Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Kathy Burke.

In the news this week, on his way to a conference about

the origins of the universe,

Stephen Hawking regrets demanding a police escort.

In an attempt to confuse would-be assassins,

David Cameron meets his stunt double.

And leading scientists predict that future generations

will struggle to overcome the forces of friction and gravity.

On Ian's team tonight is the Channel 4 News presenter

who asked recently,

"When does a compliment about a woman become sexism?"

Well, that's a very good question, blondie.

Please welcome Cathy Newman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a surreal comedian who says

he likes to look for faces in cakes.

Give it a couple of hours

and I know where he'll be able to find at least one face in a cake.

Please welcome Ross Noble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Cathy, would you take a look at this, please?

That's the latest spying technology. That's you before deadline.

IAN LAUGHS

Oh, and that's the snooper.

This is this new bill. The surveillance bill.

Or you'd call it "the snoopers' charter".

Oh, right. Yes, I would, Cathy!

They've got this new draft Investigatory Powers Bill,

and they're going to have your entire internet history,

your phone, everything, saved for a year.

So it's safe from hackers.

There was a lot of spin before this, wasn't there,

that they were retreating from some things,

it wasn't going to be as bad as all that?

That's what the government usually does.

It tells you it's going to confiscate your entire life

and then brings in a bill saying, "We'll only have half of it."

And everyone goes, "God, Theresa May, she's so nice.

"She was going to have everything I've ever done or known,

"but now it's just this tiny bit of everything."

So this is the second go they've had at passing the bill.

What happened the first time?

The Lib Dems voted it down, didn't they? Yeah.

THEY called it "the snoopers' charter".

Yeah, and look what happened to them.

And what do the security services want?

Everything.

Yes, they would like to access every single piece of information

or personal data exchanged over the internet - ever.

There's certain safeguards,

but on the whole, it's still a bit of an attack on personal liberty.

I think. But it is a popular measure. With who?

Well, the public aren't as bothered about it as you are, the polls say.

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

I hate to make cheap points, but...

LAUGHTER

Are you bothered about it? AUDIENCE: Yes.

You would be, with my browsing history.

Just saying and that, you know.

I didn't know what to think,

but then I saw this documentary called Spectre, erm...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE And everybody's against it!

It's true, they all are. M - he was against more surveillance, Bond...

The only person who was for it was the bloke with the cat!

Postman Pat is involved in...?

LAUGHTER

Has he been opening our mail the whole time?

Disgusting.

Mrs Goggins in the post office? She's up to her neck in it.

I think she was arrested, though, some accounting difficulties.

And then they closed the post office down, and now she's alcoholic,

in a ditch. Yeah.

So...

LAUGHTER

Mrs Grog-gins.

That's her. That's her now.

Fell on hard times, she's become Mrs Snog-gins.

Won't pay her the money, poor old woman.

Working in a post office - now selling herself.

Like she used to sell stamps. 1st Class mail.

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

They're groaning and clapping at their own jokes!

Good. And what won't they get with this new bill?

Amazon recommendations?

Cos that's sort of the upside of it, isn't it?

They can be going through and checking people out, and going,

"Mmm, interesting book on the Cotswolds."

They link in to what you've just bought, don't they?

And they'll say, "Oh, now you'll like this."

Somebody sent me a link.

Apparently, they'd gone to buy one of my DVDs, and it said,

"If you like this, you'll also like this",

and it was the DVD of Jesus Of Nazareth.

APPLAUSE

A new technical advance has made the job of

the security services much harder

for the last few years - what is that?

Moving from the brick phone to the smartphone.

Well, it's encryption. Ooh.

According to the Telegraph, the biggest problem is

when you get something that's...

Well, I've had a few mornings like that, that's all I can say.

Happy days.

Which government minister has been accused of

staggering hypocrisy this week?

Well, which one hasn't? Mmm.

No, this week, it's Chris Grayling.

He's been complaining about journalists using

the Freedom of Information Act to find out things.

He said...

Yeah, bloody journalists with their stories, eh?

Why was he particularly being hypocritical?

I was camping earlier in the week, I missed this story.

Really? Was it nice? Lovely. Where? In Wales?

Quite mild as well, for the time of year.

Good, so that was a big story. I think it's too mild.

Do you? I do. I don't like it. Has it thrown out your body clock?

It really has, I'm menopausal... Are you?

..so it really doesn't help.

You just want a cold wind up ya at this time of life. You do.

You do.

You could have gone...camping with her earlier in the week.

- That's a bit chilly... - You'd be very welcome.

It was a shepherd's hut. But that's not camping if you're in a hut.

No, you've rumbled me, it's glamping. Oh...

Does that not count? No, does it fuck.

Well...

I wish I'd thought of that. I should have just gone camping,

and every question I'd have just gone, "Ah, well...

"I was up a mountain, wasn't I?"

Here's me reading papers and stuff, I'm an idiot.

Right, according to the Sun, Grayling was...

Actually, he was always keen to claim credit for...

I remember him doing a live interview once,

at a Tory conference, do you remember this?

He was... Something was put to him and he said,

"That is a terrible gimmick." And then they said, "Oh, it's one of your policies."

And so now, what revealing document from the early part of the

21st century has come to light recently

through good old-fashioned leaking?

Don't know, I was up Ben Nevis.

Too much information.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the Mail On Sunday claimed that a senior figure from Number Ten

at the time has revealed that an order was issued to...

Well, this was the Attorney General at the time.

Was this Goldsmith's advice?

And he said to, um, Tony Blair,

"This war is illegal. That's my considered opinion."

And Blair said, "Would you like to think again?...

"Or you're sacked."

Erm...

I have no evidence for that...

But, then, they didn't have much evidence for anything anyway, so...

APPLAUSE

On the subject of Iraq, would you like to see a photo of

Sir John Chilcot at a bus stop?

Is he shoplifting the biggest roll of salami ever seen in Ealing?

Right, this is the government's snoopers' charter.

And if you sign the online petition against it, bad luck,

they know where you live.

Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo...G...

Why can't I say it?

Just say, "Margate."

Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay

was released after 13 years held without charge.

According to his father...

Well, apart from those blokes who kept putting jump leads on him.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Right, Paul and Ross - here's one for you...

Yes, this is Nigella Lawson being protected from the weather.

This is avocado and a fork.

And that may be her putting it on toast. It may be...

Probably isn't her, cos I can tell that the desk there

is the same colour as the desk that I'm sitting at now.

So, I would suggest that item was filmed here

about 11.30 this morning.

Hang on... Nigella Lawson uses this very studio.

At 11.30 in the morning. Is that right? Absolutely right.

ROSS SNIFFS So, she... What...?

That's a special memory for everybody here, cos of course

you'll never see that on television.

Yeah, she's done a new show...

Nigella's Load Of Old Rope...

Next week, she's doing Pot Noodle...

And then she's doing...er...

Angel Delight... Is the...

The one after that, where she...

Bag of powder... And she just, er...

What? What?

This is the public outrage caused by Nigella Lawson making

avocado on toast. So, are those the hands of Nigella Lawson?

That would make a great game show.

I mean... Bring Me The Hands Of Nigella Lawson?

In the preparation of this dish on her TV show,

what did Nigella spend a lot of time doing?

She was probably pouting, was it? A bit of...

According to the Independent...

Why might this be some kind of clever digital media joke, though,

on Nigella's part?

Digital because she's using her fingers?

APPLAUSE AND GROANING

They're doing it again, they're groaning and clapping!

Well, avocado is, according to several newspapers including

the Mirror and the Guardian...

That's the photo-sharing website for imbeciles.

So, Nigella could just be taking the piss.

What...? A photograph of an avocado is the most popular visual image?

Yeah, apparently.

Yeah, cos it's alphabetical, isn't it?

Yeah, but what about an anaconda? That's more interesting than

an avocado. Not that nice on toast, though, is it?

It would struggle getting into the toaster.

You have to get a baguette. Yeah.

Now that would be an amazing...

Imagine if Nigella just came on...

And she had, like...

baguettes lined right up along her kitchen.

And then she enticed an anaconda...to lie along it...

..and then killed it with her bare hands.

Scooped out all its insides. Scooped it right out.

Licked the blood.

I'd watch it, I would watch it.

And then you'd see a shot of her bloody hands...

And you'd have to guess - "Are these Nigella's hands?"

What are newspaper fashion editors saying about the avocado?

"Oh, this is great, it will fill up three pages."

It's the fact that they are calling it the...

It's because it's last year - it's toast, basically.

The avocado is toast.

So, how did Guardian fashion journalist Jess Cartner-Morley

put the final nail in the avocado's coffin?

She said...

READS IN IMITATION POSH ACCENT

LAUGHTER

What?

What, what, what?

What happened?

You mocked her speaking style. Oh, I did, yes.

But I also cut a word that I can't pronounce.

"Every other shade of green

"has had its day

"in the fashion-week sun -

"apple...emerald...

LAUGHTER

"..jade,

"even school uniform bottle."

There you go.

Do you know how the avocado gets its name?

Yes, it's a cross between two plants called an avo and a cado.

It's an old Aztec word - aguacate,

which means "testicle".

It does.

Shall we have a quick game of Avocado Or Testicle? No!

No!

There may be certain medical complaints

that would confuse the issue.

Oh, go on, then, right.

Are those Nigella's hands?

So, avocado or testicle?

Well, he's going to need antibiotics, definitely.

We say avocado, if we must. Oh, God, that's not going to pull back, is it?

Yes, this is the backlash

against Nigella Lawson's avocado on toast recipe.

All this fuss over an avocado!

That's why most people tune into Nigella -

to see a ripe, up-market "pear".

Sorry. APPLAUSE

And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

OK, this is the story about the Prime Minister not wearing a poppy

in an old photo on Facebook. Appalling!

So his staff said, "We'd better change it," and put a poppy on him.

And they put a great big one on him to show that he cared,

and it was a huge scandal because they'd faked it.

I'm not quite sure why it was a big deal.

Who was particularly disgusted by the faked photograph?

Erm, a poppy seller.

Piers Morgan. He tweeted both the before and after photos, saying...

Faked photos - imagine!

APPLAUSE

Barbara Windsor made her feelings known on the poppy subject.

What did she have to say about it?

ROSS CACKLES

APPLAUSE

This is her on Sky News.

Babs, what would you say to those who don't want to wear a poppy?

Go sod off, for all I care.

She's not in a bubbly mood, is she?

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

It's part of the relationship between China

and Great Britain and this is a portrait of the Queen

made in porcelain that this Chinese artist

is unveiling for our pleasure.

Yes, this is the largest ever sculpture

made in Chinese white porcelain.

It's the Queen by artist Chen Dapeng.

Chen said of the Queen...

Let's have a look at the finished article.

Why's she trying to escape from an ice cream cornet?

Didn't she used to work for Jabba the Hutt?

Chen said this is meant to show her...

Well, Mark Hudson, the Telegraph art critic, wrote...

Commenting on the bust of the Queen, the Telegraph reported...

Anyway, China, good luck with building our nuclear power stations.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Jeremy Hunt, there he is.

He's, by a bit of sort of sleight of hand,

he's saying that he's giving the junior doctors an 11% pay rise,

but he's increasing the hours that they work.

Yes, this is Jeremy Hunt's ongoing row over junior doctors' contracts.

What's particularly upsetting doctors?

That they think they're going to get a pay cut,

even though the Department of Health

says that 75% of them will get a pay rise

and nobody can really work out what the truth is.

We've tried quite hard, but Jeremy Hunt won't come on our programme.

Will he not?

There was a very good letter in the Times about this a few weeks ago.

Did anyone see it? Yes, but I've forgotten what it was by now.

Dr Anthony Cohen wrote...

APPLAUSE

Sticking with sciencey stuff,

the Times featured a survey this week that revealed

some of the toughest questions posed by children

that parents are struggling to answer.

So, can anyone answer any of these? OK.

BUZZER

Ask your mother.

BELL RINGS

Same reason the Earth doesn't fall down.

This child is obviously very stupid.

We shouldn't be given her airtime, him or her.

And another question is...

Are there any other questions from this child?

"Is a brick wall man-made?" Because that is incredibly thick.

You've really got a downer on these kids, haven't you?

What sort of kid looks at a brick wall and says, "Is that man-made?"

No, it was put there by Jesus.

One of the other questions was...

Yes, they do.

They're just as stupid as you are.

"We're taking you back to the orphanage. You're no good!"

Right, this is the ongoing row

between Jeremy Hunt and junior doctors.

Jeremy Hunt is currently in the middle of a major A E crisis,

which, as everyone knows, stands for "arse" and "elbow".

This week, it was also revealed that just 26 MPs

have given their recent ?7,000 pay rise to charity.

Even worse, half of them gave it to Kids Company.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. One between you this week.

Your four are...

A Co-op in Whaley Bridge,

Jekyll and Hyde,

Danny Dyer's house

and cats.

BUZZER

Jekyll Hyde, ITV's new show, has been going out before the watershed,

but there's been some scary bits in it

and people have been complaining. about that.

So it's about being scared by something.

Cats... People have been phoning the police

because they've been scared of cats behaving in different ways.

Since Egyptian times, cats have been a certain way,

but now they've got onto the internet, essentially.

LAUGHTER

And Danny Dyer...

He's scared of ghosts. He's scared of ghosts.

So he has a haunted house, maybe. Is that true?

Well, no. Because ghosts aren't real.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Co-op is the most haunted convenience store in Britain.

Jekyll Hyde is the odd one out,

because it's scary but is not haunted.

No, they are all too scary, apart from cats,

which we probably should be more scared of.

This is according to a new study carried out this week

by the University of Edinburgh.

So why should we be more scared of cats than we actually are?

They were neurotic?

Mm. Researches found that your domestic cat

shares many traits of aggression and neurotic behaviour

with its larger cousins, such as lions and wild cats.

So...

Yeah, because sometimes, the really, really evil cats,

they'll sit there stroking a small man.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, and 800 people have complained about ITV's Jekyll Hyde

because it's too scary to be shown before the watershed.

The watershed is there for a reason.

By 9pm, when mum and dad are watching grown-up telly,

kids should be upstairs, jimjams on,

shooting a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto.

The Co-op in Whaley Bridge, Derbyshire,

is apparently so haunted

it was forced to close 90 minutes early on Halloween...

Who wants to see some evidence of the ghostly goings-on?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Well, that's convinced me. Oh, look...

Oh, look at that. Look!

Any minute now, another ghost is going to come down the aisle

and slip on them.

EastEnders hardman Danny Dyer

recently moved out of his new-build property

because he believed it was haunted.

Can anyone tell me why Danny was scared?

Poltergeist activity?

Exactly that.

He said there was...

"That spook, it was taking a right liberty!"

And he kept on hearing a...

from his 19-year-old daughter's bedroom.

As well as the knocking, Danny also heard someone shouting her name,

which his daughter has blamed on the ghost.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication Dots Dashes,

the official publication of the Morse Code Telegraph Club.

They've really tapped into something!

And we start with...

Men dressed as traffic cones

get drunk student's head up their arse.

Disrupt the traffic?

Yes...

Here they are...

It's the Klu Klux Klan!

You might wonder why on earth a bunch of men

should want to dress up as traffic cones.

Well, it's just a small diversion!

Next...

Recently the victim of robbery by a woman called Dot, who dashed.

Outrageous phone hacking?

This is from Dots Dashes.

The cyberattack meant that the Morse Code Club

have had to revamp their web page, which is now at...

dash dash dash dash dot dash dot.com.

LAUGHTER

And finally...

Prospects?

LAUGHTER

It's actually...

East London workers were left baffled this week

after a woman was spotted sitting on a rooftop

in the nude for four hours.

Here she is on the roof...

Densely thatched. Well, well...

Well, can I just point out she's not wearing a poppy,

which is pretty disgusting.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She perched naked on the roof with her legs astride.

Obviously, there were a few whistles.

Well, it was windy up there.

And so, the final scores are...

Ian and Cathy have seven points.

But this week's winners are Paul and Ross with eight. No!

APPLAUSE

Well done. That was good.

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.

Next...

It's a press conference, isn't it?

Because he's got a press thing in his hat, hasn't he?

Oh, yeah, Chilcot finally delivers!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that, at the Vatican Synod,

there are suspicions that four out of five members

may be smuggling in cakes.

There's embarrassment as a royal is photographed

with a '70s children's entertainer

shortly before his arrest for inappropriate touching.

And just as he convinces the Labour conference

that he's a safe pair of hands,

Jeremy Corbyn drops his falafel wrap.

Goodnight!