Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan. In the news this week -

word spreads that Rupert Murdoch has rewritten his will

to cut out his children.

SHE GUFFAWS

On a building site in Surrey,

David Cameron discusses with engineers

exactly where Iain Duncan Smith is going to have his accident.

And in north London, the government's new pro-EU leaflet

arrives through Boris Johnson's letterbox.

On Ian's team tonight -

a German comedian who believes British audiences

are wrong to applaud someone before they've actually done anything,

so let's see what happens now as I say,

please welcome Henning Wehn!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight -

a politician who, after last year's general election,

was leader of Ukip in that brief period

between Nigel Farage resigning as leader

and Nigel Farage sobering up.

Please welcome Suzanne Evans.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

Yes, that's Panama. Someone handing over money.

Want some more? He does!

Putin...

Oh, that smells fishy.

Already, there are investigations in a lot of countries,

a Prime Minister has fallen. Might be two.

Well, this is a fabulous story by a whistle-blower

for a company in Panama, and I do hope he's somewhere

with a beard and a baseball cap,

hidden safely away,

having offended Putin, the Chinese,

all Arab countries

and David Cameron, obviously. Um...

It's 11 million documents,

proving that the idea that the rich are an extraordinary elite

who are constantly trying to evade giving any money to any society

which they live in is entirely true.

What do you think?

It's not unexpected, is it?

So, you didn't look at that and think,

"Oh, I would have never guessed that."

On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way,

because for as long as the President of Bananistan, huh,

has got his ill-gotten money squirreled away in UK property,

they're not going to attack the UK.

So, eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6.

All you need is Foxtons.

APPLAUSE

It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened on this scale.

I'm sorry to be enthusiastic about it, I know you expected it,

but, God, the detail's fantastic!

And they've had a scalp. I mean, most journalism

doesn't end up with the Prime Minister resigning,

but in Iceland... I mean, was it 10% of the population

went out on the street? That'd be the equivalent of five million of us

going up to Downing Street and saying,

"Give us your dad's money back!"

Just an idea.

And as you said, the people of Iceland have reacted with fury.

On the streets of Reykjavik, the incredibly well-behaved Icelanders

stamped their feet for a bit and their Prime Minister resigned

after it was revealed he and his wife had a huge offshore tax fund,

although his spokesman claims...

Oh, no, we've heard this before, Suzanne!

APPLAUSE

Anyway...what's the man in Iceland called?

Sven?

I get a German on, and HE does the racist stereotypes!

Yes, these are the Panama papers

from the office of tax lawyers Mossack Fonseca.

I believe Harry Redknapp once tried to sign him for Tottenham!

Why is this embarrassing for the Prime Minister?

The Prime Minister's father was named in the papers,

and he ran an investment vehicle,

amusingly called Blairmore Investments.

It's entertaining, cos it suggests you could move

even more money offshore than Blair did.

And the fund was moved to Ireland

when Cameron became Prime Minister

because, apparently, a source said...

I would like to make it clear at this point

that nobody has broken the law.

-Yes...

-What about Jack the Ripper?

This is the Prime Minister who said,

"I want more transparency and I want less corruption,"

And there are these very funny series of statements,

starting with, "This is a private matter."

And people saying, "No, it isn't."

"OK, it's not private.

"I'm never in the future going to get any money

"from these offshore holdings."

And people are saying, "What about the past, then?"

And I believe the latest news is

he's admitted there was 30 grand he's taken out of it

-and he's sold the shares.

-Yeah.

-So he used to own some shares

-in Blairmore.

-He suddenly remembered.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

And it does give the impression that, you know,

the shares paid for his inheritance and his schooling,

and it's just that idea that we're all in it together...

if you happen to run a country.

At some point during that, he said, "Put up or shut up,"

which was kind of like a big red flag flying, I think,

because when a politician says that,

you know their back's against the wall.

Have you noticed that with other politicians(?)

APPLAUSE

Well, I think it is incredibly embarrassing for him.

Yes. Cameron dealt with these embarrassing questions

in instalments. He said...

Here he is in 2013,

commenting on the private tax affairs of Jimmy Carr.

Think of all those people who work hard, who pay their taxes,

and out of that post-tax income save up to go and see Jimmy Carr.

He's taking that money and stuffing it into something

where he doesn't have to pay taxes. That is not fair!

To be fair, whenever Cameron gives a speech,

it's always free entry.

Where was he when he was asked about his tax affairs

and why was it extra embarrassing?

-The Bahamas?

-Shame, cos he would have got a nice tan, wouldn't he?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Lanzarote?

-No.

-At PricewaterhouseCoopers.

-That's right, yes.

He was at the accountants PricewaterhouseCoopers,

who've been criticised by a Commons committee for facilitating...

Various world leaders have been building up

stacks of tax-free cash offshore.

What has the President of the UAE been secretly doing with his money?

Bought up London property.

Exactly right, yeah.

He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.

He's bought half of Oxford Street

and parts of Mayfair.

He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...

which are actually better value.

Astonishingly, the world of football has allowed itself

to be besmirched by these offshore revelations.

How did that happen?

Well, they got a new man, Infantino,

the new Fifa president, and then they had one geezer

looking after the ethics committee or something,

and he was working if not for the Fonseca lot,

then for something related to them.

So, essentially, he's the ethics man

and he's right in the middle of it all.

So that doesn't look too good, does it?

-They should have kept Blatter. I said that all along.

-Yeah.

Yes, Uefa did a deal on TV rights

with an offshore company called Cross Trading...

It's like The Night Manager this, isn't it?

..which was a front for an alleged fraudster.

The deal was signed by brand-new, squeaky-clean Fifa boss

Gianni Infantino.

I can't help noticing there are a lot of extremely bald men

in the news at the moment.

So shall we play a game of... Whose Bald Bonce Is This?

Fingers on the buzzers. Here's your first bald bonce...

Who's that?

-BUZZER

-Iain Duncan Smith.

Yes, it is.

Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?

Erm...

Erm...

APPLAUSE

I did. Erm...

I made a documentary about Victorian benefits

and I asked him some questions about the poor law and workhouses

and he suddenly started crying

when he told be about this young girl

who'd had no start in life and he'd wanted to help.

And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried?

"Did you comfort him?"

And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."

You didn't tell Iain Duncan Smith you were related to him, did you?

You didn't go, "Daddy"?

Let's have a look at look at another bald bonce.

Is it someone's knee?

It's actually...

Sajid Javid. Our Business Secretary.

Are his ears very low or is it just the angle of the shot?

His head has melted and they've slid down the side of his face.

And finally...

-Who's that?

-Bobby Charlton.

Right profession.

Somebody old in football, is that it?

He will be thrilled to hear that.

It's Ray Wilkins.

-Why's he been in the news?

-He hasn't.

Suck it up.

This game, it needs a little bit of refining, I think.

This is the shock news that some of the world's biggest bastards

have been using offshore companies...

to dodge their tax.

Panama may seem like an unlikely location for financial security,

but if there's one thing we know about Panama,

they can keep things under their hat.

APPLAUSE

-I don't think we should applaud that sort of thing.

-No.

It's disgusting.

In the past, David Cameron has described

people using offshore schemes to minimise their tax as...

A refreshingly honest end to the eulogy at his father's funeral.

The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,

who has been forced to resign.

He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.

Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.

Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.

APPLAUSE

Vladimir Putin has been linked to the offshore banking scandal.

Rather more surprisingly, he's also been linked to Wendi Deng.

At the moment, it's just a rumour.

We'll only know for sure when they split up

and she's found dead in a locked hotel room.

Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this...

Oh, yes, this is Port Talbot, I imagine.

The crisis in the steel industry, because we have no money,

because it's all in Panama. And that's the industry secretary,

who's pretending he's going to do something about it.

Which he can't, because the EU's strangling it.

-Oh, and there's the President of China.

-Happy hour.

-Yeah.

David Cameron trying to do his man of the people bit,

-like Nigel Farage, and failing abysmally.

-Yes.

What, you think Farage looks good with a pint?

-Yeah.

-Or two.

-Yeah. Or two.

That's what this country needs, somebody who's always on the piss.

-Well, it worked for Churchill, didn't it?

-Yeah.

Yeah, he was up against different opposition, though.

Thankfully, we're allowed to make those remarks because we won.

Yeah, I shouldn't have brought it up.

I was going to say, "You started it." But, then, no, no...

Yeah, this is the news that Tata

are to sell off the steelworks at Port Talbot in Wales.

It's losing £1 million a day,

thanks to British imports of cheap Chinese steel.

Business Minister Anna Soubry suggested buying Tata...

..causing alarm at the Treasury,

which didn't think it had that much available.

It's not just a question of money. They're losing £1 million a day.

I noticed that sort of international tax evasion is costing us...

What's the figure? 16 billion a year.

So we could keep Port Talbot going for...

oh, about 300 years.

We could go for quite a long time

if we weren't paying 350 million a week to the EU.

Well, if you weren't in the EU, I wouldn't be here.

-SUZANNE:

-Why not?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And if that is a blessing or not, is for you to decide.

Which campaign are you in now?

You'd never guess. The Leave campaign.

No, no, of the many on the other side.

I'm on the board of Vote Leave.

You're not one of the Grassroots lot?

No, I didn't like the look of the green tie.

-I don't think it'd suit me.

-Is Nigel in the Grassroots lot?

-Nigel's...

-Oh, what a coincidence.

-Yes.

It's all a bit Judean People's Front/People's front of Judea.

APPLAUSE

Tata took the decision to sell up at a board meeting in Mumbai last week.

Local MPs and union representatives from Port Talbot

flew out there to lobby the company.

Where was the government's Business Secretary Sajid Javid?

-He was in Australia.

-Yeah, that's right. He was on holiday...

Sorry, he was at a trade meeting.

Writing in the Sunday Times,

Sajid Javid said of his eventual visit to Port Talbot...

His PR team.

Suzanne, when you see what an extraordinary mess

the Government has made of this,

-surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party...

-No, no.

-..and leave all those Ukip nutters behind?

-No, they're not nutters.

They're a great bunch of people, Ukip,

and I'm sticking with Ukip.

Well, at least I hope, if they let me back in. Please!

-You're suspended for, what, six months?

-Six months.

-Are you going to appeal?

-I absolutely am.

-Try and get a year?

-Yeah.

While we've been away, the EU debate has been raging dully on.

All sorts of claims are being made about what will happen

if we stay or go, with each side accusing the other

of scaremongering.

So let's sort everything out once and for all

with a quick but potentially fun game of...

LAUGHTER

..Fear or Fact?

GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

Fingers on buzzers.

If we leave Europe, we'll be able to make browner toast. Fear or fact?

BUZZER

Got to be a fact.

Well, Ukip MEP David Coburn certainly thinks so.

He blames EU regulations for his less-than-powerful toaster.

If you're watching, Mr Coburn, the next time that happens,

put your fork in the toaster...

..and poke it around a bit. APPLAUSE

If we leave, we will at last be free to recycle teabags.

Fear or fact?

Can't we recycle teabags already?

The Mayor of London claimed in a column you can't.

Yes, that's right.

Boris Johnson feels his life has been blighted

by regulations on teabag recycling,

although it turns out there aren't any.

Yeah, but still fair enough to be cross about it.

-Bloody Brussels!

-Yeah!

If we leave, it'll be the end of the booze cruise.

BUZZER Fear or fact?

-Suzanne.

-Definitely fear.

-Definitely a fear?

-Definitely fear.

The French are going to stop us going over there

and buying their booze? Not a chance.

Well, the Transport Secretary... SHE SIGHS

..Patrick McLoughlin,

he thinks there's a risk the EU might introduce customs limits

and stop us stocking up on 110 litres of beer,

90 litres of wine and ten litres of spirits.

On hearing this news, Nigel Farage tweeted...

Not really. That was actually Nigel's idea

of an April Fool's joke.

One reply to that tweet stated...

APPLAUSE

Do you regret sending that now, Suzanne?

Anyone want to hear a former Swedish prime minister's view on the EU?

Here he is on Newsnight with Evan Davis.

..and a former Swedish PM tells us if Britain can leave the EU,

be in the single market and have full border control.

No.

In other news this week,

Jeremy Corbyn announced he will be playing Glastonbury,

although he's refused to appear on the Pyramid Stage,

as he's opposed to any sort of hierarchical structure.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Paul.

-Donald Trump, he's...

Well, it could be anything with him, couldn't it?

Why is he so angry?

He's a billionaire, he's got a lovely wife

who loves him for his money - what is the...?

LAUGHTER

What is he so angry about?

I think he's angry cos he's just lost.

-He's lost in Wisconsin.

-Yes.

The whole sort of Trump bandwagon appears to be slowing up.

Yes, this is the news that Donald Trump may have finally

out-crazied the Republican Party.

He's lost votes with women

after making controversial comments on abortion

and then lost votes with women haters by trying to take them back.

That's a frequent accusation - "Politicians, they are too dull."

Well, he isn't dull.

-No.

-But do you want to be governed by him?

I want them as dull as possible.

Charismatic leaders in the past have led to all sorts of trouble.

I would say that...

APPLAUSE

The thought of him being in charge of America -

he can't even control the knob on his sunbed.

I think you should refer to him as his butler.

But this whole business about building the wall in Mexico

and the Mexicans will pay for it -

-that's not going to happen, is it? It's 1,000 miles long.

-Yeah.

They'll get a ladder.

What he's done is threaten to cut off the billions of dollars

Mexican immigrants send back from American to Mexico

unless Mexico make...

Let's see what the former Mexican president Vicente Fox

thought about that idea.

I'm not going to pay for that...

fuckin' wall!

-Made him angry, didn't it?

-Livid, he is.

-He's furious.

Can we just take a brief moment here to look at Donald Trump's mouth?

What is weird about it...

Someone on the internet spotted this -

you can replace his eyes with his mouth and he looks the same.

-There's him normally.

-Yeah.

-And then with mouths for eyes...

This is the news that Donald Trump

has lost the Republican primary in Wisconsin.

After a disastrous week, Trump's dreams lie in tatters.

He may never become president and therefore

may never be powerful enough to catch the eye of Wendi Deng.

According to the Mail, Heidi Cruz says

that her first date with Ted lasted hours, because...

Jesus, I'd take the Rohypnol myself.

This week saw criticism of Donald Trump

for retweeting photos of his wife next to Heidi Cruz.

British politicians were equally quick to condemn the photos,

except for Boris Johnson, who spent ten minutes trying to swipe left.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Uh...

-Paul.

Some cats can understand better accents than others.

-Some accents they don't get.

-They respond better to a Northern accent?

-No.

-They meow differently depending on where they live?

That is the right answer.

Well done. APPLAUSE

This is the news that scientists think cats

can pick up regional accents.

Before we get into the enormous detail of this story,

how do cats say "meow" in Germany, Henning?

Uh, "Meow!"

Are British meows under threat from Brussels, Suzanne?

The scientists behind this claim actually come from Sweden.

What noise do cats make in Sweden?

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-"Sven!"

APPLAUSE

They say...

And, finally, who would like to see a dog flying a plane?

Not for me!

There are certain things that I find entertaining

and certain things that are no-go.

Here we are, a Staffordshire bull terrier/collie cross,

called Shadow, took control of a plane at 3,000 feet.

Flying in a figure of eight circuit, following directions

from his trainer. Here he is.

-OK. This one, turn to right.

-Good, good.

'Shadow nails turn two, but next is the first of the key manoeuvres.'

-HENNING:

-Absolute garbage!

Not in a million years did that dog fly the plane.

Not after the last accident he had.

We actually had to stop it there because he had to go back

and serve drinks and nibbles.

As news broke that a dog had successfully taken

control of a plane, one passenger was quick to react.

What's the airline called, Woofthansa?

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

On The Lighter Side,

the magazine for international lighter collectors.

If you want to thumb through it,

it usually takes a few goes.

And we start with...

Attach two pieces of paper together.

And that's British!

An innocent enough idea in the pages of the lighter magazine,

though it led to a flood of hate mail from outraged readers

of Paperclip Digest.

Next...

Fuck-Face McGee.

That's the only one I can think of.

The answer is...

Next...

-SUZANNE:

-I know this one, I think.

Tried to get very large sofa into tiny car.

Is the right answer!

Next...

Justice.

APPLAUSE

Well, the answer is...

-SUZANNE:

-Ketchup?

-That is nothing to be scared of, really.

-And finally...

Justify the bombing of Dresden?

Here is what happened when one grandpa, Nonno Bill,

recently went to get his done in one of those modern photo booths.

So, the final scores are...

Ian and Henning have four

but this week's winners are Paul and Suzanne with six.

APPLAUSE

But just before we go, there is time for the caption competition.

After a rare moment of honesty,

Ian Hislop's career takes a downturn.

On which note...

LAUGHTER

..we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop

and Henning Wehn, Paul Merton and Suzanne Evans.

I leave you with news that,

as Fifa look to move away from accusations of corruption,

China reveals its bid for the 2030 World Cup.

At a retirement home in the North West, one relative

worries the standard of care might not be quite up to scratch.

And at a stoneworks in California,

a life-sized Kim Kardashian statue nears completion.

Good night.