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I actually once accosted you outside the Ritz when I was really drunk | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
and I said, "I love you." | 0:00:05 | 0:00:06 | |
It was about 1.30 in the morning | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
and you looked so frightened and ran away. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
-But, Ian, I really do. -Yeah! | 0:00:13 | 0:00:14 | |
And that's why I'm here tonight, so, um, just relax. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:18 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
In the news this week, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
Springwatch's Chris Packham regrets not being at home | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
when some extremely rare osprey eggs are delivered. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
In Hull, | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
the head chef of the Lucky House Crispy Duck takeaway is spotted. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
And in Westminster, | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Nick Robinson confronts the person who drew a penis on his notebook. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
On Ian's team tonight, a journalist who is descended from aristocracy. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
I'm not sure how posh she is, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
but her family home does have a gift shop and a maze. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
Please welcome Camilla Long. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
who is currently starring in a play at the National Theatre. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Actually, I'm in it as well, so technically he's not starring. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
Please welcome Miles Jupp. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
And we start with the bigger election stories of the week. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Ian and Camilla, take a look at this. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
-Um...yes. -Scotland? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
Kilts. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
That's supposedly the most dangerous woman in Britain, | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
the one on the right. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
"Stronger for Scotland", that's a new toilet paper. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
-Who's that? -Uh, John Major. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Oh, yes, I remember him. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
We're meant to be terrified. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
This is the Tory tactic | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
to make everyone very, very scared of the SNP. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Why? | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
This isn't explained. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:48 | |
Nicola Sturgeon gets lots of votes in Scotland, | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
so all the other parties go, "Oh, no! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
"What could we possibly do?" | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
You could argue. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:56 | |
Present some policies. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
-Try and win. -Help count the votes. -Yeah! | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
What did she say was the SNP's number one priority? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
It was to... | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
How appalling(!) | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Yeah. Well, it's nice of them to do that | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
before they piss off and leave the rest of us... | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
behind. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
She doesn't have a Westminster seat, does she? | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
No, she's leader of the party. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
So she'd be involved in negotiations, but she wouldn't have... | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
Yeah, by Skype, from Scotland. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
-Right. -Cos she's officially not allowed to leave, | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
cos that would be betrayal. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
But where did they launch their manifesto? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
The Isle of Skype. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
So she could be part of power, in the event... | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
I'm asking you this, Ian, because I suspect the rest of us don't know. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
I'm obviously part of the SNP's inner circle. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
The London agent. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
"Half past one outside the Ritz, nothing to report." | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
Of course, that won't work | 0:03:55 | 0:03:56 | |
unless we include the bit before the recording. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
What are their actual plans, do we know? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
It's to put forward a lot of promises which they haven't costed | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
and which will cost a great deal of money and everyone says, | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
"Where's that coming from?" and you say, "Shut up." | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
They've got a position on Trident as well, the SNP. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
I don't know what it is, but they've got one. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I think they want to sell it. Or not do it. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-Not have it? -Not sell it. They want to just... | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
You might as well sell it. Surely someone will buy it. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
What's the point in just throwing it away? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
-Yeah! -A lot of countries don't have nuclear weapons. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
That's the problem with politics today - no common sense. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Exactly. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
Did you see how The Sun portrayed Ed Miliband | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
and Nicola Sturgeon's plan to steal the election? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
There they are. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:38 | |
They're going to steal the election by lots of people voting for them. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
"Huh! Boo!" | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
There's also this, The Sun came up with. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Wasn't Miley Cyrus actually naked in the original video? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Have they put pants on her? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
I'm just pointing this out for detail. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
I don't know, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
but if anyone would be the expert on the Miley Cyrus video... | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-It would be Ian. -Ian. -Mmm. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
David Cameron's been warning this week about the "coalition of chaos," | 0:05:02 | 0:05:07 | |
a phrase I think he's coined himself. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
A bit harsh on Nick Clegg and himself! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
I think they've all been told to say the word "chaos" and keep saying it. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
-I think it's the watchword of the election. -Right. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Boris kept on saying it. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
MILES: It's a very mild word, "chaos". | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
As a sort of emotive word, | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
"chaos" is how people that make the mistake | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
of going to Ikea on a bank holiday... "Oh, it was chaos." | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Apparently, the Tory word, the positive word, is "confidence." | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
So somebody's thought is "confidence versus chaos." | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
And then Boris is both. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
-Yes! -So whatever you want, you get a bit of it. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
But Boris is the secret weapon. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
What's secret about Boris? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:43 | |
-To be fair. -Well, you'll have to ask the courts. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
So David Cameron's come up with the "coalition of chaos" - | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
what has John Major been calling the Lab-SNP danger? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
-IN MAJOR'S VOICE: -"He's still here." | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
I do all the MPs. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
-He... -LAUGHTER | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
He said... | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
He said a Labour-SNP alliance was "a recipe for mayhem." | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
It's not quite as good as "coalition of chaos", is it? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
-I came up with "potpourri of panic." -That's very good. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
"A bowl of bollocks." | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
That is an image that will stay with me for a very long time. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
What I liked about John Major | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
was that he seemed to say that everybody wanted package holidays. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
That was the benchmark of being happy. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
He hasn't been in politics since about 1996, to be fair. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
-Yep. -So, you know... -Does he now work for Thomas Cook? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
He hasn't been abroad much. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
Where does he do his arms dealing? From home? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
With the internet now, you probably could, couldn't you? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Ian, when you were watching This Morning | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
with Phillip Schofield on Wednesday... | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
-Oh, yes. -Yes... As I'm sure you did. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
-Did you hear David Cameron's little jibe at Alex Salmond? -I did! | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
-Yes. -There's a man on Good Morning who takes people's wallets | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
and the Prime Minister made a joke. He said, "That'll be Alex Salmond." | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
Let's hear him deliver that joke with aplomb. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
-Thank you very much indeed for your time. -Thanks. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
Up next, a man who can pinch your wallet, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
your watch and even your tie without you ever noticing. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
He's here after the break. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Who's that, Alex Salmond? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
It's quite a good joke. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
It's the only time in the campaign | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
I've seen Cameron come up with anything interesting. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
That rogue trader? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
-The "flash crash" trader? -Yes. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader facing extradition to America | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
He has this extraordinary lifestyle, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
which is so incredibly penny-pinching. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
He's worth something like 30 million or something, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
but he always wears a sort of tracksuit | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall, | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
I think all he did was go out | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
and buy another tracksuit for £100 or something. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
MILES: It's from Sports Direct - write it down, Ian, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
if you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
If the ones that you normally watch television in | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
have worn out, you can... LAUGHTER | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Sports...Direct. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
SportsDirect.com. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Do they do grey and baggy? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
They'll serve anybody. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:20 | |
They will. They'll serve anybody. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
Open policy. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
Yes, he set up a company... | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Which doesn't sound dodgy at all. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
This is the novel concept that the people of Scotland might get a say | 0:08:40 | 0:08:44 | |
in the running of the United Kingdom. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Despite Tory scaremongering, a deal between Labour and the SNP | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
might not be all one way - | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
the SNP have promised Labour support on Europe, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
a renegotiation of the Barnett formula and, albeit reluctantly, | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
to reveal the whereabouts of Donald's troosers. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
Paul and Miles, take a look at this. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Ooh, George Osborne running away from reality. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
And...here's David Cameron. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
-Er, yes, ooh... Um... -A fish, and, er, Rab C Nesbitt. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
Yes, and the Miliband effect on young women. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
WOMEN SCREAM | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
It was a hen party that squealed excitedly | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
on their way to having a wonderful evening that they'll never remember. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:24 | |
Er, forget. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:25 | |
And was it by chance, or was he an organised part of the entertainment? | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
Was he expected to strip for an extra fiver? | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Yes, Ed Miliband's battle bus got mobbed by a hen party in Chester. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
Let's have a look at it. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
THEY CHANT: Selfie, selfie, selfie! | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
What else has Ed been pleasantly surprised by? | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
-Milifans. -Yes. -Oh! | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
These people who are saying that they adore him online, | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
and saying he's sexy and saying he looks like Poldark. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Er, yes, he's got an unexpected following on Twitter | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
amongst teenage girls who call themselves the Milifemidom. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
Sorry, the Milifandom. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
It was all started on Twitter by a student called Abby, | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
and has now got 17,000 followers. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
One tweeted she had... | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
But she's too young to vote, isn't she? | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
-She's only 17. -I'm not saying it's a waste of time, but come on. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
David Cameron's got a rival Twitter group. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
Do you know they call themselves? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:39 | |
The 1922 Committee? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
-They're called the Cameronettes. -That's right, yes. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Set up by a student from Exeter University. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Let's have a look at the tweet. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
And, as you can see, it's been retweeted. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
Twice. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:02 | 0:11:03 | |
In terms of appealing to the youth vote, | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
where did Ed Miliband draw the line? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
He wouldn't do a make-up tutorial with someone like Zoella. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:14 | |
Oh, I really need to see a make-up tutorial with Ed Miliband now. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
Apparently, he refused to do a "banter pose" | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
during an interview with YouTube presenters Niki and Sammy. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
No, me neither. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Anyway, let's have a look. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:28 | |
Can we get a banter pose? | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Er, probably not. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
-Bye. -Bye! -Bye. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Oh, slap down for Niki and Sammy. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
-That's pretty cool. -Burn. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
I'm really warming to him, you know! | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
-That's working for me. -"No." | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Anyone want to see Ed Miliband | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
set to George Michael's Careless Whisper? | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
-Er... -No, no, I don't want to see that. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Yes, on balance, yes. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
Thank you, Paul. Let's see it. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
# I'm never gonna dance again | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
# Guilty feet have got no rhythm | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
# Though it's easy to pretend | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
# I know you're not a fool | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
# I should have known better than to cheat a friend | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
# And waste a chance that I'd been given | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
# So I'm never gonna dance again | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
# The way I danced with you, ooh. # | 0:12:12 | 0:12:17 | |
Oh, I could watch that all day. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
It looks like he's SAT on a Wispa. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
I don't know where we got it from... Yeah, that's the work of Mikeyblag. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
Thank you, Mikeyblag. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Let's catch up with Nigel Farage, now. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
He's hoping to be elected to the constituency of South Thanet - | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
a place that's been described as... | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
"Please drive carefully." | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
Actually, of course, Camilla, that's how YOU described the place. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
-Yes, it is. -Isn't it? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
That's exactly how I described it. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
-And Ukip said that that was... -Mean. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
Is that fair comment? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
No, not at all. It was the truth. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
Do you visit there much? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
No, I visit them... I went there more than Nigel Farage. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
By the time I arrived there, he'd only been there a few times. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
And did you feel they're going to vote for him? | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
No, I don't think they are at all. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
I think he's not going to get his seat at all. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
I went into a casino... SHE CHUCKLES | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
..at about 3:30 in the afternoon. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
There were two old ladies playing poker, | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
and I thought, "Oh, they'll vote for Farage." | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
And they hadn't heard of him at all. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
-Well, back to this week, and... -LAUGHTER | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
Nigel Farage has been wearing a hat! | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
And hitting back at claims that the Ukip manifesto | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
was full of white faces. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
Do you know what he's been saying? | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
He said there was one black face and one half-black face. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
-Is that right? -Yes, he told Magic Radio... | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
And then he went on... | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
No, it didn't get a mention, | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
because no ordinary people speak like that, Nigel. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
JINGLE PLAYS | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
Ah! That sound can only mean one thing. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
It's time for a bonus election buzzer question. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
-Wey! -It's What Happened Next? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
Yes, fingers on buzzers, | 0:14:13 | 0:14:14 | |
and tell me, what happened next? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Did he actually just get run over, and... | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
-LAUGHTER -No. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
-..is now dead? -Let's see. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
It's astonishing, huh? | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
I don't know how he does it, either. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
Incredible skill. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
Who's been allegedly using a sock puppet? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
Oh, um, Shappsy. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
-Old Shappsy Boy. -Shappsy! -Yeah. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
Old Shappsy. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:53 | |
He's a sharp character, isn't he? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
He seems to be... He goes around under different aliases, and now... | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
It's been alleged, it's been proved that he has... | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
It's been suggested that he has been altering Wikipedia entries | 0:15:03 | 0:15:08 | |
on his colleagues with the Conservative Party. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
-And himself. -And himself, indeed. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
The thing that I really loved was when they confronted him | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
about it and he said, | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
"I couldn't possibly have done this because I was elsewhere." | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
Do you know how the internet works? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
But he has got form. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
-He's denied that it was him changing his own entry. -Yes. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
But he did deny before that he had a second job working under | 0:15:29 | 0:15:33 | |
the alias of Michael Green and that was proved to be true. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:38 | |
Sort of this generation's Jeffrey Archer, isn't he, really? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
That's an appalling suggestion. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
I don't think you can say that about anybody. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
-Not even Jeff... -Not even Jeffrey Archer. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
Yes, Shapps found himself at the mercy of the nation's | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
sharpest satirists. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
Grant Shapps has fervently denied that he had anything to do, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
that he himself does not have the time, apparently, to... | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
to edit his own Wikipedia entry and, look, I... | 0:16:03 | 0:16:08 | |
I'm prepared to believe him. I mean... | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
It just could have been someone else. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
Michael Green, for instance. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
Boom, boom. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
Was that Trident going off in the background? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
JINGLE PLAYS | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
That noise means it's time for another bonus buzzer election round. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
This one is called... | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
Fingers on buzzers. It is a quickfire round. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
What's wrong with this leaflet? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
-BUZZER -Miles. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
They're working under a cloak of anonymity. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Yes. "Vote Name Surname." | 0:16:47 | 0:16:48 | |
-Wouldn't it be great if that was actually somebody's name? -Yeah. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
Greatest name ever. What's wrong with this leaflet? | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
BUZZER | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
Yes, Miles. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:57 | |
It's very tempting to crop it. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Well, it's not just... That's the right answer. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
It's not just tempting. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:02 | |
When you fold it in half to post it through a letterbox... | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
This is the news that the election is not just about Scotland. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
There are other major issues to discuss | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
such as Grant Shapps' Wikipedia page. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
Grant Shapps denies the accusation | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
he repeatedly edited his own Wikipedia entry, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
vowing to clear his names. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
-APPLAUSE -And so to Round Two. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
The One-Armed Bandit of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
Here's the first one. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
-BUZZER -Ian? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
This is a tortoise. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
This is his owner. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
She left the gate open and he ran away | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
and she was distraught for ages and then someone found the tortoise | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
and it's got her name on it there, slightly faded. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Stokes or something. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
I'm still struggling as to how this has made the news. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
God unavailable for comment. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
What's going on? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
The person who found it, incredibly nicely, | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
rang up everyone with the name on the tortoise locally. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Found her, this is a nice, heart-warming story... | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
-Absolutely. -..and she's very happy she's got her tortoise back. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
She never thought she would. She has! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
I think you got this the wrong way round. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
It's the woman that went missing for five years. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
She had her name written on her back | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
and the tortoise has been worried sick. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
Yes, this is absolutely true. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
This is where the story gets... | 0:18:45 | 0:18:46 | |
He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
With a pair of dark glasses and a fake passport. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
-How far did he get to? -Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
-400 yards! -Wait, that's just the beginning! | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
He got 400 yards from the front gate | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
and some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate... | 0:19:02 | 0:19:06 | |
22 miles away. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
Toby's 109 so he was one of the younger residents in Margate. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:13 | |
Yes, he was gone for a year. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
When the tortoise was in Margate, was he relentlessly | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
interviewed by Camilla desperate to find somebody with an opinion...? | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
- In the casino. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
I'm a migrant in the area but you wouldn't believe my story. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
It's all written on the back if you want to check it out. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
Toby the tortoise was missing for 11 months. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
When asked what happened, he said, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
"I don't know, it all happened so fast." | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
According to the Daily Mail, | 0:19:40 | 0:19:41 | |
the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
and driven 22 miles away, | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
leaving a scandalised hare to shout, | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
"Oi, that's cheating!" | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
-Fingers on buzzers, teams. -OK. -Here's the next one. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
BUZZER | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
-CAMILLA: This is Poldark and he can't scythe properly. -Can't he? | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Apparently he's doing it all wrong, his scythe is blunt... | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
It should be triple-action. You get three blades. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
Well, that couldn't be more of a right answer. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
According to The Telegraph, Chris Riley... | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
..he told the paper... | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
What else was unrealistic | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
as described by expert mower Chris Riley? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
Well, it's set in the 19th century and, apparently, it was filmed. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
Explain that one, Mr BBC! | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
Well, yes, that is obviously and absolutely true. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
Chris Riley said you would never scythe topless because... | 0:20:53 | 0:20:59 | |
CAMILLA: And to stop yourself giving yourself an inadvertent Brazilian | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
all the way up the front. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
-Inadvertent Brazilian. -Yeah. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
If it's a Graham Greene novel. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
This is the news that Aidan Turner, the actor in Poldark, | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
has received criticism after using the wrong scything technique. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
Many scything experts were upset. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Indeed, some of them described the scene as harrowing. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
Chris Riley, a 56-year-old scyther, told the Daily Telegraph | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
that when the episode in question aired... | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
Yeah, one phone call. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:42 | |
Your four are... | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
a bit of the universe, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
a creamy chicken bake from Tesco, | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
72 safety deposit boxes | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
BUZZER | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
One of them's to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Which one would that be? | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes, | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
the Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
I think it's about things disappearing, isn't it? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
Jewels have gone from the jewel place. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
And... LAUGHTER | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
-The creamy chicken's gone from Tesco. -Yes. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
They've lost a bit of the universe. Scientists don't know where it is. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
The wallet's the odd one out, that's what you're saying, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
it's been found. Absolutely, well done. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:22 | |
The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
-Ah. -I answered that for him. -Yes. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
Why did I answer that for you? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
Yes, they have all been found empty this week | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
which was returned with nearly double the amount of money inside. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
-Oh. -Any idea how long he had to wait to get his wallet back? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
Four years, the tortoise next door had nicked it. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
14 years to get his wallet back. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
We've lost a bit of the universe this week. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
Astronomers have discovered a curious empty section of space | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
which is missing around 10,000 galaxies. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
Let's have a look at this empty bit of space. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
MILES: It's more interesting than I thought it would be. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
-It's called a... -LAUGHTER | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
It's called a supervoid apparently. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
What is surprising scientists about this supervoid? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
-It shouldn't be there. -CAMILLA: Yes. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
It's surprisingly cool is the answer. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
Said Carlos Frenk, professor of not really meaning anything | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
at the university of too early to say. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
72 safety deposit boxes were left empty after | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
The police revealed photographs from inside the scene of the crime | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
this week. Do we know who any of the victims are yet? | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
Mostly jewellery owners. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
Mostly jewellery owners. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
MILES: Lots of gangsters, | 0:23:45 | 0:23:46 | |
lots of the things in safety deposit boxes are stolen, aren't they? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
It's because you're not allowed to go and look in safety deposit boxes | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
so anything you steal, Stephen, you can put in a safety deposit box. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
Could be a material thing, could be a concept, somebody else's idea, | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
you put it away in there... | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
Could be the best dressing room. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
This is true, it's been reported victims include | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
the Adams family, not THAT Addams family. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
The Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather have the police | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
than the Adams family. But I'm sure they're lovely people. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
The Tesco's pasty. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
A man from Canary Wharf in London bought a Tesco's creamy chicken bake | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
only to find it had no filling. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find... | 0:24:32 | 0:24:37 | |
Exactly! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:40 | |
Yeah, that would've been so much nicer. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
find in his Aldi steak-and-onion flavoured crisps recently? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
A barn owl. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
No. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:55 | |
He found one single uncooked potato. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
They have all been found empty apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
which was returned this week after 14 years with | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
nearly double the amount of money inside. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
This week, a man bought an empty creamy chicken bake from Tesco. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:15 | |
Overwhelmed with embarrassment and remorse, | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Tesco offered the shopper compensation in the form of... | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Not even an actual pound | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
but a card you have to spend in their shitty shop. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features, | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
as its guest publication, | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
-The Barometer Magazine. -Ah, yes. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
I'm now supposed to make a joke about barometers. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
Ooh, the pressure. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
And we start with... | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Putting her in a headlock! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
The answer is just by folding a £10 note | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
-you can put the Queen in a bad mood. -Oh. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
This is the news that a man has discovered that | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
just by folding a £10 note in two places, | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
you can change the Queen's expression from good to bad. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
Next... | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
It took weeks to find a buyer for the smaller barometer in the world. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
-Is half right. -Oh. -The answer is... | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
-Oh. -This is from The Barometer Magazine. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
The barometer collector was called... | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
He doesn't need a barometer, | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
surely he can just feel it coming in the air tonight. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Next... | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
Can I get a rectal one? | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
How would you like one of these in your hallway? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
The answer is... | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
This is from, believe it or not, The Barometer Magazine. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
Do you tap them or not was also the most-asked question | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
about phones at News International. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
The answer? A big, fat yes. And lastly... | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
Is it Nan-net? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:20 | |
-Oh. -That's good. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
-Thank you very much. -Ram-brandt! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
No, it's not right. Goat that can paint called... | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
and charges 40 per work. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:40 | |
Van Goat has many fans but sadly has had to leave Twitter | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
because of all the trolls. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
So the final scores are... | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
Paul and Miles have five | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
but this week's winner, Ian and Camilla with six. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
-APPLAUSE -Well done. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
And I leave you with news that | 0:28:03 | 0:28:04 | |
there's sensation in the music industry as | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
Boy George is sued by the original songwriter of Karma Chameleon. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:11 | |
During a speech in Crewe, George Osborne begins to regret | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
allowing a disgruntled rail employee to set up his podium. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:22 | |
And as Kim Jong-un boasts that he learned to drive | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
at the age of three, evidence emerges to back up his claim. | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
Goodnight. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 |