Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week, at an England training session,

Gareth Southgate tries to win over his young squad

by showing how much he's improved his penalty technique.

At a Leave campaign reunion, David Davis hears that Michael Gove

is about to throw himself off a balcony.

And in Islington, on her first day in her new job,

a Polish cleaner is given somewhat brusque instructions.

Nice to see you here this morning. This is my house, by the way.

Goodbye.

On Ian's team tonight, a German comedian who presented

Channel 4's An Immigrant's Guide To Britain.

Good luck getting a second series.

Please welcome Henning Wehn.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party,

who's described herself as a tough old bird

and a short-haired, flat-shoed shovel-faced lesbian.

Who writes your speeches, Donald Trump?

Please welcome Ruth Davidson, MSP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Ruth, take a look at this.

The pound is falling.

-That's them falling.

-As demonstrated by the falling pound there.

Don't know who he is, but he's very happy to have...

PG Tips, PG Tips. Marmite.

PG Tips and Marmite, and this is the danger of hay

can suddenly explode at a moment's notice.

-This is just typical BBC whingeing.

-Is it?

-Yes.

I mean, the suggestion the pound has crashed.

I mean, it's gone down a lot and hit the bottom...

-But it's bounced back up.

-No, it hasn't.

-Hasn't it?

-No. Boomph!

Anyway, we're not allowed to say that,

because then we're boring old sneery, liberal re-moaners.

-No, come on, it's just a government ploy, isn't it?

-Mmm.

To make the UK as unattractive as possible for migrant workers.

What they want to do is send stuff home, yeah,

so dispose of the money, and if that only buys you a loaf of bread,

well, obviously they'll stay in Poland, then, won't they?

-Well, you're still here.

-Well, if I had any transferable skills, Ian...

I just said that in case Amber Rudd comes round with a clipboard.

My team has a foreign worker on it.

I...

Yeah, but for who knows how much longer?

-I'm considering the citizenship test.

-Can you queue?

-If I have to.

-I try to get to the front as quickly as possible.

-Er, yes...

I wasn't even booked to be on here this evening.

It's the first one to get their towel down on the chair essentially.

This is the news that the pound

-has been subject to terrible fluctuations.

-Yes.

To put the drop in the pound's value into context,

shall we play a little game called...

-Yeah.

-HENNING:

-Yeah.

-..What Can You Buy For A Pound? HENNING:

-Yes!

PARTY HORN TOOTS

You can buy ten of those graphics for a pound, for a start.

Last Friday, could you have brought this for a pound?

-Erm...no.

-Is the correct answer, yeah.

In fact, I've got them here. Look.

These are High Five puppets.

And they retail at 1.19,

and last Friday the pound was only worth 1.15.

-Donald Trump's welcoming hands, are they?

-Yes.

What about a cap that says "Bad Ass"?

-Can you buy that for a pound?

-Yes.

-No.

-No, you couldn't.

-Oh.

-That's...

-No, I tried.

-Did you?

1.22, that cap.

What about this? Could you have bought this for a pound?

-Yes.

-Well, actually, no.

It went below for a while, didn't it?

It did indeed, especially if you went to Moneycorp

at Gatwick Airport, as Martin Lewis, the money-saving man did.

Moneycorp were offering 97 cents for every pound,

and helpfully selling euros for £1.35.

What is Brexit Minister David Davis particularly cross about?

Is he cross about the fact that people are going on

about the pound as you have been doing?

It was Ed Miliband and all the other MPs on all sides

who've asked for a debate on the deal

the Government is going to negotiate with the EU,

but David Davis is refusing to allow any room for "micro-management",

as he calls the workings of the House of Parliament.

Are you a fan of David Davis?

Erm, I didn't really know him particularly well, but I'm getting

to know him now in his new role and, you know,

hopefully he can do a job for us.

We're going to need him to.

You'll go far in this politics lark.

What about the rest of the Government? Theresa May, like her?

-Absolutely.

-I'm not going to go through the entire Cabinet.

I was thinking, this is going to be a really long show

and not a terribly amusing one, I have to say.

Oh, I don't know, I think it might get...

Who's been the chief winder-upper

-of David Davis this week?

-Keir Starmer.

-Correct, yes.

He was the former Director of Public Prosecutions,

or as Iain Duncan Smith called him...

Said the third-rate politician, but, er...

Keir Starmer, as the Shadow Spokesman for Brexit, had presented

the Government with 170 questions about the plans for leaving the EU.

But I think 140 of the 170 questions from Labour

were, "Who's now in our Shadow Cabinet?"

-Who are the new big beasts in the Shadow Cabinet?

-Diane Abbott.

-Yes.

-She's a big beast.

-She's the Shadow...

She's the Shadow Foreign Secretary.

I'm not sure you're allowed to say that.

-She's the Shadow Foreign Secretary.

-I know I'm not.

Shadow Home Secretary.

Who were the other surprises in the Shadow Cabinet?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes! No. Shami Chakrabarti.

-Oh, yes.

She's been appointed Attorney General.

Now, why are these surprising choices for Jeremy Corbyn?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn said, I mean, repeatedly during his career

that you shouldn't just parachute people into the House of Lords

that you want to put into government,

and the House of Lords is a disgrace,

and then he appointed Shami Chakrabarti

to be in the House of Lords,

despite having said that,

and then immediately appointed her to the Shadow Cabinet,

which he also said was appalling when other Labour leaders did it.

I'm not suggesting he's inconsistent or hypocritical,

I'm just laying out the facts.

How did Shami Chakrabarti respond when asked about justifying

sending her kids to an £18,000-per-year private school?

This is when she said

-that she lives in a nice house so it's OK.

-Yes, she said...

It's disgraceful, isn't it?

Like seeing how something as basic as public infrastructure

that's education, how can that be...?

How can it be privately run?

Surely it has to be run by the state?

It should be the monopoly of the state.

It's just not a level playing field

and whoever takes advantage of such an unfair system

-should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

-Oh, I don't know.

APPLAUSE

Don't applaud, don't applaud. I'm an absolute hypocrite

because, given half a chance, I always use the M6 Toll!

At the poor man's turn-off, "Bye-bye!

"I worked hard for the right to drive straight. Brr-rr-rr-rr!"

There is even a service station on the M6 Toll.

Always go in there. It's just...

a completely different class of people.

Well, this is the news that, following the Brexit vote,

the pound is now worth roughly the same as a euro.

Just as we leave the single market,

we join the single currency. Great(!)

As a result of the pound's collapse,

Wednesday saw certain brands running low at Tesco's, including...

..which really put the romantic dinner I'd planned for Mrs Mangan

up the spout.

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

-Yeah, there he is.

-That's Boris.

Putin, checking on the end of the world.

-Yeah. Hippies.

-Stop the War, I think.

-Yeah.

And Jeremy having a good old time.

Has he joined a band?

HENNING LAUGHS

-This is the war in Syria.

-Yes.

Boris's first intervention as Foreign Secretary.

He has had one idea, which is a no-fly zone.

There should be nobody flying over Aleppo or over Syria.

But the only people flying there at the moment are the Russians.

-So we need to shoot them down.

-Yes.

Which, again, could trigger a world war.

Which will make Brexit look quite amusing.

Boris is a bit like the political equivalent

to death by misadventure, isn't he?

He's just saying something.

"Oh, let's see what happens when I say this.

"Oh, bloody hell! World War Three!"

Yes, this is the news that Boris Johnson has made

his front-bench debut as Foreign Secretary.

Boris made another controversial suggestion during a speech...

How did the Russian embassy respond?

It was furious.

They did what any self-respecting diplomatic mission should do -

they got very sassy on Twitter.

Within minutes of Boris's comments,

Russian envoys in London tweeted the Ministry of Defence, saying...

Hmm.

Oo-ooh!

But in terms of Stop the War,

it does appear to be that it has stopped some wars,

just not any wars that involve Russia.

Russia walks into the Crimea, absolutely fantastic,

so let's be on the side of the Russians.

The Russians are bombing Syria,

let's not raise our voice about that.

Seumas Milne in Pravda today backing it up is just...

It really is Stop the West,

and I think they are a bunch of shameless hypocrites

-and they should be called out for it.

-The problem is that

if you have a statement from Stop the War, who are against wars...

-Just some wars.

-..and saying it's very important for us

to unite against the West,

you think, "Have you been watching this at all?"

It isn't the '70s.

I wish it was the '70s.

-The Cold War was a lot easier to get your head round, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

There was the Russians and there was everyone else.

Exactly.

That's how I liked it.

Ruth, what do you think of Boris?

I think that he's got a tough job

and he's giving it his best.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Fantastic endorsement.

-Cos you're friends again now.

You did accuse him of peddling lies during the whole Europe thing?

There was a very big debate

and we've yet to see whether the £350 million a week

-is going to go to the NHS.

-Oh, I think we know.

-Yeah.

Do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

I...um...

Do you have confidence in the role of Foreign Secretary?

Cos you seemed quite equivocal in a recent interview.

How about saying, "I have confidence in Boris Johnson"?

I've always had confidence in the role of the Foreign Secretary.

That's what I said!

That's not the same as saying my sentence.

I suggested you say, "I have confidence in Boris Johnson."

We know you love the post of Foreign Secretary.

I sat down with Boris, we had a very good meeting.

-He's taking the role incredibly seriously.

-Why won't you say it?

I have more confidence in Boris Johnson now I've sat down with him

than I had before. There you go!

So, Ruth, do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

My confidence in Boris Johnson increases every day.

From a very low base.

Is this like the pound increasing in value?

One man who could save us from all this global turmoil

is the newly appointed UN Secretary-General,

Antonio Guterres.

-Yes!

-Although that does mean a sad goodbye

to the wonderful Ban Ki-moon.

# I'm making a list Checking it twice

# Going to find out who's...

# Going to find out who's naughty or nice

# Ban Ki-moon is coming to town. #

It sounds like a kind of Wild West term, doesn't it?

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"He won't come out in the desert tonight. It's a Ban Ki-moon."

This is Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson taking on Russia

over the bombing of Syria. A Russian firm has just launched

a child bed in the shape of a missile-launcher.

You just put it up in your child's bedroom

and before you know it, he's annexed the bathroom.

A Russian lawmaker and key ally of Vladimir Putin has told Americans...

..which has left many Americans asking,

just how bad can nuclear war be?

And so to round two. It's the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes, Paul?

-It's obviously Donald Trump.

You can't help but feel that his opponents have been keeping

these leaked recorded messages back until they make maximum impact.

There was another one just today about him making a remark

about a ten-year-old girl on an escalator.

"I'll be dating her in ten years' time," sort of thing.

His attitude towards women is very much

his attitude to the rest of humanity, really, I suppose.

He's a dickhead.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Does that answer the question?

-Fair enough, yep.

His basic problem is he's confusing the role of

President of America with

1970s light entertainment comedian at the BBC.

The fact that everyone's tolerated him up this moment,

suddenly they've said,

"Well, look, Donald Trump, he's awful, how could we have told?"

LAUGHTER

"He's been campaigning for months and months

"and we've never had any indication...

"that he might be thoroughly ghastly in any number of ways.

"I mean, how were we to know? This is unfair."

At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter

of The Apprentice in America could become the commander-in-chief?

It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News For You

could become...Foreign Secreta...

Anyway, erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm sure that loyalty will be rewarded.

Yes, Donald Trump has had a difficult week,

he's finally said something even HE thinks he has to apologise for.

Publication of a video showing him discussing preying upon

married women and kissing and groping women without their consent.

Is it fair to judge someone on comments they made ten years ago?

I mean, this is surely just youthful hijinks from when he was...59.

But he was even condemned by his wife, wasn't he?

Which is sort of pushing it, when the future First Lady says,

"No, he's appalling!"

To be fair, though,

that was Michelle Obama's speech she just stole.

APPLAUSE

His supporters leapt to his defence.

What sort of thing did they come up with?

"We're too thick to know any different."

Trump-loving radio host Bill Mitchell reassuringly tweeted...

LAUGHTER

Ian and Paul, you both know a lot about trains.

How long does it take to change the tyres?

Now, we mustn't forget about Hillary.

What's the latest accusation that's been levelled at her?

She's not Donald Trump.

No, that's her campaign.

-She's quite unpopular, isn't she?

-She's incredibly lucky,

there were some more e-mails this week released about Hillary,

in which she'd gone to a private bankers' do and says,

"Don't worry what I say in public, I think you guys are great

"and the only people who know about banking is you."

That's quite damning for a politician, but she's very lucky.

This week, Donald has literally trumped it...

-by being the worst candidate ever recorded in electoral history.

-Yes.

In any country, at any time...

-ever.

-In any contest.

And I'm including Vlad the Impaler's run.

Well, it's not quite a two-horse race,

because there is a third option.

-Gary Johnson is the Libertarian candidate.

-He's great.

-Fingers crossed that he's the sensible choice.

-Yes.

-Let's have a look at him in action.

-He's great.

What would you do, if you were elected, about Aleppo?

-About...?

-Aleppo.

-And what is Aleppo?

LAUGHTER

-You're kidding?

-No.

Aleppo is in Syria. It's the epicentre of the refugee crisis.

OK, got it, got it.

Why is he wearing an earpiece?

Cos obviously it's not connected to anything,

-cos otherwise somebody would have told him.

-Mmm.

That's not an earpiece, it's keeping his brain in.

This is the news that Donald Trump has had another difficult week.

There is one Briton who likes Donald Trump -

Nigel Farage compared him to...

Where's a trigger-happy zookeeper when you need one?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

This is crazy, freaky clowns that are going around terrorising people.

-Yup.

-But they've been coming a cropper because some people

are fighting back, and now a man dressed as Batman is now

being a vigilante, beating up people dressing up as clowns.

Yes, that's correct.

Let's look at the Daily Star's soothing map of where

incidents have taken place so far.

-HENNING:

-OK, most of that up north.

Where they've got bugger all else to do.

Can I become Foreign Secretary?

So, from the clowns' point of view, what are the dangers of this craze?

Well, people stop finding them funny.

Yes, true, but it could be more physically dangerous than that.

-One clown was left with a bloodied nose...

-A red nose?

Yes. LAUGHTER

An actual red nose,

after one of his victims head-butted him in revenge, saying...

You've got a tattoo that says that, haven't you, Ian?

Yes, but to be fair, it is on his butler.

It's on the butler, isn't it?

It's a dangerous pursuit, scaring people, as we seen...

Of course it is!

..in this classic clip.

-Are you going trick-or-treating?

-No, probably...

Argh!

LAUGHTER

This is the news that people around the UK are dressing up

as clowns to scare people.

According to the Daily Star...

He said he was from the Home Office Immigration Department.

There were a spate of sightings in Manchester,

one of a clown with a chainsaw, whose grotesque features

were terrifying passers-by,

but it just turned out to be Mick Hucknall trimming his hedge.

Mick Hucknall?! Topical news quiz(!)

Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Ed Balls...

Andy Murray...

Mrs Troffea from 16th-century Strasbourg...

and Black Lace singer Dene Michael.

-It's got to be dancing.

-Yes.

-Ed Balls is still on Strictly Come Dancing...

-Still in there.

..unless this is a repeat, in which case, he won.

-The man from Black Lace...

-Did they not invent the conga?

They didn't invent the conga, surely the conga had been going...

right back.

When did you start doing the conga, Ian?

I think Ian has home movie footage of Lloyd George doing it.

-In 1921.

-HENNING:

-The painting has never danced.

Was she put to death for dancing?

Which one is the odd one out?

Oh, yeah, we still haven't got that one solved.

Andy Murray is the odd one out,

cos all the others have got involved in dancing and he hasn't.

Is the correct answer.

They have all led a dance, apart from Andy Murray,

who broke with years of tradition by refusing to dance

with Serena Williams at the Wimbledon Champions' Ball.

What accident befell Murray as he made his escape

from the dance floor?

Did his phone catch fire?

-Did he trip and fall over?

-Is the right answer. He said...

Ed Balls has made it through to the third round of Strictly Come Dancing

after winning the nation over with his samba.

Balls told the Mail On Sunday:

Which was all going fine until he tripped over some miserable

old bloke sitting on the floor, moaning about the lack of seats.

You wonder why politicians

see the need to be on any light entertainment formats.

What is the appeal?

If there only was someone here that could enlighten us.

You should ask the Foreign Secretary that question.

Do you have confidence in Boris Johnson?

I think he'd be excellent on Strictly Come Dancing, yes.

Not the question I asked, but moving along.

Frau Troffea of Strasbourg was the first victim

of the 1518 Dancing Plague.

She began dancing in the street. According to parish records,

within four days she'd been joined by 33 others. And...

Do you know what caused this mania?

-Poison mushrooms.

-Well, almost, yeah.

The latest theory points to a poisonous ergot fungus.

It's only when I come on this programme I realise I know stuff.

-It's like an organic version of LSD.

-Lovely.

According to Wikipedia,

the plague began in 1518 when Mrs Troffea began...

Egged on by a young Mick Jagger.

Black Lace singer Dene Michael Betteridge

revealed that during his time in prison he led a 60-man conga line

-around the prison yard.

-I know their records were pretty bad

but I didn't know he'd been sent to prison.

Doing the conga in prison, it's less a dance, more a trust exercise.

I'd like to be the one right at the back, to be honest.

Black Lace's albums include:

And after the court case - Guilty Party.

Time now for the Missing Words Round

which this week features as its guest publication, FishPal.

-FishPal!

-We start with...

-HENNING:

-White heterosexual men.

Salmon. Fish. Haddock. Bream.

Brown trout!

This is an article from FishPal about the brown trout winning a vote

to become Britain's favourite fish. Next:

-HENNING:

-Casually.

No, the answer is:

Oh, yes.

According to reports, the German set off from the French coast,

trying to get across the Channel to Britain.

You didn't manage it in 1941, Fritz, you're not doing it now.

Boring!

Next:

HENNING LAUGHS

Britain and the European Union.

-No.

-Steve Watson and cod.

Getting closer.

John Watson and cod.

That's so good I've got to give it to you.

Next:

Man's intimidating trousers

cause consternation in local village.

-That was pretty much it, yeah.

-Oh, no, it can't be!

This is a county council meeting where one councillor's trousers

were called intimidating. Here he is.

Mr Dowson says he owns 41 pairs of camouflage trousers.

He needs that many because they're very difficult to find.

Next:

When he wrote Halibut Prince Of Denmark.

Er...Pilchard III.

-Midsummer Night's Bream.

-Oh!

The answer is:

-This is Shakespeare the rod company.

-Ah.

As featured in FishPal magazine.

-Shakespeare and fishing have got quite a lot in common.

-Here we go.

You sit around for hours getting bored and then everyone dies.

And finally:

There's no word missing.

No, the answer is:

Here is the cheeky mutt.

The incident happened at the Vatican as the Pope met with members

of the Dog Agility Group.

The Pope blessed the dogs by making the sign of the Cross,

and after one of them defecated on his shoes

he made the sign of the very cross.

So, the final scores are - Ian and Henning have 5

but Paul and Ruth are this week's winners with 9.

Well done.

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

And I leave you with the news that senior figures in the Labour Party

hierarchy deny that MPs disloyal to the leader are being abused.

In Cornwall, one pensioner struggles to understand why he's not

getting any reception on his phone.

And as more revelations about BHS emerge, Philip Green poses

for a photoshoot in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.

Good night.