Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week,

Amazon denies that its drivers are losing patience

with customers who aren't in when they try to deliver.

In the Gulf of Mexico,

after successfully smuggling a kilo of cocaine,

a drug lord's highly trained raccoon makes a last-minute slip-up.

And on the outskirts of Cambridge,

a technology company unveils its robot simulation

of the final stages of Eddie Izzard's 27th marathon.

Very accurate, that. Yeah.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who recently made a show in Sri Lanka

and says the locals were chatty and hospitable,

but he yearned for the cold indifference

of Londoners back home.

Whatever. Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who has described himself

as an "action transvestite".

To this day, Hasbro's worst-selling toy.

Please welcome Eddie Izzard.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Eddie, take a look at this.

Ah, the Queen, God bless her. There she is.

Ah, sorry, there she is.

The Queen is nine years old.

This is not the time to be practising his archery.

And that's when cousins marry.

She has run out of smiles.

She's...she's... I just...

Earlier, they were lighting a thing that goes on

and they said the Queen looked very happy, and she does not.

The Queen's incredibly popular,

people are very worried what happens after she dies.

So I suggest she should remain queen after she dies.

I think that would solve all the problems,

and all the other heirs to the throne

can go on and on and wave, and all the other stuff.

-They can do, like, a hologram.

-LAUGHTER

I don't know why you're laughing, I think it's perfectly...

I think there should be new waving.

I think the "I'm curving my hand around a candle" wave is odd

and someone should teach...

"Imagine you're cleaning a window", you should say to her.

I think just bring them really up to date.

Just "Brrap-brrap-brrap!"

-EDDIE:

-That could work, but I think

if the Queen was in the chariot, going along,

and she's going, "Dave!"

Occasionally, a bit of that, cos that always works, doesn't it?

That works on stage, you come on stage, you go...

-Occasionally...

-HE CLICKS TONGUE

"Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!"

-Just live it, live it large a bit.

-ROMESH:

-Just once, just once,

if she was just... then she just went...

Just once would be amazing. Imagine the coverage.

There would be a three-hour special on that. A series.

The Duke of Edinburgh's done it quite a lot.

So she's 90 and that's it.

How did she kick off the birthday celebrations?

The bumps.

-She went to visit the delivery office in Windsor.

-Yes.

Sadly, there was no-one in, so she had to go next door.

But that was the official kick-off of the celebrations.

Several commemorative stamps are being issued...

-Yes.

-..for the occasion.

Why was this a difficult photoshoot? What was the challenge?

There was a problem with the boy.

They needed to get all their heads on the same level

and he's extremely inconsiderate

and he's...he's not very tall.

I think there's five stamps. There's four of their heads

and one of that little stack that he's standing on.

They are just old photo cases, I think.

Literally, the photographer hadn't thought

beforehand, so he improvised.

So it hadn't occurred to him

that George might be shorter than the other people?

And it was a surprise - it was, like, "Oh, my gosh.

"You look a lot bigger in the official photos.

"I had no idea."

He could've cropped the books out and made it look like he had

extraordinarily long legs - that's what I would've done.

Of course, they couldn't do that because they needed

each head to be a stamp.

What horrible pressure on the Queen -

you've got a picture of her head now

next to a picture of her head when she was a lot younger.

It feels a bit harsh, doesn't it?

It's the sort of thing the Daily Mail would do.

"Hasn't she aged badly?

"1957, she looked a lot younger.

-"Look, she's old!"

-That's actually an anomaly, though.

You don't normally get two Queen's heads on a stamp.

If the Queen's own face is on a stamp,

you get a crown, not the silhouette.

But cos this is a slightly odd photoshoot,

to fit everything in, they figured they couldn't put a crown in,

so they got two Queen's heads.

It's very exciting for stamp collectors.

It is - as are most things.

APPLAUSE

-ROMESH:

-Sorry, but that kid's head on a stamp

is one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

I would post the letter just to get it out of my possession.

Normal people who aren't stamp collectors

would use the stamps, peel them off,

but you can still keep the remaining portrait -

there you go.

I tell you what, that headless child,

still not as creepy as the one with just his head on.

What has 83-year-old Ben Bennett erected in his garden in Windsor...

Oh, oh...!

..put up in his garden in Windsor to celebrate the birthday?

An effigy of the Queen - a 12ft effigy.

-It is a 12ft effigy of the Queen.

-Is it?

-Yes.

Yes, and the Duke of Edinburgh.

Why is she next to a sex offender?

Sorry - I'm referring to the head rather than the man in the red.

Just in case the lawyer's suddenly woken up.

Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.

Mr Bennett said...

Can he name them?

Enough of this chat.

-It's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.

-Right.

-Yes.

What did former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond

see inside the Queen's handbag

when it fell open during a trip to Pakistan?

BUZZER Yes?

Bags of heroin.

No.

-BUZZER

-No, not that.

-Cigarettes.

No.

The Duke of Edinburgh.

No - I can tell you,

Jennie Bond exclusively revealed in this week's Daily Mirror...

It is really desperate, this coverage, isn't it?

A hanky and a mirror -

handy if you want to take some heroin.

"And as the royal finger dabs into the mound..."

Next one - we know that the Queen owns all the swans in Britain.

What else does she own that shares its name

with a well-known politician?

BUZZER

Buckingham Palace? The Duke of Buckingham?

No - a well-known current politician.

-Not somebody in the English Civil War?

-No.

-Wasn't clear in the question, you see.

-I'm so sorry.

It's sturgeon.

She owns all the sturgeons?

The Queen owns all the sturgeon, dolphins and whales

in British waters.

Do they know this?

Final question in the Quick Queen Quiz,

how did German magazine Der Spiegel

celebrate the Queen's birthday?

-Um...

-Did they...?

-BELL

Did they make a sculpture of her out of...stuff they found?

They put a touching tribute on their front page.

There we go, that's...

It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles.

APPLAUSE

Who flew in specially to visit the Queen?

BUZZER

President Obama.

-It was President Obama.

-Oh!

-And his wife.

He popped in for lunch,

and who did President Obama express no interest in meeting

while he was here?

Was it Jeremy Corbyn?

It was Jeremy Corbyn.

Um...which is, you know, a big surprise,

after 20 years of Corbyn talking about

the fascist hegemony of the United States.

-The sickening capitalist...

-Hell of a good band, though,

The Fascist Hegemony of the United States - stormed Woodstock.

Weren't Jeremy Corbyn's people a little bit embarrassed?

Weren't they saying, "We're still making up our minds

"about whether we're meeting President Obama",

and then he said, "I don't want to meet you anyway, mate"?

-That would be embarrassing.

-That's exactly right.

According to the Times...

Jeremy may turn down the chance

of not meeting the President.

Slightly awkward. Staying with Jeremy Corbyn,

what does he become...?

He's not staying with Jeremy Corbyn!

God, times are hard.

That's embarrassing, staying with Jeremy Corbyn,

but doesn't want to talk to him at all the whole time he's here.

There's a new job being advertised within the Labour Party.

NUDE job or NEW job?

A new job. A new job. What job is being advertised?

Leader.

It's actually for the post of

Leader's Office Media Spokesperson

and...not saying Jeremy Corbyn

should be nervous,

but under "Duration", it says...

Yes, this is the wonderful news that the Queen is 90 years old

and still going strong.

Several national events are planned to celebrate

this momentous royal milestone, including...

Lovely.

Terrific. And...

It's a no from me.

According to one of the many fact-filled

royal pull-outs this week...

Yes, it's called the taxpayer.

The Queen has bred corgis with dachshunds

which are known as "dorgis" though, of course,

that could just be her way of pronouncing "doggies".

Ian and Romesh, take a look at this.

That's my inspiration.

That's a headmistress after one of his policies on education.

That's the Remain camp, hitting the phones.

Boris, digging himself out of another situation.

Well, this is week 17 of the big Brexit debate.

And it's all go this week.

There's a speech from Gove, which shocked everyone,

because it was sort of... not terrible.

What I quite like is the fact that they have all been talking

about how they don't want to scare anyone into making a decision,

and then Michael Gove compared it to a hostage situation!

-Which feels like the sort of opposite.

-Yes, he said...

Do you know what I think the problem with that is?

When people use analogies that are purely from

their own life experience - I just think that's...

It's funny you should say that. The Sun mocked up a picture

to show us what that would look like.

That's an old NUT promotional photo, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

There's some teachers in!

George Osborne said that leaving the EU would cost £4,300 per household.

Who'd be taking it?

Well, because the economy is going to shrink by 6%, apparently,

if we leave the EU. So this money would not be available.

George Osborne put out this massive dossier with loads of equations...

-Yeah.

-..and dummy variables and all of this crap...

Let's have a look at that equation.

Who...? If you are trying to get somebody onside to an argument,

you don't use algebra!

That's...

-EDDIE:

-That's not the real one, is it?

-Yes!

That's what people hated the most!

That is the equation that George Osborne unveiled...

It's all variables that you can't predict

so those equations are absolutely meaningless.

The last four letters seem to spell "eejit".

APPLAUSE

Who was with George Osborne when he made his big speech,

-did you see that?

-Liz Truss was there.

-It was.

Environment Secretary Liz Truss.

-She's not always been a big fan of the EU, of course.

-No.

And she was once quite worried

about how much of their dairy produce comes to Britain.

-Mm.

-We couldn't see that, could we?

Let's have a look.

We import two-thirds of our cheese.

LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO

That is a disgrace.

But if the consequences of leaving the EU are so terrible,

why are they letting us vote on it at all?

Well, it's...

Am I going to get into this? I'm a positive person.

Basically, if we...

I start this discussion with if we want a world

where seven billion people all have a fair chance,

we've got try to make Europe work.

If we want to make it work,

we've got to be inside it to make it work.

Running and hiding is just not the British way.

Standing and fighting is what we should do.

So I'm for standing and fighting.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The idea of running and hiding does sound pretty cool, though.

I... It sort of implies that if we leave the EU,

they won't be able to find us.

"Where's Britain gone?" "I've got no idea.

"Left the EU, I haven't seen them for a few months."

Eddie, you're pro-EU.

Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?

Oh, I don't know!

Oh, this is a thing, this is a thing.

I thought you were just talking to me. Um...

LAUGHTER

-ROMESH:

-We have been recording this whole time.

Could it be... Could it be thinking people of the United Kingdom?

No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.

If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the face

when he doesn't get a steak, who can you trust?

That's what I say. Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...

So why is he in favour of it, then?

Who were the big... Who are the big celebrity leavers, the big outers?

-Ian Botham.

-Yes.

Katie Hopkins, isn't she Leave?

Hmm... I don't know...

I think we want HER to leave, I think it's the other way around.

The list I've got here is...

Ian Botham, Eddie the Eagle, Joan Collins and Frederick Forsyth.

It's like a Parkinson from the '80s!

Amazing line-up(!)

What irritated Boris Johnson this week?

A rash.

While Boris Johnson was making his speech,

the reporter Michael Crick was doing a piece to camera at the same time.

Let's have a look.

Well, as you heard there, the typical Boris Johnson rhetoric.

I was talking earlier to people in the crowd...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

One of the interesting little incidents we caught...

-Excuse me, I'm live on television.

-Well, could you keep quiet?

-All right, all right.

-The guy is trying to talk.

-OK, OK.

-And you interrupted.

-I'm just trying to explain what's going on here.

-Well, so is he.

-OK. The... Earlier, the...

LAUGHTER

Excuse me, you're... Excuse me.

I'm just trying to explain... OK.

-STUDIO PRESENTER:

-Are you all right there, Michael?

-I think maybe we'll leave you there for now.

-Fine.

This is the debate on Europe, which has generated so many column inches.

George Osborne issued a stark warning that Brexit would cost...

Blimey, that's four rolls of his dad's wallpaper!

The President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker,

admitted that the British public are fed up with hearing about...

But enough about that celebrity injunction.

And so to round two, the Strength-o-Meter Of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER Paul and Eddie?

Yes, this is Johnny Depp and his wife have been fined

because they smuggled... They didn't think they were smuggling,

but that's what they were doing, dogs into Australia,

which you are not allowed to do because of quarantine laws.

They do say that dogs end up looking like their owners,

and there is a...perfect example of it beginning to happen genetically.

-Do you know the dogs' names?

-Er...Boo?

-Yeah, they're called...

That alone is worth community service.

Yeah, they took them into Australia without the right paperwork

and Johnny Depp's wife, Amber Heard,

she could have got ten years in prison.

What was the key to their defence?

She wouldn't like to be in prison for ten years?

Because they're incredibly famous, the Australian authorities said,

if they made a video and they were very, very sorry,

then they would let them off the prison sentence.

I would quite like to have seen Johnny Depp apologise

for his version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory as well, actually.

Well, let's have a look at the video.

Australia is a wonderful island

with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people.

It has to be protected.

Australia is free of many pests and diseases

that are commonplace around the world.

That is why Australia has to have such strong bio-security laws.

And Australians are just as unique. Both warm and direct.

LAUGHTER

If you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly.

I'm truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared.

Protecting Australia is important.

Declare everything when you enter Australia.

Did you find that a sincere apology, Paul?

-Were you convinced?

-No.

I think he was drunk.

The internet was sceptical.

Twitter user Scott suggested it looked like

when you Skype your parents and...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Staying with the celebrities - you'll know this, Ian -

which famous pop star made an unlikely appearance

on the Isle of Skye last week?

That's right. It was Kanye West, of course.

I thought that WAS one of the islands.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, you'd only know he was there

if you were a very eagle-eyed reader of the West Highland Free Press.

This appeared on page 16

next to a small story about a kayaker saving some sheep.

It said...

The story continued...

LAUGHTER

That's proper journalism.

-Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

-Yeah.

Just one between you this week. Your four are...

Midsomer Murders, Captain Calamity,

Thriplow Daffodil Festival

and a VHS of the 1986 Snooker World Championship.

Captain Calamity was the one

-who kept being rescued by the coastguard?

-That's right, yes.

His bike proved to be useless at sea.

Yes, he had to be rescued nine times,

sailing from Norway to America.

They had to call out the coastguard in Norway, Denmark,

Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland, Scotland,

and Cornwall, which is where they ended up in January,

-about 3,000 miles short of the target.

-Blimey.

So did he arrive in Cornwall thinking he'd made it?

Was he expecting to see Indians?

I mean, it was a bit of a calamity, wasn't it?

It was.

Were there no daffodils out in the daffodil festival?

Which I find is a problem.

I think the picture of the police, the top left-hand corner,

that is the odd one out.

No, it's not. Shall I tell you?

They've all failed to live up to their names...

-Apart from Captain Calamity...

-Who is a calamity.

Who is a calamity.

-That's really thin.

-Yeah, that's...

Controversially, an episode of Midsomer Murders was screened

in which there were no murders.

There is normally a murder.

I mean, the death rate there is higher than Kabul.

So why wasn't there a murder?

Well, it turned out the victim wasn't really dead -

not to spoil it for anyone who's going to watch it.

So what happened? Was he just taking a nap or something? Just for ages?

-Is anyone a fan of Midsomer Murders? ROMESH:

-Big fan.

When I'm at home, all I watch is either Midsomer Murders

or that Johnny Depp video.

That VHS of the 1986 World Snooker Championships

belonged to the 1986 champion...

-Dennis Taylor, was it?

-It was Joe Johnson.

-Joe Johnson.

But he told the Guardian...

-The Joe Johnson story I find quite poignant.

-Yes.

Cos it was a big moment. He was an amateur who hadn't even

been expected to qualify for that 1986 tournament.

He gave this assessment of his chances at the time. He said...

"I was playing Bill Werbeniuk a few months before.

LAUGHTER

And then he won, but they'd wiped the video.

What did he do to his children? Did he kill them?

Cos that would be fair.

At the Thriplow Daffodil Festival, there were no daffodils.

-Right.

-Because of the warm winter,

all of the daffodils have bloomed early. Now they're dead.

What happens at the festival when there ARE daffodils?

-Do you just go and look at them?

-Yeah, just look at them.

Isn't it a massive blessing they weren't there?

It sounds dreadful.

-It's not just daffodils.

-You're so miserable!

It's a daffodil festival - what do you expect? Tulips?

There are many different sorts of daffodil.

-Are there? Really?

-Of course there are.

Oh, I didn't know that.

-Different shades, different colours.

-Now you've piqued my interest.

-What do you do that's so exciting?

-What do I do?

-Yeah.

Eh, I went to an asparagus festival.

Yes, all of these things have failed to live up to their names,

apart from Steve Shapiro, aka Captain Calamity,

who has given up sailing.

Midsomer Murders is filmed in Oxfordshire,

where no real crimes are committed,

as we all remember from the Rebekah Brooks case.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

the Cucumber Growers' Association e-cucumber newsletter.

It's a fairly tasteless publication.

We start with...

Check out the wait in A&E.

APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-This is from the e-cucumber newsletter

about a range of new recipes

-designed to increase cucumber consumption.

-Yes.

E-cucumber newsletter suggests recipes such as...

Although if you're making this at home and you don't have any cucumber

to hand, you can always just use nothing instead.

Next...

Donald Trump.

Piers Morgan.

-ROMESH:

-Sky-diving.

No.

Yes, an American man...

Is there a special button on the computer you should never press?

An American man took sleeping pills and awoke the next day

to find he'd been shopping at an online company called...

The unnamed man cancelled the order for over 3,000, explaining...

We should stop using that name.

Jerry Hall is googling it and looking for wedding venues.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next...

-ROMESH:

-Huge duck army absolutely massacres tiny duck army.

Faces massive bill.

APPLAUSE

This is a vineyard in South Africa

that uses an army of 800 ducks to control pests. Next...

Does not bother woman with 19-foot corridor.

The Cucumber Growers' Association...

-ROMESH:

-That must be...

-That must be the finale for the daffodil festival.

-Yeah.

-Here it is. EDDIE:

-Is that real?

It looks a bit like a dirigible.

It's got a handle in the middle of it, look.

It's as if they're going to pick it up there and...

-ROMESH:

-Break down the doors of a massive salad.

Next...

As seagulls target pates.

-Good enough.

-What?!

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

It is a bird one. This is about an owl terrorising people in Devon.

One bald victim of the so-called Terror Owl

was Richard Clevedon Smith,

who reluctantly agreed to recreate the incident for the local paper.

I see that in the photograph behind him,

the local Beatles tribute band are...

LAUGHTER

..restaging the cover to Abbey Road.

APPLAUSE

Finally...

Whenever Roger Beard puts on his cucumber suit,

Roger Cucumber puts on his beard suit.

LAUGHTER

In fact...

ROMESH CONTINUES LAUGHING

Have you got a picture of the two of them standing next to each other?

Well, actually, that's a rather moot point,

because the answer is...

Now, yes, here is Roger in his suit.

What a ridiculous outfit...

the Cucumber Growers' Association is.

So the final scores are...

Ian and Romesh have four, Paul and Eddie have six.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Here, mate, want to buy an invisible kestrel?

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Romesh Ranganathan, Paul Merton and Eddie Izzard.

I leave you with news

that at the Institute of Chartered Accountants' spring ball,

they come to the conclusion that they're just not conga people.

In Missouri, on hearing the words, "I could still be president",

a child suffers an instant reaction.

And on a walkabout in an amusement park,

David Cameron mistakenly believes a member of the public

is asking him to buy two ice creams.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE