Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

What have I let myself in for?

Not the first time you've said that.

This

This programme

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Nick Clegg.

In the news this week.

On the train to Newcastle, Jeremy Corbyn's claim that

all the seats were taken is further undermined by what his advisers

were up to in the next carriage.

After a decisive Brexit Cabinet meeting, Theresa May is relieved

to have settled on a clear direction for the nation.

And at his constituency in Surrey, Michael Gove reflects

on the possibility of anyone in politics trusting him ever again.

Never, never, never.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who has given advice to anxious

school kids saying...

"people need to relax and try not to get too stressed

out over results."

I could have done with you in May 2015.

Please welcome, Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With Paul tonight is a comedian who admits she's not great

at time keeping saying...

"minutes sneak away from me, they leave in groups of 10."

You call them minutes, I call them voters.

Please welcome, Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Roisin, take a look at this.

This is the Ukip clock which moves very, very quickly.

She's winding it up with her hands.

This is Nigel Farage, who finds everything funny.

This is the man who may or may not have been in a fight.

Collapsed, he's all right now.

He's in hospital, but he's got his European health insurance card.

Exactly.

Who is the man who was involved in the altercation?

His second name's like Mike Hook...

Hooker.

Jab, Punch.

Mike Headbutt.

Jimmy The Hands.

Ricky Scarface But Seen It.

Ukip MEP, Mike Hookem, who's also Ukip's defence spokesman.

APPLAUSE

And there was speculation that Hookem had gone on-the-run

from French police.

Trigs on Twitter tweeted...

APPLAUSE

It's good that they're literally having a leadership

battle, ain't it?

Other parties do it in metaphors.

Ukip, they smack each other in the head.

We should say that Mike Hookem denies there was any violence

or that he was pursued by the police.

But why are they still going?

They're called the United Kingdom Independence Party,

you've done it, go away.

What are they doing on a day-to-day basis?

What's in their 'to do' list?

You could ask this that of any politician.

Politicians sometimes ask themselves, actually.

They're there to make sure that there's no backsliding.

That there's not some huge resurgence led,

say by Nick.

Why on earth did Diane quit as leader after 18 days?

The way she was waving there, she found that hard

to maintain for 18 days.

Repetitive strain injury.

Is that right?

No, according to the BBC, she cited...

So that pretty much covers everything.

There was one pretty clear give away that Diane wasn't

too keen to do the job.

What was that?

I don't want the job, she said.

Apparently, when she signed the official forms to take over

the party leadership, Diane had added, in Latin,

the words "under duress."

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Are they like the Mafia?

What is Latin for under duress?

Underis duressum.

You should be in Harry Potter!

It's vi coactus.

This is quite a bleak story, Nick.

The woman's like under duress, like, sort of...

She probably hasn't got a friend in the world.

The only thing she can do is write a help message in Latin.

Some day somebody will pick up on it and be able to figure out what had

happened to this poor woman.

Yes.

She must have hoped that Boris would read it somehow and charge

and charge in to the rescue.

One reason suggested for Diane quitting was an unpleasant incident

where she was spat at at Waterloo station, but it's not the first

time she's been faced with a thuggish man's spital.

Looks like a Listerine advert, doesn't it?

So Farage is back as leader or is he?

Sky News had a good way of dealing with any confusion.

They captured an interview with Farage like this...

What did Farage say when asked if he would return

permanently as leader?

He said never.

No, absolutely not.

Someone said if he'd do it for ?10 million, and he said no.

Asked if he'd do it for $20 million, he replied...

Sod it, I'll do it if they're offering that much.

Farage has more exciting things to do these days.

What's he up to this weekend?

This is the debate with Trump.

He's going to offer his advice.

He's off to support fellow demagogue and post truth moron, Donald Trump,

in the second presidential debate.

There are rumours that Nigel...

It's all right now saying it like it is, isn't it?

Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?

I...

Anyway, moving on.

Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?

APPLAUSE

Nigel will be giving Trump tips on how to defeat Hillary.

What does the Daily Mail think specifically

qualifies him to do that?

Because he's won a huge referendum.

No, not quite.

According to the Mail...

Thanks for that, chaps.

So it's all your fault.

Yeah, most things are in the world.

What sort of advice will he give Trump?

Just go in there and enjoy yourself.

Get in there early.

Go for the big lie first.

If you vote for me, $350 billion will be given.

Each child in America will be given an extra leg.

I think - I don't know how you feel about this, Nick -

But I think if you make promises and you get elected based on them...

Yes.

APPLAUSE

No, no, not being...

I don't think people should be allowed to say things

and huge events happen because of what they said.

It's fraud.

Exactly.

Do you agree?

Especially, $350 million.

If you put it on the side of a bus...

Yeah.

Then I don't want to live in a world where you cannot trust what's

written on the side of a bus.

APPLAUSE

Why does he need help at the moment, Donald Trump?

Because he's a psychopath.

It's not funny.

The whole campaign feels like being tickled.

At the beginning it was a lot of fun and now

it's really sickening.

Right.

He's going to get in.

I really think he's going to get in.

No, don't be so miserable.

Brexit!

APPLAUSE

I think if Donald Trump becomes president it's

not a surprise attack, they've seen him coming for some

time he'll have a heart attack or he'll be, you know,

something will happen.

He won't get passed February.

It sounded like you were going to do it there, Paul.

Like - don't worry, I got this.

Let's just say that plans have been put into place.

The American system has a very good way of just neutralising presidents

they don't like anyway.

Obama came in, that was it.

The entire machinery just blocked him for eight years.

So I'm sure the same will happen with Trump.

Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take

on The Donald?

Yes.

Yes.

Me.

Have you met Donald Trump?

Never.

What do you think of him?

I don't know.

Sometimes you hear sort of the way his hair,

something like that and his mouth, small...

APPLAUSE

The Independent revealed that Donald Trump has told

terminally ill people "to stay alive long enough to vote for him"

which has resulted in bad headlines for Trump but a surge

in bookings at Dignitas.

According to the Times, Tim Kaine, the Democrat

vice-presidential candidate is...

He insists on harmonica because Hillary panics

when she hears the words "mouth" and "organ" too close together.

Mind you, har-monica brings back bad memories as well.

Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.

This is our new Prime Minister.

Not him, don't have a heart attack.

He's putting on a stupid hat someone's trying

to put on a rosette.

That's a tough one.

Oh, no, he can't do it.

BANG.

Looks a bit like KK clanhood, doesn't it?

Is this the Tory party conference?

Yes.

Well, there were two conferences, weren't there?

The first one which was basically the Ukip conference where she said,

boo to imgrants and foreigners and people who work in firms that

are foreign, and we'll cut them all down.

Then there was the Labour Party Conference on the last

day when she said - oh, tax avoiders, we'll get them,

big business, capitalism - boo!

So she's got the right, she's got the left and if you're

in the middle, she thinks she's got you as well.

Yep.

So this is the first Conservative Party Conference

with Theresa May as leader and Prime Minister.

What was the big announcement?

She's set a date for Brexit.

That's it.

Amusingly, she said it'll be right at the end of March,

which means we'll leave the EU on 1st April.

I haven't even read Article 50 and she's prepared to trigger it.

It took me about six months to get out of a Vodafone contract.

She's getting stuff moving.

She's going to indeed trigger Article 50 by March 2017,

whatever that means.

Some European thing, I've lost interest, completely.

There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan of getting out

of the EU, but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit

will definitely be sorted.

And, Conference, mark my words, we will make breakfast...

Brexit a success.

APPLAUSE

Could it be that the entire nation has voted under

a slight misapprehension, we were merely wanting breakfast?

Now, should we be allowed to discuss Theresa May's clothes?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose so.

Yes.

We don't discuss Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond.

Yes, we do.

We discuss Boris' hair, his ties.

Whether his trousers are off or on.

Yes.

Anyway she said, it's fine to talk about her shoes because then she can

buy some more.

Yes.

They were great shoes.

She had an absolute pair of crackers on yesterday.

They were very rock-and-roll.

She came out to The Stones and it was like appropriating

all this cool, hip.

She kept quoting Sam Cooke - like a change

is going to come.

It's like...

What?

That's like a civil rights anthem and you're using it like,

a change's going to come - foreigners getting out.

Theresa May may have severed most ties with David Cameron,

but some things never change.

Who did she find the time to meet on a 36-hour whistle-stop visit

to the United Nations in New York last month?

Justin Bieber.

It was Rupert Murdoch.

Because, obviously, she hasn't been elected yet,

Because, obviously, she hasn't been elected yet, by him,

and then she flew back to give someone a kicking in those heels.

Probably Michael Gove.

I mean, you were there.

She didn't really like many of the Tories,

did she?

The old ones.

No.

Neither did I, actually.

But anyway.

Did you like her.

Did you like Theresa May?

Ah, I...

Anyway, the answer.

It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job.

No.

No, I doubt that very much.

Now, Boris Johnson made a speech.

What did he say were the two sides of liberty's golden

coin?

Was it heads and tails?

No.

He said...

APPLAUSE

By which he meant the embodiments of economic

and political freedom.

I mean you must have been welling up at that point, Ian.

I was certainly throwing up.

I seem to remember that shortly after the vote a senior public

figure appeared on Question Time with David Dimbleby calling

for Boris Johnson to be arrested.

Can you remember who that was, Ian?

Yes, and I stick by it!

What does Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt want to do?

He wants to create more home-grown doctors.

Which is brilliant, if late.

And there was some confusion about whether foreign doctors had

to go home straight away.

So you're in the middle of the consultation

and, oh, they've gone!

Instead of luring them to stay, he is making it that they have

to work for the NHS for four years after they graduate

so they can't go somewhere else.

After spending 70,000 each to train for five years, I imagine

junior doctors would think that is pretty fair.

Perhaps one of them took this photo of Jeremy Hunt?

APPLAUSE

Jeremy Hunt definitely does have one fan.

Who is that?

It's not me! Is it Jeremy Hunt?

Who absolutely loved his own speech, as we can see here.

And we must recognise it today.

LOUD CLAPPING

Fighting this horrible disease.

We will launch the campaign you want.

Wow!

It is the Conservative Party conference, where Theresa May has

called on the Tories to embrace the centre ground.

The Prime Minister criticised the liberal elite for belittling

the intellectual capacity of ordinary voters.

Quite right.

The time to do that is with an exam when they're 11 years old.

Theresa May has constantly reminded us that the people

have voted for Brexit.

She is less quick to remind us that people didn't vote

for her to be Prime Minister.

And let's face it, she only got the job

because she was against a buffoon, a total git and Andrea Leadsom.

It didn't work for everyone, though, did it?

And so to round two.

The Strengthometer of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here's the first one.

Ian and Kevin.

Fish, someone has found out that they talk to each other

in regional accents.

They talk to each other in regional accents?!

They do.

This is the news that scientists have been given ?300,000 to study

whether cod have regional accents.

Why does it matter that some cod sound different to other cod?

If they think the cod is a bit rough for them

or a bit posh for them, they won't go with them, you know?

Like a Midlands cod wouldn't go with an Ascot cod.

They can't find each other.

BRUMMIE ACCENT: I love you but I can't help but feel

that we shouldn't be together.

You swim in deeper waters than I do.

That is, extraordinarily enough, basically right.

It can't be! How can that be right?

Global warming is pushing southern cod populations north so Cornish cod

could be mingling with Scousers.

According to the Daily Star...

What will Dr Simpson do if his ?300,000 study into UK cod

accents proves successful?

He'll do another one for ?500,000!

His next mission will be to see if haddock have regional accents.

Ker-ching! That's a wind-up!

He's going to go through every species, isn't he?

And no one could ever prove him wrong because that would mean

them spending ?300,000.

These cod, they speak, and this one...

This octopus has a Scouse accent.

SCOUSE ACCENT: You're looking at me arms, I've got

love here, darling!

Watch where that one's going, it's right here, behind your back!

I really hope they do have Scouse accents.

We have been told it by the former leader of...

Who are you, again?

This is indeed the news that a study has been conducted into whether cod

have regional accents.

They haven't!

They don't speak.

Do dogs fly helicopters? Maybe...

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is Jamie Oliver, he has got into trouble

because he has come up with a recipe for paella which the Spaniards don't

agree is paella and so he's got into trouble because of that.

Because he has added chorizo.

Uh-oh - chorizo!

I don't know what that is!

Plus some people don't find it very appetising because it's got

a picture of his face right in the middle of it.

Some of the abuse was pretty bad.

They said, why don't you go and make chicken nuggets out

of your own fingers?

A Spanish man, Antonio Villareal, tweeted...

And one Daily Mail commenter added...

Why are people so angry?

This is cultural appropriation.

I have had chorizo in paella in Spain. Lots of times.

But you are not allowed to say this is my recipe for paella

because you are not Spanish.

If you cook spaghetti Bolognese, anyone who cooks it tonight,

is guilty of cultural appropriation.

The only thing we're allowed to cook is fish fingers.

That is Britain in Brexit future.

He should have called it Paella al la Gibraltar...

APPLAUSE

Your wife is Spanish. Yes.

What would happen if you put a bit of chorizo in the paella?

There are very strict rules of what should

and shouldn't go into a paella.

Finally, something Nick's expert on!

Can anyone tell me what Jamie has named his newborn son?

Is it food-related? Yeah.

Basil.

Nonstick frying pan.

George Foreman?

His name is River Rocket.

So there you go.

Putting the chorizo in the paella isn't the oddest choice

he's made this year.

Jamie Oliver has outraged the people of Spain,

several of them, by adding chorizo to his version of paella.

One Spanish chef said that Jamie had landed in hot water.

Now the Spanish are arguing about how long he should be in hot

water for and whether the lid should be on or off.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

It's just one between you this week.

Michael Gove, Gary Lineker, Nigel Farage and canoe

man John Darwin.

Is it about beards? No.

It's about how much you hated Michael Gove?

Not quite.

It's about underpants. Yes.

What?

Lineker, when Leicester City won the league, he promised...

He promised to appear in his underpants.

The canoe man was found selling underpants when they finally

found him in, was he in Panama?

Or was that Amber Rudd's family?

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Thank you very much(!)

I hope that Amber Rudd marries somebody called Green

and she would be like a traffic light, wouldn't she?

"Amber Rudd Green".

It just occurred to me, that's all.

Nigel Farage went skinny dipping, or the papers said he went skinny

dipping, and he jumped off the end of a pier,

which, again, when you first read it seemed a more positive

story than it turned out.

But then he said, no, I wasn't skinny-dipping,

I had my underpants on.

So they had underpants on.

Gove, come on, you've worked with Gove.

Tell us about his underpants. Well...

We have got nothing out of you this evening.

Well, you are quite right, they have all exposed their underwear

in public except for John Darwin, the canoe man, who now

sells underwear.

So when did Gove expose his underwear in public?

Come on!

Was he in a Cabinet meeting?

Was it in an argument over education?

He did it while he was a student at Oxford.

I think we can have a look at this.

I'm going to let you know what's underneath my kilt.

Just bear with me, ladies and gentlemen.

Ordinarily people have to pay for this pleasure.

And I have, underneath my kilt, a pair of Oxford Union boxer shorts.

What rumour from Gove's student days was recently revealed?

Anything, based on what I've just seen there!

The university student newspaper Charwell reported that Gove took

part in a five-in-a-bed romp with two male and two female students.

What explanation did Gove allegedly give

for taking part in the romp?

He was horny?

He fancied the other four?

He didn't have his glasses on, he thought he was applying

for a work permit.

Sources claim that Gove took part in the romp as he was only seeking

comfort after being beaten up in Aberdeen on Boxing Day.

To be fair, it is a national sport in Aberdeen, to beat up Michael Gove

on Boxing Day.

They have all exposed their underwear in public,

except for John Darwin.

On his last night as leader of Ukip, Nigel Farage went skinny-dipping

in the English Channel.

The sight of which convinced a dinghy full of desperate

immigrants that they would be better off in Calais.

And as soon as Mr Farage was seen floating in the sea,

the beach lost its Blue Flag status.

Time now for the missing words round.

Which this week features as its guest publication

The Village Sign Times.

We start with...

Sandwich?

Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.

New-look Spice Girls are back.

The answer is "will help you swear like an Elizabethan".

Next...

Inevitably, things turned to cannibalism.

Just outside Falkirk.

The answer is he never actually visited Scotland.

Rather than visit Scotland to look at Scottish signs,

Ken spend an evening browsing the internet.

Though, remarkably, his article fails

to mention this one.

Next...

Gave her a buzz. Brilliant.

Thank you, that guy that clapped down there.

The answer is "bought her a cake".

The lady in question tweeted a picture of the cake,

"Sorry I tased you".

And finally...

The've have had plastic surgery to resemble the motorway.

The answer is, "they penned an ode to the road".

And that's what happens when you move from grass to skunk.

Why did you take your glasses are so coolly, there?

"That's what happens when you move from grass to skunk."

He's done that before, hasn't he?

That was well-practiced, that move.

I imagine you say that a lot!

Did you smoke skunk back in your uni days?

What...

Come on, we're bringing up Michael Gove's student days -

what about yours?

People have done worse.

Have they?

Your mate - he locked a pig.

APPLAUSE

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Roisin, four.

And Ian and Kevin, five.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Big dog and small dog...

LAUGHTER

Let me finish!

Let me finish, please!

You're on a roll - I'd leave it there!

Next...

The Empire Strikes Bake. GROANS

They're just bodyguards, don't you think?

To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.

They've got Imperial Stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.

Paul Hollywood? Little droid.

Mary...

HUMS MARCH

Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?

Yeah.

You wanted me point it out the next time it

happened - do you remember?

Thanks, thanks - sorry.

He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.

So has this been a worthwhile experience for you, do you reckon?

It hasn't quite finished yet. Oh, really?

And I leave you with news that during final practice

for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, Ed Balls decides

to end his quickstep by trying the splits.

In Syria, as Russian warplanes go on yet another illegal bombing raid,

the United States finally hit back.

And there's drama in the grounds of Balmoral as Prince Philip loses

control of the barbecue.

Goodnight!

APPLAUSE