Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Sue Perkins, and in the news this week,

relaxing on holiday after handing in his resignation,

the boss of Volkswagen lets his wife have a drag on his pipe.

After his report into airport expansion is thrown out by David Cameron,

Sir Howard Davies admits he may have overreacted.

I have dumped on his desk.

And as the media scrutinises his every move for blunders,

Jeremy Corbyn takes time out

at his friend's electrical appliance warehouse at the weekend.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who says she cried at the end of Bake Off. We all cried.

I was inconsolable. I put 50 quid on Tamal to win.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

And with Paul tonight is the man

recently chosen as the Labour candidate

for the London mayor. Charismatic and good-looking...

are just two of Zac Goldsmith's

attributes that he's going to need to

overcome. Please welcome Sadiq Khan.

And we're going to start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Sadiq, take a look at this.

That's not a U-turn. It's the impression of a U-turn.

That's the shadow chancellor, John McDonald.

-That's George Osborne.

-Yes.

-This is the fiscal charter,

which was John's clever plan to give the impression he was going to

support it, but really we were going to oppose it.

We're going to call it what it is.

-It's a U-turn...

-That's outrageous...

-Deal with it.

..on supporting George Osborne's charter for budget responsibility.

Can anyone first of all tell me what Osborne's Charter is?

Yeah, he's trying to make law the fact that you have to run a budget

surplus even in the good times. It's an absolutely ridiculous idea

-in the first place.

-Basically it's bollocks.

-Is that a political term?

-That's the

level of economic analysis you're going to get.

The Chancellor's target was balancing the books by 2020

and then running a surplus every following year in normal times.

We've got tens of billions of pounds' worth of deficit,

so George Osborne is breaking his own rules.

And has broken every prediction he's made since 2010.

So would it have been a good idea to say that originally?

It's not the means that matters, it's the end.

And we got there in the end, Ian.

I know you're the politician,

but I always thought the opposition was there to...oppose.

Two weeks ago at the Labour conference,

shadow chancellor John McDonnell

said Labour would support Osborne's plan.

Why did he then say that? Come on.

-No shilly-shallying.

-Erm...

It was part of the cunning plan.

Oh, yeah. OK.

I don't think this Baldrick thing is going to work.

Well, because it is a gimmick, John said it's complete rubbish and

so we'll just go along to the chamber

and support it because it's just nonsense.

What you're saying is the Labour Party was sort of like,

"Oh, it's a trap. We're not falling for that."

We're going to climb in it.

And then embarrassingly get out.

"It is a trap. Yeah.

"Getting out of that trap that we said it was."

-Just making sure.

-During the debate,

-how did he described his decision to reverse Labour's stance?

-Embarrassing.

-That one?

-Was he a Dalek?

He looked like, you know when you're hungover and you have a memory,

and you go, "Oh, God, no," he just kept saying embarrassing.

Embarrassing.

Stop saying it, you're on telly.

It was like he was having some kind of malfunction.

Sadiq, do you feel it's embarrassing?

Had I known I'd be doing this show on the Friday after,

then I probably would have said no to this show.

-But, look...

-Oh, it could be any week in the next 12.

OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday

night which the Telegraph described as "heated".

-Why was that?

-It's getting cold.

Once October comes...

That's right, that's what it was.

Apparently several members stormed out when McDonald, McDonnell rather,

announced his decision to reject the charter.

One MP said...

It was probably best summed up by Ben Bradshaw, who left the meeting

saying...

Although a McDonnell spokesman

described the meeting as...

Were you at this meeting?

No, it's one of those meetings I missed.

-Is that true?

-I think the words are "plausible deniability".

So, a lie, then.

Sadiq organised Ed's campaign so we can trust him.

Yeah.

It's going to be a long night, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Not as long as his.

Do you think it's... My own theory is...

Go on to the next question. It's the same question all night.

We are teasing it out. You ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, that Bake Off image is gone for good.

That would only be the case if you'd nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the

leadership contest.

You didn't, did you?

I did. And I think...

-You know, I think it's early days yet.

-It is early days...

-You didn't vote for him, though, did you?

-No.

So hang on. You nominated Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yeah.

-OK.

And then you didn't vote for him, you went for Andy Burnham.

-Yeah.

-And you also, as Ian said...

You make it sound as if that was a trick question.

This week we found out what

Jeremy Corbyn's long-standing private engagement was

that prevented him from meeting the Queen and the Privy Council.

-What was he up to?

-He was on holiday in Scotland.

He was having fish and chips and a soft drink at the Ben Nevis

bar and restaurant in Fort William whilst on a walking holiday.

We've got a picture of him relaxing with the pub landlords.

-Nice sweater.

-You can see he's just

smuggled six bags of cheese and onion crisps.

Right under the landlords' nose.

Cos he wasn't at the Privy Council, so he can't get told about

threats like Syria and stuff like that, is that right?

-He doesn't get a security briefing.

-Right.

-Until he turns up.

-Right.

-So he'll have to go at some stage.

But he didn't go this week.

Who here has been to a Privy Council meeting?

-I have.

-Yeah.

-So what's needed?

What do you need to do? What's the initiation ceremony?

The first time you go in there, you swear an oath to the Queen.

And is there any kissing involved, or kneeling?

-I did both.

-Were you required to do both?

I was told those are the rules to get in.

-So you kiss the hand?

-Yeah.

-You don't...

Isn't it you're supposed to brush your nose with it?

No-one told me that so I kissed her hand.

I was told afterwards that I was supposed to have...

Sorry, you met the Queen and you're supposed to do this?

Finally, why might Labour's deputy leader

Tom Watson have been a bit too

distracted this week to notice his party imploding?

He's on full-time paedo duty.

We're all thinking how to phrase it, Ian.

I thought I'd do it technically.

He's roaming round the country

shouting through people's windows, "paedo!"

I can see you in there.

Paedophile. Paedo.

Unfortunately some of the people he's shouting at

aren't paedos. Which is a problem for him.

-And everyone else.

-This is the

Labour Party beginning to fall apart with

just five nail-biting years to go before the general election.

Diane Abbott attempted to defend Labour's U-turn on Radio 4's

Today Programme, but instead, according to The Times...

Leading many in the Labour Party to question her usefulness unless,

of course, you want a game of battleships.

Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

It's a U-turn.

Well, this is the Tory U-turn.

Yes. We were going to provide a prison training

service and they're going

to advise Saudi Arabia on their jails.

It's like, "Is your hand hurting from whipping?"

It's just us sucking up to the Saudis yet again.

But finally someone's called their bluff.

You're absolutely right. This is the famous liberal Michael Gove

affecting the government's...

He is. It's a really liberal move.

Affecting the government's U-turn over supplying Saudi Arabia with

consultancy advice for their prison system worth six million quid.

Why has Cameron U-turned?

Has he only just realised that

Saudi Arabia execute 200 people a year?

No, I think he was aware of it before.

But he didn't care.

It's partly, you know, the Labour Party have raised this issue.

Jeremy Corbyn mentioned it in his speech in Brighton.

And lo and behold, two weeks later

you've got this massive U-turn from the government.

He challenged Cameron about the deal to help the Saudis to

take control of the UN Committee on Human Rights

when they were planning to behead a

teenager for looking at things on the internet.

This is Jon Snow taking Cameron to task.

We in November did a deal with the Saudis,

that we would back them joining the Human Rights Council of the

United Nations, providing they backed us.

This sounds a bit squalid for one of the most human rights-abusing

regimes on earth.

Well, Saudi Arabia is a member of

the United Nations but we completely

-disagree with them.

-Well, why did you

want them inside the human rights...?

We completely disagree with them about the punishment routines,

about the death penalty, about those issues.

Well, why did you do this deal, then?

They're not the right sort of people to be doing any sort of deal on

-human rights.

-We totally oppose their record in that area.

-Why did we do it?

-Well, I say, we totally oppose their record.

-No, but why did we do it?

-I've answered the question.

Well, that isn't an answer, is it?

Was Saudi Arabia always called Saudi Arabia?

-It was given to the Saud family, King Saud.

-That's right.

So it's as though England was known as Lizland.

It sounds like a Queen-related theme park, Lizland.

Get a ride on the Duke of Edinburgh.

Can I just say, if Her Majesty is watching,

-as a member of the Privy Council...

-If she's watching?!

..I apologise profusely for what your subjects are saying.

She's not watching this, she's watching Piers Morgan

interview the Bee Gees on Life Stories.

If she is watching, she's saying,

"There's the guy who snogged my hand as opposed to doing that."

OK, we'll stay with the broad news.

Is that how we're referring to the Queen these days?

"The broad". That's not very good, is it?

Who wants Britain to stay in a broad?

Richard Branson, all sensible people,

people who aren't xenophobes and

people who like us to have jobs and growth in this country.

You made a distinction between Richard Branson

and all sensible people.

Any other prominent names?

What about Jeremy? He's got a bit of form on wanting to leave, hasn't he?

I think you'll find we're definitely in favour of saving Europe, Ian.

This week anyway.

When can we expect a solid answer?

I think you've heard it here tonight,

we're going to campaign to stay in the EU.

This is a breaking news now?

You've decided it on a comedy panel show?

All former prime ministers, they're in.

-Did you see that?

-Yes.

-They all agree.

-Who haven't they got that they really want?

Mary Berry.

I couldn't possibly comment on her views on Europe, mainly...

Can't get a sensible word out of her after about eight o'clock.

What sort of words do you get after eight o'clock?

So who can you think of that would really seal the deal?

-Boris Johnson.

-Indeed.

-He went to a trade mission where?

-He's in Japan.

-Yeah.

What did he say that was seized on by the press in regards to Europe?

Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, Europe.

Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, Europe. Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

He said...

I don't know if he travels easyJet but that was the statement about it.

Where else has Britain been falling down in our dealings with abroad?

Is it war?

We've come up short in a war?

We didn't turn up? We thought you said 11.

In terms of diplomacy,

what might one do when you visit somebody from a foreign land?

You take along a gift of some kind.

Absolutely. According to Anna Soubry,

we've given some very poor quality gifts.

We, in return, received some quite nice gifts.

What did the Queen get? What was she given in Fiji?

Was it Fiji?

I've got one of these.

-A lake.

-Small islands.

-Not a lake.

I was going to say something that swims at it but it doesn't,

-something that perhaps is in a river.

-A whale.

Yes, it is a whale, what bit of the whale?

-What?

-A bit of a whale.

She got bits of whale?

She got a bit of a whale.

That's a, I mean...

You can't get a whole whale - that's a massive gift.

It makes sense, it's the whole whale.

Do you have to still pretend you

don't know what it is when you unwrap it?

Is it a bike?

That's the thing, when gift-wrapping a whale,

-would you cover the blowhole or not?

-I think you'd have to.

For reasons of national security.

Otherwise you'd be giving it away, wouldn't you?

-Obviously.

-Your Christmas present

has just eaten 5,000 tonnes of plankton.

It wasn't a whole whale. Can I say, it was not a whole whale.

You're saying it's not as bad cos it was wasn't a whole whale,

that's why I'm upset. Was it just his eyes?

No, slightly lower than the eyes.

His nose. Do they have noses?

Was it a whale tooth?

Yes, it was. In my sad universe,

I like to think they painlessly extracted

and then let it go on its way.

-Don't tell me.

-This is for the Queen.

No, they did it really nicely and there was music playing in the

background. A really nice dentist.

Whale music.

To calm him down as hundreds of his peers are watching.

Yeah. I don't know how big a...

-How big would a whale's tooth be?

-Oh, he'd have to adjust the chair.

Well, if you think a tooth from a sperm whale is good,

what did the islanders of Tanna in the South Pacific give the

Duke of Edinburgh?

Was it the rest of the whale? You can match them.

I tell you this as a clue, I don't think he'd already got one of these.

Was it a Wham! album?

-They gave him...

-Yes?

For the man who has everything.

Well, who has a straw penis, presumably.

Who's been getting a gift from the Russians, on a more serious note?

Are you doing a gift in the real sense of a gift or like a bad gift?

This is a bad gift.

-Oh, right, OK.

-This is specifically about the gift from the Russians to

President Assad of Syria.

Russia has been bombing all of his

opponents, including on occasions Isis.

They started firing cruise missiles from the ships in the Caspian,

930 miles away, and four missiles landed in...?

-Iran.

-Iran, indeed.

Amazon missile - if you're not in, go next door.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the government's U-turn on the Saudi prison contract.

Britain is involved in a row with

Saudi Arabia over the cancellation of a

prison deal and the threat to flog one of our citizens.

Saudi Arabia is not a sensible place for a bloke to drink alcohol

because if you do get drunk,

you can't even get your wife to drive you home.

And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here is the first one.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Paul and Sadiq.

-This is the news

that from now on there will be no more

nude woman in Playboy magazine.

Why have they come to that sensible decision?

They're going to use actual rabbits now, but with human ears.

-And human bums.

-Human bums?

Human bums. Human-bummed rabbits

will be serving drinks from January 1st.

They have actually realised...

You'll know this, Ian, that the reason...

It's down to the influence of online pornography.

Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told reporters...

Just one click, Ian. One click away.

In dropping nudity from the magazine,

who are they now trying to appeal to?

-Younger people.

-Yes.

-Specifically?

-Children.

-Playbaby.

-It's a job for Tom Watson.

They actually said they want to appeal to...

It's a kick in the teeth for all those rural masturbators.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER SOUNDS

An American woman, her nephew ran to her arms,

and shouted, "I love you,"

and as he landed on her, he broke her shoulder.

This is like two years ago, and she is suing her nephew for £125,000.

Is right. This is indeed the news

that a woman in the US who took her

12-year-old nephew to court has been awarded zero damages.

Hooray.

Common sense has prevailed.

And you rightly said that the aunt, Jennifer Connell,

claimed her nephew had left her with a broken wrist.

Her lawyer claimed...

But the nephew who was eight at the time of the hug...

Crucially, as part of the evidence, how was poor aunt Jenny,

as I think we should rightly refer to her,

how is she still suffering from the hug?

She finds it impossible to carry out a full Nazi salute.

Well, you're on the right track.

-Am I?

-She told the court at a recent dinner party she found it...

That was just for starters.

In other crime news, what happened to a man in Lima this week,

who attempted to break into a shop in just his undercrackers?

Was it a trousers shop?

-Yes.

-He went straight in,

put on a pair of trousers and said "Thank goodness for that.

"No-one can no see my under... crackers."

Undercrackers. If only he'd got as far as the trouser shop.

He actually got stuck and then got caught.

-Wow.

-Dear.

On the plus side, he did win the Turner Prize.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here we go.

BUZZER SOUNDS

This is... The Times is now having a Latin crossword.

What does that say in Latin?

-What does that mean?

-Quam famam...

To you, I bring you, news.

Have I Got News For You, it means.

Absolutely. The Times have finally

printed their long-awaited sequel to the

1930 Latin crossword.

And in waiting 85 years,

they probably wanted the one person who started it to actually finish.

The questions are a mix of straight and mildly cryptic clues,

mainly in English with the answers in Latin.

22 across is a particularly hard clue.

I mean, I don't even understand the clue.

Presumably this is the sort of thing you would get

at a new grammar school.

Yeah, and they'd probably knock it off in 20 minutes.

Yeah. Talking of grammar schools,

does anybody know about the government plans

to approve the first new grammar school in 50 years?

Yeah, it's an extension of the Weald of Kent School.

-Very good school.

-Did you go to that school?

You think I went to a grammar school?

I'm so terribly sorry.

Gosh, we've had some rude people on the show...

Forgive me, sir. This is the news

that as part of their fight-back against

the decline of print journalism,

The Times have published a Latin crossword.

It's hoped that this new puzzle

will raise interest in Latin to negligible.

Really?

Time now for the odd one out round.

It's just one between you this week.

-Oh, no.

-And your four are...

Sadiq Khan. There you are.

Michael Portillo. Jon Snow.

And a Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.

This is about bastards.

I thought you all had, like, teeth missing.

It is about bastards.

That's the clue because Jon Snow from Game of Thrones is a bastard.

Please do that voice again.

Please do the voice again.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Jon Snow, winter is coming.

He's a bastard. Michael Portillo was described as a bastard by John Major

when he rebelled.

Sadiq Khan described the entire

electorate as bastards

when they didn't vote Ed Miliband in.

-Is that not true?

-No, it's not.

-Oh, right. OK.

-I was alleged to have said that all voters are bastards.

Oh, right, but you didn't say that?

-No, I didn't say that.

-So this story is not true?

-No. It's not true.

-Oh, right, well there is no link then.

That fish is a bastard.

Bastards is right, but who is the odd one out?

-The fish is the odd one out.

-No, not the fish.

-Oh.

-Sadiq.

Absolutely. They've all been called bastards,

-except Sadiq, who called voters...

-Allegedly.

-..allegedly...

How are you planning to get those bastards back onside before the...?

Before the mayoral elections next year?

Did you see Boris's slogan in attempting to back Goldsmith?

He said from now on it was back Zac and crack London's problems.

So, Michael Portillo, as you said, 1993,

along with two other MPs,

he was called a disloyal bastard

by then prime minister John Major.

Speaking about the incident in 2013,

what did Mr Major have to say about his use of words?

I was absolutely accurate in what I said and I wish I'd used stronger

-language.

-Pretty much it. How he phrased it was this...

Adding...

He followed his outburst over the bastards with a reference to

Lyndon Johnson's maxim about J Edgar Hoover.

To be honest, on Bake Off, we're just the same with Mary Berry.

So Jon Snow, as you said,

is the illegitimate son of Ned Stark in TV series

Game of Thrones and is often referred to as Ned Stark's bastard.

Game of Thrones' mix of intrigue,

violence and boobs have unsurprisingly

helped make it a firm hit with politicians.

Does anyone here watch it? No-one a fan? No.

-You are a fan?

-Yeah.

-What draws you, is it the intrigue,

-the violence or the boobs?

-Yeah,

with Playboy gone, that's all there is.

It's just the violence, I'll be honest.

Let me try and pronounce this correct.

Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.

It's a newly recognised fish, actually,

that's been caught off the coast of Queensland, Australia.

And given the name blue bastard. According to the Daily News,

the blue bastard is a member of

what anglers call...

Lonely hobby, angling.

Time now for the missing words round,

which this week features as its guest publication Merry-Go-Roundup,

the National Carousel Association's newsletter.

And for those wondering about its circulation, once every 30 seconds.

And we're going to start with what...

The Bible.

The Nazi war trials after the Second World War.

It's a famed writer.

A famed writer - Ernest Hemingway.

-Bill Bryson.

-It was somebody who was a renowned diarist.

-Samuel Pepys.

-Bridget Jones.

No, she did actually, she said they were v.v.v. good.

The renowned diarist of the mid-17th century,

Samuel Pepys, made no mention of merry-go-rounds.

This is from Merry-Go-Roundup.

The magazine have criticised Samuel Pepys for mentioning the restoration

of Charles II, the Fire of London,

the Second Dutch War and the

Great Plague and yet somehow missing out the advent of the carousel.

They are furious.

Next up we got...

Marches into Czechoslovakia.

The trees are so much nicer here.

I have look at my map.

-I do not know...

-We were in it together, to be fair.

Yeah, exactly. What's the worst

thing a German Forestry Minister could do?

-Set fire to a tree.

-Yes. Starts forest fire.

Finally...

Duck wearing bowtie walks into pub,

drinks pint and the landlord says,

"That'll be five quid." And the duck says,

"Do you get many ducks in here?" He says, "no" and he says,

"I'm not surprised if you're charging five quid a pint."

And that's the end of that.

Drinks pint and then a dog comes in and is like,

"Listen, I'm sick of you hanging around here."

You're right.

This is Scar the duck,

who got into a fight with a dog after drinking beer in a Devon pub.

According to the Mirror, the duck...

It doesn't specify what the act is,

although it is rather worrying that the duck has to be drunk to do it.

So, the final scores, they are close.

We have Paul and Sadiq on seven,

and narrowly in the lead, Ian and Roisin with eight.

But before we go, there's just time for

the caption competition. Ian and Roisin have this.

Lib Dem conference sell out.

Paul and Sadiq, you get this one.

I hear there's going to be a duck down the pub tonight.

He goes anywhere near my pint...

I hear he's got a bowtie on.

I'll have him.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty, Paul Merton and Sadiq Khan.

And I leave you with news that after Australia topped their group in the

Rugby World Cup, one fan totally overdoes it on the beers.

After Robert Peston announces his defection to ITV,

Nick Robinson hopes will finally get his go with the BBC wig.

And as two sisters win a fancy dress contest in St Petersburg,

the runner-up simmers with rage at the injustice.

Good night.