Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week, in Iraq,

as Islamic State destroys more ancient antiquities,

one overzealous jihadi is unaware of the curse of Laurel Al-Hardy.

In Scotland, a Virgin Media customer manages to get a broadband signal

for long enough to download an e-mail.

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! We got it, baby!

We got it! We got it!

Whoo!

Whoo!

And newly released Top Gear footage suggests that tensions were rising

in the main team and that James May in particular had had enough.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's been described

as Stephen Fry's favourite Canadian funnywoman, just ahead of...

Anyway, Stephen Fry's favourite Canadian funnywoman!

Please welcome Katherine Ryan!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a former TV executive who is now a Tory lord,

with the title Baron Grade of Yarmouth,

though obviously he'll never be the most popular "peer" in Yarmouth.

Please welcome Michael Grade.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger election stories of the week.

Ian and Katherine, take a look at this.

-Aww!

-Ah!

That's a selfie.

Oh, look how thrilled they are!

-Who's that?

-Dum-dum-DUM!

Russell Brand.

-Yeah, I know...

-LAUGHTER

-He had Ed Miliband over for a chat, didn't he?

-He did.

How amazing to have insight into the actual kitchen

where so many women

made a lonely breakfast for themselves

and then showed themselves out.

-There were a couple of interesting moments. There was this bit.

-OK.

For me, what I have learned, because of geopolitical influences,

because of global finances,

it seems that it's very difficult at a domestic level to leverage

-serious influence, so...

-It's not true. It's just not true.

LAUGHTER

Did you see Russell's sink hose?

Is that a euphemism?

No, it absolutely wasn't. It's quite impressive, look at that.

THAT'S a sink hose, isn't it?

I noticed Russell kept taking a big swig from a glass bottle of water.

I spotted that! We've got a clip of that as well.

You've got to answer it, mate.

I will answer it, but there's two issues here.

There's "does politics make change happen?"

-Mmm.

-And "what scale of change are we talking about?"

Why would you do that when you've got such a massive tap?

I mean, maybe he doesn't know that it's not water.

He gave up on alcohol, just like he pussied out on heroin.

You do have a different take, don't you?

It got a lot of vitriol in the papers, this, but actually,

it's well worth a look, cos Miliband makes very short shrift of him.

Russell comes up with the usual stuff

and Miliband says, "No. You're wrong."

And he says, "Well, you shouldn't vote,"

and Miliband explains, quite patiently,

why voting has achieved quite a lot and it's quite a good idea.

Brand moves towards him and stares at him a bit, doesn't he?

Yeah, and says "paradigm".

He says "paradigm" a couple of times.

The moment with the banks, when he was talking about the banks,

-he wanted them all dismantled.

-He went through the financial crisis.

If you like your analysis deep,

it may not be for you.

Some of what he says is perfectly sensible, and then Miliband says,

"Yes, and the way to deal with that is politics."

Doesn't matter which party,

but you have got to vote someone to deal with it

and Russell thinks and the thing ends

and Russell turns to the camera and says, "So what have we learned?"

Well, I thought you've learned quite a lot, Russell.

Do you want to see our little Vine we've created?

-KATHERINE: You've created a Vine?!

-Yeah, we have.

You know, ee-ee...

ih-ee...ih-eee...

ih-ee...ih-ee...ih-ee

ee...it requires pressure...

The Daily Star claimed that Ed Miliband's interview

was part of...

It's not that bizarre, is it?

What, by the way, does Russell Brand think of Ed Balls?

-He didn't like his handshake much.

-No, he didn't.

"Clickety-wristy" or something, or "wristy-clicky".

Yeah, he did. He said he shook hands with him once and he was a...

LAUGHTER

I remembered the first half of that more than the second half.

How did David Cameron react to the Miliband interview with Brand?

A bit jealous, I think.

He said...

Presumably, because he's too busy hanging out with serious people,

like Katie Hopkins.

Speaking of comedy sex pests,

what was Ed's other encounter for this week?

-Bill Cosby?!

-No.

Ed Miliband came under fire this week after a TV debate

with Boris Johnson on Andrew Marr.

Boris taunted Ed that...

Well, Eton was a waste of money, wasn't it?

Labour seems like it's not going to win any seats in Scotland.

How did Theresa May describe this?

"Ha-ha-ha-haaaa..."

No, she said it's a constitutional crisis,

the like of which has not been seen

since the abdication of Edward VIII in 1938.

How was that, Michael?

Didn't he...?

Didn't he abdicate in 1936, not 1938?

You just said 1938.

You read it out. Look at me. You read out 1938.

The lips are a clue. Look at the lips. 1938. You said 1938.

-It is 1938, isn't it?

-No, he abdicated in 1936.

-There you are.

-But you don't know whether I'm bluffing or not, do you?

When you haven't got your friend in the corner,

you've got no idea what's going on, have you?

No idea at all.

APPLAUSE

-Definitely '36.

-1936.

I don't think you're right.

LAUGHTER

You won't have had a chance to see the Question Time debate

with David Dimbleby, but we can show you some highlights now.

"Clegg has gone berserk, he's got an axe!"

Here is Ed getting a hard time from the audience.

How can you stand there and say you didn't overspend

and end up bankrupting this country?

That is absolutely ludicrous.

You're frankly just lying.

I'm sorry. APPLAUSE

I guess I'm not going to convince you, but...

You're not going to convince me,

cos the facts speak for themselves.

You stood there and said you didn't overspend.

If I get to the end of the week and I can't afford to buy a pint,

I've overspent.

-It means I haven't got any money left.

-Sure.

-IAN:

-Which party's he from?

He's good.

And here is Ed Miliband flirting with one particular lady.

With all the rhetoric about non-doms and unpaid tax,

if your party were in power, do you think you could ever bridge the gap

between the richest and the poorest?

What's your name?

LAUGHTER

What's a non-dom?

Is that just a condom that's not been used?

-JINGLE PLAYS

-Ah, right.

That welcome interruption means it's time once again

for a bonus buzzer election round.

So let's get started. And the category is...

I'm Ukip parliamentary candidate for Birmingham Harjinder Singh,

but where am I?

-MICHAEL: In the street.

-He's in the street.

Well, he is, of course,

standing near Junction 7 of the M6.

He's waving at passing cars.

He's been doing this 13 hours a day for the last two weeks

in a bid to win votes.

Locals in a nearby pub were asked if they were going to vote for Ukip.

What did they all reply?

-No.

-No. There we are.

Fingers on buzzers, here is your next question.

Are we allowed to do jokes about Ukip?

I thought we were being referred to the Kent police.

Yeah, after last week's show.

-Mm.

-And the police were, very rightly, quite surprised.

I mean, usually, they're investigating Ukip,

not following up...complaints.

But anyway, I hope we're going to be jolly careful,

because it's the Representation of the People's Act.

So if you make jokes about Farage, or Ukip, they could well complain.

Well, he's already threatening the BBC, isn't he?

To slash the licence fee as a revenge

for that audience on the opposition...

But it's funny - when anyone says that, you know,

there were some pretty racist jokes made at, say, the Ukip gala,

he says, "Oh, it was a joke, we're going to have censorship now."

I think the Kent police are going to be round again.

Next, here's Ukip parliamentary candidate for the West Midlands,

Clair Braund - can you tell me what happened next?

SHE SIGHS

Did she start singing... # Let it go, let it go... # ?

You are so close. I mean, that is almost exactly right, yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MICHAEL: No!

Let's just have a look.

# This is the rhythm of the night

# The night

# Oh, yeah

# The rhythm of the night

# This is the rhythm of my life

# My life

# Oh, yeah

# The rhythm of my life... #

LAUGHTER

There.

-BUZZER

-Why?

-Why?

That's a no from me.

That's exactly right - it was The Voice.

A recent contestant on The Voice asked all the candidates to...

-LAUGHING:

-So we could judge them all on their singing.

We can all judge for ourselves, because we have the others here -

Labour's Steve McCabe, Liberal Democrat John Hemming

and the Green Party's Margaret Okole.

# He's a tramp, I adore him

# Even I have got it pretty bad... #

# Summertime

# And the livin' is easy

# Fish are jumpin'

# And the cotton is high... #

-Oh...

-PANEL LAUGHS

# If your time to you is worth saving

# You'd better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone

# For the times they are a-changin'. #

I tell you what, the Tory candidate wins for me.

He didn't turn up.

-John Hemming was good, wasn't he?

-With the guitar?

-Pity he didn't tune it.

-Which was a shame.

He was the Lib Dem rep on my corridor at university - yeah.

Our school didn't have a corridor.

This is the Labour campaign, which has attracted criticism

after Ed Miliband was interviewed

by self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand.

From New York, older brother David Miliband

has already cast his vote for Labour.

He tweeted a pictured of the sealed postal vote with the caption...

Though that could be a reminder of what time to make his next

anonymous threatening phone call to him.

Paul and Michael, take a look a this.

All right, yes - David Cameron with George Osborne, factory visit...

Oh - he's turning a bit hazy.

Politicians doing what they do just before an election arrives.

I think this was the week that David Cameron, I think,

was being criticised for not showing passion and energy for the campaign.

Yes - he's unexpectedly done something very specific to himself.

-What did he describe...?

-Pumped himself up.

He has pumped himself up, that is exactly right.

Which is an odd metaphor, really -

just think, a lot of hot air going into a...

Yes - so, where did David Cameron decide to start pumping himself up?

-Where?

-Yes.

I mean geographically, where?

Was it in the Goole area?

He was visiting the Institute of Chartered Accountants.

-Ah, yes, I see.

-That's a really pumped-up kind of place.

Exactly right.

-Do you want to have a little look at this?

-Yeah.

If I'm getting lively about it,

it's because I feel bloody lively about it.

If you think I'm going to roll over in the next ten days

and let Ed Miliband and Alex Salmond wreck that,

you've got another thing coming.

Taking a risk, having a punt, having a go -

that pumps me up.

I think that passes for hysteria among the accountants.

As well as being "bloody lively" and "pumped up",

what else is David Cameron going to do?

-He's not going to put up taxes.

-He's not going to put up taxes.

-More than that, though.

-How is going to ensure...?

He's going to pass a law to stop people like...himself

putting up taxes.

It's the most pathetic gesture I've ever seen.

Saying, "Look, I can't be trusted not to just whack up income tax

"as soon as I get in, so I'm going to pass a law

"to stop me."

-Income tax, VAT and national insurance.

-Yeah.

And any government that comes in, historically,

the first thing they do is put up taxes, cos they have to,

and it's the only year you can do it

where you're not worried about the election.

So taxes will go up. He'll have to find some other ones.

Or break the law, and be arrested.

Or maybe he knows he's not getting in any way.

Ooh, the Kent police.

George Osborne was very good on this in 2009,

cos Brown was talking about passing legislation.

-Yeah - Gordon Brown outlawed child poverty.

-Yeah.

Gone - thank God for that.

Don't have to worry about that any more(!)

It's against the law - finished.

Um, which football team does David Cameron support?

-Aston Villa.

-Well, he doesn't really know, does he?

He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter,

but then he said this in a speech...

Where you can support Man United, the Windies

and Team GB all at the same time.

Course, I'd rather you supported West Ham - uh...

PANEL LAUGHS

He seemed to realise he'd said the wrong thing.

How did he explain his mistake?

"I don't support West Ham or Aston Villa.

"I've no interest in football - we played rugger where I come from.

"But a lot of people watch football,

"so I pretended to have an interest in it

"in order to gain their votes."

Well, he gave another explanation, as well,

-to Lorraine on ITV.

-To Lorraine!

-Yeah.

Oh, sorry, he HAS done the tough interview, then(!)

Sorry.

He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake, because...

Which, um...

LAUGHTER

Which of us hasn't done that?

-So, what happened when...

-JINGLE PLAYS

Ah, now, yes, that is the noise we've all been waiting for,

heralding another of our bonus buzzer election rounds.

Well, that's putting it a bit strong.

I don't know if we've ALL been waiting for it.

I don't know about you, but that really pumps me up, that.

-The, er...

-LAUGHTER

-The category is...

-Yes?

-Random questions.

-Random questions!

-So, fingers on buzzers.

-Yeah, fingers on buzzers.

In a recent interview, Green Party leader Natalie Bennett

said she was the only leader who could do this.

It involves an animal - what is it?

LAUGHTER

-Shear a sheep.

-Oh, yes.

-Exactly what she can do.

-Yeah.

-She can shear a sheep.

-Yeah.

-Brilliant.

-During an interview on Magic Radio,

-what did David Cameron say William Hague...?

-Magic Radio!

Another toughie!

During this interview,

what did David Cameron say William Hague could do with his kneecaps?

Put them behind his ears?

Put them behind his head?

-Not HIS ears.

-Twist them around.

-Not HIS ears.

Oh - somebody else's ears?

David Cameron said of William Hague...

Cos you never know when you're going to need to do that.

What have Channel 4 decided to do to get their viewers out and voting?

Yeah, E4's going to stop broadcasting, isn't it?

-Shutting down for the day.

-Shutting down for the day.

-Absolutely.

-Yes.

-To get the young out.

-Yes.

What about if you had plans that day to go vote

and then reward yourself with a bit of Hollyoaks omnibus?

You're going to have to just sit at home with the screen blank

and stab yourself in the eye.

To get that same feeling.

Fingers on buzzers, everyone.

OK, this is an observational question, next.

Who can tell me what's wrong

with this Labour leaflet from West Suffolk?

LAUGHTER

Ironically, "bullet point text of about 15 words to go here"

has turned out to be one of Labour's best policies.

What has Jeremy Vine decided NOT to do on election night?

Consort with a prostitute.

He's decided not to do that.

He never has done it before, I should make quite clear.

And I very much doubt he's ever thought about it.

-According to the Guardian...

-Yeah.

-At night.

-Yeah!

A hot-air balloon at night.

We're coming into the final straight of this election -

-that's when things get really interesting.

-Yeah.

-Let's take a look at this race to the finish.

-Yeah.

Ah...

He's missing a sponsorship opportunity there.

I think it's O2.

If his name was Bob he could just put a B on each buttock.

David Cameron is actually a genuine Villa fan.

He clearly remembers Villa winning the 1982 European Cup final

when Peter Withe scored that amazing try in the last minute.

The Mail reported that in one of his new pumped up speeches

David Cameron shouted...

To which the roofers and the plumbers said,

"Could we have that in Polish, please?"

And so it is to round two, the Jigsaw of News.

Onto our buzzers once again - buzz when you know what it is.

BUZZER

Yes, Paul and Michael.

-The royal baby's arrived.

-Has it?!

This is the news that...

-Yes.

-..there is currently no news regarding the royal baby.

No, I think it's wonderful news

that William and Kate have welcomed a little girl.

No, I think it's wonderful news

that Kate and William have welcomed a little boy.

Yes.

And I thought the choice of name was very, very good, didn't you?

I did. Yes.

Stan.

I don't feel the same sense of excitement

about this second royal baby.

Though I am really excited to follow tradition

and question its paternity.

I think... APPLAUSE

..that'll be really fun.

Before the birth, Wills and Kate sent out coffees and pastries

for the loyal supporters camped outside the hospital.

According to the Daily Express,

they were decorated with pink ribbons...

I mean, that's just terrible stereotyping.

It could just as easily have been a gay boy.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Yes, Ian and Katherine.

This was an advertisement which a lot of people objected to.

It was asking people whether their bodies were "beach ready".

Is your body beach ready, Ian?

Yes. Hell, yes.

And those of us, you know, who've already thought about this,

were pretty annoyed - of course it is, yes!

I hate that we're even mentioning them,

because what's worse than this ad

-is their customer service response on Twitter.

-Yes.

-They're just trolling the people who are upset.

-Yes.

It's awful. I didn't have a huge problem with this ad,

until I saw their response to complaints.

Well, let's look at that.

When Twitter user Juliette Burton tweeted...

The company came back with...

Arjun Seth, chief executive of Protein World,

responded by describing the women behind the campaign as...

And we have.

There was a petition started on Twitter.

-60,000 signatures, that has attracted.

-60,000!

Yeah, I can't imagine - is that good?

I don't know, in the context of petitions generally, is that a...?

100,000 you can get a private members' bill in the Commons.

OK, well, there we are.

Halfway there.

-MICHAEL: Just over halfway.

-Thank you very much.

You're not counting on poll night, are you? You're not a counter?

Yeah, I am. That's what... Yeah, that's...

Just for Tower Hamlets.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Independent reports

that people have added their comments to the advert,

such as...

And...

Although this is my favourite.

Ooh, in other news, what are they disgusted about in Tunbridge Wells?

Has a shop opened selling The Guardian?

-No...

-LAUGHTER

No, they are disgusted in Tunbridge Wells because,

according to resident Colin Smart...

Lidl?

Oh, no.

One resident told The Sun he was...

Time now for the Odd One Out Round, just one between you this week,

and your four are...

Salvador Dali, Robo-chef,

two Swiss Guards at The Vatican

and Watson the Computer.

BUZZER

KATHERINE: Salvador Dali has bread on his head,

and this robot's cooking.

I know this Watson computer system can make recipes now,

and those Swiss Guards, um...Ian?

Um, the Swiss Guards are also robots.

-LAUGHING:

-No!

-Watson, Watson the co...

-He can cook, he can smell.

Can't really cook so much, but...

-Smell! Eat!

-..write...

-He can create recipes.

Yes, and when you put lots of recipes together...

It's a cookbook.

-Cookbook, yes.

-They've all produced a cookbook...

-Except for?

-Robo-chef.

-Yes!

Except for Robo-chef, who can only cook other people's recipes.

-Oh, how pathetic.

-Yes.

I'm pretty sure that's not what he looks like.

Robo-chef is a culinary computer who can be taught to cook

any recipe via its robotic arms.

In other news revealed this week, who's this?

Robot woman.

It is a robot woman, exactly right, do you know what she's called?

-Yes.

-MICHAEL: Sarah Palin.

LAUGHTER

-I think she may be Japanese, but I'm not sure.

-She's Japanese.

She's called Yangyang, and she is the first robotic receptionist.

She had been likened to Sarah Palin, although The Times said Yangyang...

Knows more about foreign policy, yes.

The supercomputer Watson, IBM supercomputer,

has recently released a cookbook.

How does it come up with its recipes?

Has he come up with rather unusual combinations

-because he has no sense of taste and smell?

-Exactly right.

Can you hazard a guess at any of those?

Eh, Newport Pagnell stew.

LAUGHTER

-Bethnal sausage.

-Beef in a WD-40 jus.

-Yeah.

-Very nice. The dishes include...

KATHERINE GASPS

Not one to serve up if you've got the Farages coming round.

Oh, God, officer, yes, yeah...

Salvador Dali also wrote a cookbook called Les Diners de Gala.

The Swiss Guards at The Vatican, they've produced a cookbook

based on the favourite meals of the last three popes.

What did the Pope recently take delivery of on his Popemobile?

-Pizza?

-Absolutely right.

EXCITED SHOUTS

KATHERINE: Oh, no.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What's that thing they throw in afterwards?

-The anchovies.

Garlic bread.

Yes, the answer is they have all produced cookbooks,

except for the robot chef, who can only produce other chefs' recipes.

The Vatican cookbook has recipes for pasta, Polish dumplings,

and my favourite - Eggs Benedict XVI.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

You can trust every word - unlike Liar Magazine.

And we start with....

KATHERINE: Irresistible to women.

To become an expert in the world of lutes.

-Erm, I think that's probably good enough.

-So do I.

Writing in Lute News, Susan King of Hobart, Tasmania

wrote that she was...

Adding...

Susan, I really wouldn't worry.

Next...

MICHAEL: Pocket billiards?

Bridge. It's now a sport cos you exercise one muscle - the brain.

Mmm. A High Court judge has ruled that bridge can be

classified as a sport.

At last - my way out of the ghetto.

Next...

Cocky McGhee.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Jimmy Lee.

-No.

His name is Randy Boehning.

MICHAEL: You're kidding?

This is the news that a Republican lawmaker

who voted against gay rights is outed

after posting nude pictures on Grindr.

And finally...

MICHAEL: Jeffrey.

Disloyal attack on a fellow Tory peer, surely!

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Helium.

-This is The Archers radio show, isn't it?

-Oh, yes.

The answer is a real bed.

This is the news that Radio 4's The Archers uses a real bed

to make its love scenes more realistic.

The news, the news!

To simulate the sound of a bed, they use a bed!

Before they got the bed, did they just fuck against the wall?

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Better get the sheep in then.

THUMPING

MICHAEL LAUGHS LOUDLY

Veteran script writer Ken Davies

revealed that sex scenes in The Archers usually involve...

That's what happens after six pints of scrumpy in The Bull.

And so the final scores are...

Paul and Michael are on five,

Ian and Katherine are on seven.

They win!

APPLAUSE

We leave you with news that, after a hard week's campaigning,

David Cameron is dismayed to learn that not only has Nick Clegg

chickened out of their table tennis match,

but he's also ordered the wrong size table.

As Venezuela switches over to the British-style road safety system,

there's concern that something may have been lost in translation.

And following his football gaffe, David Cameron is keen

to show voters in Southport just how much of a fan he is.

Good night!