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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:10 | 0:00:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:26 | |
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
I'm Michael Sheen. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
In the news this week... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
At the Great British Bake Off end of series party, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
there's a rare chance to really let her hair down for Mary Berry... | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
At an assessment centre in Carlisle, there's evidence | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
that the controversial Atos "fit to work" tests | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
are becoming even harsher... | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
And filming begins on a new series of Miranda | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
set 200 years in the future. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and Leeds fan | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
who presents a radio show that mixes football and comedy - | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
in much the same way that Leeds United do. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Please welcome Jon Richardson! | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party, | 0:01:42 | 0:01:46 | |
whose hobbies include hiking in the Scottish Highlands. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
In fact, she's never happier | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
than when she's walking 500 miles, then walking 500 more. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
Please welcome Ruth Davidson, MSP! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
And we start with the bigger stories of the week. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Paul and Ruth, take a look at this. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who's come to visit. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
There he is, there, seeing all the sights of London. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Meeting of the minds... | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
..and some of the protests, which he probably couldn't see... | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
and, "Come behind this door and we'll just startle a little woman." | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
-Ooh! -There she is. -There she is. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
There's a tradition where all the heads of state come along | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
and startle this little woman every year. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
So, yeah, it's President Xi - is it, I think? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
Or 11, if you're talking about Roman numerals. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Essentially, it's putting on a big show, you know - | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
in China it's been reported as, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
"Our President's been met by every member of the royal family, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
"he's been greeted like one of the great world leaders that he is," | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
and they exchanged presents. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:47 | |
The Queen gave him a leatherbound edition of Shakespeare - | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
a book, presumably, rather than the actual playwright - | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
and she was given two CDs of his wife singing folk songs, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
so expect it in a car-boot sale in the Windsor area. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
The next five or six weeks, look out for those CDs, | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
cos they'll be there. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Yes, this is the first Chinese state visit since who? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
Oh, when was he president? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Er, indeed - President Hu. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
-Hu Jintao. -Right, yes. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
Yeah. Now it's "She's" turn. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
Yeah. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
This is going to be a long round, isn't it? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
20,000 people lined the Mall to wave and cheer at Xi Jinping. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:35 | |
Who were they? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
I think three of them were Tibetan monks, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
and 19,997 were members of the Red Army - in tracksuits. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:46 | |
Pretending to be ordinary Chinese people. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
I can't prove that. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Welcome to another edition of I Can't Prove That. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Did you see where the flags | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
and other pro-Xi Jinping merchandise came from? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
Boxes that were handed out round the back door of the Chinese embassy, | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
as far as we could tell. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
It's all about image, really, in the end... | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
and the fact that we are allowing the Chinese | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
to run a nuclear power station in our country. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
We've managed to get China to invest in this nuclear reactor, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
but we have to guarantee their investment. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
We have to guarantee the investment | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
of the richest country in the entire world, | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
saying, "If you lose any money, we'll pay." | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
-That's not an investment. -No. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
That's a bribe. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:28 | |
-There's nothing could go wrong there. -No! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
I think they're all right - they already own PizzaExpress, | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
and they haven't touched dough balls. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese - | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
They have - they've mentioned it carefully over dinner. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
If I invited Oscar Pistorius round for dinner this week, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
I don't think I'd get much credit for saying, "I tell you what, | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
"I'll give him a withering look over the pork and stilton, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
"I tell you that much." | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
I thought Scotland came out of it pretty well. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
Laura Kuenssberg absolutely nailed the Chinese Premier to a wall, | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
-and we got a £2 billion... -She absolutely nailed him to the wall?! | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
All her questions were devastating. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
I mean, I don't think a press conference is one question, | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
but what a question she asked - | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
and, yeah, we got a £2 billion bus deal, and we got to keep our pandas, | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
so, we did all right. Yeah! | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
- Did they come for your pandas? - Well, nobody's taking our pandas. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
They're not very fertile, but we still love them. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
But ineffectively. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
Yeah. Not... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
They don't really love each other. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
I don't understand why... | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Like, we've been showing off how rich we are, but then asking for money. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
I don't understand...like, even he knows, in China, | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
there's some tact to pretending to be poor. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
So, like, he gets photographed in a modest restaurant having dumplings - | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
and then he gets here, and we're flaunting... | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Like, he must have gone mad when he met the Queen, like, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
"How are we getting to dinner - are we going to walk?" | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
She goes, "We'll get pulled in a gold carriage." | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
"Oh, really? What do you want to talk about?" | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
"You couldn't lend us £3 billion, could you?" | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
It's a good thing it wasn't a steel carriage. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
Yeah. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:05 | |
AUDIENCE: Ohhh... | 0:06:05 | 0:06:06 | |
Bad taste to bring up the collapse of the British steel industry? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
Partly China's fault, really, for just dumping steel on us. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
All these new jobs | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
that the Tory Party say that Chinese investment's going to produce - | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
I mean, we lost nearly that many this week, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
in the steel industry. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
The Government haven't done anything, and I get the horrible feeling | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
that David Cameron's watched The Full Monty, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
and he doesn't understand that that's not a viable option for everyone. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
"I watched an incredible documentary | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
"about the steel industry this week, and I..." | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
How did Jeremy Corbyn express himself | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
on British job losses and human rights to Xi Jinping? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
They had a private meeting - | 0:06:48 | 0:06:49 | |
and there was a picture of them shaking hands. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
Have you got the pic? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
-No? -Have I got the pig? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
-Were you not told about the pig - the lucky pig? -No! | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
We stroke the lucky pig on the fourth show of every series. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
I'm not going on if we're not stroking the lucky pig. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
I thought we were back to Cameron again. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Not such a lucky pig. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
The pic, "Have I seen the pic?" | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
-Sorry, it's my diction. -I'm so sorry. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
When I'm not on with a proper actor it all just goes. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
-Here they are. -"Tell me about this communism. How does it work?" | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
Who's asking who? | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
The camera loves Jeremy. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
Or at least he thinks it does. He's always staring back at it. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Who are these people looking at me? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
What's the other terrible thing about President Xi | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
that the Mirror discovered? | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
Were his trousers too long? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
His trousers are touching the carpet. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Did you see the state of his cuff links? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
Steel. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Yeah. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Yes, the Mirror noticed that his trousers were touching the carpet. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Way Too Long... | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
It's coming. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:24 | |
..is the name of his tailor. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:27 | |
So, what were the Buckingham Palace staff | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
forbidden to do while the Chinese delegation was staying there? | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
-Stare at them. -Stare at them. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
They weren't allowed to poke them with sticks? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
They were not allowed to use Wi-Fi in case too much internet activity | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
slowed down the broadband speed for the Chinese. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
So the Queen must have one of those crappy Virgin Media hubs. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:55 | |
Prince Charles managed to avoid the royal banquet | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
and other formal business but what job did Prince William have? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:04 | |
He had to be Your Royal Lowness | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
to the highest man in China, which is their basketball player. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
So there's all these pictures of him | 0:09:09 | 0:09:10 | |
being looked down on a man who is supposed to be one of the epitomes | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
of Chinese sporting prowess. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
It's all about status but luckily we complied. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
He was indeed lecturing the Chinese on the evils of the ivory trade | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
and he met a very tall man. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
What is sinister about Yao Ming - for it is he - | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
according to the Mail? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
The Mail said he's not naturally tall, | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
but he was bred in a super-secret Bond villian-esque | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
genetic mutation programme to be somebody that could play basketball | 0:09:39 | 0:09:44 | |
and look down on British royals. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
Is that right? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
According to the Mail. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:48 | |
So this is the Chinese President's lavish state visit to Britain. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
The meal was served to musical accompaniment from... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
It was either them or the | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
Duchess of Kent's Rhythm and Blues Explosion. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Addressing the sensitive issue of human rights | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
the Chinese President declared... | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
A doctrine put forward by China's leading political philosopher, | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
Fuk Yu. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
Ian and Jon, take a look at this. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Pieces of paper. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
The tax credits, don't mention them. And that's some protesters. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
Someone who's never been to a funeral before | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
and doesn't know you don't just write the name on the side of a box. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:59 | |
It's the tax credits, they put them through. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
And the idea was that it was unfair to give people who were | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
working tax credits, their employers should pay and top it up. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
Now the bill's gone through, | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
there's no mechanism for making the employers pay | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
so you're just taking away lots of money | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
from the poorest section of society. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
And there's been a rebellion by all these leftie Tories, | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
which is the embarrassing thing. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
Because you'd expect the other side to be against them | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
but you rather hope your own side might be with you. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
Three million low-paid families will lose an average of £1,300 per year. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:34 | |
But what's Osborne's plan | 0:11:34 | 0:11:35 | |
to make everybody feel a little bit better about it? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
He's going to resign? | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
That figure actually comes from the statistical body they set up | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
to come up with independent figures that everyone could believe. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:50 | |
The body comes up with that figure | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
and they go, "Oh, no. That's rubbish. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
"I've got better figures here on this envelope." | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
He plans an increase in personal tax allowance | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
and a higher national living wage. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
You'd think if the living wage was the panacea they claim it to be | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
that they wouldn't reprimand their own cleaning staff | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
when they ask for it. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
-That was a weird reaction, wasn't it? -That was a Question Time reaction. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:18 | |
I might do a joke about a Chinese name in a minute, Michael. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
I was disappointed we missed out Wi Fi, | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I thought there was an opportunity there. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Did Cameron say he wouldn't cut tax credits before the election? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
Yeah, he did. But it's naive to imagine he was going to stick to it. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
Will you put to bed rumours you plan to cut Child Tax Credit | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
and restrict Child Benefits to two children? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
Thank you, Jenny, for that question. No, I don't want to do that. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
This report that was out today is something I rejected | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
at the time as prime minister and I reject it again today. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
Are you saying absolutely, as a guarantee... | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
First of all, Child Tax Credit we increased by £450. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
-And it's not going to fall? -Not going to fall. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
It's unclear, isn't it? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
People don't really remember what you promise before an election. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
They don't punish you for it. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
I was speaking to an ice cream driver near me called Nick Clegg. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
Ruth, you're a Conservative. Are you in favour of these cuts? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
Do you know, we've got a lot of people back into work | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
and we want to make sure they're not worse off for being in work. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
And that's what all of this has been about. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:29 | |
-Yeah, there's a lot of us that are very angry... -So that's a yes? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
Do you think George Osborne's going to do a U-turn? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
I would like to see some movement by the autumn statement. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
Movement round that way? | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
Something else you've said on the record in the past | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
is how important it is to stick to the economic plan. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
Let's not undo all of the hard work of the last five years. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
It is the stability that has got our country back on track, | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
that's allowed us to grow faster than this over the past five years. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
How's that been going? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
One good thing did come out of the debate. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Two of the sexiest new Tory MPs finally got a bit of airtime. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:13 | |
-Who was that? -Jacob Rees-Mogg... | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
Heidi Allen is going to be a firm favourite for a long time to come. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Indeed, Heidi Allen. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
RUTH: She looks like a 1980s ballad singer | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
with the wind machine through the flowing locks. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
JON: Has she hired a wind machine for that shot? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
She must have done. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
Just listening to the Chancellor. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
And the other one is Johnny Mercer. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
He was in the army, wasn't he? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:42 | |
Oh, yes, those are army trousers, aren't they? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Camouflage trousers, they'll be quite difficult to see at first. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
RUTH: Was he not in a shower gel advert or something like that? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
I believe it was a Dove soap commercial. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Well, there's some speculation about him | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
advertising for an assistant for his Parliamentary office | 0:14:58 | 0:15:03 | |
because dozens and dozens of women applied, having seen | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
the pictures of him lathering himself up | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
in a shower gel commercial. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
And his wife stepped in and he had to hire a male assistant, | 0:15:10 | 0:15:14 | |
apparently, because she was so worried about it. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
That's never caused a problem for the Tories before. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:20 | |
That'll stop any scandal, that will. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
It's better off this way, love, then we can share a hotel room. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Labour have had their own problems this week. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
What did we learn about Jeremy Corbyn's political adviser, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
Andrew Fisher? | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
He tweets. A lot of rather bad-tempered stuff. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:43 | |
About members of the Labour Party. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:44 | |
It's been revealed that last year he | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
described the Labour frontbench as... | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
He described Jack Straw as... | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
You can see everyone's warming to him. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
And Tony Blair as... | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
-Can anyone do an impersonation of Tony Blair? -No. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
Corbyn's ally and former lover, Diane Abbott, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:18 | |
is apparently being sidelined. Why is that? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
Is it cos she's not very good? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
And she says mad things on the Today programme and then laughs a lot. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
According to the Sunday Times, | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
senior Labour Party sources say it's because of her... | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
So, this is the tax credit cuts, | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
or as the rest of the Tory party called them, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
George Osborne's tax credit cuts. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
One Tory MP spoke out and warned | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
that the measures would hit the most vulnerable, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
leaving them with the choice of... | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Which instantly set off an alarm in the ITV games show office. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
And so to round two. The Strengthometer of News. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
BUZZER | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
-So, this is the news that the Scots... -Hang on, hang on. -Oh, shit! | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
I buggered this up in rehearsal as well. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
You got carried away with your Strengthometer, didn't you? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
-I'm sorry. -Maybe we should answer it first before you do. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
-Yes. Someone buzzed in, didn't they? -Ian did. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
Right, shall I just say it's over to you because you buzzed? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
-Yes, let's do that. -OK, let's do this properly. -Yes. This is acting. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:48 | |
Watch me. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:52 | |
Yes, Ian and Jon? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Yeah, see? | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
I think Jon had the answer. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
It's Craig Joubert, isn't it, who broke Scottish hearts this week. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
He made a mistake and now we're all out of the World Cup. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
But we have to carry on hosting it like good hosts. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
I think we should just pack up the stadiums and tell them | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
to have it on their own half of the planet. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
That's the most churlish round of applause I've ever heard. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Yes, this is the news that the Scots clinched | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
defeat from the jaws of victory | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
for the second time in the last year. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
The South African referee Craig Joubert, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
who gave a last minute penalty to Australia, | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
at the end of the game, he sprinted from the centre of the pitch | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
and people said it was a terribly bad thing and his pal came out | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
and said he was only running cos he really needed the loo. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
I tell you what, if I had 40,000 Scots at Twickenham shouting at me, | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
I'd be crapping it as well, so I'm not surprised he went to the loo. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
So, Ruth, everyone makes mistakes, is all forgiven? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
Um...yes, as long as he never referees for us again. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:10 | |
Well, this is what you tweeted after the game. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Were you a bit tipsy when you sent that tweet? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Well, my partner is Irish | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
and the Ireland game was on directly before the Scotland game, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
so we may have been enjoying a convivial atmosphere | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
in Edinburgh's finest wining and dining establishments | 0:19:34 | 0:19:39 | |
for seven hours by the time that tweet was sent, yes. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
And to be fair, you were probably still rat-arsed | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
from when England went out the week before. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Any other tweets you may have regretted? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Ruth said, of kicker Greig Laidlaw... | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
Wow, that would be quite a conversion. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
There are a lot of people that tweeted back. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
Especially heterosexual married men that said they felt the same. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:18 | |
Are we back to nailing people against the wall? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
Are you asking? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
Should the rest of us just discreetly leave at this point? | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Oh, is that the time? | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
-We're off. -In other sports news, | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Slovakian football team TJ Tatra Cierny Balog | 0:20:39 | 0:20:44 | |
have to put up with this unexpected sight at matches. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:49 | |
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Now, you see, if it was like that, I would go to football. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:10 | |
If there were more steam trains going up and down, yeah, absolutely. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
This is Scotland's heartbreaking exit from the Rugby World Cup. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
According to the Mail... | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
Still, it's not the worst thing a South African sprinter has done. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
GROANS | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
What the...? What is it? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
-It's a ghostly apparition. -Is it a ghostly apparition? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Is this Alex Salmond? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
-He believes in ghosts? -Er, no... | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
-All right, OK. -Not yet. -Oh, I see. Is that a clue? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
JON: A sexy ghost. It's a busty ghost who lives in a museum. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:57 | |
It's a new show for CBBC. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
It's called Spooky Booby Lady. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
Yes, this is the discovery of Britain's sexiest ghost, | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
who has left her fingerprints on an Egyptian mummy's coffin in Torquay. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:17 | |
The Egyptian Empire spread a bit, didn't it? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
It got as far as Torquay, blimey. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
According to the Mirror, she... | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
..and according to the Daily Star, she has... | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Were these fingerprints on the mummy's coffin definitely | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
the sexy ghost? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
No... | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
because there are no ghosts. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
Well, apparently so, and according to the museum manager... | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
JON: Oh, my God. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
It's a ghost of a woman with seven men - it's Snow White. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
-Staying on the subject of... -Yes, let's(!) | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
-..the paranormal. -Yeah. -Who else recently revealed... -Ah! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
..that they had seen ghosts? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
The sexy leader... | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
-The buxom Alex Salmond. -Yes, it was Alex Salmond. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
He told reporters... | 0:23:24 | 0:23:25 | |
The man currently on a train to Devon... | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Hello, there. Would you like to see | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
"my SNPenis?" | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
RUTH: Oh, no! | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
So, this is the apparition in a Torquay museum that's been dubbed... | 0:23:59 | 0:24:03 | |
The museum manager claimed the haunted exhibit is... | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
..and having seen some of the mums in Plymouth, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
I think he might be right. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:15 | |
Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are... | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
Michael Flatley... | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Betty the Chicken... | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
two thirds of Americans... | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
and Ruth Davidson MSP. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
It's something about Twitter. There was a newspaper story saying | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
two thirds of Americans are on Twitter or read Twitter | 0:24:30 | 0:24:35 | |
or have it in the...tap. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
-And you're on it. -There's a chicken shop in Australia | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
that's got a chicken to tweet. I don't know how they do it... | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
-but I think her name's Betty. -That means Flatley is the odd one out, | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
cos he can't tweet cos he can't use his hands, can he? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
Is it about Twitter, or am I going completely wrong? | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
Ruth got the Betty the Chicken bit of it right, | 0:24:56 | 0:24:59 | |
but everything else you've got pretty wrong so far. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
Michael Flatley's on Twitter, isn't he? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
I'll say it again - it's not about Twitter. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
-What is Betty using to tweet? -Keyboard. Mouse. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
Antibacterial wipes. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
None of them use their hands for the activity they're known for. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
They all do things with their feet | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
that you'd normally do with your hands. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
Apart from Betty the Chicken, who does something you'd normally | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
do with your hands with her beak. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
Betty the Chicken has been employed by Australian fast-food chain | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Chicken Treat to run their Twitter account, | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
-using her beak to type. -What do you mean, "She's been employed"? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
-Let's have a look at her in action. -Oh, go on, then, | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
if there's film of her. Oh, yeah, look. I was wrong. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
She's got her own washing machine, as well, look. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
She has in fact managed to write one three-letter word. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
-Egg! -Nnnn...o. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
It would have solved that query, though, wouldn't it? | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
The Mirror writes that the only word she's come up with is... | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
So, what does Michael Flatley do with his feet, apart from dancing? | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
That you would normally do with your hands? Is that what...? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
-WOMAN LAUGHS -Mm-hm. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
There's a woman over here, I think, knows from personal experience. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
She hasn't forgotten it. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-Does he paint? -Ah, that's a good one. -Yes. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
It's been revealed this week that Michael Flatley | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
paints pictures with his feet, that sell for thousands of pounds. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
The auction got off to a very slow start, as everyone | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
kept their arms down by their sides. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
According to a recent survey, two thirds of Americans | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
who use public toilets | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
press the toilet flusher with their feet to avoid germs. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
Americans spend a lot of time in public toilets - | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
mainly hiding from gunmen. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
AUDIENCE GASPS | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Glasgow MSP Ruth Davidson is an accomplished kick boxer. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
Although the three most popular martial arts in Glasgow | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
are judo... | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
jujitsu... | 0:27:15 | 0:27:16 | |
and, "Did you spill my pint, pal?" | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
So, the final scores are... | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
Paul and Ruth have five points, | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
but Ian and John have seven points. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
JON: Cabinet assume position to welcome Chinese Premier. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
And I leave you with news that after the third death in four days, | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
there are suspicions that the organisers | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
of the World Archery Championships | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
may have ordered the wrong umbrellas... | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
One renowned practical joker waits expectantly for his victim | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
to discover where he's hidden the frog... | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
..and as she leaves a work's do in Brighton, | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
one woman is completely unaware she's being eyed up | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
by a male colleague. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
Goodnight. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 |