this is a re-enactment of the Kennedy assassination.

Oh, no, it isn't.

I'm hoping it isn't a question very specifically about the results

cos I didn't really look at the results.

I voted. Yes.

But then I thought it was a bit like when I bought

a DVD of the Hurt Locker.

I thought, "I've done my bit, I don't actually have to watch it." No.

It was the best result for someone

who is not the main party for 100 years.

And the annoying thing is,

Farage says, "I'm going to do this," and he did it, you know?

And in our political life, saying you're going to do something

and then doing it is REALLY annoying.

UKIP foxes in the Westminster henhouse. It is. Yes.

The Sun very helpfully showed us what he'd look like as a fox.

Oh, did it?

It's also not true because they're not in the Westminster henhouse

because he hasn't got any MPs.

That sounds very grudging.

And it's not just because, you know, you look at the effect that

having a go at him on this programme produced.

When the results came in, he said it was his dream come true, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'd quite like my dream to come true

because I once dreamt I'd run him over with a plough.

I was gutted when I woke up in the morning.

To be fair, though, whatever we all say about Nigel Farage,

he is always drunk.

So it's possible he doesn't know he's leading a political party.

He is on a massive international pub crawl.

People basically voted for him because they thought,

"He drinks in the daytime too."

Yes, his influence has been particularly strong in Essex,

a tradition of a Tory heartland. And Epping Forest as well.

There's a tree here we have that looks very like Nigel Farage.

The political classes are being accused of failing to understand

the people who vote UKIP,

so I think let's just have a look for ourselves. Yeah.

Really we want to get out of the EEC and fight for our own

and be a better Great Britain again.

Like before it was, before it was, before it was everything else,

Great Britain was all over the world then.

I tell you, Bruce Willis has let himself go, hasn't he?

LAUGHTER

And what did the BNP's Nick Griffin, who lost his MEP seat,

what did he have to say?

Nick Griffin said they were racist.

Which is...

It's like when Karl Lagerfeld said that Adele was ugly,

when he looks like he's been doodled by a lunatic.

It was the most encouraging thing about the election.

I mean it's the biggest swing to the far right Europe's ever known

and in this country, the BNP lose their ONE seat!

You know, we've got far-right lite.

It's sort of golf-club right we've got.

We haven't got Front National jackboot.

Even one of the German leaders said, "They're fascists," you know?

And they have got a good record of spotting them.

Nick Griffin said...

Oh. ..and explained their drop in support by saying...

The Conservatives are very upbeat and gung ho. Why is that?

They don't understand the situation.

Normally, if you're the party in power,

you get wiped out during these elections.

They didn't do that badly. I mean, none of the main parties. They lost.

It's a very boring analysis. You can tell I was up all night.

It was fabulous. It was like the FA Cup final for some reason.

Some Tories have absolutely no hope of winning back

the voters of a place like Essex,

including the Tory MP for Thurrock.

Jackie Doyle-Price said...

Here is the Sky News reporter Jon Craig

trying to describe what David Cameron's next move is.

David Cameron will travel to Brussels later today for a meeting with

Europe's leaders that was always scheduled for immediately

after the European elections but now has assumed...

BIG BEN CHIMES Oh, fuckin' hell...

We do apologise for that. That was not really according,

and our apologies from Sky News.

He's been caught out. He's pretending it's live. Yes.

How long's that clock been there?

I love the way he's so calm.

I thought that was the report of what the European leaders had said.

Yes, these are the big winners in the EU elections.

The UKIP leader's wife gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse of life

chez Farage, as he never calls it, telling the Daily Telegraph...

Ah, yes, the '70s.

They don't make them like that any more cos they're not allowed to.

Politicians turn to meat-based imagery to win over voters.

Italy's Beppe Grillo said...

Farage said...

While Ed Miliband has promised never again to eat another bacon sandwich.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

Lovely day out. Oh, this is him weeping.

He's looking very red-eyed. People think he was crying.

Um, that's Lord Oakeshott trying to get rid of Clegg as leader.

And that's Cable running away from the responsibility.

This is the fallout.

The Liberals had a very bad night.

Hmm. As soon as the elections were up, without saying

what's going to happen, they said,

"You're going to resign, Clegg. You're going to resign.

"Do you want to resign now? Go on, cry. Go on, cry.

"How are you feeling? Resign. Cry."

And then...

Look, I'm a journalist. I know how it's done. Yes!

The headline on the BBC website was

"Clegg, exhausted, red-eyed and pale."

Which I thought was quite good because

women MPs get so ripped apart

for what they look like and their shoes and so on.

At least it's happening to the men as well.

"Exhausted, red-eyed and pale. And is that cellulite I spot?"

I thought, "The boot's on the other foot."

There was a Lib Dem coup to try and get rid of Clegg,

which failed utterly and was ridiculous...

cos the Lib Dems were doing it.

They can't even do a coup.

That bloke Lord Oakeshott conducted a poll saying,

"Would it be better if we didn't have Clegg as the leader?"

And then he said Cable knew about this

because the alternative leader is Cable.

Vince Cable said, "I didn't know about it."

And then Oakeshott said, "Yes, you did."

He was asked whether he would like to be the new leader and he went,

"No, I definitely don't." But I'm pretty sure afterwards

he winked.

Sh! The poll was then leaked anonymously to The Guardian

who only said it had been commissioned by a Lib Dem supporter.

The company that carried out the poll, ICM, would only say that...

Vince Cable gave a bit more of a hint, saying...

A senior Lib Dem was quoted as saying...

Lord Oakeshott's manoeuvrings

have been described in the press as a putsch.

What's a putsch?

JOE: A spelling mistake.

A putsch is where you topple someone. Exactly.

I don't know why they use a German word. There's an English word -

coup d'etat.

Oakeshott took some other pot shots. He said that...

And that the Lib Dems are a party...

On the plus side, no little backstabby Lord Oakeshott.

If Clegg is to go, who are the frontrunners to succeed?

Chris Huhne is apparently up for it.

Chris Huhne was Matthew Oakeshott's choice.

Oakeshott funded Chris Huhne and wanted him to be leader.

Charles Kennedy. Is he going to come back?

That'd be nice. Wouldn't it be nice?

If all it requires is to go down the pub, then...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Let's finish the round. UKIP have proved they are a serious party,

running for serious power.

Here is Labour MEP Catherine Stihler waiting for the result

in Edinburgh, along with the ultimately successful

UKIP MEP, David Coburn.

Good luck with that, Edinburgh.

This is the Lib Dems' disastrous election result

and here's Nick Clegg after the elections at a youth club

in Westminster.

There we go - sinking the yellows.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Green Party complained that in spite of getting

more votes than the Lib Dems, the BBC was completely ignoring them.

Anyway, here's another picture of Nigel Farage with a pint.

And so to round two, The Picture Pull-Out Quiz.

Much the same as The Picture Spin Quiz

but we've dispensed with that expensive spinner.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes. Luis Suarez has got a knee injury.

There's a World Cup coming up soon.

He's playing for Uruguay against England.

He's had a successful knee operation.

Luis has apparently texted all of England's players to say that

he will be ready and fit in time. Yes. I'm not a doctor

but if he doesn't want a knee injury, maybe he should stop running about

and kicking things.

What did The Sun do to help make Luis feel a bit better?

Did they make his knee look like a fox?

They've got this special fox applicator now -

they feel they should use it every week.

They sent him a "get well slowly" card.

It's a sad state of affairs where

we're hoping that the other players get hurt.

It's not a good strategy.

I honestly don't think we're going to win the World Cup.

Ooh! Shut up!

Let's go out in a blaze of glory.

Let's not take our best players. Let's take our worst players.

Let's take 11 pensioners.

Let's take the 1966 World Cup team.

The best chance we've got is if

they don't complete the stadiums in time.

They'll just have to call it a draw.

On the subject of football, what is this?

Stephen Hawking's formula for how England will win the World Cup.

That's it!

Here he is. There we are.

I think he's losing his touch, if I'm honest.

It's been put together by Paddy Power, an Irish bookmaker's,

as a publicity stunt in the hope that

news media will pick up on it.

Hawking summed up our chances by saying...

He obviously wasn't at Wayne Rooney's last birthday party.

Who surprised everyone by kicking a football this week?

Alex Salmond. Exactly.

Heading a ball.

Trying to appeal to ex-SNP voters, who'd gone over to UKIP.

What is the big football news from Scotland?

Oh, come on!

They drew with Nigeria.

That's the big news. This is the big news.

It's being investigated by police over claims

it had been targeted by match fixers.

Would you like to see the Nigerian goalkeeper not saving a goal?

I'd love to see it.

At that speed...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I saw 20 quid sticking out of his glove.

Afterwards he said, "Whoopsie, what am I like?"

That's amazing.

Do you not get arrested for that?

I thought you were. No, we're not.

Don't bring us into it. No, look at this.

Nothing untoward.

That's fine.

Alarm bells started ringing when someone bet 50p on Scotland.

The goal was disallowed.

And he's their coach - he should know.

He had 50 grand on a draw. He had 50 grand on a draw.

The Sun delivered a "get well slowly" card to Suarez

to the Uruguayan embassy.

BUZZER

This is the Home Alone guy,

Macaulay Culkin, who's set up a band

who are a sort of parody of The Velvet Underground,

but the parodies involve pizzas.

Exactly right. They're called The Pizza Underground.

So do we have some song titles with pizza puns in them? Yes.

Well, that's not a pun.

Where's "I'm Waiting For Deep Pan"?

Well, they haven't even done "Sgt Pepperoni".

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

This is where you've got to ask, you groan at Sgt Pepperoni

but not at I'm Beginning To Eat The Slice?

They played in Nottingham where an angry music fan,

Patrick Mendes, told Culkin...

And then they went to Manchester.

Macaulay Culkin stormed off stage

after a fan interrupted his kazoo solo.

In other pop news... Yes. What is going on here?

Geoffrey Boycott and who is that?

JOE: Katy Perry. It is Katy Perry. Oh, I knew that.

Geoffrey Boycott got to meet his favourite pop star, Katy Perry.

Bit of a slapper meeting the charming Katy Perry.

Here he is on Test Match Special.

BOYCOTT: 'I'm a good fan of pop music.

'I like that Katy Perry.

'She's a good singer. Firework - that was a good record, that.

'She just has something about her voice.

'Her voice is good, it's clear, it's strong.'

'Well, that's wonderful, I'm pleased...'

'I don't think I'll ever meet her, Henry. She's American.'

Also in our pop round-up, Ian, what have 1D been up to? 1D?

Who are 1D? One Direction. A penny in old currency, my lord.

According to Smash Hits, they've, um...

..they've been smoking marijuana -

and I, for one, will not be buying their calendars any more.

They also, er, filmed themselves smoking it.

Now, I'm old-fashioned, I know, but if you're going to smoke marijuana,

don't film it cos you may get caught.

It's the same reason I don't film myself stealing from petty cash.

Two members of One Direction, Tomlinson and Malik,

are alleged to be smoking a spliff in this video shot in Peru.

If you're in Peru, I think it is obligatory to smoke a joint in a car.

It's in the driving test.

The Mail Online reported instances

of the band's huge global fan base...

Using them as a roach, I should think.

Fingers on buzzers.

BUZZER

Yes, Paul and Victoria. Laugh... Laugh Out Loud, or whatever it is.

25 years old as an abbreviation, as an acronym, whatever it is, LOL.

Has it always been Lots Of Love? No? Laugh Out Loud.

Laugh Out Loud. Right.

You might have two rethink some of those tweets.

I don't like... I don't like the shortening of all this.

I don't do it, I've kind of got to a point

where I sort of do a protest against it

where, when I send a text message, I do it like a formal letter.

I put my full postal address at the top.

Then their address. Then I put the date. Dear Sir or Madam...

Further to your tweet of the 3rd... That's right.

That sounds terrific. Do you want to send me one? I can't. It takes ages.

Meanwhile, this week, Google dramatically changed their logo.

Oh, God! Have you seen this?

And I've just had 5,000 T-shirts printed. Here's the dusty old logo.

Watch, cos here is the new one. Yeah.

Hey, there you go.

Did I blink and miss it? Do you see what they've done? No.

They've moved the second G one pixel to the right

and taken the L one pixel down and one to the right.

So...there we go. Does that help them avoid tax?

They could certainly offset it.

Yes, this is the news that the acronym LOL is 25 years old.

Another widely used online phrase is Rolling On Floor Laughing,

shortened to ROFL, but nowadays if you sign off your message

with that, you really have got to get the spelling right.

And now onto the odd-one-out round.

Ian and Joe, your four are Kim Kardashian,

the Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand,

the owner of Fenton

and Jeremy Clarkson.

Fenton was the dog whose owner was on video

when he was chasing the deer.

Jeremy Clarkson's been in trouble, he's been in trouble a lot,

but the racist incident before the last one...

Is this slope or eeny meeny?

Oh, no, no, sorry, before the last one before the last one,

so, yes, we're going about four racist incidents before that.

The Mexicans. Come forward from the Mexicans.

Whoa! Too far, too far, back it up now.

Oh, he called his dog after a footballer.

Didier Drogba. But he called it? Didier Dogba. Yes.

All of them have dogs. Except for one of them.

Except for the Thailand people.

Weren't the Thai people in a sex scandal?

There was a video made.

If there was a dog in that video, I really don't want to see a clip.

They had a birthday party for... A dog! The dog's birthday party.

Yes, meanwhile, what's going on in...

Meanwhile, on the other side of Europe,

a man in a hut in Sweden is inventing dynamite. Erm...

Embarrassing incidents to do with their dogs.

Except for Kim Kardashian.

Except for Kim Kardashian. JOE: Because her wedding...

No, the dog was a bridesmaid. The dog was the vicar.

They were married by a dog, and Labrador,

"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"

That's, "I pronounce you man and wife." I'm going with that.

There was a dog festival or something. A dog marathon.

And they had to pause the wedding.

They had to block the road outside the villa

where Kim was having her wedding so the wedding party had to dash

to their cars before the road got closed.

Have you ever been involved in any car dash, Ian?

GROANING

VICTORIA: I think that's good, I think that's good.

Car dash, Ian?

So they're the odd ones out. Who are? Oh, the, the...

Kim Kardashian is the odd one out,

because they have all got into trouble over their dog,

apart from Kim Kardashian who had trouble getting to her wedding

after a road was shut due to a dog marathon.

Kim Kardashian invited Justin Bieber to the wedding,

so even after the bride and groom had left,

there was still a massive arse to stare at.

Jeremy Clarkson was recently accused of racism

for naming his black West Highland terrier "Didier Dogba".

There was more canine-based racial tension

when in a park near Chelsea

Didier Dogba bumped into John Terrier.

The Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand

threw an extravagant birthday party for their pet poodle Foo Foo,

which, according to a former US ambassador,

holds the rank of air chief marshal.

Of course that wouldn't happen over here,

as the highest rank a poodle can achieve is Deputy Prime Minister.

If you're going to have a dog, it should be a decent size. Yeah.

When Paris Hilton is clambering out of a limousine,

I don't want to see her Chihuahua.

Paul and Victoria, here are yours.

The Colosseum... Yes.

..sheep in Northern Ireland... Yeah.

..dog poo in Swansea...

and a South Korean parking space.

I know about that, cos I heard about that on the radio.

They're having special parking spaces for women...

which are going to be bigger than normal parking spaces.

So, what happens if you park in the wrong sexual space?

I don't know.

If you haven't found out by now... Well...

They're also going to be painted...

Pink? Pink.

Painted pink? They are. Yes.

Like....a sheep.

In Northern Ireland. Yes.

And the Colosseum, which is now pink.

Is it? No. No...

Why might sheep... I know Italy's lax about ruins, but you know...

If that picture of a dog was put up by the Swansea Tourist Board,

then they really misjudged it. No. OK, now, OK...

Ah, is this the dog that excretes autumn leaves?

When dogs leave something on the pavement,

they're going to spray it pink.

Yes. Really? That's exactly right. Really?

In order to highlight the problem of dog do...

Won't that attract female drivers?

"It's pink!" Only Koreans.

"It's pink!"

APPLAUSE

But, in Swansea, this is to highlight the problem

of dogs fouling the pavement,

have taken this one step further.

with the words "dog poo" on them, to help people to avoid them.

Which is nice.

JOE: I think it's time to get another hobby.

This might be in the advice of a court.

So, the sheep must have been painted pink as well, then.

Do you know why?

Yes. Because they love it.

It's their favourite colour. Look at him, he's happy, that one.

the others are dyed pink, and it's natural colour IS pink.

which is undergoing a massive clean-up operation,

which will reveal the original stone had a natural pink hue.

which this week features as its guest publication Pain News.

An annual subscription to Pain News can cost ?250.

And we start with...

It can, it's true.

Next...

JOE: Points out how pointless her stupid effing job is.

Apparently the estate agent called the woman "rude" and...

..before writing, "Do you want a job?"

APPLAUSE

Next...

DRAWLS: "Hello...

"Put these on."

VICTORIA: Cirencester Agricultural College. Yes.

A spokesman explained the university's thinking...

Said Mr Bottom-Spanki.

Next...

Household pets.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Is it Wayne Rooney?

APPLAUSE

Well, that tells you something about the British.

You boo the idea that pets might be involved,

but Wayne Rooney gets a round of applause!

I don't even know who he is. No.

Top Gear.

The answer is...

LAUGHTER

The answer is...

Oh.

And finally...

Gibraltar!

This is from an editorial from the newly-appointed editor

who drones on about thanking his wife

for letting him accept the challenge, adding...

Though having read his entire editorial,

I would suggest that "happy wife" is having an affair.

They're watching this programme! Yeah!

Well, one of them is. The other one's pretending to be at work.

So, the final scores at the end of that round

are Ian and Joe two, Paul and Victoria seven.

APPLAUSE

They recognised the European election, and that was it.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson,

Paul Merton and Victoria Coren Mitchell,

and I leave you with the news that in Hampshire

a vet manages to relieve Daisy the cow

after three days of gastric bloat.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

There are concerns that Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude

may be suffering from water retention.

And onlookers show their concern

as Nigel Farage is trapped high up in a burning hotel building.

Good night.

# I think I saw you... #

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