Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Tracey Ullman.

In the news this week, producers on BBC Breakfast deny that the

move to Salford has affected the quality of the guests.

As fears grow about North Korea's nuclear capability,

there is evidence that they could

handle their volatile uranium isotopes more carefully.

And the Labour Party Rambling Club regret letting Jeremy Corbyn

and John McDonnell organise the team photo.

On Ian's team tonight is a BBC newsreader and journalist who says

the skill he'd most like to have is to be able to plaster a large wall.

And if he can acquire that skill,

Donald Trump's got just the job for him.

Please welcome Clive Myrie.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster and cleric who

recently said he'd spent more on drugs than a vicar should,

although he only realised that

when the Archdeacon queried his expenses claim.

Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Clive, take a look at this.

-Mr Whittingdale.

-Be very careful.

There's someone taking something off. Modern newspapers.

And it says, shock horror, he's flabbergasted, that man.

This is the story that nobody wanted to run.

About John Whittingdale,

who is the Secretary of State for Culture, Media, Sport.

-Minister of Fun.

-Minister of Fun!

I sense you're treading carefully here.

Four newspapers had the story about a Tory MP

and a prostitute who works in a dungeon.

And we've had the hysterical sight this week of lots of tabloid

editors saying, "Yeah, we're not interested in this story.

"It's not the sort of story we run, Tory MP, prostitute,

"she's a dominatrix. It is of no interest to us."

So how did the story come into the public consciousness, then?

Well, the story was going around,

and lots of newspapers investigated it, spent a huge amount of money

and resources and then they decided it wasn't for them.

Then it started appearing online, and then some stupid magazine

decided it's time to publish it in print.

We suggested that perhaps the public might like to know why

the story wasn't appearing.

And we suggested that the reason the story wasn't appearing

is, this is the man in charge of newspapers.

He's in charge of press regulation, he was chair of the Select

Committee for Culture and Media and Sport, and Minister for Fun!

And the story started when he took this prostitute, or sex worker,

as we now say, or dominatrix.

Or Miss Spanky.

You see, I'm trying to be responsible here.

And you're going all tabloid.

I'm just quoting from the card in the telephone box.

-Don't you think that "sex worker" lacks music?

-Yes.

She can play the trombone.

It sounds to me like she's in the Village People or something.

It's a bit kind of gruff, isn't it?

I just thought, you know, Magdalen,

perhaps something like that would be better.

-Romantic liaison officer?

-Something like that.

To be fair to the press, they have made it clear that they don't

-do kiss and tell stories any more.

-No.

They've learned their lesson from Leveson.

Except during the period they had the Whittingdale story,

they ran stories about Brooks Newmark, Tory MP you'd never

heard of, Simon Danczuk,

every single jot and tittle of his sex life, they ran in full.

They ran the Labour peer, his sex life, prostitute, the whole thing.

Except, in the case of the man who's in charge of regulating

the press and beating up the BBC,

"Oh, we don't run that sort of story.

"We only run the stories about everyone else."

APPLAUSE

His affair with the dominatrix lasted for six months,

until he broke it off when he found out about her occupation.

And the revelation was covered in the Daily Telegraph...

It's so close, isn't it?

Has his relationship with the dominatrix put

John Whittingdale in a compromising position?

Well, we don't know, do we?

Not now, no.

Wasn't there some issue about him having taken her to the MTV Awards

and not having declared it fully on the MPs' Register of Interests?

Yes, he did take this lady to the MTV Awards

and he didn't declare it on the register.

Was it because it was the MTV Awards?

You wouldn't want to own up to that, particularly, would you?

What has Downing Street had to say on the matter?

Downing Street can't say much about transparency at the moment, can it?

They probably said today it was a private matter.

In about a week's time, they'll be saying something else.

I just really want to see her tax returns.

..they're saying,

and thanks for distracting attention away from all that tax stuff.

Which story is the press more interested in publishing, but can't?

They are very interested in that celebrity couple and the threesome.

-Yes.

-Yes!

-But that's a story of huge national interest.

But you see, that's the point.

The point is, with the Whittingdale story,

there's only two people involved.

That's why they're not running it.

Do you want to name the people under the injunction? Go on.

-You can do that.

-No, I think it would be better coming from you.

-You have more authority.

-People would like it. Go on!

We don't know who they are, though in certain parts of the

United Kingdom, the name has been revealed, which suggests...

Scotland.

We are allowed to say the word Scotland.

You're right, their names have been published in America, Canada,

by a newspaper in Scotland and by a political blogger in Ireland.

But I mean, it would be interesting to find out,

cos obviously, we're not going to say anything about it,

but it would be interesting to ask the audience if they know.

Not say out loud, but just put your hand up

-if you know who we're talking about.

-Whoa!

-That's virtually everybody.

-It's Ryan Giggs.

-LAUGHTER

What, potentially, would be the punishment

for breaking this injunction at this point?

-I think you'd be guilty of contempt of court.

-Right.

And you'd be breaking an injunction. That's a pretty serious charge.

Those of us who have been guilty of it before...

-LAUGHTER

-..are pretty damn wary.

You know the subject very well.

We'll get the story eventually and everyone will go, "Oh.

"Oh, is it them? Oh, I thought they might be doing that."

I did.

Well, as you say...

Are we thinking of the same people?

How is the House of Commons Speaker John Bercow involved?

Last time, there were super injunctions

and injunctions with famous people,

Members of the House of Parliament got round it

by just shouting out the names in the middle of debates.

So you're having a debate about, I don't know,

International Women's Day or fiscal attitudes to the United States

and you'd shout, "Ryan Giggs!"

And everyone thought was very funny. And it was privileged.

But this time he said, "Everyone is going to behave,

"I'm not going to have people being silly

"and just shouting out the names of the celebrities."

So, he's, as ever, rather ruined the fun.

The Archbishop of Canterbury - friend of yours?

-Well, yes.

-Yes.

-You could hardly say he was your arch-enemy, could you?

-Not really.

Had his own bit of a scandal this week, didn't he, Richard,

when it was revealed his father wasn't who he thought he was?

Not really a scandal, but it did raise an interesting technicality,

because up until 1950, if you were, to use a rather un-nuanced word,

a bastard, meaning someone born illegitimately,

you couldn't be ordained,

and thus you couldn't have been the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Of course he's not the first bishop to have been thought a bastard

by his clergy, but I couldn't possibly say any more about that.

But this was a story which the Daily Telegraph,

having lectured everyone else about sleaziness,

went in full steam ahead.

"Yeah, Archbishop's mum, bit of a slapper! Let's get the details.

"She was pissed all the time, apparently. Legless!"

Well, we know the stories about the Archbishop and the actress,

we've heard them over the years. They were based on fact.

But he came out of it very well, I thought.

He came out of it beautifully.

It was a very beautiful, gracious, generous statement,

and so did she, and we kind of move on.

And if that can rescue my ecclesiastical career,

good luck to it.

What hasn't helped Ukip's Scottish election campaign?

Oh, putting up candidates was a mistake.

Letting people know that they were there.

I don't know, what is it?

Ukip activist Jack Neill posted a picture of himself on Facebook.

Let's have a look.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Yeah.

Now... But, hang on, hang on,

there's a perfectly good explanation, as usual, with Ukip.

LAUGHTER

Is he the culture secretary?

Just to be clear, he's not a black man

that's whited up from the neck down, is he? Let's just be clear.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, there could be a trick photo.

I don't think so.

No, Mr Jack Jardine, Mr Neill's colleague,

has said - he's the Ukip candidate in Scotland - he said...

LAUGHTER

-That's the best I've ever heard.

-Yeah.

-Easily.

There's a huge spot on his nose, by the look of it.

There might be some credence to his story.

Well, finally, let's return to where this all began -

the BBC's Newsnight presenter Evan Davis seems to have knowledge

of yet another MP's intimate details.

And a little earlier, I spoke to the Shadow Foreign Secretary,

Hilary Big Benn.

APPLAUSE

This is the sensational news story about the government minister

having sex with a woman who turned out to be a prostitute.

Whilst it's true that Culture Secretary John Whittingdale

did go out with a dominatrix, we should make it clear

that he did absolutely nothing wrong

apart from when he'd been a very, very bad boy.

After the tabloids published the story, Labour complained that...

Some people would have paid 50 quid extra for that.

Hacked Off has been accused of hypocrisy for suggesting

that one rule should apply to the likes of Hugh Grant

and another to John Whittingdale.

I'm not sure whose side I'm on,

but I will say this for Hugh Grant,

at least he knows a prostitute when he sees one.

-Oh, dear.

-I suppose that's a kind of compliment, isn't it?

Yeah!

Paul and Richard, please take a look at this.

There's David Cameron there, filling out his tax form.

Boris Brexiting his breeks.

Going for the working-class vote there.

And what the hell's going on?

LAUGHTER

-Cracks - wallpaper.

-"Where's your husband, Mrs Roberts?"

"Shoosh, he's behind the bunker."

Well, this is, of course, a continuing row about tax

and personal wealth,

and why are so many Conservative MPs just furious with David Cameron?

He published his tax return,

and now they all feel they've got to pile in with their tax returns.

So we discover that Boris earned, I think,

it was 600 and something thousand pounds a couple of years ago.

He paid tax on it, so no story there,

but that's kind of interesting. George Osborne has published his

and I think Jeremy Corbyn has had to publish his too.

The Tory MPs, they're probably worried

because it will set a precedent now

and whoever is going to be the next leader sometime down the line

after Cameron will also have to do this thing.

It's like holding them hostages to fortune,

-I think, is the complaint.

-But isn't that why Boris did it,

-because he thinks is going to be the next leader?

-Oh, yeah.

I think he partly did it just to show how much he earns!

He does seem to have an awful lot of jobs.

Member of Parliament, Mayor of London, columnist in this and that.

Telegraph. Writer of books.

And he still finds time for all his extracurricular...activities.

-Allegedly.

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then, of course, everyone piled in on Jeremy Corbyn.

I saw a story that he had...

Somehow it was presented as if he had somehow screwed

the National Exchequer out of three million quid,

which was simply his wages for being an MP

and his pension entitlement.

Not as if he's kind of stamped the faces of the poor

in order to get it.

No, it's a typical parochial distraction -

we spend the whole week looking at people's tax returns.

Whereas the story about Panama was, how do we stop the world's

rich, bent money launderers, crooks and despots hiding all their money?

Do you know, I love that company name in Panama, the Mossack Fonseca.

It sounds like a liqueur, doesn't it?

Oh, we love that at Christmas.

I like a nice glass of the Mossack Fonseca, it's marvellous.

Bite into the chocolate. It's a weird name to me.

Jeremy Corbyn had an unlikely ally this week.

-Do you know who that was?

-David Cameron.

-Erm...

-You did say unlikely.

Well, he did say...he did say,

"I don't agree with Mr Corbyn on many things but I'm glad to see

"that he has come out in support of staying in Europe."

-No.

-Not him?

No, Paul, it was Danny DeVito.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

That was my second guess!

He told the Press Association that he's a big-time

supporter of Jeremy Corbyn,

who was the best leader that Labour have had in years, adding...

Danny DeVito also said...

OK, Danny, a lot of your films were a bit shit.

APPLAUSE

There was a furious clash at Prime Minister's Question Time,

-did you see that?

-Yeah.

-Where Corbyn made a joke.

It was quite good. Don't laugh!

No, nobody did, but...

-But they did laugh at Dennis Skinner.

-Yes.

He made a characteristically salty intervention, didn't he? Dodgy Dave.

-Yeah.

-And then he got told off by John Bercow, who made him go

and sit on the naughty step, didn't he, and calm down?

-"You're not allowed to call the Prime Minister dodgy."

-No.

Parliamentary convention is that you can't call into question

the honour of a Member of Parliament, apparently.

Imagine that!

We're not allowed to show the workings

of British Parliamentary democracy

on this show, so here's an artist's impression of that moment.

Gosh, I feel I'm there.

I know!

Who are the couple at the door waiting to get married?

It's Mr Whittingdale and his friend from the Village People.

It'd be good if the phone went, "It's the Whips' Office. You or me?"

What's Sir Alan Duncan been saying about it all?

Oh, yes, he was talking about the suggestion that

if you have to publish your tax return if you are an ordinary MP

then that will mean the lower orders entering Parliament.

Yeah, he said there will be no more high achievers.

-No more high achievers.

-Brackets - like himself.

-Yeah.

No, the thought that Alan Duncan thinks he's a high achiever...

He did indeed say this place would become...

Well, in the real world, where Alan apparently lives,

he gets paid £615 per hour to advise an Emirates oil company.

We've all done that.

His first achievement in politics was to buy a council house

under someone else's name under the scheme

where you could get them cheap,

and he had to resign when that was revealed.

I mean, his whole career has been one of high achievement

if you consider achievement shaming the House of Commons.

APPLAUSE

Well, this is the news that David Cameron has voluntarily been

forced into publishing a summary of his tax return.

Amongst other things,

the documents reveal that David Cameron received...

To be fair, that was for his birthday AND Christmas.

And so to Round Two,

a brand-new feature which I'm calling

the Hall of Mirrors of News.

I'm going to show you some images distorted in a fairground

hall of mirrors, and I want you to tell me what the story is.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Well, you needn't have bothered distorting that - we've got no idea.

I mean, it's puzzling as it is.

Is it the Scandi version of the Adele single?

This is the news that there is finally a number you could

-dial to talk to a random person in Sweden...

-A Swede?

-Yeah.

Yes, that's right, yeah.

..to celebrate the 250-year anniversary of Sweden

-abolishing censorship.

-Oh.

We should ring up and say, "Who's the celebrity couple?"

Let's do that right now.

You shouldn't ask them, according to the Guardian,

things about Ikea and Abba.

They really are sick of that. You know what they're really sick of?

They've had it with that!

Hoo-da-hoo-da-hoo-da! Had it with that.

I had a very embarrassing moment in Sweden as a clergyman.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

I was over for work stuff, seeing some people,

and they said, "Do you want to come round later?"

I said, "Yeah, sure."

And so I went round and then we all had to have a sauna together.

And I found myself with these strangers, completely naked

in a sauna, and we had to thrash ourselves with birch twigs.

And I said to John Whittingdale, "I don't know about you..."

APPLAUSE

I have a vision of you entirely naked but with a dog collar on.

Standards must be maintained, yeah.

This is the phone line that gives you the opportunity to phone

any Swedish person at random and have a chat.

Swedish student Wilmer told the Guardian...

One caller was quick to react.

APPLAUSE

Brilliant.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. It's just one between you this week.

Your four are...

Sir Nigel Gresley,

Shirley Bassey,

Margaret Thatcher

and John Walker, the inventor of the friction match.

The friction match? Hmm. Is that a dating site?

There is a statue of Mrs Thatcher going up

and Carol complained that there wasn't a handbag on it.

-That's right.

-That looks like a train.

Yes. If you get the story about him, you'll get the rest of it.

-OK, tell us what the story is.

-Yeah, we've no idea who he is.

That's Nigel Gresley, he designed the Mallard,

and they were going to put a statue up to him

and somebody thought, the designer of the statue,

that it'd be nice to have a mallard next to him.

People said, "This is insulting.

"We can't have a duck." "We're going to have a duck."

"No, we're not going to have a duck."

So it's about what has been placed or taken away.

So it must be like Margaret Thatcher's handbag, you mentioned.

-So duck for him...

-Duck for him.

-Mm-hmm.

Is there a frictionless match next to the statue of John Walker?

Well, you're right. All of the statues have something missing,

except for John Walker, whose statue is of someone else altogether.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Here's the statue. It's John Walker,

an actor who looked pretty much like John Walker, the match inventor.

So they just commissioned the wrong one?

The council have tried to make amends.

In 2001, they put this up at a roundabout.

That's better, isn't it(?)

And so, Nigel Gresley, you were, indeed, right, Paul.

He was very fond of waterfowl and named the trains

he designed after them.

The original statue was like this.

But after complaints from Gresley's fans, the duck was eliminated.

This has caused seismic tremors in the Gresley Society Trust.

According to BBC News...

Leaving no-one.

Does give the possibility that there could be a sleeper train

called The Shag, doesn't it, if he'd followed it through?

Are you sure you're cut out to be a vicar?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You seem to be fighting something.

That's just what the bishop said to me in the last e-mail. There you go.

And Shirley Bassey has been immortalised as Boadicea

in a 20-foot high gold-coloured statue in front of Caernarfon Castle

in Wales. But there is a whole where the heart should be,

Packed with body-filler and sanded to smooth finish

Shirley Bassey was guest of honour at the unveiling.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features, as its guest publication,

Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News.

It comes out on Friday, but they can't say exactly when.

And we start with...

-CLIVE:

-Stopcock.

Is it Jeremy Clarkson?

-It's the Werewolf of Worcester.

-Yes, the Werewolf.

The Werewolf of Worcester.

Robert Ingram, who was driving through the area with his wife,

drew the creature they saw. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

He said...

At least they'd be able to draw it better.

Next...

Pours chocolate sauce over Labrador.

-RICHARD:

-Ices own paunch.

LAUGHTER

That's excellent.

I think that's the best answer we've ever had.

Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.

That should be the answer to every single question from now on.

Do you know what he did?

And here they are.

LAUGHTER

Next...

-CLIVE:

-The return of the colour avocado.

-RICHARD:

-Norovirus.

APPLAUSE

Because it is a report in Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News,

that says...

Well, it's not integrated speakers they need, it's more fibre.

And finally...

Whenever I see terrible injustice in the world.

Whenever I see a fully-working immersion heater up on a wall,

my throat starts to seize up and I smile.

-Whenever I accidentally ice my own paunch...

-Yeah.

..my throat starts to seize up and I just smile.

-Yeah, trying to make the best of it.

-Yeah.

This is from the letters page

of Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News,

alongside Rod Chambers' letter on frictional resistance

in old sewerage pipes, for which the editor paid him £100...

not to contact him again.

So, the final scores are

Paul and Red Richard, 5,

Ian and Clive, 3.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

-CLIVE:

-Giant head lice outbreak in schools!

Nit nurse fired.

Photographer asks, "Can you move sideways a bit?"

APPLAUSE

Next...

Is this the celebrity threesome?

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that, on her arrival in Brussels,

Angela Merkel is assured by the Belgian Prime Minister

that there is nothing to worry about.

As the latest series of The Voice draws to a close,

the judges regret crowning their winners

without turning their chairs around.

And after eight hours killing time on the Tube, an unemployed man,

still pretending to have a job, can finally go home to his wife.

You've been watching Ice My Paunch.

Goodnight.