Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

Can I just apologise, I'm losing my voice.

But I've brought some liquid cocaine.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Martin Clunes.

To the delight of fans, the star of The Revenant takes

a stroll around the grounds of his recently purchased

On his way to launch a campaign encouraging people to holiday

at home this summer, England's Head of Tourism phones

And in the final of Robot MasterChef, the title's in the bag

for the ZX1-E unless he makes a mistake with the boiled egg.

On Ian's team tonight is a Salford-born comedian whose

first job was collecting glasses in a pub, but things changed

when he started doing stand-up there as the audience

Please welcome Jason Manford.

And with Paul tonight is the Labour MP for Birmingham Yardley who says

"you have to be a remarkable and amazing woman to be offered

a job where you're in charge, average men get there all the time."

We start with the biggest stories of the week.

Oh, yes, this is when grinder went wrong.

Oh, right, he's allowed back in, is he?

Yeah, the referendum on the 23rd June that everyone's really

knowledgeable about and knows what's going on and they've left it

I don't even know how to work series link so...

I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who have been left

That's why we have Government and that.

What, you expect them to make the decisions for you?

I've got one decision and that is who I'd like to be

We'll, I'm voting to remain in the European Union.

I mean, I've read some of the things - I did one of though

I don't want to know about your personal life.

How you should vote, and there was like an online quiz,

you know, to see which way you think you should be

There were loads of things that I didn't know.

Like, if we leave the EU, energy bills could go

There's lots of reasons for voting in, mainly because of the people

I think I'll go remain because what I don't want

is when you go on holiday that queue for the non-EU passport is going to

I thought, that's the most British way of deciding - queueing.

Opinion pollsters have clearly detected the nation almost catatonic

catatonic with boredom, so they've trying

Anyone know how they've been doing that?

We'll they've tried to get young people in by calling

They've been ringing people up and asking them how they think

fictional characters would vote in the referendum.

Do you know any of the people they might have -

What do you think they said he would say?

Oh, he'd be in favour of staying in Europe, Sherlock Holmes.

Is he reluctant because he really doesn't have a vote because he's

It's unclear how the rest of Dads Army would vote

because when the pollster asked, Captain Mainwaring said,

I concur with the voting public.

I was wondering if Boris counted as a fictional character?

This voice of yours, Ian, I really like it, it's good.

Are there certain sentences you'll say in this voice?

Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?

Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?

Can you say - that's not just any hummus, it's Marks

I'll do it in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn.

That's not just any hamas, that's expensive hamas.

Who have the remainers brought out to inject a bit of vigor and pazazz

Well, Ryanair have said that we should stay in.

Which, I don't nobody anybody who likes Ryanair.

Who else are you going to get, like, the roadworks on the M6?

I was actually thinking of Kenneth Clarke.

He came out and he said that Boris was like a nice Trump.

That means something else in the north,

Boris probably wouldn't go away with Trump, but he has

been up to something with Michael Gove recently.

This polite bit of the referendum debate is over, they're just

They do say - they do in that voice - there's going to be a coup.

One anonymous Tory rebel said quite a nasty thing

They've said - win, lose or draw, they're going to try

Well, it's not that easy getting rid of a useless leader, is it, Jess?

In my defence, before you say it, I didn't ever

threaten to stab my leader although the Metropolitan Police

It seems that people online can't understand a metaphor.

I actually was saying something quite nice about my leader.

I was saying I won't plot behind his back, I'll

But, yes, obviously in a slightly more stabby way.

I still didn't make it on to the hostile list

when they rode it and I'd had the police called on me.

I was just second from last up - penultimate hostile.

Right, what's that called?

First symptoms, hoarseness of voice.

Our final chance to talk about the EU.

Oh, God, if only it was the final chance.

Oh, God, if only it was the final chance to talk about

Let's see it off with a quick-fire buzzer

Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?

Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?

That's one of the things they test you when you go into university,

It's nice in the winter months though.

Because there was originally 12 member states.

There just are 12, arranged in a circle that

apparently symobolises unity.

Where is the highest toilet in Europe?

In 1866, Liechtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers

What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?

It was more, I was going to say.

Is that the actual answer?

Because when they got there they just started chatting

80 went to war and 81 came back.

They'd been forbidden to engage in any form of military combat,

so none were killed and then an Italian joined up

Donald Trump is arriving in Britain the day after the referendum

to open a newly-refurbished golf course in Turnberry, Ayrshire.

Trump is always keen to talk about his strong Scottish roots.

They're made from goats' hair and they're designed to hole hold

Bristol Council was accused of influencing voters after printing

this handy guide on how to complete your ballot paper.

They've now now agreed to reprint them, without the controversial

Paul and Jess, here's your boring question.

Oh, well, this is obviously a tunnel, leading to

This is Merkel and he's blessing the opening of the tunnel

The world's longest tunnel has been built under the Alps,

35-miles long and it came in exactly on time.

In fact, when they finished it it was actually 20 minutes early.

Than what they said it was going to be.

And they had a massive, brilliant Opening Ceremony

Oh, the baby with big wings that everybody talks about.

Oh, is he the ancient God Toblerone that comes down and makes

Sometimes when I'm driving home after a gig, like at 2.00am

in the morning, I sort of start to nod off a little bit and then

I look at the fellas doing roadworks - I've seen that.

In other engineering news, how did Sarah Guppy's pillings

contribute to the building of the Clifton Suspension Bridge?

This bridge wouldn't have happened without her.

Because she worked out how to stack up stone on a river

bank so you could build a large bridge over it.

Brunel should have, I think, given her the credit.

Well, she declined to take any credit for this engineering

She was a fool, clearly, regardless of pillings or otherwise.

She also invented a dust-proof four-poster bed with built

I thought a four-poster bed was an exercise machine!

So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

-- Nigel Farage. It is Tory election fraud. If it is proved they rig the

election then it means he becomes an MP. You've got to weigh up what you

want. An honest election or him? I think we would have another

decision. I make decisions on your behalf every day.

They spent too much money on trying to win...

They did not declare lots of young Tory

volunteers getting on the bus and going down and staying the night,

And then in the morning, they go around saying, vote

You're meant to declare that locally and there is a suggestion

they did it nationally, so it is a big accountancy story.

The battlebus makes people feel important.

I just call mine the 192 to Stockport.

I might start calling that the battlebus.

It was one of the most tightly fought battles

in the country, according

to the Daily Telegraph, Nigel Farage lost by less than 3000

Ukip supporters were outraged by the allegations of

overspending, while Telegraph readers were outraged

What has the Conservative Party been doing to assist with the

This is the allegations about Tory elections expenses.

The alleged electoral abuse has been picked

up by Russia Today, who have

long campaigned against electoral fraud ever since that time Vladimir

Putin only polled a suspiciously low 107% of the votes.

This is, the invisible man has been found dead.

Was this a lad, a teenager who, in an art gallery or museum,

put sunglasses on the floor and people started randomly throughout

the day looking at it as if it was a piece of art?

Charles Saatchi bought it for 5 million quid.

The other one is Short-sighted Man Wees

They were put in the San Francisco Museum of modern Art by

17-year-old prankster TJ Khayatan, who was

unimpressed with some of the

art on display and he set out to test the theory that people will

look at and artistically interpret anything in a gallery setting and it

It was not just his glasses, it was a

This is the student who turned his own

spectacles into an artwork by putting them on the floor of a

Actually the joke was on him as he completely ruined the ?10

million world-renowned work of art called Floor.

Is it the difference between London and Manchester?

The South and the North, different

I know it's picky, but they will start writing

This is the news that according to a recent study the London accent

is taking over the UK, killing off regional twangs.

COCKNEY ACCENT: I thought that a few times, to be honest.

YORKSHIRE ACCENT: There are some that say it goes the

According to Doctor David Britton, who worked on

Mainly due to increased social mobility, although another culprit

When Coronation Street started in 1960 a

lot of people had not heard that accent outside

RP ACCENT: Everyone on telly sounded like this.

You only find it in the north-east of England.

I've had one in my eye for 12 years.

Those words that you use in Manchester,

I've always found it fascinating, like we used

the words like mithered, as

What I really like is some of the swear words, we use knobhead

Which is weird, because there's loads of them here.

This is the survey that tells us regional accents are dying

One of the things the study looked that was how people pronounce

It's quite simple, in the south we say butter.

Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer, Sara Blizzard and Doctor

Out of all those, Doctor Henry Heimlich,

who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre, this was an interesting story, last

week, I think he's in a care home now, at the age of 96,

started choking, and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre and it

is the first time ever he's ever actually been called upon to do it,

He is obviously attacking THAT woman, so

Who are the other people you mentioned?

Marina Stepanova, she does the hurdles.

She's a weather presenter for East Midlands Today,

taking over from the much loved Karen Pissingitdown.

I read this story about MC Hammer, he

They all have highly appropriate names apart from

MC Hammer who recently revealed that he's scared of hammers.

In a recent interview he said, using hammers...

Henry Heimlich, according to the Daily Mail, the 96-year-old

leapt into action and was at his patient's side in less than an hour.

How did Doctor Heimlich play a pivotal role in the engagement of

They were both, they both thought one day they

might choke so they were having lessons?

Did Carrie Fisher do the

Heimlich manoeuvre on Dan Ackroyd or vice versa?

I'm going to say Carrie was doing it to Dan.

Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the

Heimlich manoeuvre after she choked on a Brussels sprout.

After saving her life, Dan Ackroyd proposed and Carrie

According to the sun, while working on Britain's Got

At least, that's what they told the runner

Let me know if you can tell me the occupations

of the following people, these are all genuine.

Ian Hislop's voice isn't quite the same

And the Ian Hislop I know knows nothing about

It's Ross Kemp in an Ian Hislop suit.

Time now for the missing words round which

this week features as its guest publication, Rubber Chicken, the

What is possibly the most Waitrose thing ever?

The fig horseradish kale crisps that are in

Waitrose say they are promoting the beer to

appeal to a growing demographic among their shoppers, the second

Westminster Abbey to be turned over to the police.

When they heard about the protests from

members of the Church, several of the models walked out, before

stopping, posing, turning round and walking back in again.

I mean, I don't know what he gets up to, maybe it's not.

Hawking called Trump a demagogue who appeals to the lowest

Trump is expected to reply to the comments as soon as he's

After hearing Hawking's comments about his

intelligence, Donald Trump responded by saying,

Cash in hand, before I put the hat on.

The final scores are, Paul and Jess with

four, but Ian and Jason romp away with the night with seven.

And I leave you with news that at London Zoo the vet begins a

That's the noise it makes when you stick a

At Claridges in London, the chefs react quickly as

Gordon Ramsey falls into the deep fat fryer.

And in Dover, there is a triumph for the Remain

campaign as they lure Boris Johnson onto a zip

wire that goes all the