Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Katherine Ryan.

In the news this week, there's a product recall from Cow & Gate

after evidence emerges that their rusks may contain steroids.

SCREAMS

On Newsnight, journalist John Sweeney delivers a report

on BBC cuts without realising that he himself has just been sacked.

NO SOUND

And intense training begins for those police officers

who will be on duty at this year's Notting Hill Carnival.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is currently

in a Sky 1 comedy about a dead-end non-league football team.

It's tough, week after week, going out to a tiny crowd,

but that's Sky 1 for you.

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster

who recently wrote a book called The Seven Secrets Of Happiness.

Number five is, "Don't get stuck in a lift with Gyles Brandreth."

Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.

Yes, the Beatles are getting back together.

There's only two of them left, unfortunately.

-I don't know what that is. A U-turn?

-No, it's going to be Boris.

Oh, yes, doing a try-out for Top Gear.

It's gone very black and white.

And that's the new Top Gear season starting off,

they're test-driving the new Ford Shed.

It's about the European Union referendum.

Nobody knows which way it is going to go

and nobody knows quite which way it should go.

All we do know is that it will mean the end of the world.

We're inviting Armageddon, then?

-If we vote exit, apparently, everything will collapse.

-Yeah.

Already Barbara Windsor has committed suicide on EastEnders

in anticipation of Brexit.

Our houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War,

it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling,

but of course, if we say "in",

we will then be overwhelmed by 200 million people a week...

..arriving on our shores.

-Most of them apparently from Turkey, but not delightful.

-Yep.

I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides.

I feel in a way that I am.

I'm ready to be because the truth is, I know that we don't know

-because I have been there before.

-What, you've been a Tory MP?

-Yes.

-And you know they know nothing.

-Can I say...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The truth is...we don't know.

But the truth is, nobody knows anything.

And I do remember, 20 years ago, we went through all of this

and I was actually in the Treasury on the day we came out of the ERM.

Standing at the back of the crowd with the present Prime Minister,

David Cameron, we were office juniors.

And at the beginning of the day there was this thing called the exchange rate mechanism.

It was all part of joining the single currency.

We were all in favour of it, or we were against it.

It's not The One Show, you can use some bigger words.

Don't interrupt Gyles whilst he's doing his one-man show.

I nearly missed it, I took a while to park my car. Off you go.

-The point of the story is this.

-Yes.

The exchange rate mechanism, we're in it, but do we want to be in it?

20 years ago, we go into the office one day

and the markets seem to think we don't want to be in it.

Well, as the day goes on, we find the markets are against us.

We put up interest rates from 9 percent to 10 percent,

11 percent to 12 percent, 13 percent up to 15. Nothing is happening.

We're banging the top of the screen.

The point is, at the beginning of the day, we didn't...

I can't stand the tension!

What happens? What happens at the end of the day, Gyles?

The point is, at the beginning of the day,

we didn't know what was going to happen.

-While it was happening, we didn't know what was happening.

-No.

And when it had happened, we didn't know what had happened.

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

A bit of bad news. They've just had the referendum.

How did it go? Who won?

Yes, this is the disappointing news

that according to both the Leave and Remain camps,

if we vote against them in the EU referendum,

the world will go to hell in a handcart.

Now, what were David Cameron and George Osborne doing at B&Q?

This is something about DIY. People doing little jobs around the house

and we'd not be able to do it if we leave Europe.

All the hammers will have to be handed back.

And the alphabet we have known for 1,000 years will lose the letters

B and Q, this is the kind of effect that Brexit will have.

Everything is going up the spout.

I can imagine the difficulty for them

cos they can't sell barbecues any more.

I think it's worse than that, it was a metaphor.

-They said this is a DIY recession.

-Oh, yes.

We'll inflict it. So you do a picture with DIY.

And everyone goes, "Oh, that's very annoying."

But that's it. It's recession,

it's 800,000 jobs going, your house will be worthless.

The odd thing about that is, all around the country,

young people are thinking, "Oh, good, a collapse in house prices.

"Yes! We're going to vote Brexit!"

It's the first time they've actually twigged where the young vote goes.

Cameron and Osborne drew a small crowd at B&Q,

but for context, there were

three times as many people in the next aisle staring at plaster board.

What were David Cameron and George Osborne basing

their warning of the recession on?

It was an independent Treasury report commissioned by David Cameron

and George Osborne, with the brief - scare the hell out of everybody.

And it was a set of figures they put together

which nearly everyone has said, "Oh, probably not true."

The statistics from the Institute of Fiscal Studies,

or whatever it was that came out this week,

it then turned out that this same institute was receiving

-several million a year from the European Union.

-Yes.

So the trouble is, we can't really trust anybody

because the hyperbole has become hysterical.

And they all quote, they say, "Well, there's the IMF

"and then there's the World Bank and there's the EU,

"all these people have said stay in," but all those people said,

"Um, there is no trouble with the financial system, it's fine."

How is Britain Stronger In Europe campaign

hoping to appeal to young people?

Robotics.

They've got a poster. I saw it and thought it was brilliant.

It says, "Tourin', hangin', chillin', votin'."

LAUGHTER

I hope that laughter's at the poster.

I think you're appealing to young people right now.

It's not just a poster,

they've produced a video using language

they believe young people will understand,

specifically they've removed the G from a few words.

Let's see it.

LAUGHTER

-"Spellin'" should have been one of the words that came up.

-Yeah.

-Spellin'!

-We don't just lose B&Q, we lose G as well.

The whole thing is a nightmare.

Ian, the question I'm most interested in -

"chillin', roamin', ravin', movin'" -

present participle or gerund?

-Gerund? Interesting - depends how you use it, I think.

-So what...?

Just on its own.

A gerund is a three-wheeled vehicle that was very popular

before the invention of horses.

What's happening?

Why are we talking in a different language?

We're linking grammar terms, we're parsin'.

What's happening, seriously?

Meanwhile, over in the Brexit camp,

how are their efforts to woo young voters going?

It's with a pop concert, isn't it?

They tried to start a pop concert

but even the 52-year-old boy band 5ive...

..didn't want to do it

and if they're not doing it, something's going wrong.

They mainly do village fetes.

I'm glad boy bands are pulling out.

One Direction could learn a lot from that.

So have they got no young people to play?

Well, they've got Nigel Farage who does a sideline as a techno DJ.

-Under what name?

-It's called "Farage music".

-Farage!

APPLAUSE

Oh, great.

A pro-Brexit concert has been organised at which

East 17 were due to perform.

There's only one thing you need to know about East 17

and that's the singer Brian Harvey once managed

to fall out of his own car and run himself over.

Not even the EU have got a rule to stop you doing that.

Given that people have known this campaign was coming for years,

you would have thought that both sides would have got

their arguments better lined up

and would have more effective advertising than they have.

I don't feel like I have seen a coherent argument from anyone.

-You haven't.

-I'm really confused.

-You should be.

What should I do, Gyles?

Go back to Canada and...

LAUGHTER

Because we will all be joining you,

because we will be forced out of our country by the tens of millions,

the hundreds of millions who are going to arrive here any minute,

the moment the borders come down.

We'll be travellin', escapin', rollin'.

Please don't come to Canada. With Trump, we already have

Americans threatening to come in and we've got to now build a wall.

Americans are not as physically fit as Mexicans,

it won't have to be a high wall, just a little...

LAUGHTER

A speed bump should do it.

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

Um, that's, er, that's a woman.

I think that's the same woman, yeah. That's her again.

-But different hair, though.

-Different hair, yeah.

Quite a big - can I say that? - a big bum.

There's her fella she's with. Nice fella.

Did I get it right?

-Was this one of the bigger stories of the week?

-What is the story?

-JOE:

-Kimberly Kardashian.

-GYLES:

-That's it.

She's in London, and I know this

cos my missus was telling me about it

and I feel bad for the girl, cos I shouldn't really be making fun

of her, cos I just found out she hasn't got a job...

And you know how hard is when you're unemployed, um,

and if she's watching,

I've got a mate who works in a Bovril factory

and he says there's work going, so just give us a bell,

might be able to sort something out."

And it's cash in hand, so you can still sign on.

So what is the story about these people?

The rumour is that she is going to be Donald Trump's running mate.

-Whoo!

-It's hot. It's a hot story...

So it's hot cos you just made it up.

-It's fresh.

-It's fresh...

-You're right, it's that hot. It is that hot.

-It's very hot.

It did just come to me that...

But don't you think it's marvellous casting?

So if her and Donald Trump were together and somebody says,

"What an arse!" we don't know which one they're talking about.

"Trump and the rump!" - you can see the posters.

You can see the posters, you can.

This is a massive mainstream news that Kim Kardashian

actually came to London this week. Why was she here?

Is that difficult, coming to London?

They've got a lot of wide-bodied jets these days.

There's no problem getting across the Atlantic on a plane.

It's a fascinating family, I find the whole thing completely gripping.

Why is it so exciting?

Cos we have nothing like it in our society.

The nearest we get to the Kardashians

is the Krankies, a Scottish...

-You won't know them. It's a Scottish family...

-I know the Krankies!

-You know the Krankies?

-Why do you talk to me like I was just born?

-I've lived here for ten years.

-Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that.

-It's all right. I like it, kind of.

-Good, well, we love...

We're very, very happy to have you and I'm sure the Brexiteers

and the Remain people will make exceptions in your case.

Yes.

-As I'm an Irish citizen. Go on.

-You're an Irish citizen?

-I am.

But this is for another day, Gyles. We'll have lunch.

Now I've heard that...

You don't know what you're saying, you've no idea.

The trap opens up and the poor innocent walks in.

I promise this has a political angle.

How did Labour's Harriet Harman get behind Kim Kardashian?

Which is an excellent hiding place, by the way.

She, um, presumably said that Kim Kardashian was a role model

and a marvellous figure and we should learn a great deal from her.

That's usually what politicians say

when they're asked about someone they've never heard of.

Yes, Harriet Harman called Kim Kardashian...

..like Malala, but with a sex tape.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

And she didn't object to Kim putting out into the ether

selfies of herself slightly scantily-clad, even though

Harriet in her time has not liked pictures that objectify women.

To which a viewer called Sarika responded...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity

-to show your knowledge on the Kardashian family.

-No.

So I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.

Let's just move on.

I didn't actually know she had sisters.

I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.

APPLAUSE

You could have had...

All spelt with a K, yes. It's exciting.

-And do they have children that start with a K?

-No! Kourtney...

All right. Kourtney...

LAUGHTER

There's a child they're all very fond of who they call Special K...

..comes through. "How are you?"

You know what, it's a dynasty and it's kind of worth

learning about, I think they've earned their place at this point.

No, what the fuck do they do?!

How have they earnt their place?!

What do they do?

APPLAUSE

In other femi-news, where did women narrowly fail

to break down a sexist barrier?

-Oh, golf.

-Yes.

-Well done.

-Oh, thank you, Gyles.

This was Muirfield Golf Club,

they've refused to have women playing golf.

That's it.

And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.

And there was some famous golf commentator who said,

"If women want to come to the club, they should marry a member."

-JOE:

-Peter Alliss, wasn't it?

-GYLES:

-Yeah.

Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph...

Does he even know how competitive

the "marry a rich old white guy" market is?

How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit

just to get a free gin and tonic?

Do women actually want to join this club? They sound ghastly!

It does sound awful.

-POSH ACCENT:

-Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?

-Erm, I'm a member of a couple of clubs...

-Ooh, ah.

-Erm...

-Yeah, tell us.

Oh, yeah? Come on.

LAUGHTER

Is it the Alzheimer's League?

Would you like to see an example of the great male dignity

that needs to be preserved?

-Mm.

-Yeah, please.

-Look at this.

'I've drank a lot of water, I really have to go.

'People are waiting to tee off and there's no rest room out here.'

Guys, how many times has this happened to you?

Come on, you know you can't hold it in that long!

Don't worry, I've got the perfect gift for you.

Introducing the UroClub,

the discreet sanitary solution

for your urgent relief.

Created by a board-certified urologist, it looks like

an ordinary golf club,

but it contains a special reservoir

built into the grip to relieve yourself.

The UroClub comes with a special towel to keep your privacy...

LAUGHTER

..and it appears to everyone that you're just checking out your club!

At first it seems comical, but believe me,

when you really have to go, it's a life-saver.

But the clubhouse is only about 100 yards away.

-It's going to be too far for him.

-And he's got a club car!

"What's your handicap?" "I keep pissing into me golf club."

Would you use a UroClub, Gyles?

I wouldn't, but I'm rather alarmed that the only time

I went to a golf club in Scotland, after we'd been a round,

the man I was playing with opened up his club to offer me

a little celebratory snifter...

Oh, dear.

Well, there we are, I just thought it was a whisky that had gone off.

And so, to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.

BUZZER

-Is this Kim Kardashian?

-LAUGHTER

-Looks like her, it's not her.

-Not quite.

Is that one of the sisters called Kushion?

BUZZER

Joe, do you know?

I think she bought a cushion on eBay

and it turned out to be one for a doll's house.

It wasn't eBay, it was Wish.com -

Yazmin Zurtti was disappointed with some pillows she purchased online.

Here's what she ordered on the website, for what she thought

was a bargain £10, to finish off her new bedroom perfectly.

And here's what was delivered.

What invention was in the news this week that might have stopped

Yazmin making a rash purchase?

A shop where you go in and see what you're going to buy?

And then a person approaches you in a uniform and asks

if they can assist you?

No, and then tells you what the price is?

And then wraps it up for you and helps you take it home?

Only in the world of Tolkien could such a thing happen.

No, she might have used one of these, a new wristband that

gives bank customers an electric shock when they overspend.

The zap from the wristband can range from...

Would you find that useful, Joe?

No, not when I've had a drink.

It'd have to taser me.

How much is it to buy?

Well, it's £130...

LAUGHTER

Hilarious. Well, there's your first problem,

it'd start going off as you're buying it.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...

a Rubik's cube.

Thomas a Becket's elbow,

Mark Zuckerberg's dog Beast

and Harry Houdini.

BUZZER

-Well, I know Thomas a Becket's elbow...

-Mmm.

..has turned up again in London.

I think the experts are a bit divided, some say it's his arse.

-It's a bit of him.

-Yeah.

It's a famous relic of Saint Thomas a Becket,

and it was taken from his original internment and taken to Hungary.

And I think that might be the link,

cos Rubik was Hungarian,

-I'm guessing that Harry Houdini wasn't called that originally.

-No.

-He's Hungarian.

-And that dog... Do you know anything about the dog?

The dog is a different nationality. Three of them are Hungarian,

-and the dog is Pomeranian.

-Is that a Pomeranian?

-I think so.

Heavily disguised as something else but it is, underneath,

-a Pomeranian!

-Thomas a Becket's elbow can't be Hungarian, can it?

-No, but it was in Hungary.

-Right.

-Things that have travelled from Hungary.

-Ah, yes.

Yes. They all come from Hungary, apart from Thomas a Becket's elbow,

which, as you said, Ian, was taken to Hungary

following his murder in Canterbury Cathedral in 1170,

and is now being returned, though only for a week.

The Rubik's Cube was invented by a Hungarian

and is possibly the only thing to entertain children in the '70s

that hasn't since been locked up.

How did one Chinese Rubik's Cube fanatic

try to impress a girl recently?

Speaking to her?

He made a picture...

a portrait of her. She's got a very square head,

-and he made a portrait of her. "That's for you."

-Yes, Paul.

-Yes?

-Yes. A 27-year-old, Tong Aonan, spent 72 hours

making a portrait of a girl he fancied out of Rubik's Cubes.

Here it is.

GYLES GASPS

-It's good.

-Yeah. GYLES:

-Well done.

I do stuff like that. It never works.

Well, you're right. His efforts were not successful.

Aw...

-GYLES:

-Oh, dear.

Poor Tong!

Don't worry. That strong wrist of yours won't go to waste.

Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast, is a puli,

a breed originating from Hungary.

Here he is being exploited on Instagram.

GYLES CHUCKLES

-GYLES:

-Is it really a dog?

-JOE:

-Sure the end of the mop just hasn't come off?

Sticking with the Zuckerberg family,

what reason does Facebook founder Mark give for always wearing

the same outfit?

He's boring.

He doesn't make any decisions every morning,

just put on the same thing. Something dark

so it doesn't need washing that often. Don't need to think about it.

-Just wear the same stuff.

-Mark Zuckerberg said...

Like this man...

-I read this story.

-It's Gyles. He's given away all his bears.

-Have you?

-I've given away all my teddy bears.

-How many did you have?

More than a thousand. I've collected teddy bears all my life.

And I began with one teddy bear

and then I acquired a few more and then I acquired a wife...

This could be long, this bit.

So why are you getting rid of the bears?

-Because my children, frankly, are not interested.

-Hmm.

I'm only here tonight earning money because of my children.

-Yeah.

-It's the one thing that's keeping me in touch with them.

And now...

Do you have actual children

or are you referring to the bears?

No, no.

One of the bears in the Brandreth collection is the original

Fozzie Bear from The Muppet Show.

Known for his terrible jokes and fondness for bowties,

Gyles Brandreth is 68 years old.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features, as its guest publication,

the Journal of the Writing Equipment Society. We start with...

After taking Viagra, Barack Obama could be a handful on holiday.

This is a story that President Obama

has an autopen stylus, a pen which enables the user

to sign documents even when they're not really there,

and when it's President Trump,

he'll be able to sign documents even though he's not all there.

Next.

-JOE:

-Oh, hairy back?

David Attenborough padding about.

Is it bamboo?

Yes, Ian.

-I knew it.

-GYLES:

-Oh!

According to a recent study, the bamboo causes digestive problems

which can ruin the mood. Other things that put pandas off sex

include almost anything on Earth. Next.

-JOE:

-You can smell like a sandwich.

On the downside, men with sensitive skin have reported coming out

in RASHERS.

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

Next.

If you support Leicester City.

SHE LAUGHS

Is it, if you are alive?

Aw, Ian!

Next.

Thank goodness you didn't light a fire!

-JOE:

-Hello, I'm Santa.

This is an American man who had to be freed from a chimney

after getting stuck in there with no clothes on.

After police grabbed him, they asked the man if he wished to

say anything, to which he replied, "You're it!"

And finally...

-GYLES:

-One of the Kardashians.

Popular.

-JOE:

-80% gravy.

I think that's right.

It is THE Gordon Brown who was...

Gordon Brown took a DNA test to explore his ancestry.

For the DNA test, Gordon Brown was asked for a sample of his saliva,

which he produced as soon as he was shown a photo of Tony Blair.

In a similar DNA test, Tony Blair discovered he was a son of a bitch.

Aw...

APPLAUSE

So the final scores are Paul and Gyles have 4 points,

Ian and Joe have 7 points.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

But before we go,

there's just time for the caption competition.

You didn't look like that on Grindr!

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth,

and I leave you with news that it's sad times for one commuter

as the Royal Train speeds past the platform

while Kate is changing Charlotte's nappy...

GROANS

In a World Cup qualifier against the Philippines,

North Korea deny they've made any attempt to influence the result.

And as the referendum campaign gets dirty,

Boris Johnson reveals a photo

of what he claims is David Cameron's screensaver.

Good night!

APPLAUSE