Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm David Tennant. In the news this week,

there's concern on the beach in Newquay

as David Blunkett goes missing on a surfing holiday.

At Westminster, Labour MP Ben Bradshaw

explains the drawbacks of having an office

directly below the Scottish Nationalists.

Well, twice, I've had urine pouring through from the upstairs gents

through my office ceiling into my office.

And at Stafford Prison,

after his wobbleboard is confiscated,

Rolf Harris is unhappy with the replacement.

On Ian's team tonight is a ceramic artist

who's also on record as being a supporter of the Labour Party.

Well, at three quid a pop, who isn't these days?

Please welcome Grayson Perry.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a comedian and host of BBC Two's search

for the country's best salon stylist in a show called Hair.

Filming was chaotic, as nobody did anything

until the director shouted "Cut!"

Please welcome Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE

So we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Grayson, take a look at this.

It's tax credits.

Oh, look, it's the Grayson Perry Lookalike Competition.

I think these guys gave it to George Osborne

with a statutory instrument.

The House Of Lords threw out the Tax Credits Bill.

It's a triumph for the forces of non-democracy.

The right result, but a slightly strange set of means.

Indeed - it's the government's historic defeat

in the House of Lords over George Osborne's tax credit cuts.

It's a case of, like,

the wrong people doing the right thing, isn't it?

Like if white supremacists had a bake sale for breast cancer.

You'd be like, "Well, OK..."

Who was particularly red in the face about it?

Cameron, presumably?

I'm trying to think who was red in the face, apart from George Osborne,

but he doesn't, cos he hasn't got any blood.

Uh...

APPLAUSE

How was George reacting on the night of the defeat?

-What did he have to say for himself?

-I think it was shock.

The House Of Lords is traditionally there to vote down bills

-put forward by the Labour Party.

-Yes.

-And...

They suddenly got the wrong end of the stick

and threw out a Tory bill, so everyone's very cross.

And the Tories, you know, they're going to...

They're going to team up with Corbyn and abolish the House of Commons.

Uh, Lords!

I can't remember which it is, now.

It's that sort of acute political analysis

that has made your name on this programme.

On the night, though, George did seem to get stuck

in a bit of a loop - have a look at this.

Tonight, unelected Labour and Liberal lords

have defeated a financial matter

passed by the elected House of Commons

and David Cameron and I are clear

that this raises constitutional issues that need to be dealt with.

Will you take action against them, to punish them?

Well, let's be clear, unelected Labour and Liberal lords

have voted down a matter passed by the elected House of Commons.

That raises constitutional issues

and David Cameron and I are clear they will need to be dealt with.

Chancellor, you also said this was your judgment

and it turned out to be wrong - that's damaging for you, isn't it?

Well, let's be clear - Labour and Liberal lords who are not elected

have voted against measures in a Conservative budget

and that raises constitutional issues.

There's a switch on his back.

Oh, if only...

His Cabinet colleagues spent a lot of the week saying

he was in...

I wonder if that's as creepy as all his other modes.

-So, has this damaged George, do you think?

-Yes.

Fatally?

One can only hope.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, the people who proposed

the most important motions against the cuts

were Baroness Meacher, Baroness Manzoor

and Baroness Hollis -

or, as the Daily Mail call them...

Which one was it took the nuclear option?

It was Baroness Manzoor who tried to pass the fatal motion.

Fatal motion - which is what did for Elvis, I think.

It does serve them right for creating all those peers.

There didn't used to be that many and now there are 800 of them.

Yeah, to be fair, half of them get burned down during the summer.

Can't stop that. Can't stop that happening.

You'd think that, given so many peerages,

the Tories would have a majority

at the House of Lords by now, but they don't.

There have been veiled threats that Cameron would flood

the House of Lords with new 100 lords.

If you were Cameron, who would you choose to parachute in there?

-Jeremy Clarkson, that's who they should put in.

-Oh.

That'd get rid of him off the telly, wouldn't it?

-AS JEREMY CLARKSON:

-0-800 in 300 years.

He'd have a denim robe, though, wouldn't he?

And following the votes, there was an interesting discussion

between Baroness Meacher and Michael Ellis MP.

It's worth seeing if she was convinced

by anything that Michael Ellis had to say - let's have a look.

..the House of Commons holds sway over financial matters

is a crucial one to the functioning of our constitution.

Otherwise, we have self-appointed people in the House of Lords.

They have had that temptation placed in their path

on dozens of occasions over the last century.

They resisted that for 100 years - tonight, they haven't.

It's wonderful that they've got her down there,

translating for the hearing impaired.

In a bid to make sure this never happens again, of course,

Lord Strathclyde has announced he's going to do a rapid review

into curbing the House of Lords' powers.

I'll give you a bonus point if any of you can give me

the real name of Lord Strathclyde.

Bunty?

-Is it one of those bonkers, long names?

-Yes - he's called...

Another man of the people.

He has also got product placement in the middle of his name.

You just can't trust the Tories.

Does he change his name in wet weather?

Several of the papers identified one clear super-villian in all this.

Who was that?

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Yes, mega-rich musical gargoyle, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

APPLAUSE

Little gargoyle.

He flew in from New York to vote for the tax credits cuts.

It was his first vote in over two years.

He's previously voted just 30 times

out of a possible 1,898

in 14 years. But he did deny he had flown back specifically

for the vote. Does anyone know why he says he was in town?

He was here for an opening of one of his productions somewhere.

A new musical called Cuts.

APPLAUSE

He did he was in town to watch the revival of Cats, the musical.

Surely he's seen that already?

Or maybe he's just got a bad

# Memory... #

What was the other big story about tax from the Commons this week?

Tampon tax.

SHE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Tell us about that, Katherine.

Well, there is a 5% tax on sanitary products because they are considered

to be luxury items.

Now, while that does not affect me, obviously. I do not use tampons.

I'm a single mother, not a king.

LAUGHTER

It's ridiculous. You are taking food out of your children's mouths

to pay for tampons. You are, literally, better off taking the food

out of their mouths and using that.

It is insane that this should be taxed.

This is just dehumanising to call it a luxury item.

There are no jokes. People say period jokes for women.

There are not a lot of period jokes for the same reason that there are

not a lot of leukaemia jokes. It is too sad!

-We have got a lot of period jokes coming up.

-No!

We really do. Yes, it is the tampon tax. The VAT on tampons has been

maintained because, as Katherine said,

it is considered a luxury item, unlike Jaffa Cakes,

which are exempt from VAT because they are an essential.

-There is your answer.

-Yep.

Yes, this is the shock news that the House of Lords does, in fact,

serve a useful purpose.

LAUGHTER

As a result of the Lords' rebellion, the Chancellor has been forced to

rewrite his Autumn Statement, which now reads,

"Damn, shit and bollocks!"

Meanwhile, the Treasury survived a rebellion over the so-called...

A relief for George Osborne,

who is going through a tricky period at the moment.

-Paul and Katherine, take a look at this.

-Yep.

Oh, bad news. Killer on the plate.

Yes, this is the bad news that...

-What the what?!

-..eating too many sausages could lead to you exploding

like an atom bomb.

Eating sausages is as dangerous as nuclear war.

-Or is it plutonium?

-Strictly speaking, it's plutonium, yes.

-Plutonium?!

-It's a banned substance now, the sausage.

-Oh!

It is not quite as dangerous as eating plutonium, is it?

-No.

-Unless Putin is serving.

I think MI5 will be assassinating people, by giving them sausages

and bacon.

Meat cancer has been all over the news. Yes.

And bacon is the worst offender.

So, it is a good day for Jews and Muslims.

Yes, processed meat is now in the top class of five

World Health Organisation classifications

-for carcinogenic substances harmful to humans.

-Right.

To put things in perspective, eating processed meat increases

the risk of cancer by 18%. I think plutonium is a little higher.

Will you have to change your diet, now that this news has been leaked

-to you?

-Do you know, I think I will just risk it.

Risk it for a brisket.

In fact, the World Health Organisation has tested over 940

substances and only one has been found not to cause cancer.

Any idea what it was?

Plutonium.

It is...

The Guardian went looking for individual reactions to the news.

What did John and Bobbie the butchers have to say?

"You've got to die of something, ain't you?"

"Here we are, love."

They said...

The report went on...

The Daily Star interviewed a very unusual group of people,

which included....

He obviously did not have a problem with sausages.

Who, or what, might save us?

Vegetarianism.

Tomatoes. They're genetically modifying tomatoes to kill cancer.

-Is that right?

-Absolutely right, yes.

According to scientists at the John Innes Centre in Norwich...

You'll be as healthy as an alcoholic if you eat these tomatoes.

There are foods that are medicine and there are foods that are poison

and there is nothing in between.

But right now, our poison to medicine scale is off the charts.

We're just ingesting bacon and food that's not food. And bread.

Don't get me started on bread, David.

You believe it's the devil, right?

I have never eaten bread. Even when I was a child.

It looks like eating a napkin. That's not food.

I mean, historically, it is food.

I mean, all those ducks can't be wrong.

It's bad for ducks too.

It's quack cocaine.

APPLAUSE

Which other harmful foodstuff is the government being urged to deal with?

-Sugar.

-Sugar, yes.

A tax on sugar would cut down on obesity, apparently.

But why won't David Cameron have anything to do with a sugar tax?

Do the people who make sugar

contribute to the Conservative Party in any way?

That is an appalling suggestion.

-Lord Sugar.

-Yes.

The actual response from the Government is that

if you put on a sugar tax, unbelievably,

it will affect mostly the poorer people in the country.

So, much better just to take their credits away.

And then they won't buy fizzy drinks and sugar.

-So, they are caring.

-Yeah. According to the Times...

-He doesn't want to be SEEN to be doing it.

-He draws the blinds.

Calls for sugar tax have intensified this week.

Sugar is causing problems in Somerset,

where wild ponies are confronting tourists

in an aggressive pursuit of sugary confections.

According to the Mail...

Even worse, when the three other horses erected a screen around her

and loaded a bolt gun.

According to the Daily Star, scientists also claim that...

You know you've got a serious problem

when you're desperately trying to find an unused vein in your Stilton.

On we go to round two, the Jigsaw of News.

Fingers on buzzers. Buzz when you know what this is.

BELL

Yes, Ian and Grayson?

This is... Apparently, a 15-year-old from Northern Ireland

is meant to have hacked into TalkTalk's computer

and got all people's personal details and put them on the web.

Exactly. Four million customers of

the broadband and phone provider TalkTalk.

Their details were allegedly stolen by a teenage boy.

We're not allowed to reveal HIS name.

He's yet to be convicted of a crime and he is a minor.

Fortunately, the Sun don't care about that

-and they've named him as "5ft tall

-BLEEP BLEEP".

With a name like that, he shouldn't be hard to trace.

Just go round all the schools, and when the register's called,

wait till you hear that noise and you've got him.

I feel sorry for the IT guy. He'll be like,

"It must have been China or some North Koreans

"got through my firewall." "No, it was a child." "Oh..."

The Daily Mail said he had a single mum.

Oh, well, he's definitely guilty, then.

On behalf of all single mums, I'm just glad that our bastard children

are finally participating in white-collar crime.

Who says there's no aspiration in the world any more?

I know! It's felt like you have to worry about your son,

knock on this door, "You better be wanking in there

"and not bringing down a corporation."

The two activities aren't mutually exclusive...

This is the so-called...

..who allegedly carried out a damaging cyber attack on TalkTalk.

TalkTalk boss Dido Harding said they will handle compensations claims

for their four million users on...

Bad news for loyal customer Zachariah Zimmerman.

The 15-year-old boy who was arrested is described as...

It makes you proud to be British.

In America, he'd have gunned down half his school by now.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's another one for you.

Who is it?

BUZZER

Yes! That's Paul and Katherine.

I refuse to recognise or remember who this man is.

It's Tony Blair! He's sort of partially apologised but not really.

-I think this an attempt to sort of get in before the verdict.

-Yes.

We do now know that the Chilcot Report is expected to be published

June or July next year.

Six years we've been waiting. Six years.

Longer than the entire Second World War, to come up with

the one sentence we want - "Guilty".

What did he specifically apologise for?

He said he was sorry that the intelligence

-turned out not to be accurate.

-Yes.

Speaking in an interview with American broadcaster CNN, he said...

That's not really fair, given that he manipulated the evidence

to make sure it wasn't accurate.

So he didn't really apologise.

What has former weapons inspector Hans Blix said about this

this week? Anyone hear this?

He accused Blair of misrepresenting intelligence

about Iraq's WMD programme, as you say.

When asked whether Blair had lied, he said...

So, to Labour leaders and international relations,

what did Jeremy Corbyn say about having dinner

with the Chinese President?

BELL

-Yes, Ian?

-He said it was incredibly boring.

-He did. He said...

This comes from the man who photographs drain covers,

so that really was an insult.

What startling revelations did the Sun uncover

-about Jeremy Corbyn this week?

-What are the stunning revelations?

Well, the Sun tracked down Jeremy Corbyn's wife's niece,

who lived with him until recently, who disclosed that he enjoys...

What a bastard.

And finally, another international statesman revealed

something this week. Who and what was that?

I think "international statesman" is pushing it, but...

-It's not Sepp Blatter?

-It's Sepp Blatter.

-Ah!

-GRAYSON: Yes.

He shocked us all - not - by saying that choosing Russia

to host the World Cup was a forgone conclusion

-before the actual vote.

-Hmm.

So it was rigged?

-Yes, I know. Shocking, isn't it?

-It is.

The Russians will be furious to find out they didn't win it legitimately.

Putin will be angry as hell.

Yes, this is the news that Tony Blair had sort of said

sorry for Iraq. During the interview, Tony Blair added...

Mr Blair, no-one is doubting your ability to deceive people

on a massive scale.

Also this week, Sepp Blatter revealed that even before

voting began, it had already been decided

that Russian would host the 2018 World Cup,

but he denied this was doing Russia any favours as they would lose

in the final, 3-2, to Germany.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

It's just one between you this week. Your four are...

Charlotte Proudman,

the Dalai Lama,

James Bond

and air conditioning.

BELL RINGS

GRAYSON: Is it something to do with sexism?

Charlotte Proudman has been the victim of sexism on LinkedIn.

Right.

And all the others have been accused of sexism.

I think air conditioning was recently outed as a sexist.

Ah, yes. Yes.

Because it favours the male metabolism.

I don't know about the Dalai Lama,

but James Bond is practically a synonym for sexism.

It's a full, frank and fundamentally 100% correct answer.

Yes.

APPLAUSE

Proudman sparked a media storm when she accused a fellow lawyer

of being sexist for commenting on her photo

on the professional online platform LinkedIn.

Also, Charlotte Proudman has stolen her hairstyle from someone...

No, I've got... LAUGHTER

I've got this hair registered.

Ian, I think you'll find the Dalai Lama

has pulled off a similar...

APPLAUSE

Daniel Craig recently called James Bond a misogynist.

He's a bit of a misogynist in the way that Oscar Pistorius

is a bit lucky he wasn't black.

Just a bit...

This much.

Air conditioning has been accused of being sexist

for being set at too cold a temperature

for female office workers.

There is of course a simpler way

of making women feel warmer in the office -

just double glaze that glass ceiling.

Yeah.

And the Dalai Lama has outraged feminists

by saying that any potential female successor to his role

would need to be very, very attractive.

Some Tibetan Buddhist priest believe that in the moment of his death,

the reincarnated Dalai Lama enters the body of a small child.

Whereas some Catholic priests think, "Why wait?"

Time now for the Missing Words Round.

We start with...

GRAYSON: Smoking while there's children in the Millennium Falcon.

Chewbacca arrested for...

Yes, this is the news that a man dressed as Chewbacca

was campaigning for a candidate called Darth Vader

in a Ukraine election.

Fair enough with Putin on the doorstep -

a vote for Darth Vader is a vote for peace.

Here he is being carted off by police.

And here he is in court.

He looks like he's been roughed up since he was put into that car.

Next...

KATHERINE: The Pope has a good job but he doesn't get to internet date

or does he?

The Pope has a good job

but he doesn't get to take time off or fly a kite or stuff a ferret.

GRAYSON: He doesn't get to wear trousers or culottes.

Yes.

-LAUGHING:

-Culottes.

It must be all of those.

All of which answers are more plausible than the actual truth,

which is...

..according to Rod Stewart,

who expressed these views this week in an interview with the Sun.

Rod, do you know nothing about Catholicism?

The Pope has wine during the show.

Finally...

Was a popular euphemism.

For what?

Invading Crete.

-Creek?

-Crete.

-Oh.

Oh, sorry. You were on a beaver theme.

I thought you were calling sex "Invading the creek", and I...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I...

..loved that.

I loved that.

Well, we can do a retake if you like.

It's a more interesting answer than the rather obvious...

Parachuting beavers killed 15 civilians in the 1940s.

Were they trained by MI5?

Yeah, but you can't direct the parachuting beaver.

Once he's out there, he's out there.

Good for all those German dams, though.

GRAYSON: Oh, fair enough.

Parachuting beavers imitated Churchill.

-IMITATING CHURCHILL:

-We are parachuting beavers.

Parachuting beavers...

Oh, no.

An historian in the US state of Idaho

has unearthed a video of the great beaver trip of 1948,

a relocation plan for the state's beavers.

Here it is.

Now into the air and down they swing.

Box open and a most unusual and novel trip ends for Mr Beaver.

What?!

How can it be cheaper to drop them from planes

rather than just take them in a car, "There you are."

"I'm not flying easyJet again, thanks very much.

"Where the hell am I?"

What happens if the box doesn't open when they hit the ground as well?

GRAYSON: They're beavers!

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of the quiz, the final scores are...

Paul and Katherine have five,

but the winners are Ian and Grayson with six.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news

that as George Osborne begins to look vulnerable,

leadership rival Boris Johnson plans his next move.

In Zurich, Sepp Blatter explains how despite being President of Fifa,

evidence of corruption never reached him.

And CCTV captures the moment just before Prince Philip

finally loses it with the Queen.

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE