Episode 3 Have I Got News for You


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I actually once accosted you outside the Ritz when I was really drunk

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and I said, "I love you."

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It was about 1.30 in the morning

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and you looked so frightened and ran away.

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-But, Ian, I really do.

-Yeah!

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And that's why I'm here tonight, so, um, just relax.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

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In the news this week,

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Springwatch's Chris Packham regrets not being at home

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when some extremely rare osprey eggs are delivered.

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In Hull,

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the head chef of the Lucky House Crispy Duck takeaway is spotted.

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And in Westminster,

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Nick Robinson confronts the person who drew a penis on his notebook.

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On Ian's team tonight, a journalist who is descended from aristocracy.

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I'm not sure how posh she is,

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but her family home does have a gift shop and a maze.

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Please welcome Camilla Long.

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian

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who is currently starring in a play at the National Theatre.

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Actually, I'm in it as well, so technically he's not starring.

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Please welcome Miles Jupp.

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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And we start with the bigger election stories of the week.

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Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.

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-Um...yes.

-Scotland?

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Kilts.

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That's supposedly the most dangerous woman in Britain,

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the one on the right.

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"Stronger for Scotland", that's a new toilet paper.

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-Who's that?

-Uh, John Major.

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Oh, yes, I remember him.

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We're meant to be terrified.

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This is the Tory tactic

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to make everyone very, very scared of the SNP.

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Why?

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This isn't explained.

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Nicola Sturgeon gets lots of votes in Scotland,

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so all the other parties go, "Oh, no!

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"What could we possibly do?"

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You could argue.

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Present some policies.

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-Try and win.

-Help count the votes.

-Yeah!

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What did she say was the SNP's number one priority?

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It was to...

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How appalling(!)

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Yeah. Well, it's nice of them to do that

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before they piss off and leave the rest of us...

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behind.

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She doesn't have a Westminster seat, does she?

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No, she's leader of the party.

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So she'd be involved in negotiations, but she wouldn't have...

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Yeah, by Skype, from Scotland.

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-Right.

-Cos she's officially not allowed to leave,

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cos that would be betrayal.

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But where did they launch their manifesto?

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The Isle of Skype.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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So she could be part of power, in the event...

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I'm asking you this, Ian, because I suspect the rest of us don't know.

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I'm obviously part of the SNP's inner circle.

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The London agent.

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"Half past one outside the Ritz, nothing to report."

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Of course, that won't work

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unless we include the bit before the recording.

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What are their actual plans, do we know?

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It's to put forward a lot of promises which they haven't costed

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and which will cost a great deal of money and everyone says,

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"Where's that coming from?" and you say, "Shut up."

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They've got a position on Trident as well, the SNP.

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I don't know what it is, but they've got one.

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I think they want to sell it. Or not do it.

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-Not have it?

-Not sell it. They want to just...

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You might as well sell it. Surely someone will buy it.

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What's the point in just throwing it away?

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-Yeah!

-A lot of countries don't have nuclear weapons.

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That's the problem with politics today - no common sense.

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Exactly.

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Did you see how The Sun portrayed Ed Miliband

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and Nicola Sturgeon's plan to steal the election?

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There they are.

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They're going to steal the election by lots of people voting for them.

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"Huh! Boo!"

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There's also this, The Sun came up with.

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Wasn't Miley Cyrus actually naked in the original video?

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Have they put pants on her?

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I'm just pointing this out for detail.

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I don't know,

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but if anyone would be the expert on the Miley Cyrus video...

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-It would be Ian.

-Ian.

-Mmm.

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David Cameron's been warning this week about the "coalition of chaos,"

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a phrase I think he's coined himself.

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A bit harsh on Nick Clegg and himself!

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I think they've all been told to say the word "chaos" and keep saying it.

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-I think it's the watchword of the election.

-Right.

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Boris kept on saying it.

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MILES: It's a very mild word, "chaos".

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As a sort of emotive word,

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"chaos" is how people that make the mistake

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of going to Ikea on a bank holiday... "Oh, it was chaos."

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Apparently, the Tory word, the positive word, is "confidence."

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So somebody's thought is "confidence versus chaos."

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And then Boris is both.

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-Yes!

-So whatever you want, you get a bit of it.

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But Boris is the secret weapon.

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What's secret about Boris?

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-To be fair.

-Well, you'll have to ask the courts.

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So David Cameron's come up with the "coalition of chaos" -

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what has John Major been calling the Lab-SNP danger?

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-IN MAJOR'S VOICE:

-"He's still here."

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I do all the MPs.

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-He...

-LAUGHTER

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He said...

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He said a Labour-SNP alliance was "a recipe for mayhem."

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It's not quite as good as "coalition of chaos", is it?

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-I came up with "potpourri of panic."

-That's very good.

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"A bowl of bollocks."

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That is an image that will stay with me for a very long time.

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What I liked about John Major

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was that he seemed to say that everybody wanted package holidays.

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That was the benchmark of being happy.

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He hasn't been in politics since about 1996, to be fair.

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-Yep.

-So, you know...

-Does he now work for Thomas Cook?

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He hasn't been abroad much.

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Where does he do his arms dealing? From home?

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With the internet now, you probably could, couldn't you?

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Ian, when you were watching This Morning

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with Phillip Schofield on Wednesday...

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-Oh, yes.

-Yes... As I'm sure you did.

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-Did you hear David Cameron's little jibe at Alex Salmond?

-I did!

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-Yes.

-There's a man on Good Morning who takes people's wallets

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and the Prime Minister made a joke. He said, "That'll be Alex Salmond."

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Let's hear him deliver that joke with aplomb.

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-Thank you very much indeed for your time.

-Thanks.

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Up next, a man who can pinch your wallet,

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your watch and even your tie without you ever noticing.

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He's here after the break.

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Who's that, Alex Salmond?

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It's quite a good joke.

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It's the only time in the campaign

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I've seen Cameron come up with anything interesting.

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Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week?

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That rogue trader?

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-The "flash crash" trader?

-Yes.

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Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader facing extradition to America

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over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash.

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He has this extraordinary lifestyle,

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which is so incredibly penny-pinching.

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He's worth something like 30 million or something,

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but he always wears a sort of tracksuit

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and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall,

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I think all he did was go out

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and buy another tracksuit for £100 or something.

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MILES: It's from Sports Direct - write it down, Ian,

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if you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms.

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If the ones that you normally watch television in

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have worn out, you can... LAUGHTER

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Sports...Direct.

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SportsDirect.com.

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Do they do grey and baggy?

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They'll serve anybody.

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They will. They'll serve anybody.

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APPLAUSE

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Open policy.

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Yes, he set up a company...

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Which doesn't sound dodgy at all.

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This is the novel concept that the people of Scotland might get a say

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in the running of the United Kingdom.

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Despite Tory scaremongering, a deal between Labour and the SNP

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might not be all one way -

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the SNP have promised Labour support on Europe,

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a renegotiation of the Barnett formula and, albeit reluctantly,

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to reveal the whereabouts of Donald's troosers.

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Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

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Ooh, George Osborne running away from reality.

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And...here's David Cameron.

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-Er, yes, ooh... Um...

-A fish, and, er, Rab C Nesbitt.

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Yes, and the Miliband effect on young women.

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WOMEN SCREAM

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It was a hen party that squealed excitedly

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on their way to having a wonderful evening that they'll never remember.

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Er, forget.

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And was it by chance, or was he an organised part of the entertainment?

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Was he expected to strip for an extra fiver?

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Yes, Ed Miliband's battle bus got mobbed by a hen party in Chester.

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Let's have a look at it.

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THEY SCREAM

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THEY CHANT: Selfie, selfie, selfie!

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What else has Ed been pleasantly surprised by?

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-Milifans.

-Yes.

-Oh!

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These people who are saying that they adore him online,

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and saying he's sexy and saying he looks like Poldark.

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Er, yes, he's got an unexpected following on Twitter

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amongst teenage girls who call themselves the Milifemidom.

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Sorry, the Milifandom.

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It was all started on Twitter by a student called Abby,

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and has now got 17,000 followers.

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One tweeted she had...

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But she's too young to vote, isn't she?

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-She's only 17.

-I'm not saying it's a waste of time, but come on.

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David Cameron's got a rival Twitter group.

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Do you know they call themselves?

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The 1922 Committee?

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-They're called the Cameronettes.

-That's right, yes.

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Set up by a student from Exeter University.

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Let's have a look at the tweet.

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And, as you can see, it's been retweeted.

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Twice.

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LAUGHTER

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In terms of appealing to the youth vote,

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where did Ed Miliband draw the line?

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He wouldn't do a make-up tutorial with someone like Zoella.

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Oh, I really need to see a make-up tutorial with Ed Miliband now.

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Apparently, he refused to do a "banter pose"

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during an interview with YouTube presenters Niki and Sammy.

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No, me neither.

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Anyway, let's have a look.

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Can we get a banter pose?

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Er, probably not.

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-Bye.

-Bye!

-Bye.

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Oh, slap down for Niki and Sammy.

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-That's pretty cool.

-Burn.

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I'm really warming to him, you know!

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-That's working for me.

-"No."

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Anyone want to see Ed Miliband

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set to George Michael's Careless Whisper?

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-Er...

-No, no, I don't want to see that.

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Yes, on balance, yes.

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Thank you, Paul. Let's see it.

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# I'm never gonna dance again

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# Guilty feet have got no rhythm

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# Though it's easy to pretend

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# I know you're not a fool

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# I should have known better than to cheat a friend

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# And waste a chance that I'd been given

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# So I'm never gonna dance again

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# The way I danced with you, ooh. #

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Oh, I could watch that all day.

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It looks like he's SAT on a Wispa.

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I don't know where we got it from... Yeah, that's the work of Mikeyblag.

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Thank you, Mikeyblag.

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Let's catch up with Nigel Farage, now.

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He's hoping to be elected to the constituency of South Thanet -

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a place that's been described as...

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"Please drive carefully."

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Actually, of course, Camilla, that's how YOU described the place.

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-Yes, it is.

-Isn't it?

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That's exactly how I described it.

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-And Ukip said that that was...

-Mean.

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Is that fair comment?

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No, not at all. It was the truth.

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Do you visit there much?

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No, I visit them... I went there more than Nigel Farage.

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By the time I arrived there, he'd only been there a few times.

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And did you feel they're going to vote for him?

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No, I don't think they are at all.

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I think he's not going to get his seat at all.

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I went into a casino... SHE CHUCKLES

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..at about 3:30 in the afternoon.

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There were two old ladies playing poker,

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and I thought, "Oh, they'll vote for Farage."

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And they hadn't heard of him at all.

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-Well, back to this week, and...

-LAUGHTER

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Nigel Farage has been wearing a hat!

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And hitting back at claims that the Ukip manifesto

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was full of white faces.

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Do you know what he's been saying?

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He said there was one black face and one half-black face.

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-Is that right?

-Yes, he told Magic Radio...

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And then he went on...

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No, it didn't get a mention,

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because no ordinary people speak like that, Nigel.

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JINGLE PLAYS

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Ah! That sound can only mean one thing.

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It's time for a bonus election buzzer question.

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-Wey!

-It's What Happened Next?

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Yes, fingers on buzzers,

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and tell me, what happened next?

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I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate

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for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield.

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Did he actually just get run over, and...

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-LAUGHTER

-No.

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-..is now dead?

-Let's see.

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I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate

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for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield.

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LAUGHTER

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It's astonishing, huh?

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I don't know how he does it, either.

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Incredible skill.

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Who's been allegedly using a sock puppet?

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Oh, um, Shappsy.

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-Old Shappsy Boy.

-Shappsy!

-Yeah.

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Old Shappsy.

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He's a sharp character, isn't he?

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He seems to be... He goes around under different aliases, and now...

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It's been alleged, it's been proved that he has...

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It's been suggested that he has been altering Wikipedia entries

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on his colleagues with the Conservative Party.

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-And himself.

-And himself, indeed.

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The thing that I really loved was when they confronted him

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about it and he said,

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"I couldn't possibly have done this because I was elsewhere."

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SHE LAUGHS

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Do you know how the internet works?

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But he has got form.

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-He's denied that it was him changing his own entry.

-Yes.

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But he did deny before that he had a second job working under

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the alias of Michael Green and that was proved to be true.

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Sort of this generation's Jeffrey Archer, isn't he, really?

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That's an appalling suggestion.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't think you can say that about anybody.

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-Not even Jeff...

-Not even Jeffrey Archer.

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Yes, Shapps found himself at the mercy of the nation's

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sharpest satirists.

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Grant Shapps has fervently denied that he had anything to do,

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that he himself does not have the time, apparently, to...

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to edit his own Wikipedia entry and, look, I...

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I'm prepared to believe him. I mean...

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It just could have been someone else.

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Michael Green, for instance.

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Boom, boom.

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Was that Trident going off in the background?

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JINGLE PLAYS

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That noise means it's time for another bonus buzzer election round.

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This one is called...

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Fingers on buzzers. It is a quickfire round.

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What's wrong with this leaflet?

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-BUZZER

-Miles.

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LAUGHTER

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They're working under a cloak of anonymity.

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Yes. "Vote Name Surname."

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-Wouldn't it be great if that was actually somebody's name?

-Yeah.

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Greatest name ever. What's wrong with this leaflet?

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BUZZER

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Yes, Miles.

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It's very tempting to crop it.

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Well, it's not just... That's the right answer.

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It's not just tempting.

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When you fold it in half to post it through a letterbox...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is the news that the election is not just about Scotland.

0:17:130:17:16

There are other major issues to discuss

0:17:160:17:18

such as Grant Shapps' Wikipedia page.

0:17:180:17:21

Grant Shapps denies the accusation

0:17:210:17:23

he repeatedly edited his own Wikipedia entry,

0:17:230:17:25

vowing to clear his names.

0:17:250:17:27

-APPLAUSE

-And so to Round Two.

0:17:290:17:33

The One-Armed Bandit of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:17:330:17:37

Here's the first one.

0:17:370:17:38

-BUZZER

-Ian?

0:17:430:17:45

This is a tortoise.

0:17:450:17:46

This is his owner.

0:17:480:17:49

She left the gate open and he ran away

0:17:490:17:52

and she was distraught for ages and then someone found the tortoise

0:17:520:17:56

and it's got her name on it there, slightly faded.

0:17:560:17:59

Stokes or something.

0:17:590:18:00

I'm still struggling as to how this has made the news.

0:18:000:18:03

Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing.

0:18:030:18:06

God unavailable for comment.

0:18:060:18:08

What's going on?

0:18:100:18:11

The person who found it, incredibly nicely,

0:18:110:18:13

rang up everyone with the name on the tortoise locally.

0:18:130:18:16

Found her, this is a nice, heart-warming story...

0:18:160:18:19

-Absolutely.

-..and she's very happy she's got her tortoise back.

0:18:190:18:23

She never thought she would. She has!

0:18:230:18:24

I think you got this the wrong way round.

0:18:240:18:26

It's the woman that went missing for five years.

0:18:260:18:28

She had her name written on her back

0:18:280:18:30

and the tortoise has been worried sick.

0:18:300:18:32

It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it.

0:18:320:18:35

Yes, this is absolutely true.

0:18:350:18:38

It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited

0:18:380:18:41

with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run.

0:18:410:18:45

This is where the story gets...

0:18:450:18:46

He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.

0:18:460:18:48

With a pair of dark glasses and a fake passport.

0:18:510:18:53

-How far did he get to?

-Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.

0:18:530:18:56

-400 yards!

-Wait, that's just the beginning!

0:18:560:19:00

He got 400 yards from the front gate

0:19:000:19:02

and some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate...

0:19:020:19:06

22 miles away.

0:19:060:19:08

Toby's 109 so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.

0:19:080:19:13

Yes, he was gone for a year.

0:19:140:19:15

When the tortoise was in Margate, was he relentlessly

0:19:150:19:18

interviewed by Camilla desperate to find somebody with an opinion...?

0:19:180:19:21

- In the casino.

0:19:210:19:22

I'm a migrant in the area but you wouldn't believe my story.

0:19:230:19:27

It's all written on the back if you want to check it out.

0:19:280:19:32

Toby the tortoise was missing for 11 months.

0:19:320:19:34

When asked what happened, he said,

0:19:340:19:36

"I don't know, it all happened so fast."

0:19:360:19:38

According to the Daily Mail,

0:19:400:19:41

the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road

0:19:410:19:44

and driven 22 miles away,

0:19:440:19:46

leaving a scandalised hare to shout,

0:19:460:19:48

"Oi, that's cheating!"

0:19:480:19:50

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-OK.

-Here's the next one.

0:19:550:19:58

BUZZER

0:20:010:20:03

-CAMILLA: This is Poldark and he can't scythe properly.

-Can't he?

0:20:030:20:06

Apparently he's doing it all wrong, his scythe is blunt...

0:20:060:20:10

It should be triple-action. You get three blades.

0:20:100:20:13

Well, that couldn't be more of a right answer.

0:20:150:20:17

According to The Telegraph, Chris Riley...

0:20:170:20:21

..he told the paper...

0:20:230:20:25

What else was unrealistic

0:20:380:20:39

as described by expert mower Chris Riley?

0:20:390:20:42

Well, it's set in the 19th century and, apparently, it was filmed.

0:20:420:20:45

Explain that one, Mr BBC!

0:20:460:20:49

Well, yes, that is obviously and absolutely true.

0:20:510:20:53

Chris Riley said you would never scythe topless because...

0:20:530:20:59

CAMILLA: And to stop yourself giving yourself an inadvertent Brazilian

0:21:000:21:03

all the way up the front.

0:21:030:21:05

-Inadvertent Brazilian.

-Yeah.

0:21:050:21:08

If it's a Graham Greene novel.

0:21:080:21:10

This is the news that Aidan Turner, the actor in Poldark,

0:21:120:21:15

has received criticism after using the wrong scything technique.

0:21:150:21:19

Many scything experts were upset.

0:21:190:21:21

Indeed, some of them described the scene as harrowing.

0:21:210:21:24

Chris Riley, a 56-year-old scyther, told the Daily Telegraph

0:21:260:21:30

that when the episode in question aired...

0:21:300:21:33

Yeah, one phone call.

0:21:360:21:38

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

0:21:380:21:42

Your four are...

0:21:420:21:43

a bit of the universe,

0:21:430:21:45

a creamy chicken bake from Tesco,

0:21:450:21:47

72 safety deposit boxes

0:21:470:21:49

and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet.

0:21:490:21:52

BUZZER

0:21:520:21:53

One of them's to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it?

0:21:530:21:56

Which one would that be?

0:21:560:21:58

Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes,

0:21:590:22:02

the Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe.

0:22:020:22:04

I think it's about things disappearing, isn't it?

0:22:060:22:09

Jewels have gone from the jewel place.

0:22:090:22:11

And... LAUGHTER

0:22:110:22:13

-The creamy chicken's gone from Tesco.

-Yes.

0:22:130:22:15

They've lost a bit of the universe. Scientists don't know where it is.

0:22:150:22:18

The wallet's the odd one out, that's what you're saying,

0:22:180:22:21

it's been found. Absolutely, well done.

0:22:210:22:22

The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer.

0:22:220:22:25

-Ah.

-I answered that for him.

-Yes.

0:22:250:22:26

Why did I answer that for you?

0:22:260:22:28

APPLAUSE

0:22:280:22:30

Yes, they have all been found empty this week

0:22:300:22:33

apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet

0:22:330:22:35

which was returned with nearly double the amount of money inside.

0:22:350:22:38

-Oh.

-Any idea how long he had to wait to get his wallet back?

0:22:380:22:41

Four years, the tortoise next door had nicked it.

0:22:410:22:44

14 years to get his wallet back.

0:22:460:22:48

We've lost a bit of the universe this week.

0:22:480:22:51

Astronomers have discovered a curious empty section of space

0:22:510:22:54

which is missing around 10,000 galaxies.

0:22:540:22:58

Let's have a look at this empty bit of space.

0:22:580:23:01

MILES: It's more interesting than I thought it would be.

0:23:010:23:04

-It's called a...

-LAUGHTER

0:23:040:23:07

It's called a supervoid apparently.

0:23:070:23:09

What is surprising scientists about this supervoid?

0:23:090:23:13

-It shouldn't be there.

-CAMILLA: Yes.

0:23:130:23:15

It's surprisingly cool is the answer.

0:23:150:23:18

Said Carlos Frenk, professor of not really meaning anything

0:23:250:23:28

at the university of too early to say.

0:23:280:23:31

72 safety deposit boxes were left empty after

0:23:310:23:34

they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden.

0:23:340:23:37

The police revealed photographs from inside the scene of the crime

0:23:370:23:40

this week. Do we know who any of the victims are yet?

0:23:400:23:42

Mostly jewellery owners.

0:23:420:23:43

Mostly jewellery owners.

0:23:430:23:45

MILES: Lots of gangsters,

0:23:450:23:46

lots of the things in safety deposit boxes are stolen, aren't they?

0:23:460:23:49

It's because you're not allowed to go and look in safety deposit boxes

0:23:490:23:52

so anything you steal, Stephen, you can put in a safety deposit box.

0:23:520:23:55

Could be a material thing, could be a concept, somebody else's idea,

0:23:550:23:58

you put it away in there...

0:23:580:24:01

Could be the best dressing room.

0:24:010:24:03

This is true, it's been reported victims include

0:24:050:24:08

the Adams family, not THAT Addams family.

0:24:080:24:11

The Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family.

0:24:110:24:15

You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather have the police

0:24:150:24:17

than the Adams family. But I'm sure they're lovely people.

0:24:170:24:21

The Tesco's pasty.

0:24:260:24:28

A man from Canary Wharf in London bought a Tesco's creamy chicken bake

0:24:280:24:30

only to find it had no filling.

0:24:300:24:32

The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find...

0:24:320:24:37

Exactly!

0:24:390:24:40

Yeah, that would've been so much nicer.

0:24:400:24:42

What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds

0:24:460:24:48

find in his Aldi steak-and-onion flavoured crisps recently?

0:24:480:24:51

A barn owl.

0:24:510:24:54

No.

0:24:540:24:55

He found one single uncooked potato.

0:24:550:24:58

They have all been found empty apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet

0:25:030:25:06

which was returned this week after 14 years with

0:25:060:25:08

nearly double the amount of money inside.

0:25:080:25:10

This week, a man bought an empty creamy chicken bake from Tesco.

0:25:100:25:15

Overwhelmed with embarrassment and remorse,

0:25:150:25:17

Tesco offered the shopper compensation in the form of...

0:25:170:25:20

Not even an actual pound

0:25:220:25:24

but a card you have to spend in their shitty shop.

0:25:240:25:27

Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features,

0:25:330:25:35

as its guest publication,

0:25:350:25:37

-The Barometer Magazine.

-Ah, yes.

0:25:370:25:39

I'm now supposed to make a joke about barometers.

0:25:390:25:42

Ooh, the pressure.

0:25:420:25:43

And we start with...

0:25:480:25:50

Putting her in a headlock!

0:25:520:25:54

The answer is just by folding a £10 note

0:25:550:25:57

-you can put the Queen in a bad mood.

-Oh.

0:25:570:25:59

This is the news that a man has discovered that

0:25:590:26:01

just by folding a £10 note in two places,

0:26:010:26:03

you can change the Queen's expression from good to bad.

0:26:030:26:06

Let's have a look.

0:26:060:26:07

Next...

0:26:180:26:20

It took weeks to find a buyer for the smaller barometer in the world.

0:26:220:26:25

-Is half right.

-Oh.

-The answer is...

0:26:250:26:28

-Oh.

-This is from The Barometer Magazine.

0:26:320:26:34

The barometer collector was called...

0:26:340:26:37

He doesn't need a barometer,

0:26:370:26:38

surely he can just feel it coming in the air tonight.

0:26:380:26:41

APPLAUSE

0:26:440:26:46

Next...

0:26:460:26:48

Can I get a rectal one?

0:26:510:26:52

How would you like one of these in your hallway?

0:26:560:26:58

The answer is...

0:27:020:27:04

This is from, believe it or not, The Barometer Magazine.

0:27:050:27:07

Do you tap them or not was also the most-asked question

0:27:070:27:10

about phones at News International.

0:27:100:27:13

The answer? A big, fat yes. And lastly...

0:27:140:27:16

Is it Nan-net?

0:27:190:27:20

-Oh.

-That's good.

0:27:200:27:22

-Thank you very much.

-Ram-brandt!

0:27:220:27:25

APPLAUSE

0:27:250:27:28

No, it's not right. Goat that can paint called...

0:27:300:27:33

This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting

0:27:360:27:39

and charges 40 per work.

0:27:390:27:40

Van Goat has many fans but sadly has had to leave Twitter

0:27:410:27:44

because of all the trolls.

0:27:440:27:46

So the final scores are...

0:27:510:27:53

Paul and Miles have five

0:27:530:27:55

but this week's winner, Ian and Camilla with six.

0:27:550:27:57

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

0:27:570:28:00

And I leave you with news that

0:28:030:28:04

there's sensation in the music industry as

0:28:040:28:07

Boy George is sued by the original songwriter of Karma Chameleon.

0:28:070:28:11

During a speech in Crewe, George Osborne begins to regret

0:28:150:28:18

allowing a disgruntled rail employee to set up his podium.

0:28:180:28:22

And as Kim Jong-un boasts that he learned to drive

0:28:250:28:28

at the age of three, evidence emerges to back up his claim.

0:28:280:28:31

Goodnight.

0:28:340:28:36

APPLAUSE

0:28:360:28:38

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